Happiful Issue 83 by Happiful

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Bold, fresh beautiful

The transformative power of designing our lives around nature

Hidden emotions It's time to talk about postpartum rage

ISSUE 83 £5.99

DISCOVER

100 WAYS TO RELAX

(There’s something for everyone)

GAME ON Level up gaming habits in your relationship

LOUD and clear The introvert’s guide to public speaking

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. MAE WEST

Photograph | Vincenzo Giove

Wild, whimsical, and well I spend most of the year looking forward to March. It’s the start of the growing season, and with that comes the promise of hours upon hours of simple pleasures. Hands-on activities like gardening are cornerstones of my wellbeing. Throughout the winter months, I make mental notes of all the jobs I have planned for when this season begins again: ‘Rein back rambling shrubs, move out tender plants, plot the summer beds…’ When you take it into your own hands, gardening is as much about what you can see, touch, taste, and smell as it is about what it makes you feel. On windowsills, balconies, patios, gardens, and shared allotments, growing and nurturing plants teaches us about patience and care. It reminds us of the ancient connection that each of us has to the natural world, and our ability to make choices that positively affect our health – and the health of our planet. When you’re sinking your fingers into the soil, or even just taking a stroll through a forest, the noise and the pressures of modern life quieten for just a moment. So, imagine a world where humans and nature live side by side. Not just in occasional crossovers for the lucky few, but in every home and every workplace, in hospitals, care homes, retail and recreational spaces. Visualise wildflower patches on each street corner; climbing living walls on high-rise buildings; gentle, natural materials; public parks and community gardens.

It sounds like a futuristic utopia, or a whimsical, optimistic dream of what could be, someday. But it might not be so far out of reach. On p20 we’re exploring what the trend of ‘biophilic design’ in architecture and city planning promises for our wellbeing in the future. Back in the present, we’re confronting less talked about topics like postpartum rage (p37) and the hair-pulling disorder trichotillomania (p53). We also find out more about prolonged grief disorder (p26) – a newly registered condition that recognises the experience of grief that doesn’t follow a regular timeline. Plus, we’ve packed this issue with 100 suggestions for ways to relax – with the Happiful team chipping in to share what works for us – to give you ample inspiration for ways to rest. So, this month, look towards the future, and plan a route for how to make it a better place. All the while, keep an eye on the present. Prioritise rest and savour moments of peace. You deserve it.

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

W | happiful.com F | happifulhq T | @happifulhq

KATHRYN WHEELER | GUEST EDITOR

I | @happiful_magazine

An open mind 12 Do you fear being ‘normal’? We’re breaking down ‘koinophobia’

20 A harmonious life Exploring the impact of designing our homes and public spaces around nature

37 Motherhood’s hidden emotion We need to talk about postnatal rage

43 What’s the point of sewing? From moments of peace to protest, what does this powerful craft offer us today?

53 Talking trichotillomania Why we need to speak about the hair pulling disorder

69 Weigh down by worry? Try these techniques to smooth things over

Relationships 15 The lives of strangers How micro-interactions can fuel our sense of connection

32 The rumour mill Michelle Elman on dealing with gossip

56 Am I enough? Our expert explores imposter syndrome in relationships

Food & health 40 Vaping: Is it time to quit? And could hypnotherapy help?

66 Socialising on shifts How to deal with FOMO as a shift worker

76 The game’s on Tips for balancing gaming hobbies in relationships

46 Levelled up lunch Create a perfectly-balanced midday meal

61 Eating for fertility How men can feed their fertility

34 Wellbeing

26 Prolonged grief disorder

7 Good news

We find out more about this newly recognised condition

11 The wellbeing wrap

30 Spotting good advice

49 You should read these

Our expert highlights signs you can trust what someone is saying

58 Broaden your horizons

50 The anxiety cycle

Culture

Do you get anxiety over anxiety?

64 Sending you write to sleep Try this exercise before bed

Try this at home 25 100 ways to relax Start here, and find bucketloads of inspiration throughout the issue

79 Set your mind on this puzzle 83 It’s your turn Reflect on what you’ve achieved with our print exclusive journalling pages

Positive pointers 18 Bookclubs for good How bookclubs are standing up to eco-anxiety

29 Five garden jobs... That come with life lessons

34 A multi-sensory life How to live it, and why you should

* Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. Not getting enough sleep can have a significant detrimental impact on our wellbeing. Often, the barrier to sleep is created from within, due to the mind being actively focused on something, and this can lead to a lack of sleep. It’s key to allow ourselves time and an opportunity to connect with the ‘something’ before we sleep, so that it’s acknowledged and addressed (as best as can be). Check out p64 for some great tips on how to get better rest. By doing so, you will feel a benefit to your sleep – ultimately having a positive impact on your wellbeing. RAV SEKHON

74 The café changing lives 80 Finding your voice Public speaking tips for introverts

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team EDITORIAL Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

TINA CHUMMUN

ELIZABETH DUNNE

MSc UKCP

MA DSFH

Tina is a psychotherapist and trauma specialist working with abuse and PTSD.

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing

DAN PERRIN

JO KELLY

Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead

BSc (Hons) SPTI MBACP

BSC (HONS) DIP ION MBANT CNHC

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

Dan is a humanistic integrative psychotherapist and counsellor working with grief.

Jo is a registered nutritional therapist and wellness coach who works with busy people.

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS

HANNAH BECKETT-PRATT

ISOBEL BAILLIE HAMILTON

FdA BSc (Hons) PGCert MBACP UKCP

BA (Hons) DipCNM mBANT mANP

Hannah is a transactional analysis and trainee psychodynamic psychotherapist.

Isobel is a clinical gut health nutritional therapist working with functional medicine.

DEVON MCDONALD

ABIGAIL HOLMAN

BA (Hons) Dip.Couns, MBACP Accred

Dip.Couns MBACP

Devon is a counsellor who uses a integrative approach.

Abigail is a counsellor, coach, and trainer.

Victoria Stokes, Caroline Butterwick, Flora Medford, Katie Scott, Hannah Beckett-Pratt, Laura Cooke, Jo Kelly, Sian Meades-Williams, Becky Dickinson, Jenna Farmer, Caroline Butterwick, Leah Collins, Ellen Manning, Emma Flint, Kate Orson, Lesley Ford

SPECIAL THANKS Tina Chummun, Dan Perrin, Isobel Baillie Hamilton, Devon McDonald, Abigail Holman

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

LESLEY FORD Dip.Hyp ISCH GHR GQHP NLP CBT

Lesley is a hypnotherapist specialising in smoking and vaping cessation, and PTSD.

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY

Join the Happiful Expert Panel

Helping you find the help you need. Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com CBP006075

The Uplift TECH

Photography | Beam

New app supports people facing homelessness Research from the charity Shelter has found that at least 271,000 people are recorded as homeless in England, with that figure including 123,000 children. When facing such devastating numbers, many of us will feel compelled to take action – but where should we turn? Writing to your local MP and getting involved in community action is a fantastic step. And, now, a new platform has launched to help companies directly support homeless people across the country. Built by social impact startup Beam, this platform allows companies to set up subscriptions to fund homeless people. A £50 donation goes to each person, and companies are able to scale up their financial backing as they wish, while the app ensures donations are equitably distributed among those using Beam. Each month, employees are notified about the people their company has backed, and are

able to send messages, via a Beam caseworker, to the beneficiaries. One such company that has been making use of the platform is the Permira Foundation, which sponsored Lucian – allowing him to train as a construction site supervisor after he lost his job in the industry following a serious back injury. Creating a long-lasting, effective social impact is something that

a lot more people are looking for in the companies that they work for, and schemes such as these are servicing that desire to make a difference while also providing real, tangible change in the lives of those who are most disadvantaged in our society. Want to get involved? Visit beam.org/companies Writing | Kathryn Wheeler happiful.com | Issue 83 | 7

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PETS

The extraordinary dogs raising the ‘woof’ on canine intelligence Our canine companions have long been recognised for their intelligence, but a new study is shining a light on just how smart they really are, by revealing the characteristics shared among a group of uniquely gifted dogs – and how one particular breed seems to take the biscuit. The term ‘gifted word learner’ (GWL) refers to a rare number of dogs who have a special ability to quickly learn the names of various objects or dog toys. Though studies have been done in this area before, very little is known about it, and prior studies featured small sample sizes of dogs. Fascinated by this, researchers behind a new study published in the journal Scientific Reports delved deeper. As part of their research, they launched a social media campaign to find dogs with this unique characteristic. Owners who reached out to them were asked to selftest their dogs, which was followed by a meeting to test the dog’s vocabulary. If the dogs showed that they knew the names of their toys, owners had to complete a questionnaire to build a wider picture of the dog’s experience and training. Astonishingly, they found 41 dogs from nine different countries (the US, the UK, Brazil, Canada, Norway, Netherlands, Spain, Portugal, and Hungary) which were classified as GWLs – and more than 56% of these dog breeds were Border Collies. It’s clear that our furry friends are capable of remarkable things. If you think your pooch has what it takes to qualify as a gifted word learner, head over to geniusdogchallenge.com Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 83 | 9

HAPPINESS

Researchers say ‘micro-acts’ are key to long-term joy When it comes to finding longterm happiness, we probably all have our own theories on how best to cultivate it. And, now, analysis from scientists behind a research project called the BIG JOY Project offers a new theory. What they discovered was that people who commit daily ‘micro-acts’ of joy, experienced approximately a 25% increase in emotional wellbeing over the course of a week. ‘Micro-acts’ refer to small things linked to emotional wellbeing. Examples include: making a gratitude list; journaling;

engaging in acts of kindness; celebrating another person’s joy; meditation; and positive reframing. But why might these small actions be having such a big impact? Well, one theory is that it has to do with having a sense of agency. When we intentionally plan to perform a daily ‘microact’, it can help us to feel like we have a bit more control over our emotions, and how we might feel that day. What’s more, seeing happiness as something that can be worked on, little by little, each day rather than overturning

our lives, is an achievable and sustainable model for wellbeing. Interested in getting involved? The data for the BIG JOY Project was sourced using citizen science, via an online survey that is still open to anyone who would like to participate. To do so, head to ggia.berkeley.edu/bigjoy Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

COMMUNITY

Saving goals and shaping lives: the football programme giving second chances There’s a reason football is one of the nation’s most loved sports, and it doesn’t just come down to watching your favourite team win. It has a way of transforming lives and aiding mental health. And, as a new social enterprise shows, it provides second chances to those on probation. Award-winning social enterprise The Growth Company has introduced a course called ‘Kick the Stigma’, designed to empower those on probation to develop their life skills and physical activity, all while engaging in 10 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

football training. Each course is co-delivered by local football clubs and their community programmes, and is run over eight weeks, including drop-in sessions for previous and new participants. The beloved game has a surprising way of encouraging open conversations, providing a great therapeutic alternative for those who find it uncomfortable to open up in usual therapy settings. In a survey of those who had taken the course, 83% made progress with their mental health, 77% saw improvements

in their self-esteem, and more than 70% saw improvements in their relationships with the wider community. Talking about his experience, Brendan Slepcik said: “Physical and mental health are two sides of the same issue, and it was good to be able to have conversations with other people during the course. I’ve been able to take a lot of the lessons into my life and relationships.” Find out more by visiting gcemployment.uk Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

The

wellbeing wrap

DIAMOND DOGS

‘Rizz’ (based on charisma) was named ‘word of the year’ for 2023 by the Oxford English Dictionary

More than just a cuddly companion, new research from the Tokyo Metropolitan Institute of Gerontology, in Japan, has revealed that dogs can actually reduce the risk of people over 65 developing dementia by more than 40%! Scientists believe this is due to the additional physical activity, along with the need to get out of the house and interact with others, when caring for the pooch.

I’ll have what she’s having... Do you always Google the menu before dining out? Perhaps it’s excitement about an evening out, or comfort about having a choice made without any pressure, but it seems that ‘menu anxiety’ itself is extremely real, and increasing, particularly for younger generations. According to a survey by Prezzo, 86% of Gen Z have felt menu anxiety, and a third of ask them others to order for them as a result. Additionally, 38% Gen Z and millennials wouldn’t even go somewhere that they hadn’t already checked the menu.

The corporate ladder

The world’s oldest land animal, Jonathan the tortoise, recently celebrated his 191st birthday

Research led by the University of Bath suggests there are four key stages of career progression – so where do you fit? 1. ‘Wearing rose-coloured glasses’: you’re full of excitement at the possibilities. 2. ‘Being on tenterhooks’: you take a more negative outlook, feeling fear and anxiety. 3. ‘Winning the glittering prize’: pride and joy at gaining a promotion or recognition. 4. ‘Everything stays the same’: disillusionment and disappointment after reaching a goal or ‘the top’, and not feeling fulfilled. Recognising where you are on this scale might help you address emotional concerns and workplace needs, particularly if you’re feeling stuck on a step.

Streets ahead

Road safety seems to be turning a corner, with the World Health Organization’s 2023 report revealing that road traffic deaths have fallen 5% since 2010 – equivalent to 16% when accounting for the rise in global population. In fact, 10 countries even reduced road traffic deaths by 50%, including Denmark, Japan, and Venezuela.

EWE LOVE TO SEE IT NHS England pledged to end cervical cancer by 2040, believing improved screening and vaccinations will support this goal

Rare ‘rainbow clouds’ (AKA nacreous clouds), which appear to be iridescent, were spotted over Scotland and Northern England

An exciting discovery offers Time spent alone, by choice, can the potential for Croatia actually be good for us, offering to produce endless clean respite from the busy modern energy! A lake of 140°C world. Research published in water has been found deep Scientific Reports suggests underground by energy solitude (again, when we choose company Bukotermal, it) can actually reduce stress. Game of Thrones actress Emilia which can be utilised as a Clarke and her mum Jenny natural geothermal resource were awarded MBEs in the to generate sustainable IT’S A NEW DAWN King’s New Year’s Honours list, electricity, without carbon Did you know that for their charitable work raising emissions. The way it works whether you’re a morning awareness of brain injuries. is by creating steam from person or a night owl could be Emilia experienced two brain the hot water, in order influenced by your ancestors? A 2023 haemorrhages herself in her early to move turbines to study in Genome Biology and Evolution 20s, while Jenny had surgery to generate electricity revealed that Neanderthals passed remove an aneurysm, and so the – and as the steam on genes related to our circadian mother-daughter duo teamed condenses it returns rhythm, meaning that those with up to create SameYou, a charity to the lake, and a predisposition to wake early funding projects and offering can be used again may just be able to find the support to those with brain indefinitely! reason why in their injuries.

Fiona, the ‘world’s loneliest sheep’, has been rescued by a group of volunteers, after being stranded for two years at the foot of cliffs in Scotland. Baa-rilliant news!

DNA.

What is

koinophobia? Why are we so afraid of being ‘ordinary’, and how do we overcome it? Writing | Victoria Stokes

ave you ever worried that your life is a little… mediocre? To combat it, perhaps you’ve shunned somewhat conventional ways of living, all in the name of being ‘extraordinary’. Maybe you’ve pursued professional accomplishments with an insatiable hunger, dreamed of becoming a successful influencer with brand collaborations to boot, or travelled all over the world in the name of creating unforgettable experiences. You can’t stand the thought of being average but, somehow, no matter how much you experience and accomplish, it never seems like enough. If this sounds familiar, you may have a touch of ‘koinophobia’: the fear of being ordinary. This phobia has its plus points. It can motivate you to achieve incredible things, but left unchecked it can wreak havoc on your mental health. So, where does this fear come from and,

12 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

when it threatens to disrupt your peace, how can you get it under control?

Saying no to normal “The fear of being ordinary is often rooted in the belief that we need to be ‘extraordinary’ to be loved and accepted by others,” says psychotherapist Rachel Vora. “Low self-esteem and beliefs about ‘not being good enough’ can often be at the root of fearing an ‘ordinary’ life, as people often feel they need to prove themselves by achieving the ‘extraordinary’,” she says. Social media has undeniably exacerbated the problem. These days we can check in with anyone, from our favourite influencer to our high school friends, to see how they’re doing in life – and with high-flying careers and picture-perfect holidays constantly presented as the norm, we can put pressure on ourselves to achieve more of the same.

“Social media can often make an ordinary life seem dull and boring, but can equally glamourise entrepreneurship and experiences to create the sense that our lives are not good enough as they are,” Rachel points out. “The constant barrage of images showing people living and experiencing extraordinary things suggests that we need these experiences to achieve happiness.” And so we fall into the koinophobia trap: constantly racing towards the next big thing, believing that we must do extraordinary things to have a life well-lived. But koinophobia might prompt you to book that plane ticket or go after your dreams. So, what’s the harm? Well, one of the big problems with koinophobia is that it can prevent you from doing things that could actually make you happy. Stuff you might actually want, for example, settling down in your home town or switching >>>

THE FEAR OF BEING ORDINARY IS OFTEN ROOTED IN THE BELIEF THAT WE NEED TO BE ‘EXTRAORDINARY’ TO BE LOVED

your high-octane career for a run-of-the-mill job that comfortably pays the bills. It also creates a whole lot of stress and pressure that can be a detriment to your mental health. Look at burnout for example. According to a Gallup Poll, around 67% of us have experienced burnout – and the pressure placed on us to excel in all areas has certainly contributed to that. But koinophobia doesn’t only compound stress and instil unrealistic expectations. It challenges our self-worth. “The fear of being ordinary can often encourage feelings of low self-worth as we believe we are not fulfilling our potential by living an ‘ordinary life’,” says Rachel. “What’s more, placing high expectations on ourselves to achieve the extraordinary leaves us with no room to make mistakes, and we are less likely to be self-compassionate when we experience hardships in life.”

It’s OK to be average So, if the fear of being ordinary has infringed on your mental health, how can you live a more joyful, meaningful, and peaceful 14 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

life – and learn to embrace the average and the mundane? Rachel believes it starts with internal validation. So often, we act to impress others, but when you remove external validation from the equation, you can decide what it is you really want from life. “When we place more value on the internal, we are less likely to attach our self-worth to external achievements,” Rachel points out. Focusing on internal validation means appreciating your innate value, and recognising how you make the world a better place, simply by being you. It’s at this point that getting to know yourself and understanding what you actually want from life is key. “Being an entrepreneur or travelling the world would not make everyone happy,” Rachel notes. “So it’s important to separate expectations on social media from your sense of self, and know what would truly make you happy.” Ultimately, Rachel says, it’s important to remember that being extraordinary will not increase your feelings of selfworth. You might assume that once you’ve reached a certain

level of success you’ll finally feel like you have value. But that’s not the case and, Rachel says, once we truly accept this, we are more likely to look for the value in an ordinary life. If you’re having a hard time feeling worthy, embracing imperfection can do the trick. It would be easy to assume that living this new lifestyle means having no goals or aspirations at all. Psychologist Jason O’Callaghan says that simply isn’t the case. He reckons it’s important to have something to aim for, or look forward to. It gives you a purpose. Maybe it’s completing your local parkrun every Saturday, or planning a trip with friends. Perhaps it’s being more present in the moment, and remembering to enjoy the little things, whether it’s a cup of coffee in the morning or reading an engrossing novel before bed. While seeking out the extraordinary, we can forget the value of the mundane. But remember this: on a clear, cloudless night, you don’t have to climb the highest peak to be able to see the stars.

relationships

The joy of consequential strangers How fleeting moments of connection could have a long-lasting effect Writing | Caroline Butterwick

smile as soon as I reach the counter and am greeted by the barista who knows my name and order. We ask each other how we’re doing, and as I head to a table, latte in hand, I feel a lightness in my step. Chances are, there are people you come into contact with in your day-to-day life where you have this same feeling. You may not know much about them, but the interactions you have put a smile on your face.

People like this are sometimes called ‘consequential strangers’ or ‘weak ties’. They could be the neighbour you chat to as you do the gardening; the person you regularly make small talk with at the gym; or even co-workers in a different team who you look forward to seeing each morning in the elevator but don’t know well. The term ‘consequential stranger’ was coined by psychologist Karen L Fingerman, and can cover a range of relationships. A consequential

stranger goes beyond someone, say, you notice at the bus stop every so often but never speak to. They are people we interact with. There is a spectrum, and this can include people who you may call ‘acquaintances’: those who you feel you know to some extent, but aren’t close enough to call friends. Typically, our lives feature many consequential strangers. We may only know some of them for a short time, whereas others may become longstanding parts of our day-to-day lives. >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 15

Consequential strangers can give us a space to talk about things that we don’t with others

relationships

Why connections like these matter

Like me, counsellor Tina Chummun has found that the barista she sees regularly is an important consequential stranger to her. “Sometimes I will receive feedback from the barista which will resonate so much with me, and I trust it because the barista has a completely different and subjective perspective of me,” she explains. “It’s like the context of our meeting is what gives me more value with the words I receive back.” Consequential strangers can give us a space to talk about things that perhaps we don’t with other people in our lives, and to hear different perspectives. “What’s also great about these moments is that it can be good for someone’s wellbeing,” adds Tina. “People are free from having any responsibility to a stranger, other than to connect with them at that moment, while having a good space to think about themselves.” I find that the consequential strangers in my life help me feel a stronger sense of belonging to my community. These connections can also help with loneliness, as well as potentially being people we can turn to for support.

Developing relationships

If you’d like to have more consequential strangers in your life but are unsure or nervous

about this, Tina explains that doing what we can to build our confidence can help. She recommends starting by writing a list of the things you are happy about with yourself, and a list of everything you have achieved in your life, big and small, and all the things you like to do. This not only boosts self-worth, but can help spark ideas for conversation and identify the interests we have that we could use to reach out to people. When you feel ready, try making conversation. “There are many ways that you can approach strangers and start conversations, and it’s all dependent on the context of the situation you are in,” says Tina. “If you’re at a train station waiting for a train and it’s been delayed, you can strike up a conversation about how annoying this is.” You may find that this brings you into a fuller conversation, but even if you only have a fleeting exchange with someone, this is a great way to build your confidence. “If you approach someone with a question and they do not respond, remind yourself that it is OK, and their non-engagement with you wasn’t about you, it was that they were not ready to speak to anyone,” reassures Tina. “And as hard as that may have felt for you, it’s OK to move on and try to speak to someone else who will be different with you.” And, then, what about the consequential strangers we

already have in our lives, who we may want to get to know better? Perhaps you really look forward to chatting with that colleague you see in the office kitchen most days, and wish your conversations lasted longer than it takes for the kettle to boil. Tina recommends taking a chance and being honest about wanting to spend more time with them. This doesn’t have to be big – it’s about identifying what a natural next step could be. Could you ask that colleague if they want to grab lunch with you? If there’s a person you always stay behind talking with at yoga each week, how about saying you’re about to go get a coffee and asking whether they would like to come along? Of course, not every consequential stranger is going to become a good friend – and that’s OK. They are still a valuable part of your life, able to make you smile and feel a sense of connection. And that in itself is well worth celebrating.

Tina Chummun is a psychotherapist and trauma specialist. Head to the Counselling Directory for more insight. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 17

The book clubs combatting eco-anxiety

That satisfying feeling after finishing a good book, when an issue has been resolved within its pages, can leave us feeling motivated and at peace. Sharing this with like-minded people can be inspiring, empowering, and validating – so it’s no wonder people are using book clubs to address their eco concerns Writing | Flora Medford

oo often we feel helpless when confronted with the state our planet is in. From a warming climate to depleting wildlife, the problems are piling up and most of us are lost for solutions. Our collective imaginations are being clouded by the myriad of negative reporting on the environment, making it almost impossible to imagine a world free of these issues. This sense of fear about the future of our planet can have a negative impact on our

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mental health, evoking feelings of grief, helplessness, and stress – otherwise known as eco-anxiety.

The power of book clubs

Anyone who’s ever been to a book club, or just had a great conversation about a book, will understand the powerful sense of belonging and shared purpose this type of community can bring. Equally, you can feel challenged or confronted with different opinions, making you question your own standpoint. It’s all of

these aspects of book clubs that make them the perfect platform to explore the climate crisis and, more importantly, what we’re going to do about it. While book clubs have existed for centuries, growing awareness of our impact on the environment has meant that climate book clubs are gaining popularity. From virtual clubs like Blue Planet Bookshelf to in-person groups like This is Why We Read, more people want to be part of the discussion about how we tackle the climate crisis.

START HERE

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Flight Behaviour by Barbara Kingsolver Faber & Faber RRP £9.99 Dealing with overlapping issues such as poverty and climate denial, this book follows a protagonist who is new to the world of environmentalism, and is a brilliant introduction to climate fiction.

From What is to What If by Rob Hopkins Chelsea Green Publishing RRP £11.99 This nonfiction book, written by the founder of the International Transition Towns movement, helps us to imagine the world we want to create, along with how we’re going to get there.

Uncanny and Improbable Events by Amitav Ghosh Penguin Books RRP £4.99 A selection of short stories by India’s 2018 Jnanpith awardwinning author. Through varying narratives, Ghosh explores how we fail to grasp the scale of environmental destruction.

“It made me feel less isolated and alone,” says Kat, a member of Bristol-based book club This is Why We Read. But the benefits of discussing climate fiction don’t stop there, as the ability to share ideas with like-minded individuals can empower us. Similarly, sharing our grief or sadness can make us feel supported and heard.

Reading fiction helps facilitate more personal conversations about the climate. For example, discussing Dry by Jarrod and Neal Shusterman helped readers see themselves in the characters, and their responses to the drought around them. This made readers think more practically about how they could conserve water, using tools like a water butt for the garden. Other members of the book club felt empowered to radically reduce their meat consumption. Nonfiction is a great way to explore solutions to the environmental problems we’re facing. Instead of focusing on the emotions and experiences of a character or imagined world, you’re forced to look at the cold hard facts of reality. This can be more challenging, but certainly has benefits. It’s an excellent tool to play out conversations with climate deniers by equipping

yourself with coherent facts. How to Talk to a Science Denier by Lee McIntyre is an obvious choice if your book club members are struggling to convey their concerns to people around them. Sarah hopes that, whether discussing fiction or nonfiction, climate book clubs will make the crisis an “everyday part of our discussions, rather than something that sits on the margins and becomes more terrifying because we’re not talking about it”.

Fiction or nonfiction?

Sarah Robertson, Associate Professor at UWE, launched This Is Why We Read’s book club after the success of a trial with students studying Environmental Management. “These students already had a lot of knowledge on the environment,” she says. “But literature opened up a different way of thinking for them.” Hearing facts and statistics in the news can be overwhelming and difficult to comprehend. Working through a storyline offers a different way of grappling with these issues.

How can I get involved?

If you’re already a member of a book club, why not take part in the This is Why We Read climate book challenge? Book clubs across the country are including at least one climate-related book in their reading list each year. From fantasy to realism, post-colonial or books in translation, the selection of climate books is vast and ever-growing. So, where will you begin? happiful.com | Issue 83 | 19

At home with nature

Why the art of consciously bringing the outside world into our homes is so good for our souls Writing | Katie Scott

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

e yearn for a connection with nature. It’s hard-wired into us and even has a name: biophilia. Meaning a love of life or living things, the term was coined by social psychologist Erich Fromm in 1964, before becoming popularised by E. O. Wilson, a biologist and Professor Emeritus at Harvard. However, designers and architects have taken this concept and, from it, a movement – biophilic design – has evolved. The calming impact of the natural world is well documented. A study, published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, exposed 120 subjects to a stressful film. Some were

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then shown a video of an urban setting, and some footage of the natural world. Physiological measurements were taken including heart period, muscle tension, skin conductance, and pulse transit time – which correlates with systolic blood pressure. The scientists found that stress recovery was quicker in the people who were exposed to the natural footage. Biophilic design takes this and brings the impact (and benefits) of the natural world inside our homes. A Harvard study from 2018 tested the impact of a biophilic space on 28 participants, and found there was a decrease in blood pressure, along with shortterm memory improvement,

and an increase in positive emotions. The scientists even declared: “Our findings indicate that participants experiencing biophilic environment virtually had similar physiological and cognitive responses as when experiencing the actual environment.” This, they argued, could be a tool for reducing stress in people when access to either a biophilic setting or natural environment is not possible. It is also an astounding testament to the impact of natural elements in design. Our predecessors knew this. There are centuries of examples of how nature was made integral to the built >>>

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BIOPHILIC DESIGN TIPS FOR YOUR HOME • When redesigning your space, look at introducing natural materials, hues, textures, and patinas to add layers of interest. Keep in mind all of your senses when you do this. • Try to bring in as much natural light as possible. The room in your home that has the most daylight is probably the one you spend the most time in. • If you have space outside, plant trees but think about the ecology of your area when choosing species. • Create shady spaces to sit in your garden, or make use of any outside space to make a spot to sit. • Buy air-purifying plants and place them where they will break up harsh lines.

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environment. The Romans built homes with outdoor spaces, and created frescoes of flowers and trees on internal walls – and there are, of course, the legendary Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Oliver Heath is a Sussex-based designer who has built his practice around biophilic design. His work brings together those decades of research into the physiological and psychological impact it has on us, and melds this with an environmental consciousness and a simple quest for beauty. He is, he argues, mending a disconnection from nature, which is a result of industrialisation, urbanisation, and even a religious aversion to the wilder side of nature. “Since the Industrial Revolution, we’ve relatively turned our backs on rural dwelling and moved into city centres,” Oliver explains. “We found that we can live in ever tighter, geometric urban spaces. We can function in these ever

smaller, overcrowded spaces – but we don’t necessarily function at our best.” At some point in this process, we decided that cities are made of bricks and mortar, and the natural world was something dangerous that needed to be kept out of our homes – or controlled behind fences. Now, however, there is a growing awareness not only of the benefits that nature offers us, but how we are part of the natural world – and therefore should incorporate it into our lives, and our homes. It feels particularly pertinent when considering our holiday locations, where millions leave urban homes for beaches, mountains, lakes, and forests. These places help us to remember that there doesn’t need to be a hard, clean, defined line between the human world and the natural world – that we can blur the boundaries. In our homes, this means an awareness of the healing power

of natural light: large windows looking on to greenery, whether a window box of blooms or a garden that comes right up to your door. Water plays a key role – just think of those iconic Japanese gardens in which light plays on cool waters, and koi carp shimmer in the sun. Clean, fresh air is so important too, so remember that some plants are air purifiers, and that trees are our planet’s lungs. Biophilic design also emphasises weaving natural textures and materials into our environment. These calm our senses, but also pique them as they aren’t uniform, rather full of interest for the eye (and sometimes nose). Bringing natural objects into our homes nods to the outside when inside, but, with design, we can actually encourage more physical flow between these spaces. Oliver suggests creating shady havens within gardens, which we can move to easily, and gathering spaces to entertain surrounded by greenery. Even

by adding a few elements of biophilic design, we create spaces that are recuperative. In his work on corporate spaces, Oliver says the impact is tangible. The mental and physical wellbeing of staff increases, but so does their readiness to interact. The office becomes a space they are happy to be in as it echoes positive experiences of the natural world, whether the colour of a plant, a gentle scent reminding them of petrichor (the earthy smell of rain on a sun-drenched field) in a sundrenched field, or even the feel of a knotted piece of wood under their fingertips. As Oliver says: “Instead of design which is focused upon what an office says about a brand, these are spaces that reflect an ethos of: ‘We believe in looking after people, and we believe in looking after the planet.’” Oliver argues too that welcoming nature into our own sanctuary can often lead

to an awareness of our wider environment. He explains: “Biophilic design makes us recognise that, as human beings, we are part of nature, and we’re utterly reliant on it. It then leads us to see that our health and wellbeing are intrinsically connected to the health and wellbeing of the nature immediately all around us, in our homes, in our gardens, in our parks, cities, and our global environment.” There is empirical data to support the statement that reconnecting with nature is good for us. To achieve this connection in our homes turns them into sanctuaries from the hard lines of modern life. But, in striving for this, we might also improve the biodiversity and ecology in our little patch, and change buying habits towards natural and sustainable materials. When that happens, the impact goes far beyond our own wellbeing. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 23

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. CARL JUNG

Photograph | Rafael Barros

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try this at home

100 ways to relax

It should be the easiest thing in the world, but the reality is that switching off isn’t always straightforward. From the micro to the macro, throughout this issue, we’ve sprinkled 100 suggestions for ways to find moments of relaxation each and every day. Start here… Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

1. Sign up for a library card and check out some books.

8. Wander around a free museum.

2. Listen to a song that makes you think of summer.

9. Complete a jigsaw puzzle.

10. Take a luxurious shower. 3. Plant some seasonal bulbs in the ground or containers. 11. Try a dance workout.

15. Re-read a book from your childhood.

4. Go forest bathing. 12. Write a poem about the view out of your window.

16. Visit a local historical site.

13. SEARCH FOR TREASURES IN A CHARITY SHOP.

17. Experience the power of your senses with aromatherapy.

14. Try a new kind of tea and savour the flavor.

FOR YOUR NEXT LOT OF INSPIRATION, HEAD TO P42

5. Pull on some wellies and go for a muddy walk.

6. Try a 10-minute yoga routine.

7. Listen to an audiobook.

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What is prolonged grief disorder? The condition peaked in lockdown, but what is it, who does it tend to affect, and what does the pathway forward look like? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

here are few human experiences that can truly claim to be universal, but grief tops the list. No matter who we are, what our background is, where we come from, what we do, or how we live our lives, grief will touch us at some point. It’s a completely natural experience and reaction that many of us learn to navigate in our own ways with time. But, sometimes, that experience can be a bit more complicated than usual, to the point where it can become debilitating. In March 2022, prolonged grief disorder (PGD) was the latest disorder to be added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, following studies over decades that found that many people were experiencing persistent difficulties with grieving, which exceeded social, cultural, or religious expectations. While grief is a natural response to bereavement, usually, the symptoms do ease

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over time. But when it comes to prolonged grief disorder, the persistent grief affects everyday functioning, and does not ease the way that typical grief does. According to the American Psychiatric Association, symptoms of prolonged grief disorder may include: • Identity disruption (such as feeling as though part of oneself has died). • A marked sense of disbelief about the death. • Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead. • Intense emotional pain (such as anger, bitterness, and sorrow) related to the death. • Difficulty with reintegration (such as problems engaging with friends, pursuing interests, and planning for the future). • Emotional numbness (absence or marked reduction of emotional experience). • Feeling that life is meaningless. • Intense loneliness (feeling alone or detached from others).

But what causes PGD to begin with? Someone who knows a lot about it is psychotherapist and counsellor Dan Perrin, who focused on the role of the therapist in supporting clients experiencing PGD for his dissertation work at the Sherwood Psychotherapy Institute, and continues to work with those experiencing loss. “During my work at the Laura Centre in Leicester, working with individuals suffering from child or sibling loss, I have encountered prolonged grief disorder, also known as ‘complex grief’, on many occasions,” Dan reflects. “This has presented in clients from diverse cultural backgrounds and in a variety of age groups – and has commonly occurred in losses involving traumatic or violent events. “It can be profound and debilitating, as sufferers continue to feel the intensity of their loss well beyond what would be deemed as a normal grieving period. It often occurs in bereavement involving

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unnatural death, as the person struggles to make sense of what has happened, becoming ‘stuck’ in the grief process. This can lead to feelings of overwhelm or being ‘trapped’ in their grieving, leading to an inability to move on with their lives.” According to 2021 research in American Psychiatric Publishing,

it’s estimated that 7–10% of bereaved adults will experience symptoms of PGD. The research also highlights risk factors for developing PGD, which include a history of depression and bipolar disorder. Caregivers – particularly if they were a partner caring for the loved one they lost – are also at greater risk. Additionally, PDG

can occur alongside other mental disorders such as PTSD, anxiety, and depression. And it’s estimated that 80% of people with PGD experience long-term poor sleep. While discussion around PGD is fairly recent, it is, unfortunately, timely. Following the Covid-19 pandemic, researchers from Cardiff University’s Marie Curie >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 27

It can be profound and debilitating, as sufferers continue to feel the intensity of their loss Palliative Care Research Centre and the University of Bristol found that there was a significant increase in the number of people experiencing PGD. Before the pandemic, in the UK it was estimated that 10% of bereaved people experienced prolonged grief disorder. But, during the pandemic, the study found that this rose to more than 35% when the researchers followed up with study participants 13 months after their bereavement, and 29% 25 months after the bereavement. When considering why this might have happened, the researchers pointed to a number of factors, including unexpected deaths, social isolation and loneliness in early bereavement, and a lack of social support during this time. It’s hoped that the research will aid in the understanding of mass bereavement events, and what this then means for bereavement policy, provision, and practice in future. For now, though, support is available for those who need it. “PGD sufferers may hold on to intense anger, sorrow, or 28 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

guilt connected to their loss. Intrusive thoughts may arise, leaving the person feeling isolated, anxious, or suicidal,” Dan explains, when considering the signs that someone should seek support. “This often affects eating, sleeping patterns, and general wellbeing, and can lead to an inherent sense of being consumed by their loss. These signs may occur many years after a bereavement occurred, and can be indicators that professional help is needed.” He points to recognised organisations such as CRUSE, which provides education and support on its site and through one-to-one counselling sessions. “Therapy offers a confidential, safe space to process their loss, and promote healthy routines and coping strategies valuing the uniqueness of the individual’s grieving process,” says Dan. “Embracing the spirit of the deceased in therapeutic work can also help to develop ‘continuing bonds’, and allow ongoing connections with loved ones to be integrated into our lives.

“Group work following a loss can provide a shared experience with others suffering similarly. This work can also challenge the sense of loneliness often associated with PGD, and offer long-term peer support networks.” It’s important not to pathologise all grief. There is, after all, nothing wrong with going through this natural human experience. But, when the balance is tipped, and the impact of loss is having a long-term impact that creates obstacles to everyday life, it’s a sign support is needed. And as discussion around PGD grows, if it’s all sounding familiar, then one thing’s for sure: you’re not alone.

Dan Perrin is a humanistic integrative psychotherapist and counsellor. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

5 spring garden jobs that also boost your wellbeing

Busy yourself with garden jobs that have the added bonus of benefiting your health Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

here’s enough to keep even the most casual gardener busy in spring, but have you ever considered how you can use these chores to boost your wellbeing? Here, we’re sharing some ideas for how to transform standard spring gardening jobs into mindful moments that could support your mind and mood.

Take care of nesting birds

Springtime is nesting time for many species, and all that hard work can really take it out of them. You can easily pick up some bird seed with your food shop, with many inexpensive varieties on offer. Position your bird feed in a quiet area of your garden, ideally out in the open so the birds have a good view of what’s around them so they can remain safe from predators. Then, sit back, relax, and enjoy the mindful hobby of birdwatching.

Pruning and deadheading

Now’s the time to get those secateurs out to start pruning back certain shrubs and climbers, as well as deadheading bulbs. A vital part of any kind of garden maintenance, pruning and deadheading can still sometimes

feel like taking a step backwards – though, of course, it’s actually the exact opposite. When you’re going through this job, take some time to consider areas in your life that you could cut back on in order to thrive in the future. That could be letting go of self-limiting beliefs, an unhappy relationship, bad habits, or anything else that feels like it’s weighing you down.

be as small as a bucket, or any other watertight container you have going spare. Simply add a layer of pebbles, fill it with water, add pond plants, and wait for the wildlife to turn up. Use this activity as a reminder of the impact of your actions, no matter how small.

Get planting

Don’t tidy up too much

No matter what kind of gardener you are – whether you plant out beautiful border flowers, carefully guide climbing shrubs, grow your own fruit and veg, or concentrate on creating a biodiverse space – now is growing season, and it’s time to get planting. You’ll probably already know where we’re going with this metaphor, it’s quite a pervasive one, but it’s always worth a reminder of the way that the things we plant now will come back to us in the future.

Install a micro-pond

Early spring is the perfect time to install a pond. Don’t be put off by the idea of a pond being a grand thing; micro-ponds can

There are 20 million gardens in the UK, making them a huge contributor to green spaces in the country, and so letting them breathe a bit makes a huge difference in the long-run. Pollinators and insects benefit hugely from dead plants left in the garden, as does the soil. So resist the temptation to tidy too much – stick to hard surfaces, like pathways, and let borders and grassy areas do their thing. Beyond the satisfaction of knowing that you’re making a difference ecologically speaking, there’s a lesson here about letting go of control, ignoring the pull to consistently achieve high standards, and allowing the world to move around us. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 29

5 ways to spot good wellbeing advice Stay safe, and learn how to tell when advice is worth following, with these tips Writing | Hannah Beckett-Pratt

ith psychological wellbeing more widely recognised in the public sphere than ever before, there is a lot to celebrate – including more varied therapies and practitioners, plus better access to them. However, this can also make it tricky to know who to trust when it comes to taking advice about your wellbeing. Here are a few strategies that can help you find the right support.

Examine the source

Social media gives everyone a platform to share information, which can be beneficial in normalising issues with wellbeing and mental health, as well as minimising loneliness. However, just because someone has their own experience of something you’re struggling with, does not mean they are experienced in working with this in others. It can be difficult to remember this online, where many people present themselves as experts. Researching what actually qualifies someone to give advice is essential before taking it. 30 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

Analyse qualifications

It’s both a blessing and a curse that there are so many different ways to enter a career in the helping professions. While online courses and qualifications enable greater access to wellness industry training, some of these options are incomparable to more traditional training routes, and yet this is not necessarily obvious in the letters after a practitioner’s name. Psychological therapies, in particular, require training over several years to allow for trainees to build many hours of clinical and personal therapy. Yet, the industry remains legally unregulated, making it difficult to know if, and how well, a counsellor or psychotherapist is qualified. When approaching someone advertising their professional support, seek easily available evidence of recognisable qualifications that they are happy to explain to you. Registration or accreditation with a recognised ethical body is important, as this is who you can register a complaint

with, if necessary. If there is no overarching body you can consult should something go wrong in your treatment, you could be left in a vulnerable situation without emotional or financial support, and no consequences to the practitioner.

Don’t trust quick fixes

In today’s quick-fix culture, we often expect issues to be remedied with immediate effect, but when it comes to wellbeing, we should be wary of anything promising a speedy solution, or that sounds too good to be true. Human psychology is highly complex, and the patterns that tie each of us up in emotional knots are as invisible to us as water to a fish. It takes time to understand and change these, and this process is more comparable to learning a new language than simply implementing a different tool. Any advice suggesting that issues can be resolved within a suspiciously short time frame should serve as a cautionary tale.

Hannah Beckett-Pratt is a transactional analysis and trainee psychodynamic psychotherapist. Find out more on the Counselling Directory.

There is no silver bullet

Sound advice acknowledges that genuine wellbeing runs deep. There is no single remedy that can solve all of our problems, and those who claim that there is might be ignoring the complexity involved in being human. Of course, marketing campaigns will continue singing the praises of their products and services, but beware of the narrative of one solution-fits-all, human beings are far more nuanced than that. Plus, if it were true, we would all know about it and be doing it already.

Beware of power-plays

There is usually an uneven power dynamic in helping relationships;

one person, feeling vulnerable and seeking help, goes to another person who is in a position to offer that help. However, this power dynamic should be carefully held and worked with so that the person seeking help is not deliberately or accidentally exploited or manipulated. Someone revelling in their power as an ‘expert’ who believes they have the power to heal others single-handedly, is likely to do more harm than good. Overall, the old trope that if something seems too good to be true it probably is, rings true here. Our issues with psychological and emotional wellbeing do not arise overnight, they are complex knots

that we have tied ourselves into over time – and they take similar time, sensitivity, and careful attention to unravel. We all know how tempting it can be to believe that someone or something holds the key to relieving us of our stress in a moment, it is a product of the society we live in. We all know the dangers of botched surgery from someone with substandard qualifications, promising the world for very little personal investment. It may be less visible when it comes to our mental health and wellbeing, but our minds and hearts deserve the same respect and care when it comes to trusting who we approach for help. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 31

Dealing with gossip How to handle gossip-mongers and avoid the rumour mill Writing | Michelle Elman

hether it feels like a funny anecdote or more salacious stories, gossip is something we can all be privy to, yet has become associated particularly with women. So why is it that women get this reputation, while men don’t? Society has trained women to be indirect communicators, because when they are direct, they are labelled ‘harsh’, ‘mean’, ‘aggressive’, ‘bossy’, or ‘difficult’. They are seen as difficult to have a relationship with, difficult to work with, and difficult to be friends with. Men, however, do not seem to face the same stigma. When men are direct, they are often viewed as good leaders, competent, articulate, and determined. So, when we punish women for being direct, we teach them to communicate indirectly. This includes gossiping, and talking behind someone’s back, but also includes sarcasm, passive

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aggression, and jabs disguised as jokes – but it’s important to recognise that anyone can use these communication tactics. What we have to understand about gossip is that regardless of why it’s used, it deteriorates a relationship, because you are sharing information that is not yours, to a third party. If someone has chosen to confide in you, it is not your right to pass that information on to someone else without their consent. For example, if your best friend tells you private information, that is not a free pass to tell your partner. Having bad boundaries is unfortunately the norm and, therefore, if you are on the receiving end of gossip, it’s important to let the person know that this is a behaviour that bothers you. People often share things unconsciously without thinking about what information belongs to them and what doesn’t, so even if it

wasn’t malicious, it’s important to highlight this to make sure your boundaries aren’t crossed again. If gossip includes someone talking about you behind your back, it can be really hurtful, and this also will affect your trust, because you will be unable to know whether the person is just saying what you want to hear, and saying something different in front of different audiences, or telling you the truth. Falling into a habit of gossiping can occur for a few reasons, including when feelings are hurt, rather than confronting the offender, a person turns to a mutual friend to vent or for support. The problem with this is it creates triangulation, drawing in people who were not originally involved with the issue. This can lead to people taking sides, often making the problem worse. We may do this to seek validation, because we worry we have overreacted, or want others to confirm that we have a right

@MICHELLELELMAN

Photography | Luke Nugent

Ultimately, you can only solve a problem with the person you have an issue with

to feel the way we do. Instead, we need to start validating ourselves, and understand that if something bothered us, it doesn’t matter if someone else wouldn’t be bothered by it, we are – and that’s enough of a reason to bring it up. Ultimately, you can only solve a problem with the person you have an issue with. If you find out someone has gossiped about you, the best thing you can do is confront it. You can use sentences like: “I was upset to find out that you’d be talking about me, and I would appreciate having a conversation about it.” If someone has shared information that you wanted to be kept private, reinstate your boundaries and set a

consequence: “The other day I told you something confidential, and I’ve found out that you have shared it with others. Next time, I really need you to keep the information I tell you between us, otherwise I will be more cautious of sharing with you in the future.” Research, such as a study by Jonathan R. Weaver and Jennifer K. Bosson published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, has shown that when we have a mutual dislike of someone, it is easier to form a bond. What we have to remember, though, is even if you form a bond faster or stronger, it will not be a high quality friendship if it relies on

gossip to exist. When someone is a frequent gossiper, shares information, and talks behind other people’s backs, no one is immune from that behaviour, so it’s likely you’ll fall victim, too. If you hate gossip, the way you change the dynamic in your relationships is by becoming more direct yourself. When you are more direct, you give others the permission to be as well, and when you vocalise what has upset you, your confidence grows because you are standing up for your feelings. We set the standard for how we deserve to be treated, how much information someone gets access to, and who is trusted with what information.

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 83 | 33

HOW TO LIVE A MULTI-SENSORY LIFE

(AND WHY YOU SHOULD TRY IT) Synaesthesia – experiencing one sense through another, like ‘seeing’ smells – is a rare condition, but we could all enjoy the benefits of heightened awareness Writing | Katie Scott

Artwork | Charlotte Noel

t was as she went through menopause that Paula Sandham Burns experienced a sensory explosion. She suddenly noticed a heightened sense of smell, or hyperosmia. “For most people, this is just unpleasant, but for me, it was the opposite,” she says. “It immersed me in a world of wonderful 3D shapes, colours, movement, personality, and profound emotion.” Paula started seeing smells as shapes in the air. She explains: “I knew they were the smells. I knew in my mind that was what they looked like, although I hadn’t seen them physically around me like that before.” She then spent years researching what was happening in her mind, and why. She discovered she is among the estimated 4.4% of the world population with synaesthesia. This rare, inherited condition causes a merging of the senses. The Synesthesia Tree website, which Paula runs, lists more than 300 types of synaesthesia, but

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most common are experiencing days and months in colour, or ‘seeing’ or having a feeling of a colour for letters and numbers. Synaesthetes might also experience tastes as colourful moving shapes in their line of vision, feel colours as sensations against the skin, or perceive sounds as odours or flavours, according to the Multisense team at the University of Sussex. This group is studying the condition and, using psychology and cognitive neuroscience, has been documenting experiences. Professors Julia Simner and Jamie Ward have written about people in whom spoken words produce taste, and people who experience touch just by looking at someone else being touched. Dr Simner, who is co-editor of The Oxford Handbook of Synaesthesia, describes it as “a more extreme manifestation of what all of us experience”. For Paula, there was a huge sense of relief when she finally unravelled and linked her

experiences. “Everything finally clicked. I gradually realised all the other types [of synaesthesia] that I had, and in a period of about two weeks the floodgates just opened.” What followed was a fortnight in which Paula embraced her multi-sensory experiences, and began to live in “an altered state”. She explains: “I’ve adjusted my reality to it since then, and I feel much happier, more complete. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” Paula argues that everyone could learn little ways to enjoy their senses more, and perhaps even discover capabilities that they didn’t realise they had. Being a synaesthete has had a profound impact on her abilities to retain and recall memories, for example, because her multisensory experiences have a bigger emotional impact on her. She says: “I might remember the shapes, movement and emotions a new food gave me when I tried it, plus all the background

information - like where exactly I was sitting and who I was with.” Multi-sensory experiences have depth and power. This has been the experience of former teacher Nicole Bateman, and occupational therapist Kate Smith. Together they run the Super Sensory Squad, an organisation, which helps young people understand their sense systems. They argue that being aware of all of our eight senses – sight, taste, touch, hearing, smell, balance, movement, and interoceptive (internal) – has a huge impact in their field, changing how teachers teach. Nicole says: “To take one example, now that I understand more about the importance of proprioception [muscle feedback] for regulation for some individuals, if I observed some rough play or someone squeezing their friend too tightly, I would be asking in my head, ‘Are they seeking that proprioceptive input, and how can I give them that input in a productive way in the classroom?’ This might be a weighted lap pad or exercise bands on their chair legs, to allow them to ‘feel’ while they are watching and listening.” >>>

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TIPS TO FINE-TUNE YOUR SENSES FROM THE SUPER SENSORY SQUAD: ACKNOWLEDGE AND RESPECT HOW YOUR BODY FEELS Growing up, we may have heard phrases at school like ‘That doesn’t hurt’ when, actually, it did. This impacts our awareness of how our body feels, and brings feelings of embarrassment and shame. No matter how your body feels, acknowledge and respect it, to then follow on with actions to make it feel better. We all have different inner experiences, and it is important we acknowledge that we experience the world uniquely. COMMIT TO TRYING A VARIETY OF ACTIVITIES, AND TRY SOMETHING NEW REGULARLY We need a range of ‘feel good’ activities we can draw on to help self-regulation. Try different activities, with different sensory inputs, to find what makes you feel the best. Pilates and mindfulness are great for developing an awareness of, and listening to, your body. Integrate these into a sensory lifestyle to promote your regulation and mental health. RECOGNISE WHICH BODY SIGNALS ARE LINKED TO WHICH EMOTIONS Our sensory needs can change depending on many factors, including our levels of anxiety, mood, having to face a traumatic history, or behavioural challenges. It’s important to recognise what signs of sensory dysregulation you have, e.g. clenching your jaw, moving around more, being more sensitive to smells etc. This will help you recognise an emotional change within you, that you need to address.

A SONG YOU HAVE LISTENED TO THOUSANDS OF TIMES MIGHT SUDDENLY LIGHT UP IN YOUR MIND AS FLASHES OF COLOUR, OR EVEN AN EXPLOSION OF TASTE Nicole explains that this changes students’ levels of concentration. She says: “Building our awareness of our senses – and how they all interact with each other – improves emotional regulation, which enables us to access high cognitive functions, such as memory and language processing.” The team at Sussex University is investigating how the human brain comes to develop this complex condition. There have been nods to the possibility that we are all born as synaesthetes, but the majority of us lose these “cross modal associations” before we are able to vocalise the experience. This remains debated. However, we can all work to hone our awareness of our senses, not least because it could be fun, argues Paula. She says: “I can put on my headphones and ‘watch’ music when I want, as if every song had

its own abstract video in virtual reality. As I have auditory-tactile synaesthesia too, I can feel the music through my hands or feet, or each instrument somewhere different on my face or body, at the same time.” She encourages everyone to try: “We can all do exercises like listening to music with good headphones in the dark, and concentrating on how we perceive it with all our senses. Thinking about what the direction, movement, shape, colour, smell, or taste of the music might be is always a great idea, as it opens up our mind to the structure of the music.” A song you have listened to thousands of times might suddenly light up in your mind as flashes of colour, or even an explosion of taste. As Paula says simply: “It’s like having a B-side to your universe, where things are even more beautiful.”

an open mind

Postnatal rage: Motherhood’s hidden emotion It’s time we talk about this less-acknowledged, but highly prevalent, postnatal experience Writing | Laura Cooke

he world of advertising and social media would have us believe that the postpartum phase is a period of cosy contentment, packed full of mum-and-baby snuggles. But that was not what Dr Ivana Poku experienced when she gave birth to twins in 2016. Unbeknown to Ivana, she was suffering from postpartum rage, a mood disruption causing intense anger, aggression, and agitation in the weeks and months after giving birth. New mothers find themselves acting out of character, perhaps struggling to control their temper, screaming or swearing, experiencing violent thoughts or urges, and maybe even expressing their anger physically, by punching or throwing things. After these flashpoints, it’s common for women with postpartum rage to feel a flood of unhelpful emotions. “It was like a vicious circle. Something made

me angry, then I was angry with myself for being angry,” Ivana explains. “I felt angry that they were born in the first place, as my life changed,” she recalls. “And then I was angry with myself for feeling that way because I felt I should be happy and enjoy it. But I didn’t. I even regretted the decision to have them at one point in the early days, because I saw them as aliens that ruined our lives.” Although most people have at least heard of postpartum depression, postnatal rage is not often talked about, although evidence suggests it is just as prevalent. Dr Caroline Boyd, clinical psychologist and author of Mindful New Mum: A Mind-Body Approach to the Highs and Lows of Motherhood, says: “Anger is a normal, human emotion – we all feel it. Anger is neither good nor bad – it’s an emotion alerting us to harm, insult, violation and

injustice. The ‘fight’ part of fight, flight, or freeze is triggered, flooding our body with stress hormones, and priming us for action. “Anger builds on anger, so we flip our lid after a series of provocations – where the ninth or 10th irritation becomes the last straw and we erupt. For mums, the trigger can be as simple as losing your keys when trying to leave the house with a new baby, or a cumulative response to overwhelm amid the endless demands of motherhood. In a study published in the journal Qualitative Health Research, it was found that as many as one in three women feel intense anger in the first year of having a baby – making anger even more prevalent than postnatal depression. “Of the one in three Canadabased women who reported experiencing intense anger, half felt depressed, whereas the other >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 37

As many as one in three women feel intense anger in the first year of having a baby 50% did not,” Dr Boyd explains. “This means depression does not always occur alongside anger. However, we know that if a woman is both angry and depressed, her low mood can be experienced as more intense and last longer.” Ivana recalls: “I was just listening to screaming twins, and seeing that suddenly all I do is 38 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

feed and change nappies. Other people without children had their life, and I was fuming that I didn’t have that any more. “I felt like I should put a happy face on, but inside I was boiling. It didn’t help having to pretend I was OK when I wasn’t.” In a desperate bid to control her emotions, Ivana, who was also experiencing postnatal

depression, started to selfmedicate with antidepressants she had at home, left over from a previous prescription. “I had got to the point where I felt like everyone would have been better off without me. I knew they would help me to function so I just started taking them again,” Ivana says. “Then I reached rock bottom, and my

an open mind

ly Ivana and her fami

friend found me crying, so I couldn’t hide anymore. Speaking to her was the first step, and gave me the courage to speak to more people. It was so freeing, letting it all out.” It was then that Ivana discovered she was not alone. “Other mums around me admitted they felt the same – we had spent this year together, and

had no idea that we all struggled in silence, together.” According to Dr Boyd, this is not uncommon. “What I notice in my work supporting parents is that while there’s more awareness around maternal anger, it remains the hidden emotion in motherhood – women are still being socialised to squash it,” she says. “According to the myth of ‘supermum’, which has us believe we must be calm, coping and in control at all times, ‘negative’ emotions such as anger are simply forbidden. So when we feel angry, we often try to suppress it – this keeps it simmering under the surface. Then, when our child tests us, it all comes spilling out in a whitehot rage. “We know excessive anger has significant costs, negatively impacting our mental health as well as our physical health, as well as our relationships with others.” Ivana began to turn a corner after a year, when she finally managed to get professional help, although she still experienced episodes of rage for some time afterwards, including a terrifying incident when the two-year-old twins unbuckled themselves and climbed into the car boot while Ivana was driving on the motorway. “I was scared we could crash. I was screaming,” she recalls. “I

called my husband, he calmed me down and told me to go back home and wait. When I got back, he was already there. I just went to our bedroom and closed the door.” Ivana’s third child was born in 2021 and, although she felt familiar feelings bubbling up, this time she was able to share these openly, and they quickly subsided. With her experience in mind, she swapped careers to help new mums with their postnatal mental health via her website mumsjourney.com and book, Motherhood: The Unspoken. “I found my purpose in life again,” Ivana says. “Looking back, I’m glad I went through it because it showed me how much support mums need, and how little support they get. I’m on a mission to show the world what it really feels like to be a new mum. It’s portrayed on social media as an amazing time in a woman’s life, but that is not the case. Feeling low is a natural thing, so I’m trying to normalise this, and make people understand it’s not all a bed of roses.” All this is to say that, if you or a loved one experiences feelings like those described here, you’re not alone. By bringing it into the spotlight, and with the right support, action can be taken to address this commonly hidden, but perfectly normal emotion. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 39

Ask the experts

Can hypnotherapy help me stop vaping? Clinical hypnotherapist Lesley Ford answers your questions on hypnotherapy for vaping cessation Read more about Lesley on the Hpynotherapy Directory.

Q How does hypnotherapy for stopping vaping work?

Hypnotherapy for stopping vaping involves tapping into the power of the subconscious mind to break the habit at its root. Through a relaxed state of focused attention, usually

sitting comfortably in a chair, individuals are guided to explore their motivations for vaping and address the underlying triggers. Hypnotherapy helps reshape negative thought patterns, and instil positive suggestions. This includes delving into the root causes, such as stress or social pressures, and suggesting new

thought patterns and coping mechanisms. Additionally, hypnotherapy can create aversions to vaping by associating it with negative feelings at a subconscious level. The process aims to reframe thought patterns, break the habit-forming cycle, and instil a deep belief in your ability to quit.

state – similar to daydreaming, where the subconscious mind becomes more receptive – the hypnotherapist, and you, will explore the subconscious mind, identifying your vaping triggers and addressing the root causes of the vaping addiction.

The session aims to rewire behaviours, enhance willpower, and empower individuals to overcome challenges associated with vaping. Sessions are tailored to your specific needs, promoting self-awareness and empowering you to overcome cravings.

Q What can I expect in a stop-vaping hypnosis session?

In a stop-vaping hypnosis session, you can expect to be guided into a relaxed and suggestible state. Once comfortable in your relaxed

Hypnotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Lesley’s top tips for people wanting to stop vaping

Q How many sessions will I need?

The number of hypnotherapy sessions needed for vaping cessation can vary between individuals. I tend to take an in-depth consultation to find out triggers and associated behaviours. Usually, no more than two sessions are required and, mostly, one main session

is all that is needed in my experience. Having said this, other therapists may do more sessions and it does depend on the addiction. Sessions are often followed by regular check-ins. I offer mine over six months, for example, so I know my clients are still vape-free.

• Mindfulness. Cultivate awareness of your vaping triggers and habits. Mindfulness helps you recognise the urge to vape, and choose healthier responses. • Set clear goals. Define specific, realistic, and time-bound goals for quitting. Having a clear road map enhances motivation and provides a sense of accomplishment. • Have a support system. Share your goal with friends, family, or a support group. Surrounding yourself with encouragement creates a positive environment for change. • Stress management. Try to develop alternative stressrelief strategies, such as deep breathing or exercise, to replace vaping as a coping mechanism. Building resilience aids in longterm success. • Behavioural replacement. Identify the specific situations or activities associated with vaping, and replace them with healthier alternatives. For example, if you used to vape during breaks, consider taking a short walk or practising a quick mindfulness exercise instead.

happiful.com | Issue 83 | 41

29. Visit a café and try something new.

30. Catch up with an old friend.

31. Try bird-watching out of your window.

32. Make a vision board of your future goals.

33. Follow a breathing exercise.

34. Go for a walk’n’talk with a friend.

100 ways to relax 18. Pick a new recipe from a cookbook and give it a go.

23. Put on a film you’ve been meaning to watch.

19. Go for a swim at your local leisure centre.

24. Experiment with making bread.

35. Rearrange a small section of your home.

36. Have a candlelit dinner.

37. Put your phone on ‘do not disturb’.

38. Create a new skincare routine. 25. TRY A GUIDED MEDITATION.

20. “I enjoy listening to a comedy podcast.” – Rebecca Thair, Editor-in-Chief

39. Write a list of the things that bring you joy. 26. Learn a new card game.

21. Write down your five-year plan.

27. Make a playlist of your personal feel-good songs.

40. “My favourite way to relax is to settle down with a knitting project.” – Kathryn Wheeler, Features Editor

22. Learn some self-massage techniques.

28. Go for a brisk walk around your local area.

FOR YOUR NEXT LOT OF INSPIRATION, HEAD TO P52

42 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

an open mind

What’s the point of sewing? Emotionally, socially, and practically, sewing is often heralded as a mindful wellbeing hack – but that’s nothing new. So, we spoke to historian and author Barbara Burman about sewings prominence in the past, and why it still matters today Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

n the middle finger on my left hand, there is a very small, red mark. About 15 years ago, I was working at a sewing machine when I lost focus and put the needle straight through that finger – the puncture never quite healed. It’s the kind of cautionary tale teachers tell rooms full of new sewists, but it also creates a metaphor for a feeling that may be familiar to the 7.7 million people the Craft & Hobby Trade Association say name sewing as a hobby: the impact of sewing lives on under our skin. It’s a theme that runs through historian Barbara Burman’s book exploring the cultural history of sewing: The Point of the Needle: Why Sewing Matters. For Barbara, her own interest in sewing is something that can be traced back through her life. “I grew up in a country vicarage, where there wasn’t very much

money, and I had two very practical parents,” she recalls. “My mother actually taught sewing, dressmaking, and soft tailoring, so I was surrounded by people making things and talking about tools. “My interest in sewing comes from an interest in the history of ordinary people, particularly women’s lives. I feel that it’s a kind of untold story. We’re so used to it that we don’t think about it. We put our clothes on, and there we are. But I wanted to look at what stitching actually means at an individual level, as well as a more global level.” We herald the invention of electricity and countless other innovations – but sewing, despite the fact that we couldn’t go about our daily lives without it, is often overlooked. When I ask Barbara why the story of sewing is largely untold, she has some insight.

“Mostly because it’s associated so thoroughly with women, and women have always been, as it were, ‘second rate’,” she explains. “We’ve also lived with this quite spurious distinction between working with our brains and working with our hands. So manual work is thought of as secondary to headwork. But, in fact, our hands, and particularly our sense of touch, give us such a huge amount of information and agency in the world.” These days, we often talk about how beneficial crafts can be for our mental health and wellbeing, with countless studies confirming this link in action. One such example is a 2022 study by Catherine Howard et al, published in the Journal of Textile Design Research and Practice. Researchers worked with pupils in year 9 of a school in Birmingham, who took part in weekly hour-long relaxed >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 43

stitching sessions across two months. The results were not only a variety of inventive and impressive sewn creations, but also an overall increase in feelings of pride, and improved self-esteem and confidence. Pupils chatted while they worked, and the study became part of a wider mental health campaign in the school – turning into a demonstration of creative approaches to wellbeing working in action. But while the terminology may be different, Barbara traces how sewing has been talked about in this manner throughout history. In her book, she points to an 1844 sewing manual that, as well as covering the practical aspects, goes on to expand on the emotional benefits of the practice. She also refers to journalist Flora Klickmann (1867–1958) who wrote about turning to needlework for solace at the end of the day, as well as several examples in literature where sewing comes with quiet contemplation and moments of bonding. That said, the benefits of sewing aren’t always quiet. In fact, often, they can be both loud and bold. As part of the project called ‘Our Sewing Stories’, more than 100 people sent their sewing autobiographies to Barbara, 44 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

Through sewing, they’re making a space for themselves in the world

Photography | Louise Jasper Photography.

*Offer exclusively redeemable on reaktionbooks.co.uk, until 31 December 2024, UK orders only.

an open mind

‘The Point of the Needle: Why Sewing Matters’, by Barbara Burman (Reaktion, £15.95).

Barbara Burman The patchwork cu shion made by Barbara’ s mother

sharing what the craft means to them. Many of the stories are dotted throughout her book, each one stirring up familiar feelings. “So many people told me about the very nurturing sense of somehow belonging through making things,” she says. “Through sewing, they’re making a space for themselves in the world. If you take gender, for example, gender is a very fluid concept now, and people may not feel completely comfortable in the clothes that the high street is offering. But if they can make things of their own that do express what they feel themselves to be, then they feel they’re much more in a positive place. “The same would be true of what you might call ‘political stitching’. If you’re making a banner for the next march you’re going to go on, making that banner can be a therapeutic thing, because you are making a statement. You’re expressing yourself in public. You’re taking

a stand. You’re communicating, and you’re part of a community.” Whether in the middle of a protest or the living room, community and sewing often go hand in hand. “I think, sometimes, that connection comes through in an unexpected way,” adds Barbara. “A lot of people have told me about their sewing machines and their love of their sewing machines, or a thimble or a sewing basket; something that they’ve inherited within their family, or been given to them by friends. That is a kind of connection. You pick up a pair of scissors that were your mother’s, for example. Or when you’re part of a group, you may not know the people, but there is a deep connection, because you share that innate knowledge about what it’s like to stitch.” With all this in mind, I ask Barbara whether she has a sewn piece that is particularly meaningful to her.

Happiful readers can get 20% off copies when ordering directly from Reaktion using code POINT24.*

“Yes,” she answers. “I’m leaning on one now! It’s a patchwork hexagonal cushion that my mother made. It’s patchwork on both sides, but the front is made up of old dress fabrics. She stuffed it with lavender that she’d grown, and it still has an aroma of lavender. The stitches are really invisible. She was such a good stitcher. My father had made her copper templates for sewing around and making the patches, so she had really good, sharp edges. Yes, that means a lot.” When we’re looking to take steps into the future, it can sometimes pay to look back at what’s behind us. In her book, Barbara’s exploration of the history of sewing is packed with reflections that will move us to consider the way sewing can support us in so many capacities. For the young or old, fresh or seasoned, for practical reasons or for our sense of wellbeing, without a doubt we can say: sewing matters. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 45

DIY nourish bowl Fuel for your body and mind Writing | Jo Kelly

hen busy at work, maintaining a well-balanced and nutritious diet can be difficult. But what we choose to consume during our working hours plays a pivotal part in not only our physical health, but also our cognitive function and overall productivity.

46 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

The food choices we make during our time working have a direct impact on our energy levels, concentration, and our ability to navigate the challenges of our environment. Making sure we eat well isn’t just about keeping hunger pangs at bay (though this is important); the right foods can help to enhance mental clarity,

sustain energy levels, and promote long-term wellbeing. So, what should we be eating at work? Here is my favourite lunch recipe to help you feel your best all afternoon. To save on time and waste, you could make multiple servings and store them in the fridge for a quick and easy, yet nourishing, lunchtime meal. Enjoy!

food & health

Make your own ‘nourish bowl’ Serves 1

Pick one item from each section.

Choose your protein: • 100g wild mackerel • 100g wild salmon or tuna (canned/fresh) • 150g chicken or turkey breast • 2 hard-boiled free-range eggs • 60g cooked puy lentils • 100g hummus • 200g chickpeas/mixed beans

Choose your leaves: A large handful of • Rocket • Watercress • Spinach • Romaine • Mixed leaves

Choose your vegetables: Add as many as you like (approx 80g each) • Onion • Spring onion • Cucumber • Tomatoes • Cooked/raw broccoli • Celery • Raw cauliflower

Choose your carbohydrate: • 75g roasted sweet potato • 75g roasted butternut squash • 75g roasted carrot/parsnip • 75g roasted beetroot • 75g cooked quinoa

Choose your fats: • 10 fresh olives • Half an avocado • 1 tbsp of sesame/sunflower/ pumpkin seeds

Choose your fermented foods: • 1 tbsp sauerkraut • 1 tbsp fermented vegetables (e.g. pickled beetroot/carrots/ purple cabbage) • 1 tbsp kimchi

Choose your dressing: Keep any remaining dressing in the fridge for up to 3 days. French dressing • Combine 1 tsp Dijon mustard with 2 tbsp white wine vinegar, 6 tsp extra virgin olive oil, and salt and pepper. Honey and mustard • Combine 2 tsp wholegrain mustard with 2 tsp honey, the juice of 1 lemon, 6 tsp extra virgin olive oil, and salt and pepper. Ginger and wasabi • Grate a thumb-sized piece of ginger. In a jar, add the ginger and 2 tsp wasabi paste, 6 tsp extra virgin olive oil, and 1 tbsp rice wine vinegar. Mix. Tahini dressing • Combine 2 tbsp tahini with the juice of 1 lemon, 6 tbsp water, salt and pepper. Balsamic dressing • Combine 2 tsp balsamic vinegar with 4 tsp extra virgin olive oil.

The healthy bit

This may seem like a lot, but I promise it’s worth it. Not only do the categories combine well in taste, but each one is designed to keep you nourished all afternoon.

Protein is an essential macronutrient; including a generous portion of lean protein in your meal not only helps to repair and build tissues, but also keeps you feeling fuller for longer – helping to combat any midafternoon cravings! No lunch is truly complete with a selection of vegetables. Packed with essential vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, vegetables contribute to our overall wellbeing and immune function, and are a great source of fibre, essential in keeping your gut microbes happy. Carbohydrates are the body’s primary source of energy, so choosing the right kind is key to maintaining vitality. Opt for complex carbohydrates to provide a steady release of energy, along with fibre. Healthy fats, such as those in nuts, avocados, and olive oil, are crucial for brain function and hormone regulation. Including these fats in your recipes is a great way to support cognitive function, helping you to stay focused during any afternoon meetings. Finally, integrating fermented foods is a proactive step in supporting gut health. The live cultures in these foods aid digestion, enhance nutrient absorption, and contribute to a well-balanced gut microbiome. A happy gut translates to improved immunity and overall vitality. Jo Kelly is a registered nutritional therapist and wellness coach, helping people with busy lives to get back to the person they deserve to be. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 47

“Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it. EPICTETUS

Photograph | Mental Health America (MHA)

48 | Issue 77 | happiful.com

Happiful reads... From a collection of inspirational quotes to a craft book with ideas for sustainable play, we share four inspirational books to add to your reading list Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

echnology has helped us to achieve wonderful things, from advancing medical treatments to helping us stay connected with loved ones, regardless of distance. However, our increasing reliance on a technology-driven world can sometimes hinder our capabilities. So, how can we utilise the

Human Being: Reclaim 12 Vital Skills We’re Losing to Technology by Graham Lee

advances in technology, without losing the valuable skills we have? In his remarkable book, digital skills educator Graham Lee guides us through reclaiming 12 vital skills that we tend to overlook due to our reliance on technology, spanning from conversation and memory to navigation and sleep. With insightful tips and guidance,

he empowers us to reskill ourselves in these areas, and helps us to recognise how truly remarkable we are as humans.

Recipes for a Better Menopause by Dr Federica Amati and Jane Baxter During the various stages of menopause, certain things can help relieve you from symptoms. Showing you how to make nutritional decisions that optimise your health, Recipes for a Better Menopause is a cookbook backed by science, and written by two authors who want to help women through this journey.

Sustainable Play by Sydney Piercey Play is an important part of a child’s development, but how can we ensure that it is not only enriching for cognition, but also mindful of our planet? Parenting blogger and motherof-four Sydney Piercey has found a way to achieve this coveted balance, and shares more than 60 of her fun ideas for sustainable play.

Must reads The School of Life: Quotes to Live By – A Collection to Revive and Inspire by The School of Life Have you ever read a quote that struck a profound chord within you? A quote that you resonated so deeply with that it touched your soul? Explore The School of Life’s enlightening collection of well-crafted words of wisdom, and get ready to be inspired.

happiful.com | Issue 83 | 49

How to manage anxiety about anxiety If the thought alone of being anxious is enough to spark a fresh wave of panic in you, follow these essential tips to manage those feelings Writing | Sian Meades-Williams

aving a panic attack can be really scary, especially if you’re not expecting it. Heart palpitations, breathlessness, hyper-awareness – it’s not unusual for sufferers to say that they feel like they’re having a heart attack. As a result, you might find yourself nervous about the possibility of another attack, and suffering from ‘anticipatory anxiety’ – anxiety about your anxiety. Here are some practical ways to manage those feelings.

UNDERSTAND YOUR ANXIETY SYMPTOMS When our brain becomes guarded against a perceived threat, it creates a physical stress response – even when it isn’t needed. 50 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

wellbeing

“When we are anxious, our physiology changes,” says therapist Devon McDonald. “We go into fight, flight, or freeze, so our breathing patterns change, our muscles can get tense, and we can feel nauseous as the blood rushes to the main muscle groups, and away from nonurgent tasks such as digestion. This can make us feel uncomfortable, and even more anxious as a result.” That physical discomfort can work to create a negative feedback loop in our minds, where we might come to fear the attack itself, rather than what might have been the cause of the attack. Understanding symptoms can be particularly useful in dealing with anticipatory anxiety, because you’re worrying about the result of anxiety, not the cause of it.

RECOGNISE INCREASES IN YOUR ANXIETY LEVELS “I tend to ask clients to measure their anxiety on a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is completely relaxed and 10 is, ‘I am going to have a panic attack,’” Devon tells me. “Being conscious of your anxiety levels can help you to understand why you may be feeling the way you do.” Keep a note of when you start to feel anxious to see if there’s a pattern. It might be crowded places or a regular work deadline. Even events you’re looking forward to – like a friend’s party or a weekly brunch meeting – can become a struggle. You might only feel a little nervous to begin with, but then get more anxious because of your nerves, so it builds. Understanding what triggers you will help you address certain situations, rather than avoiding them.

TELL SOMEONE THAT YOU ARE FEELING ANXIOUS If you find yourself wanting to avoid a situation, share your anxiety with someone you trust, where possible. There’s no need to make a big announcement, simply whispering to a friend or a trusted colleague that your anxiety feels overwhelming can stop your mind from racing. It won’t always feel comfortable to share in person, but try to message someone if you have to, or take some time out to call someone. Give your feelings validation, instead of trying to force them away.

USE BREATHING TECHNIQUES Breathing really can help when you feel overwhelmed by anxiety. Devon suggests the following technique: “Take a deep breath in and really open up the chest to fill up your lungs as much as possible. Hold at the top for the count of two, then breathe out very slowly with the aim of doubling the amount of time it took to breathe out as it did to breathe in. After a couple of good breaths like this, notice where you are holding tension in your body, and with the next breath out, consciously let go of that tension, and let it melt away from you.”

• Three things that you can hear. • Two things that you can smell. • One thing that you can taste. The deliberate act of focusing on your surroundings can help stop the cycle of anxious thoughts when anticipatory anxiety begins to build.

ASK YOURSELF LOGICAL QUESTIONS When we’re anxious, we can overthink things. One small worry about feeling anxious can lead to another and another, and then your fleeting negative thought is any number of potential disasters. “If I have a panic attack, then this will happen, and then this, and then this.” Ask yourself some logical questions: what’s the worst thing that can happen? Has this ever happened before? Is there actual evidence to suggest that this will happen? Learning to challenge your anxious thoughts will give you a more reasoned response to your anticipatory anxiety. Even if you can’t quash your anxiety, you can go a long way to stop being anxious about it. Recognising the physical symptoms and trusting yourself is a big part of that.

TRY TO STAY GROUNDED Staying present when you’re anxious is really difficult, so it really helps to focus on something else. If you are in a safe place, try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. • Name five things you can see. • Four things that you can touch.

Devon McDonald is a counsellor primarily working with psychodynamic theory. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 51

100 ways to relax

57. Have an at-home spa day.

58. Start a new craft you’ve always wanted to try.

41. WAKE UP EARLY TO WATCH THE SUNRISE.

59. Watch an inspiring nature documentary.

42. Watch a comedy series.

60. “I like to play Azul online.” – Charlotte Noel, Creative Lead

43. Try a relaxing stretching routine.

61. Use visualisation techniques to escape your day-to-day

44. Try a new hobby with a friend.

62. Visit a beach.

45. Hold an inverted yoga pose (any pose where your heart is above your head).

63. Read a book from a genre you wouldn’t usually pick.

64. Make your own face mask. 46. Take care of your nails and hands. 65. Go to a trial day for a new sport. 47. Make a plan for the next time you take time off work.

52. Go window shopping. 66. Watch a local drama performance.

48. Listen to our podcast.

53. Play a playground game with your friends.

49. Try a new bedtime routine.

54. Have an indoor picnic.

67. Listen to some nature sounds.

68. Make a well-loved family recipe. 50. Go for a walk near a large body of water.

55. Reorder your bookshelves (by colour, author, size, etc.).

51. Make your favourite childhood dinner.

56. COMPLETE A CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

52 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

69. Complete Happiful’s guided journaling section from p83. FOR YOUR NEXT LOT OF INSPIRATION, HEAD TO P73

an open mind

What is trichotillomania, and why do we need to talk about it? Clare, who has had the hair-pulling disorder for nearly 40 years, tells her story Writing | Becky Dickinson

“

t’s as if I’m stuck in a trance. It can feel like I’m glued to the spot and dissociated from the world around me. When I’m in an episode of high urges, it’s like a storm of waves on a beach; you can try to stand up to one wave, or urge, but the next one is right behind it. It’s cognitively exhausting, like trying to hold back the sea – and often I don’t win.” Clare Mackay is describing how it feels to be in the grip of trichotillomania – a condition in which people experience an overwhelming urge to pull out their own hair or eyelashes. As Clare explains, the condition is even harder to control than it is to pronounce. “I liken the intensity of the urge to trying not to scratch an itch. It’s not just a ‘bad habit’, it’s a disorder, and we can’t just

‘stop it’. I’ve heard others describe losing hours of their time, feeling completely stuck in a pulling episode.” Now aged 50, Clare began pulling out her eyelashes when she was 12, after being badly bullied at school. Currently a professor of neuroscience at Oxford University, the condition has followed her through life, causing intense shame and distress. However, it wasn’t until she was 27 that she became aware it was a disorder. “A friend was doing clinical psychology training, and called me to say he’d come across the term. I immediately went to the hospital library and pulled out the diagnostic manual. I still remember the feeling of amazement when I saw it written there, in black and white, for the

first time. Until that moment I thought it was just me. I felt a surge of hope; if it’s not just me there might be people who understand, and possibly even treatments.”

Understanding trichotillomania

Trichotillomania, or trich for short, belongs to a family of disorders called ‘body focused repetitive behaviours’ (BFRBs). Related conditions include skin-picking (dermatillomania, excoriation) and nail-biting (onychophagia). The conditions are surprisingly common: it’s estimated that around 1–2% of people live with trichotillomania, with more women affected than men. By comparison, approximately 1% of people live with schizophrenia or OCD. >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 53

“A key characteristic of trichotillomania is the sense of relief and release that is experienced following the behaviour. Often this occurs when an individual is feeling a sense of stress or anxiety, hence this is a maladaptive coping mechanism that some people develop,” says Dr Meg Arroll, psychologist and author of Tiny Traumas. BFRBs can cause visible damage to the body, including gaps between eyelashes and bald patches on the scalp – and often a crushing sense of shame, guilt, distress, and isolation. 54 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

an open mind

Why is it so shameful?

“It’s really difficult to come to terms with the fact that I’m not in control of my own hands. It feels inherently shameful to be unable to control an urge,” Clare explains. “I have felt ugly because of my trich all my life. Even when other people don’t really notice, to me it’s huge. “There is something specific about hair, too. We have all sorts of cultural norms and expectations about where on our body we want more or less hair.” Unfortunately, Clare says stigma is amplified by a lack of understanding among both the public and healthcare professionals. “People who don’t have this sort of disorder simply can’t understand, or even believe, that we cannot control the urge. They assume we’re making a deliberate choice, which is maybe attributed to attention-seeking or just being weird. At the same time, people can assume it’s not a big deal, which invalidates the distress.” Dr Arroll agrees. She says: “The medical and scientific community’s understanding of conditions lags behind people’s lived experience sadly, but it is evolving.” This, she says, is why talking about trichotillomania is so important, “so that sufferers can feel seen, heard, and legitimised”.

Can therapy help with trichotillomania?

“Finding the right therapist who has experience and knowledge of trichotillomania is more important than finding the right therapy,” says Fiona Yassin, family psychotherapist and founder of The Wave Clinic.

As trich usually begins in childhood, she says early intervention is key. “Often, people who have had trichotillomania as a young person do not receive treatment until they’re treated for something else, such as an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder. It is essential young people get treatment for their anxiety, discomfort, and dysregulation, as opposed to treating just the behaviour.” One type of treatment is Habit Reversal Therapy – a tailored form of cognitive behavioural therapy that aims to replace maladaptive behaviours with actions that do not cause harm. Fiona says coping strategies such as meditation and mindfulness, and grounding techniques such as lightsource visualisation, can also be helpful. “Treatment plans and self-help strategies should help young people to reduce or manage urges, feelings, and cognitions. Providing young people with other behaviours to occupy hands and distraction techniques is a great first-line behavioural intervention.” However, Fiona stresses that the most important aspect of care is acknowledging the distress, shame, and pain, and providing a safe, supportive space. Following various therapies, Clare’s trich is now “better than it’s ever been”. She says: “The important elements were compassion-focused therapy and schema-based therapy. It wasn’t specifically aimed at my trich, but targeted the ‘critical voice’ that I had on a permanent loop. After the shame was banished, my trich felt much more manageable.”

Clare Mackay

How to support someone with trichotillomania

“Try to be open-minded, kind, try to get a bit more informed, and above all, try not to show fear, anger, frustration, because they add to the shame,” says Clare. For parents, Fiona Yassin advises noting when repetitive behaviours happen, such as before school, or tests, or going to a friend’s house, and adopting a gentle approach. She says: “As hard as it may be, try not to police the pulling and picking, as this often leads to an increase in stress and anxiety. Trichotillomania behaviours are happening because a young person is internalising the stress of external events. Ask how the child is feeling – ‘I notice you’re moving your hands around a lot. I’m wondering if you’re feeling nervous right now?’”

Where to find help

“The opposite of shame is connection,” says Clare. After attempting to conceal her condition for so long, she has recently ‘come out’ to raise awareness and let others know they are not alone. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 55

Is it me or you?

Investigating what happens in our brains in the whirlwind of romance, and why we might feel imposter syndrome in our relationships as a result

omantic love is one of the most celebrated concepts in our society, with swathes of art, movies, and songs made about it, inspired by the powerful effect it has on us. Because of these rose-tinted notions on our screens, we can create big, romanticised images in our minds of what love should look like and how we should be in that image. Sometimes, that picture becomes so idealised that we feel we fall short of those expectations. What we must first acknowledge when we have anxious thoughts about our relationship is that, despite what Instagram or Disney movies might have us believe, absolutely everybody on the planet will experience some form of insecurity or doubt from time to time. Our brains have a natural negativity bias that will cause us to question any aspect of our lives at some point. We are much more tolerant of this negativity bias in our career, friendships, and family, because we expect that not everything is going to be perfect

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ELIZABETH DUNNE all the time in those areas, but for many, our expectations of ourselves in love can be much higher. This negativity bias can be further exacerbated in love because it is such an intense neurochemical whirlwind of emotions. Relationships trigger deep biological and primal urges for safety, as procreation and being with a partner increases our chances of survival. Our brains place a lot of importance on that loving feeling as a result, pumping us full of reward chemicals and stress hormones in those early days of dating. The brain in love essentially becomes addicted to its object of desire, with research, notably by Professor Semir Zeki and Dr Andreas Bartels published in NeuroReport, suggesting that during the ‘honeymoon period’, serotonin drops to the same levels as those with OCD. This not only affects our mood, but brings about obsessional thinking, where you can’t focus on anything except your partner’s eye colour, or the way they scratch their ear. In this period, activity in the

MA DSFH

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hynotherapy Directory.

prefrontal cortex also decreases, which is why we experience a dip in our decision-making abilities, and see things a little less objectively. Once that honeymoon period is over, the neurochemical storm in our brain begins to calm, and we can see things more clearly. It is that period when our partner’s habit of not putting the lid back on the toothpaste or their lack of navigation skills in the car becomes more noticeable. This is, in fact, a good thing, because it means we can see and accept our partner for who they are: human. When we experience imposter syndrome in relationships (that feeling of ‘being found out’ by our partner as not deserving of their love), a common pattern I

EXPERT COLUMN

see in clients who go on to report relationship insecurity is that this period can be terrifying. Fuelled by society’s perfect image of love, it can make us feel like we need to maintain this standard in our own love life. This can be exhausting, generating more anxiety which, over time, leads us to seeing ourselves in the relationship through a more negative lens.

To work on combating anxious thoughts in a relationship, the first thing to do is start with yourself. This is the most important relationship you will have in life, and, like any relationship, it requires care, compassion, and effort. The stronger your self-esteem becomes, the more self-sufficient and secure you will feel both in and out of the

relationship. You will also become more objective and better able to see your relationship as it is, not how you fear it might be. Studies, such as 2022 research published in Emotion, have shown that regular mindfulness practice with a focus on compassion, like the Buddhist loving kindness (Metta) meditation, can reduce anxiety in those who experience relationship insecurity, and can be a powerful tool in building self-worth. The second thing is to be honest with your partner, and seek mutual support through discussing your worries and concerns. Research from 2020, published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, actually shows that a secure partner can buffer relationship insecurity in the other through honest communication about these thoughts. By articulating your feelings, you are giving your partner the opportunity to support you through them. You can also spend time thinking about what is going well in the relationship, how you are showing up for each other, and what can improve. Authentic and honest communication with your partner helps you navigate the highs and lows of the relationship as a united front, helping you work towards the life you want, together. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 57

Happiful recommends

From an expectation-free hiking trend to an all-inclusive communication guide, we have 10 wellbeing recommendations just for you Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

Make your friends feel heard Do you notice that someone in your friendship circle always gets spoken over by more extroverted friends in the group? Let’s make a conscious effort to circle back to them, and ensure their voice is heard. Just because they may be a little quieter, doesn’t mean their thoughts aren’t fascinating and worth listening to.

PAGE-TURNERS A Book to Brighten Your Day: Murphy’s Sketches by Kerri Cunningham The talented artist behind the social media account @murphys_sketches has created a book for all of her much-loved illustrations to be treasured in paper form. Through her playful sketches, she captures the essence of finding joy in the simple moments, serving as a well of inspiration and comfort. (Out now, Hodder & Stoughton)

ACT OF KINDNESS

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Best Friend Therapy’ Elizabeth Day is an author and broadcaster known for her self-help podcast ‘How to Fail’. Now, she joins forces with psychotherapist Emma Reed-Turrell – her best friend of 20 years – to chat about everyday challenges, and address them with compassion and honesty as if they were your own BFFs. (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Soft hiking Are you an adventure enthusiast who simply loves the thrill of the journey, and isn’t too concerned with achieving a specific goal? If you can relate, get ready to embrace soft hiking! Put simply, soft hiking is hiking without a competitive stance, purely for the enjoyment and the experience. Where will your soft hiking escapades take you? 58 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

PLUGGED-IN

Caroline | Career Coach Whether you’re in the middle of switching careers, or looking to succeed in your current job, Caroline’s got you covered with her informative videos. Get ready to hit the ground running, because she’s got all the tips and tricks you need to take charge of your professional development with confidence. (@whathappensnow.co on TikTok)

culture

LESSON LEARNED

The Calm Club Yoga Deck | katikaia.com

Communicate with those with hearing loss At RNID, the national hearing loss charity offers a wealth of resources on how to communicate effectively with those with hearing loss, including practical tools such as guides on making your workplace more inclusive. By educating ourselves, we can foster a society where everyone is valued and included. (Head to rnid.org.uk for information and support)

SQUARE EYES

TECH TIP-OFFS

Hub of Hope When you’re in need of mental health support, not knowing which way to turn in the moment can be really overwhelming. Fortunately, the Hub of Hope app is the pocket advocate that gives you no-nonsense national and local resources to access effortlessly right at your fingertips. (Available on all platforms)

GET GOING

Tai Chi Tai Chi is another mind-body practice that is popular in the fitness world, and for good reason. You might associate it with selfdefence, but it is often referred to as the ‘moving meditation’ because of its slow, graceful movements and breathing exercises. This ancient practice is specifically designed to harmonise both the mind and body. (Search YouTube for videos)

Dear Evan Hansen If you’re looking for a sensitive film about healing, hope, and connection, watch the film adaptation of the Tony award-winning musical, Dear Evan Hansen. Following the life of Evan, a teenager with social anxiety, the story explores the struggles behind teen mental health and finding self-acceptance. (Available to watch on Netflix)

TREAT YOURSELF

The Calm Club Yoga Deck Ready to take your first step into yoga? Starting something new can feel daunting but, fear not, the Calm Club Yoga Deck is here to help you kick off your fitness journey with a skip in your step and a smile on your face. Included in the pack are 50 illustrated cards with easy-tofollow poses to help you find your inner yogi. (£15, katikaia.com)

WIN A CALM CLUB YOGA DECK For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which of the following is not a yoga pose? a) Butterfly pose b) Mountain pose c) Dumbbell pose *Competition closes 31 March 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 83 | 59

PUT WELLBEING ON THE CORPORATE AGENDA

Mind your business Your go-to guide to thriving on the clock

A year of Happiful for staff Support the beating heart of your business, by prioritising employees’ mental wellbeing. Purchasing a print subscription to Happiful provides a monthly delivery of positivity straight to their door, packed with expert insight, life-changing hacks, and a wealth of self-help guidance. • Bigger discounts the more subscriptions your order • Exclusive 50-page workplace wellbeing PDF • Content that normalises mental health discussion • For every tree used to print our magazine, we plant two • 100% recyclable magazine and envelope

Visit happiful.com/workplace-subscriptions today!

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food & health

FEED FEED YOUR FERTILITY

With infertility impacting 1 in 7 couples in the UK, knowing how to support the body when trying for a baby is a helpful step. Here, Jenna Farmer chats to a nutritionist about foods that feed fertility for men

rying for a baby is an exciting time for many couples. But, for others, it can be a harder journey. Infertility can be extremely difficult to live with, but it’s also not uncommon, with the NHS estimating that around one in seven couples have difficulties conceiving. When this happens, there can be a range of different causes, and for a quarter of couples that reason is never actually identified. However, in other cases, it can be down to things like poor-quality semen. “Sperm counts among men in the West have more than halved in the past 40 years, and are currently falling by an average

of 1.4% a year,” says nutritionist Isobel Baillie Hamilton. “Most male infertility reflects abnormal sperm count (oligospermia) or quality of sperm, and natural barriers in the female reproductive tract allow only 40 of 20 million ejaculated sperm to reach the vicinity of the egg.” It’s important to note that not all of these problems can be improved by diet and nutrition (for example, these could also be caused by certain medications) but, according to the British Nutrition Foundation, diet can affect male fertility, and a healthy balanced diet can also help increase chances of conception.

So, let’s take a closer look at fertility foods for men.

Think Mediterranean The Mediterranean diet, which centres around fish, wholegrains, and veggies (and eliminates things like processed foods) has been linked to a whole range of health benefits, from heart health to longer lifespan, but a recent study, published in the journal Nutrients, found it also increased a couples chance of conception, specifically due to its anti-inflammatory properties. “Following a Mediterranean diet can provide us with essential antioxidants such as zinc, >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 61

vitamins C and E, as well as fish oils/omega-3 and selenium (found in Brazil nuts). All of these beautiful nutrients have been shown to boost sperm count and improve the sperm’s ability to wiggle to where it needs to be for successful conception,” Isobel explains.

Swap to organic You don’t need to eat organic all of the time, but swapping certain foods for organic versions may be more beneficial than others when it comes to overall health benefits. 62 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

“Pesticides and chemicals can negatively impact sperm quality and quantity, not to mention those that have been directly linked to azoospermia (when a man’s semen has no measurable sperm),” Isobel says. “I recommend my clients familiarise themselves with the ‘Clean 15’ and ‘Dirty Dozen’ lists. The top 15 foods with the least pesticides are called the ‘Clean 15’, while the 12 foods with the most pesticides are called the ‘Dirty Dozen’. These lists are fantastic to take with you on your shopping trips to know when to

buy organic, and when it’s OK to buy conventional!”

Make sure you get enough vitamin C Whether it’s a glass of OJ each morning or a brightly coloured salad packed with broccoli and peppers, foods rich in vitamin C are an easy fertility food to add to your diet. For the most impact, it could be worth opting for a highquality supplement. In fact, one study, published in the Journal of Medicinal Food, on infertile men showed that taking 1,000 mg of vitamin C supplements twice

food & health

ALL THE VEGGIES IN THE WORLD CAN’T COMPENSATE FOR A HIGH-STRESS LIFESTYLE a day for up to two months garnered impressive results. It increased sperm motility by 92%, and sperm count by more than 100%. It also reduced the proportion of deformed sperm cells by 55%.

Ditch the alcohol It’s not just about food swaps, but drink swaps, too. Alcohol is often the first thing people ditch when embarking on a fertility journey, and there’s science to back it up! “Excessive use of alcohol can reduce sperm count, and eliminating this from your diet can drastically improve your chances of successful fertility,” says Isobel. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have the occasional beer or glass of wine. One study, published in the journal Fertility Research & Practice, found that men who consumed a low amount of alcohol had no difference in semen parameters, suggesting that, like most things, it really is all about moderation.

Tuck into high-zinc food Several studies have shown zinc is important in male fertility, helping with sperm quality and normal sperm function. The good news is that lots of everyday foods contain zinc – from shellfish to eggs and nuts – so incorporating more of these in your diet is a great place to start. Oysters are one of the best sources of zinc, so there’s never been a better excuse to splash out on a fancy seafood restaurant.

Don’t forget to de-stress While making healthy food choices is really important, there’s little point in reaching for the foods on this list if you’re not working on lifestyle changes, too. All the veggies in the world can’t compensate for a high-stress lifestyle, so looking at how you can de-stress is one of the most important things you can do. “Cortisol is most well known as being our ‘stress hormone’. In cases of acute and chronic stress and trauma (physical or emotional), this hormone is

Isobel Baillie Hamilton is a clinical gut health nutrional therapist. Find out more on Nutritionist Resource.

released, and other important fertility-friendly hormones are suppressed,” Isobel explains. “It is therefore essential that we gather the tools to temper our stress and cortisol levels, seeking help from counsellors and professionals where necessary. Don’t be put off if you don’t have success with therapy the first time – it usually takes trial and error to find the right course for you – but it’s important to know that there are people out there who can help!” While the food choices on this list may not be the complete solution for fertility problems, they can give you a good place to start. And remember, if you have any concerns about your health, your fertility, or trying to conceive, it’s always important to reach out to your GP. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 63

COULD YOU WRITE YOURSELF TO SLEEP? The key to creating a clear head at night could be getting everything down on paper Writing | Caroline Butterwick

olling around in bed, trying to get comfortable, my mind flitters with thoughts. I’m mulling over the day that’s just gone, replaying moments and fretting over whether I said the right things. This is interspersed with thinking about what I need to do tomorrow – those emails that need sending, that looming deadline. Sound familiar? Sleep is something many of us struggle with. So, I was very interested when the writing-for-wellbeing expert, Kate McBarron, told me about the idea of using writing to help us sleep. Could putting pen to paper really help with getting some shut eye?

WRITING FOR SLEEP

“There are two approaches I find helpful,” Kate says. “The first is about boosting that feel-good factor just before sleep. This might mean writing a gratitude list or a thank you note before you turn out the lights. The second is about reducing worry or feelings of stress. This can include jotting down a to-do list or spending some time writing down your thoughts and feelings from the day. 64 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

“Immersing ourselves in thoughts of gratitude just before sleep has been shown to improve sleep quality and duration,” Kate explains. “It’s been suggested that this is down to the role of ‘presleep cognition’. Negative thoughts just before bed are likely to be overstimulating, whereas positive thoughts put us in a better state for sleep. When we write a gratitude list or thank you note, it encourages us to focus more deeply on the positives, particularly if we spend some time exploring the details.” Writing around worries or emotions is important, too. “Getting things ‘down on paper’ and exploring them on the page can help relieve some of the processing burden from our mind,” says Kate. “The theory goes that when our brain is no longer so busy trying to make sense of an emotional event or worrying about an incomplete task, then it can enter a more relaxed state and we can fall asleep more easily.”

GRATITUDE LISTS

One of the techniques Kate suggests is writing a gratitude list before you go to bed, where you jot down things you are grateful for.

“The process will be more powerful if you allow yourself to focus on the details,” she explains. “So, for example, rather than saying ‘I’m grateful for a bed to sleep in’ and stopping there, spend some time thinking about the qualities you most appreciate. Is it comfortable? Are there things around you that spark happiness? Occasionally, people will say to me that they can’t think of many things to add to their gratitude list. Sometimes it’s because the ‘big’ things – like being grateful for our home, or loved ones, or our life – are too big. Dive into the details and you might be surprised by how many smaller, but still meaningful, reasons for gratitude you’re able to find.”

THANK YOU NOTE

A thank you note can be written to anyone in your life. “The idea isn’t to send the note, but to spend time focusing on something positive,” Kate says. “You can write to a person, an animal, or even an object or place. You might want to write to yourself – thanking your mind or body for helping you through the day.”

CREATIVE CORNER

EXPRESSIVE WRITING

Many of us know the cathartic value of writing. “Getting thoughts and feelings on to the page can be helpful when you’re feeling stressed,” Kate tells me. This could be a one-off piece of expressive writing, or by keeping a journal. “I’d suggest setting aside a time to write when you won’t be disturbed, and avoid doing it just before bed. Stirring up emotions before sleep can actually keep you awake, so make sure you write earlier in the evening. Only write about things that you feel are manageable. If you start to feel overwhelmed, then shift your focus to something positive.”

GIVING IT A GO

TO-DO LIST

Does your mind swirl with the things you need to get done tomorrow, making it harder to switch off and sleep? This is where a to-do list can come in. “Writing to-do lists is something I find helpful when there’s a lot going on, and my brain won’t settle,” says Kate. “Before bed, I’ll write down as many things as I can think of that I need to get done over the next few days – things that are not part of my usual routine. Once the tasks are out of my head and safely stored on a piece of paper, or in the notes app on my phone, then my mind feels more at ease.”

The technique you choose will depend on what works for you, and what is affecting your sleep. I’ve found writing a to-do list particularly effective for getting thoughts out of my mind before bed. “While a lot of people don’t see themselves as writers, many of us do write every day in some form or another,” reassures Kate. “We write messages to each other, shopping lists, social media posts, and emails. In these cases, writing is a means to an end. It might be helpful to think of the writing activities here in the same way – they are sleep aids. No previous experience is needed, and things like spelling, grammar, punctuation, and artistic ability aren’t important.” It can take some time to try out different things, or see what suits your needs. So this evening, how about sitting with a notebook and having a go at one of the above? happiful.com | Issue 83 | 65

How to handle FOMO when you work shifts

When you work ‘anti-social’ hours, it can be hard to navigate the feeling of missing out. Here, we share some tips for handling shift work FOMO Writing | Leah Collins

t was during a misty midSeptember commute when a realisation struck me. My morning had hummed along with its usual bumbling monotony. I rose from bed around 9:30am, vision blurred from drowsiness. I ventured out into the chilly autumnal air, trudging to the local pub for my opening shift. And that’s when it hit me: ‘Sh*t, Sarah’s birthday was last week.’ I’d been too busy working to notice, let alone reach out to one of my dearest friends. To those familiar with shift work, this stomach-churning feeling is unfortunately all too common. The ever-changing shift patterns, coupled with long and unpredictable hours, make it nearly impossible to schedule a social life. FOMO, the ‘fear of missing out’, reflects the anxiety of feeling like an exciting or interesting event may be happening without you. Luckily for fellow shift workers, there are multiple ways to tackle it. Although they can’t guarantee that you’ll never feel left out again, these ideas ensure you’ll be able to keep cool in the face of FOMO.

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1. DISTINGUISH SOCIAL MEDIA FROM REALITY Social media is a primary trigger for FOMO. A positive step forward is accepting the difference between online and reality. Remind yourself that social media is a highlight reel, not an accurate reflection of someone’s daily life. Unfollow or ‘mute’ accounts that don’t leave you feeling confident about yourself. Instead, cultivate your social media feed to help reduce FOMO. And just think, how many events have you attended that look amazing in a snapshot, but didn’t live up to the hype? Perhaps it was awkward small talk, friends rowing, or spending a fortune on something you didn’t really enjoy – missing out because of work can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.

2. ACCEPT YOUR FOMO, BUT DON’T DWELL Although we wish that we could scream ‘Yes!’ to every weekday brunch date, co-worker leavingdo, or coffee catch-up thrown our way, unfortunately, we are only human, and turning down plans is completely OK (albeit frustrating).

Acknowledging your FOMO is fundamental to overcoming it. While these emotions are natural, it is vital not to let them fester into resentment and bitterness, as this will only enhance FOMO in the long-term. “Practise mindful reflection,” advises counsellor Abigail Holman. “FOMO often pulls us away from the present moment. Practising mindfulness can, therefore, help you focus on the here and now, enabling you to appreciate what’s right in front of you.”

3. INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS “It’s vital to discuss your shift patterns with close loved ones,” says Abigail. “This will make it easier to schedule social activities in advance, and help you make the most of your downtime.” Being honest with loved ones about your struggles not only allows you to openly discuss your feelings, but can also be a nice change of pace and help you shake that feeling of missing out. It might mean they’re more conscious of checking in with you in advance of making plans in

relationships

REMAIN PERSISTENT, RECOGNISE YOUR OWN ACCOMPLISHMENTS, AND BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF

“There are lots of benefits worth considering and embracing based on your unique situation,” adds Abigail. “I recommend exploring the advantages of your unconventional work schedule. It might provide extra income, time to study, or to attend appointments.” It might also be that your work is meaningful to you, so focusing on the positives and why you’re doing something, can help shake off the FOMO in other parts of your life.

5. BE KIND TO YOURSELF

Abigail Holman is a counsellor, coach, and trainer. Discover more information on the Counselling Directory.

future, to try to work around your schedule, or organise something separate to look forward to. Making plans with someone close to you, and doing something social, also puts you at the centre of the action. For those working unsociable shift patterns, a quick telephone call for a chat with a loved one can help to foster a more meaningful connection, even when a face-to-face catch-up isn’t possible.

4. FOCUS ON THE LONG-TERM While it’s important to validate your FOMO feelings, it’s wise to remind yourself why you’re missing out, and assess how working shift patterns might fit in with your long-term ambitions. The key to optimising these efforts is to remain persistent, recognise your own accomplishments, and be patient with yourself.

Lastly, it’s important to give yourself a break. Keep in mind that you’re human, so don’t beat yourself up if you feel burnt out, lonely, or overwhelmed. Taking regular breaks to relax and gather your thoughts is just as important as working hard on shift. “Making the most of your free time can be essential in overcoming FOMO,” Abigail says. “Try to view your time off from traditional hours as an opportunity. Use it for a relaxed, slow morning, attending a class, going shopping when it’s quieter, or engaging in activities you enjoy when it’s typically less crowded.” But, as Abigail suggests, if these feelings continue negatively impacting your daily life, consider seeking professional help for tailored strategies to manage them. And just know that while there may be times when you fear you’re missing out, there’ll be plenty of moments to look forward to as well. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 67

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving. PAULO COELHO

Photograph | Uriel Mont

an open mind

Worry of the day Do you often find yourself worrying about the future? Does it steal you away from the present moment? Here, we explore four techniques for managing worry, today Writing | Kate Orson

ow often do we worry about tomorrow, next week, next year, even our old age? Before we know it, our minds have run away with us, dredging up worst-case scenarios of the future. Why do humans tend to do this? We can spend hours ruminating and worrying about things that are outside of our control, and might never even happen. Karin Peeters is a coach and psychotherapist with some good advice about coming back to the present. When it comes to getting frank about worry, she says: “We believe that by worrying, we can determine the outcome. It gives us an illusion of control over the situation, while it is actually outside our sphere of influence.’’ We have been given 24 hours in a day, a small portion of time that is under our control. What if we simply focused on that? What if we just did what is in our power

to do today, and left tomorrow’s worries for another day? Taming a wild mind full of worries may sound easier said than done – and, sometimes, help and support from professionals is needed to get to the root cause of anxiety. However, there are some small practical steps you can take to ease the stress and focus on today. Here are a few tips.

A today list

Instead of a to-do list, what about writing a today list instead? This way you can focus on the tasks that you are actually able to do today, rather than feeling overwhelmed by enormous tasks that you don’t have time for. Roughly sketch out your day, with the tasks you can fit in. Be realistic about what you have time for, rather than trying to do much. If there’s something big that needs to be tackled, is there a small bite-sized step that

can be done today? No matter how tiny, it is a move forward. This can help make things manageable, while also avoiding procrastination. For example, if your house is a mess, what little task can you add to your today list? It could be just cleaning the kitchen counter, or the oven, or dusting the surfaces. Everything else can be ignored! Karin recommends using the ‘urgent-important’ matrix. This concept comes from US President Dwight Eisenhower who once said in a speech, “I have two kinds of problems: the urgent and the important. The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent.” Karin explains how the method works: “For each task, check if it is urgent or not. Then check if it is important or not. In this way, you’ll get four categories. Focus on what is urgent and important. Schedule time ahead for what is >>> happiful.com | Issue 83 | 69

F O C US ON T H E TA S K S T H AT YO U A R E AC T UA L LY A B L E T O D O T O DAY

We believe that by worrying, we can determine the outcome

A worry is not necessarily a sign that things are going to end badly important, but not necessarily urgent.’’

Mañana

In Spanish, the term ‘por la mañana’ is used for something that can wait for the next day. Tomorrow will be another day, you’ll be rested, with a new level of energy. What might feel overwhelming today might feel easy tomorrow. It’s OK to write a tomorrow list! Write down all the things that are occupying your mind, but can’t get done today. Put your list aside, read it tomorrow, and see if it seems manageable. You can use it to craft your next day’s ‘today list’, or it can be put off again for another time entirely.

Focused worry time

Sometimes our minds insist on worrying about the things that are outside of our control. How can you tame your mind? One way is to spend some time

focusing on the thoughts that demand your attention. “Create designated worry time. When we assign a certain amount of time to worrying, let’s say 10–15 minutes (definitely no longer than 30 minutes), we can let our thoughts run wild and really go for it,” says Karin. “You can do so every day, at a similar moment in your daily routine, and give yourself full permission to worry in that scheduled time frame. Ideally, write the worries down. When worries pop up during the rest of the day, you can tell yourself, ‘I am setting this aside for my designated worry time’, and then you can get on with what needs to be done in the moment.’’

It’ll be all right in the end A worry is not necessarily a sign that things are going to end badly. Can you remember a time

when you were concerned about something that ended up being all right in the end? Maybe it was hosting a party and worrying nobody would turn up, being terrified you would fail an exam, or heading into a job interview. Journal about any times like these you can remember. How did you feel beforehand, and how did you feel after? These journal entries can be read and reread to reassure yourself of the many times when you worried and yet everything was OK in the end. Sometimes our worries do stem from trauma from the past, or from a present-day crisis. There are times when concerns are very genuine and can’t be packaged up neatly with a bow and left for another time. Journaling, or talking with a therapist, can help to untangle feelings and decipher what is a genuine concern, and what can be put aside. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 71

“After 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other. ALDOUS HUXLEY

Photograph | Wesley Davi

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try this at home

100 ways to relax

81. EXPERIMENT WITH COLD WATER THERAPY (START WITH A COOL SHOWER!)

82. Work on your balance by holding one-legged yoga poses.

83. Take a 20-minute nap. 70. Try acupressure on yourself.

71. Start a scrapbook.

72. Take your full lunch break.

84. Batch cook your meals for the week.

85. Practise functional movement exercises.

73. Watch a feel-good film. 86. Propagate your favourite plants. 74. Spend 10 minutes taking in direct sunlight. 87. Have a chat with an elderly friend or relative. 75. Research a topic you’re interested in.

94. Go on a cake and coffee date.

95. Reduce your screen time. 88. Plan out a new morning routine.

76. Make a blanket fort and camp out in it.

96. Give yourself a manicure. 89. Write down 10 things you are grateful for.

77. Host a board game evening.

78. Try a new type of food.

90. Set yourself a self-care challenge for the week.

79. Listen to classical music.

91. Spend time with a pet.

97. Create a soothing atmosphere with some candles.

98. Plan out a nutritionally balanced meal plan.

99. Print off your photos and create an album. 80. “I love playing basketball, it helps me relax and let out the steam built throughout the day.” – Rosan Magar, Illustrator

92. Try cloud watching.

93. Make your own home decor.

100. Write down calming affirmations to repeat. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 73

Where dignity is on the menu At her café in Warwickshire, Farida Butt is serving a regular side order of English lessons to help refugees begin a new life Writing | Ellen Manning

t first glance, Farida Butt’s cafe in Kenilworth might seem like just another dessert joint. But, step inside Milk and Mocha on a Tuesday morning, and you’ll find a group gathered in the corner, practising a range of simple English phrases that could make all the difference to them calling the UK home. Many have fled war-torn countries and are living in hotels near this small Warwickshire town, waiting to find a more permanent home. They have few belongings, limited budgets, and can’t speak the language. Farida, 46, previously worked at a refugee and migrant centre in nearby Coventry, witnessing firsthand the challenges asylum seekers face. When she and her family opened Milk and Mocha during the pandemic – no mean feat in itself – the mum-of-four’s attention turned to refugees based in hotels near the town, and how exploring how she could help them. “I’m from Coventry originally, but lived in Italy for 18 years – hence my love of coffee and gelato – where I taught English as a foreign language. I had stopped teaching after moving back, but my experience meant I could do

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something to help, so I started offering free English classes.” The sessions are informal, and are as important for providing some sense of normality and community as they are for teaching language, she says. “Here, they can access a space which is comfortable and safe. We offer a free coffee in the morning when they come, and the whole experience gives them some dignity.” Farida runs two sessions a week where she and other volunteers teach spoken and written English, giving those who attend – including refugees from Iraq, Kurdistan, and Syria, and immigrants from Hong Kong – the chance to learn basic phrases for everyday life. She also offers space for independent study, and points out that it’s not just parents who benefit, but their children, too. “It’s simple things, like going to the doctor’s and being able to communicate, or going to school parents’ evening.” Yet the classes extend far beyond simply teaching a language, she says, and are about giving self-respect back to people who have lost everything. “Some people talk as if these guys are living a great life in a hotel, but think about how

you feel once you’ve been in a hotel for a week, 10 days, two weeks – you want home,” Farida says. “These people don’t have that. They are stuck behind four walls, on limited budgets, in a strange place. This gives them the opportunity to go out, integrate, and become part of our communities.” That integration is clear at a fundraiser held at the cafe – the second Farida has organised – to fund courses, such as food hygiene, to help refugees gain employment when permitted. On a quiet Monday night, the cafe is brought to life with a Kurdish dinner cooked by women who welcome any opportunity to escape their hotel rooms, and feed people their traditional dishes. “It gives them the opportunity to prepare the food for the evening, having the dignity of cooking for others as they would have done in their own homes,” says Farida. In the evening, we listen to a powerful poem by one man, traditional music played by another, before dining on dishes like shifta and dolma, followed by a Kurdish biryani. By the end, everyone is on their feet learning Kurdish dancing.

They are stuck behind four walls, on limited budgets, in a strange place. This gives them the opportunity to go out, integrate, and become part of our communities

One of the evening’s cooks, Avin, nervously tells the room her own story, stumbling over her newly-learned English words as she tells how she, her husband, and her children left Kurdistan in 2015, travelling across Europe to the UK where they have been living in a hotel for a year. “We get fed, but we have no dignity,” she says. “In the future, I

would like to see my children get a good education and follow their dreams.” Another woman shows me pictures of the city in Kurdistan that she fled to come here, telling me how she eventually wants to make a home for herself in the UK, and start her own business. Farida says the tales she has heard bring into stark relief the

trauma many refugees have been through. “One Eritrean lady was speaking Turkish, and when I asked her how she could speak it fluently, she told me it was because she was stuck there for three years. It’s an eye-opener when you talk to people – we just don’t realise the journeys some of them have gone through to get to safety.” The money raised will help put 25 people through courses, Farida tells us. But she’s not stopping there. She already takes some students out to sample new experiences, from taking a bus to visiting nearby arts centres and yoga classes, and has started a CIC (Community Interest Company) called Education for All, in the hope she can get funding to do more. Since she started her classes last January, she has recruited volunteer helpers, and also hopes to set up workshops to help with CVs, job interview practice, and more – anything that will help people who have lost everything rebuild a life for themselves, and regain the pride they have lost. For Farida, the crux is quite simple. “What we’re doing is trying to make the invisible visible.” And she has certainly done that, in all the right ways. happiful.com | Issue 83 | 75

5 tips for balancing GAMING IN RELATIONSHIPS Gaming is one of the UK’s most popular hobbies, so how can you make it work in a relationship? Writing | Emma Flint

ideo gaming, and how it’s perceived, has come a long way since the solitary gamer stereotype we were presented with back in the 90s and early 2000s. Where skepticism and doubt once dogged the medium, now we see a shift towards the positive, with gaming credited for being a helpful tool rather than one that causes harm. Many players, both avid and casual alike, have found that immersing themselves in these fantastical worlds – running pixelated farms and/or finishing various quests – has proven a salve through difficult times. Similar to losing yourself in a good book or rewatching your favourite films, video games offer us active escapism where we, sometimes literally, captain our own destinies. However, maintaining a balance between real life and video gaming can prove tricky, even more so when you’re in a relationship. Regardless of whether your partner is a

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dedicated gamer like yourself, or if gaming is a whole new world to them, not finding an equilibrium both parties agree on can lead to tense situations. As with any entertainment medium, moderation is key. To try to help other gamers navigate the fine balance between relationships and video gaming, I’ve combined my personal experiences and industry expertise to create a helpful list to make finding that balance a little easier.

COMMUNICATE EXPECTATIONS Although this may seem like an obvious suggestion, openly communicating our needs and feelings can be incredibly difficult, even with a loved one. This is especially true if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t game. “Partners shouldn’t assume they immediately know how much gaming is too much,” says life coach and behavioural psychology expert, Justin Gasparovic.

As someone who plays video games both for pleasure and as part of my job, it would be unfair of me to assume my partner is comfortable with the time I spend gaming. Consequently, I try to check in regularly to make sure the hours I’m playing aren’t negatively impacting him, or causing concern.

ENJOY A SHARED ACTIVITY For some, video gaming is a shared activity with their partner. However, it’s also important to spend time together away from gaming, so that you can connect on a deeper level without your consoles acting as a distraction. Although it’s healthy for partners to enjoy and pursue separate activities, it’s also important that quality time together isn’t sacrificed or diminished in favour of someone’s hobbies. The activity you choose is up to you – it could be as simple as sitting down and talking to one another – the main thing is to be present.

relationships

THE GOAL IS BALANCE, ENSURING GAMING ENHANCES, AND DOES NOT DETRACT FROM OTHER LIFE PRIORITIES

communication alongside a supportive attitude; these tips work in tandem, not separately.

DISCUSS AND SET BOUNDARIES This is an important tip regardless of your relationship situation. Boundaries, whether agreed upon with a partner or decided by yourself, are a good way to watch for signs of video gaming abuse and/or addiction. I don’t wish to feed into any negativity about video games, however, the truth is that addiction to the medium is possible and very real for some people. By working with a loved one to set boundaries, they can support you in becoming more aware of any possible issues arising from too much gaming.

SET TIME LIMITS

BE SUPPORTIVE I understand completely if video gaming isn’t of interest to you. After all, we don’t need to enjoy all our partner’s interests for the relationship to work. That being said, being supportive of your partner is vital. As Justin points out: “Critiquing a partner’s gaming can quickly

be seen as criticising them.” As someone who lives with borderline personality disorder, I have had moments like this, when I’ve taken my partner’s words about my gaming the wrong way, perceiving it as an attack when it’s simply intended as an observation. This brings us back to the importance of

I appreciate that setting time limits sounds drastic, but as someone who’s easily lost a whole day to playing Stardew Valley, sometimes you need to be stern with yourself. This is especially important if you need to focus on other tasks. One option might be to set a timer on your phone or, if you’re really struggling to adhere to an allotted time, download a time management app. These types of apps can temporarily ‘lock you out’ of certain programmes or sites, which is particularly handy for those of you who game on your PC and/or mobile. As Justin reaffirms: “Overall, the goal is balance, ensuring gaming enhances and does not detract from other life priorities.” Game on! happiful.com | Issue 83 | 77

‘Happiful: Finding What Works’ is returning for season two We’re thrilled to announce that season two of our podcast, hosted by Kat Nicholls, will be back very soon, talking to experts, and those with lived experience, about a range of topics including fear, the way we process emotions, and empowerment. • In-depth conversations • Signature ‘exhale’ episodes • Put your learning into practice

Make sure you’re following us wherever you get your podcasts (plus catch up on season one if you haven’t already!), and sign up to our awardwinning, free newsletter at happiful.com to be the first to know about the launch of season two.

Take 5

Focus on the here and now with these brain teasers

Kakuros

Complete the grids so that the numbers in each row and column add up to the values at the edge. You can use the digits one to nine, but remember that each one can only be used once in each sum! Watch out – these can be tricky!

How di do? V d you isit ‘Freeb ies’ se the ction shop. o h to fin appiful.co n d the m answ e and m rs, ore!

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Speaking up For introverts, public speaking and taking part in meetings can be nerve-racking. But these tips could be a game-changer Writing | Victoria Stokes

magine you’re in a meeting and you have a great idea to contribute. You briefly consider sharing it but, just as you expected, nerves get the better of you, and you resolve to stay quiet. You’ve never been great at speaking up in front of others. Maybe it’s the thought of delivering a presentation or a big speech that makes your heart race and your palms sweat. You’ve always considered yourself an introvert, and the thought of standing up in front of others makes you quiver. Firstly, know this: public speaking (glossophobia) is a very common fear – one that even seemingly super-confident people struggle with. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Graduate Medical Education found that the phobia affects between 15% and 30% of people. So, if the thought of speaking up makes

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you want to bolt, you certainly aren’t alone. Psychologist and professional coach Dr Samantha Madhosingh says what you’re really afraid of is the possibility of saying the wrong thing, perhaps forgetting what you want to say, or not being listened to. “At the root of this is the fear of being rejected or humiliated in some way by speaking up or speaking out,” she explains. “This can be an issue for anyone who believes that what they have to say isn’t important, or that they aren’t smart enough to make a valuable contribution, but it can be extra challenging for introverts who don’t like being the centre of attention.” In fact, it can be the catalyst for a cocktail of fear-based emotions. “You’re not just dealing with anxiety and nervousness, you might also feel dread (expecting something terrible to happen),

panic (the escalation of anxiety that feels overpowering), insecurity (lack of confidence in yourself), or overwhelm (feeling like you might drown in your fear),” Samantha points out. Shame is another emotion that can rear its head, particularly if you’re someone who feels deeply flawed or unworthy of attention. “If you feel this way and you are in the spotlight, you may fear you will be ‘found out’ and exposed as a fraud,” Samantha surmises. The more intensely you feel fear and anxiety, the more likely you are to have a fight-or-flight response; a reaction that happens when we’re faced with something terrifying and must either fight or flee. “The brain cannot distinguish between real, imminent, physical danger, and the emotional risk that comes with putting yourself in uncomfortable growth situations, and so the >>>

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happiful.com | Issue 83 | 81

At the root of this is the fear of being rejected or humiliated in some way fight-or-flight response tells you that speaking in public is as dangerous as being chased by a lion,” Samantha explains. Finding your voice If you’ve often found yourself tongue-tied when speaking in front of a group, battling a metaphorical lion that threatens to overpower you, it can be hard to imagine ever standing up before an audience and saying what you want to say with confidence – but it can be done! The first thing you need to do is get your fight-or-flight response in check. Deep breaths are an easy way to do this, and box-breathing is a popular technique that calms the parasympathetic nervous system when it’s on high alert. Simply breathe in for four counts, hold your breath for four, exhale while counting to four, and repeat until you feel calm. Samantha’s pro tip? “With each long exhale, say ‘ahhhhh’. This helps loosen up your throat so your voice sounds normal.” Shifting that nasty voice in your head that keeps shouting: “You can’t do this!” is a key confidencebuilding technique, too. For this, Samantha recommends 82 | Issue 83 | happiful.com

repeating affirmations that make you feel your bravest and most powerful self. A few of her favourites include: I can do this; my contribution is important; my voice matters, and I have the power to inspire others; I am well-prepared and know my material inside out; every presentation is an opportunity to learn and grow. Pick one or two that work for you, and try repeating them in the lead-up to your next meeting or presentation. You’ve no doubt heard the phrase that practice makes perfect. That undoubtedly goes for public speaking, too. If you’ve got a big presentation to make or a speech to deliver, consider practising it in front of a mirror, over and over again. You might be surprised at how confident you look and sound. “Use this exercise as an opportunity to listen to your voice and observe your body language to see what needs tweaking for improvement,” Samantha advises. “Your facial expressions, tone of voice, rate of speech, and the gestures you use, all matter.” If you just want to feel a little less nervous about speaking up in

a meeting, practise speaking up in groups of people you’re already comfortable around. It can serve as a valuable reminder that you’re already a great communicator, and that speaking up in front of colleagues, peers, and board members isn’t all that different to conversing with your mates. If you’re still feeling nervous – and remember it’s normal to – Samantha offers these words of encouragement: “Be kind to yourself and know that fear is a reaction and courage is a decision. Even the most seasoned professional speakers feel nervous and anxious right before a speaking event. But, they don’t let that fear stop them. They find tools to manage that anxiety and nervousness, and they keep practising.” So go on, shake off those nerves, take a great big deep breath, and say what you have to say. We promise that, once you’ve done it a few times, it won’t seem nearly as terrifying.

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

ive The transformat our ing power of design lives around nature

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WAYS TO RELAX ing (There’s someth for everyone)

GAME ON Hidden ns emotio talk about

Level up gaming habits in your relationship

It's time to rage postpartum

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