Happiful Issue 79 by Happiful

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Shout-out to my ex (best friend)

ISSUE 79 £5.99

Lifting the fog

Why depression could be making you more forgetful

Closing the book on a BFF

Say it with

feeling Unleash your inner poet and let words lead the way

SELF-ACCEPTANCE

COME RAIN OR SHINE

Why it’s time to embrace the emotional seasons of our lives

9 772514

373017

HAPPIFUL.COM | £5.99

BREATHWORK | VISIBLE DIFFERENCES | ECO-LIVING

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur LEO TOLSTOY Photograph | Mokhalad Musavi

Authentic insights The goal is to be happy all the time, right? To feel our cheeks ache because we never stop smiling. To forget what it means to be bored or sad, because life is one long, exciting ride. Well, actually, no…

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

The outside world might make it seem like the picture-perfect, conflict-free life is not only attainable, but what we should all strive for. And it can make us feel even more guilty, demotivated, or ashamed, when it seems like we’re a million miles away from that.

One powerful way to truly understand what you’re going through is to explore creative emotional releases – such as with poetry (p54). Or it could be acknowledging your subconscious desires through an outlet like tarot (p32).

Alternatively, it could be about taking stock of where you are personally, and recognising the array of emotions created by those unique challenges But what if it didn’t? What if we rejected you face. From the way stability can be the ‘highlight reel’ perspective of the scary for those with mood disorders world, and instead accepted that there is (p73), to the frustration at forgetfulness a whole spectrum of emotions – which caused by depression impacting your all hold value and intrigue – and it’s OK to relationships (p25). wander through them. That happiness isn’t an end destination, and that our What ever your emotional landscape feelings ebb and flow as we explore life. looks like right now, and whether you are navigating a treacherous path and This concept is summed up by worried about your footing, or soaking emotional wintering (p16), which in a serene spectacle from a perfect encourages you to give yourself a vantage point, know that you’ll never break, and not feel pressured to move stop growing and evolving. The scene will past what you’re truly feeling in order change, and that’s OK. to ‘seem happy’ before you’re ready. Instead, allow yourself to sit in your So, be brave, be compassionate, but feelings, for them to exist, and to know above all else, be authentic. Your feelings that one day, spring will arrive. are your own, and they are valid. It’s this range of emotions that truly allows us to appreciate the variety of Happy reading, the human experience. Joyful memories provide hope in the midst of challenging times. Stressful periods make us grateful for the calm. Grief and pain mirror how REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF deeply we loved.

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

Lifelong learning 12 What is ‘therapy speak’? And why do we need to be cautious when bringing it into the mainstream?

16 Hunkering down Learn about the concept of emotional wintering, and take care this season

37 Ruby Wax The comedian and advocate shares her top five life lessons

43 6 myths about sober life Debunking common misconceptions

54 Poetic licence Why poetry can be a tool for good

PRINT EXCLUSIVE 83 This is your space... To unleash your creative freedom and explore your potential

Positive pointers 20 4 lessons from Down Under What can Melbourne teach us about eco-living?

28 Your charity shop guide Discover the joys of second-hand shopping with our essential tips

32 Ready to try tarot? 69 5 cash-savers 76 Sunset serenity Early evenings have their benefits

79 Feeling free? Your guide to going freelance

16 Culture

7 Good news 11 The wellbeing wrap 51 You’ve gotta read these 58 Time to try something new

Food & health

Try this at home

52 Expand your horizons A Ukrainian-inspired recipe to keep

15 You are more than...

you warm in the colder months

64 Codebreaker time

65 Double your dopamine

68 Signs things are one-sided

Natural ways to feel good

82 Affirmations for confidence

Wellbeing 25 Can you remember? Investigating the link between depression and memory loss

40 Take a deep breath Start your breathwork journey today with some valuable insight

61 Talking about stammers How to support a child with a stammer

70 Visibly different Our expert columnist shares advice for dealing with visible differences

73 Staying stable Why periods of stability aren’t always easy for those with mood disorders

Relationships 22 Have a fear of rejection? Here’s how to overcome it when making new friends

34 30 first date questions Go deeper with these prompts

Expert review Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively. It’s very positive that, as a society, we are becoming more aware of our mental health, and have a better understanding of the language used to explain how we feel. However, there is a danger that incorrect words are used – leading to misunderstanding, and dilution of meaning. Head over to p12 to explore this truth further, with guidance on how you can approach the matter healthily. The dilution of meaning is a risk, as it impacts the view of society, and could lead to mental health issues being taken less seriously. Your mental health is important.

46 When BFFs breakup

Columnist Michelle Elman on how to handle a friendship fallout

48 Being there for others Ways to support a friend with bipolar

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

ELIZABETH DUNNE

ELMER POSTLE

MA DSFH

BA BCST SPB PBT

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.

Elmer is a biodynamic craniosacral and breathwork practitioner and teacher.

Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS Laura Stevenson, Katie Conibear, Adrianne Webster, Gemma Calvert, Luke Clark, Jenna Farmer, Katie Conibear, Kerry Law, Fiona Fletcher Reid

NARINDER SHEENA

LAURA SEMMENS

LLB NLP CPC DISC

DIPNT MBANT CNHC

Narinder is an energy leadership and wellbeing coach.

Laura is a nutritional therapist and educator who specialises in sleep support and gut health.

SPECIAL THANKS Elmer Postle, Laura Semmens, Maria Cross, Narinder Sheena, Siobhan Butt

MANAGEMENT Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

MARIA CROSS

SIOBHAN BUTT

MSC MBANT MCNHC

BSc MBACP

Maria is a nutritionist with a special interest in diet and mental health.

Siobhan is a therapist specialising in relationships and pregnancy crisis.

Join the Happiful Expert Panel

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

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The Uplift SCIENCE

The power of hobbies to reduce depression Embracing leisure activities and our passions may be the key to reducing symptoms of depression, according to a survey conducted by University College London. Scientists not only found that a hobby was better than social interaction for easing symptoms, but those with depression who have a hobby have a 272% higher chance of recovery. Featuring 8,780 participants over the age of 50, researchers looked at the impact of hobbies on depression. Over the course of 13 years, they found that hobbies can improve symptoms and reduce depression risk by 30%. While further research is necessary to better understand the relationship between hobbies and socialising, and how this affects depression, the university has said that hobbies could be used as a ‘social prescription’ for people with moderate symptoms of depression. Interestingly, the

study found that both group and solitary hobbies can be beneficial. So, it’s really a case of finding a hobby that fits in with your lifestyle, whether that’s artistic, physical, or something that stretches the mind. As children, life is one long hobby – playing football, baking cookies, practising an instrument, creating a masterpiece with glitter, or

riding a bike felt joyful – but as adults, we may have forgotten how to be playful. A hobby is a warm, safe space to escape everyday stresses, but as life feels so busy, where do we find the time? Getting clear about the benefits is the ticket. This may just spark an old passion or kick start a new one. It’s never too late to start a new adventure. Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg happiful.com | Issue 79 | 7

Marion Cleak celebrating her 75th birthday with a ‘Love Island’ themed party

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COMMUNITY

Heads turn as care home resident celebrates birthday with ‘Love Island’ party If you’re one of the many Love Island fans missing the long sizzling days of pulling someone for a chat and finding your type on paper, fear not, as Marion Cleak, a resident at CHD Living’s Brownscombe Care Residences in Haslemere, kept the full villa experience going by celebrating her 75th birthday with colourful decorations, neon lights, and Love Island themed games. Heads were most definitely turned as local firefighters even put in a special appearance to sing ‘Happy Birthday’, complete with sirens and fire engines, in tribute to the Firefighter Challenge in the 2018 series. Sipping from her personalised champagne glass, Marion said: “I’m such a big Love Island fan, so it was brilliant of the team to make this the theme for my party. What a day!” Proving that life in a care home can be filled with fun and fulfilment, Brownscombe Care Residences’ wellbeing co-ordinator, Charlotte Wareham, commented: “While the team wanted to plan a great birthday treat, we also wanted to highlight that life doesn’t stop being fun simply because someone goes into care.” Cherished by the other residents and party guests, Marion won hearts with her warm personality, sense of fun, and wonderful sense of humour. Happy birthday, Marion! Writing | Samantha Redgrave-Hogg happiful.com | Issue 79 | 9

WELLBEING

The soft toy revolution for adults is here If you go down to the woods today, you’ll never believe your eyes – that’s on account of some new data that suggests that we may be at the centre of a teddy bear revolution. According to the latest data from Ryman, the demand for Squishmallows – a popular soft toy – has skyrocketed by an astounding 8,711% in onsite searches, while sales have increased by 53% this year, and a recent phenomenon called ‘kidulting’ could explain why. Kidulting is a growing trend in which adults are embracing

activities typically associated with the young, such as playing video games and investing in cuddly toys. It’s easy to see the appeal, but why are so many adults finding comfort and solace in this nostalgic trend? Life as an adult is wonderful, but it also comes with its challenges – and being able to embrace our inner child can help us to find respite from anxieties or pressures in our day-to-day lives. These toys can often hold a sentimental value, reminding us of our cherished childhood

memories and evoking a sense of comfort and security in the things that made us smile as a child, and continue to do so. If you find yourself unable to switch off or slow down from the hustle and bustle, it might be time that you started embracing this wellness revolution, just as so many adults are. Start with re-reading your favourite childhood books, or gather a group of friends to play a game of tag. Whatever it is, go ahead and unleash your inner ‘kidult’. Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

COST OF LIVING

‘Ticket Bank’ launches to make culture accessible for all When times are tough, money is tight, and the budget barely covers the essentials – as is the case for so many affected by the cost of living crisis – splashing out on live music, sport, comedy, or theatre is, sadly, not a priority. But, Tickets for Good has other ideas. A company that provides NHS and charity workers with free and heavily discounted tickets to live events, Tickets for Good has recently launched a new programme to open up the opportunity to many more. Now, anyone who has received the UK Government cost of living payments is also eligible 10 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

to sign up to ‘The Ticket Bank’ platform for free. Members then pay just a £3.95 booking fee for the free or discounted tickets – with a huge range of options on offer, which previously included gigs for Dua Lipa, Billie Eilish, and Idles, as well as festivals like Parklife. Breaking free of routines and feeling excited by culture and performances, is something that can be hugely beneficial for our wellbeing, and making sure that people are still able to access that during difficult times is a core pillar of the scheme. “Life’s best moments shouldn’t be reserved for those who can afford it,” says Jack Neville, Tickets

For Good’s director of ticketing and growth. “Our mission is to make amazing shared experiences accessible to everyone, from hilarious comedy shows and mesmerising music gigs to the thrill of taking the family to a match day. We’re launching our Ticket Bank to help democratise the arts.” To find out more, visit ticketsforgood.org Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

The

wellbeing wrap

RETURN TO THE WILD

The Royal British Legion has gone eco-friendly with plastic-free Remembrance Day poppies made from recycled paper and coffee cups

With only 18,000 southern white rhinos believed to be alive today, this ‘near threatened subspecies’ received welcome news when conservation group African Parks raised funds to buy 2,000 of them back from the world’s largest captive rhino breeding operation, based in South Africa. It plans to release all the animals back into the wild over the next 10 years, ensuring they are in secure and managed areas, to protect them from poachers.

Just keep swimming...

What is thought to be the world’s only spotless giraffe was born in Brights Zoo, Tennessee, this year

Queen’s iconic Live Aid 1985 set has been named the greatest music festival performance of all time

UK government is set to ban disposable vapes, in a bid to prevent youngsters becoming addicted

Sophie Etheridge, from Cambridgeshire, recently achieved the amazing feat of swimming the Channel with just her arms, to raise awareness of the Swimming Teachers Association campaign for swimmers with disabilities. Having fibromyalgia and complex regional pain syndrome, leaving her in permanent pain and with limited mobility, Sophie completed the gruelling 48km swim in 29 hours and four minutes. The endeavour also raised funds to provide free training for teachers to become disabled swimming specialists, supporting improved accessibility for the sport.

New research, published in the journal Gut, offers fresh insight into Parkinson’s disease. The study reviewed the medical records of 25,000 Parkinson’s patients, and found that having your appendix removed meant you were 52% less likely to develop the disease – suggesting it could originate in the organ. Researchers also discovered that patients with constipation and IBS were twice as likely to develop Parkinson’s, as those without these symptoms. It certainly appears to be a strong signal of the importance of the gut-brain connection.

ALWAYS READ THE SMALL PRINT In an innovative move, the NHS has paired up with Morrisons to encourage us all to be more aware of our bodies, via our underwear. They’ve added messages to the labels in undies reminding people to watch for lumps and bumps, and get checked out by their GP, all in aid of spreading awareness of breast and testicular cancer. The packaging even features QR codes to take customers to more detailed information on the NHS website. Whoever came up with this idea was definitely a smarty-pants.

Random acts of kindness will always be all the rage, and one mysterious stranger is spreading smiles in Calne, Wiltshire. ‘Miss Busy’ has pulled together handmade packages of small books, cards, and messages, to leave on popular walking routes around town, as surprising moments of delight for passers-by. A little kindness goes a long way.

Tesco is also making headlines with the trial of its ‘Recycle to Read’ scheme, in association with not-forprofit environmental education company, Wastebuster, and backed by Hasbro. Encouraging rehoming first, select stores will collect unwanted or broken plastic toys to be recycled, with donations registered to earn Planet Care Points for local schools. The scheme will include all schools in a weekly prize draw for book bundles, and reward the 50 highest-scoring ones with book vouchers from a £5,000 prize pot!

A ray of sunshine

What does that make you think of? Perhaps 80 acres of sunflowers stretching as far as the eye can see? Well, that’s exactly what Kansas farmer Lee Wilson created when he planted roughly 1.2 million sunflowers to surprise his wife, Renee, for their 50th wedding anniversary. And they say romance is dead!

BRUSH UP ON THE BARD

Shakespeare fans prepare to find yourselves dotage (blindly in love) with the release of a new 900page encyclopedia on 20,000 of the Bard’s words and phrases – explaining ‘earkissing’ (whispering) and geck (fool). But at an eye-watering price of £400, you may prefer to embrace the fun and complexity of language yourself online, as all his works are in the public domain (free!).

What is therapy speak (and is it doing more harm than good)?

Is the language we use around mental health becoming diluted, and starting to lose all meaning? Or are we misusing helpful terms without realising it? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

ringing mental health into mainstream conversation has certainly seen progress in recent years, with more and more people recognising how speaking up and sharing how we feel, and what we are going through, is good for us – and often, those around us. Research published in the Community Mental Health Journal actually found that sharing our experiences makes us more willing to seek help when we are struggling, more aware of where we should look for that help, and more likely to encourage others to seek support when we see them struggling. So, what’s the impact of adopting terms used in therapy as part of our collective vocabulary? Shouldn’t having specific words we all know, understand, and can use, be beneficial all around?

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What is therapy speak?

Therapy speak, also referred to as therapy dialogue, is a term used for the language previously reserved for the therapy room, that’s seeped into our everyday lives. Talking about setting healthy boundaries, joking about coping mechanisms, calling out toxic, trauma-dumping behaviours, or highlighting when we’re left to do all the emotional labour, can all be examples of ways therapy-related terms have made it into the mainstream. But… isn’t that a good thing? Just like we’ve all learned a little more about mental health and wellbeing, isn’t knowing the right language to talk about these things great, too? Honestly, that depends on the context. When everything starts being called a red flag, every friend’s bad day is seen as ignoring our boundaries or being toxic, slightly differing

memories of an event get called out as gaslighting, and everyone who doesn’t put our needs first is called a narcissist, it can be a sign that – just maybe – we aren’t all fully understanding the phrases we’re using. And over time? This can lead to certain words, phrases, and explanations feeling like they are losing their meaning.

Why has therapy speak become more mainstream?

With the growing openmindedness in terms of seeking support, therapy is no longer seen as a last resort when you hit rock bottom. More young people and men have begun seeking therapy, according to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, while NHS England saw 1.24 million referrals for Improved Access to Psychological Therapies (ITAP) services in 2021–22 – an increase

lifelong learning

from 1.02 million in 2020–21. Counselling Directory alone saw 24 million users accessing information about mental health and wellbeing between 2017–22, suggesting more and more of us are ready to start looking for information on how we can put our mental health first. As we start to feel more comfortable talking about our mental health, it should come as no surprise that more of us are encountering words previously reserved for the therapy room. Even mainstream sources of

entertainment and news are starting to include these kinds of terms to draw us in and keep our eyes focused firmly on what they have to say about the latest industry buzzwords. Our increased use of therapyrelated terms can also be seen as more of us wanting to better understand ourselves, our experiences, and our situations, through shared language and terms we can (almost) all understand. But sometimes, that language can get a little bit lost in translation. We can start to take

hyperbole literally. And, despite our well-meaning intentions, we can unintentionally start to see words losing some of their impact.

Can using therapy speak be problematic?

Therapy speak in itself isn’t a bad thing; it can give us a shared language to better understand ourselves, our life experiences, and our situations. But sometimes, when words get misused or misconstrued over time, it can be a problem – for us, >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 13

and for those whom the original language was intended to help. For example, we’ve all come to learn that the phrase ‘everyone’s a little bit OCD’ isn’t acceptable – or helpful. It’s something that people used to like to say jokingly, or as a way to relate to each other, or even to explain what they saw as ‘quirks’. But thanks to people with lived experiences with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), as well as mental health experts and leading mental health charities speaking out, we’ve collectively come to understand why using the diagnosis – and people’s experiences – with OCD can be reductive, unhelpful, and sometimes outright harmful for those living with OCD. Misusing the term can lead to misinformation (people misunderstanding what OCD is, how serious it can be, or normalising behaviours that are actually signs that they need help), and a general perception that ‘it isn’t that bad’ if everyone has some level of experience with it. We’re seeing similar conversations around neurodivergence right now, with many people struggling to see the problems it can cause when we think of ‘everyone as a little bit neurodivergent’. This can end up leading to people who need extra support being refused accommodations, facing a lack of understanding, and having to put in additional time and effort into educating others about neurodivergence and neurotypicality. While people may try to relate from a well-meaning place, or with the 14 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

intention of being comforting by saying we’re all not that different, it ends up ignoring or minimising the negative impact that everyday systems – built for the majority of people, who aren’t neurodivergent or experiencing mental ill-health – can have. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t ever use therapy speak. If you find it helpful to apply to yourself, your lived experiences, or to explain how you are feeling, it can be a great starting point to find out more about where you can get the right kind of help and support, as well as what kinds of coping mechanisms or strategies could be good to try. But it’s also important to remember that there’s a difference between a diagnosis and an opinion.

Can therapy speak be helpful?

Keeping therapy terms in our everyday conversations (both on and offline) can still be really helpful, as the more we talk about therapy and our lived experiences, the more people can understand and (hopefully) be helped by accessing and using this language themselves, too. We just need to be sure that we’re using terms in the right way, in the right situations, and without being reductive of others’ experiences.

Finding the right help for you

Reading up about these concepts from therapy speak, understanding them, and using them in our day-to-day lives, might be helpful for some of us

We just need to be sure that we’re using terms in the right way, in the right situations, and without being reductive of others’ experiences – but it isn’t a replacement for a clinical diagnosis, or for support from qualified professionals and medical experts. It’s also important to remember that you don’t need a specific problem to start therapy. Working with a therapist can be, well, a therapeutic experience in and of itself. Counselling provides a safe, judgement-free, confidential space where you can open up, and explore general feelings of worry, discontent, concerns, or even life goals. There doesn’t have to be one ‘big problem’ or catalyst event to ‘justify’ you going to therapy. Happy people also go to therapy. Not everyone knows exactly what they want to talk to a therapist about, or have a clear pathway towards what they want to ‘get out of therapy’ – and that’s OK. And if you want to take that language outside of the therapy room, that’s fine! Just be careful you’re using terms as they’re intended.

Anxiety is more

OCD is more

Depression is

than feeling

than focusing on

more than

worried

cleanliness

feeling sad

Schizophrenia

Bipolar is

PTSD is

is more than

more than

hearing voices

mood swings

flashbacks

Mental health is more than mental illness… happiful.com | Issue 79 | 15

Embracing emotional wintering Our feelings change like the seasons, so treat them in the same way… Hunker down when the chill wind blows, and prepare yourself for the coming spring Writing | Laura Stevenson

16 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

lifelong learning

hen the seasons change, we know that we have to change our behaviour to keep ourselves safe and warm. As the long summer evenings are ushered away by blustery, autumnal afternoons, we know that winter is on its way. There are clues to the changing seasons all around us as lush, verdant greens are replaced with golds and ambers. As the trees shed their leaves and frosts creep in, we prepare our homes and ourselves for the winter months. Soup season beckons; thick socks, heavy knits, and cosy blankets are brought out, and swimwear lies forgotten in a drawer. Beer gardens are replaced by log fires, salads with roasts, and beach days with bonfires. We are so used to the changing seasons that we learn to look forward to different elements in all of them. ‘Emotional wintering’ teaches us to afford our own emotional seasons the same respect that we do the changing meteorological

‘Emotional wintering’ teaches us to afford our own emotional seasons the same respect that we do the changing meteorological landscape landscape. It asks us to see our difficult or uncomfortable feelings as winters which we can prepare for, live through, and emerge from, ready for the spring which will be there to meet us on the other side. Were we to expect to always live in our emotional summers, laughing, joyful, and upbeat all the time, no matter what was happening around us, we would find our other seasons more difficult to endure. When we allow ourselves to fully experience our difficult feelings, we can see the

purposes they serve, and grow from challenging experiences. Emotional wintering encourages us to prepare ourselves to face difficult times and uncomfortable feelings, in a similar way to how we prepare to get through the cold months of winter. There is no point in pretending the seasons will not change as we are surrounded by evidence of their shifts. We also know that each season is necessary. Autumn and winter allow for rest, time to recuperate, and take stock. Naked trees which look dead are far from it. They are building up their reserves, but not wasting their precious, limited energy on producing new growth, which would be damaged by icy frost, ferocious winds, or torrential downpours. Emotional wintering asks us to change our habits, expectations of ourselves, and nourish ourselves appropriately, to get through difficult times. This process gives us the space to explore the full range of emotions that makes us >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 17

It would not be normal to feel wonderful all the time human, and allows us to safely sit with a feeling, in relative comfort, until it passes. The phrase ‘emotional wintering’ was popularised by Katharine May in her celebrated 2020 work Wintering. In this gently powerful memoir, Katharine examines some of the ancient processes humans have embraced and undergone during trying times or turbulent periods. She explores the importance of allowing ourselves time to “retreat, to care for and repair ourselves” during what she calls “the fallow periods of life”, reviews how different cultures deal with these spells, and looks for ways we can use them to improve our own emotional winters. Sometimes our emotional winters are triggered by an event; something happens to us that makes us feel as though we want to withdraw into ourselves. At other times we can simply exhaust our supplies of positivity, and need to take time to replenish them while accepting that we are sad. 18 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

Whatever the cause of a specific challenging time, emotional wintering encourages us to allow this space for recuperation. It is an acceptance that our emotional seasons are cyclical and normal; it encourages us to accept all of our feelings and manage them as best we can, rather than trying to resist or control them. Difficult emotions come to all of us; we will all be sad, angry, and sometimes feel hopeless. When we try to control our emotions, we can prolong these challenging spells. We can’t control the actions of others or the world around us, and we can’t control our own emotional responses to things that happen. But we can prepare for them by giving ourselves space to process, feel, and evolve from emotionally difficult times. We can allow uncomfortable feelings to run their course in a manageable way, by altering our expectations of ourselves for a little while. We can cope better with periods of sadness and unhappiness by reducing expectations of ourselves. While some tasks are essential, like going to work in order to pay the bills, there are lots of ways in which we can reduce the other burdens we put on ourselves.

Firstly, we need to take time to listen to our bodies: when you are tired, sleep; if you are weary, rest; when you are hungry, eat. Rejecting social engagements is a powerful way of advocating for ourselves while we are feeling low. Any event which makes us feel as though we need to pretend to be happy when we are not, can be incredibly draining; when our reserves are in short supply, it’s important to keep them for where they’re needed most. If there is a celebration that you feel obligated to attend, think about offering an alternative – meeting trusted friends for a walk, or a daytime chat, is less pressured and can be mentally beneficial. Choosing to move away from social media in favour of time outside is also helpful. While wintering, we are not looking to actively boost our mood, but rather allowing time for challenging feelings to pass. However, it is important to not engage in activities which make us actively feel worse, and social media can be a particular problem here. Encouraging either feelings of inadequacy brought about by comparison, or the toxically positive message that we should always be

lifelong learning

presenting a cheerful image, regardless of how we feel, are at complete odds with wintering, and will serve to prolong tricky feelings. Asking for help is important. If somebody else can help with family commitments – cooking an evening meal or picking up some shopping – please let them. The more space we have away from the mental load of day-to-day life, the easier it will be for our minds to recover from the challenges they’re facing. Nothing bad will happen if the vacuuming or dusting isn’t done for a few days. Lower your expectations of yourself. Just because you would

normally be able to manage an extra commitment at work or school doesn’t mean you should at this time. Step back from anything which puts unnecessary pressure on you, and focus on rest instead. If you are in a position to be able to take a break from your usual surroundings, this can be really helpful. A short break away from home can help your brain and body to accept that expectations are different, and encourages you to rest and recharge. If your sadness is affecting you physically, or you feel unable to cope, please seek medical advice from your GP.

Despite the images social media bombards us with suggesting otherwise, it would not be normal to feel wonderful all the time. Our emotions change like the seasons, and, like the changing seasons, we need to change our expectations of ourselves and behaviours, to make sure we are well by the time the next summer rolls around.

Laura Stevenson has more than a decade of experience working in mental health and education, and is now director of inclusivity and wellbeing at an inner-city secondary school. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 19

4 sustainability lessons from Down Under

What do we have to learn from the world’s most sustainable city? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

ustainability is a subject on a lot of our minds in recent years, and for good reason. In the face of the climate crisis, sustainable living is a solution that we can all get involved with, in whatever capacity we’re able to. Consumers have a lot of power, but fast and major change will often need to come from governing bodies. With that in mind, the Sustainable Travel Index for 2023, based on data from Euromonitor International, sought to highlight the most sustainable cities around the world. Using 56 different factors as part of the calculation, Europe came out on top, taking up 19 of the top 20 spots. But, when all was said and done, the most sustainable destination was Melbourne, Australia. So, what can we learn from this city Down Under?

Renewable energy sources In 2019, Melbourne became the first city in Australia to ensure all of its council-owned infrastructure – including libraries, gyms, childcare centres and other council buildings – was powered by 100% renewable energy. Interestingly, this move was, in part, funded by another eco-endeavour, when 12,000 20 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

of the city’s street lamps were upgraded to LED lights, which cut the council’s power bill by $1 million a year. Fast forward to 2021, the state of Victoria powered its electricity grid with 50% renewable energy, made up of wind, solar, and hydroelectric power. Way ahead of its target of reaching 50% in 2030 – it seems the sky’s the limit!

Carbon neutral events As the first organisation to have an event portfolio which is certified ‘Carbon Neutral’ through the Australian Government’s Climate Active Program, tourists and city-dwellers alike can enjoy culture in the city knowing that it’s having minimal impact on the environment. In 2018, Melbourne Fashion Week was the first fashion festival to receive this classification. It was powered by 100% renewable energy, reused catwalk and set pieces, reduced the amount of red meat in catering, and promoted the use of public transport for guests. Another example is the 2019 Melbourne Music Week, which was also powered by 100% renewable energy, and managed to divert 87% of waste away from landfill by introducing a reusable cup scheme.

Creating an Urban Forest Noting the ways that climate change will pose challenges to the City of Melbourne, one way that the city plans to combat this is by creating an urban forest, which will play a critical role in maintaining the livability of Melbourne in the future. The goal is to increase canopy cover from 22% to 40% by 2050, while also increasing forest diversity – with no more than 5% of one tree species, no more than 10% of one genus, and no more than 20% of any one tree family. It’s hoped that the urban forest will help adapt the city to the impact of climate change, mitigating the ‘urban heat island’ effect by bringing down inner-city temperatures, creating a healthier ecosystem – and, importantly, engaging the whole community.

The 1,200 Buildings scheme When it comes to creating a sustainable city, figuring out what to do about inefficient, older buildings can be a bump in the road. But Melbourne has an answer. Since 2010, more than 540 commercial office buildings across the city have been retrofitted to improve energy and water efficiency.

positive pointers

It was estimated that if 1,200 buildings in Melbourne followed suit and retrofitted their properties with energy-efficient technology, the consequential greenhouse gas savings would help the city achieve its carbon-neutral goal – thus, the ‘1,200 Buildings’ programme

was created. All owners and managers of commercial buildings in the city are eligible to join the programme, and benefit from support and information on how to make the change while becoming part of a movement to create a sustainable future.

Do you feel inspired by what you’ve read here? Doing the small things each day does add up, but there are also other ways that you can inspire change on a much larger scale. Your first step should be to visit your local council’s page, and see if you can find information on what actions it may already be taking. Are there any schemes that you can get involved in, or others that you may want to spread the word about to the people you know? Once you have an idea of what’s already happening, you can now start to think about what you may want to change, or suggest ideas or improvements. Your local council, and your local MP, are there to represent you, and so writing to them is a democratic exercise that can have a real impact. To find the contact details for your local and national politicians, visit writetothem.com, and simply enter your postcode into the search. You will then be given the details for your district councillors, county councillor, and MP – you will also see an option to write to the House of Lords. From there, it’s over to you. Take that passion for a better world, and make it count. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 21

Making friends: how to overcome the fear of rejection If you’re longing for connection but struggling to take that first step, we have some tips for you Writing | Kat Nicholls

here are two women in my Pilates class who I enjoy chatting with at the start of each session. I’ve often felt we should try taking our friendship off the mat and into a coffee shop, but something always holds me back. What I’ve come to realise is that the culprit is my fear of rejection. I’m scared they’ll look at me horrified, say no, and laugh as they walk away. I’m scared we’ll go for coffee and each stare into our cups hoping the dark abyss will provide topics for conversation. These fears may sound silly, but they’re also understandable. Social rejection is a fear that’s inbuilt in us humans. To stay safe back in our caveman days, we needed the protection of the tribe. Being cast out by them meant certain peril. Some of us can even look to more recent history, remembering times we were bullied or left out at school – a sting that refuses to subside. What can we do then, when we know we want to make new friends and connect with people, but fear of rejection is holding

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us back? Here are some ideas to consider.

Fear can show our values The first thing that can be helpful for us to remember is that when we’re worried about something, it’s often because we care about it. If you’re nervous about asking a new connection if they’d like to meet up, you likely value friendship a lot. This is a positive thing and something to be proud of. As tempting as it may be to berate yourself about these worries, reflect on the flip side of this. Self-compassion goes a long way in building confidence, especially when it comes to relationships.

If you see a chance for connection, they likely do to Unless you plan to walk up to total strangers on the street and ask them to be buddies, chances are you’re planning on asking a connection you already know if they want to take things a step further. You probably talk a little already (either online or inperson) and feel like the two of you may get on.

If you have this feeling, then it’s likely they feel the same way. In fact, they might be thinking about asking you exactly the same thing. It may just take a little bravery to be the first one to make the suggestion.

Be open about the awkwardness Making new friends is an awful lot like dating, and sometimes it helps to acknowledge that. Being upfront about the fact that you’re a little nervous about asking them out on a ‘friend date’ can help to break the ice and lighten the mood. And hey, starting a friendship on an honest note is always a good thing, right?

Allow for busy schedules Once you have bitten the bullet and asked your connection ‘out’, allow for some wiggle room in the scheduling process. As adults, something that can hold us back from spending time with others is our busy lives. Your connection may be happy you initiated the idea of meeting up, but right now they may be in the midst of a little one starting school, a virus

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that won’t go away, or caring responsibilities for a parent. Don’t be disheartened if the date set is a little further in the future than planned. Try to allow the timeline of your new friendship to flex and bend with both of your needs.

Build on your common ground If you’re worried you won’t have anything to talk about when

you do meet, focus on building up from the common ground you already have. For example, you may live in the same town, attend the same Pilates class, or like the same coffee shop. Start here and let your curiosity guide you – what do they do outside of Pilates? Have they always lived here? What other coffee shops do they rate? The beautiful thing about new connections is that we

If this has got you thinking more about connection and friendship, be sure to listen to our recent podcast episode, ‘Friendship: Finding What Works’. Speaking to a counselling psychologist and one of my oldest friends, we explore the importance of friendships, making new friends, maintaining them, setting boundaries, and what to do when it’s time to end one. Search for ‘Happiful: Finding What Works’ wherever you get your podcasts. only know a snippet of them. When we meet intentionally, we can pull back and get a fuller picture. You may notice other commonalities between the two of you, or differences that pique your interest. Either way, there will be plenty to explore and talk about. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 23

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am. I am. I am SLYVIA PLATH

Photograph | Howen

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wellbeing

Is depression making me forgetful? Research has found a link between depression and memory loss. So, what can you do to address it, and what are the signs that you should reach out for help? Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

e all know that depression affects the way that we think and feel, but what you may not be aware of is the way that it can impact our memory. A foggy brain, forgetfulness, confusion, along with difficulty focusing, making decisions, and retaining information, are all things that can come hand-in-hand with depression. In 2013, a study published in Behavioural Brain Research gave 98 participants a memory task, which required them to identify objects on a screen that were identical, or similar, to an object they had previously seen. What the researchers observed was that participants with depression struggled with the task, and were unable to do so successfully. Many similar studies have explored the link between depression and memory loss, and a 2018 analysis of previous research, published in Psychological Medicine, confirmed this robust link. With that in mind, memory loss is something that many people

living with depression may be affected by. Despite that, it’s not as widely recognised by broader society as it should be – particularly considering the evidence that shows how the more severe the depression, the more severe the memory loss that can accompany it. And memory loss is an important thing to talk about because of the ways that it can affect more than just our progress on our to-do list. It can interfere with our relationships with others and our success at work. It can impact self-care and health-related activities, lead to feelings of isolation, affect our self-esteem, and make carrying out daily activities even more difficult than they can already be. So, what do you need to know about it?

Depression affects brain structure

There is a link between depression and changes in brain structure and function, which includes changes in the

prefrontal cortex, hippocampus, and amygdala – regions that play a role in cognitive executive function, which includes things like planning, decision-making, and emotion processing. Because these regions are all linked via neural circuits, when one region is impacted, so are the others, which is what can lead to impaired cognitive function, ergo, memory loss and forgetfulness during periods of depression. But, before we go any further, it’s important to note that there can be other causes for memory loss – from vitamin deficiencies to Alzheimer’s disease. Forgetfulness, which includes forgetting facts over time, being absent-minded, forgetting minor details, or misplacing things, are examples of common ways you may be affected. But memory problems that impair your daily life, including getting lost in familiar places, misplacing objects in unusual places, or regularly forgetting things you were just told, are signs you should speak to your GP. >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 25

Forgetfulness and relationships Forgetfulness can sometimes put a strain on the relationships in your life, as it can be misinterpreted as a lack of care about whatever it is you may have forgotten. This can be the case in romantic partnerships, friendships, and workplace relationships, too. You may find that others become frustrated with you, or begin to doubt your ability or dedication – all of which can add another level of pressure during an already difficult time. So, if you think that you may be experiencing some memory loss associated with depression, the best thing to do is to speak to the people in your life about it. This way, they’ll understand that you’re not forgetting things because you don’t care about them, and you can then work together to create strategies for coping – such as calendar reminders, check-ins, and scheduling.

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wellbeing

Memory loss is something that many people living with depression may be affected by How to deal with memory loss and depression Often having a dual function of easing depression and lowmood, at the same time as improving working memory, there are some steps you can take to address the memory loss that can accompany depression.

Exercise

According to 2015 research published in the journal European Neuropsychopharmacology, exercise has been shown to help with depression-associated memory loss. Aerobic exercise – such as a brisk walk, running, swimming, or cycling – has previously been associated with increases in both white and grey matter volume in the frontal and temporal cortical regions of the brain. The 2015 study looked at those with major depressive disorder who reported cognitive impairment, and found that exercise improved their spatial working memory (the ability to keep track of where things are), psychomotor speed (the ability to maintain information over a brief period of time),

visuospatial memory (the ability to spot patterns and keep track of moving objects), and executive function.

vitamins and folic acids through eating leafy greens, and vitamin D from sunlight.

Diet and supplements

A 2018 systematic review, published in Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, showed that talking therapies had been found to increase activation in the prefrontal cortex – which links to brain responsiveness and flexibility, things which can improve our cognitive ability. But, what’s more, talking therapies can also help you deal with some of the emotions that you may feel around memory loss and forgetfulness, and help you to develop selfcompassionate strategies while moving forward with other tools.

As mentioned, forgetfulness and depression can be symptoms of vitamin deficiencies. Supplements, therefore, can make a difference to memory loss during depression – although it’s a good idea to confirm any suspected deficiencies with your GP before starting to take new supplements, particularly if you take other medication. Vitamin B deficiency can affect your memory function, while also influencing depressive symptoms. Folic acid helps the body make healthy red blood cells and, combined with antidepressants, has been found to relieve some symptoms of depression. Likewise, vitamin D has been associated with mood disorders and depression. You can make sure you’re getting these vitamins by taking supplements in the form of tablets, chewable gummies, or supplement drinks. But you can also get them naturally – B

Talking therapies

If all of this is sounding familiar, the important thing to keep in mind is that you’re not alone in what you’re experiencing with depression impacting memory. Speak to the people in your life about what you’re going through, and cut yourself some slack if you drop the ball every now and then. With time, and support, there are things you can do to feel more like yourself again. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 27

The ultimate guide to

charity shopping From tips for spotting the signs of good quality clothes to unique uses for everyday items, we’ve put together everything you need to know for shopping success Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

n numbers shared by the Charity Retail Association, income from charity shops rose by more than 15% in the first quarter of 2023, as compared with the same period last year. Charity shops are seeing a bit of a boom, and it makes complete sense. The cost of living crisis is having a tangible impact on our expendable income. Let’s face it, when energy bills are through the roof, splashing out on non-essentials feels, well, nonessential. What’s more, a lot of us are having a hard think about how we can make our shopping more sustainable. And the obvious answer to both those scenarios is: charity shops. But, so much more than just a last resort, charity shops can be a gold mine for unique, high-quality items. Here, we’ve put together everything you need to know in order to get the most out of your thrifting trip.

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Forget about brands

When it comes to picking up high-quality clothing, a good skill is the ability to look past brand labels and assess the quality of fabric and construction for yourself. This is particularly helpful when charity shopping, when you’ll likely pick up clothing from brands you haven’t heard of before. So, how can you tell what’s worth its weight, and what’s not going to hold up? Here are some key quality markers to consider: • Take a look at the seams (where two pieces of fabric are joined together). Give them a light tug, the kind of pressure they may come under from normal movement. Do the stitches strain, and the fabric pieces part or warp? Or do the seams hold firm? Ideally, the piece will fall into the latter category. Next, take a closer look at the stitching itself. Manufacturers who care

about quality will take the time to make sure construction is neat. Are the stitches straight and even? Or are they wonky, with loose threads? • Consider the fabric quality. You’ll usually find this sewn onto an inside seam, it’s the label with the washing symbols on, and it will also tell you what fabric the item is made from. Synthetic fabrics, such as polyester, nylon, viscose (sometimes called rayon), and acrylic are usually used for lower-quality clothing, and come with a hefty carbon footprint. When buying secondhand, this is less of a problem, as you’re reusing the fabric in a sustainable way – however, synthetic fabrics are cheap to produce, and so tend to be used for lower-quality garments. If it’s durability you’re after, keep an eye out for linen, silk, cotton, and 100% wool.

positive pointers

• Test the sheerness. Excluding any particularly slinky numbers, clothing that is unintentionally sheer is usually a sign of poor quality. Just place your hand inside the garment – can you see it? Different fabrics have different characteristics but, generally speaking, the higher the thread count (and, therefore, the less sheer), the higher the quality. >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 29

It’s time to get over snobbery around gifting presents sourced from charity shops A guide to gifting

Whether it be for Christmas, birthdays, or ‘just because’ – it’s time to get over snobbery around gifting presents sourced from charity shops. Items that make particularly good gifts are hardback books, glassware sets, decorative ornaments, and jewellery. Plus, in the run-up to Christmas, a lot of charity shops will start putting donated gifting sets on the shelves (think toiletry sets, unworn cosy socks, and candles), specifically to be regifted. If you’re struggling with ideas, you could also try putting together a themed hamper. Does your giftee have a hobby or interest they love? For example, if they’re a reader, you could pick up a couple of books, a scented candle, and a lovely mug – setting them up for a cosy day reading. And while we’re talking about hampers, you’ll often find wicker items in charity shops. These can be very expensive to buy new, but secondhand make affordable vessels for gifts, or great presents in and of themselves. 30 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

For future hobbyists

It’s often lamented that hobbying is expensive but, the secret is, it doesn’t have to be that way. Reams of yarn, knitting needles, jam-making kits, baking supplies, sports equipment, shelves of cookbooks, gardening tools, and plenty fit for upcycling – you’ll often stumble on ‘hobby graveyards’ in charity shops. But it’s great news if you’ve ever been curious about trying something different. If you’re new to a hobby, picking up the things you need from a charity shop is a low-cost first step, which can help you avoid sinking a lot of money into something if you find out that your passion fades over time. And if that happens, you can just re-donate it, like the person who came before you.

Creative uses

When you don’t know what you’re going to find on the shelves, but you’re in need of something specific, you may have to think creatively about what you pick up. For example, say you’re

in need of a new toothbrush holder – could a quirky mug or a wide top decorative vase be a good alternative? Tea cups hung on their sides make for sweet birdfeeders. Scarves can go around your neck, in your hair, or through belt loops. Jugs can be utensil holders, tea towels can be sewn into patchwork tablecloths, tablecloths into cupboard curtains, old book spines can be turned into bookmarks, vintage suitcases can be toy boxes, and pretty much anything can be a plant pot. More examples from my own home include: a vintage decorative plate with a print of Cicely Mary Barker’s flower fairies on, for keeping house keys; a tiny wicker basket shaped like a goose for holding flossing sticks in the bathroom; and a heavy bottomed tagine, used in place of a Dutch oven for baking bread. So, be flexible and creative with your ‘lookout list’. The result will be ingenious solutions, and wonderful moments of whimsy around your house, making it a unique space full of treasures.

positive pointers

The result will be ingenious solutions, and wonderful moments of whimsy around your house A word to the wise

When faced with all that’s weird and wonderful, beware of falling into the trap of impulse buying when in charity shops. Though easily done, this defeats the purpose of choosing charity shops as a sustainable and money-savvy option. What’s more, charity shops have a dual function. They, of course, raise money for charities, but they also make the items they sell accessible to those on a very limited budget. So, if you see something wonderful, or being sold at a bargain price (particularly if it’s a necessity, such as children’s clothing, cookware, or bedding) – but it’s not something that you need right now, take a second to appreciate that feeling of having found an absolute steal, and then leave it for the right person to discover. Charity shopping can be a total joy. So grab your reusable bags, open up your mind, and enter into the trove of treasures that awaits you. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 31

5 ways tarot can help you discover what you really want in life Tarot cards can be used as a therapeutic tool to help you tune-in to your gut feelings, so where should you start? Writing | Adrianne Webster

e all know that frustrating feeling when you have a big decision to make, or you’re experiencing a lack of direction in life in general, and you just don’t know what the right answer is. Do you up-end your whole life and jump in with both feet, or keep moving along as you are right now? Change can be scary, and it’s easy to stagnate before making a decision that could completely change the course of your life. This is where tarot cards could come in handy… Tarot cards are esoteric divination cards that have been used in Europe since the 14th century to deliver guidance and advice, and they could be a handy

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

tool today. Here are some ways they can help you if you’re looking for answers…

Tarot can help you reflect on your true desires When you’re at a crossroads in your life and you don’t know the right path to take, tarot can be a helpful tool allowing you to tunein and find out the answer you actually want deep down. “If you’re open to advice on an issue, then tarot can be a tool that leads you back to your own inner guidance,” explains Chandler Ford, one of the co-creators of Dvn8, an iOS tarot app. Your gut reaction to the cards you pull can help you realise what your true goals are, and give you

the guidance you need to work towards them.

They can help you accept life’s ups and downs It can be hard to accept some situations in life, especially ones like the deaths of loved ones, loss of jobs or possessions, and a general lack of direction. But tarot can help you accept the tough times – and celebrate the good – as well as pointing you in the right direction. “The cards could remind you that every ending necessarily involves a new beginning,” agrees Chandler. “Using tarot in this way becomes less about fortunetelling and more about probing your subconscious.”

How to use the cards As mentioned, there’s no right or wrong way, and it’s entirely personal to yourself. To break it down simply, the standard tarot deck contains the same system of four suits of cards numbered one through 10, along with four court cards per suit. They can be shuffled and ‘pulled’ to deliver responses to specific questions. “Tarot also contains an additional 22 cards, called the Major Arcana, which can be thought of as ‘archetypal’ cards,” Chandler explains. So, what do they mean? “Each card has a general quality. For example, The Sun card typically symbolises the ego.” There are some key cards that symbolise positive transformation, such as The Wheel of Fortune, Death (not necessarily a card of doom), and Temperance, and how the cards are presented when you turn them over – upright or in reverse – can change the messages the cards are communicating.

It doesn’t have to be serious Don’t stress if tarot cards seem confusing – it’s all about having fun with them, and allowing your inner child to play. “Give yourself the space to make mistakes, to be bad at something that you enjoy, and to grow,” recommends Chandler. And you can’t really get tarot wrong, so it’s the perfect way to enjoy yourself – especially if you’re stressed about a big decision, says Chandler: “It’s up to you to figure out how the cards speak to you and how you like to read. Learning anything new involves trial and error.”

Tarot can be an essential part of your self-care routine When I lost my job through redundancy, I found myself gravitating towards a deck of tarot cards I’d been gifted, not really knowing what I was

Your gut reaction to the cards you pull can help you realise what your true goals are doing, but enjoying the fun and the validation when the cards ‘confirmed’ what I’d already been feeling about my situation. Tarot can feel like an essential piece of self-care at a time when the world is overwhelming. And, as Chandler says: “Tarot can be a rich tool for self-reflection when you’re clear about your intentions, and acknowledge that you’re in the driver’s seat.”

happiful.com | Issue 79 | 33

30 questions to ask S on a first date

From uncovering what really makes them tick to evaluating whether you’re a good match, take your date to the next level with these conversation starters Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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weaty palms, butterflies in your stomach, and a racing heart – first dates can be anxiety-inducing things. The date might be a moment you’ve both been building up to for a while, or it could be the first time you’re meeting in person – either way, you want to make a good impression. All this comes together for the perfect storm of jitters

relationships

1. What made you decide to begin dating?

2. What’s something important I should know about you?

3. What do you look for in a partner?

4. What were you like as a child?

5. Have you achieved any dreams?

6. What’s the best lesson you’ve ever been taught? and second-guessing. But one thing that can make all those nervous feelings go away is easy, enjoyable, natural conversation. Dates are all about getting to know each other – finding out about the person they are, uncovering their passions and their values, and deciding whether or not you would make the perfect pair. You want to leave them with a good

impression of you, and you want to be impressed by them, too. So, when you stumble across topics that lead to a deeper connection, it’s the key to uncovering where this date could take you next. To help you on your journey to finding true love, we’ve put together 30 first-date questions, guaranteed to help you learn more about the person in front of you.

7. Where do you find happiness in your life?

8. Do you believe that opposites attract?

9. Would you describe yourself as career-focused? >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 35

10. What’s your relationship with your family like?

11. What would you say your core values are?

12. What’s on your bucket list?

13. Have you had a pivotal moment in your life, where you changed course?

14. What are your ‘green flags’ in a relationship?

15. What are your ‘red flags’?

16. Do you think you have changed much in the past five years?

17. What do you think makes a successful partnership?

18. Who do you admire?

19. What would you say is your best quality?

20. What are you passionate about?

21. How do you handle confrontation? 36 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

Keep it flowing Once the conversation gets going, keep it flowing with these tips: • Ask follow-up questions. For example, if the question is, ‘Who do you admire?’, you can ask precisely what it is they admire about them, whether they feel influenced by them, and how they emulate this in their own life. • Engage in active listening. If you’re feeling nervous, it can sometimes be difficult to focus on what someone is saying, as your mind is already trying to grapple for the next thing to say. But try to stay present, and really listen to them speak. Feedback with non-verbal cues, such as nodding or humming, and ask clarifying questions that summarise what they’re saying, such as: ‘So you say you admire your brother because of his resilience, do you feel that attitude rubs off on you, too?’ • Find their passion points. You can, of course, ask directly what they’re passionate about, but there are also more subtle ways of telling when someone is talking about something they really care about. Take a look at their body language – are they gesturing a lot, looking focused, and speaking in a louder voice? This is the perfect time to go off-script and pursue a line of conversation that’s naturally creating sparks. You may even find yourself nodding along and uncovering a new passion of your own!

22. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned recently?

23. How important are friendships in your life?

24. What song captures your personality?

25. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?

26. What are you working on right now?

27. Would you describe yourself as romantic?

28. What makes you laugh?

29. What place do you love to visit time and again?

30. What makes you a good partner?

lifelong learning

Life lessons with

Ruby Wax

After a series of life-changing journeys exploring the world in a search for meaning over the course of 2022, Ruby Wax’s greatest insights came in the form of self-discovery, and gaining a deeper understanding of her own mind. Here, she reveals five of the most profound… Writing | Gemma Calvert

“

’m good! I’ve just got ABBA tickets! We all yearn for something,” smiles Ruby Wax, moments after our video call connects. It’s Monday morning and the comedian, author, and mental health campaigner is at home in London, buzzing after scoring tickets to ABBA Voyage, the ground-breaking concert reuniting all four ABBA members virtually. These days, Ruby’s life is a neverending cycle of “working my ass off” and reward. Ticking through her bucket list, she invests heavily in hunting down life-enhancing experiences. Her latest book and live stage show, I’m Not As Well As I Thought I Was, documents a journey she took to find meaning, peace, and happiness through a series of experiences spanning the corners of the globe, and how, last spring, she endured her first

major battle with depression in 12 years, spending five weeks in a London mental institution. Always evolving, Ruby – who has a master’s degree in mindfulnessbased cognitive therapy from Oxford University, plus an OBE for services to mental health – reveals five of the biggest lessons she has learned on her voyage of mental health discovery…

There’s a difference between mental illness and being frazzled. If you’re feeling low or overwhelmed, don’t feel tempted to say you have depression, because depression has nothing to do with being frazzled. Depression is in the genes. It has nothing to do with a situation. It’s a disease, just like diabetes or cancer. Understanding this has helped me to forgive myself for [having]

depression. I no longer see it as a flaw or being self-indulgent. When the monster lands again, it’s not because of anything I’ve done. I had a troubled childhood growing up in Illinois with my parents. My father and mother, refugees who fled Austria in 1938, had mental disorders. Tragically, it wasn’t diagnosed. If they had received anti-depressants, I might have had a less violent childhood. When I went to the Dominican Republic to swim with migrating humpback whales, it was an encounter with a group of healers on the boat that really took my breath away. On the last day, I experienced a terrible toothache. One of the healers placed her hand on my head and whispered, “Thank mama.” She added, “Your mother did the best she could.” I’m not a person that believes in healers, but my toothache went away. Go figure. >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 37

Images | Ruby Wax

Knowing that your mind is more expansive than your thoughts is liberating, because you become aware of thoughts, rather than being at their mercy Thoughts aren’t facts I don’t always feel like doing it, but I’ve practised mindfulness for 45 minutes daily for 15 years, welcoming thoughts but without judgement. And I feel the results. While other people might get distracted, I can sustain that onepointed focus for hours. They get tired, I keep going. Last year, I spent a month at a silent retreat at Spirit Rock in 38 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

the USA, and after two weeks my thoughts started to calm down. With a clearer mind, I could taste food without being distracted or feeling tempted to start a conversation. The biggest lessons I took home were that thoughts aren’t facts, and they come and go of their own volition. Knowing that your mind is more expansive than your thoughts is liberating, because you

become aware of thoughts, rather than being at their mercy. While mindfulness doesn’t get rid of negative thoughts, it just makes us forgive ourselves for having them. I still have insecurities, but when I think ‘I’m a fraud, I’m a failure, and I don’t deserve success,’ I know these are recordings from my dysfunctional childhood, and nothing to do with the present.

lifelong learning

Reinvention is everything When I became fascinated with neuroscience, miraculously I got myself into Oxford University to study Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy. The other students on the course were really not impressed that I’d had a career in television. A lot had gone to Harvard, and one guy was a geneticist, and I sensed they thought I was at the lower end of the market. That was how I felt at high school – an outcast, trying to figure out how to become part of the tribe. But nobody on the course was as fascinated by neuroscience as I was, so I became extremely studious, and once I started asking incisive questions, I began to earn my classmates’ respect. In my life, I’ve always reinvented. Most recently since my last episode of depression last spring and a spell in a mental hospital. In the past, I was a slave driver to myself until I’d burn out and become frazzled. I now work to play and reward myself when I’ve worked hard. Earlier this year I went on a pilgrimage to Japan, and in August after rehearsing my

play and running a retreat in Yorkshire, I went cycling on the Amalfi Coast. I’m all too aware that we get one chance at life!

Ruby Wax’s ‘I’m Not As Well as I Thought I Was’ tour kicks off this September, through to November. Tickets available via LiveNation.co.uk

All people want is to be heard

The brain can change.

Seven years ago, I launched my Frazzled Cafes where people who are feeling overwhelmed meet to talk and share personal stories in a safe environment. When somebody speaks their truth, you see little heart emojis and heads nodding as if to say, ‘Me too’. That person will feel such relief that they’re not alone, that people care, and that they feel heard. I’ve learned from running the cafes, that’s all people want. Talking is half the cure. When somebody comes up to me on the street or when I’m signing books and says something like: ‘My brother completed suicide’ or ‘I feel so depressed, I can’t function’, I give them my full attention. I stay with them for as long as it takes them to feel a little better. To be honest, I’m not always the nicest person. I sometimes manipulate people, and I’ve got a big ego, but all that stops when somebody tells me something so personal.

The brain is a moveable feast. You can break unhelpful, negative mental habits, and create more positive, uplifting ones. The brain is made up of about 86 billion neurons, making trillions of synaptic connections, continuously changing partners based on our moment-to-moment thoughts and experiences. If you are cruel and spiteful, you’ll become an expert at getting even crueller and more spiteful. If you practise being compassionate, you’ll become more compassionate. The way we think or feel determines our wiring and what chemicals are coursing through our veins. If you’re thinking or feeling agitated or angry, you’re pumping adrenaline and cortisol. Mindfulness can break unhelpful habits of thinking, and create new ones. You can teach an old or young dog new tricks. We need to exercise the brain to do this. It won’t happen with wishful thinking. Become the driver not the driven. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 39

Ask the experts

How can I benefit from breathwork practice? Craniosacral and breathwork therapist Elmer Postle answers your questions on breathwork. Learn more on the Therapy Directory.

What is breathwork and why is it so powerful?

‘Breathwork’ is a term that covers therapeutic approaches of using the breath to intentionally help restore health. When we are alive, we are breathing; it is a core expression of health. Deepening the breath intentionally is to

decide to get closer to how that aspect is working in our physical, emotional, and spiritual systems. With the breath being central to our survival, when we have been challenged in our living, through experiencing trauma or diminishment, these events are connected to our breath. Consequently, when we

intentionally breathe, connecting ourselves to this great big global expression of health provided by the trees, aspects of our lives that need healing may put up their hand and say: “Me now!” As such, the skill and support of the therapist, and the intention behind the deepening of the breath, is key to the experience being a healing one.

Dansby says. We are part of a universal expression of life and health. Intentionally connecting with it – allowing the air into our bodies – restates this universal health in our system. It supports a reorienting to health we may have forgotten or got lost in. In this way, pretty much any ailment

or misalignment, illness, or condition can be supported towards health in some way through conscious attention to the breath. This may be a profound healing of a physical matter, or we change our minds about how we take care of ourselves – one which makes all the difference.

Q What can breathwork help with?

We all breathe the same air. The air a jaguar in Guatemala breathes is the air we breathe as we wake and put the kettle on. Breathing connects us to ‘all that lives and all that breathes’, as my teacher and colleague Binnie A

Therapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Elmer’s top tips for those new to breathwork

Q Can anyone do breathwork?

“Anyone” is doing a version of ‘breathwork’ all the time. Breathing helps us regulate our systems continually. Intending to breathe in a therapeutic context is one of the many forms of breathwork, including the SOURCE process. This breathwork model, with the breath into the upper chest, is about integrating affirmations of safety and support. If our source beliefs about life, learned when we took our first breath, state the world isn’t safe or we’re not supported, then we can

tend to see and make this the case. Integrating affirmations of safety and support creates choice in our response to experiences. Some people may be afraid to explore this. What the breath connects us with may be a miserable, painful, difficult, or choice-less experience: “Why would I go there again?” Having support is critical as we parent ourselves into our next stage of growth, so it’s vital to find the right teacher or practitioner. Our breathwork practice is a dialling-up of a local regulation – ‘one body’ moving into a relationship with a bigger expression of health.

1. The choice of working with the breath is worth researching. Because you are working with profound issues, finding someone who has demonstrably been where you are interested in going is essential. 2. Take it steady and make sure you are supported. It’s more important to have a sense of agency and achievement in your engagement of breathwork practices than it is to have a big experience you are left alone to make sense of. 3. It is often the community around you that makes the difference in how breathwork works for you. Integrating these experiences means being around people who are safe with you being who you are at a deeper level. 4. Intention is key. It’s worth the time and effort to get clear on what you want to work with each time you breathe. Affirmations that can accompany breathwork are central to helping us change lifediminishing beliefs, and embrace greater wellbeing.

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lifelong learning

NO DRY SPELL SEPARATING FACT FROM FICTION WHEN IT COMES TO LIVING ALCOHOL-FREE It’s time to shatter some stigmas as we break down six myths and misconceptions about going sober Writing | Luke Clark

o, you’ve decided to give up or cut back on the booze? Or, at least, you must be thinking about it, right? Well, just know that you’re in good company. According to charity Drinkaware, in 2019, 20% of UK adults didn’t drink alcohol, while research from Eurostat suggests that across Europe, the number could be as high as 26%. You’ll also know that the consumption of alcohol is often a staple in our everyday lives, and a hot topic of conversation. From the ‘Fancy a pint after work?’ to the ‘Shall we do a bottomless brunch at the weekend?’, beer, wine, cocktails, and bubbly form a massive part of our social activity. So, when you remove the key component from those occasions, what happens? Well, keep reading to find out, because although some of the stereotypes of going zero percent hold some truth, most are completely inaccurate.

MYTH: YOU HAVE LESS FUN WHEN YOU’RE NOT DRINKING Remember the first ever time you thought: ‘Woah, that’s fun!’? No, me neither. We were most probably in single digits, and what made us feel that way would have been something so simple, like playing a game with a friend at nursery, blowing bubbles into the air then chasing to pop them, or a fond memory at school like sports day. Funnily enough, none of those enjoyable memories involved alcohol. Fast-forward 10 to 15 years, and many ‘fun’ activities come with a side of Tequila Rose shots, espresso martinis, and pints of session IPA. But why is that? Why do we need that ‘buzz’ that comes with drinking alcohol to enjoy live music, watch your favourite sports team, or generally hang with your mates? What I’m trying to say is: when you’re not drinking, you get to choose exactly what you want to do, and when you want to do it. You don’t have to stay out because Sofia’s bought a round of sambucas at 2am, or >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 43

THERE’S A WHOLE WORLD OF NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES WAITING TO BE EXPLORED when Ben’s gone back to the bar for another bottle of Desperados. You can hop in the car and drive home safely. But you can still have fun. You don’t need Disaronno to dance, or a Sol to socialise. But you do get to find out all of that juicy gossip from those around you – because if you’ve been intoxicated before, you’ll know that you’re slightly more looselipped! And the next day, you can get up as fresh as a daisy. Result.

MYTH: NOT DRINKING IS BORING One of the most common misconceptions about choosing a sober lifestyle is that you’re going to live a dull and uneventful existence. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that without 44 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

alcohol, life will lose its fun spark. I hate to break it to you, but you’re sort of right. Sure, the first few times you decline a drink might feel a bit awkward, and you might wonder how to navigate social situations without that familiar liquidy crutch. But guess what? As you get more comfortable with your decision, you’ll discover that life is far from boring. Think about it: all those activities you used to do while under the influence – dancing, going to concerts, attending parties – can be just as enjoyable, if not more so, without alcohol. In fact, you’ll likely find that you’re more present and engaged in the moment. When you’re not preoccupied with maintaining a certain level of intoxication, you’re free to fully experience

and remember every precious moment. The world around you becomes clearer, and you’ll appreciate the subtleties you might have missed before. And that’s definitely not boring.

MYTH: YOU GET LEFT OUT OF SOCIAL PLANS, OR CONVERSATIONS, WHEN YOU’RE OUT The fear of missing out on social activities and conversations can be a huge concern for those considering sobriety. The worry is that without a drink in hand, you’ll somehow become an outsider in your own social circle. But here’s the reality: while there might be a period where you get used to a slightly different social calendar without alcohol, you won’t be excluded or left out.

lifelong learning

experiences can be a barrier to choosing sobriety. So, consider this: when you’re not consumed by the effects of alcohol, you’re more likely to remember those special occasions. Your memories won’t be clouded by the fog of intoxication. Instead of relying on alcohol to create memories, you’ll rely on genuine interactions and the joy of the moment itself. Whether it’s a birthday, a wedding, or a holiday, your presence and engagement will be your most valuable contributions to these events. And the bonus? There won’t be any more embarrassing moments or regrettable actions from drinking too much.

MYTH: EVERYONE WILL THINK I’M WEIRD In fact, not drinking might open up doors to new friendships and hobbies. People who are genuinely interested in getting to know you won’t mind that you don’t drink alcohol. And remember, the best conversations often happen when you’re fully engaged and clear-headed. So, you likely find yourself involved in more meaningful interactions. And, just remember, your choice of drink doesn’t define you.

MYTH: SPECIAL OCCASIONS AREN’T AS MEMORABLE WITHOUT A DRINK It’s easy to link celebratory moments with a champagne flute in hand, clinking glasses and toasting your loved ones. The fear of missing out on these

The fear of being perceived as the odd one out for not drinking is normal. Society often associates drinking with social norms, and stepping outside of these ‘normal’ circumstances can feel uncomfortable. However, it’s important to remember that your choices are about your own wellbeing and priorities, not about conforming to others’ expectations. While some people might express surprise initially, most will respect your decision once they understand your reasons. In fact, you inspire others to reconsider their own relationship with alcohol. You’ve made, or are making, a big decision by giving up alcohol, and you’ll know the reason why. Being true to yourself and your values is far more important than conforming to perceived social norms.

MYTH: YOU’RE GOING TO BE STUCK DRINKING SOFT DRINKS AND TAP WATER There’s so much to do in life. Different countries to visit. Different cuisines to try. And that extends to your drink choices, too. Choosing sobriety doesn’t mean you’re limited to sipping on still or sparkling water for the rest of your days. There’s a whole world of non-alcoholic beverages waiting to be explored. Mocktails, beers, spirits, cider, wine, and many creative alcoholfree concoctions can be just as satisfying and enjoyable as their alcoholic counterparts. Plus, with the growing trend of alcoholfree drinks, you’ll find that your options are expanding all the time. Things have moved on drastically since the days of Becks Blue. So, fear not – you won’t be stuck with bland drink choices. The journey towards an alcoholfree life is about embracing positive change and personal growth. It’s about discovering your true self, experiencing life to the full, and building authentic connections. While there might be challenges and misconceptions to overcome, the rewards are well worth it. So, if you’re on the fence or already considering a sober lifestyle, remember you’re not alone. Why not give it a go? There’s nothing to lose, but so much to gain. Luke Clark is an award-winning mental health podcaster and the host of ‘The Stress Sessions’. Follow him on Instagram @stresssessions happiful.com | Issue 79 | 45

How to handle a friendship break-up Navigating the emotional turmoil at the end of a platonic relationship, with our columnist Michelle Elman

was watching Oprah interviewing Michelle Obama recently, when Oprah asked how her friendships have survived the White House, and Michelle said something really poetic in response. She said that it’s like climbing a mountain, and some lost oxygen and couldn’t make the climb. It really resonated with how I’ve felt about some of my friendships, to such an extent that I actually paused the interview to let it soak in. Oprah then asked how she communicated that, and she responded saying that’s what slow ghosting is for. I deeply respect Oprah and Michelle Obama, but this is where they lost me. It strikes me as so peculiar that even if we do it ourselves, we can all agree that ghosting is wrong in romantic situations, and yet when it comes to friendships, the way in which it was said was so normalised, with not even a hint of guilt in sight.

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As a society, I understand why this is the case. We have very odd ideas around friendship, like that it should be effortless. If a romantic couple said they were going to therapy together, it would be understandable, but if you even suggested it with a friend, it would sound really odd. Instead, we talk about how true friends are the ones that we don’t have to make any effort with, we can drop out of contact with for months, and we will pick up where we left off, as if nothing had happened. I disagree. If you treat your friends as disposable, and make no effort, don’t be surprised when you get no effort back. We treat friendships like second tier relationships in respect to romantic ones, and therefore it is unsurprising we have higher standards for ending a romantic situation than a platonic one. I am of the belief that you should never ghost anyone, but especially not your friends! If they have been

there for you over the course of your life, no matter how short a span, they deserve an explanation. If you had respect for them at some point, then they deserve an ending with respect, too. I understand it is an uncomfortable conversation to have, but if you don’t appreciate being ghosted, then you need to communicate in the way you would want to be communicated with. This is not the time to list all their faults and everything wrong with them – you don’t even need to go into detail about why you want to end the friendship. You just need to tell them it’s over. If you are unsure, turn it into a discussion, set some boundaries, and see if they respect them and if the situation improves. But if you are certain you don’t want them in your life anymore, you just need to break it to them. Sometimes an event can happen where your trust was broken, and you feel that you can’t rebuild it, and, in some cases, it is just a

@MICHELLELELMAN

If you treat your friends as disposable, and make no effort, don’t be surprised when you get no effort back

matter of growing apart. Whatever your reasoning is, remember that when you have been ghosted in the past, you would rather have known why. And what if you are on the receiving end of a friendship breakup? Well, that can suck too. The first thing you need to recognise is that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to be your friend, and some of the closure you are seeking might not come from your friend ending it. If you have questions about what went wrong, when things changed, or whether there is any room for a discussion, then absolutely communicate that, but

when communicating it, lower your expectations, as you might not get the answer you want. A big part of moving on is accepting that you can’t change the situation, and to close the door properly; so that means no social media stalking to further your pain, or late night texts when you feel sad and are missing your friend. Take a moment to reflect on your friendship and notice all the things you might have missed in the moment, and all the things that you will learn from this break up, and take into your other friendships. It might also be useful to write down a list of characteristics and

traits you are looking for in new friends, and then it’s time to give yourself a chance to heal. Let it hurt. It is awful when any relationship ends, and often feelings of grief will arise around the loss. You are allowed to feel that. Give yourself as much time as needed, and then remember you only want relationships in your life where they reciprocate, and if someone has left your life, it creates more room for someone new to enter.

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman happiful.com | Issue 79 | 47

How to support a friend with bipolar disorder

Being there for a friend can often feel like the natural thing to do. But there are some things you may want to consider to ensure you’re on the right track Writing | Katie Conibear

’ve had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder since 2012. It’s been a long journey, and I’m still learning more about the condition. But my friends have been on the ride along with me, and we’ve had to learn together how they can best support me. So, for those who find themselves in a similar position to my friends, I’ve put together what I believe helps – and a little about what doesn’t – when you’re supporting a friend with bipolar disorder.

Learn their triggers and warning signs

Talking to your loved one about their triggers for an episode, and warning signs that one is about to happen, can help you to help them. Triggers vary from stress to difficulty sleeping, insomnia, or physical illness. Keep an eye out for significant events happening in their life, and talk to them if they’re feeling overwhelmed. Ask them about their warning signs so you know what to watch out for. For instance, for me, warning signs of a manic episode include sleeping less, spending 48 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

more, fast speech, and having much more energy than usual.

Listen to them

Genuine, active listening can be your superpower. Hearing what someone has told you means you can validate their feelings, and make them feel less alone. Ask questions to get more information rather than assuming you understand. Instead, repeat back what they’ve told you in your own words, so they can tell you’ve heard. Don’t make it about you and your own experiences. Listen and show empathy by showing interest in what they tell you through your words and body language. If you can offer your support and listen free of judgement, your loved one with bipolar disorder will trust you more, and will be more likely to open up if they’re struggling in the future. Listening and empathising with someone’s situation doesn’t mean you have to get it. You don’t have to have been through the same thing to be supportive. Listening attentively can be a powerful tool.

Learn more about bipolar disorder

From my own experience, it can be incredibly draining to explain every little detail about how bipolar impacts my life. It shouldn’t be up to your loved one to answer every single question you have. If you can show you’re committed to learning more, it will show you respect, love, and support them. A great place to start is Bipolar UK (bipolaruk.org), which has tons of information about the illness. It also runs support groups in the community and has an e-community on its website.

Offer to help practically

Practical help can be just as vital as listening. For instance, someone knowing their place is a mess can make them feel guilty and worthless. They might need help shopping for groceries or essentials, or help to tidy their home or room. That said, it’s important not to take over and do everything. It can make them feel guilty and like a burden. Try to share out the workload if you can, or offer to do something they absolutely can’t face.

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Expert credit

Listening and empathising with someone’s situation doesn’t mean you have to get it If you’re worried about a loved one, encourage them to seek help. This could be through their GP, psychiatrist, or community mental health team. You could offer to take them to appointments and attend with their consent. Attending

appointments can help in several ways: you can provide support; you may have insights into their behaviour they do not; they may have trouble remembering what’s been said; and you can help them make decisions about their care or advocate on their behalf.

Make a plan in advance

Before an episode of mania starts, make a plan together. They’ll be more in control and be able to look objectively at previous episodes of mania and depression. Decide together what will help them, and what support and help

they want when seriously ill. Write down your decisions, and keep them safe until needed. Help them stick to healthy routines. Ensuring they have regular meals and a sleep routine will either help keep them well, or be in a healthier place when the mania or depression ends. Lastly, it’s OK to find it difficult! It’s OK to be angry with them if they’re offensive and rude during a manic episode. It’s OK to be upset and frustrated when they’re depressed. Make sure you care for yourself, so you’re in a better place to support them. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 49

“Mind is a flexible mirror, adjust it, to see a better world AMIT RAY, MINDFULNESS LIVING IN THE MOMENT

Photograph | Ludovica Dri

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Happiful reads... From a Japanese bestseller to recipes for the humble loaf, we share four books that you’ll want to get stuck into this month Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

orgiveness can be a challenging endeavour, whether it involves mending a broken friendship or healing wounds caused by trauma. However, harbouring negative emotions can prevent us from moving forward and only harm our wellbeing. So, the question arises: how can we cultivate forgiveness to pave the way for

Forgiveness: An Exploration by Marina Cantacuzino a more harmonious life, free from a cycle of suffering? Founder of The Forgiveness Project, Marina Cantacuzino, draws on her own insight, as

well as real stories, to unpick the complex nature of forgiveness, so that we can apply it in our own lives.

(Un)Stuck by Dr Sophie Mort For those who feel as though they are stuck in a rut, Dr Sophie Mort utilises her expertise and deep understanding of human behaviour as a clinical psychologist to help you become unstuck. She unravels the reasons why you might be feeling this way, and gives you the tools needed to get back on track.

The Handmade Loaf by Dan Lepard This autumn, step into the world of baking where the weather may be frightful, but the joy of baking bread is absolutely delightful! Awardwinning baker Dan Lepard takes us on a scrumptious journey on how to get the most out of the humble loaf, as he shares more than 75 bread-making recipes for us to try our hand at.

Must reads What You Are Looking for is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama Five customers, who are at different crossroads in their lives, enter an enchanting library, and librarian Sayuri Komachi bestows upon them book recommendations that have the potential to change their lives forever. Are these literary treasures the key to help them find what they’ve been looking for?

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Autumn Borscht A Ukrainian-inspired recipe to keep you warm this autumn Writing | Laura Semmens

he days are getting shorter, and the colours of autumn are starting to show. The air is cooler, and as the weather continues to change, you might find yourself craving warming foods. Harvest season is in full swing, and on a cold day, there’s truly nothing like a nourishing stew to give you and your family some comfort. Borscht – or beetroot stew – which originates from Ukraine, is a delicious soup and very versatile dish. I’ve personally been experimenting with it for years, trying out various ingredients to pack it full of even more colour and flavour. This is my take on the dish, and I encourage you to try out any combinations that work for you and your family. This recipe can be made vegan or vegetarian, and with what’s available in your cupboards. It’s a great dish to introduce into your regular rotation of autumn meals, and for those of us short on time, can be prepared in a slow cooker.

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Borscht (beetroot stew) Serves 4

Ingredients • 200g smoked pancetta (optional) • 500g ready cooked beetroot • 1 medium carrot • 5 medium potatoes • 1 small onion/shallot/leek • Salt and pepper to taste • 1 tsp of smoked paprika • 1 tbsp of dried herbs (thyme, basil, sage) • 1 litre beef or vegetable stock • 400g can of beans (black beans, kidney beans, or butter beans) • Sour cream • Fresh bread (to serve) • Fresh chilli to garnish (optional) To make this meat-free, swap the meat for an extra can of beans, and 2 handfuls of mushrooms.

Method • If using, add the pancetta to the pot with a drizzle of olive oil. Cook on a medium heat until

browned. Remove from the heat and set aside. • Grate the beetroot and carrot. Peel the potatoes and dice into small cubes. Chop the onion finely and, if using, slice the mushrooms. Add to the pot with the pancetta. • On a medium heat, start warming the vegetables. Add a pinch of salt, the paprika, and dried herbs. Combine and cook for 1–2 minutes. • Add the stock and bring to the boil. Once boiling, reduce to a simmer and cook for 30–40 minutes until the vegetables are cooked through. • If using, add the beans for the final 5 minutes, stirring to combine. • Serve with a dollop of sour cream and some freshly buttered bread. To feed a larger family or for leftovers, increase the ingredients accordingly. Leftovers can be stored in the fridge for 2–3 days.

food & health

The healthy bit

Beetroot is known for its benefits in cardiovascular (heart) health, and increased exercise performance. To top that, beetroot is a great source of folate, potassium, iron, and fibre – not to mention, its beautiful colour and distinct flavour. It is a great food that all of us should be utilising more in our diets. In addition, you have all the goodness of the other vegetables in this recipe, making it a great vitamin and mineral-boosting meal. It’s particularly rich in vitamins A and C, as well as a good source of both fibre and magnesium. The high protein content – provided by the variety of beans, mushrooms, and/or meat – will ensure a feeling of fullness and satiety, and is important for balancing our blood sugar and general wellbeing. This is definitely a meal to add to your repertoire, not only for its great nutritional status, but also for how simple and cost-effective it is to make. Trust me, even those who say they don’t like the taste of beetroot will be convinced by this dish!

Laura Semmens is a nutritional therapist and educator who specialises in sleep support and gut health, including chronic conditions. Find out more on her profile at the Nutritionist Resource. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 53

Poetry for good

Discover how poetry has supported others through hard times, and be inspired to put pen to paper yourself Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

remember sitting in a poetry tutorial, a long time ago, when the tutor asked us: ‘What is a poem?’ It seems like such a simple question, but it led to a lot of stumped minds and fumbled answers. Eventually, the only thing we could really nail it down to was: ‘A piece of writing with meaning.’ It’s not the most definitive of definitions, but poems can be tricky to define because they really can be anything. They can be more than 12,000 lines, like Homer’s ‘The Odyssey’, or they can be just

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

one single line (a ‘monostich’) like this one, by John Ashbery:

‘I HAD THOUGHT THINGS WERE GOING ALONG WELL’ But I was mistaken. They can have a strict structure, they can rhyme, they can be one long sentence, or lots of short sentences. Words can sprawl irregularly across the page, or form a familiar shape. They can be about the wide unknown, or the familiar. They can be sad,

funny, empowering, nostalgic, passionate, angry, celebratory, or speculative. And, with all that in mind, they can be a very powerful tool for supporting our wellbeing. Grace Pilkington is a poet whose collection, I Have No Idea What I’m Doing, was published by Quadrant Books in 2022. For Grace, writing poetry has helped her cope with depression and anxious times in her life, enabling her to work through her thoughts and feelings on the page.

That night

“Poetry has always been cathartic and impulsive to me,” she says. “It sometimes feels as if life is a build-up of tension and words whirr around my head, and I then have the desperate urge to write, and it all spills out. It often makes very little sense, and I have a folder on my desktop titled ‘Ramblings’. It’s sort of like making a smoothie out of bits of decaying fruit and vegetable left in the fridge – it blends furiously together. Finishing the poem is quite like turning the blender off.” Finding a way to express difficult and sometimes devastating feelings is also something that’s at the heart of Malka Al-Haddad’s work as a poet, an ambassador of Counterpoints Arts’ Refugee Week, and a creative workshop facilitator for refugees and asylum seekers in Birmingham. In her work, she explores her experience of exile, persecution, and trauma. “I believe that writing can observe our feelings and thoughts, and turn our pain and anger into superpowers,” Malka explains. “I am really passionate about helping others discover this,

We made our amends over chewed cigarette ends, you said you lost your faith, that it just escaped your clutch, you said you didn’t miss it much, your eyes didn’t seem to agree, darting around the room, they couldn’t look at me. I know you thought peace would come to you, that late one night it would climb into bed, wrap its limbs around you, whispering ‘Sorry I’m late’ in your ear and you’d awake different. I want to tell you it’s not like that – peace – it doesn’t come to you, you have to find it, I want to tell you that it’s hard, that sometimes you think you’ve found it and it disappears again, But I do too much telling, so I listen and watch as you sip nervously from your glass of wine, and say ‘honestly everything is completely fine.’ Grace Pilkington

which is why I run creative writing workshops to groups experiencing trauma, to inspire them to express and release their feelings. I understand what others are going through, and feel their pain. My voice is on behalf of all those caught up in the UK asylum system. My poems speak up for those who cannot.”

In the same way that Grace describes creating a smoothie out of fragments of feelings and ideas, Malka reflects on the calm and inner peace that she feels once she has emptied her negative thoughts on to a page, where they turn into images and meaning on paper. Feeling inspired? Perhaps it’s time you gave it a go yourself? >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 55

Your Love My heart is a dark room And as I fell in love with you The wind opened all the windows and the sun entered me Malka Al-Haddad, taken from 'The Truth at the End of the Night'

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Homeland We are citizens without a homeland, Hunted like birds without sky, Taught how to cut our wings, Cage our love inside us, Love is sun – not forgiven, Freedom of speech is shame, We are immigrants on all maps without addresses, Travellers, paperless, without passport, Bodies without coffins, We are slaves of time, Sell us all, governor, and get the price, Here, here, stop your journey here, stop your suffering, exile and grief. England has revealed to us what it means: love peace and homeland. Malka Al-Haddad, taken from ‘Birds without Sky’

The beginner’s guide to writing poetry Poetry is for everyone, and the only thing that you need to get started is the desire to do so. But there are also some tools you can use to bring out the best you have to offer: • Seek out inspiration. The best way to get writing is to read widely. You’ll discover new ways of approaching poetry, different ways of expressing tone and voice, and topics that impassion you. Visit poetryfoundation.org to read poems from all corners of the world. • Find your topic. If you’re going through something specific, the topic might be right there in front of you. But if you’re planning on writing for general wellbeing, or would prefer to write for a distraction, you can look for ideas elsewhere. You can try responding to a news story from that day; use a random

word generator, and write on whatever it brings up; write a response to another poem; or write from the perspective of someone else. • Save moments of inspiration. It could be a single word, or a fleeting thought. It may be a subject, a title, or an opening line. Whatever it is, when inspiration hits, write it down! You never know what it may turn into. Most importantly, be bold. Don’t let fear of the page overwhelm you, or worry about ‘being bad’ – what does that even mean, anyway? The process of writing poetry is about creating a space to dive into your thoughts and feelings, and escape day-today life. All you have to do is put words down; you may be surprised by what you can do once you’ve given yourself permission to try.

The Happiful Poetry Prize 2024 Ready to put pen to paper? We’re looking for poems that explore the topic of mental health and wellbeing in relatable, original, and empowering ways. The competition is free to enter, and welcomes new and seasoned writers alike. No prior experience is necessary, the only thing we require is a passion for writing! The winner will receive £100, and four shortlisted poets will receive a £25 National Book Token. All five poems will be published in issue 84 of Happiful. To enter, please submit a Word document or PDF to poetry@happiful.com, which includes: • One entry per person, of a poem no more than 25 lines long. • Your poem’s title. • Your full name and address. • A short biography, no more than 50 words long. The deadline for entries is 23:59 Monday 20 November 2023. All poets will be contacted with the results in February 2024. UK & NI only. Good luck!

happiful.com | Issue 79 | 57

Happiful recommends From a local exploration to a lesson in sustainability, try something refreshing from our wellbeing round-up Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

Raise awareness for a charity Spread the word about charities close to your heart – reshare social posts and have conversations with loved ones about their missions. While our financial contributions may be limited at the moment, the power of our voices shouldn’t be underestimated. (Visit your chosen charity’s website for other ways to get involved)

PAGE-TURNERS The Book Club Journal by Adams Media Are you tired of losing track of all the amazing books you’ve read? Well, worry no more! The Book Club Journal is a space for you to record all of your cherished literary reads in one place, as well as documenting your thoughts and reflections along the way. (Out now, £12.99, Adams Media)

ACT OF KINDNESS

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘Mind Your Mind’ by Roxana Parra Sepúlveda Tune-in to the insightful ‘Mind Your Mind’ podcast, where psychotherapist Roxana Parra Sepúlveda delves into the vital topic of self-care and work-life balance, specifically tailored to provide life-changing strategies for those who work on the frontline. (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Go local We have a tendency to seek out adventure further afield, but if the Covid lockdown taught us anything, it’s to embrace what’s local to us. Check your community calendar for upcoming events and rediscover where you live for the first time, all over again. You might just find that adventure is right on your doorstep… (Check your local council’s website for upcoming events) 58 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

PLUGGED-IN

Dr Julie Smith Introducing Dr Julie Smith – a psychologist and TikTok sensation who shares informative videos to help people around the world with their mental health. Her easy-to-follow and engaging content spans a range of topics, from invaluable mental health advice to empowering selfhelp tips. (Follow @drjuliesmith on TikTok)

culture

LESSON LEARNED

Switch to a green pension provider Did you know that opting for a sustainable pension fund is more effective at fighting the climate crisis than going vegetarian or giving up flying? Seek out which companies your pension provider invests in, and make a greener switch that aligns with your values. (Find out more at makemymoneymatter.co.uk)

SQUARE EYES

TECH TIP-OFFS

Stand Up! We’ve all heard about the incredible benefits of standing up and moving around regularly, but let’s face it: remembering to do it is easier said than done. Whether you’re a busy office worker, or a passionate hobbyist immersed in your creative world, Stand Up! is the timer app that reminds you to take regular standing breaks. (Available on the Apple store)

GET GOING

Intuitive fitness Having a structured exercise plan works for some people, but not everyone. If you find yourself unable to commit to fitness plans because of dread, the liberating world of intuitive fitness might just be for you. This practice involves using your body’s internal cues to decide what type of movement you should do and for how long.

Happiness for Beginners In this romantic comedy, 32-year old Helen Carpenter (played by Ellie Kemper) sets off on a wilderness survival course in search of self-exploration following her divorce. Will this adventure provide the answers she’s been seeking? (Watch on Netflix)

TREAT YOURSELF

Body Warming Oil by Ishga As the colder and darker evenings roll in, add a splash of warmth to your self-care routine with Ishga’s luxurious Body Warming Oil made from Hebridean seaweed. Simply apply to damp skin after a shower, or add a few drops to your bath to melt away muscle tension, and bring comfort to your body and mind. (RRP £42, uk.ishga.com)

WIN A 100ML BOTTLE OF BODY WARMING OIL BY ISHGA For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com What is the main benefit of using body oil? a) To strengthen hair b) To hydrate skin c) To whiten teeth *Competition closes 31 December 2023. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 79 59

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Jam-packed with engaging articles and supportive content Content reviewed and approved by experts Exclusive offers and rewards Know that you’re not alone Featuring a digital version of Happiful magazine each month, plus The Uplift, our weekly newsletter.

Visit happiful.com/digital-subscription to sign up today! 60 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

wellbeing

How to support a child with a stammer A stammer (or a stutter as it’s called in the US) can make speech in children more difficult to understand. While one in 12 children will be affected by one, many outgrow it and treatment can be successful. Jenna Farmer explains all about stammering, and how to support a child with one

ost of us might struggle to get a word out from time to time, but if your child gets stuck on words, repeats syllables (such as saying ‘mu-mumu’ before mummy) or makes sounds longer, they may in fact have a stammer. Stammers aren’t uncommon, but can feel stressful, especially with young children who have developmental stammering, which arises in the early years between 18 months and five years when speech is developing. This can make communication more frustrating for both the child and parent. That’s not to say only children have stammers, as some will take a stammer into adulthood,

while there is also another type called acquired or late-onset stammering in adults, but this is much rarer. But why do stammers happen in the first place? Well, there can be many causes of stammer, with experts believing it could be a combination of things, such as the way language develops, our environment, or even our genetics (since two thirds of those who stammer have a family history, according to nhs.uk).

What can I do to support my child’s stammer? First of all, be reassured that you’re not the only one going through this, especially with a young child. According to the

NHS, stammering is relatively common in childhood. “Stammering is more common than you may think within preschoolers, and there’s a lot you can do within the environment to help,” says speech therapist Karen Massey, of All About Speech Therapy. It’s also worth noting that the NHS suggests two thirds of children with a stammer go on to speak fluently, and in some cases, where it is short-lived, intervention may not be needed at all. The Stuttering Foundation, in America, states that between 75–80% of those children who develop a stammer may find it resolves without formal speech therapy within one to two years. >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 61

For more information on stammering visit the British Stammering Association: stamma.org. Or if your child is struggling with a stammer, it is always advised to reach out to your GP or health visitor for support.

However, either way, there’s lots of help out there. The main intervention your child will be given is likely to be speech therapy, which can help teach your child to slow down their speech, and correct the stammer. The first thing you may be asked to try is indirect therapy, which is where parents make changes to the way they communicate and the home environment, rather than specifically targeting their child’s speech. This is usually the first strategy to try if your child is under five. It can take the pressure off young children and have a real impact. “Think of a stammer as an imbalance where demands outweigh capacity to talk, so reducing demands in the environment can make a big difference. Things like pausing more, giving your child extra time to talk, letting them know you’re listening, spending one-to-one time with them leading play – even if only for five minutes at a time – and trying to stay calm yourself,” explains Karen Massey. 62 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

If your child stammers, it’s also really important not to interrupt them or criticise their stammer as they are speaking. Instead, focus on what they’re trying to tell you rather than the stammer itself. “Try not to draw attention to any stammering, and focus more on the message, rather than the way they are talking,” adds Karen. Often, these changes make a real difference, but not all parents will find these adaptations a success. If that’s the case, don’t panic. “If you have already been following the environmental advice, adapting your own communication, and it isn’t making a difference, then now is the time to speak to a speech and language therapist who specialises in dysfluency (stammering), as your child may benefit from more of an individual approach to therapy,” explains Karen. Karen advises this is also the case if the stammer is starting to impact your child significantly.

wellbeing

“Perhaps your child is more aware of their stammer, and it is starting to impact their confidence, or your child is older and you worry it is not something that will go away.” If this is the case, your child may receive targeted direct therapy instead. One of these treatments is the Lidcombe Program, which is done under the guidance of a speech and language therapist. This programme has been proven to have a significant impact on stammering, with a study in the American Journal of SpeechLanguage Pathology reporting its success, though the length of time required would depend on the severity of the initial stammer. While stammers can be tricky, do rest assured that there are different therapies out there to support you and your child that can make a real difference. We also know that stammers are easier to treat when children are younger, so reaching out for support and guidance as soon as you notice a stammer is really important. Whatever route you decide to take, know that you aren’t alone. And seeking support ensures that you get the last word in how you tackle this challenge, together. Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity happiful.com | Issue 79 | 63

Take 5

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Sit down and enjoy the perfect puzzling excuse for a little ‘me-time’ – it’s a no-brainer

Codebreaker

Can you decipher this crossword with no clues? This is a game of logic, using every letter of the alphabet at least once, with each letter represented by a number on the grid. Uncover a letter at a time to reveal more answers across the board. 2

CLUE: Autumn vibes 1

E 16

R E E

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E R

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L L O 4

17 2

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8 24

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5 natural ways to increase dopamine Dopamine, our body’s happy hormone, plays a big role in helping us feel satisfied and motivated. But is there a way to naturally increase it to give us that ‘good job’ feeling all day long? Writing | Jenna Farmer

hen it comes to boosting our minds, dopamine is a pretty important neurotransmitter. It’s produced by neurons in our brain that do this by a process of conversion. First, the amino acid tyrosine is converted to another amino acid (L-Dopa), which is then changed into dopamine. Dopamine does all sorts of important stuff. It assists with passing messages between our cells and the brain, and is responsible for helping us feel all kinds of positive emotions – such >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 65

Maria Cross is a mental health nutritionist. Get in touch via the Nutritionist Resource. Narinder Sheena is an NLP practitioner and energy leadership coach. Visit the Life Coach Directory to connect.

Dopamine provides the reward and pleasure factor. Without it, you might feel deflated as motivation, satisfaction, and pleasure. So whether you eat the most amazing burger or get incredible feedback from your boss, dopamine is produced and gives all the good feelings. “Dopamine provides the reward and pleasure factor. Without it, you might feel deflated, sad, apathetic… your get-up-and-go has gone,” says Maria Cross, a mental health nutritionist. Various studies have discovered that dopamine is highest first thing in the morning and lowest before bed, which helps us feel alert when we get to work, but 66 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

more relaxed when we want to sleep. It also plays a role in everyday decisions, e.g. this alertness helps us figure out whether a mental task is worth the effort, and therefore increases our motivation, as proven in a study in Science in 2020. This could partly explain why those who have ADHD may struggle with this recognition, since they have a gene that makes it difficult for neurons to respond to dopamine, a study by the University of Michigan found. This is why the condition is sometimes treated with medication that increases dopamine.

But for those of us who don’t have ADHD, and just want to feel more alert, motivated, and satisfied, naturally increasing our dopamine may help. There are lots of quick and easy, science-backed ways to do this. Let’s take a look...

1. Exercise There’s a reason you always feel so awesome after your morning run. Any kind of exercise has been found to increase dopamine production in your brain, although we don’t yet know if some workouts are better at doing this than others.

food & health

“Exercising often, or going outside in natural sunlight for a walk in nature daily, will increase dopamine levels,” says NLP practitioner and energy leadership coach Narinder Sheena. “Physical activity benefits our brain in a positive way and actually energises us to do more in our day.” In fact, one study in Neuropsychopharmacology found that adults who walked, jogged, and did strength training three times a week, had an increase in dopamine receptor availability.

uplift people who experience depression and ADHD,” Narinder explains. “In a study by the University of Barcelona, volunteers were asked to listen to music over a certain duration, and pleasure responses were reviewed by a skin sensor, measuring electrodermal activity (goosebumps), and questionnaires. The group listening to music had increased levodopa, a chemical building block that our body converts into dopamine in the brain.”

2. Get more sleep

4. Meditation

We know dopamine is highest when we wake and lowest before bed (which is why it’s so much easier to focus on something at 10am compared to 10pm!). But when we don’t get enough sleep, our natural rhythm can be set off track, and this can impact dopamine production in general. Sleep deprivation actually decreases dopamine receptors D2 and D3, reducing our alertness. “Dimming the lights before bed, not watching your mobile phone for at least two hours before bed, and avoiding caffeine from the afternoon onwards, are good ways to get your body prepared for a good night’s sleep, and help the circadian rhythms in the body,” adds Narinder.

Mediation has long been linked to an increase in focus and attention. Specifically, one study of yoga nidra meditation in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience found it increased dopamine release by a whopping 65%. “This can be guided or silent, just a few minutes a day can make a huge difference to observe thoughts, and create space. This helps to reduce anxiety, and stress and makes you feel calmer. A 2019 article reviewed 21 papers confirming that meditation had a positive effect on the brain,” adds Narinder.

3. Listening to music Grab your speakers and get ready to dance around the kitchen, because the simple act of listening to music has been found to increase dopamine levels. “Listening to music helps to improve your mood, which can

5. High dopamine diet Can you eat your way to more dopamine? The answer is yes! “Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that you make yourself, from the food that you eat,” says nutritionist Maria Cross. “Like all neurotransmitters, it is created from amino acids provided by protein. So it stands to reason that your diet affects how well you make dopamine, and how much.

“We know that there are certain foods that are great at raising those dopamine levels. Different amino acids are required to make different neurotransmitters, and in the case of dopamine, the main amino acid is tyrosine. The richest dietary sources of tyrosine are beef, pork, chicken, salmon, tofu, cheese, and legumes [beans].” But, it’s not just about protein, as there are other diet hacks you can try to up your dopamine levels. “Another way to increase dopamine is by eating probiotic foods. Although the evidence for this is limited, research suggests that probiotics, as in live yoghurt and other fermented foods – kefir, kombucha, and sauerkraut – can have a positive impact on dopamine production,” Maria says. “Finally, coffee lovers will already know that a good cup of coffee can raise your spirits. That’s because it stimulates dopamine production and can give you a great positive vibe – the perfect way to start the day.” Now there’s no need to feel guilty about your morning latte run! Dopamine is a really important neurotransmitter for mental health and feeling motivated and alert. Simple diet and lifestyle changes can make a big difference to dopamine levels, so if you’re struggling with fatigue or indecisiveness, why not give our dopamine-boosting tips a try? Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk happiful.com | Issue 79 | 67

10 signs you’re in a one-sided relationship

Watch out for these warning signs that the balance is off in your romantic connections, and you’re giving a lot more than your getting back You don’t feel appreciated.

They seem disinterested in your life away from them, and make no effort to engage in conversations that don’t revolve around them.

You’re the only one to ever apologise. You’re expected to initiate plans, and organise anything you do together.

You’re conscious of their needs and wants, but never feel like a priority to them. You find yourself compromising a lot, but these roles never seem to be reversed. You go out of your way to show how much you care, but it’s not reciprocated.

Your loved ones don’t like them, and you’re constantly making excuses to explain their behaviour. You listen to their problems, but your feelings are dismissed. 68 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

You feel alone when going through a hard time.

5 simple ways to make (and save) money Invest a little time and reap the rewards Writing | Ellen Lees

hinking about reducing spending and ways to make some extra cash? You’re not alone. The past few years have presented their fair share of challenges, leaving many of us feeling the financial strain. Managing money might seem like a daunting task, but fear not – you don’t need to be a certified accountant or a savvy entrepreneur to regain control. In fact, there are numerous actions you can take from the comfort of your home that can both enhance your savings, and generate a little additional income. Curious? Here are some of our favourite ways to make (and save) some extra pennies.

1. Sell your unwanted items

A great way to make money is by selling your unwanted items – don’t let good quality clothing or unreturned items clutter your space! Vinted and Depop are two of the most popular apps for selling second-hand clothing, just take clear photos and provide detailed descriptions. You’ll be running to the Post Office in no time. And if you need to make room on your bookcase, Ziffit is a free online service that values your books, and makes selling them to fellow readers hassle-free.

2. Sign up to cashback apps Did you know you can get cashback for most online retailers? Apps like Quidco, GreenJinn, and Cheddar reward you for your everyday spending, and setting up accounts is quick and straightforward. You can also make money by completing surveys or providing feedback through apps like Eureka, or market research websites like Askable – the perfect task for an evening on the sofa.

3. Plan your meals

The best way to combat temptation is to plan ahead and stick to a list. Start your week by meal planning to save money and time, and minimise waste, while reducing your mental load. Create a shopping list and, if you can, consider online shopping to avoid impulse purchases. When you’re on the go, carry a packed lunch, or at least some snacks and water, to prevent overspending when hunger strikes away from home.

4. Consider switching your bank

How long have you been with your current bank? Chances are that you could be getting more for your money elsewhere. Research different banks and account types,

focusing on interest rates, roundup payment options, and other rewards. It might feel like a big undertaking, but it’s worth it to ensure you’re using the account that’s right for you and your spending.

5. Shop your stash

To better control your shopping habits and cut clothing expenses, try the fun and cost-effective approach of ‘shopping your stash’. Next time you feel like you have nothing to wear, resist buying new items and, instead, explore your existing wardrobe. Play music, put on a fashion show for yourself, and you’ll discover hidden treasures and unexpected outfit combinations. It’s an enjoyable way to find inspiration within your current collection. You can even turn it into a social event by inviting friends over for a clothing swap! happiful.com | Issue 79 | 69

Seeing visible differences in a new light Life with a visible difference can lead to unique challenges. But we can break the mould, as our expert columnist Elizabeth Dunne explains

ELIZABETH DUNNE MA DSFH

s a solution-focused hypnotherapist, I work with clients to shift negative core beliefs by helping them recognise their innate qualities and strengths, so they can make positive change. Having been born with a cleft, one of my favourite areas to work with is visible differences. Approximately 4 million people in the UK have a visible difference, defined by the charity Changing Faces as: ‘A scar, mark or condition on your face or body that makes you look different.’ This can be congenital, such as a cleft or acquired, resulting from an injury or condition. Individual experiences will vary widely. For some, it is a huge part of who they are and their story, for others it is of little consequence. For me, it has been both, and that is the wonderful thing about identity: it shifts over time. I love reading blogs and connecting with others who share my experience. It’s striking how individual our

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stories are, and while we have common challenges, each one of us has a unique and enriched perspective on the world, and I believe more of these stories need to be shared. Organisations such as Changing Faces are doing brilliant work to inspire and educate, yet looking towards media representations, we see little of those enriched stories. Representation is scarce, one-dimensional, and sometimes offensive (such as the ‘scar equals villain’ trope). Sadly, we can see the effects of this play out in society with 49% of those affected experiencing hostile behaviour, revealed in a 2023 survey by Savanta, and 25% say they feel their mental health has been impacted because of their difference. It is crucial that we challenge these views, both internally and societally, by taking time to recognise the depth of our unique experiences, and the value they bring. Here are just

Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hynotherapy Directory.

some of the wonderful qualities that are most mentioned by those who recognise the positive aspects gained by having a visible difference:

1. Resilience

Being born with a craniofacial difference presents unique challenges early on in life, and may include frequent hospital visits, major surgeries at a young age, or bullying and discrimination. These are painful experiences for any child, but research, such as in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, has shown that, with the right support, surmounting stressful challenges can build resilience to future stressors, helping you gain skills that buffer against

EXPERT COLUMN

difficulties in later life with more ease. Stavroulla, a digital marketing manager and member of the CLAPA facebook forum, says: “Strength is definitely the word I’d use the most to describe us all… It has actually helped me feel empowered and confident to show off my scars, embrace it and educate others positively.”

2. Compassion

Those who face adversity also often report feeling more compassion and confidence in their ability to help others. A study in the journal Emotion found that those who had overcome challenges in the past not only identified greater levels of empathy and compassion, but also demonstrated higher levels

of active compassion under lab conditions. This is echoed by many people I have spoken to with visible differences who say that they have chosen people-centred careers, such as healthcare or education, because of their desire to help people.

3. Self-acceptance

Unrealistic media beauty standards have a damaging effect on young people’s selfperceptions, and more time spent on social media leads to increased image-related anxiety, and low self-worth. Some assume that being closer to these media standards will make you happier, but, in fact, a more balanced selfimage where you focus on your positive aspects, values, passions,

and the important people in your life, is what creates a healthier and more well-rounded sense of self, according to research published in Body Image and the Journal of Health Psychology. While having a visible difference can have an impact on body image, it doesn’t have to. Body image and self-esteem are intrinsically linked perceptions of ourselves that change through life, and can be improved through consistent care and practice. Over time, having a cleft has helped me disentangle my appearance from self-worth. In doing so, I have learned to love myself by exploring all aspects of me, pursuing my passions, being kind to myself, spending quality time with the people I love, and taking pride in my appearance, while understanding that there is so much more to life than fixating on it. Living with a visible difference presents unique challenges that can become a source of strength with the right motivation and support. We can seldom rely on media messages to frame our view of the world, but these can be unconsciously acquired if we don’t actively question them. By challenging problematic media portrayals, and educating others through sharing our own stories and experiences, we can reduce stigma and build a more inclusive and fuller perspective that celebrates difference. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 71

Ready to transform your wellbeing? When you’re ready to take the first step, Happiful is by your side. Use our guided search tool to find the right person for you

Hypnotherapy

Coaching Counselling

Nutritional support

Complementary therapies

Visit happiful.com to start your journey Search for professional help at happiful.com. The Happiful family of wellbeing directories are Counselling Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Life Coach Directory, and Therapy Directory. Professionals and 72 | Issue 79 | happiful.com organisations listed are individually verified and approved by our team to meet our directory policy requirements.

wellbeing

The struggle of stability Exploring the paradoxical way that finding your mental health in a stable place can actually be tricky territory to navigate for those with mood disorders, and how we can find contentment when we’re stable Writing | Katie Conibear

or many people living with a mood disorder, life is full of desperate lows, extreme highs, and not much in between. When they become stable, people often miss the rollercoaster of intense moods they’re used to. Stability can feel strange and alien if you’re used to mood fluctuations. I personally live with bipolar disorder, and when I first became stable after years of being unwell, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was used to living an intense life, full of drama, fear, anger, and emotional heights and depths.

Why do people find stability difficult?

Therapist Siobhan Butt explains why people, especially those with mood disorders, find stability challenging.

“If you grew up in a household where shouting was the norm, and moods were determined by others you live with, it’s likely that stability as an adult feels unsettling for you,” Siobhan explains. “We are attracted to what we know – whether or not it is good for us, it feels normal for us. If you have a mood disorder such as bipolar, it is likely until you got your diagnosis life felt unstable and probably quite chaotic when you were growing up. Stability, now in adulthood, could feel like an unfamiliar territory, and therefore cause feelings of anxiety, or possibly even feel quite boring.” I spoke to Bex, who also has bipolar disorder, to hear another perspective on stability, and the difficult feelings it manifested. “I have bipolar disorder, and one main reason stability is

difficult for me is it brings up feelings of, ‘Was that real? Do I actually have this?’ It feeds into that imposter syndrome and it makes me feel like I made a huge fuss for no reason, which then feeds into feelings of overreacting,” Bex says. “It’s led to me stopping medication in the past, which messes up stability pretty quickly!” The temptation to stop medication and to actively selfsabotage is a common reaction to new-found stability. As with Bex, I’ve wanted to stop taking medications which keep me well. For me, the euphoria I feel during a manic episode of bipolar is unparalleled to any other I’ve experienced. Siobhan explains why people tend to sabotage their stability, rather than feeling content with staying well. >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 73

“ One main reason stability is difficult for me is it brings u p f e e l i n g s o f ‘ Wa s that real? Do I actually have this?’ It feeds into that imposter syndrome

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wellbeing

“Sometimes people sabotage their stability in order to bring about the familiar feelings and patterns that living in instability brings. We may subconsciously choose relationships that bring that feeling of rejection and anxiety we are used to, or overthink the smallest things. When you expect instability, stability can be threatening as you are unsure what to expect, or how to behave when stability is taken away.”

How can we become more comfortable with stability?

Therapist Siobhan offers some sage advice on how to tackle these tricky feelings. “It is really difficult to relearn patterns that we have deeply embedded within us, and it will be challenging and uncomfortable,” Siobhan says. “Engaging in therapy to understand your patterns, and build selfawareness, is a key way you can help know what is happening for you, and think about breaking the cycle. Developing your own selfworth can also enable someone to become more comfortable with stability. When we have a strong sense of self-worth, we feel more secure with ourselves and those around us. “The feeling to sabotage the stability and seek out drama may still flare up from time to time. Notice when it does, be curious about it, and ask yourself ‘What do I really need right now?’ It’s OK that it will take some time to

understand and feel comfortable with stability; it’s never about the speed of change, but about the trajectory. You are on your own journey of self-awareness and self-growth and, with hard work, you can make it through.” Sometimes I daydream about the fun side of mania, and how if I stopped taking medication I could get back to that. Then, I remember all the negatives: the delusional thinking; the intense anger; obsessive and risk-taking behaviour. There’s also the sense of foreboding surrounding me that at any time, without taking care of myself and staying stable, I’ll become severely depressed. I realise it’s not worth being unwell and, with stability, I can live a healthier life. Bex has some advice as well on how to cope with new stability. “Take advantage of everything you couldn’t do when unwell. For me, that means I can start cooking again, and my house finally has a deep clean. It means I’m not overly irritable and unable to socialise. Stability doesn’t mean you weren’t unwell, or you don’t have your diagnosis, so as hard as it may be, you have to work to eliminate those imposter feelings.” Stability is about taking each day as it comes. It’s about embracing all the things you can do now. It’s about feeling calm and organised, feeling happiness without worrying it will morph into something toxic. Waking up and feeling slightly down, but being able to carry on with your

H e re a re s i x ta ke aways to help you feel more content with stability: • Take stock of, and appreciate, what you can do when you’re stable. • Appreciate and notice the small pleasures in life. • Learn to feel comfortable with the mundane, feeling calm, or even bored. • Ask yourself ‘why’ when the urge to self-sabotage rises. • Look at how far you’ve come, and accept how ill you were before stability. • Try new activities and hobbies you weren’t able to do previously.

day without depression creeping up on you. You can accomplish more, do more, socialise more, and live more. Life shouldn’t be full of extremes. It should be quieter and calmer. Sometimes, yes, even boring! Katie Conibear is a writer and mental health advocate. Their first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.

Siobhan Butt is a therapist specialising in adult relationship counselling. Visit her profile on the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 75

5 reasons why the early evenings could be good for your wellbeing Don’t mourn the disappearing daylight hours – the onset of the evening can bring a host of wellbeing benefits… Writing | Kerry Law

very day following the autumn equinox, evening arrives earlier and we wave goodbye to months of long daylight hours. The prospect of more time in the dark is unwelcome for many, particularly those who experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD). But the onset of the evening could be something you should embrace. Here’s why…

Sunset light has a powerful effect on the body and mind A study by the University of Washington in 2020 found that the light during sunset, 76 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

compared to brighter light earlier in the day, has the biggest impact on the brain centre, which boosts mood, memory, and alertness, and regulates our circadian rhythms. Previously, it was thought melanopsin, a pigment in the eye that is sensitive to blue light, was solely responsible for prompting the sleep/wake signals in the brain. But researchers discovered that cone photoreceptor cells in the eye’s retina are a thousand times more sensitive to light than melanopsin, and they respond strongly to the longwave orange and yellow light prevalent at sunset.

Witnessing dusk prepares our bodies for sleep “The setting sun helps inform your internal body clock that active daytime is over, triggering the release of melatonin, the sleep-promoting hormone,” says Dr Guy Meadows, co-founder and clinical director at Sleep School. Sitting outside in the fading light promotes better sleep quality, because it aligns us with this natural biological process.” With that in mind, if you reach for your SAD lamp (lamps designed to replicate sunlight, which are used to support those experiencing SAD) as soon

positive pointers

as daylight starts to fade for a quick blast of light therapy, Dr Meadows advises caution. “Using SAD lamps in the evening may disrupt the natural sleep-wake cycle. To maximise their benefits, use them for about 20–30 minutes shortly after waking up,” he recommends.

Sunsets are good for the soul Few would be surprised to hear that gazing at a beautiful sunset makes us feel good, but it goes beyond an opportunity for gorgeous photos. A study of 2,500 people by the University of Exeter found that looking at a sunset triggers a significant boost in our feelings of awe – a complex emotion that improves mood and enhances prosocial behaviours such as generosity. We may associate stunning sunsets with balmy summer days, but sunsets are more likely to reach their spectacular peak during autumn and winter, thanks to a combination of lower humidity and cleaner air, which allows for sharper visuals, and the sun’s lower angle in the sky creates longer sunsets. It’s a beautiful excuse to stop and stare before the day is out.

Observe nocturnal wildlife Dusk may be a tranquil time for us humans, but it’s a pretty busy period for nocturnal wildlife. Spending time in nature is known to have a positive effect on our mental wellbeing, so quietly observing the comings and goings of moths, foxes, and bats adds another dimension to mindfulness at dusk.

The onset of the evening in a typical UK garden in autumn is likely to bring visits from pipistrelle bats, flitting around as they feed on insects. Urban foxes aren’t shy of trotting into your garden and, if you’re lucky, you may also witness a snuffling hedgehog in search of a hibernation spot. Those living in rural areas may hear the hooting of tawny owls (mating season is in full swing during late autumn and winter), and see barn owls as they hunt over farmland during twilight.

She recommends a ritual to end your dusk meditation: “Light a candle and take a few moments to express gratitude for the day before setting intentions for the evening ahead. Allow the glow of the flame to guide you into focused breathing and stillness, reaffirming your connection to the natural world and the peaceful rhythm of the cosmos.”

Twilight is perfect for meditation Watching the light fade at nature’s pace seems almost tailor-made for meditation. Yoga and meditation teacher Bhavini Vyas explains: “There is a practice from yogic traditions and Vedic culture known as sandhya-vandanam – ‘sandhya’ being a Sanskrit word for that special twilight time between day and night when nature itself is undergoing a change, transitioning from one state of energy to another. It’s a perfect time to honour the transit in our minds from the waking to dreaming to sleeping state.” When watching dusk, Vyas suggestsclosing your eyes to focus on the individual sounds and temperature of the evening air as you take slow, deep breaths. On opening your eyes, observe how the fading light affects your surroundings. Gaze at the sky noting the shifting colours before it gradually dims and stars begin to emerge.

Watching the light fade at nature’s pace seems almost tailor-made for meditation

happiful.com | Issue 79 | 77

“Nothing can dim the light which shines from within MAYA ANGELOU Photograph | Apostolos Vamvouras

78 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

positive pointers

A GUIDE TO GOING FREELANCE If you’re considering branching out in a new venture, and backing yourself as your own boss by going freelance, we’ve got the essential overview you need to read Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

ow does working from wherever you want, deciding your hours, and telling people how much to pay you sound? Pretty good, right? When the benefits are stacked up like this, it’s easy to see why making the leap into selfemployment is a growing trend, with a staggering 40% of people between the ages of 25 and 34 keen to embrace freelance work, according to a 2023 survey by Remote. I’ve been self-employed for more than five years, and although there have been plenty of tricky moments – inconsistent income, clients who ghosted me, and a global pandemic to name a few – the way freelancing makes me feel has always outweighed the obstacles along the way. The flexible hours, remote working, creative freedom,

spare time, and uncapped earning potential, are big pros for me. For you, it might be the ability to pivot into a new industry, choosing what types of projects you work on, being there for school pick-up, or creating a work environment that supports your mental health. So, if going freelance has piqued your curiosity, here we’re sharing a guide to help you get started…

THINGS TO CONSIDER

If you’ve got the urge to go freelance, start first by doing some self-reflection. The idea of going freelance is exciting, but when you really think about it, would it solve the problems you’re currently facing? Make a list of the ways that you believe freelancing will improve your life, then ask yourself, could I

achieve these in other ways? Perhaps your main issue is that you don’t like your boss, and you know that you would ultimately be satisfied by finding a different job in a new environment. Secondly, think about what practical steps you would need to take to obtain freelance clients. Do you have an existing skill that you can offer as a service? If not, what training would you have to do? Take this time to research the feasibility of funding such training, get clear on the timescale, and consider how this may affect your life, as well as any dependents you have before you make any big decisions.

KNOW YOUR WORKING STYLE

Do you need complete silence to be your most productive self? Or do you thrive in a collaborative >>> happiful.com | Issue 79 | 79

environment? Is working at home going to be an option, or will you have to find a coworking space to do your best work? Consider also, how well you can selfmotivate without a boss calling the shots, and whether you will miss the external validation of complimentary bosses and colleagues. Clarity on what you need from your work life will help you build a business in which you can thrive.

PLAN A SLOW TRANSITION

Inconsistent income is one of the most stressful parts of being 80 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

self-employed, so unless you have a generous savings fund that you can dip into during those early months and years, I always advise exploring freelancing alongside a full-time job or other. Just a few hours a week will give you time to get clear on what services you will offer, how much you will charge, what your ideal client looks like, and how you will market to them. This will allow you to experiment with ways of positioning your brand and getting clients, without the risk of any costly mistakes. Tip: Check your employment contract to ensure that you’re able

to freelance on the side without breaking any agreements.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU’RE READY TO MAKE THE LEAP

Everyone’s journey is different, so try to avoid comparing your progress to other freelancers. It’s worth asking yourself some questions about what ‘feeling ready’ would look like for you, specifically. For example, would you feel ready to make the leap when you have a certain number of regular clients tied into a six-month contract? Or when you’ve got enough money

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in your savings account to pay your monthly outgoings for six months? Maybe you’ll only feel ready when your kids are at school, and you no longer have childcare costs to pay for. Make a list of a few conditions that would make you feel ready, and work towards achieving those.

TALK TO OTHER FREELANCERS

Much of my business growth has been a result of conversations with well-established freelancers. Whether it’s finding the perfect client management software, comparing pricing structures, collaborating on projects, or celebrating the small daily wins, talking to people who have already been where you are will boost your chances of success. Find other like-minded individuals in freelance Facebook groups, at industry events, public coworking spaces, and local business associations.

INCLUDE MARKETING TIME IN YOUR SCHEDULE

Unless you have an endless stream of clients banging on your door, you’ll need to make time on your calendar to consistently attract and secure new clients. Think about your clients being on a journey to work with you. They’ll need to hear about you first, then learn more about what you do, trust in the results you can provide, and then make the decision to pay for your services.

This all takes time, so you’ll want to set aside at least one day a week when you step away from serving your existing clients to attract and nurture new ones.

40% OF PEOPLE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 25 AND 34 ARE KEEN TO EMBRACE FREELANCE WORK

TOOLS TO SUPPORT YOUR FREELANCE JOURNEY

your outgoings and expenses. From there, figure out how much you need to earn to stay afloat, and how much extra you want to earn to live comfortably. This will give you a monthly income goal to work towards. Once you know your client capacity, then you can use that as a guide for how much you would ideally charge each client to meet your monthly target.

enterprisenation.com: Get the right support to start and grow your business with online lunch and learn sessions, blogs, guides, and online courses. freelancecorner.co.uk: Advice, insights and support for UK freelancers across a wide range of industries and careers, including guides, interviews, and more. ‘Starting the Conversation’ podcast with Alice Benham: Sharing the unspoken sides of running a business and showing up online, this podcast is for entrepreneurs craving honest conversations and practical advice.

KNOW YOUR NUMBERS

Setting rates is one of the most hotly debated topics in the freelance world. Pricing yourself low can be tempting, because it makes you competitive, but in my experience, this isn’t financially sustainable. Get clear on your numbers by first writing down

For example: • I need to earn £1,000 per month to stay afloat • Plus £1,000 extra = £2,000 monthly goal • I can work with five clients a month • Therefore I will charge them a minimum of £400 each The freelance life is certainly not always the easiest one, but with dedication, resilience, and the drive to succeed, you can build a fulfilling career. Just remember to take your time, persist, and soon you’ll be ready to make the leap! Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more. happiful.com | Issue 79 | 81

12 affirmations to inspire confidence Use these powerful phrases when you need a little reminder of just how capable and strong you truly are

My best is always good enough. I can overcome any obstacle. I am the architect of my own life. Today is going to be a good day. I trust my intuition. I am not afraid to shine. I am a magnet for success.

I am learning and progressing every day.

I am grateful for my creative brain.

My thoughts and opinions are valid and worth sharing.

I have the power to change the world. 82 | Issue 79 | happiful.com

I am letting go of self-doubt, and drawing in confidence with every breath.

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

Say it with

feeling Unleash your let inner poet and way words lead the

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Lifting the fog

Why depression g you could be makin more forgetful

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Looking for support with your mental health? Here are some places that can help:

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Where to find help

Cover illustration | Rosan Magar

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Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

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SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000

Mind Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk

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SUPPORT FOR DEPRESSION To learn about depression, and find support and a community forum, visit depressionuk.org

INFORMATION ON ALCOHOL AND SOBRIETY For support, guidance, and information on alcohol and sobriety, visit alcoholchange.org.uk

HELP FOR STAMMERING Find information and assistance for stammering through the British Stammering Association, stamma.org

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