Don’t call it a comeback MICRO MOMENTS OF JOY
What Japan's microseasons can teach us about life
Happiful poetry prize
The five winners revealed
One-sided relationship?
Spot the signs you’re giving more than you get
How to handle conflict regret
Unsolved mysteries
Why does true crime captivate so many?
“Sunsets are proof that endings can often be beautiful, too BEAU TAPLINPhotograph | Arina Krasnikova
I recently read a book that I couldn’t put down. One of those page-turners that has you hooked from the opening chapter, devouring every word as if you’re running out of time – only to find yourself with a rush of mixed emotions as you finish the last page. The excitement of reading something so captivating that you’re eager to tell others, the longing for more, with that inevitable tinge of sadness that it was all over too soon.
Perhaps you wonder if you should have savoured it more. Rationed your reading time to prolong the pleasure. Jealous that someone else will get to experience it for the first time. And worry how long it’ll be before you find something else that ignites your imagination so fiercely.
While closing the book might feel like a sombre end, what this issue encapsulates through many of our articles, is that there can be beauty in new beginnings. And, much like with a great book, the chapters of our lives can hold a special place in our hearts, but what’s waiting to be written might just be magic, too.
Exploring the ancient Japanese concept of microseasons (p27) expresses this so well, highlighting the wonder of natural moments, and how appreciating their fleeting nature is the very essense of their charm – which extends into a lesson about our own lives.
We also delve into the power of possessions, and how to hold on to memories in material objects in a healthy way (p35).
Plus, we’re shaking up the mindset on how best to offer advice and support friends, by recognising that everyone’s experience is unique, and avoiding muddying the waters with trickle-down therapy (p71).
Much like that dog-eared book on our shelf, revisiting precious memories can be a joyful thing – as long as we don’t get stuck living in, or longing for, the past.
Moving forward requires a delicate balance of holding on, and letting go. Recognising what lessons to take with you, and moments to hold in your heart, alongside the grudges to let go, and the hurt to let heal.
So, don’t fear the passing of time, or the end of an era. Treasure the time you have, and just know that the next chapter, the new book yet to be discovered, could just be your favourite story yet.
Happy reading,
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEFAt Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges
W | happiful.com
F | happifulhq
T | @happifulhq
I | @happiful_magazine
Rebecca12
27
35
53
61
83
30
40
44
50
7 Good news
11 The wellbeing wrap
39 Must reads for your bookshelf
58 Give this a go
48
21 ‘Tie Breaker’
José Buera
26 ‘happy birthday’
38 ‘Enough’
60 ‘Illuminated’
74
35 Relationships
15 Gifting differently
Give them something they’ll treasure
23 Lost for words?
This is why we suddenly find right the words when a conflict is over
32 Half measures
Michelle Elman on how to deal with a one-sided relationship
71 Is sharing always caring?
We explore the concept of ‘trickle down therapy’
18 Eco ways to celebrate
42 Break the creative block
Re-ignite your artistic spark
56 The key to supportive work
Our expert columnist explores the Japanese concept of ‘kaizen’
64 Reinventing disappointment
Flip the script and use letdowns to drive you forward
67 What is plant meditation?
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.
The power of fear – a power that we ourselves prescribe. It has great ability to cripple our very being, leaving us physically and psychologically immobile, and this can be incredibly difficult to live with. On p44 there are some helpful tips on how to work through what scares you. Initially, by accepting and acknowledging your fears, you’re inherently reducing the power they have over you. In time, you can work to a place of no longer being held by them – you have the power.
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
DAVID WOOLFSON
MBA MBACP AHPP (ASSOC)
David is a counsellor specialising in anger, working with UK and global clients.
BSC (HONS) MCIPD MNLP MAC NLP
Caroline is a master NLP and neuro-somatic coach, specialising in personal development.
BA, MA, DipHE, MBACP
Caroline is a person-centred counsellor, artist and educator based in Southampton.
BSC MA
Laura is a person-centred psychotherapist, specialising in shyness and social anxiety.
BA (Hons) BSc (Hons) mBANT mCNHC
Rebecca is a nutritional therapist who helps clients find better health through nutrition.
BA (Hons) MBACP
Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.
MA DSFH
Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist.
MBACP ( Accred), BSC
Amy is psychotherapist, whose main focuses lies in the field of men’s mental health.
MA (Hons) PG Cert AP CPCC PCC
Juliet is a productivity coach, author and speaker.
BSc MA PGDip PNCPS (Acc)
Laura is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in anxiety.
PGDip BACP
Jenny is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues.
Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer
Michelle Elman, Elizabeth Dunne | Columnists
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing
Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead
Rosan Magar | Illustrator
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator
CONTRIBUTORS
Lara Green, Kerry Law, Fiona Fletcher Reid, Katie Scott, Caroline Butterwick, Rebecca Leonard, Rosie Cappuccino, Jenna Farmer, Elizabeth Dunne, Victoria Stokes, Kai Conibear
SPECIAL THANKS
David Woolfson, Juliet Landau-Pope, Caroline Knight, Caroline Misselbrook, Laura Wood, Laura Duester, Jenny Warwick, Amy Baglietto, Georgina Sturmer
MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder
Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
SUBSCRIPTIONS
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CONTACT
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Yes, you’ve read that correctly. A campaign called ‘Plant Your Pants’ has launched to help us discover the health of our soil and understand its vital role in our lives, and all you have to do is plant your pants!
On 20 March, the Country Trust invites everyone to join them in learning more about the fascinating world beneath our feet. All you have to do to support the cause is plant a pair of cotton pants in your soil at home –whether that be in your garden or a window box – and wait for the magic to happen just eight weeks later…
If, after this time, you are left with nothing but the elastic, you’ve hit the jackpot! Healthy soil, with high levels of microbial life, is able to break down cotton more quickly than soil with low levels. And it’s an important thing to be aware of. Around 95% of our food comes from soil, and
yet it often goes unnoticed when we think about the health of our planet, so learning more about it, and taking necessary steps to care for it, is crucial.
Tom Fairfax, a farmer who supports the campaign, said: “Healthy soil is teeming with life, much of which can’t be seen
by the naked eye, so getting our hands in the soil, and seeing the way it acts on a pair of cotton pants, is a brilliant way to experience its magic.”
If you want to join in the fun, sign up for free at countrytrust. org.uk/plantyourpants
Writing | Lauren Bromley-BirdIn a world where more and more people are engaging with, and focused on, their health and wellness, new research conducted by Alcohol Change UK has highlighted just how strong the demand for alcohol-free drinks actually is.
It was revealed that 44% of people intending to participate in Dry January said they would be more inclined to go to the pub if alcohol-free options were available, while 50% of 18 to 34-year-olds said they were more likely to visit a pub or bar that serves a good selection of alcoholfree alternatives. These statistics not only reflect a positive shift in attitudes towards alcohol consumption, but also highlight the importance of alcohol-free drinks in supporting those who wish to foster an alcohol-free lifestyle.
But the impact of alcohol-free alternatives extends beyond helping moderate drinkers change their drinking habits. The research also revealed that a staggering 83% of those who drink at harmful levels said that alcohol-free options were important in helping them cut back, while 53% said they were essential.
Recognising the importance of these findings, the report was presented to Members of Parliament. Public Health Minister, Dame Andrea Leadsom, says: “Initiatives like Alcohol Change UK’s Dry January campaign, alongside government efforts to increase the availability of no and low-alcohol alternative products, can help individuals improve their health and wellbeing through reducing alcohol consumption.”
If you are considering making a change, find guidance at alcoholchange.org.uk
Writing | Lauren Bromley-BirdTo mark Time to Talk day 2024, two groups of car fans teamed up with a mental health charity to host an event tackling the topic of male suicide straight on.
Lani Tebbutt, founder of Breaking Silence (a car enthusiast group that raises awareness of mental health), connected with Petroheadonism and St Andrew’s Healthcare to invite their communities to a Northampton event. Here, attendees participated in an outdoor car cinema experience and car meet, while watching a short film, Men’s Mental Health Matters Too, featuring local male personalities, top car influencers, and people
from within the automotive industry.
Film contributors shared their mental health experiences, exploring mood fluctuations, the symptoms they experience, and the things they do to navigate those challenges. The day was particularly important to Ciro Ciampi, who runs Petroheadonism, after he was diagnosed with depression in 2016. He has since begun attending regular therapy sessions, but believes there is still more work to be done.
“Despite how far we’ve come as a society, when it comes to poor mental health among men,
there’s still a stigma that you must be strong and ‘man up’,” Ciro explains. “Men have feelings too, and yes it’s OK to share, and yes it’s OK to cry. We need to move away from this anarchic approach that men must be OK all of the time.” Community-led initiatives are doing invaluable work to put the brakes on stigma, and take the conversation in the right direction.
In news that will strike a chord with many, a new study published in the International Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry has found that playing a musical instrument or singing could help to keep our brains healthy as we age.
Scientists at the University of Exeter looked at more than 1,100 people over the age of 40, with a mean average age of 68. The aim was to study the effects of playing an instrument, singing, reading sheet music, and listening to
music. To do this, they compared the cognitive data of those who engaged in music with those who hadn’t. What they saw was that people who played musical instruments benefitted the most, likely due to the multiple cognitive demands of the activity – with playing the piano or keyboard highlighted as being particularly beneficial. Singing was also advantageous, with the researchers explaining that this may be partly due to the known social aspects of singing in a group.
While the study did not look at whether the benefits were the same for those who took up a musical hobby for the first time later in life, lead author Professor Anne Corbett told the BBC that the evidence would suggest that this would still be very beneficial.
So, whether you prefer to tinkle the ivories or belt out a banger, the impact of music could reverberate far and wide.
Writing | Kathryn WheelerCanada has been named the ‘safest country for travellers’ according to a survey by Berkshire Hathaway Travel Protection
A new study by the American Library Association (ALA) discovered that Gen Z and millenials actually have a penchant for perusing hardcopies, and could be saving libraries in the process. The ALA found that 54% of those surveyed had visited a library in the past 12 months –perhaps we should all take a leaf out of their books.
A tiger with cubs has been spotted for the first tiime in 10 years in Thailand, raising hopes for the species
British Sign Language (BSL) will be introduced as a GCSE in England from September 2025
Disposable vapes will be banned in the UK in a bid to protect children’s health
Europe is powering on in its mission to utilise more sustainable energy sources, with think tank Ember reporting that EU power sector emissions had a record 19% drop in 2023. This is due to a reduction in reliance on coal (26% drop) and gas (15% drop) generation, while renewable sources provided an incredible 44% of EU power – including solar, wind, and hydroelectric. With the European Commission proposing a target of 90% emissions reduction by 2040, there’s a way to go, but the move towards renewable sources is evident.
If you’re guilty of changing your voice when talking to your four-legged friend, don’t worry. Not only are you in good company, but research in Communications Biology suggests dogs actually respond better when owners use ‘baby talk’. The study discovered similarities between how infant and dog brains react to speech with this high-pitched tone, and exaggerated expression, with the ‘sound-processing’ regions of dogs brains responding more to this than ‘adult talk’. So, if you want to connect more deeply with your dog, or just have them listen to you better, perhaps lose your inhibitions and parler in baby talk with your pooch.
If you prefer to quickly duck out of a party, rather than make the rounds with goodbyes, UNSW’s Time Management Institute claims this could actually save you two whole days per year!
In a twist on the ‘kids go free’ offer, airline EasyJet has launched ‘grans go free’ packages. The initiative was instigated following a poll that found 56% of British adults “regretted not spending more time with their grandparents”. This new concept allows families with at least one child on the booking, to bring along a grandparent, helping to build that valuable relationship.
New AI-led research is challenging the idea that every fingerprint is unique –and the findings could help to solve crimes. Scientists at Columbia University trained an AI tool to review 60,000 fingerprints, to see if it could identify which fingerprints belong to the same individual – and it did so with 75–90% accuracy. In real world terms, it means the tool could be used to identify whether two fingerprints found at a crime scene belong to the same person or not. It puts a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘caught red handed’.
Scientists from Texas have discovered a new method to destroy cancer cells, with 99% effectiveness. The study, published in Nature Chemistry, shows that vibrating molecules using a near-infared light causes them to break bonds with cancer-causing cells. The findings offer a new route to treating cancer, with promising prospects.
Proving you’re never to old to learn new things, 95-year-old retired psychiatrist, Dr David Marjot, has broken the record to become Kingston University’s oldest graduate. Now he’s deciding what to study next!
Whether you’re partial to penne, or craving conchiglie, we have good news for pasta lovers. A recent study has provided scientific evidence that eating pasta can increase happiness, likening the ‘emotionalcognitive state’ it puts us in to that of listening to music or watching sports – and could potentially even have a greater effect.
Marinara-vellous!
We’re used to being the main character in the movie of our lives, but what happens when we realise we’re a background actor in others’?
Writing | Kat NichollsHave you ever found yourself in a public space, wondering what passing strangers are doing with their day? Perhaps you’ve made up intricate back stories for them in your head, as you imagine the rich and complex lives they’re living.
I admit, this is something I do often (usually when sitting in my local cafe between sips of mocha). Part of it is likely due to my hobby of writing fiction, but I think we all have an innate curiosity about others’ stories. We can so easily become wrapped up in the drama of our own lives, it can be a relief sometimes to realise we’re nothing more than a passing stranger to others.
Recently, I discovered a word that has been ascribed to this sensation: ‘sonder’. Defined as: “Sonder – noun. The realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.” The concept revolves around the idea that there could
be “an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”
Now, you won’t find this definition in a standard dictionary, instead, you’ll find it in the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, penned by Minnesota author John Koenig, who coined hundreds of words to encapsulate specific feelings we have no words for in English. Being able to put language to the way we feel can be powerful, allowing us to describe the indescribable.
Sonder gives us a word for a particular type of connection that can have a profound impact on our wellbeing. If you’ve ever experienced anxiety or depression, for example,
recognising sonder could be helpful.
If your head is spinning with worries, and you’re imagining everything that could go wrong, taking a moment to be anonymous, and watch others go about their daily lives, can offer a sense of perspective. This may pull you out of your worry spiral, even if only for a brief moment. Likewise, if your mood is low and you’re feeling isolated, being in a public space and spotting sparks of sameness between you and passersby can help you revel in the tapestry of life (and your important part in it).
Sonder can also encourage compassion, as being more attuned to those you encounter, and shifting your perspective to theirs, can help you develop empathy and a sense of care. There are numerous studies on the benefits of compassion, from its positive impact on our mental health to how it improves physical health by warding off
stress and loneliness, as seen in research from 2021 published in Translational Psychiatry.
This sense for encouraging connections, and countering loneliness, comes from sonder’s ability to give us the nudge we need to reach out and speak to passersby now and then. According to a study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, those who engage in conversation with strangers actually report greater levels of life satisfaction.
So then, how can we embrace sonder in our lives a little more, and reap the benefits?
This is something fiction writers like to do, but it can be a fun exercise for anyone. When you’re in a public space, allow your eyes and mind to wander to those around you. Take a pen and paper, and make notes about their imagined characters. What could their name be? What might >>>
their passions be? What could they be struggling with? Let your imagination run free, and get swept up in someone else’s story for a while.
Curiosity helps us engage with life more fully and, at its heart, sonder is about following that curiosity.
Imagine the lives the people you pass by are living: how might they be similar to yours? How might they be different? Take an interest in others; ask your barista how their day is going, compliment the cool shoes your fellow bus passenger is wearing, and find out if the person in the park is enjoying their book as much as you did when you read it.
A small caveat here is that not everyone will be super comfortable with talking to
someone they haven’t met. So, if you get a short reply or no answer, move on and know it’s nothing personal.
We all hold biases and beliefs about others, even if they’re largely unconscious. These can manifest as knee-jerk judgements about what a person is like. If you notice this happening, try to gently question yourself. Is there any evidence that your judgement is right? What alternative could you imagine?
As you start to be more curious about others, and question your judgements, you may notice you feel more compassionate towards others. Try to tap into that sense of compassion with yourself, too. Ask yourself if you would treat
Whether you’re the lead or a background actor, this movie wouldn’t be the same without you
others the way you treat yourself. Remind yourself of your place in this complex web of connections, and how important it is to take care of yourself so you can support others.
Ultimately, sonder serves as a reminder that even the briefest moments of connection hold power – a smile at a stranger, a coin tossed to a busker – and that we all have an important role to play. Whether you’re the lead or a background actor, this movie wouldn’t be the same without you.
Beyond an opportunity to unlock deep bliss, gifting releases a surge of emotions that contribute to our wellbeing, self-esteem, and sense of purposeWriting | Lara Green
One of the most memorable gifts I’ve received is a handmade photo book from my school friends. Aptly titled This is Your Life, it documented our years together from child to adulthood, recalling some of our most treasured memories. Bound in a hardback cover, it still sits on my shelf now, begging to be pulled out and pored over when I’m chasing a little sentimental reflection.
It’s special to me because it was made with intention. And I have it on good authority that my friends had an absolute blast compiling it – reliving memories
as they sourced and placed the images, constructed the (often hilarious) captions, and got creative with the design.
I liken it to how Amelié Poulain must have felt when she finds the childhood treasure belonging to the former occupant of her apartment, in Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s movie, Amelié. Returning the memorabilia to its rightful owner – and witnessing his subsequent joy and newfound perspective –she commits herself to others, delivering acts of kindness that transform the lives of the people around her. But in the act of giving, it’s Amelié who transforms the most.
The message here is that, while it’s amazing to be the lucky recipient of a gift, it’s as the giver of those gifts – the crafter of the gesture – where the sky-high joy can be found.
Gifting is a tradition engrained in many cultures, and beneath its surface lies some fascinating psychological benefits. An expression of love and gratitude, it acknowledges the significance of our relationships, shifting us away from ego, and rewards us with a wonderful ‘warm glow’.
Developed by American economist James Andreoni, >>>
‘warm-glow giving’ is a theory that explores the emotional reward of giving to others. His study, published in The Economic Journal in 1990, places us into two categories: ‘impurely altruistic’, where we maintain both altruistic and egoistic motivations for giving that reward us for the contributions we make; or ‘pure altruists’, who are motivated solely by the desire to give.
A 2019 study by The University of Sussex, published in NeuroImage, further explores the neural processes associated with altruistic and strategic giving, concluding that – irrespective of why we give – both types are destined to benefit others, and are consistently rewarding to the giver, triggering the ‘helpers high’ that naturally follows an act of kindness.
It’s believed that both giving and receiving gifts activates the core areas of our brain associated with reward and pleasure, stimulating the neurotransmitter dopamine. When we give, we bring happiness to ourselves and others, experiencing what’s often referred to in psychological circles as ‘vicarious reward’.
Through witnessing something positive happening to another person, we vicariously experience that person’s pleasure, too. It’s a wonderful way to lean into compassion, with long-lasting benefits for both gift-giver and recipient.
When we think of a gift, we often picture a box wrapped in beautiful
paper with a bow around it. And while these types of gifts are wonderful – especially if it’s something we need or desire –there is so much more to gifting than the simple sharing of objects.
Pablo Picasso reportedly once said: “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” Here, gifting is viewed through the lens of shared experience. The artist teaching watercolour, the baker sharing a
secret recipe, the pianist playing a beautifully composed piece and then walking his protégées through the score. These shared skills are tangible symbols of care that enhance our human connection, lifting us emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Then, there are activities and experiences, such as scenic hikes, homemade picnics, Ikebanastyle flower arranging, and hygge nights in. All of these provide the gift of time together, as well as deepening connections through shared experience.
Perhaps the greatest gift of all, though, is the capacity to use our voice and actions to enrich others’ lives. Complimenting a stranger, telling a friend how much they mean to you, helping somebody who is struggling. These words and actions carry so much value, and it’s perhaps here, in this space and via these gestures, where the most authentic ‘warm glow’ can be found.
So, where will you start? What will you say and do today? Who will the lucky recipient be? Try these eight creative gift ideas and see how they enhance self-worth, along with those all-important human connections.
From day trips to honing skills, hobbies, and climbing mountains, planning adventures shows you have actively listened to what your friend wants in life, and is
an emotionally uplifting way to deepen your connection through shared experience.
Write a heartfelt note
In a world where WhatsApp reigns supreme, a handwritten note carries real value. What have they taught you? What qualities make them unique? Putting pen to paper provides time to reflect on what you want to say, and is a beautiful way to deepen your bond.
Carving out time for a catch up –even if it’s just an hour – can provide a valuable emotional boost. Head to a café or meet in the park for a quick life catch-up.
If food could dish out hugs, bread would almost certainly be at the front of the queue! Try your hand at a country boule, show your skills with a clever crust, or get a starter established and go for sourdough. For gluten-free friends, there are tons of recipes online.
Make a preserve or pickle
Jams, chutneys, and pickles equal a direct route to the heart of foodie friends. It’s a good idea to work with what’s in season for the ultimate
relationships
flavour experience, buying the ingredients locally, and making it in batches so you can create a few jars at once.
Create a bespoke box of memories
Housing old letters, postcards, photos, and memorabilia in a box can provide a wonderful trip down memory lane. Scour charity shops for delightful boxes, and drop the finished package on your friend’s doorstep.
Whether it’s herbs and greens grown on your windowsill, or a posy made from wildflowers in the garden, homegrown gifts are light on your carbon footprint, but big on purpose and satisfaction.
Got a friend who loves to crochet, make clothes, or bake? Collating objects that represent their hobby says you believe in their passion as much as they do, and are fully invested in it as a mindful form of therapy for them.
Lara Green is a writer, recipe creator and sourdough bread teacher. Follow her on Instagram @_fromthegreenkitchen
How to make sustainable and environmentally-friendly swaps for every occasion. It’s time to let loose and paint the town greenWriting | Rebecca Thair
Whether it’s a birthday, anniversary, new job, house, graduation, or any other kind of milestone moment, celebrating life’s highlights with your nearest and dearest is a wonderful thing –but have you ever thought about how you could better honour our environment in unison?
Bright colourful bursts from these items can feel like a ‘wow’ moment at an event. But their impact on the environment is spectacularly bad. Coloured smoke bombs have become increasingly popular for gender reveals and wedding photography, but the components making them include various chemicals, such as synthetically made potassium nitrate – the production of which emits high levels of greenhouse gases, and damages the environment once broken down in the earth.
It’s reported that the UK alone sees a 30% increase in waste over the Christmas period, and when you consider the decorations, disposable cutlery, unwanted presents, and uneaten food that amasses through various other events throughout the year, it doesn’t paint the prettiest picture for our planet.
Likewise, fireworks contribute to noise pollution (often distressing for wildlife), as well as the obvious collection of harmful chemicals, and metallic compounds needed to spark such vivid aerial displays, which can contaminate water supplies when falling back to the ground.
While there are ‘eco-friendly fireworks’ that release fewer emissions, these are still not fully ‘green’. Instead you could go to light displays, blow bubbles (ideally using a homemade environmentally-friendly washing
So, here we’re revealing more sustainable and eco-friendly swaps for your next celebration. This is most definitely not about cutting back on having a good time, simply some suggestions for how to be more mindful while you do it. Now that’s something we can all raise a glass to!
up liquid to be more conscious of ingredients), throw biodegradable confetti (often made from dried flowers), or have disco lights in your home.
Avoid: Balloons
Foil balloons tend to be those fun novelty shapes, or often longer-lasting, but the Mylar they’re produced from isn’t biodegradable, and can’t be put into your normal recycling. The typical balloons you might picture in a bunch or archway decoration are made from latex, which can be a natural material, but doesn’t biodegrade easily – it’s reported that even those marketed as ‘biodegradable’ can take up to four years to decompose. The Marine Conservation Society has even stated that it’s found an average of “three balloons per 100m during [its] Great British Beach Clean”. Additionally, animals can get caught up in any attached ribbon or string, and often mistake the balloon for food, which can cause death if ingested.
Instead: Bunting and banners
The great thing about this swap is that you can really personalise
Avoid: Plastic favours
It can be tricky to know what to provide as party favours, whether it’s a kid’s birthday, or a thank you to wedding guests. And while novelty gifts can be a fun conversation starter, if they’re produced from plastic, or overly packaged, their impact on the planet can linger on a lot longer.
it and get crafty in the process. You might enjoy sewing and want to create reusable fabric bunting to whip out for a variety of occasions through the year. You could weave some woollen pom poms into a garland to bring out again at the next bash. Or you could go down a paper route and use recycled materials to create personalised event banners, paper streamers, or experiment with origami to make unique and inventive decorative items such as paper flower bouquets, birds, or stars.
Instead: Savour the sentimental It’s a cliche, but it really is the thought that counts. You could print a picture you love featuring a guest, make a friendship bracelet they can keep, bake a sweet treat they’ll love, or think longer term with a pack of seeds to grow and think of you as they tend to it.
Baked with love is an expression for a reason, showing the thought you’ve put into things –even if the decoration isn’t up to professional standards. This also means you have control over ingredients, to ensure they’re locally sourced.
Depending on the event and location, you might want to coordinate ride shares or direct people to local public transport routes.
As much as possible, look to reduce waste, and dispose of what you can’t properly. This could include sending guests home with leftovers, recycling, and finding new ways to display decorations after the occasion.
When it comes to talking about mental health, it can sometimes be hard to find the right words. The feelings seem too big, the experiences too complex – how could we possibly articulate all that?
While it can be tricky to do, something that the Happiful team have seen in the past seven years we’ve been publishing our magazine is that taking the time to find those words is invaluable.
The act of talking and writing about mental health supports us on two fronts. Each word on the page can help to untangle the knot in our minds, and every experience shared has the potential to reach the right person – letting them know that they’re not alone in whatever it is they’re going through. Done right, words aren’t so small. In fact, they’re often mighty.
With that in mind, we’re delighted to share the winning and shortlisted poets for the Happiful Poetry Prize 2024.
Launched in the autumn of 2023, the aim of the prize was to celebrate mental health and wellbeing writing of the highest standard.
We received more than 400 entries of outstanding quality – many of which were from writers who were new to poetry, some of whom sent us the first poem they had ever written. The Happiful team had the pleasure of reading each and every one of them before narrowing them down to one winner and four runner-ups.
The poems you will read dotted throughout this issue cover a range of topics and experiences, each one effortlessly tapping into the nuance of mental health. They are authentic, intriguing, thought-provoking, and challenging – and we are delighted to bring them into the spotlight as examples of poetry that inspire conversation and affect change.
Our winning poem, by José Buera, explores the experience
of navigating mental health problems in a relationship, effortlessly using form to immerse the reader in the scenes and exploring its topic with expert dexterity.
On our shortlist, Anthony Leyton zooms in on the moment of reaching breaking point, when the weight of daily life is overwhelming. In the poem ‘bipolar is not a tragedy’, Éloïse Armary rewrites the story on this often stigmatised condition. Suchandrika Chakrabarti perfectly captures an everyday experience of grief in a subtle and touching way. And Natalie Davies offers hope and reflection while writing about a moment of self-growth in ‘Illuminated’.
We hope you read, re-read, savour, and reflect on these poems, just like we did. And, if you feel inspired, keep an eye out for the return of the Happiful Poetry Prize later in the year. Words can change the world. Why shouldn’t they come from you?
You serve your initials, letting them fall like tennis balls:
but they don’t bounce not even the O. springs, it thuds
C. rolls away without encore
a static D. is left exposed but we both refuse to see it
Disorder is not the right word for either of us order is my ambidextrous confusion dyslexia scrambles A.S.D. into social anxiety but I am not shy
I just don’t understand your mouth not understanding the fractals my dirty socks make on the lounge floor
Dirt corrals your long hairs that fall everywhere dust bunnies to entangle each other’s manias:
yours compels you to rearrange my poetry books by size and colours, languages ignored movements rejected with the common law marriage of Bukowski to Neruda
mine begs you for a smile to appreciate as threat or love
or both only understood in my stimming of perfectly cubed s h a l l o t s
and my rocking at the dinner table
We kiss but I touch your hair – a broken boundary punished with a week of silence
In the absence of your voice everything is overload where a blush brush on a grater electrocutes my spine like thunder in rain
One day passes, concerned you won’t tweeze my beard again you write a letter to reset the score:
love all as we laugh in the common comfort of anxiety
Take things up a notch by incorporating some aromatherapy. The best scents for relaxation are lavender, lemongrass, and ylang-ylang.
Try these on someone else, or subtly send them the routine to treat you…
1. Pour some oil or body lotion into your hands, and rub them together to warm it up and spread it across your palms.
2. Begin at the lower back. Move your hands up both sides of the spine towards the shoulders.
3. When you reach the shoulders, move your hands in a circular motion, following the shoulder blade.
4. Pause at the top of the shoulders, and gently wrap your fingers over them, applying some pressure as you massage them.
5. Return your hands to the top of the spine and rub them down to the base. Repeat this routine until total relaxation is achieved.
Following conflict, do you find yourself ruminating on what could have gone differently? Perhaps it’s time to explore your relationship with confrontation
Writing | Kathryn WheelerYou had a row with a friend of yours where things got pretty heated, and strong emotions were present. You arrive home and close the door behind you when, after replaying the scenario for the 10th time in your mind, you finally think of the perfect comeback.
It’s such a common experience that the French even have an expression for it: ‘l’esprit d’escalier’, meaning ‘the spirit of the stairs’. This emerged after French encyclopedist and philosopher Denis Diderot described a confrontation that left him speechless, until he came to himself again when he reached the bottom of the stairs, and suddenly found the words he was looking for. In Russian, the saying ‘zadnim umom krepki’, translating to ‘our hindsight is strong’, captures a similar feeling. And, in English, ‘afterwit’ describes wisdom that comes to us after it is of any use.
But beyond moments of relatable comedy, sometimes, it
can feel really hard to let go of conflict, as we find ourselves drawn to reliving the scenario over and over again in our minds – imagining all the ways it could have gone differently. We might also term this feeling as ‘conflict regret’, covering the experience of holding on to, and replaying, conflict after it has happened, and feeling unable to let it go.
A degree of rumination is to be expected. After all, even healthy conflict isn’t exactly pleasant. However, studies have found links between rumination and negative mental health effects, including in research published in Behaviour Research and Therapy, which found that rumination can exacerbate negative feelings by magnifying and prolonging negative mood states, interfering with problemsolving, and maintaining physiological stress responses.
There’s nothing immediately wrong with dwelling on the perfect comeback following
an altercation – but, what does a healthy relationship with conflict look like, and how can we learn how to let go? David Woolfson is a counsellor and anger specialist. For David, the behaviours associated with conflict regret are something that he sees regularly and, he says, it all begins with the relationships we have with conflict in the first place.
“Conflict has a bad reputation,” he says. “But what is usually being talked about is ‘unhealthy conflict’. Unhealthy conflict is then often followed by conflict regret, synonymous with toxic shame. This can be a lifelong pattern. Conversely, healthy conflict is an essential part of our progress and personal growth, and can be learned.”
David shares how, in his therapeutic work, clients frequently display unhealthy patterns around conflict and shame, which leads them to dive into questions such as: ‘What do I put in the way of intimacy?’
And: ‘How can I learn to give and receive love?’
“Recognising the roots of shame is vital for healthy interaction,” David explains. “This involves facing uncomfortable truths about ourselves to present authentically to others. Toxic shame, the belief that one is inherently flawed (‘I am a mistake’) rather than having made an error (‘I have made a
mistake’), is driven by ingrained beliefs, and stories that are generally neither true nor kind. These usually stem from our past, childhood experiences, and traumatic imprints, which we embody and carry unconsciously. Such unacknowledged narratives hinder our growth into adulthood, and affect our ability to form intimate, healthy relationships.”
The way that this sense of shame links to conflict regret is in how it can manifest in other behaviours, such as, David suggests, perfectionism at any cost, striving for control, rage, arrogance, rationalising, criticism, blame, judgement, contempt, patronising, caretaking, rescuing, envy, and people-pleasing. “These behaviours, while seemingly
protective, obstruct intimacy and connection, leading to unhealthy conflict, followed by regret,” David explains.
Following a confrontation, when the adrenaline fades from your body, you may suddenly be able to see things more clearly – coming to that moment where you think of ways you could have done things differently. It’s at this point when you may suddenly stumble across the perfect comeback, but it can also come with some more challenging feelings, too.
“You contemplate the consequences of your behaviour,” David says. “You see the effect on spouses, children, and colleagues. Like a leaking balloon, you slowly fade and collapse telling yourself ‘I’m such an idiot, I’ve done it again, how can I be such a…’ And, typically, ‘I should have known better.’”
In the heat of the moment, the ‘right’ words may escape us, but there are things that we can plan to do in order to achieve a healthier and more helpful approach to conflict. If things are getting heated, there’s nothing wrong with asking to take a moment to yourself, to gather your thoughts. You may also want to consider the patterns you tend to repeat each time you’re in a scenario like this, and then see if you can break it down to address some of the underlying issues that may come up, perhaps with the help of a wellbeing professional.
“Importantly, for some people unhealthy conflict is their primary means of making contact,” David explains. “Acting out can be their only way of defining who they are, usually ‘against’ another. For some people, this is often carried into adulthood. These entrenched behavioural patterns create physical paths in the brain, which are difficult to modify later in life.
“Conflict regret perpetuates a cycle of unhealthy behaviour and unkind attitudes toward oneself, others, and the world. By externalising our shame, we can separate from it, and separate from our harsh inner critic, allowing us to reality-test the beliefs associated with it. Honesty and openness in sharing our experiences with others can help us overcome the limitations of these outdated narratives.”
On a practical level, you can also take steps to break down the drive to be the ‘winner’ in a confrontation, ensuring you address the core of the issue and work towards a resolution. You can consider using language that is less accusatory, and centre the conversation on your feelings, rather than the shortcomings of the other person – for example: ‘I felt hurt when you were late, as it makes me feel like our friendship isn’t a priority to you.’ Rather than: ‘You don’t care about our friendship because you’re always late.’ When you learn to let go of the idea of coming out on top, you’ll likely find that the time you spend ruminating on the issue decreases.
“Conflict
regret and shame are impediments to personal growth and improved interpersonal skills,”
says David. “Embracing all parts of ourselves, especially the aspects we find challenging, is crucial. It is OK to make mistakes, they are an essential part of our learning and development process – to be imperfect is to be human.”
So, next time you find yourself agonising over the perfect comeback that could have won you the argument, take a moment to reflect on your relationship with conflict, and the ways it weaves its way into your behaviour. You may find that the ideal comeback could be more like: “Let’s talk this one out.”
David Woolfson is a psychotherapist and anger specialist. Discover more on his profile on the Counselling Directory.
in his later years my cake could bring him to tears isn’t it a miracle to love and be loved like that and no less of a miracle because it can’t happen again but today for 35 minutes at gas mark 4 i felt that he was near accepted that he wasn’t held both in my hands i let the sky darken outside i let time pass and watched it create a small piece of sweet magic in my oven even as it continued destroying worlds elsewhere time is never wasted have a slice with me
Could embracing ancient Japan’s concept of short, seasonal moments offer an emotional balm for modern-day souls?
Writing | Kerry Law Illustrating | Rosan MagarShall we meet-up when ‘rain moistens soil’, or perhaps you’re free when ‘frogs start singing’? I’m busy around the time ‘peonies bloom’, but might book a getaway when ‘thunder ceases’. Confused?
Well, you too could use these rather cryptic descriptions if you scheduled your life around an ancient calendar – that of Japan’s microseasons.
In the UK, we make do with spring, summer, autumn, and winter. But in ancient Japan, they divided the year into more specific periods – a copious 72 in all.
Based on a format originating from the Chinese calendar, which itself follows 24 categories, the Japanese added a further three subdivisions under each category to mark specific events in the natural world throughout the year. This created 72 microseasons, each around five days long.
These fleeting periods of time were given poetic names by
the 17th century astronomer Shibukawa Shunkai. For example: within the season Risshun (beginning of spring) is the microseason ‘east wind melts ice’; following the spring equinox, Seimei (meaning ‘pure and clear’) contains ‘wild geese fly north’; Taisho (‘greater heat’) harbours five days of ‘earth is damp, air is humid’; in October, Kanro (‘cold dew’) welcomes ‘crickets chirp around the door’; while Toji (winter solstice) heralds ‘deer shed their antlers’.
Of course, Japan’s microseasons are shaped by the country’s unique ecology and climate. In the UK, we may not hear crickets chirping in October, but we do have our own specific seasonal moments: the days when snowdrops emerge, or the week when your garden is full of dewladen spider webs. It could even be personal to you, such as the cluster of mornings when the sunlight perfectly falls on your favourite chair.
It’s a beautiful ancient concept, but here’s how it could also be an emotional balm for 21st century life…
“While the broader benefits of green spaces on mental health are well-documented, the act of observing microseasons amplifies these effects,” says psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist Ella McCrystal. “Engaging with nature in this intentional manner can magnify feelings of tranquillity, and reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and mental fatigue. “We are constantly bombarded with stimuli, often causing us to overlook the subtle and intricate changes that occur in nature around us. The concept of microseasons provides an opportunity to reconnect with the natural world on a deeper, more mindful level. Observing small and distinct phases of the year can serve as a potent therapeutic tool, offering numerous benefits to our psychological wellbeing,” she adds. >>>
To explore the full list of microseasons, search ‘Japanese microseasons’ on nippon.com.
With that in mind, here are just a few benefits of focusing on microseasons.
“The very act of observing subtle shifts in nature encourages mindfulness,” Ella explains. “By attuning ourselves to these changes, whether it’s the first bloom of a specific flower, or the initial hint of autumnal chill, we cultivate a heightened sense of presence. This mindfulness can counteract feelings of overwhelm and anxiety, rooting us in the present moment.”
Eloise Skinner, psychotherapist, author, and yoga instructor, agrees: “Microseasons anchor us in the present moment, helping us avoid excessive reflection on the past, or over-analysis of a potential future.”
In our busy lives, it’s common to feel that time is moving too quickly. Chronophobia, the fear of the passage of time, can cause us to feel sad or anxious about something we have no control over. Observing microseasons may help.
Eloise says: “If we feel time is slipping away, it can make us feel overwhelmed, resentful, or nostalgic. Focusing on changes that are happening right in front of us can deliver a slowed-down sense of time. Once we bring our mind fully into what is happening in the ‘now’, we’re much less likely to feel as though time is rapidly passing us by.”
Often, when we’re in a bad place mentally, it can feel endless. However, Ella explains: “The natural life cycle within the environment reminds us that everything comes to an end. There is always hope, new life, and rebirth – when something ends, something new begins. We can choose to focus our hopes and intentions on the new, rather than losing ourselves in the past.
“Acknowledging this teaches us lessons about the transitory nature of life, and the importance of allowing space for change and growth.”
Watching nature reminds us that we are all part of the bigger picture. “By observing microseasons, we align ourselves with the natural rhythm of Earth,” Ella says. “This can instil a feeling of connectedness, reminding us that we’re part of a larger system. Feeling interconnected can combat feelings of isolation and loneliness.”
To make the most of this array of benefits, here are three simple, but effective ways to take note of microseasons, and embrace the moment.
• Get outside every day: To notice small seasonal changes, it’s best to get outside and benefit from fresh air, natural light, and exposure to nature – all
proven to be good for our physical and mental health. Whether walking, running, or cycling, explore your favourite green space to spot natural transformations every few days.
• Keep a journal: This could be written, photos on your phone, or a mix of both. Engage the senses, and document any weekly changes in your natural environment – from the feel of the air to the appearance of plants, or the sound of birds and insects. If you spot any clusters of commonality, have a go at naming your own microseasons (‘slippery leaf week’ anyone?).
• Create a ritual: Eloise suggests marking the end of one microseason and the beginning of another by performing your own little ceremony or ritual, alone or with friends or family, to symbolically accept the changing nature of life.
Ella explains: “Rituals provide a sense of structure and predictability, which are key components for mental stability. Recognising the fleeting nature of each microseason can foster a sense of gratitude. As we appreciate the uniqueness of each phase, we become more thankful for the present, knowing it will soon transition into something different. This gratitude can act as a buffer against depressive thoughts and enhance overall life satisfaction.”
The feelings wheel is a visual tool that covers a variety of emotions that a human can experience. Awareness of it can help deepen your understanding of complex emotions, offer ways to describe your emotional weather, and aid you in healthy communication with others.
While there are lots of different ‘feelings wheel’ examples, the most famous is the Plutchik wheel, created by psychologist Robert Plutchik. The wheel breaks down eight core emotions into polarising pairs: anger/fear; disgust/acceptance; joy/sadness; and expectation/surprise.
In this theory, emotions move up and down a spectrum of intensity, with emotions on the outer edges feeling milder, while those in the centre are more intense. It’s worth noting that emotions that sit close together on the wheel have more in common, which is why it might be hard to find just one word to define how you feel. But if you’re keen to learn more and broaden your emotional horizons, here are five ways you can use the feelings wheel to benefit you...
The simplest way to get started with the feelings wheel is to use it as a way to give voice to your emotions. This can be helpful if you get frustrated about being unable to pinpoint your mood.
Start by scanning over all the emotions on the wheel, and settle on the one closest to how you feel. There is no right answer here; the wheel is a springboard for you to dive into the complexity of your emotions.
Try writing the word down, and using it as a way to validate your own experience. Alternatively, think about how you would comfort someone else who is feeling this emotion.
When you have words to label how you feel, it can take you out of your emotional brain and into your logical brain, which adds a degree of separation – and the opportunity to see your emotions from a different perspective.
If you want to open up to someone about your mental health, but struggle to find the right words, try looking at the
feelings wheel before you start. Pick out the emotion closest to the one you’re feeling and tell a friend. If you’re going through a period of grief, your friends may not know that your most intense feeling today is fear. Once you can articulate this, your friends can get a deeper understanding of your pain, and be more equipped to offer support. Getting familiar with the feelings wheel can also give you a wider understanding of how others might feel, so when you are talking to someone, give them space to explore the nuances of their emotional experience in a non-judgemental way.
Have you had an emotional reaction that seemed disconnected from what was actually happening? Perhaps accidentally burning your toast has sent you into floods of tears, or you’ve had a blank reaction to bad news. Giving words to these emotions can help you delve deeper into your inner world, and understand your triggers better. For example, someone with PTSD might find silence scary. Naming
this emotion can give them a way to explore the root cause with a professional therapist, and work towards finding healthy coping mechanisms.
4. Make positive changes
Once you’ve identified how you feel, you can use the feelings wheel as a tool for change. If you’ve argued with your colleague, you might say you feel angry. Search around the wheel for your desired emotion, the one that you’d like to cultivate in response. Perhaps you gravitate towards acceptance, which offers you a chance to explore
the feelings around this, such as trust, love, and submission. Can you use these feelings to inspire an action or series of actions that could resolve the conflict and help you process anger?
5. Track your emotions over time
When you’re emotionally overwhelmed it can seem never ending. Using the feelings wheel to give a name to your mood on a daily basis can, over time, give you paper evidence that no feeling lasts forever. Additionally, regular journaling about difficult emotions that persist will allow
you to see areas of your mental health that could benefit from professional support.
For example, after journaling on your emotions for six weeks, you may feel proud that you managed to ride through the sadness of a romantic break up, but notice that rage is a feeling that has persisted. That might be something you want to discuss with a trained therapist.
While the feelings wheel is a helpful resource, don’t get too hung up on where you fit into the wheel. It’s just a starting point, and the most important thing is that you avoid bottling up your feelings, and instead find ways to investigate and express them in a therapeutic way.
Fiona Fletcher Reid is a freelance writer and author, whose book, ‘Work It Out’ is available now (Welbeck Balance, £9.99). Visit fionalikestoblog.com for more.
How to spot the signs and adjust the balance when you feel your efforts with friends or relationships aren’t being reciprocated
Writing | Michelle ElmanWhen thinking about one-sided relationships, a specific conversation I had with a friend comes to mind. I was 19 years old, and a friend from university was upset because they felt another friend wasn’t putting in the same amount of effort with them. He said that his most important value in friendships and romantic relationships was reciprocity. I remember that conversation more than a decade later because, as a former peoplepleaser, it was the first time that I had ever even considered whether my friends were giving back to me in the same way I was giving to them. If you walk through the world wanting friends so badly, like I did, you never even stop to wonder if they are actually a good friend to you.
The same was true in my dating life. I would give so much in relationships to make them stay, but I never asked if they were doing the same for me. The reality
is if you are willing to go above and beyond for the people around you, there is usually a deep-seated issue that sits underneath it. In these situations, it is hard to reciprocate, because the reason you are going above and beyond is not purely out of love, but more out of fear of rejection and abandonment. By being seen as ‘useful’, you believe you will become more essential to someone else’s life. It wasn’t until I grew my self-esteem and started to believe that I deserved the same effort and energy that I was putting in, that I stopped to question all the relationships around me.
One of the main ways one-sided relationships can be noticeable is around who initiates things. If you are the only one striking up a conversation over text, or instigating plans to meet up, it can feel like you are the only one invested in the relationship.
We all want to feel wanted, but it’s important to remember that just because a person does not make the first move, doesn’t mean
they don’t care. Even if they don’t initiate, if they always pick-up, reply, and ultimately say yes to plans, they’re putting in effort. It’s understandable to want equal effort from our closest connections, but some people are naturally more gifted at planning and organising. We also have to remember that everyone goes through busy periods in their life where reaching out to others gets put on the back burner. So, it’s worth trying to recognise if this is a pattern of behaviour or a blip?
If you do feel like this one-sided effort is an ongoing issue and it’s getting to you, try to communicate that. Let the person know that you would appreciate it if they called more. Tell the person you’re dating that it’s their turn to make the plan, and how essential it is for you to feel like the effort you put in is being reciprocated.
Another point to consider, though, is that people can make an effort in different ways. You might call and initiate plans
A clear sign that a relationship is becoming one-sided is when communication fails to find a balance
more, but they might demonstrate their love by remembering your birthday or sending gifts when they know you are low. There are a variety of love languages that people can speak in order to show they care, but often we only notice the ways in which we demonstrate love or like to receive it, and overlook how others express themselves.
But a clear sign that a relationship is becoming one-sided is when communication fails to find a balance. If you notice that they only call or talk when it’s about them, it can start to feel like you are acting as a free ‘therapist’. Conversation should go two-ways, and if they never ask about you or what’s going
on in your life, then bring that to their attention.
I remember a friend who would often call after work, usually after a dilemma at her job had upset her. We’d chat through her problem, but by the time it seemed resolved and she asked how I was, suddenly she’d inform me that she had just got home, and would call back the next day. Only, she never would call back, that is until she had another problem to discuss.
After this happened a few times, I voiced my upset. I explained my feelings, and told her that it started to feel uneven. This conversation gave her the opportunity to notice the disparity in our relationship and change it.
It’s always better to be direct when you have an issue with the people in your life. Tell them what you want and give them a clear roadmap on how they can improve your relationship. Everyone has different expectations and things they value. Everyone has different boundaries, and if you tell people what you need then that’s a better assessment than seeing whether they can guess or notice that you’re annoyed with them. Ultimately, whether they adapt and change their behaviour upon understanding your concerns will determine whether the onesidedness was accidental, or a key feature in your relationship. Overall, what’s important to note in situations like this is the pattern. It’s impossible for every interaction to be exactly 50:50, but over the course of a relationship, it should even out. There will be times in a person’s life where they will need more support than you will, whether that’s mental health or a period of grief, but if that is not reciprocated in the long-term, it can quickly deteriorate the connection. In those situations, it’s crucial to know what you deserve: a relationship where the love goes both ways!
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love
SOPHOCLES
There are four boxes still sitting in my lounge long after the end of our threemonth renovation. It has been an exercise in logistics, but also a chance to (begrudgingly) rethink what I actually need in my life. Without finishing the task of sorting kitchen utensils, whose functions remain enigmatic, I have now delved into other rooms. I have found piles of school books, scraps of paper with teeny doodles, shells, pebbles, and countless paper maché creations. I have kept them because they prompt memories –small fingers unfurling to proudly show me a creation, or hours of digging my hands among pebbles on a beach to find the perfect shapes for a wobbly tower. Objects have power. They are evocative. Juliet Landau-Pope is a productivity coach and author of What’s Your Excuse for not Clearing Your Clutter? She says: “Material things tie us to the past, due to associations with both individual and collective memories. From
gifts that we receive on special occasions to souvenirs that we bring back from holidays, things trigger memories of meaningful moments.”
Even more than that, they place us within families, communities, and cultures. She adds: “The silver candlesticks inherited from my grandmother not only link me to my family traditions, they’re also part of my Jewish heritage.”
The BBC show, The Repair Shop, illustrates the power that objects have in helping us recall memories, and even re-live emotions. In the programme, objects are restored, but so too are memories, argues Chris McCarroll. An assistant professor of philosophy, and author of Remembering From the Outside: Personal Memory and the Perspectival Mind, he wrote a paper called Repair Shop of Memory. In it, he states: “These objects arrive as treasured possessions, which, despite their dilapidated state, still hold memories and meaning for their
owners, albeit memories that may have faded as the object itself has aged. Something magical seems to take place after the objects are restored, however. The restored objects seem to reanimate and revive the memories that their owners have invested in them.”
Chris McCarroll describes objects as “vibrant materials” that “help scaffold memories held by the subject”. They prompt our remembering, but they are also imbued with whatever we have invested in them – be it time, meaning, or emotion. But is this always positive? Can objects become emotional anchors, dragging us back to the past? Not all memories are positive, after all. Do we keep possessions that might prompt the painful instead of the joyful? McCarroll says this is tricky. He explains: “In some cases, it might be that the negative memory is important, and something we need to learn from and guide our future behaviour.” >>>
Professional declutterer and organiser, Siân Pelleschi adds that there is a differentiation here between objects that make us feel bad, and possessions that prompt sadness. “While it might sound strange, sadness can be a good thing to reflect on. I like to call it a happy sadness – for example, an object that reminds you of a loved person in your life who is no longer with you. These are positive memories.”
However, both recognise that some objects might just be too
triggering. In this case, move it from your home. “We can shape our environments and manipulate memory in this way, so that we might be less likely to remember some negative event if the object that can trigger it is removed from the external environment,” McCarroll says. But getting rid of possessions is far from an easy process. There is a fear that if we discard the object, we will lose the memory, too. In her work, Landau-Pope says that this is a
Siân Pelleschi is owner of Sorted!, and president of the Association of Professional Declutterers & Organisers (all-sorted.co.uk, APDO.co.uk). Here are her top tips:
• Keep the objects that prompt good memories. You’ll know which items these are by just looking at them or by touching them. Surrounding yourself with these positive memories will provide joy.
• Understand what you want to create in your environment – do you want the space to be filled with lots of happy memories, or just one or two? Do you want to be reminded of times gone by all the time, or just be reminded every now and again?
• Where there are more items than space allows to comfortably display, consider your home to be a working gallery. Curate your space with different themes or topics, and rotate your items to reflect those themes. These can be changed seasonally, quarterly, or yearly even, but this allows you to really see and enjoy what you have rather than squirrelling them away for another day.
• To not overwhelm your home, create groups of three items on open shelves with space in between. On walls you can create picture galleries in groups so that there is still open space for the eye to take in.
• Put items that you are not displaying into boxes, but make sure they’re accessible. Perhaps store them in their groups that you want to display together. Lastly, label all of the storage boxes so you know what’s in the box, and even when you might want to get them out.
huge concern for her more elderly clients. They feel guilty at even considering giving something away that someone they loved gifted them, and experience pain at the thought that their memories might be lost, too. It is a delicate process.
“I encourage them to explore other strategies, such as creating a memory box with a selection of items, or taking photos of things and compiling albums,” she says, along with suggesting that people share stories with their loved ones “to pass on memories not memorabilia”.
McCarroll suggests a curated approach. He explains: “If we have a number of meaningful objects from a place or time, my wife and I often try to choose one from this context, and get rid of the ones that seem less important. We pick the object that best captures an important memory.”
In her tips above, Pelleschi also advocates being selective. Have pieces on show that make you smile, but remember that the eye also likes to linger on clear spaces sometimes. A home packed full of treasures could become a space we cannot relax in, and struggle to function practically in, too. Our homes shouldn’t be museums.
McCarroll describes objects as “focal points of narratives, things to weave a family history around, and a means of keeping these stories and the memory of the original owner alive.” You can weave these objects into your home but also leave space for practical needs, calming elements, and for making new family history. It is a difficult balance to achieve but is a freeing process. As Landau-Pope states simply, our
Material things tie us to the past, due to associations with both individual and collective memories
homes should be places where we can “honour the past, aspire to the future, but focus on living in the present”.
Juliet Landau-Pope is a productivity coach, author and speaker. Get in touch via her profile on the Life Coach Directory.
I was overcome in the kitchen gut-punched, ducked and held hot-eyed under for what felt like it would become forever but, after the drowning, passed into numbness. It makes sense, I thought, what with the world the way it is: the hardnesses, the ease of hate.
And the last few months, relentless. The pace of change, the change of pace. Newnessess, gonenesses and all the goddamn admin.
And the bloody weather, the autumn rain, the afternoon night – the farmers’ darkness –winter like a knife at the throat.
And the hunger for something, for meaning, recognition, half a tube of Pringles. That ache for change. That inertia. Move without moving. Dream without doing. Then stop. ‘It’s enough to break anyone’, I told the kettle, all the while wondering that maybe it isn’t; maybe it’s just enough, today, to break me.
RUNNER-UP!
Anthony Leyton
For more from Anthony, follow @theunready on Instagram and @anthonyleyton on X
From a scientific book exploring the connection between food and mood to a gardening quiz book to step into spring with, embrace learning something new with these four reads
Writing | Lauren Bromley-BirdDo you feel like you never have enough energy to do the things that bring you joy? Maybe you feel as though you are low on spoons on a regular basis? If you’re nodding along to these questions, Pace Yourself might just be the toolkit you need to help you find balance and fulfilment in a fast-paced world.
Science journalist and awardwinning writer Amy Arthur has
The Food Mood Connection
by Dr Uma NaidooCan blueberries really help you alleviate the after-affects of trauma? Can boosting vitamin D intake truly help with anxiety? Dr Naidoo combines her expertise as a psychiatrist and former professional chef to show you just how profound the link between food and our mental health really is.
a secret up her sleeve that she wants you to know about, and it all comes down to the act of pacing yourself. It might seem obvious, but you’ll be really surprised how often we overlook this skill. When done correctly, it really is revolutionary in helping you manage your energy and transforming your life. After all, it was the tortoise that won the race by taking it slow and steady…
Little Things: A positive toolkit for when life feels stressful by Fearne Cotton Life is never completely stress-free, but it can be managed and relieved by the way we view, react, and adapt to the stressful situations we face.
Founder of Happy Place, Fearne Cotton, shows us how with her actionable steps. Note to self: it’s all in the little things…
Pace Yourself: How to have energy in an exhausting world by Amy Arthur
In her book, Amy dives into the science behind pacing yourself, and draws on her own experience of how it helped her manage ME –a long-term condition that affects the body’s energy levels.
RHS Puzzles & Brain Teasers for Gardeners
by Simon Akeroyd and Dr Gareth MooreWe all love a quiz book that can exercise our brain and get our cogs moving, so let’s step into spring with this book of botanical brain teasers and puzzles – perfect for keen gardeners, or anyone who loves to spend their time outdoors.
QWhat exactly is a life audit?
APersonal development coach Caroline Knight answers your questions on carrying out a life audit.
Read more about Caroline on Life Coach Directory.
Think of a life audit as a nurturing journey for yourself – an introspective and comprehensive way to assess many aspects of your life that, day-to-day, you might rarely focus on consciously. It involves
A You might feel stuck, not progressing, unfulfilled, or lacking purpose. This is a sure sign it’s time to stop and reflect more. You might feel overwhelmed, stressed, or emotionally drained by juggling a busy life. This is when
analysing and reviewing your personal and professional life, to direct your attention to your goals, values, habits, happiness, and satisfaction, to assess them.
This process helps raise your awareness, and gain a much clearer understanding of where you are right now and where you want to get to in life, and the
steps needed to get there. A life audit is about understanding your personal desires, acknowledging your strengths, re-evaluating, and setting a path that aligns with your most important values. It’s not just about where you are, but where you dream to be. Midlife is the perfect time to review and re-evaluate your life.
your wellbeing is challenged. It’s a sign to pause and take stock of what’s happening.
Perhaps you feel dissatisfied, unhappy with life, or adrift, unable to focus specifically on why.
Have you heard the phrase: “If you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same outcome?” Well, to create a different outcome, you need to
make a change. What needs to shift, or change focus, to better direct your attention and actions? And to alter life situations, or negative patterns, you are experiencing?
When goals are unachieved, if you’re uncertain about what you want or what’s important to you, you will find it difficult to get where you want to be.
AIt’s important to step back and review your life in broad sections. Do this first, before diving into each one in more detail. Split your life into different areas to help you categorise and understand priorities, and what’s most important to you, such as:
• Physical wellbeing. How are you caring for yourself? Look at physical health, diet, and exercise.
• Mental and emotional wellbeing. Review stress levels, coping mechanisms, and develop strategies and experiences for personal
relaxation, resetting, and revival.
• Consider your relationships. Are friends, family, and partners as you would wish them to be?
• Personal growth and development. What hobbies, skills, activities, or pastimes, energise and create joy for you, and offer personal growth.
• Career and education. Are you satisfied with your job or career path? Is your work fulfilling and nourishing?
• Financial security. Assess your financial health. Reflect on your financial journey and goals.
1. Gift yourself time for undistracted reflection.
2. Be honest and selfcompassionate. What you learn will serve you well in your quest for your happiest future self.
3. Stay positive and celebrate your unique abilities, focusing on your strengths and opportunities.
4. Embrace helpful tools to support you, such as journaling, and creative apps.
5. Regularly revisit your life audit. Life is fluid. Review and adapt your needs and desires, and revise your goals regularly to update your life goals as you evolve and grow.
The key to a life audit is to approach it with a curious and accepting mind, an open heart, and a willingness to embrace change and growth. Remember this is a lifelong journey about self-awareness. It is a process to continuously revise what you want for yourself now, and going forward. And to allow you to selfdirect your life positively, and with more choices.
Keeping up your creativity is easier said than done, and when you find yourself in a dip, it can feel difficult to get back on top – but it’s not impossible
Writing | Caroline ButterwickI’m sitting at my desk, staring at a blank Word document, hoping my fingers will start typing and a brilliant story will appear on my screen. Even though I feel fortunate to usually be full of ideas, I still face creative blocks – times when the blank page is daunting, or I feel uninspired.
Whether it’s composing a song or concocting a new recipe, creative blocks are common. We might find ourselves struggling to come up with ideas, or to make a start on a project. But, fortunately, there are steps we can take to break through them.
“The concept of creative blocks is much like performance anxiety: we’re consumed with rumination and anticipation before we’ve even started, but once we’ve made some progress, that feeling of being stuck often reduces or disappears altogether,” counsellor Caroline Misselbrook tells me. “We all have a voice within, the ‘inner critic’, that can either be compassionate and motivating or, more likely than not, harsh with unreasonably high expectations.”
This inner critic, Caroline explains, absorbs messages around creativity, whether from family, society, or education. “This part of us becomes more dominant when we are feeling anxious, faced with the blank page or before tackling any new project,” she says. “It’s as if this part of us is sitting in the driving seat making sure we don’t put a foot wrong to avoid any further criticism or embarrassment. There’s no room for mistakes or imperfections when this part is in charge, so we end up feeling frozen.”
Other emotions or beliefs can lead to creative blocks, too. “Perfectionism can be a way of people-pleasing, and avoiding conflict or a negative reaction from other people – perhaps you received abuse when you made a mistake, or were only ever praised when you got things 100% right,” says Caroline. “Our inner critic will berate us with the harsh words it’s learned to make sure we stay in line and aim for perfection when it comes to what we create, how productive we are, and the quality of our ideas. If it looks like we’re not going to achieve what it wants, then we are more likely to give up
at the first hurdle. This negative self-talk quickly drains our self-esteem. If we feel insecure, we may not feel safe to express ourselves through art or craft.”
Caroline recommends that we work with our inner critic by teaching it more compassionate ways of speaking to us.
“We must identify its comments as something separate from ourselves, as ‘thoughts not facts’,” she explains. “The best way to do this is to imagine whether you would say the same things you say about yourself to a loved one. It’s unlikely that you’d say: ‘You’re not good enough, what a failure!’ Then we can think of a kinder response such as: ‘You’ve learned so much from this, what do you think you’ll do differently next time you have a go?’”
Caroline also recommends trying creative exercises that force us to make mistakes and get in touch with our inner child. She explains: “In workshops, I often go through different activities that require students to scrunch or rip up their drawings, vandalise
CREATIVITY IS A MUSCLE, AND IT GETS EASIER ONCE YOU GET GOING
the work of the person next to them, use materials they’ve never tried before, make marks with their opposite hand, draw with their eyes closed, and then reflect on elements of the results that they find interesting. Often the best ideas are generated through this sort of liberating play and, in the process, we are convincing our inner critic that it’s safe to make mistakes, and undoing the messages that it’s been programmed with.”
Caroline recommends trying other creative and mindful activities to help reduce anxiety, boost your self-esteem, and fill up your ‘creativity cup’.
“It could be singing along to your favourite music, doing some weeding, growing something from seed on your windowsill, going out for a walk in nature, baking, cooking, redecorating, writing, reading, crafting, taking photographs on a lunchtime stroll, or having interesting conversations with friends,” Caroline says. “Perhaps a friend, family member, or colleague has a project they could use your input on, or you might find it useful to talk to them about your creative blocks and see if you can be accountability buddies.”
Sometimes, creative blocks can be a sign that we’re struggling
with our mental health. “We may be feeling more anxious or depressed and as though our inner critic has taken the driving seat with lots of negative self-talk and low selfesteem,” Caroline explains. “This self-doubt and feeling of being stuck we experience, could be seeping into other aspects of our lives, too, and affecting our hobbies, work, and relationships.” If this sounds familiar, you might like to look at getting support.
Faced with the blank page, I tell my inner critic that this doesn’t have to be perfect, and that I can go back and edit my words later.
Next time you’re feeling a creative block, remind yourself that it’s OK to just get something written, or painted, or crafted – that you don’t need to share it with anyone, that it’s about making a start. I’ve found that creativity is a muscle, and it gets easier once you get going.
I return to the Word document, and rather than searching my mind for a brilliant first line, I just start typing. Soon the words are flowing, and I am enjoying being creative.
We all know how it feels to be afraid. There’s a feeling of being off-balance, like you’re on the edge of a high-rise diving board with nowhere to go but down. Your heart rate increases, your breathing gets shallow, you might sweat and feel nauseous or dizzy.
For some, fear is a familiar companion, sitting alongside us for everyday activities, like joining a work meeting or leaving the house. For others, it’s a rare occurrence that barely scratches the surface of our day-to-day experience. However familiar you are with fear, it’s an important emotion.
One of our most primal emotions, fear alerts us to danger. All of those physical reactions are part of our fightor-flight response, helping us to react when danger is near to keep us safe. Having said that, fear can evolve from a protective guard dog to a towering monster. Instead of protecting us from physical danger, it might see everything around it as a potential threat, attaching itself
to situations and objects that don’t need it.
Fear can also be a symptom of mental health conditions like anxiety, panic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. It can stem from a traumatic experience, or it can be a learned behaviour.
Some of us will have personality traits that make us more prone to fear responses, while others will seek fear out as a source of joy. Those who enjoy the thrills of an adrenaline rush can find a sense of exhilaration from fear by doing things like jumping out of planes, riding roller coasters, and watching scary films. This is the interesting thing about fear: it can elicit the same physical reaction in people, but their emotional response may be entirely different.
Sometimes fears can develop into phobias. While the difference between fears and phobias is hotly debated, the general consensus is that a phobia is a specific fear about a particular situation or object that consistently causes distress. Typically the fear felt in phobias is disproportionate to the actual threat the object/situation
poses. Examples of common phobias include claustrophobia (fear of small spaces), arachnophobia (fear of spiders) and acrophobia (fear of heights).
As we’ve discussed, fear can be a helpful emotion. It becomes a problem when we become stuck in it, and it prevents us from doing what we want to do. It may hold us back from living our lives fully, making our worlds smaller. What can keep us stuck here is experiential avoidance. This is when we avoid the feeling of fear, by avoiding the objects or situations that make us fearful. Experiential avoidance is something we do to keep ourselves ‘safe’. By avoiding fearful or difficult feelings, we avoid perceived danger. This could include saying no to social events, not travelling for holidays or work, or closing ourselves off to opportunities.
The problem is, when we avoid what we’re afraid of, we can become more fearful of it. The avoidance gives it power, making it more difficult to face and break free from.
When it comes to moving past fear, the only way out is through. As much as we’d like to be able to step over it, slink under it, or neatly side-step it, as we’ve learnt, avoidance keeps us stuck. We need to face our fear to move through it, and instead of scurrying around in experiential
avoidance, sit patiently in experiential acceptance.
Experiential acceptance is where we allow ourselves to feel fear, without judgement. When we do this, fear begins to dissipate as we dilute the potency of the emotion. These ideas can be investigated yourself or with the support of a therapist
who offers acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) – a type of therapy designed to help with experiential acceptance.
Other therapeutic approaches that can help with fear include eye movement desensitisation and reprogramming (EMDR), exposure therapy, and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Hypnotherapy can also be a powerful tool, especially the Rewind Technique. Often, these treatments will all involve elements of exposure, whether in real life or your mind, to help reduce the fear response.
Alongside working with a professional, self-care can go a long way in supporting you when facing fears. This includes making sure you get plenty of sleep (our emotions can feel heightened when tired), reducing foods/drinks that increase anxiety (for example, caffeine) and grounding ourselves with mindfulness activities like meditation (this can help us separate ourselves from our fearful thoughts).
The monster of fear can be intimidating, but with the right tools, we can release ourselves from its grip, and move forward to where we want to be.
Learn more about the impact of fear, and tools that can help, in the fear episode of our podcast, ‘Finding What Works’.
“When you can’t find someone to follow, you have to find a way to lead by example
ROXANE GAY, BAD FEMINIST: ESSAYS
Planning on having a day to yourself to rest and recharge?
Use this checklist to get the most out of your time
Set your boundaries around the day with others.
Stay hydrated.
Spend some time outdoors.
Sometimes, a celebration calls for cake; without it, the event wouldn’t feel complete. On these occasions, many people might expect a nutritional therapist to frown at the suggestion of consuming a sweet, icing-encrusted dessert. However, we need to recognise the importance of these events, and that celebrating with family, friends, and colleagues
is fundamental to our sense of belonging and community – and a cake is a traditional centrepiece of many of these occasions.
So, I suggest we continue to celebrate with socially bonding delicacies, while also considering the nourishment we can provide to our loved ones, as much as pleasing their taste buds.
Dress this Middle Easterninspired cake with a sophisticated
drizzle of pink icing, some chopped pistachios, and dried rose petals. Pistachio nuts are associated with the delightfully rich green colour of the inside of this cake, disguising the presence of spinach for any vegetablephobic guests who may be put off by the idea! As a bonus, this recipe is suitable for vegans, and can easily be made gluten-free.
Happy celebrating!
• 60g coconut oil
• 160g raw unsalted pistachios
• 300ml almond milk (or your preferred plant-based milk) at room temperature
• ½ tsp cardamom
• 30g fresh spinach
• 100g coconut sugar
• 1 tsp natural vanilla extract
• 1 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 180g wholemeal spelt flour or gluten-free flour
• 2 tsp baking powder (aluminium free)
• 1/2 tsp natural sea salt
For the topping (optional):
• 120g golden icing sugar
• ¼ tsp of rose water
• 1–2 tsp beetroot powder
• 1 tsp lemon juice
• 20g raw unsalted pistachios, roughly chopped.
• 1 tbsp of dried rose petals
• Preheat your oven to 180°C (fan 160oC).
• Grease a cake tin with coconut oil.
• Pulse the raw pistachios in a food processor until the consistency is similar to flour.
• Add 180ml of almond milk to the food processor, along with the coconut oil, cardamom, spinach, coconut sugar and vanilla extract. Blend until smooth.
• In a separate bowl, mix the apple cider vinegar with the remaining almond milk. Set aside.
• Next, combine the flour, baking powder and salt in a bowl. Add this to the vinegar mixture, followed by the spinach cake mix from the food processor.
• Fold together gently until it forms a smooth batter.
• Pour into the prepared tin and place in the centre of the oven for 30 minutes.
• Check it’s cooked by inserting a toothpick into the centre – if it comes out clean, the cake is cooked. Once cooked, set aside to cool.
• While the cake is cooling, mix the icing sugar with the rose water, beetroot powder, and lemon juice in a small bowl or jug. Drizzle over the cake and top with chopped pistachios and rose petals.
Understanding how blood sugar levels can influence your energy levels, mood, and sleep, is often key to knowing how to make healthier food choices that won’t leave you feeling tired and craving more. Eating protein, healthy fats, and fibre when you consume sugary and carbohydrate-rich food can help to reduce the rush of sugar into your bloodstream, and provide a more gradual release of energy.
Pistachios are a fantastic source of protein, and combined with spelt flour, they make this cake a high-protein alternative to the usual birthday cake. Pistachio nuts are also naturally cholesterol-free, and contain primarily mono-unsaturated fats, similar to olive oil and avocado, which have anti-inflammatory properties. These fats have been found to help lower cholesterol, and reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease. Pistachios are rich in antioxidants, vitamin E, and plant polyphenols, protecting cells from damage. They are also notably high in vitamin B6, supporting efficient energy production.
Both pistachios and spinach are excellent sources of fibre, an essential element to a healthy diet, and supporting gut health and detoxification – as well as helping you feel fuller for longer. Spinach is also a super nutritious source of antioxidant vitamins C and E, beta-carotene, B vitamins, and minerals such as iron, magnesium, and calcium. So, it is possible to provide nourishment and delight for those social occasions that call for a sweet treat centrepiece. Will you be trying it?
Rebecca Leonard is a registered nutritional therapist, helping her clients find their way back to better health through nutrition and lifestyle changes. Find out more on the Nutritionist Resource.
We all have moments when we want the ground to swallow us up, but what can we do when we find ourselves blushing and staring at our feet too often?
Writing | Rosie CappuccinoWhile no emotions are truly negative because they serve important functions, such as alerting us to danger or inviting us to connect with others, embarrassment can feel deeply uncomfortable.
As you may know only too well, this emotion is associated with feeling hot, blushing, an averted gaze, and a desire to hide. Embarrassment is a selfconscious emotion that makes us feel both awkward and exposed, like our flaws are ‘in the spotlight’. We tend to feel it either when we anticipate negative appraisal by others, such as forgetting someone’s name, or when we don’t know what to do or say next – for example, receiving an unexpected gift.
Embarrassment is commonly described as a prosocial emotion that evolved to support social cohesion. But what can we do when we experience this normal, yet bothersome, emotion too frequently?
Psychotherapist Laura Wood explains that embarrassment can often be associated with the
‘spotlight effect’, where you feel like everyone is focused on and judging you. The spotlight effect can feel particularly strong if embarrassment leads to flushed cheeks.
But, by noticing our common humanity we can feel less ‘in the spotlight’ and more connected to others, making it easier to comfort ourselves and say ‘I am only human’.
Common humanity is one of the three elements of selfcompassion, as defined by Dr Kristin Neff. As humans, we all make mistakes, have personal difficulties, and feel pain. To become more aware of our shared humanity, notice the common ground (including struggles) you have with others. Even if someone’s life looks idyllic, remember you only see one part of it – especially on endlessly edited social media.
When we have done something that made us feel embarrassed, it’s easy to replay it in our minds and feel that hot wave of embarrassment all over again. Ruminating increases anxiety
about the future (‘Will that happen again?’) and sadness about the past (‘I wish I could go back and change the scenario’).
Cognitive defusion, a technique derived from acceptance and commitment therapy, can change our relationship with our thoughts. This technique helps us focus on the process of thinking, rather than getting tangled up in the content of our thoughts.
Viewing our thoughts as words or images passing through the mind can reduce their power. One way of practising cognitive defusion is to imagine your thoughts as clouds floating through the sky, or trains departing a station. You could also envision your thoughts being projected on to a cinema screen as you observe from afar, or clicking the ‘X’ on thoughts as if your mind were an internet browser.
“If you feel frequently embarrassed, you are probably aware of how it physically feels for you,” says Laura Wood. “For example, you may have a racing heart, increased body temperature, and a want to
escape the situation.” She advises calming the nervous system with grounding exercises, such as mindful breathing or noticing things around you with your five senses.
It can be helpful to act opposite to the urges and body language associated with embarrassment, too. For example, holding your head up with a forward gaze and staying in the situation if you can. While it’s natural to avoid people who were present when you felt embarrassed, allow yourself the opportunity to realise that everything is OK, and build new positive associations.
As embarrassment tends to arise when we anticipate negative appraisal by others, or when we
don’t know what to do or say next, it tends to happen when we have ventured outside our comfort zone. So, first of all, celebrate yourself for being brave enough to challenge yourself or try something new.
Secondly, nurture a growth mindset by recognising that every setback is an opportunity to develop your skill set. Be open to asking questions if there is support you need or something you don’t know. As Laura explains, embarrassment may be “alerting you to something that perhaps you need to address, whether that be something within yourself or outside of yourself such as a relationship – and sharing your thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend, family member or therapist is a great way to start”.
It is reassuring to know that people don’t tend to judge those who are feeling embarrassed negatively – and there may even be benefits to it, with a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showing that easily embarrassed individuals may be more prosocial, and more likely to be viewed by others as more trustworthy and generous.
A moment of embarrassment can even be a catalyst for connections with others; when someone sees you’re only human, it can be comforting. Furthermore, as Laura notes: “Embarrassment shows that you care. You care about the opinions of the people around you because you value them. This often correlates with traits such as being considerate, thoughtful, and reflective.”
Rosie Cappuccino is a Mind Media Award-winning blogger and author of ‘Talking About BPD: A StigmaFree Guide to Living a Calmer, Happier Life with Borderline Personality Disorder’.
Laura Wood is a person-centred psychotherapist. Get in touch via her profile on the Counselling Directory.
“If you wish to know the divine, feel the wind on your face and the warm sun on your hand BUDDHA
time
With one in 250 births in the UK being stillbirths, taking time to truly understand and support those going through this bereavement is vital. Jenna Farmer talks to the experts about why we need to start the conversation, and what support is out there for those who really need it
Writing | Jenna FarmerFor many parents, the final trimester of pregnancy is the most exciting. But, tragically, experiencing a stillbirth is a devastating reality for others.
When a baby dies after 24 weeks of pregnancy, either before they are born or during labour itself, this is called a ‘stillbirth’. There are many reasons why this could occur – including placenta factors, and ascending infection – but, as reported by a study in Ultrasound in Obstetrics & Gynecology, in 60% of cases there’s no explanation.
“Currently in the UK, 13 families a day suffer the heartbreak of losing their baby before, during or shortly after birth. These numbers are shocking and show the scale of the problem – this affects far more people than you might have realised,” says Rowena Pailing, head of bereavement support services for charity Sands.
The impact of stillbirths on families and those around them is devastating, and can lead to a huge array of emotions as they try to process their unthinkable grief.
“People are likely to experience a confusing and overwhelming rollercoaster of emotions with stillbirth,” psychotherapist Laura Duester explains. “There is a huge sense of sadness, grief, and emotional pain for both the baby that has been lost, and the future that was imagined with the baby. There may also be anger and despair about the unfairness of stillbirth, as well as resentment and jealousy towards other people who have healthy babies. Many parents often feel a sense of guilt or failure, blaming themselves or their bodies for what has happened, especially if the cause of the stillbirth is unknown.”
Understandably, the impact stillbirths have on the mental
health of parents who have been through this is huge, with a 2021 study in BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth noting that they have a “considerably higher risk of reporting symptoms of depression, anxiety, and PTSD” compared with other parents.
What can worsen this is fear about how to talk about stillbirth. Bereaved parents may not know how to talk about it, or who they should talk to, but at the same time, desperately want to tell others about their much-loved baby. One study around baby loss in BMC Women’s Health found there was a vast silence around the topic, and loneliness, because others didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. This can be complicated further for parents who’ve experienced stillbirth, if >>>
The charity Sands supports anyone affected by pregnancy loss or the death of a baby. Sands’ free helpline is available on 0808 164 3332 10am to 3pm Monday to Friday, and 6–9pm Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings. You can also email helpline@sands.org.uk. Find out more at sands.org.uk/support
Everyone’s experience of grief is different, so different responses will be needed
their friends have or are expecting children.
“Some people may be fearful of their emotions, feeling like they’re going to ‘ruin’ things for other people (such as pregnant women or parents of young children), or worry that they’ll be completely overwhelmed and unable to cope with their grief,” says Laura.
But, as we know, when it comes to our mental health, it is so important to talk. The problem is, those who want to support us don’t always know how to best respond.
“Stillbirth is such a tragic occurrence that it can leave people feeling unsure how to respond, particularly as it’s often unexpected, and may follow a lot of excitement and baby planning,” Laura says. “People often fear saying the ‘wrong’ thing and upsetting the parents, or don’t know how to provide appropriate support.”
How to support recently bereaved parents. Silence isn’t the answer, and can intensify the loneliness parents are already feeling. Research published in the Journal of Family Nursing interviewed parents who had experienced the death of a baby, and found that some felt abandoned, with family and friends avoiding them or suddenly going silent when they entered the room – despite the fact that many want their loss ‘validated’, and to talk about their experience. So, what is the ‘right’ thing to say?
In truth, there’s no one-sizefits-all answer, so ask them.
“Offer a listening ear, and give whatever help or support the person wants,” Laura advises. “Everyone’s experience of grief is different, so different responses will be needed – just ask the person how you can help. They may appreciate assistance with household tasks, such as cooking or cleaning, or might want to share memories and details of the baby.”
However, one thing not to do is to offer unsolicited advice – even if you’re doing so with the very best of intentions.
“It’s really important to give people the opportunity to share and express their feelings, but try not to offer advice about what’s best. Sometimes people think they’re being helpful by encouraging parents to get ‘back to normal’ by returning to work, or putting away baby items, but these are very personal decisions that can’t be rushed,” Laura explains. “Trying to be positive, by saying ‘you can have another baby’, is also often unhelpful, as it undermines and dismisses the person’s grief for the child that has just been lost.”
“You may want to ask if they gave their baby a name,” Rowena adds. “Many parents will do this –some will have thought of a name from the moment they knew they were pregnant – so this applies to people who have experienced miscarriage, too.”
If you’ve experienced stillbirth, there is help out there.
• Bereavement support: You should be offered support in hospital to help with your bereavement. “Your midwife should be able to answer your questions, discuss what emotional support is available to you, and also help with collecting memories of your baby (such as photos or handprints),” says psychotherapist Laura Duester.
• Support groups: Local and online support groups are available to talk to others in the same boat. Visit sands. org.uk for more information on their online community, or call their free helpline on 0808 164 3332.
• Talking therapies: “You may want to speak to your GP, or arrange therapy with a counsellor/psychotherapist, especially if your grief feels overwhelming, or doesn’t seem to be improving after a few months,” says Laura.
Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity
Unhealthy work environments can feel suffocating, whether it’s due to demanding workloads, rude or dismissive management, or pressure to work beyond scope, skillset, and hours. There can be a lack of communication and trust between employees and their management, and intimidating behaviours like bullying or discrimination can start to emerge.
All of this can take a huge toll on the mental health of individual employees, leading to burnout. I often see the effects of this in my therapy room: passionate and creative people who love their roles and want to do the best they can in their profession, but the ecosystem they work in is out of balance, making their working lives a misery.
When in these environments, it can feel like improving work culture would take some kind of miraculous overhaul.
But according to a Japanese concept called ‘kaizen’, which roughly translates as ‘change
for the better’, it’s the smallest of steps that can lead to the biggest difference. The kaizen approach is implemented by multinational companies such as Toyota, Honda, and Canon. Unlike the traditional hierarchical model, where people at the top tell the people at the bottom what to do, which can lead to communication breaking down and increased pressure, the philosophy of kaizen is humanistic and engages all employees at all levels. Each person is given the same degree of responsibility and agency. The idea is that if all employees are involved in making small changes together, big changes can happen.
Various studies, such as one published in Human Relations in 2017, have been carried out on the effects of a kaizen approach in high stress workplaces such as hospitals, and results have found that by engaging staff at all levels there was a significant increase in employee satisfaction and productivity at work. Organisation improved, employees felt their needs were being better met, and they even felt more aware of their environment,
Elizabeth is a solutionfocused hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. Find out more by visiting the Hynotherapy Directory.
and were better able to cope with the daily stresses.
It was a former client, Dennis*, who first introduced me to the concept of kaizen. When we met, he had a very gruelling job managing health and safety culture at a seaport. He would often tell me that the atmosphere was unbearably tense, with morale and mood low, it was difficult to get his colleagues to listen to him, they almost never engaged in health and safety rules. They complained about their workplace culture, workload, and conditions, but they also often said that “things would never change” and “that’s just the way it is”.
Dennis was determined that he could and would make that change happen. He tried various
approaches before he came across the kaizen philosophy, and decided to trial it out in his team. He started by scheduling weekly meetings, where all employees could give input into the running of the port. It was an opportunity to discuss what could be improved as a team. Instead of just giving standard health and safety instructions and orders, he would take photos of areas that were unsafe, tidy, or broken, and asked his colleagues how they thought these areas could best be improved.
Through involving his colleagues in the decision-making process,
and giving them the freedom to come up with solutions together, Dennis noticed a transformation not only in their responsiveness to health and safety protocol, but also their general attitude at work. They became more proactive and spontaneous in carrying out tasks, and the mood improved. Colleagues interacted with each other more, and the conversations became more light-hearted. He got consistent feedback from his team about how much happier they were, and how the sense of cooperation and team spirit became stronger.
We often believe that big change takes drastic action, but what Dennis’ story and kaizen shows us is that the biggest changes start with the smallest of steps, and even in the most trying circumstances, we can create a spark of hope through that first small action. By involving others in the process, we see the fruits of those steps more rapidly, and start creating an ecosystem of change where everyone involved can thrive.
*Name has been changed.
This issue we’re celebrating Earth Day with 10 recommendations to inspire you to make changes, take action, and bring you closer to the natural world
Writing | Lauren Bromley-BirdClean up your planet
One: Pot, Pan, Planet: A Greener Way to Cook for You, Your Family and the Planet by Anna Jones
If sustainable cooking is on your agenda, One Pot, Pan, Planet is the book for you. Teaching us how to cook with the planet in mind is award-winning cook Anna Jones, who shares quick and delicious one-pot, one-pan, and one-tray recipes, as well as providing tips for using leftovers and ensuring less waste. (Fourth Estate Publishing, hardback RRP £28)
1 2
Wherever you venture, be it by sandy shores or the riverside on a paddle-boarding expedition, there are so many fun ways that you can help clean up the planet, and show the environment some much-needed love, with litter picking. Where will your act of kindness begin? (Search ‘litter picking’ for information and groups near you)
‘Relax with Animal Facts’
3 4 5
Unlock your curiosity about our animal kingdom with Stefan Wolfe, an animal lover who reveals facts about the fascinating creatures we share our planet with. From the peaceful dugong to the mythical reindeer, learn about the behaviours and habitats these animals thrive in, along with relaxation techniques. (Available on all podcast platforms)
Go on a seasonal scavenger hunt
What better way to venture into spring and celebrate the wonders of the outdoor world than with a scavenger hunt? From spotting seasonal flowers to colourful insects, it’s an activity that invites us to be present and helps us recognise that we are only a small part of such a magnificent world. (Head to shop.happiful.com/ happiful-creations to download your free scavenger hunt card)
From a project banishing food waste and hunger in London, to innovative tech changing fog into drinking water, there are many sustainability initiatives we don’t know about, but thankfully environmentalists Ben and Ciara are here to share positive stories implementing world change. (@goinggreenmedia on TikTok)
If you need a reason to clean your fridge and give it some extra TLC, let this be the one. When your fridge collects dust, it uses extra energy to keep it running smoothly, which is not only bad for our planet but also costs you extra. You can make it more energy efficient and kinder for the planet simply by making sure there is no build-up of dust on the vents and coils.
9
OceanHero
Next time you’re browsing the web, grab your virtual cape and switch to OceanHero! This small change to the way you search online helps OceanHero in the fight against ocean pollution by supporting its efforts to recover ocean-bound plastic, one search at a time. (Head to oceanhero.today/search to browse)
8 Earthspecial!Day
Greenify your usual fitness routine
People are becoming more eco-conscious in all aspects of life, including with exercise, but small adjustments go a long way. So, why not start by replacing your indoor fitness workout with an outdoor one to reduce electricity? You can also train with makeshift weights from items around the house.
While the pandemic lockdown was a troubling time for many, one positive that came from it was that it temporarily stunted global emissions, and opened up the doors for nature to flourish. In this incredible documentary, we see just how much of a positive impact this had with never before seen footage, narrated by David Attenborough. (Available to watch on Apple TV+)
Aromatherapy Shower Steamers
Who said you can’t treat yourself while being kind to the planet? These beautifully crafted handmade aromatherapy steamers are one way to bring joy into your everyday routine, while being kind to the environment. It uses 100% essential oils and compostable packaging to bring you a little self-care goodness. (£25, thedeadseaco.com)
For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com
Which of the following is not an essential oil?
a) Lavender
b) Olive
c) Eucalyptus
*Competition closes 30 April 2024. UK and Northern Ireland only. T&Cs apply. Good luck!
Tonight, I did something I never thought I could. I wrote a list of things; all my need to’s and shoulds, and fed them to the fire.
I watched them turn to ash in the flickering jaws, chewed into dust, as the flames climbed higher. And with some distance I saw how much of a liar the mind can be.
There are no tasks to complete to be human, Outside forces telling me what to do. ‘Just by being here, by breathing’ The world seemed to say… ‘you’re undeniably you.’
I know now we’re no less if we struggle No weaker, or more broken if we fight. Even the smallest of sputtering embers can birth such a brilliant, wonderful light. RUNNER-UP!
Natalie Louise Davies
To learn more about Natalie, head to her blog, natalieistyping.wordpress.com
Interest in true crime tales is on the rise, but what is it about the morbid content of this genre that makes it so appealing?
Writing | Kathryn WheelerOn streaming platforms, podcasts, TV, and radio, it seems like everyone’s talking about true crime. The genre has seen a colossal boom over the past decade, with true crime consistently topping the viewing and listening charts. So, what is it that draws so many people to the genre? And what impact can it have on us all?
Since the early 2000s, studies have found time and again that women significantly outnumber men when it comes to true crime audiences, with a 2018 study published in the Journal of Radio & Audio Media confirming this pattern when it found around 73% of true crime podcast listeners are women. It’s an interesting demographic, particularly when viewed alongside the findings of a
study in the Journal of Urban Affairs, which revealed that women are generally more fearful of being the victim of crime than men – despite the fact that men are more likely to be victims of crime.
It was these two components that led social psychologist and professor at Illinois Wesleyan University, Amanda Vicary, to explore this trend in another medium. In research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, Vicary looked at Amazon book reviews that dealt with different types of violence. She found the trend continued, as men were more likely to read and review books about war, while women were more likely to read and review true crime books.
so drawn to true crime, Vicary concluded that women enjoyed reading about survival or learning how they may be able to prevent a crime, and are more likely to empathise with victims – but that’s only one theory in an ongoing debate. Other researchers propose that true crime is a means of thrill-seeking, others believe it’s about a natural fascination with taboo subjects. Counsellor Jenny Warwick has her own theories, too.
When it comes to theories around why women, in particular, are >>>
“People are fascinated with human psychology, particularly criminal psychology,” she says. “We are often intrigued by the behaviours and motives behind criminal acts. By looking for an understanding of the motivations, upbringing, and patterns of infamous serial killers, for example, we can get an insight into criminal psychology.”
TRUE CRIME STORIES OFTEN UNFOLD LIKE GRIPPING NARRATIVES, TELLING A STORY WE CAN GET LOST IN
Jenny also points to the problem-solving element of the storytelling, where it becomes a kind of entertainment that we can get lost in. “It’s enjoyable to piece together the puzzle of a crime, and come up with theories about who the perpetrator might be and why the crime occurred.
“The fact it’s based on actual events adds an extra dimension. True crime stories often unfold like gripping narratives, telling a story we can get lost in. There might be an aspect of escapism here, where we can forget our current worries and get hooked on the narrative. If we find answers to who did it, how they did it, and why, we might be better positioned to protect ourselves and our loved ones.”
It’s an idea that seems to resonate with many people. In data collected by OnePoll, out of 2,000 survey respondents, 76% of people said that they believe consuming content about true crime helps to avoid similar situations happening to them. But the story doesn’t end there.
When it comes to the impact of consuming the genre, the jury’s split. In a US YouGov survey, 20% of respondents think it makes people more likely to commit a crime, and 29% less likely – plus, 62% said they think it makes people more vigilant and aware of their safety, while 40% think it makes people needlessly scared or paranoid.
Jenny also highlights some of the risks that can occur when consuming distressing content:
• The emotional impact. True crime shows and podcasts often feature re-enactments of reallife crimes, which can leave an emotional impact. We might feel stressed or anxious, especially after viewing or hearing about disturbing scenes, which can persist beyond the episode, affecting our mental wellbeing and daily life.
• Desensitisation. Repeated exposure to graphic content can desensitise us to violence, changing our sensitivity and perception of it. More recently, there has been a shift in focus, putting the victims at the centre of these stories, which helps give a more empathetic and balanced portrayal of the cases.
• Sleep disturbances. Consuming intense true crime content could disrupt sleep. Our brain needs to process all this intense information, which can interfere with our ability to fall asleep, and even cause nightmares.
In order to enjoy true crime in a way that’s right for you, Jenny recommends setting some limits. “Establish boundaries on the amount and type of true crime content you consume to prevent emotional overwhelm,” she advises. For example, perhaps there are particular themes you find very distressing, and should be avoided. A lot of media now comes with content warnings – this may be in episode descriptions, books blurbs, or listing descriptions.
Jenny’s second tip is to make sure you take breaks and tune-in
to yourself. “Give yourself time between episodes or stories to process and decompress from the intense narratives,” she says. “This will help you avoid getting too emotionally invested in the content. And after watching or listening to true crime content, it’s important to practise self-care activities like meditation, exercise, or spending time with loved ones to balance the emotional impact.” While it’s great to take steps to take care of yourself as an individual, as the genre has grown, many of those creating the content are working hard to make their reporting as responsible as possible, too. This includes centring the narrative on the victim, working with families in empathetic ways, highlighting minority cases that may not have received as much media attention, and building evidence that can lead to real-life justice.
There’s no escaping the impact that true crime is having on our culture and conversations at the moment. And while researchers will continue to debate the undeniable draw people feel to the genre, one thing’s for sure, the true crime scene isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Jenny Warwick is a counsellor specialising in relationships and family issues. Head to Counselling Directory to discover more.
From not landing a dream job to having a bad time on holiday, disappointment crops up in our lives and can be, well, a disappointing emotion to deal with. From big disappointments to small letdowns, we all know the frustration and sadness that can accompany it.
“Disappointment is an emotion we’ve all experienced at some point in our lives,” says psychotherapist Amy Baglietto. “It can arise when our expectations are not met, when things do not go as planned, or when we feel let down by someone or something. Although disappointment can be a difficult emotion to navigate, it’s also a powerful teacher that can provide valuable insights into ourselves and what truly matters to us.”
Here, we look at ways to deal with disappointment – and how you may even be able to make the most of this emotion.
To start, Amy emphasises the need to treat yourself with self-compassion in the wake of
disappointment. “Often when we face disappointment, we can be extremely hard on ourselves, blaming ourselves for the outcome or feeling like we are not good enough,” Amy explains. “However, it’s crucial to remember that disappointment is a natural part of life, and does not define our worth or abilities.
“Practising self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, just as we would a close friend or loved one experiencing disappointment. This means acknowledging our emotions and allowing ourselves to grieve or feel upset, while also reminding ourselves that setbacks are a normal part of the journey. By cultivating self-compassion, we can offer ourselves the support and comfort we need to heal and move forward.”
If you feel disappointed by something, it’s worth asking yourself exactly what it is that makes you feel this way. Sometimes it’s obvious, but it can also help you learn about what really matters to you. Let’s say you’ve applied for a handful of
jobs, which you didn’t get. Are there any jobs in particular that you feel upset or frustrated that you weren’t successful with?
“By recognising that disappointment reveals what truly matters to us, and embracing it as an opportunity to re-evaluate our priorities, we can harness its energy to create a plan of action that propels us towards our goals,” Amy says.
Let’s go back to the job scenario. If you realise you’re most disappointed about being turned down for a creative job, but aren’t as upset about not getting a role in customer service, you can use this to home-in on what really matters to you.
When you feel ready, it can help to look back at the disappointing situation and consider what you could do differently. So, for that job you applied for, you could ask for feedback on your application in order to allow you to build on this for next time.
“Perhaps the setback revealed areas where we can improve our skills, or highlighted the
Disappointment is a natural part of life, and does not define our worth or abilities
need for a different approach,” adds Amy. “Embracing a growth mindset in the face of disappointment allows us to see it as a stepping stone towards success, rather than a roadblock. Through this perspective, we can not only bounce back from disappointment, but also use it to propel ourselves towards future achievements and breakthroughs.”
Have you ever laid in bed, turning a disappointing experience around in your mind?
Amy suggests practising mindfulness to help deal with these difficult feelings. “Mindfulness, at its core, is all about being fully present in the moment, and accepting the reality of the present without judgement,” she explains.
“This practice encourages individuals to observe their
thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in trying to change them. By doing so, people can develop a more compassionate attitude towards themselves, fostering a sense of self-acceptance and selfcompassion.”
“Often, when we ruminate on past disappointments, we focus on the negative aspects and perpetuate a victim mentality,” says Amy. “However, by consciously choosing to reframe our thoughts, we can shift our perspective and find new meaning in our experiences. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, we can look for lessons learned, growth opportunities, or even silver linings. By reframing our story, we can transform our disappointments into valuable life experiences that have contributed to our personal development.”
Disappointment is a difficult emotion, and it sometimes takes a long time to bounce back. Be kind to yourself, and, as hard as it may feel, take the time to really learn about yourself so you can move forwards.
Recently I bought a test tube terrarium, with a sprig of mosaic plant. Every time I catch sight of its pink veins, my own fizz with contentment. Nature has this powerful effect, making us truly feel alive as we gain a stronger sense of unity with the world around us. So, when I received an invitation to explore plant meditation, as a means to deepen this connection, my curiosity certainly piqued.
When you search ‘plant meditation’ online, an array of results come up (including working with plants in ways not yet legal in the UK), but in essence, it involves incorporating greenery into your meditation or spiritual practice. To learn more about what this could look like, I joined botanical consultant and writer Jemma Foster to try it for myself.
wasn’t expecting. When asked about the connection between astrology and plant work, Jemma explains that everything in nature is connected.
“A rose doesn’t exist in isolation,” Jemma says. “From seed to bloom, it is in conversation with the elements that make up its physical reality – which includes the dance of the planets, the cycle of the seasons, the sun that feeds its light, and the moon that sets its rhythms.”
We started with an astrology chart reading which, I admit, I
This link is a thread that weaves throughout Jemma’s work and
our session together. After the chart reading, Jemma explains that she meditated on my chart before our consultation, and pulled cards from her astrobotanical card deck. She told me which plants came up for her during this meditation, and what they represent. One of these was the prickly pear cactus, which highlighted a need for boundaries (its external needles protecting an inner water chamber), and was something that immediately resonated with me. >>>
Learn more about Jemma and pick up a deck of astro-botanical cards to commune with plants at wildalchemylab.com.
I was then guided through a meditation of my own to explore this recurring theme. First, I visualised myself as a seed growing into a plant, noting how it felt as I did so, before being led to an imaginary theatre. In this space, plants took the stage, representing various people in my life – and I was the director. The aim of this was to safely explore how I could start implementing boundaries. Visualising plants instead of people helped to remove emotion from the experience, giving me a gentle nudge to take action in my real life.
We finished with Jemma offering some herbal remedy recommendations to support me with this, moving forward. For example, I was advised to try bathing with rose and willow, which have astringent properties to help you feel held when setting boundaries. I came away with wide eyes at the depth this work could go to.
Sitting with plants in this way, whether they’re in front of us or in our minds, can be powerful. “When we sit with a plant, information is exchanged on multiple levels,” Jemma says. “In the physical realm, plants transform sunlight to give us the energy to survive. We exchange breath through respiration. The electromagnetic field interacts as particles of light (biophotons) and sound (biophonons), and emits a toroidal field of energy – a doughnut-shaped feedback loop
– that entrains with others in its environment so we can share information with plants and each other.”
In the emotional realm too, Jemma notes a positive impact, helping to activate our parasympathetic nervous system, reduce stress, and enhance empathy as we connect more deeply with nature. However, she also has a caution, “We need to move away from seeing nature as a wellness tool, and shift the lens from resource to relationship.” This certainly seems to be a shift that we’re becoming acutely aware of as a society. When given the space, we can see the true scope of how nature can support us – and vice versa – and the value of a reciprocal relationship.
If you’re reading this and wondering, ‘OK, but how?’ Jemma shares some exercises to explore:
1. Sit in front of your chosen plant.
2. Regulate your breathing, relax your eyes, and soften your gaze. Imagine the flow of your exhale meeting the plant, which absorbs the carbon dioxide.
3. In return, inhale to receive the oxygen from the plant. As we inhale, we receive and integrate information from the plant and the cosmic climate that it exists in, and with each exhale, we dissolve ourselves into this shared space of being.
4. When a thought or sensation arises, ask for confirmation by repeating the message back to the plant. Wait for a shift – this is an embodied sense of ‘yes or no’.
5. The more you practise plant gazing, the more you open up new pathways and strengthen your ability to listen and communicate.
This is about focusing on a specific plant for an extended period of time, and bringing elements of it into your life. For example, a rose immersion might involve drinking rose tea, bathing in rose, applying rose essential oil, drawing or making with rose, and meditating with rose. Immersions are typically for a minimum of three days, but may last weeks.
Dreaming with plants is particularly effective during an immersion, but can be practised at any time, simply by making the invitation to dream with them. Placing plants under your pillow or drinking tea before bed amplifies this intention.
My own experience with plant meditation shone a light on areas in my life I wanted to work on, sowing the seeds for a fresh perspective on how to approach this – perhaps it could do the same for you? It’s clear that when we deepen our relationship to nature, bringing its power and wisdom into our daily life such as through plant meditation, we make space for good things to grow.
“If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down
ROY T BENNETT, THE LIGHT IN THE HEART
“
Can sharing words of wisdom from the counselling room ever have negative consequences? And how can you best share advice to support others?
Writing | Victoria StokesWell, according to my therapist…” Have you ever started a sentence in this way? Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end, and heard this little phrase uttered right before a friend divulged something specific they learned in the counselling room.
This is known as ‘trickle down therapy’: the practice of telling friends and family who aren’t in therapy stuff your therapist has told you.
On the face of it, it’s helpful and well-intentioned. If you’re sharing therapy titbits, you’re undoubtedly doing so because you want to help someone you care about navigate challenges of their own. It can be empowering for you to impart wisdom, and notice just how far you’ve come as well.
The thing is, trickle down therapy is kinda problematic. See, it’s easy for things to get lost in translation as therapy is certainly not one-size-fits-all.
Therapists are trained professionals. The conversations they have with you are informed by years of learning. They use active listening skills, and tailor the conversation with you accordingly, so they can best support you on your unique mental health journey.
Telling a friend they need to dig deep into their childhood, or overcome the habit of perfectionism, simply because that’s what your therapist told you, is based on the assumption that your experiences and challenges are the same. All the lessons you’ve learned might not apply to them.
Worst-case scenario, this might confuse them if they are actively trying to find a way to overcome a problem. And if they can’t really relate to the information you’re sharing, they could feel even more isolated.
Add to that, BACP-registered counsellor Georgina Sturmer says therapy is effective because of the relationship between therapist and client – it’s not something you can really recreate by sharing a tip or two with a friend.
“When we look at how and why therapy is effective, the key to remember is that it’s not about tips and tricks and tools. All the research shows that it’s the therapeutic relationship itself that heals,” Georgina points out. “It’s the environment that the therapist and client build together that provides an >>>
It’s easy for things to get lost in translation as therapy is certainly not one-size-fits-all
opportunity for the client to heal and grow.”
A skilled therapist might often steer you to gently explore feelings or past experiences that feel uncomfortable.
“Within the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship, this can be done in a way that is gentle, supportive, and always in the best interest of the client. However, when therapy ‘trickles down’, all these boundaries and protections are taken away,” Georgina explains.
This can be harmful, not only to the person you are trying to help, but to you as well. “There is a real
risk that you could re-traumatise yourself, or access depths of anger or anxiety without knowing how to cope with them, or to express them safely,” Georgina warns.
Sometimes, sharing really is caring, and occasionally you’ll find there are times when something you learned in therapy really is helpful.
Perhaps a friend is going through something very similar that you’ve talked about in great detail with your therapist. Maybe they need help breaking a certain
thought pattern, and you just so happen to have spent a lot of time on this in your past therapy sessions.
In these scenarios, it’s OK to chat through your experiences and how they’ve helped you, without offering your friend advice. It’s good to do this with a disclaimer. A quick: “Hey, I learned this really cool thing in therapy this week. It might not help you, but it’s certainly helped me,” can go a long way.
In the same vein, Georgina says there are some insights that can offer really ‘user-friendly’ ways of understanding ourselves.
One of them is the ‘ParentAdult-Child model’ from Transactional Analysis theory, which was developed by Eric Berne. “It’s an incredibly complex theory, but at a really simple level it can be used to help people notice when they shift or default to certain patterns when they are relating to other people,” Georgina says.
What might that look like in a conversation with a friend? It could mean sharing your own experiences of identifying unhelpful patterns, and encouraging your friend to do the same.
Of course, sharing mental health information is vital if you believe a friend is in a mental health crisis. When acute support is needed, sharing mental health resources – like helplines, for example – or reaching out on behalf of your friend, will prove more useful than doling out therapeutic advice.
If a friend or family member comes to you with a problem, trickle down therapy isn’t the only way you can offer them your support.
“Reflect on what it is about your own personal therapy that has been really helpful,” Georgina
says. “Maybe it’s the calmness and having the space to breathe. Maybe it’s knowing that you’re sitting with someone who doesn’t offer their own judgement or agenda. Maybe it’s gaining an insight into your own thoughts, and unpicking your feelings.”
Then, think about how you can offer this experience to other people in your life. “It’s not about suddenly becoming a ’therapist’ in your friendships and relationships. But about noticing what you’ve really enjoyed, and thinking about how some of those behaviours might enrich your relationships with those around you.”
So, even if you have the best intentions, remember there can be better ways to support your loved ones than reiterating your counsellor’s word of wisdom. You might not be a therapist, but you can still be a good friend, even if it means leaving therapy to the professionals.
bipolar is not a tragedy no no
this is not Hamlet we won’t seek your tears your - that’s terrible what a horrible life
we’re tapping into your fears that bipolar is all around you promise, we won’t attack you it’s not all nurses and drugs in a four-wall white bedroom outside your city bipolar is in my home there are tears, oui but the eyes above them I deeply care about and haven’t you ever cried? we have laughs we have loves we have dreams and you don’t know the ending because bipolar is not a tragedy
RUNNER-UP!
Éloïse Armary
To keep up with Éloïse, follow @EloiseArmary on Instagram and X
Put your puzzling prowess to the test with our crossword – it’s a real head-scratcher!
Hint: think ‘spring’
19.
DOWN
1. Where they celebrate hanami (5)
3. Spring in your step (4)
4. Come out your shell (5)
5. A bird calls home (4)
6. Fall back (7)
8. Star Wars day (3,3,6)
10. Flower worn St. David’s Day (8)
12. Night and day are equal length (7)
14. April weather (7)
17. Reorganise (5)
ACROSS
2. Unexpected revelation (8)
7. Bouncing equipment (10)
9. Spring into (6)
11. Not a spring hen (7)
13. Sweet dreams on these (8)
15. Unopened rose (3)
16. Tear-jerker vegetable (5)
18. Ensnare (4)
19. Fresh as a (5)
Signs
is experiencing a psychotic episode
Awareness of these six signs of psychosis could allow you to support a friend in need soonerWriting | Kai Conibear
Psychosis causes people to lose touch with reality, and experience either hallucinations, delusions, or both. Hallucinations include seeing, hearing, or feeling something that isn’t there, while delusions involve holding a belief that isn’t true, and may seem irrational and unbelievable to others.
In the early stages of a psychotic episode, it might not be clear what’s happening, and changes may be gradual. You may not realise someone is dealing with hallucinations or delusions until they become very ill. However, there are other ways to identify if someone you care about might be in a psychotic episode.
These include finding it difficult to focus, not understanding what others are saying, or struggling to keep track of their own thoughts. They might seem more irritable, suspicious, and paranoid. They could feel disconnected from the world around them, or feel overwhelmed.
Isolating from others is common for someone in a psychotic episode, which also hampers efforts to get them help. Hallucinations and delusions may make someone feel they need to hide from the world. They might stop going to social events, answering messages, or cease communicating altogether. If you notice someone withdrawing from their support network, try to check in with them in person.
This might manifest as mood changes, or socially inappropriate behaviour. They may experience mood swings, particularly if they have a mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Psychosis can also be a symptom of severe depression. They may drastically change, such as experiencing a high, elevated mood, known as mania, or a low, withdrawn mood resulting in depression. Both mood states may also happen in quick succession. Due to the psychosis, some of their behaviour may become inappropriate or out of character. They might regress and become
childish, or become extremely dependent on others. They could start to become paranoid and suspicious, and have new ideas and opinions they’ve never expressed before. There’s a chance they’ll show signs of stress and irritability, or become rude and distressed for seemingly no reason.
A psychotic episode can cause someone’s self-care to break down to the point that they no longer look after themselves properly. Depending on what they’re experiencing, this could manifest in a number of ways, such as not showering, washing their hair, or brushing their teeth. Their home may become messy, as they’re no longer able to clean and tidy. It might mean they can’t or won’t sleep. Sometimes, psychosis can make eating and drinking difficult, so there can be signs of weight loss.
Anxiety is common during psychosis, as losing touch with reality is often a frightening and overwhelming experience. It contributes to withdrawing from friends and family, and people can often feel too anxious to leave their home, or even bedroom. Anxiety often leads to disrupted sleep and insomnia, which can exacerbate symptoms.
You may notice they find it hard to stay focused, and follow a
conversation. They seem easily distracted, or as if they’re having an entirely different conversation with someone you can’t see. If they’re delusional, they can seem laser-focused on one topic, and keep bringing the conversation back to it. This may manifest as rapid or continuous speech with few breaks. They might quickly switch from one topic to another, often with no connection. Speech may be garbled, or confused and difficult to understand. They may often pause mid-sentence, or lose their train of thought. They may seem preoccupied or distracted while you’re talking to them.
If these signs sound familiar, and you think a loved one is experiencing psychosis, it’s incredibly important to find help for them as soon as possible. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to help if someone is in the middle of a psychotic episode, except stay calm, patient, and find help. Speak to a medical professional about your concerns – either a GP, or your loved one’s mental health team or psychiatrist. In an emergency, take them to A&E.
If you can identify any of these signs before the psychotic episode is in full swing, it will give you a head start in helping your loved one get the care they need before it becomes more serious. Your support could make a world of difference.
’Kai Conibear is a writer and mental health advocate. his first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.
You make me feel truly seen.
I’ve never known anyone so good at navigating tricky situations.
You’re someone I know will always be there, no matter what.
You inspire me to be a more compassionate person.
Knowing you has shown me what a true friend should be.
Spending time with you is the highlight of my day.
You’re my go-to for book recommendations.
You have such an incredible outlook.
I wish I had met you sooner.
need
Critical thinking refers to the ability to make objective, reasoned judgements based on interpreting, understanding, and applying evidence. These days, when so much conflicting information is available to us at all times, these skills can go a long way. Here’s how to hone them.
It’s easy to get stuck in your own bubble, particularly on social media where algorithms tend to feed us more of the same ideas. We’re also likely to surround ourselves with people who think similarly to us – shared values and perspectives are often what lead to friendships and connection. But being open to different perspectives can help us to take a step back and assess problems in a new way. Try reading a range of different news sources, and listen with curiosity to people who see the world differently from you.
Training yourself to be less reactionary can enable you to create space to consider a topic more fully. Say you’re having a
debate with someone about a topic you’re passionate about, and they bring up a new idea that you wouldn’t usually agree with. Rather than immediately rejecting it, curious questioning, and taking a moment to turn over the idea in your mind, could allow you to make a more informed judgement. Not only will this help you to expand your way of thinking, but it can also allow you to avoid making rash decisions that could cost you down the line.
Sometimes, we might only see part of the problem that we’re facing, either because of our perspective, or because of an agenda from whatever source we may be referring to. If you suspect this may be the case, try to fill in the gaps. Do your own research, consider what other perspectives may be out there, and look for information that may have been overlooked.
A bias is the act of giving disproportionate weight for or against something, and is usually informed by politics,
values, or an agenda. A bias isn’t always negative either, e.g. someone who personally had a great experience with a service may give it more praise than the average person. But it’s important to be aware of biases, as they can sway your opinions. Consider the language used (is it too positive or negative?), look into sources and verify information, see if you can spot patterns, and take into consideration things like funding and influence.
This one goes for conversations with others, when reading the news, and when evaluating your own thoughts. Look for background information and important context, see if you can uncover patterns, and ask for elaboration and clarification. If you’re unsure about something, go deeper – you never know what you may discover.
Small, delicious, joyful, and nutritious –these edible wonders can be grown in even the smallest corner of your home
Writing | Lara Green
Microgreens have been garnishing the plates of restaurants and cafés for decades now, but an increasing number of us are choosing to grow these little seedlings ourselves, reaping huge mental health and dietary rewards in the process.
As somebody who has overseen a tray or two at home, I can vouch for these benefits. I never tire of seeing their leaves creep over the top of containers, planning out how I’m going to use them in meals (often scattered on salads and eggs, but most recently worked into the most incredible Brazil nut pesto).
Unlike most veggies, microgreens aren’t dependent on the seasons, and although they are planted in a similar way to outdoor produce, they are cultivated indoors, and harvested at the ‘cotyledon stage’ when their true leaves come through. Give them space on a shelf or windowsill, water and care for them, and a robust crop of bright, beautiful leaves will appear in as little as seven days. Like joyful little warriors sprouting from the soil, they bring a major dose of happiness and satisfaction to mealtimes. And that’s before we even get to the power they pack nutritionally.
Microgreens are thought to have been instigated by chef Craig Hartman in the early 1990s. His friend, Michael, had launched one of the first hydroponics farms in America, and agreed to grow some ‘baby greens’ for Craig to use in his restaurant. A
plethora of neat little greens soon followed in the form of red romaine, tatsoi, oak leaf lettuces, and rocket, providing Craig (and countless other chefs thereafter) a unique and beautiful way to garnish dishes.
These tiny greens are so much more than a way to prettify meals though. Working their magic into everything from soups, salads, and sandwiches to smoothies, omelettes, and buddha bowls, they bring a boost of extra vitamins and minerals to our plates that supersede the nutrients found in their fully grown counterparts. According to an article by Banner Health, a cup of red cabbage microgreens has three times more folate than mature red cabbage. While radish microgreens are higher in Omega 3s and have double the amount of calcium than a radish. However, it’s worth recognising that while their nutrients are more concentrated, we typically eat them in smaller amounts.
Different types of microgreens deliver different nutrients, but in general they are considered to be a great source of vitamins A, E, C,
and K, plus minerals calcium, magnesium, iron, selenium, and zinc. They also have fibre and prebiotic properties, making them a win for gut health, too.
Growing our own food as a form of nourishment can be really empowering, particularly when that food is organic, hugely versatile, and easy to merge into the meals we love.
Most nutritionists would agree that we need ‘live’ foods in our diets to thrive, meaning foods that are consumed fresh, raw, or in a condition as close as possible to their original, living state. This is because they contain vital nutrients like vitamins and enzymes that our bodies need to grow, repair, and thrive. Since microgreens are sown, grown, and harvested from one container with only water and light required to generate growth, they certainly meet the criteria of a live food, providing a good source of nutrients when we need them – even in the darkest depths of winter.
It’s an absolute joy to watch microgreens grow, but the big rewards come at harvest time when you can dive in with your scissors, and cut a portion for an omelette, salad or sandwich, or use the entire crop in a vibrant salad for sharing with friends. The usage moments are creative and plentiful, offering a gateway to a world of new recipes where every meal serves as a definitive act of self-care.
There are ample varieties of microgreens to choose from, and the best advice is to grow as many as you can (space permitting) to see what flavours and crops you enjoy most. Radish and mustard greens have a clean, crisp, and spicy flavour, sunflower is a little spicy and nutty, while coriander tastes just like, well, coriander! It’s a good idea to start with a simple variety that is hardy and easy to get going, like radish or broccoli. Both are quick to germinate and reach full size, and will bear the brunt of any early mishaps.
There are lots of how-to guides online that will help you master microgreens, but the general process is to soak the seeds, soak the growing mat or compost, sprinkle the seeds on top, cover, and place near a window. With daily watering, the seeds should sprout after two to three days, after which the lid comes off and the vibrant leaves will start to appear. When the greens are more than one inch tall, they are most likely ready to harvest.
It sounds pretty easy, right? And it is! Though there are some good tips that can help those early crops come through with gusto:
• Swot up on seeds. The quality can vary massively, so it’s good to check reviews and order via a reputable company to ensure they’ll thrive nicely. Most seeds can grow on a mat, but some (like sunflowers) require soil for germination.
• Research varieties. Some species of microgreens are
a little more arduous to grow, while others can be more prone to disease. Stick to simple varieties like radish and broccoli, moving further afield as you gain confidence.
• Find your light. LED light is great for growing greens but natural daylight on a window sill or ledge will do the trick, too.
• It’s a good idea to keep them somewhere warm. The ideal temperature is between 18–22oC.
• Glass containers and shallow pots with lids are good options that will happily house microgreens.
• You might find grow mats that sit inside your vessel a little easier to handle than compost. Hemp, coconut, jute, or natural fibres all work well and are picked up relatively inexpensively online.
• Regular, light watering is key, with the aim of keeping the microgreens damp but not soaked.
• Harvest just as the true leaves begin to sprout: around seven to eight days for radish, and 10–12 days for peas, when grown at room temperature.
Looking for support with your mental health? Here are some places that can help:
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000
Mind
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
Switchboard
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0300 330 0630. You can email: chris@switchboard.lgbt
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• Keep me on a coffee table to pick up when you need a boost
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CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH
Learn more about life coaching and connect with a professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk
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SUPPORT FOR BABY LOSS
For support and advice on stillbirth and neonatal death, visit sands.org.uk or call their helpline on 0808 164 3332
WORK WITH A NUTRITIONIST
If you want to learn more about nutrition, connect with a professional using nutritionist-resource.org.uk
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