The Ontarion - 186.5 by The Ontarion

THE

CONTRARION

Ford Finally Consults Student Unions Calls them crazy commie bastards

pg. 04

Ford tries cutting mpps in half told he can’t do that

pg. 06

DOUG THE THUG PORTRAIT BY BARBARA SALSBERG MATHEWS  MADDYSMOM_4U DELI MEAT ON SUIT OF BLUE

Student Choice initiative adds more opt-out options pg. 03

FAKE NEWS

THE ONTARION

0 4 | S NOW- I N S E RV I CE

0 6 | INCOME TAX OPT-OUT

@ Ontarion Web

Student Choice Initiative adds more opt-out options to list ELECTRICITY AND PLUMBING, AMONG SERVICES TO BE CUT A DA M M AU E

ONTARIO’S PROPOSED Student Choice Initiative has recently confirmed 178 Universit y of Guelph services to be considered “non-essential.” Students now have a much broader selection of services to opt out of come September, including: electricity, plumbing, heating, food services, and clothing. To some, this might seem extreme, but in fact many U of G students are open to embracing the future changes and, to get the ball rolling early, many changes are currently being tested to monitor student response. To start, students have opted not to pay fees for electricity. Classrooms are now engulfed in total darkness. The few students who opted in to the $1.53 fee have been given scented candles to provide light, which administration describes as “electricity adjacent.” Students have also opted out of paying their plumbing fee. Washrooms no longer have toilets, but maintain a rustic outhouse aesthetic. Students now use a hole in

the ground to go about their business, often using leaves as toilet paper. Guelph doesn’t have a green reputation for nothing. The cost of heating U of G throughout the winter months has been enormous. Now, large bonfires crackle throughout the hallways to provide heating. Students are encouraged to bring their blankets from home to enhance the cozy atmosphere. Some would say that food on campus has improved due to optedout fees. Meals are now served on paper napkins and are comprised of bread and water, with some variation: tepid water, cold water, room temperature water, white bread, whole wheat bread, stale bread. For many students the most welcomed change is the option to opt-out of clothing. Students now attend class naked, or nearly naked, comfortable in the thought that they’re saving “outfit-choosing decision time.” Opting-out of clothing has left students feeling “free” and “open.” Despite the noticeable changes

Students who opted-in for electricity received candles. Library staff unimpressed. | Photo obtained via Unsplash

around campus, many students have described things as “business as usual” and “I enjoy the simplistic Middle Ages vibe going on.” Of course, like any major transition, some students have expressed concern. U of G student Fairbanks Winklebottom has said of the

U of G to implement POOP policy NEW FREE SPEECH POLICY OUTLINES ITEM-BY-ITEM FEES, A COMPLEX ALGORITHM, AND “BIG BAD SPEECH” A DA M M AU E

TH E CE NTR AL STU D E NT Association (CSA) has released an item-by-item menu called The People’s Only Option (for) PublicSpeaking (POOP), which has been adopted by U of G, laying out fees for using certain speech on campus. Unlike the olden days, speech has now been itemized into fees based on criteria for an offence. Speech is now evaluated on the “speech graph,” which measures the number of people receiving certain speech as well as how impactful that speech is. Further, fees can be easily charted. “Impact” is defined as anything that has the potential to offend any audience. For example, expressing frustration regarding an instructor’s teaching style to one person will

result in a $25 fee. Of course, the fee increase is based on the complex algorithm of the “speaking principle.” Thus, if the same comment is heard by 100 people, the fee can quite easily amount to $4,732. POOP has also outlined specific “big bad speech” that equates to fixed fees no matter the quantity of recipients. Items on the “big bad speech” list include: • Any and all complaints regarding POOP fees • Any and all comments regarding lack of school spirit • Any and all comments regarding Franco Vaccarino’s head Cussing is also considered “impact” speech. Saying the f-word costs $1.50. Saying “dang” costs $1.05. Thankfully, students can choose to pay off their “speech debt” by

openly using approved speech with utmost sincerity. Various clubs on campus are now billed a minimum of $450 for a single, 30-minute “impact” event, while personal events vary in fees. For example, wearing a sandwich board that says “say no to meat” can carry a fee ranging from $100 to $1,000, depending on the type of meat implied. Also, standing in the University Centre and waving your arms in the air while yelling, “I’m human, I’m human!” can result in a fee of at least $75, depending on whether or not the speaker is in fact human. As for POOP’s overall impact at U of G, no students have come forward to comment.

changes: “it’s nice to have all this opting-out potential, and some, I would say, are fully justified, namely, door knobs. But what will happen if something really important is considered ‘non-essential’ in the future?”

Winklebottom’s fears may be justified. According to U of G administration and the provincial government, future proposed nonessential essentials include: walls, roofs, stairs, and Bob’s Dogs.

The People’s Only Option For Public-Speaking

POOP

Expressing frustration regarding an instructor’s teaching style to one (1) person

$25

The F-word

$1.50

Dang

$1.05

“I’m human, I’m human!”

$75

Sample of free speech menu posted around U of G campus.

FA K E N E WS

M A RCH 14, 2019

TH E O NTA R I O N

City of Guelph offers “Snow-In” service for vindictive residents SNOW PLOWS CARRY OUT DIRTY WORK FOR VENGEFUL GUELPHITES | A DA M M AU E GUELPH RESIDENTS CAN now harness the power of winter. Thanks to the city’s new 24/7 Snow-In ser vice, people can request snowplows to carry out their own personal vendettas against anyone of their choosing, for a small fee. By using the Snow-In smartphone app, vengeance is just a click away. Pinpoint any house or business in Guelph and a snowplow will dump a mountain of snow in front of your target’s property, thus blocking them in. Results are truly satisfying. Take

pleasure in your annoying neighbour finding three metres of snow blocking their driveway. Sleep well knowing that your jerk boss won’t be able to make it into work in the morning. Rejoice knowing that your ex is being buried under a wall of snow. Anonymous Hits are recommended, but personalized Friendly Hits featuring a message to your target are also available. Messages are rolled up inside a thermos and placed atop your target’s freshly received snow heap. Popular messages include:

• “Dear BLANK, stay away from my wife.” • “Dear BLANK, your dog keeps pooping on my lawn. Take this.” • “Howdy neighbour, I hope you have a good day.” Timing is also a consideration. Plan your Hits at opportune moments to fully enhance their effect. For your neighbour, strategic times include: • Just after they’ve shovelled their driveway • Just as they are backing out of their driveway • Just as their despised in-laws

arrive for dinner, so that you may trap them there for the weekend. For best results, wrap yourself up in a blanket with a cup of hot chocolate and watch from the comfort of home using Snow-In’s Hi-Def Snowcam that beams the action directly to your TV. Invite family and friends over to relish in the event — gather around and watch as your neighbour falls down on their knees in agonizing defeat. Since the program rolled out on Feb. 29, business has been booming. An estimated 120 Snow-In Hits are carried out each day in

Guelph alone. Customers report “great satisfaction” and “huge enjoyment” with the Snow-In service. Some customers even barrage their target repeatedly over the course of a few days, which the company calls the special Snowmageddon package deal (when you order three consecutive Snow-Ins the fourth is free). The Snow-In service is currently taking orders for next year’s “season’s greeting” hit list.

Doug Ford finally consults with University Student Unions CALLS THEM CRAZY COMMIE BASTARDS M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

I N AN U N PRECE D E NTE D turn of events for campus policy decisions, Doug Ford and his government have finally consulted with students that are not active in select youth conservative groups. Jack Fisher, president of the Central Student A ssociation (CSA), called the move a step in the right direction, but the execution of the meeting hurtful. “I found the meeting to be a step in the right direction,” Fisher said in an interview with The Contrarion. “He stepped into the meeting with his middle fingers up high and voice raised even higher saying ‘crazy commie bastard’ over and over again.” “He then laughed and we watched him leave Queen’s Park in this tinted-out van. Nour [Alideeb] followed him and she said she saw a lazy-boy in the van,” Fisher continued. “I travelled to Toronto for

this, it just feels disrespectful. I mean I’m not even a socialist.” The Contrarion confirmed with Nour Alideeb, the Central Federation of Students (CFS) chair of Ontario about the incident. “I was angry with Premier Ford about the middle fingers and the commie comment,” said Alideeb. “I followed him to his van and there he was with a pile of chicken wings, sitting in a lazy-boy, and watching a flat-screen television playing a Toronto Maple Leafs game rerun.” The Contrarion reached out to the Ford government for comment. “We don’t talk to commie-loving, leftist rags,” read the email reply from the government. The van has been embroiled in controversy after Ford fired Brad Blair, the former OPP deputy commissioner for leaking documents about the lazy-boy fitted van.

Fuck the people

Xzibit told The Contrarion that Ford paid him over $100,000 to pimp his personal van. Xzibit says he bought a broken down bus for a few hundred then spray painted Ford’s face on it. | Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

“Xzibit worked closely with Ford during the process and I thought the van and hiring Xzibit to a

six-figure salary was a waste of taxpayers’ money,” Blair said in an interview with The Contrarion. “I

had to step up and say something no matter the consequences.”

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

U of G student starts valet service for students who can’t find parking A SOLUTION FOR PARKING WOES — SORT OF

| FA K E N E WS

U of G changes motto from “Improve Life” to “Improve Profits” CHANGE REFLECTS SHIFTING FOCUS OF UNIVERSITY

K AREN K . TRAN

SPENCER MCGREGOR

i e l a v

Justin Time is available to park your car if you whisper Justin three times into any the windows at the back of the University Centre. | Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

HAVE YOU EVER rushed to campus after an infuriating commute that took 18 minutes even though Google Maps promised it would only take seven, been so stressed out because you’ve only got three minutes before you’re late for your class with a huge assignment due at the start, then sat and cried in the middle of the parking lot because you couldn’t find a space to park your car? If so, you’re not alone. After failing out of his firstyear seminar on time management because he was chronically late for class and always forgot to do his assignments, Justin Time blamed it on the lack of available parking spaces on campus. He tried to think of a solution, but unfortunately couldn’t rise up to the occasion despite his mother begging him to “just wake up earlier,” and his professor’s advice to “please start taking notes in class

so I can at least say you tried and give you a passing grade.” However, Time’s luck began to change when he attended the annual charity gala for legless lizards awareness on campus. Dressed in his formal attire, he was mistaken for a valet at the event. “Some guy just pulled up in his Mercedes and tossed me his keys and a fiver, then left,” said Time. “I didn’t know what to do with the car actually so I just left it where it was.” Eventually, Time put two and two together and realized he could earn money just by dressing up in a tuxedo and waiting for someone to drive up to him. So far, Time has been frequenting parking lots on campus with a cardboard sign reading “Va-lei” until someone desperate enough tosses him some cash and jumps out of their car. Several of Time’s customers have complained to U of G about the

unreliable valet service after their cars get towed, or had their car misplaced because Time forgot where it was parked. The Contrarion reached out to U of G administration and a representative who asked to remain anonymous had this to say about the matter: “We currently do not offer an official valet service and discourage students and faculty members from approaching anyone offering to park their car. We are aware of the lack of available parking on campus and in response, we will start selling more parking passes.” When asked if these new passes would be for a new parking lot, the representative responded: “What’s that now? Oh, no, we are not creating more parking spaces, we are just going to sell more passes so that more people are allowed to park. Our job is to know what students want and this is it. It’s all very exciting.”

UNIVERSITIES HAVE long been thought of as institutions of the public good, meant to educate and prepare each generation of people to be engaged citizens. Now, universities have become more of a business, meant to maximize the amount of money made. President Franco Vaccarino gave us his reasoning behind the updated motto. “We want to be honest and transparent here at the U of G, and the fact is, our main goal is to make money, so we thought we should be up front about that.” Vaccarino told The Contrarion that “Improv[ing] Life” would involve: • Removing unnecessary administrative fees (e.g. $75 extra for online courses, $50 to carry over meal plan dollars, late fees for graduation, etc.) • Making textbooks free • Freezing tuition fees • Seeking to lower costs to make education more accessible and less of a burden for students struggling financially Conversely, “Improv[ing] Profits” would involve: • Raising tuition by the maximum amount allowed every year • Hiring precarious part-time positions instead of full-time union positions • Hiring sessional lec turers instead of faculty • Allowing contracts with corporations to outweigh student demands — for instance, Vaccarino said that U of G can’t ban the sale of bottled water since Coca-Cola is the owner of the water bottle company • Buying the thinnest, one-ply toilet paper available “Looking at the actions that the University of Guelph has taken

over the years it is clear the main goal is to improve profits,” Vaccarino said, aggressively bouncing between various spreadsheets and graphs while sweating and wiping his forehead with more spreadsheets. Recently, when faced with the dilemma of whether to divest from fossil fuel companies, the administration chose to maintain the $38 million of investments it has in the industry. They cited their new motto as a key reason for this decision. “We know climate change is happening, and we know the effects of global warming are going to impact predominantly poor people around the globe, but that’s not our problem. We’re in the business of making money, and the fossil fuel industry donates generously to our campus,” said a senior administrator who demanded to remain anonymous. President Vaccarino elaborated on their upcoming plans. “Our message to all potential donors is: the University of Guelph is open for business. We’re in talks right now to make prominent spaces on campus more available to advertisers. We’re looking for oil under buildings. Billboards will be installed on the sides of major buildings throughout campus and will be available to the highest bidder,” Vaccarino said. VP of Finance Don O’Leary speculated about future trends on campus. “Just wait until tuition is deregulated and we can increase fees by any amount we want, then you’ll see our new motto in full force,” Don O’leary said.

Improve Proﬁts

CREDIT: HEATHER GILMORE

“Get money, that’s the motto,” Vaccarino said tossing spreadsheets into the air. | Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

FA K E N E WS

M A RCH 14, 2019

TH E O NTA R I O N

Contrarion discovers Ford uses one tub of hair gel per day HAIR GEL IS ACTUALLY MAYONNAISE M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

A MONTH-LONG investigation into rumours surrounding what is used to hold Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s hair so far back on his head has concluded with all evidence pointing to bathtubs upon bathtubs full of mayonnaise. The Ontario government and the office of the premier denies all mayo-related claims. “Doug Ford uses nothing but hot water to keep his naturally slicked hair back,” an Ontario news press release reads. “There is no excessive use of hair gel or food products to grease the Premier’s beautiful, flowing locks.” The Contrarion’s investigation contradicts the statement by Ontario News, which is a mouthpiece for the Ontario government, through various photo collages obtained by The Contrarion of Premier Ford bathing in what appears to be Hellmann’s Mayonnaise. Audio recordings matching Ford’s vocal patterns were also sent to The Contrarion by an anonymous source. In the recordings, Ford is heard bathing in what sounds like a tub of mayonnaise before dunking

his head in the well-loved condiment and emerging whispering the phrase: “Perfect hair, folks.” The Contrarion spoke to a number of MPPs, including Guelph MPP Mike Schreiner, about the Hellmann’s mayo allegations. “I’ve stood beside Premier Ford a number of times,” Schreiner told The Contrarion. “And I don’t know what it is, but he always smells like vinegar, mayo, and pepperette sticks.” Three other non-Conservative MPPs agreed with Schreiner but asked to remain off the record out of concern for their careers and possible vengeance that may be exacted against their own hair regimens. When told about the tubs full of mayonnaise investigation, Schreiner said it “makes total sense.” Ron Taverner, the new OPP commissioner and Ford’s publicly acknowledged friend, told The Contrarion that the claims are “categorically false, like that time President Donald J. Trump was accused of sexual harassment for simply engaging in the American tradition of locker room talk.” “L ook I’m a cop and best

Doug Ford said he will push hair gel and mayonnaise companies to create a buck-a-tub hair gel. | Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

friends with Doug Ford. We’ve known each other since Dougie dropped out of college and had the best hash in Etobicoke back in the ’80s. The guys loved that Afghan,” Taverner told The Contrarion, eyes red. “Dougie used to slide it to us guys on the force for

years, free of charge, man. It was fan-fucking-tastic.” “And in all the years since, I’ve always known Doug Ford as a greaser with his hair, right. And none, and I mean zero, use of mayo,” Taverner continued. “Maybe some Miracle Whip from

time to time, but no, never mayonnaise as far as I know.” The Contrarion also received a tip from an anonymous source at Queen’s Park detailing renovations to the office of the premier to be fitted with a personal washroom and a bathtub.

Ford tries to cut number of MPPs in half, is told he can’t do that DOUG FORD GETS SCHOOLED IN THE WAYS OF GOVERNMENT LIAM BAKER

IN MID-FEBRUARY, Doug Ford, premier of Ontario and leader of the Ontario PC party, decided he would like to increase his power within the province. After meeting with the members of his cabinet, Ford realized that his best plan of action for achieving his goal would to be to cut the number of MPPs in half. This way, it would be easier for Ford to receive total control of the provincial government, as fewer officials would need to be elected. “After meeting with my minions [what Ford calls the members of his cabinet], I decided, completely on my own, that it would be a brilliant idea to chop the provincial government in half,” said Ford, premier and former hash dealer. “That way there would be fewer seats to fill, and I would have an easier time getting my friends into office.” Ford’s plan has been seen as a positive step forward by many within his cabinet. Some saw it as a responsible and forward-thinking approach towards achieving total, absolute control over the province. “I think Dougie is really showing initiative here,” said Rob Tavern, a former candidate to be Ontario’s top cop and Ford’s former partner in crime during his

hash selling heyday in the 1980s. “I don’t know for sure if it can be done, but if anyone can do it, it’ll be good ol’ Dougie.” Ford is almost certain that his new proposed plan will be accepted by the Ontario legislature. So certain, that is, that he decided to make a bet with former premier, Dalton McGuinty. “Dally doesn’t believe that I can do it, so I made an offer he couldn’t refuse,” says the Buck-OBeer spokesperson. “I told him I’d give three cases of No Name beer and an ounce of hash.” Later in the week, though, it appeared Ford’s hopes and dreams were to be crushed by none other than the lieutenant governor. When Elizabeth Dowdeswell caught wind of Ford’s plan, she immediately knew she had to put an end to it. Dowdeswell, who was appointed by Stephen Harper, believes that Ford is bringing shame to her beloved PC party. “He does know he literally isn’t allowed to do that, right?” Dowdeswell asked Ford, who was visibly upset with the news. Ford claimed that he was going to take a chapter from his hero, Donald Trump’s, book. As everyone

Ford was told he can’t cut MPPs in half, so he took his axes to Ottawa to cut the MPs in half. | Photo edited Alora Griffiths

in the province seemingly already compares the premier to the president, this seemingly comes as no surprise. Ford seems to have been inspired by the recent government shut down in the South and wants to begin one of his own. “If Dowdeswell won’t allow me to chop the government in half, I’ll shut this whole province down, just like my homeboy Trump did in the good ol’ U.S. of A”, claims the former “Mayor of Etobicoke.” After hearing Ford’s response, Dowdeswell was clearly flabbergasted. She is now demanding re-election, and an

investigation into how fit Ford is to run the province. “Seriously, how did this goof get into office? Like, did the province vote midday on St. Paddy’s or something? Clearly, Ford is not fit for office, and I want to call a re-election,” a clearly happy Dowdeswell stated. As of yet, the re-election has not received a date, but it is expected to take place sometime in the upcoming weeks. Voters are asked to strongly think long and hard before voting and are encouraged to please stay away from any

inebriating substances at least three hours before casting their votes. The Contrarion reached out to the office of the prime minister for comment to ask about the proposed changes to Queen’s Park and if the premier has the authority to dissolve ridings. “Yeah, no,” the statement from Prime Minister Trudeau read. “That’s going to be a big no from me, dawg. Could you explain that to Doug when you interview him? I’ve tried to over and over and he still doesn’t get it.”

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| FA K E N E WS

U of G President Franco Frackarino announces plans for oil extraction under McLaughlin Library

Doug Ford announces optional provincial income tax

OPERATION WILL BE PART OF UNIVERSITY’S SUSTAINABILITY FRAMEWORK

CITIZEN CHOICE INITIATIVE AIMS TO ALLOW PERSONALIZED FUNDING DECISIONS

AIDEN BRUSHETT

AT A RECENT press conference, University of Guelph President Franco Frackarino presented an ambitious new project to begin extracting oil from below the McLaughlin Library over a 10-year period. Following exploratory drilling performed over the February 2019 reading week, an estimated 45 million barrels worth of oil have been discovered underneath the University, the bulk of which is located directly below McLaughlin Library. The library will be temporarily closed and dismantled for the oil extraction process, beginning in September 2019 and ending in late 2029. Johnston Green will also close for operations and be renamed to Johnston Black. President Frackarino claims the plan will complement the University’s goals to increase climate action on campus. “This project will help us become energy independent,” Frackarino told The Contrarion. “And, all

extraction machinery will run on renewable energy. We want to send the message that business is booming at the University of Guelph.” The announcement is one of several made this semester to bolster the University’s commitments to sustainability. For instance, in January the Board of Governors passed a visionary motion to divest a total of zero dollars from the fossil fuel industry. The remaining $38 million will continue to be invested in the industry. The extraction project has sparked immediate controversy within the university community, especially among students. Many revere the McLaughlin Library as an important and historical part of student culture, even considering it as home. Students argue they were not consulted at all during the decision-making process and did not provide prior, informed consent for the project. Frackarino declined to comment on allegations that consent was not

given, instead reaffirming the U of G’s commitment to improving life and honouring students’ rights. But student culture isn’t the only area raising concern. Global authorities on climate change say that humanity has a 2030 deadline to address catastrophic climate change, and critics say the U of G’s new plan is a step backwards. Don Oil ’ear y, U of G V P Finance and Risk, disagrees. “So we’ve got 11 years to stop climate change. That’s why our extraction plan is only 10 years long. We can boost our profits and still have a whole entire year to prevent catastrophe,” said Oil’eary earlier this week in an interview with The Contrarion. Even so, student groups claim that the new plan clashes with the institution’s green image. President Frackarino replied, “Climate change is not a binary issue, and as an institution, we’re taking a holistic stance. Just look at our investments!” With the fate of McLaughlin Library in limbo, Frackarino reassured students early this week that there is nothing to be concerned for. “We are making Guelph green again!”

SPENCER MCGREGOR

WE OPTED OUT OF PAYING OUR PHOTOGRAPHER FOR THIS PHOTO

See photo for details.

RESIDENTS OF ONTARIO will now be able to allocate their taxes to categories of their choosing, or to opt-out completely. For example, if you don’t drive much, you won’t have to fund road-building and maintenance. If you don’t like the cost of bureaucratic salaries, you don’t have to fund them. If you aren’t sick, don’t fund healthcare. When questioned about who he consulted before making this change, Ontario Premier Doug Ford said, “We definitely did some consultation, I talked to a group of libertarians and they seemed very supportive of the idea, so we went ahead with it.” Mostly everyone else in the province is worried about the consequences.

“Campus buildings will be effectively demolished so that oil can be excavated from below their foundations,” Frackarino said. | Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

“It seems like a hasty decision that may have unintended consequences. How will these services be provided effectively if the funding is not guaranteed?” asked one member of the opposition party. When asked whether he had considered that funding for his salary could be in jeopardy, Ford responded, “Well, no, that didn’t occur to me. I guess I didn’t think that far ahead.” “At least now people will no longer be forced to fund crazy rightist organizations,” Andrea Horwath, leader of the opposition, said in an interview with The Contrarion.

FARTS & CULTURE THE ONTARION

0 9 | DAD JOK ES I N NYC

0 9 | SLUMBER GAMES

@theontarion

Movie stars demand the proletariat watch their company parties $100,000 LOOT BAGS ARE A THING FOR SOME REASON M I R A L I A L M AU L A

EACH AND EVERY year over the last 91 years, the Academy hosts their annual company party: the Academy Awards, which is also called the Oscars for reasons unknown but probably related to some elderly, caucasian gentleman. For those who may be unfamiliar with the Oscars, they are highly similar to the Dundies as seen on the classic television comedy performed in the style of a documentary, The Office. Unlike the Dundies, however, Hollywood celebrates their employees while forcing everyone else to attend their annual company party. It is unclear why others should be int erest ed in Holly wood employees giving each other awards for doing their jobs when this is never reciprocated for those who aren’t performers. After all, the Academy is not alone in this odd behaviour. Others have created their own awards show themed company parties, including the Emmy Awards for television,

the Tony Awards for theatre, and the Grammy Awards for music. “I just don’t see the point in watching something where t here’s no cha nce of me or anyone else I personally know winning an award,” said Mirali Almaula, Editor-in-Chief at The Ontarion and author of this Contrarion article. “I certainly don’t expect movie stars to watch The Ontarion’s volunteer appreciation parties or AGM.” Not only do the Oscars flaunt how beautiful, well-dressed, and talented movie stars are, they also give them their yearly bonuses in the form of party gift bags. This year’s bag was valued at $100,000. “ We thought of mak ing a cheaper bag, but we knew that $100,000 would really get everyone talking because it’s a nice round number,” said Adele Dazeem, Super Official & Real Oscar Spokesperson. “Movie stars are super wealthy, so giving them $100,000 is basically like giving

Steve Carell hosts Hollywood’s 91st annual company party. | Photo edited by Alora Griffiths

a regular person a $1000 bonus.” When asked about the gift bags, Dazeem explained that “it’s all just marketing really — big brands want to see famous beautiful people using their products,

so students who are working minimum wage jobs and recent graduates with student loan debt will pay for those products. It’s not a perfect system, but no one has ever thought of anything better,

so grab some popcorn and join us again next year as we celebrate 92 years of pretty much the exact same thing but newer, shinier, and more disconnected with the average viewer.”

Jonas Brothers’ reunion sparks revival of other Disney stars’ careers FORMER CHILD STARS RECONSIDER GOING BACK TO THEIR ROOTS ELIANA SINICROPI

AFTER A SIX YEAR hiatus the Jonas Brothers have reunited, releasing their first single, “Sucker,” on March 1. The music video features all three of the brothers’ partners, including Joe Jonas’s fiancée, Game of Thrones star Sophie Turner, Nick Jonas’s wife, Quantico star Priyanka Chopra, and Kevin Jonas’s wife, Danielle Jonas. The presence of Chopra in the music video has people speculating about the timing of the Jonas Brothers reunion, as it comes off the heels of Nick and Priyanka’s lavish wedding. Rumours have been floating around that Nick initiated the reunion to afford the wedding of their dreams. However, it seems Nick isn’t the only one looking to return to his Disney roots to alleviate the financial burden and find the spotlight once again. A slew of Disney Channel stars have apparently decided that the Jonas Brothers are onto something after all. Miley Cyrus, who has made no

secret of her distaste to being linked to her childhood character Hannah Montana, has clearly not taken too well to the lack of media attention following her return to her countrypop roots. She was seen sporting flashy blonde highlights and extensions on a Saturday morning coffee run. Allegedly the star has been placing her Starbucks orders under the pseudonym Hannah. Is this nostalgia or a return to her former persona? In a recent interview with Jimmy Fallon, Zac Efron explained that he had trouble “breaking free” of his High School Musical character and had to “bet on himself” in order to succeed in Hollywood. However, maybe due to feeling the strain of following up his Ted Bundy biopic, Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Vile and Evil, with something equally bold, there are rumours of a Broadway debut with former co-stars Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens. Though Efron was unavailable for comment, an inside source told The Contrarion that Efron is scared

Like the JoBros, will Hannah Montana and the cast of High School Musical make a triumphant return to show business? | Photo obtained via YouTube

of losing momentum and “misses the success of his Disney Channel days” where it was all “easy money and dramatic dance sequences.” Most shocking though has been Selena Gomez’s almost permanent residence at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Now for those of you who have forgotten, the “Back to You” singer began her rise to fame by playing Alex Russo on The Wizards of Waverly Place. Vacationing tourists have claimed to spotting the pop singer acting oddly, waving a wand around in

what is, according to one tourist’s estimation, a poor imitation of the Disney Channel logo. No comment yet on if this behaviour is linked to her soon to be released music video which Gomez promised would be “a real throwback” on Twitter. Finally, following in the Jonas Brothers’ footsteps and reconnecting with their Disney Channel rise to fame are the Sprouse twins. Both Dylan and Cole Sprouse have signed onto a Parent Trap reboot set to be released in 2020. They were seen on set in matching

polo shirts and cargo shorts eerily reminiscent of their Suite Life of Zack and Cody days. Cole Sprouse even ditched his Jughead Jonesinspired dark locks in favour of matching his twin brother. It seems the Sprouse twins have come to the same realization as the Jonas Brothers. Striking out on your own just isn’t as fruitful as working the Disney Channelapproved family angle.

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

Much-anticipated release of final Slumber Games book SNOOZANNE B. COLLINS SERIES A BIG HIT C A R L E I G H C AT H C A R T

MockingBird

zz z

Snoozanne B. Collins RENOWNED AUTHOR Snoozanne B. Collins has finally released Mockingbird, the last installment of her hit trilogy, The Slumber Games. Critics are already describing the book as “amazing” and “a real page-turner,” with one reviewer calling it “a book worth staying up late reading — ironically.” The Slumber Games series centres on the struggles of teenager Katnap Everdeen in the dystopian PanREM district. Facing a future of precarious employment with a food delivery app, Everdeen forfeits the prospects of a job lost to automation, deciding instead to attend Primrest University. Upon setting foot in the crowded dorm she will call home for eight months, Everdeen realizes too late that she has indebted herself both literally and emotionally to an institution that will forever reference her as merely a seven-digit student number. From this first revelation, Collins weaves a web of misfortunes faced by Everdeen, including midterm schedules, vague grading rubrics, and endless Scantron forms. Problems climax when Everdeen is forced to participate in the tri-annual Slumber Games, a contest held by university elite that pits students against each other in a race to the top of the academic ladder.

Particularly unsettling is the self-imposed detachment of the so-called Evaluators, who concern themselves with broad slogans and fossil fuel investments while blatantly disregarding the mental health of Katnap and her peers. Amidst the challenge of balancing classes, extracurriculars, jobs, relationships, and personal health, Evaluators attempt to appease the students with hashtags and dogpetting sessions so as to prevent a second rebellion. As academic debts grow amidst a declining applicability of university education to the real world, Everdeen grapples with some difficult choices, ultimately failing to realize she essentially has none. When the first book in the series — The Slumber Games — was released, critics everywhere were overwhelmed by readers’ positive responses. Collins thrilled enthusiasts with the announcement of two books to follow. June 2016’s sequel Catching Five Winks was similarly received, and last week’s release of Mockingbird has been greatly anticipated. While the retail statistics remain to be seen, there is little doubt that Mockingbird stands to be Collins’ biggest success yet. Fans will also be happy to know there are plans to adapt the trilogy to film. Rumours currently point to actress Jennifer Snorence as the favourite to portray heroine Katnap.

| FA RT S & CU LTU R E

N YC PH OTO E S SAY

I took my dad to New York City for reading week S TO RY & P H OTO S BY L AU R A VAU TO U R

MY DAD, Daniel Vautour, visited NYC in the ’70s on his own and, with much convincing, made the trip again with me this past reading week. Although my dad graduated from the University of Guelph with a diploma in agriculture, he appreciates the creative arts as he is a professional photographer and musician. If you ask anyone who knows my dad, he is the king of dad jokes, and while visiting museums in the big apple, he had plenty of them to share. He has always tried his best to encourage me to follow my dreams of pursuing a career in the arts and this trip was a great way of making fun memories with him.

Daniel and Laura Vautour in front of Monet’s Water Lilies.

“Hey, I know this guy!”

“Just the way NYC pizza should be, full of sauce and cheese!”

“Hey, look — a car that I can fit perfectly in.”

“I’m ready to go home now.”

DAD IN THE BIG

SPORTS & HA HA HEALTH THE ONTARION

1 0 | C H A I R M A N CHOW

1 1 | NEW SPORTS

@theontarion

CSA New trading format announced by Big-4 leagues COMMISSIONERS OF ALL FOUR loophole SPORTS IMPLEMENT allows one MAJOR “ANYTHING GOES” FOR TRADES student the power to rule them all STO RY BY R ACH E L WE IT Z & PH OTOS O BTAI N E D VIA WI KI M E D IA CO M M O N S

EGO’S NEW CHAIRMAN JUST GOT AN EGO BOOST M A R S C H E S T E R C H OW

Supreme ruler, Chairman Chow.

THANKS TO A LOOPHOLE in the CSA club system, fourth year U of G student and writer of this article Mars Chester Chow was able to write in and take over the Electronic Gaming Organization, otherwise known as EGO. The loophole was quite simple to exploit, beginning with the accreditation process. Anyone can accredit a club under the current process, which is set up by the Central Student Association (CSA). All that is needed is to find a club that is still in the accreditation process. After doing just that, Chow wrote himself in as the chairman of EGO. With this title, Chairman Chow can overturn any ruling within the club and everyone must follow what he says. With the successful takeover of this club, Chow now sets his sights on all other clubs seeking accreditation. Chow plans to unite all clubs under one banner. He foresees little resistance since most clubs will probably no longer be able to function anyway due to Doug Ford and his Student Choice Initiative.

ON MARCH 5, it was announced that, starting next season for each respective Big-4 professional sports league, the trading format would be drastically changed. A meeting was held for all NFL, NHL, NBA, and MLB team general managers, owners, and league commissioners concerning various issues impacting major sports in recent years. One issue brought

up by Gary Bettman, commissioner of the NHL who is known for doing flat-out dumb things, was the imbalance in trades between teams. Bettman cited the 2016 trade between the Edmonton Oilers and New Jersey Devils, in which he approved Edmonton exchanging elite forward Taylor Hall for New Jersey’s one-dimensional, and quite frankly useless

Here is a list of potential trades that would earn league approval in any of the major sports leagues:

Adam Larsson. In the following season playing for the Devils, Hall went on to earn the Hart Trophy (NHL MVP award), while Larsson was, as previously stated, useless for the Oilers. Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner who is known for allowing controversial things to happen under his watch, suggested changing the trade platform altogether. This isn’t nearly as controversial as allowing NFL players to continue playing football after beating up their romantic partners, but it did raise some eyebrows at the meeting. The other two commissioners, Robert Manfred and Adam Silver of the MLB and NBA respectively,

were opposed to this until dummy Bettman suggested an “anything goes” trade deadline. Trades leading up to the deadline, which occurs in late February for both the NBA and NHL , would be limited to the transaction of players and draft picks, but come the deadline, anything goes. Mike Babcock, head coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, told The Contrarion he’s “not too sure what’s going on here, but barbecue sounds real good and Sparks plays real bad.” For more information, visit the NHL, NBA, NFL, and MLB websites under the “Fake News” section.

Toronto Maple Leafs trade goalie Garret Sparks to Carolina Hurricanes for two years’ supply of barbecue at any restaurant in Raleigh, N.C.

Golden State Warriors trade point guard Stephen Curry to Los Angeles Lakers for free surfing lessons on Venice Beach each time the Warriors visit Los Angeles. New England Patriots trade tight end Rob Gronkowski to Kentucky Fried Chicken (yes, the fast food chain) for free meals any time, any place, forever. Boston Red Sox trade all their money to a team who deserves a chance to win, for once.

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| S P O RT S & HA HA H E A LTH

U of G Department of Athletics incorporates “alternative sports” to varsity program THE GAME OF CATCH HAS ARRIVED S TO RY BY A DA M M AU E & P H OTO S O B TA I N E D V I A F L I C K R

U OF G HAS JUST added “alternative sports” to its varsity athletics program which will be recognized under Ontario University Athletics (OUA) and U Sports. Students can now try out for and compete in a range of newly added sports. In this issue of The Contrarion, we take a closer look at some of these sports.

For the dorm room lounger, the timeless game of “tossing a ball back and forth to somebody” has arrived. Athletes will sit in a cushioned reclining chair and toss

a ball back and forth to an opponent. The first player to drop the ball loses. Players can also play as a team to see how many tosses can be achieved in a row. It is a game of intense hand-eye coordination, often accompanied by mellow, lo-fi hip-hop beats.

The great game of “ juggling three scarves in the air” has also been recognized as a varsity sport. Players line up in a row and try to outlast the competition in the iron-will challenge of keeping their

scarves off the ground the longest. Often, it is a game lasting several hours until a winner is crowned. It is a game of endurance and concentration for athlete and audience alike. In an added dimension, the audience member to sit through the event the longest wins the “most loyal sports fan” award.

For fans of basketball, “ballbasket” has come to Guelph. Some history: “ballbasket” originated in the Swiss Alps in 1921 when Dr. Alexander Fridgeholder researched ways to pass time while working in an office. Contenders would sit in a spinny chair and take turns throwing paper balls from a distance into a wastebasket, while

keeping score, often trying to block their opponent’s toss. Today, “ballbasket” takes its rightful place beside its basketball cousin. Players line-up their shots, from a spinny chair, and compete until somebody reaches 50 points, often while avoiding the impending doom of ignoring their responsibilities.

A major addition includes “shooting an elastic band at a target.” Like a bow and arrow, the elastic band is shot with eagle-eye precision. Athletes can expect to stand behind a firing line and take aim at targets a few metres away. The athlete to hit the most targets wins. Shots are analyzed in slow motion to confirm the most accurate shot rounded to

one eighth of a millimeter. Safety goggles are required. Next in line for varsity-level status includes: egg tossing, axe throwing, and tiger wrestling.

It is a game of intense hand-eye coordination, often accompanied by mellow, lo-fi hip-hop beats.

Looking to get involved with a non-profit organization?

VOLUNTEER FOR THE ONTARION

BOARD OF DIRECTORS Contact Josh at jmillen@theontarion.com for more information.

EST. 1951

F U N PAG E

The Ontarion

SUDOKU

COMMUNITY CHALKBOARD

Fill in the empty squares so that each of the digits 1 through 9 appear once in each row, column, and 3-by-3 block.

4 3

FRED EAGLESMITH - MARCH

Elora RC Legion Hall Br. 229, 110 Metcalfe St., Elora, ON, N0B 1S0 7pm Saturday, 16 March Tickets $30 Advance, $35 Door Advance tickets at Elora Legion AND www.fredeaglesmith.com

1 6

1 3

7 4

FRED EAGLESMITH - APRIL

Eden Mills Community Club Hall 104 York Street, Eden Mills, ON, N0B 1P0 7:30pm, Saturday 13 April Advance Tickets at The Beat Goes On, Guelph AND www.fredeaglesmith.com

3 7

CROSSWORD CLUES Down

1–IRS IDs

1–Radical ‘60s org.

5–Accumulate

2–Ocean traveler

10–Quick punch

3–Like some mountain

13–Like an abyss

guides

14–Signify

4–Small blemish

16–Downed

5–Abbr. on a toothpaste box

17–Soapy

6–Hajj destination

19–Mohawk-sporting actor

7–Lend ___

20–Destiny

8–Before long

21–Artilleryman

9–Astound

23–Proverb ending?

10–Son of Mary, Queen of

24–Skin marking, often due

Scots

to injury

11–Still

26–Greek peak

12–Be unfaithful

27–Respiration

15–”___ Beso” (1962 hit)

29–Lucidity

18–Snug spot

32–Scottish loch, home to a

22–And not

monster!

23–___ Saud

33–Director’s shout

25–Brownish gray baboon

36–Rebirth of the soul in a

28–___ was saying...

new body

29–Pres., militarily

41–Collision

30–Feel intense aversion

42–Spiny houseplant

31–Picnic pest

44–Patella

34–___ Crunch

48–Sharpening

35–Musical syllable

50–Able was ___...

37–Tuck’s partner

51–Excuse me...

38–Singer Janis

53–Brandy letters

39–Extra virgin unctuous fluid

54–Colorful vocabulary

40–Malarkey

58–Understanding words

43–Self-esteem

60–Conscription org.

44–Where you’re likely to get

61–Approximations

smacked

64–Fair-hiring abbr.

45–Wrestling hold

65–Ham

46–Rubs out

66–Ascend

47–Poet’s dusk

67–Hosp. workers

49–Exclude

68–Hotpoint rival

51–Heartburn

69–Robt. ___

52–Macho guys 55–Fancy that! 56–West Point inits.

For your chance to win TWO FREE BOB’S DOGS, submit a completed crossword to The Ontarion office, UC 264, by Tuesday, March 26 at 3 p.m. Winners are announced in theto win For your chance paper each week and TWO FREE BOB’S should collect their DOGS, submit a voucher from The completed crossword Ontarion office. to The Ontarion office, UC 264, by Jan. 7, 2018 at CROSSWORD 3 P.M. Winners TBA in our WINNER FROM January 17, 2019 issue 186.4 and should collect WANG theirBEINI voucher from The Ontarion office.

A N S W E R S F R O M 1 8 6. 4

Across

Contact Patrick for more information on the Community Chalkboard at psutherland@theontarion.com

O D

M S

E M P E

U M

R O O E

A 26

E N 28

N O

O R

A 53

N G

P O

E M

I 27

A G A

O R

52 60

L E

10 15

33 36

TINA YAN 45

62–Southern constellation 63–Visualize

40 43

63 66

57–Molecule part 59–Regal address

19 21

18 20

BRUCE MATHEWS SARAH OATLEY

CROSSWORD

CONGRATS ON GETTING THE CROSSWORD RIGHT! BETTER LUCK ON THE DRAW NEXT TIME :)

P O D

A M E

A M

A T

M N O

C O

O O

U N

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| S P O RT S & HA HA H E A LTH

CONTRARION CLASSIFIEDS Bargain trades in Guelph!

Guelphites and Gryphons looking to get rid of stuff and then replace it with other stuff. Interested in a trade? Tweet about it to let us know @theontarion.

U of G graduate dairy farmer WILL trade crate of homemade butter. Wants U of G sweater (1978).

Farmer turned ornithologist can produce 10 litres of unpasteurized cow milk TODAY. Seeks birdwatcher’s handbook.

Ex-veterinarian in search of pair 45-kilogram Caesar salad of red clown shoes. Will swap available. Salad-loving family for lightly used dog whistle. Or will trade for bundle of dry new dog whistle, but lightly timber (pine preferred, but used is preferable. open to negotiation).

Three lawn chairs to offer. Hobbyist hoping to exchange for 1000 metre spool of very fine fishing line.

Experienced hunter wishing to acquire moose costume. Has at disposal two bales of golden hay to trade.

Instructor willing to teach 20hour online Spanish course hoping to be paid with a ‘bovinafide’ dairy cow.

Landlord to trade pool table (without pool cues). Hungry for AT LEAST 35 boxes of Belgian chocolate.

Motel owner to trade off taxidermy horse head. Would like a dog or a cat (alive).

Butcher hoping to acquire every Nicolas Cage movie on DVD. Can trade box of GOOD steaks.

Old man DESPERATE to find a fisherman’s yellow jacket. Can supply ball of grey hair to trade. Origins of hair unverified.

Serious collector seeking an original Furby. Must be in original package. Willing to trade 65 kilograms of brown rice. Cooked rice only. Self-proclaimed news freak to trade orange house cat. Wanting 32 copies of a particular issue of The Ontarion. Must guess correct issue to acquire feline.

Man looking to relieve self of octopus. Tank included. Will trade for golden bust of The Pope.

Assortment of baseball cards at hand. Man will swap for ACCURATE miniature of Guelph ONLY.

URGENT. Downtown Guelph A washing board, jug, and Student hopes to trade deck HURRY. Freshly caught Amateur barber to give haircut shopper in need of one-hour fiddle READY NOW. Bartender of cards with breeds of dogs salmon. Earlybird will wrap in return for few tufts of 100 parking receipt. Can offer a can give IMMEDIATELY for a on it for two watermelons or up and deliver to you directly per cent, genuine goat hair. very purple sweater. very floppy wig. best offer. in return for waffle maker.

Clerk in possession of Film buff seeks 1949’s best picture Academy Award trophy. treasure map. Will trade for Offering the driver side door of bag of peeled white potatoes or unrelated treasure. a Camaro or equivalent.

Dentist looking to dispense of wrestler’s mask. Will trade for house plant, potted cactus preferred.

KIDS? Child leash available TODAY!!! Scholar to trade for ANY early 1900s photographs.

Woman looking to part with pretzel wagon. Seeking a quality piano bench to sit on that has a good story behind it.

Compiled by Adam Maue

LOOKING FOR A JOB? we’re hiring! POSITIONS AVAILABLE:

Editor-In-Chief Multi-Media Content Creator & Editor Director of Layout & Design

SEE PG. 24 FOR MORE INFORMATION

n Jan. 17, 2019, the provincial government announced that they are cutting tuition by 10 per cent and freezing those tuition rates for the next two years. The changes to tuition were made alongside three major changes that will impact students and staff at the University of Guelph: The cancellation of the free tuition program, which gave students with parents of a combined salary of $50,000 grants that covered tuition. Students who have been out of high school for four years were also eligible for the program. The free tuition program has been reverted to the grant-and-loan system, which will give lower-income students partial grants while making OSAP loans available. The six-month grace period for loans was scrapped, leaving students to accumulate interest on their student loan debt as soon as they graduate rather than giving them time to find a job or time to pay the capital down. The introduction of the Student Choice Initiative (SCI), which will delineate between “essential” and “non-essential” services. Essential services will have secured funding through certain student fees that are mandatory whereas non-essential services will give students the option to opt-out of those fees. This includes fees that were decided through the democratic process of asking and passing referendum questions to undergraduate students. WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT THE STUDENT CHOICE INITIATIVE

In leaked documents from the Ministry of Training, Colleges and Universities (MTCU) first reported by The Varsity, the University of Toronto student newspaper, “essential” fees will include: • Athletics and recreation • Health and wellness • Safe walk programs • Mental health services • Student buildings • Career services • Student ID cards Health and dental plans will remain in their pre-SCI form, allowing students to have an opt-out option through their student union. All other ancillary fees will be considered “non-essential” and will have an opt-out option. According to the leaked documents, the opt-out selection process will be online and will be provided up front during the initial tuition billing. Fees are also to be “itemized individually” to give what the MTCU calls full transparency, enforcing a measure that will prevent institutions from bundling student fees. For example, bundling a campus radio station and newspaper together under a media fee. In a video post by the Carleton chapter of the Ontario Public Research Interest Group (OPRIG), Outreach and Programming Coordinator Brad Evoy made calls to the MTCU to ask if OSAP will cover ancillary fees. In two phone calls, two different representatives, including Maria Mellas who is the director (acting) at the Student Financial Assistance Branch, confirmed that OSAP will not cover the ancillary fees leaving students to pay out-of-pocket for any services from “non-essential” organizations. Evoy told The Ontarion that MTCU has been silent in his follow-ups with Minister Merilee Fullerton regarding further clarification on the policy. The Ontarion has not heard back after multiple requests for an interview or a statement from Minister Fullerton and parliamentary assistant David Piccini.

CONSERVATIVES MAINTAIN CAMPUS ORGANIZATIONS WILL SURVIVE IF THEY INNOVATE MATTEO CIMELLARO

At billing, 88 per cent will go to tuition (at the least expensive tuition available), 9 per cent will go to mandatory student fees, and less than 3 per cent of fees will be blanketed under non-essential.

Nonessential 20.8% Tuition 88.1%

Essential 79.2%

QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE STUDENT CHOICE INITIATIVE

Some of the biggest questions surrounding the SCI include: • How much autonomy an institution will have over categorizing “essential” and “non-essential” services and fees • If there will be an accountability measure and what that will look like • If first-year undergraduate students will be allowed to opt-out of fees when they are not yet familiar with the different organizations and services that are provided Many critics say that MTCU and the Ford government continue to leave students and institutions in the dark about the finalized document. “No one seems to have gotten the final documentation, they’ve been given some directives to follow up with timelines,” Evoy said. “One of the key aspects the Ford government has operated in a whole bunch of areas has been acting incredibly vague, and this started from their campaign onward to now. “So I think this is just a highlight on how [the Ford government] operate[s], which is by making broad demands and providing no actual solutions,” he continued. The Ontarion asked Carrie Chassels, Vice-Provost Student Affairs at U of G, for comment regarding any directives the government has given the University on multiple occasions. Chassels said that she could not comment until the final document is received. It is not clear when the Ford government will release the final document to university administration and when that information will be shared with the media, students, or staff. The Ontarion asked the Guelph Campus Conservatives for an interview or statement regarding their thoughts on the OSAP changes and the SCI. They said their statement reflects the statement released by the Ontario PC Campus Association. ACCOUNTABILITY MEASURE IN PLACE

There have been rumours of an accountability measure around the SCI; in the leaked documents, there was a section on “compliance” that will add monitoring or enforcement mechanisms to the ancillary fee policy.

Non-essential services

The documents state that if the MTCU becomes aware of prohibited fees being charged to students, or if “non-essential” fees are being charged as “essential,” then institutions will be expected to reimburse students for those fees. The MTCU may also reduce operating grants by “a commensurate amount.” It is still unclear what the accountability measure will look like and if there will be some sort of phone line, or if the MTCU will deal with whistleblowers directly. In a statement to The Ontarion, Ciara Byrne (issues coordinator at MTCU) said that the MTCU is not introducing any new reporting or compliance measures. Byrne confirmed that if an institution is found to charge a fee that has been prohibited under the government’s SCI framework then the MTCU will require the institution to refund the amount, or if the fee cannot be refunded, the institution’s operating grant can be reduced by an amount corresponding to the revenue raised by the prohibited fee. Additionally, the MTCU may also implement ongoing monitoring of an institution if they believe a situation is deemed to warrant additional measures. In an interview with The Ontarion, Kieran Moloney, president of the Carleton Campus Conservatives, said he supports an accountability measure, but that he has heard nothing from the provincial government. Moloney drafted something similar to the SCI that he presented at the conservative policy convention that called for all non-academic fees to be opt-out. However, that policy never reached the floor. He drafted the policy after leading a failed referendum campaign to have Carleton break ties from the Central Federation of Students (CFS). The accountability measure is important for Moloney to keep student organizations within the opt-out framework the Ford government mandated. “There is a concern for me that student groups who don’t want to have their funding cut might just change their mandate in order to keep their funding, and be deemed essential,” Moloney told The Ontarion. “What’s stopping a student union saying ‘okay we provide CPR Training or First Aid training therefore we’re a health provider and we’re essential.’ There has to be a clear distinction there.”

Essential services

Out of 37 non-essential services, 29 are under five dollars. In comparison, out of seven essential services five of them are over 25 dollars with the highest fees being over 100 dollars

FIRST-YEAR OPT-OUTS AND THE FREE-RIDING PROBLEM

Another concern is wondering if first-years will have the ability to opt-out of funding for organizations they are not familiar with. Critics worry that many new students may seek to opt-out of funding to save on their first year of school, or parents of first-years who are paying for their schooling will choose to opt out. Byrne said that first years will have the option to opt-out of non-essential fees at the time of billing. “One of our big concerns, in particular, first years as a cohort not understanding the services provided and institutions paid by ancillary fees,” Danny Chang, president of the Ontario Undergraduate Student Alliance, told The Ontarion. “If you’re given a checklist to reduce the cost of what your fees look like, I think it’s very easy for an individual who might not understand the thing they are opting out of to simply opt out.” Chang also said there is concern that students who opt-out will be unable to access student services in the event that student groups limit access depending on the funding they receive. The issue lies in the free rider problem where students will still have access to, and be able to benefit from, services even if they have opted out of paying for those services. Similarly, there is also the issue that some services funded by undergraduate students are used by graduate students at U of G as well as community members, for whom there is no opt-in option in place to help fund the services they use or want to support. CONSERVATIVES CONFIDENT CAMPUS INSTITUTIONS WILL SURVIVE, CRITICS WORRIED JOBS WILL BE LOST, INSTITUTIONS WEAKENED

The main issue for both Moloney and Piccini is student organizations that engage in political movements they say have no pertinence to campus life. Piccini said students asked why their “dues [are] going to pet peeve projects” of Special Interest Groups. Piccini also said the Ford government heard at length about groups, like Boycott, Divestment Sanctions (BDS), that would “fill up buses to head into various

protests that had nothing to do with the student experience.” Now both conservatives believe that student organizations will have to innovate their structure, find different sources of revenue, and change their mandate to serve a wider campus demographic. In conversations between The Ontarion, Moloney, and Piccini, both stated that they felt confident that campus institutions, like campus radio and student newspapers, will survive the SCI through these types of innovation. “Fundamentally it’s going to force these groups to innovate in how they’re delivering these services and their content,” Moloney said. WHY INNOVATION MAY NOT BE ENOUGH

Campus organizations are already bracing for cuts to funding, a survey conducted by OneClass reported that 57 per cent of students will opt out of their student papers. CFRU said their staff may have to cut staff. The Ontarion, for example, is planning to make structural changes including moving a number of part-time positions, which anyone can apply to, to work study positions, which only certain undergraduate students can apply to. Despite the confidence of people like Moloney and Piccini, those who are on the ground floor of organizations facing the SCI understand that innovation takes time to implement and even longer when resources are already limited, as they are for many campus organizations. Adaptability cannot take place overnight when there are operating budgets in place, contracts for current workers to pay out, and a lack of a clear timeline on when changes will be made as well as very little information on who will be impacted and to what extent. Even once organizations adapt, it is unclear how they can plan to operate through a year when it is unclear from one term to the next how many students will opt to pay the student levies organizations rely on to survive.

Be a Pilot! Unique. Adventure. Excitement.

NOW HIRING

We are looking to hire over 130 full-time Students for this summer! General Production – Student – Guelph, ON (Requisition #GUE00544)

DETAILS:

SCAN HERE FOR MORE INFO:

• Day and afternoon shifts available • Summer positions are from May.1 to Sept.1, 2019 • $16.60 per hour plus $0.25 shift premium if applicable • $500 and up Student Incentive Plan

Integrated Airline Transportation Pilot Program Who is it for? • Graduates from ANY university or college program • International students seeking a fast, but comprehensive route to airline flying

• 2 Meat Processing/Packaging facilities in Guelph, ON

TO APPLY:

LOCATION:

Direct Link: bit.ly/2HbW6Bz

Beef Processing Facility: 165 Dunlop Drive, Guelph, ON N1L 1P4

Recruitment Tel.: 519-823-7515

EARN MONEY FOR NEXT SEMESTER!

Full-time 18-month program, includes the following: • 750 classroom ground school hours • 205 aircraft flying hours • 50+ simulator training hours (fixed base)

Program begins January 13, 2020

Need reliable storage? We offer:

Visit wwfc.ca/integrated-atp for more information or to apply today! Waterloo Wellington Flight Centre 3-4881 Fountain Street North Breslau, ON N0B 1M0 T: 519-648-2213 E: info@wwfc.ca

wwfc.ca

WWFC’s program is approved by Transport Canada and approved as vocational programs under the Private Career Colleges Act, 2005 (#105919).

• Minutes from campus • Best rates in town • 24 hours access • Drive up units • Short and long term • Heated units available • Secure and convenient • Mobile Storage (pick up available) • Indoor climate controlled available

Student Special! Prepay 12 weeks and get 4 weeks free 5x5 or 5x10 units only. Must bring a non-perishable food item for the Guelph Food Bank. See online for details.

www.hanlonparkministorage.com Now with 2 locations to serve you better!

56 Kirkby Court & 375 Southgate Dr., Guelph Phone: 519-780-0835

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| S P O RT S & H E A LTH

A S K A PAR ALE G AL

The consequences of receiving a noise complaint DEALING WITH YOUR NEIGHBOURS’ ST. PADDY’S PARTY C A I L E N S WA I N

WITH ST. PATRICK’S DAY and better weather (we hope is) arriving, it’s likely that you or someone you know is going to have a party or two before the end of term. Make sure that your party doesn’t end due to a noise complaint at best and legal repercussions at worst. Here is some helpful information on the legalities surrounding noise complaints in Guelph. Noise compla int s a re t he domain of municipalities, so the bylaws in place when you’re living in Guelph for school may vary from those back home. In Guelph this is bylaw number 2000-16366. This sets out the restrictions on what types of noises are prohibited, when they are prohibited, and the possible exceptions. The penalty for violations under this bylaw is a fine of up to $5,000, according to the Provincial Offences Act, R.S.O. 1990, c. P.33, s. 61. The City of Guelph also has a separate bylaw regarding Nuisance Parties, which is known as bylaw

2013-19557. This bylaw defines a Nuisance Party as “a gathering on Premises which, by reason of the conduct of the persons in attendance, results in any one or more of the following activities occurring,” and goes on to list the various scenarios, such as: • public drunkenness • damage to property • unreasonable noise • public urination If you are charged under the Nuisance Parties Bylaw the possible fine is more severe, up to $10,000, and any subsequent conviction could yield a fine of up to $25,000. In and of itself there are no legal ramifications for receiving a noise complaint, you just might find yourself with unhappy neighbours. If the conduct giving rise to the noise complaint is especially egregious then you certainly could find yourself on the receiving end of a fine. Chances are, if you receive a noise complaint and are contrite and reduce the noise then

no further action will be taken. However, if the noise is persistent then legal action can be initiated under the tort of nuisance. One loud party is not enough to justify legal action for nuisance, but if there is ongoing noise and it results in harm then you could be held liable for damages. There is a 2009 B.C. Supreme Court case (Suzuki v. Monroe, 2009 BCSC 1403) where the Suzukis successfully sued Monroe for damages totaling $6,000 and injunctive relief relating to the noise from an air conditioning unit Monroe had installed (they were next door neighbours). On the other hand, if you need to make a noise complaint you can call the Guelph Police Service non-emergency number 519-824-1212.

Do you have a question for Cailen? Email him at info@swainparalegal.com and remember to put The Ontarion in the subject line. Cailen Swain is a licensed paralegal with a BA from Western University, a Paralegal diploma with distinction from triOS College, and a P1 license from the Law Society of Ontario.

One loud party is not enough to justify legal action for nuisance, but can make for very annoyed neighbours so be considerate. | Photo obtained via Unsplash

Post Referendum EST. 1951

The Ontarion thanks everyone who voted in last week’s Central Student Association elections and referendum questions. Whether you voted for, against, or abstained, we appreciate that you made your voices heard and contributed to democracy on campus during this stressful time. Among the voting choices given to the undergraduate students at the University of Guelph was The Ontarion’s referendum question, which asked students to approve a one-time fee increase of $4 per year in order to fund a series of new initiatives. While we are thrilled that students voted in favour of the question in the referendum, we don’t see this as the end of your chance to make your voice heard. Whether or not you voted, we want to hear what you would like to see most from your campus newspaper. What do you think is working? What do you think we can improve? If you voted no, let us know what led you to that decision and what you need to see from us that might change your mind in the future. Contact us at feedback@theontarion.com with the subject line “Referendum” to make your voice heard!

BECOME CAREER-READY IN LESS THAN A YEAR Specialized Graduate Certificates in: • Administrative Business Management • Business Development and Sales • Career Development Professional • Community and Social Service Management • Entrepreneurship Management • Financial Planning Services • Global Business Management • Human Resources Management (Optional Co-op) • Occupational Health, Safety and Wellness • Project Management • Public Relations – Integrated Communications • Social Media Marketing • Supply Chain Management - Global • Sustainable Business Management (Optional Co-op)

APPLY NOW ontariocolleges.ca @thinkconestoga

OPINION

THE ONTARION

@theontarion

United States unleashes dogs of war in Venezuela BIASED MEDIA COVERAGE ON VENEZUELA IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE E D UA R D O Q U E I R U G A

I HAVE BEEN following media coverage of the situation in Venezuela and would like to offer my opinion on the subject. Independently of how one feels about the ruling government in Venezuela now, I think the media coverage has to be fair to the government as well as to their opposition. From what I have seen so far, there is an overwhelming amount of coverage on the opposition marches, but next to no coverage of the large marches in support of Nicolas Maduro, disputed president of Venezuela. Our media also reports on how terribly the government has run the economy and how much people are suffering, but this again is biased. Let us make some comparisons between the United States, Canada, and Venezuela.

According to an article in The Atlantic, for the first time since the early 1960s, “the death rate of people between the ages of 25 and 34 increased by 10 per cent between 2015 and 2016,” mainly due to an opioid epidemic among young white men. Here in Canada we have many of our Indigenous populations living in third world conditions, many of which lack drinkable water. Given these circumstances and using the same criteria we use for Venezuela, should our regimes be changed based on our economic ineptitude leading to the suffering of our citizens? Should we declare humanitarian crises in the United States and Canada? I think we would open up Pandora’s box if we use economic hardship as a criterion for changing a government.

As to Maduro not accepting humanitarian aid, that is another blatant lie. Venezuela is accepting humanitarian aid from other countries, one of them being Russia. Maduro is not accepting aid from the U.S. since it is politicized, the International Red Cross has also refused to deliver aid since it is illegal as per international United Nations aid legislation, as reported by Venezuelanalysis. The reason Venezuela is not accepting U.S. aid is because the person in charge of the aid operation is Elliot Abrams, the man who was convicted for lying to Congress over covert arms sales money to Iran funneled to the Contras in Nicaragua in the 1980s under the guise of humanitarian aid, according to the New York Times. Now, I don’t know about you, but I am a little skeptical of any aid coming from the U.S., particularly that which is led by Abrams who was also once convicted for trying to overthrow the government of Nicaragua using aid as an excuse!

Our mass media talks about how corrupted the last elections in Venezuela were and accepts this at face value in spite of the election having international monitors (most recently, former U.S. president Jimmy Carter) as did the 23 previous elections in Venezuela, according to Global Research. If electoral corruption is used as a criterion for regime change, shouldn’t we take a look at changing the regime in the United States of America? I am speaking of gerrymandering practices, voter suppression of minority and poor voters, and simply stealing the election as was done with George Bush’s election. Let us remember that Donald Trump also received three million less votes than his opponent Hillary Clinton and still won the presidency. The Canadian government argues that Maduro is a dictator who has to go. Yet Canada does business with another dictatorship in Saudi Arabia, which recently dismembered reporter

Jamal Khashoggi and routinely decapitates and crucifies, yes, crucifies people, and has no elections to boot! Even as I am writing this, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s government is involved in a scandal that may have serious consequences of interference with the rule of law his own government seems to criticize Maduro for violating. Our media coverage has to be more balanced when it comes to covering the ongoing Venezuelan situation.

TESL GRADUATE CERTIFICATE PREPARE FOR A CAREER… TEACHING ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE

Nicolas Maduro is the disputed president of Venezuela. | Photo obtained via Wikimedia Commons

This graduate certificate program prepares you to teach English language learners in: • community programs across Canada • a variety of workplace settings • college and university programs here and abroad • a variety of settings overseas

340-hour program includes applied in-class and practicum experience Recognized by TESL Canada (Standard II) and by TESL Ontario.

Apply now for September! www.conestogac.on.ca

Venezuela is located in the northern most part of South America. | Photo obtained via Wikimedia Commons

EDITORIAL

THE ONTARION

@theontarion

Why do people say “we won” when their team wins a game? FEELING LIKE YOU’RE PART OF THE TEAM | RACHEL WEITZ IF YOU KNOW ME, or if you’ve had at least one conversation with me, you know I love hockey, and that I would probably die for the Leafs. Seriously, they are so inconsistent that I worry I may have a heart attack just watching them play. There is nothing I love more than hockey (sorry, Mom and Dad). I have played hockey for nearly half my life, but it wasn’t until high school that I began watching it regularly. I would come home from school and immediately watch hockey highlights before the Leafs game started that night or whatever other NHL game I could find on TV. At the end of games, my parents would ask the result, and without hesitation I would

answer “we won” or “we lost.” Lately, I’ve been wondering why people use the word “we” when talking about their favourite teams? Why do I? The answer goes beyond words. It’s a feeling you could only know if you’ve fallen in love with a professional sports team. Their successes lift your mood, their defeats crush your spirit. From heart-wrenching game seven playoff losses (if you’re a Leafs fan you know all too well) to stomach-turning rivalry nights to screaming at the top of your lungs when a pivotal play comes to life — it feels like I’m part of the team. Dedication to a professional sports team is like nothing else. It is never a fully satisfying

relationship, but it does come with unrealistic hopes and dreams. Your team has a huge lead over the opposition? Make it bigger. Your team won a championship? You want more. There is simply no end to the desires we have for our favourite sports teams. When the Leafs ended the 2015-2016 season dead last in the league and landed Auston Matthews first overall in the draft, I almost fainted. When Matthews scored four goals in his first game and went on to score 40 goals that season, I cried. When our fearless coach Mike Babcock led a young team with 10 rookies to the playoffs in the first season of a franchise

rebuild…well, there are no words for how I felt in that moment. No matter what sport you’re passionate about, all fans can relate to the feeling of being part of the team. The rollercoaster of emotions that fluctuate during a long, always dramatic season (unless you like the Golden State Warriors, Tampa Bay Lightning, or New England Patriots) drain us sports fans, but it’s all worth it. The joy that arises from being a sports fan is incomparable. The way that sports teams invade our minds and consume our thoughts make us truly feel like we are part of the team. We deck ourselves out in merchandise, paint our faces (maybe we wear paper bags if

our team sucks that season), and holler for our teams… even if we’re watching from home. The way I used to feel after my own hockey team won and lost games is more intense than how I feel about the Leafs’ wins and losses. I often cried after losing and danced with joy after winning games I played in. Playing with your own team is a whirlwind of emotions. In saying that, the Leafs have yet to win a Stanley Cup in my lifetime. I am sure that when “we” do, not even a playoff series win from my past hockey career will come close.

CREDIT: WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

CREDIT: ALORA GRIFTIHS

The Ontarion Inc.

CREDIT: WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

EDITORIAL STAFF

PRODUCTION STAFF

BOARD OF DIREC TORS

Editor-in-Chief

Multimedia Content

President

University Centre

Creator & Editor

Room 264

News Editor

Chair of the Board

University of Guelph

Director of Layout & Design

N1G 2W1

Arts & Culture Editor

ontarion@uoguelph.ca

Mirali Almaula Matteo Cimellaro

Alora Griffiths Tiffany Agliani

Josh Millen

VP Communications

Karen K. Tran

Heather Gilmore

Open Position

VP Finance

Sports & Health Editor

BUS INESS STAFF

Phone

Office Manager

519-824-4120

Copy Editor

Staff Representative

General: x 58265

Business Coordinator

Editorial: x 58250

Social Media &

Advertising: x 58267

Outreach Coordinator

Ad & Marketing Coordinator

DIREC TORS

Accounts: x 53534

Miriam Habib

Rachel Weitz Taylor Pace

Anna Naim

Aaron Jacklin

Mehkansh Sharma Alora Griffiths

Lorrie Taylor Patrick Sutherland

Web Designer & Editor

Circulation Director

Jonathan Marun-Batista

Alex Lefebvre

Michael Stone

Salvador Moran

CONTRIBUTORS Liam Baker Aidan Brushett Carleigh Cathcart Mars Chester Chow Tasha Falconer Mitchell Gracie Ella Harvey Miguel Mabalay Emily Matin Adam Maue Spencer McGregor Eduardo Queiruga Barbara Salsberg Mathews Sierra Mullane Eliana Sinicropi Jenna Smith Cailen Swain Arsalan Syed Laura Vautour Ryan Williams

The Ontarion is a non-profit organization governed by a Board of Directors. Since The Ontarion undertakes the publishing of student work, the opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of The Ontarion staff and Board of Directors. The Ontarion reserves the right to edit or refuse all material deemed sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unfit for publication as determined by the Editor-in-Chief. Material of any form appearing in this newspaper is copyrighted 2017 and cannot be reprinted without the approval of the Editor-in-Chief. The Ontarion retains the right of first publication on all material. In the event that an advertiser is not satisfied with an advertisement in the newspaper, they must notify The Ontarion within four working days of publication. The Ontarion will not be held responsible for advertising mistakes beyond the cost of advertisement. The Ontarion is printed by Hamilton Web.

 WWW.THEONTARION.COM

S P O RT S & H E A LTH

M A RCH 14, 2019

TH E O NTA R I O N S TU D E NT ATH LE TE PRO F I LE S

RBC Dominion Securities Inc.

Gain confidence and clarity in your financial life If you’re looking to simplify your financial affairs, consider Canada’s leading provider of all-encompassing wealth management solutions. Desmond McCullough, Ph.D., CIM Investment Advisor & Associate Portfolio Manager 519-822-1362 desmond.mccullough@rbc.com

Maysa Mimi Ramadan, CIM, PFP Investment & Wealth Advisor 519-822-1910 mimi.ramadan@rbc.com

RBC Dominion Securities Inc.* and Royal Bank of Canada are separate corporate entities which are affiliated. *Member-Canadian Investor Protection Fund. RBC Dominion Securities Inc. is a member company of RBC Wealth Management, a business segment of Royal Bank of Canada. ® / ™ Trademark(s) of Royal Bank of Canada. Used under licence. ©2018 RBC Dominion Securities Inc. All rights reserved. 18_90551_GWW_002

so close to campus you can taste it! 50 stone rd west delta Guelph hotel

Gideon Dresser GET TO KNOW YOUR GRYPHS! R AC H E L W E I T Z

Athlete: Gideon Dresser Sport: Men’s Volleyball Position & Number: Setter #4 Year at U of G: First Year Program of Study: Mathematical Science Rachel Weitz: How and when did you begin playing volleyball? Gideon Dresser: I started playing volleyball when I was in Grade 6 after I tried out for my school team. Originally I was a left side (also known as outside hitter), but switched to setter after two weeks. I’ve been a setter since then. RW: What is the most important thing you have learned through playing a sport? GD: I’ve learned that if you want to achieve your goals, you have to go out there and get them, because they won’t happen by

themselves. You have to be willing to take the time and as our team says, just ‘beat on your craft.’ This applies to sports, school, and life in general really. RW: What is your most memorable moment in your time as a Gryphon? GD : My mo s t memor able moment as a Gryphon was our recent quarter final playoff game against Queen’s. We went down 2-0 after getting embarrassed in the first two sets, but we rallied together and won the next two, coming up short by the smallest of margins in the fifth set, losing 23-21 in extra points. It was the craziest volleyball I’ve played in the eight years that I’ve been a part of the sport.

PHOTO COURTESY OF GIDEON DRESSER

TALK N E R DY TO M E

Eat.

Sexual dysfunction, Part II

Drink.

REASONS FOR SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

Repeat.

TA S H A FA LC O N E R

@barmasonrestaurant |

barmasonrestaurant | barmasonrestaurant.ca

LGBTQ2S+ Campus Climate at Ontario Universities

of the Are you part mmunity? o c + S 2 Q T B LG iversity Are you a un ntario? student in O If yes, we need to hear from you! Please participate in a survey on LGBTQ2S+ students’ experiences, well-being, and academic development To learn more or to take the survey go to tinyurl.com/ThirvingOnCampus The survey is open February 1 – April 30

OVER 100 PRIZES TO BE WON!

THE COLUMN IN the previous issue discussed the different types of sexual dysfunction. This column will go over some origins of and treatments for sexual dysfunction disorders. Sexual dysfunction can be biological, psychological, or a mix of both. For example, there may be a biological factor driving the sexual dysfunction, but psychological factors, such as anger regarding the sexual dysfunction may prolong or worsen the problem. Biological factors include conflicts arising from medications, health problems, hormonal deficiencies, a lack of exercise, and aging. Some medications, particularly those prescribed for mental health issues, can decrease libido and sexual functioning. Health problems such as cardiovascular disorders, hypertension, thyroid overactivity or underactivity, and temporal lobe epilepsy are known to cause sexual dysfunction. Hormone deficiencies, particularly a lack of testosterone, can negatively impact sexual desire. Aging plays a notable role in hormone deficiencies for males. As males age there is a gradual decline in testosterone, which explains the decline in the sexual desires of older

men. Women’s sexual functioning is also impacted by age. Around menopause, women start to produce less vaginal lubrication and the vaginal walls become thinner, which can make intercourse painful. There are many psychological factors that can impact sexual dysfunction, including but not limited to interpersonal relations and one’s sexual history. If there are non-sexual problems in the relationship, they can transfer into the bedroom, which can influence sexual functioning. A lack of communication surrounding these problems can make the problems (both in the bedroom and out) worse. It is very important to talk to your partner about what you want out of sex and how it feels. Anxiety about sex can also impact sexual functioning. There are many reasons someone may be anxious about sex. There may be a fear of pleasure, injury, or concerns regarding a loss of control. Additionally, concerns around being able to pleasure your partner and be “good” at sex can create performance anxiety. How people feel about sex and their understanding of how sexual response and pleasure

functions can impact one’s own sexual function. Those who were raised in cultures or homes that were sexually repressive may associate shame and anxiety with sex, which can make pleasurable encounters difficult. There are many myths about sexual response and pleasure, as these subjects are often not taught, which can make if difficult for people to understand what works for them and their partner. While there are many influences on sexual functioning, there are also a variety of treatments. If the problem is biological, a biological treatment may help, but often a combination of biological and therapeutic treatments are most effective. For psychological problems a therapeutic approach is most helpful to address underlying problems. Biological treatment can include medication such as Viagra, hormone replacements, or artificial lubricant. Which therapeutic treatments are going to work depend on what factors are influencing the development of the sexual dysfunction disorder. Therapy can help to deal with the underlying problems, such as relationship issues, attitudes, and anxiety. Sex therapy can also help to address the myths that exist and can give partners exercises to slowly build up to creating a pleasurable experience for both people. These treatments are often done with a couple, but can also be given to individuals.

SPORTS & HEALTH

THE ONTARION

2 0 | GI D EON D R ES S E R

1 9 | TEAM SPIRIT

@ Ontarion Web

Myths about the science of aging MISSED OPPORTUNITIES FOR EXTENDING YOUTH STORY BY ARSAL AN SYE D & PHOTO E D ITE D BY ALOR A G RIFFITHS

IT CAUSES CANCER, heart disease, dementia, and arthritis, but most undergraduate biology majors at U of G will never learn much about the process of aging. Worse yet, many will enter the workforce as pharmacists, physicians, and researchers with major misunderstandings concerning what aging is, what causes it, and how to potentially slow it down. Based on outdated information taught in grade school, it is common for biology students to believe that aging is inevitable. Many people believe that the maximum length of the lifespan is predetermined by our DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) — more specifically, by a component of our

DNA called telomeres. Telomeres are protective components of DNA that are often likened to the aglets found on the ends of shoelaces. Aglets protect the ends of our shoelaces from dirt and water that may otherwise cause them to fray. The American Physiological Association indicates that, similar to aglets, telomeres cap and protect both ends of our DNA from damage. The source of this damage is a long story in itself, but to keep this discussion short the following will have to suffice: the DNA within a cell is placed in danger each time that cell begins to divide. This process occurs regularly because old and worn out cells need to be replaced by fresh

new cells. According to a 2013 report by IP Tzanetakou and colleagues, if it weren’t for telomeres, your DNA would be truncated on both ends each time your cells divided. Fortunately, telomeres take the hits instead. Unfortunately, our telomeres can only take so much abuse before they are degraded to nothing. Without telomeres, our DNA is shredded each time our cells divide, and with each subsequent division, more of our DNA becomes unintelligible to our cells. With our biological blueprints and instructions in disarray, our cells begin to dysfunction. JW Shay warns in his 2016 Cancer Discovery article that, eventually, our DNA will become so disordered that our cells won’t (or won’t know how) to divide anymore. These cells then accumulate damage, and die without a successor. With enough cell deaths in vital areas, the whole organism will perish. Therefore, a widely

held belief amongst biology students is that the length of one’s life is determined by how long an individual’s telomeres can resist complete degradation. While we’ve known that this conclusion is wrong for at least a decade now, this relationship between aging and telomeres has stayed afloat since it first generated widespread excitement in 1997, when Matthew Meyerson and colleagues published a breakthrough article in Cell Press. At the time, telomeres provided an explanation to the question of why cancer cells are biologically immortal. It turned out that cancer cells have a mechanism for regenerating their telomeres. Last year, an article published in Royal Society Open Science revealed that telomeres play no role in how long an average person will live. You could live to be 140, and your telomeres would still be in good shape. Note that the oldest lived

person, as of 2019, was Jeanne Calment who died at the age of 122. Furthermore, that same article notes that some animals could never use up their telomeres, even if they lived through the span of tens of human lives. Despite this current research, we have a whole generation of biology students graduating this year who think telomeres are responsible for aging. With that framework in mind, you must conclude that nothing can be done to prolong youth and delay age-related diseases such as cancer, autoimmune disorders, and dementia. The reality is that there are hot leads in the field of aging — paths that scientists believe could possibly even lead to humans prolonging their youth by hundreds of years. What’s lacking right now is a generation of passionate youth to unravel these leads.

Alternatives to the fitness centre at the GGAC TIRED OF LIFTING WEIGHTS AND RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL? LOOK NO FURTHER! R AC H E L W E I T Z

IT’S OBVIOUS THAT many U of G students love hitting the gym. It’s a 5,500 square-foot state-ofthe-art facility open from dusk to dawn, with three workout areas designed for different purposes. What’s not to love? Probably the fact that so many people love it. The fitness centre at the Guelph G r y phons A t hle t ic s C ent r e (GGAC) is always packed. If you’re not there right at sunrise or well after sunset, you’re most likely going to have to wait for machines and weights, or settle for your second, maybe even your third choice. If you have a busy class schedule, as many students do, you’re likely going to find yourself playing this waiting game instead of making gains.

If you’re looking to get an intense workout in without having to wait around, or simply feel intimidated by the mass of people at the gym, here are some great alternatives to the fitness centre that allow you to get what you need:

DROP-IN RECREATIONAL SPORTS

Whether you’re a sharpshooter on the court or on the ice, there are plenty of opportunities to play some pickup games on campus, you don’t even need to bring a ball or a puck!

SWIMMING

NRG GROUP FITNESS CLASSES

Either you didn’t know we had a pool, didn’t think you could use it if you’re not a varsity swimmer, or just never thought about swimming. The GGAC aquatics centre has two pools, one for leisure (Red Pool) and one for lane swimming (Gold Pool), as well as a jacuzzi hot tub. Swimming is one of the most aerobic forms of exercise because the water adds resistance to a cardio and muscle workout. It is open every day, several times throughout the day. Jump in!

There are hundreds of classes each week in the GGAC, with everything from hip-hop yoga, to boxing, to a combined spin and core circuit. They vary in intensity, group size, and occur at all times throughout the day. You’re guaranteed to find something suited to your preference!

INTRAMURALS

If you’re an athlete looking to play a friendly match of C-level soccer, or a competitive A-level volleyball game, sign up for intramurals. You can make your own team or register as a free agent for a wide variety of sports at different skill levels. If you missed your chance this year, hopefully intramural registration for Fall 2019 is enough to get you excited for next school year!

A RT S & CU LTU R E

M A RCH 14, 2019

TH E O NTA R I O N

Vince Staples and JPEGMAFIA play a wicked rap show A NIGHT OF RAP AND REMEMBRANCE IN TORONTO | S TO RY & P H OTO BY M I G U E L M A B A L AY DURING A STOP on the second half of the Smile, You’re on Camera Tour, North Long Beach rapper Vince Staples performed to an electric crowd at Rebel in Toronto on March 5. Opening act, Baltimore-based rapper and producer JPEGMAFIA (also known as Peggy) played an insane set, in the best way possible. Peggy’s style included lots of noisy production and dissonance, combining the experimental electronic prowess, similar to the harshness of artists like Throbbing Gristle and Aphex Twin, with the simplicity and catchiness of modern trap music. I wasn’t sure if it would translate well to a live setting, but as soon as he hit the stage my doubts were quelled

as the audience was immediately hanging on his every word. The hype throughout this set was unreal and it was a nice surprise to see how much of the crowd were fans of Peggy’s music just as much as they were for Staples’. Peggy opened with the track “Vengeance,” a Denzel Curry song which he is featured on. This instantly sparked some of the wildest mosh pits I’ve ever seen, which continued throughout the entire set. He was incredibly animated, and much to the audience’s delight spent just as much time on the floor as the stage, running around, dancing, and moshing with fans, all while yelling in our faces. And man! — can that guy yell. Even on songs like

“1539 N. Calvert,” Peggy’s delivery was much louder and more aggressive than the studio version and I think the crowd enormously benefited from that. There’s nothing as visceral as watching an artist belt out their song, believing in the power of their words. This delivery, combined with the enthusiastic stage presence, made for a very infectious set. The more an artist is into their work, the more receptive the audience will be and the more fun they’ll have and Peggy’s live set was a whole lot of fun — or maybe I just like it when rappers yell and scream. Staples opened his set with his song “Feels Like Summer” from his latest album FM! and contrary

to JPEGMAFIA’s performance, his vocals sounded exactly the same live as they do on his songs. Staples is a master of his craft and it showed. Right when he stepped on stage you could tell that he was full of confidence and that he’s been doing this for a long time. He never missed a bar as he rapped all his verses effortlessly, no matter how fast they were. The tough, bittersweet, and nihilistic tone of Staples’ lyrics that he’s known for sounded incredible live, with his enormous personality shining through every measure. He undoubtedly deserves his place amongst the biggest names in hip hop today and after this performance I have absolutely no doubt about his

dominance in the industry. The show, however, didn’t end after Staples’ set. After he finished performing he thanked the crowd and paid respects to his late friend and fellow artist Mac Miller. The lights stayed low and the full video recording of Mac’s 2018 NPR Tiny Desk concert played. Most of the crowd stayed around to enjoy the moment and watch intimate performances of songs from Miller’s last album Swimming. The fact that Vince Staples chose to end his show like this just showed how genuine of a guy he is and how much he cares about his friends and his fans.

5 Lesbians Eating A Quiche thrives at The Making-Box CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING IN THE DOWNTOWN THEATRE PROJECT’S SOLD-OUT SHOW S TO RY & P H OTO BY RYA N W I L L I A M S

PREPARE TO HAVE your understanding of the word “quiche” forever transformed by The Downtown Theatre Project’s rendition of 5 Lesbians Eating A Quiche. The few moments where this play isn’t soaked with subtext, or the audience isn’t navigating numerous nuances, its overt humour — and at times — shocking charades, will leave the audience laughing out loud when not smiling slyly. Following the lives of five seemingly ordinary women in the 1950s at the Annual Quiche Breakfast of the Susan B. Anthony Society for the Sisters of Gertrude Stein, these “widows” (a euphemism for lesbian in this situation) all share a passionate, and perhaps even fanatical, love of quiche. What makes quiche an object of celebration for these ladies, is that it is the result of two or more eggs coming together in an act of beauty, and so the egg is celebrated by the gathering as the true backbone of society. Needless to say, the mention of meat of any kind is forbidden; especially taboo is the suggestion that it intermingles

with an egg inside these recipes — and only those seeking expulsion from the gathering would dare utter the word “sausage.” The audacity of the play does not end there, nor was it even limited within the stage. In their zealous championing of the virtues of quiche, these widows were wont to walk amongst the audience to talk to — and at times, berate — certain “extra” members of the gathering. Each audience member was given a pre-written name tag before the start of the show. One particular audience member who was known as Marjory, was consistently ridiculed by the cast for not bringing a quiche. In fact, this reporter (given the name tag Virginia during the show) had received a very public comment from Miss Wren Robin (played by Denise Gismondi), a senior officer of the society, regarding his facial hair, perhaps outing him as an imposter widow. Did the editors of The Ontarion send this reporter on a doomed assignment, only to laugh from their ivory tower? Only time, and

From left to right, the cast of 5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche are Evelyn Barber, Tanya Jarmai, Denise Gismondi, and Olivia Mann.

this reporter’s next assignment, will reveal the truth. T he sho w ’s d i r e c t or, Jen Barson, credits the success of 5 Lesbians Eating A Quiche to its underlying morals. “Despite the fact that the situation seems absurd, these characters are very serious about their societal norms,” Barson said. “As we can see, they’re constantly adhering to the standards of their

own gathering; they are also conforming to the standards of society at large. Eventually, we see these women peel away these norms, and enter a safe space where they can reveal their truth to themselves, and to each other.” The revelation that these ladies were not widows, but were in fact lesbians, was a key note of the play, and one of the most exciting in the performance. Facades

faded away and truth tore through in an uncontrollable eruption, as the audience was finally released from the mountain of tense, rigid subtext which had been building up all along. The final moments of the play ended with catharsis, a bawdy laugh, and finally, relief. 5 Le s b i a n s Ea t i n g A Q u i c h e played six sold-out shows at The Making-Box from March 6 to 10.

ARTS & CULTURE

THE ONTARION

2 2 | VI NC E STA PLES CONCE RT

22 | 5 L ESBIANS E ATING A QUICHE

@theontarion

Orbax talks new CFRU show, breaking Guinness World Records, and science entertainment U OF G PROF’S RADIO SHOW HOPES TO CONNECT YOUTH THROUGH SCIENCE E M I LY M AT I N

WHEN HE’S NOT teaching physics, Prof. Jason Thomas is entertaining audiences as the sideshow artist, Burnaby Q. Orbax. The world record-breaking U of G professor’s latest endeavour is bringing his live science show, Orbax and Pepper do Science, to the airwaves on CFRU. Emily Matin: Can you give us a brief background about your role at the University of Guelph and your passion for science? Orbax: I am the Science Communication and Media Officer for the Department of Physics. I did my undergrad and my masters here and I did two years of my PhD before I dropped out to be a full-time entertainer. About 10 years ago, I came back to doing sessional teaching here. In this last year, I got a part-time job doing science communication and outreach. I always loved science growing up — that constant question of why and how do things work — and I was always taking things apart. For me physics was the hardest course that I was taking at university, and I felt since I was paying to go to school that I would do the hardest thing that I couldn’t do on my own. In doing so, I discovered my passion for mathematics and that fundamental push for understanding why. Why does a ball roll down a hill? Why can you see all these colours? EM: You’ve broken some Guinness World Records. Can you tell us about that? O: So [my lab partner] Sweet Pepper Klopek and I have 25 Guinness World Records we’ve broken now. They range from terrible stunts to less terrible stunts. The last one that I did was I had the most number of motorcycles driven over a guy on a bed of nails in two minutes. That was 70. Pepper and I did this book, Guinness World Records: Science & Stuff where we got to do all these fun experiments that kids can do at home and in the process we attempted to break world records. The book includes weird science facts like interviews with a

dinosaur poop collector. It’s a neat book because it goes over science that is a bit off the beaten track. Doing the book with Guinness World Records opened the door for us to interact with more young people. EM: You’re starting a show on the campus radio station, CFRU. Can you tell us a bit more about it? O: Well I finished all my training and I’m just putting together the concepts of the show with the hope that it will be approved and get to go on. CFRU is a great resource to reach the community because it’s a real mix of people in the university and people in the community, which is [why it’s] unfortunate that there are so many risks to it being shut down now. My hope is that I’ll get to do the show as a way of trying to reach young people. CFRU lets you stream, download, and podcast — so you can kind of reach anyone anywhere. The idea behind the show is that I thought it would be neat to do a panel show where you get a couple profs and a couple students — undergrad or graduate — people who are in a certain field and put them together and tackle science issues that are in the news these days. I think there is a huge issue that takes place on campus where students, at the risk of feeling foolish, don’t necessarily come forward and ask questions and broach topics with their professors. And maybe this is a way to bring everyone to the same table and get insights from different people. [The topics featured on the radio show] could be modern stuff in the news like what’s going on with landing on the dark side of the moon and where do the ethics levels go with genetic modification, or the gravitational waves discovered last year — what does that stuff actually mean? EM: As you are aware, Doug Ford’s Student Choice Initiative will likely affect CFRU. Do you have any opinions on this issue you’d like to share?

Orbax has been a professor of physics and a world record-breaking sideshow entertainer for more than a decade. | Photo by Karen K. Tran

O: I understand that not everyone listens to the radio station and for some people it might seem like an archaic means of communicating, especially with YouTube and podcasts. One of the important things to remember is that while the transmission of that information uses an old medium, it appeals to so many people who are currently listening to it. People are listening to CFRU all over the world. It gives a voice to people. It would be a shame that we would lose such an incredible resource. People get representation there that they might not be able to find anywhere else. EM: Do you have advice for students interested in approaching science with the type of creativity and entrepreneurship that you do? O: Just keep doing it. The one thing I’ve learned about entertainment in my 20 years of being involved is that nobody can ever fire you from show business. People who are creative and people who create can always create. You know you might not get 100,000 views on YouTube, but if you reach a hundred people who are very excited and want to see what you’re doing, you’ve still reached a hundred people. So you shouldn’t give yourself markers of success that are based on other people. You should give yourself markers of success that are based on: Are you working on

it? Are you getting better? Are you having fun and enjoying it? What I always tell people is to do it, put it out there, and also be open to criticism and take it to heart. EM: Anything else you’d like to add? O: I think it would be a shame if we lost CFRU. I know they have petitions available at the office to sign. But it would be a great thing to be able to move forward and do that show with two random students and open up that world of science and see what people think.

The one thing I’ve learned about entertainment in my 20 years of being involved is that nobody can ever fire you from show business.

TOP TEN ALBUMS

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10

OUR NATIVE DAUGHTERS Songs of our Native Daughters (Smithsonian Folkways)

NICOLETTE & THE NOBODIES** Devil’s Run (Self-Released)

MAKAYA MCCRAVEN Universal Beings (International Anthem)

THE COSMIC RANGE* The Gratitude Principle (Idee Fixe)

ELISAPIE* The Ballad of the Runaway Girl (Bonsound)

HOMESHAKE* Helium (Royal Mountain)

FLYING HÓRSES* Reverie (Bonsound)

FOXWARREN* Foxwarren (Arts & Crafts)

THE SPECIALS Encore (Island)

SAID THE WHALE* Cascadia (Arts & Crafts) *Canadian Artist

**Local Artist

THE ONTARION IS

HIRING EDITOR-IN-CHIEF The Ontarion is looking to fill this full-time contract position for the 2019-2020 publishing year. The Ontarion is looking to fill this full-time contract position for the 2019-2020 publishing year. The Editor-in-Chief is responsible for everything concerning news operations and all editorial content The Ontarion publishes online and in print. They work within the long-term frameworks of strategic, marketing, and other plans developed by the Strategic Planning committee, the board, and other parts of The Ontarion, Inc. They will manage and evaluate editorial staff, schedule hours, coordinate volunteers, and facilitate regular meetings. They troubleshoot and facilitate conflict resolution. While the Editor-in-Chief will make journalistic or graphic contributions to the newspaper, this is primarily a management position.

THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE WILL POSSESS: • Supervisory or leadership skills • Excellent communication skills • Interpersonal conﬂict resolution skills; strong organizational skills • The ability to work in a stressful environment under tight deadlines • Work or volunteer experience in a journalistic environment • Training or experience in journalism, editing • Graphics, some design experience, an asset

DIRECTOR OF LAYOUT & DESIGN

MULTI-MEDIA CREATOR & EDITOR

Responsible for implementing the overall look of the paper by creating weekly page layouts using Adobe InDesign, as well as creating and formatting ads. This position requires excellent attention to detail, creativity,and the ability to manage time wisely. This position begins in August 2019 and ends in April 2020. This position is under review, but details about wages, hours per week, and the number of weeks in the contract will be available prior to any interviews. The successful candidate will possess proven skills using Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign.

Coordinates with and manages volunteer photographers, illustrators and multimedia content creators to obtain media elements for the paper. Provides guidance to volunteers regarding image composition and content, distributes supplies, generates and scans photos and images for use in the paper and website. This position is under review, but details about wages, hours per week, and the number of weeks in the contract will be available prior to any interviews. The contract begins in August 2019 and ends in April 2020. The successful candidate will possess proven skills using Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign. The successful candidate will possess proven skills using Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign.

For all positions: Only those applicants granted an interview will be contacted. The Ontarion offers a learning environment in student media and considers this in their hiring process. To obtain a copy of The Ontarion’s Employment Equity Policy and/ or the job description for these positions, please email us at ontarion@uoguelph.ca or visit our website @ www.theontarion.com/jobs. The Ontarion reserves the right to prioritize candidates who currently live in, or who commit to moving into Guelph or the immediate surrounding area, during the duration of their employment. The Ontarion’s Employment Equity Policy is a proactive measure to recruit qualified people from a variety of ethnic, religious, and class backgrounds, lesbians, bisexuals, gays and transgender people, people of colour, Aboriginal people, people with disabilities, and women. To be considered under The Ontarion’s Employment Equity Policy, members of the previously identified groups are encouraged to self-identify and explicitly refer to the policy in a separate letter to the chair of the hiring committee. Such letters must be submitted along with the cover letter and resume.

For all positions, please apply with a portfolio of at least six relevant samples, resume, and cover letter to: The Ontarion EIC Hiring Committee, UC 264, University of Guelph, Guelph, Ontario, N1G 2W1 Email: ontarion@uoguelph.ca Deadline for applications: Monday, April 1, 2019, 4 p.m.

I S SU E 186.5

TH E O NTA R I O N .CO M

| N E WS

Gryphons celebrate Turban Up ANNUAL SIKH EVENT TO END STEREOTYPES BRINGS COMMUNITY TOGETHER MEHAK MOHINDRU

ON MARCH 7, the Sikh Student Association (SSA) put on their annual Turban Up event at the University of Guelph to work on ending the stigma associated with wearing turbans and addressing stereotypes facing Sikhs in the Guelph community. The event raises awareness for t he Sik h commu nit y in Guelph and brings individuals of Sikh descent at the University together, whether they are international students or from a city without a large Sikh community. Turban Up is a massive event that occurs across most Ontario universities. There are also larger events that take place in downtown Toronto and New York, spreading awareness of the cultural and spiritual teachings and practices of Sikhism. An executive member of the SSA spoke with The Ontarion to

give some insight into the event. “The main purpose about Turban Up is to raise awareness about Sikhism,” said Shahzeb Singh Lotey, the community outreach executive member of SSA and third-year human kinetics major. Lotey also said that it is essential for the campus to gain insight into the importance of Sikhism and to learn how to treat someone who looks a little different than the rest of society. “A Sikh is supposed to stand out, someone walked in with a long beard wearing a turban, you would notice that no matter what, they would look different even in India,” he continued. “We find that a lot of people, when something is unfamiliar around them, are afraid to ask because people don’t want to come out as rude or racist. Obviously, no one is going to come and ask

Turban Up celebrates Sikh culture and tradition while inclusively educating the University community. | Photo by Micheal Cimesa

you, so what we do is put ourselves out there. We want people to ask questions.” SSA members realize that sometimes it is important to get out of their comfort zones to help others understand without ignorance or through stereotypes. They accomplish that by inviting students and faculty to ask questions. The initiative also helps new

Sikh students find other members of their culture and community to connect with daily. “A lot of people come to Guelph and expect a predominantly Caucasian population” and experience culture shock, Lotey said. The SSA comes together to make sure members of their community realize that they are not alone here on campus because it

is sometimes difficult to connect with similar people. The SSA aims to bridge that gap between Sikh people and their cultural and religious community, all while teaching Canadians and campus community members how to Turban Up.

O N TH E H I LL

SNC-Lavalin scandal continues CONFLICTING TESTIMONIES AND MORE RESIGNATIONS E L L A H A RV E Y

THE SNC-LAVALIN AFFAIR is the scandal that keeps on giving, and the increasingly dramatic and complicated developments over the past few weeks have generated a persistent swarm of media attention around the Parliamentary precinct. This article covers some of the main developments since Trudeau’s former principal secretary, Gerald (Gerry) Butts, resigned on Feb. 18 after allegations that he was part of an effort to interfere with the criminal prosecution of the Montreal-based construction giant SNC-Lavalin. The story picks up again when former Attorney General and Minister of Justice Jody Wilson-Raybould gave an explosive testimony at the Justice and Human Rights Committee (JUST) on Feb. 27, two weeks after stepping down from cabinet. In her testimony, Wilson-Raybould corroborated the allegations made in the bombshell Globe and Mail article from Feb. 7, that members of the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO), including Butts, had inappropriately pressured her to negotiate a deferred prosecution agreement (DPA) with SNC-Lavalin. Specifically, she described a “consistent and sustained effort” from the PMO to

“politically interfere” with the situation. Negotiating a DPA would help SNC-Lavalin avoid criminal prosecution and a possible criminal conviction, which would prevent it from bidding for government contracts. SNC-Lavalin has been charged with bribery and corruption by the RCMP for illegal activity in Libya between 2004 and 2011. The day after Wilson-Raybould’s testimony, the newly unemployed Butts came forward to request that he also be allowed to tell his side of the story. He did so by writing a letter (which he later tweeted) to Anthony Housefather, the chair of JUST, claiming that he had evidence relevant to the committee. Before Butts was able to testify, Trudeau announced another cabinet shuffle — the second in as many months — to account for Wilson-Raybould leaving her new cabinet position as minister of veterans’ affairs. The first shuffle, which occured on Jan. 14, followed the resignation of Treasury Board President Scott Brison and saw Wilson-Raybould moved (some say demoted) to minister of veterans’ affairs from minister of justice and attorney general. This shuffle also saw Jane Philpott, former minister

Former advisor to the prime minister, Gerald Butts (left). Former attorney genereal, Jody Wilson-Raybould (centre). Liberal MP Celina Caeser-Chavannes (right). | Photos obtained via Wikimedia Commons

of health and minister of Indigenous services, made the president of the Treasury Board, to replace Brison. On March 4, just days after the second shuffle, Philpott followed suit from Wilson-Raybould and also resigned from cabinet. She stated in her public resignation letter that she has “lost confidence in how the government has dealt with this matter,” referring to the SNC-Lavalin affair. Two days later, on March 6, Butts testified before JUST and told a “very different version of events” than that relayed by Wilson-Raybould the week prior. Butts defied Wilson-Raybould’s accusations by saying that the PMO did not pressure her to negotiate a DPA with SNC-Lavalin. He also acknowledged that the cabinet shuffle on

Jan. 14 resulted in a breakdown of trust between Wilson-Raybould and the PMO. Interestingly, Butts mentioned that Trudeau did not initially want to make Wilson-Raybould minister of veterans’ affairs, but instead minister of Indigenous services. However, Wilson-Raybould apparently refused the position, because she could not honour her Indigenous history by working on Indian Act programming. To a d d i n s u lt t o i nj u r y, well-liked Liberal MP Celina Caesar-Chavannes has come forward with claims that Trudeau “met her with hostility” when she told him that she would not run for re-election this October. Caesar-Chavannes has voiced support for Wilson-Raybould, but has

said that her decision not to run again is unrelated to the SNCLavalin affair. Caesar-Chavannes’ announcement, coupled with the resignation of two prominent and respected female cabinet ministers has not reflected well on Trudeau. Both Trudeau and the Liberal party have taken a hit in recent polls, according to CBC Poll Tracker. It is unclear where things will go from here, and whether the Liberals will end up negotiating a DPA with SNCLavalin, but one thing is certain — Trudeau has a lot of work to do to recover some of his old popularity leading up to this October.

NEWS

THE ONTARION

2 5 | T U RBA N UP

ON THE RADAR

Compiled by Matteo Cimellaro ALEX TREBEK, HOST OF JEOPARDY, DIAGNOSED WITH STAGE FOUR PANCREATIC CANCER Sudbury-born television host and former journalist Alex Trebek announced to Jeopardy fans that he has been diagnosed with stage fou r p a nc r e a t ic c a nc er. Trebek is 78 and has been hosting the popular game show for the past 35 years. In his announcement on Facebook, Trebek said he will continue to host the show during his treatment. ETHIOPIAN AIRLINES FLIGHT CRASHES KILLING 157 PEOPLE, INCLUDING 18 CANADIANS A flight scheduled to land in Kenya crashed on Sunday, March 10 killing all 157 people on board. The flight crashed within six minutes of takeoff. The aeroplane, a new model of aircraft called a Boeing 737 MAX 8, was the same model that was in an Indonesian crash back in October that killed all 189 people on board. The crash renews concern about the new Boeing model. U.S. OLYMPIC MEDALIST KELLY CATLIN DIES AT 23 The United States cycling community is mourning the death of Kelly Catlin who helped the U.S. win silver at the 2016 Rio games. Catlin won a silver medal at the games in the team pursuit. In a letter to VeloNews, Catlin’s father said she died due to suicide on Friday, March 8.

25 | SNC-LAVAL IN CON’T

@theontarion

The Truscott Lecture in Justice with Senator Kim Pate THE FUTURE OF MARGINALIZED WOMEN IN THE CANADIAN CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM ELIANA SINICROPI

ON FEB. 28, the University of Guelph held its annual Truscott Lecture in Justice in honour of Steven Truscott who was wrongfully convicted and spent 10 years in prison. The lecture, which has been held at the university for the past decade, recognizes the injustices that can occur at the hands of the Canadian criminal justice system. Senator K im Pate was the guest speaker this year. Pate was appointed to the Senate in 2016, following 24 years as executive director at the Canadian Association of Elizabeth Fry Societies (CAEFS). The CAEFS works with marginalized women in areas of the criminal justice system. This year’s Truscott Lecture dealt primarily with the treatment of marginalized women, especially women who used lethal force against their abusers. Pate is credited with being a major influence in opening an inquiry into certain events at the Prison for Women in Kingston, Ont. This inquiry has led to the implementation of the SelfDefence Review which was tasked with reviewing the sentences and convictions of women who used lethal force against their abusers in self-defence. Pate explained that self-defence is exclusively attributed to acts in which your life is in immediate danger, which is not the case for many victims of abuse who finally confront their abusers. Many women kill their abusers as a result of a threat to their lives, but more commonly their children’s lives. As such, they often don’t give their abusers a chance to further harm them before acting or they wait until their abusers are incapacitated. However, Pate argues that it is unreasonable to expect a woman to wait until a gun is pointed at her before taking action and, for abused women to do so, would likely mean forfeiting their lives. Another issue Pate addressed was the fact that many of these women plead guilty. Entering into a plea bargain is seen as more desirable than undergoing a trial in which they could be sentenced to upwards of 25 years. Furthermore, Pate discussed how in many cases the only witnesses of a woman’s abuse are her children. If this is the case many women will

refuse to allow their children to testify and as such plead guilty to avoid a trial. In the cases where a woman has pleaded guilty, it is very difficult to appeal the case. Pate drew on a wealth of professional experience serving in the criminal justice system and cited several examples of women who were subject to scrutiny from the public for their actions against their abusive husbands. These examples included the cases of Kim Kondejewski and Tammy Marquardt. KIM KONDEJEWSKI

Kondejewski was a victim of abuse at the hands of her husband for almost 20 years. Her husband was part of the Canadian military, and the isolation of living as a military wife combined with her husband’s dangerous spending habits, drinking, adultery, as well as the physical and emotional abuse Kondejewski experienced was a debilitating combination. However, the height of the emotional and physical abuse came as her husband threatened to kill her and their two kids if Kondejewski did not die by suicide. Fearing for the lives of her two children Kondejewski waited for her husband to come home and then shot him, then turned the gun on herself. Kondejewski lived through her suicide attempt and was found not guilty at trial. However, Pate emphasized that the consequences of abuse don’t end there. Kondejewski still struggles with blaming herself for the abuse and is buried in debt because of her husband’s spending habits. TAMMY MARQUARDT

The second example Pate shared was the case of Marquardt, who was imprisoned for the death of her son, Kenneth, who was two years old and epileptic. According to the prosecution, Kenneth died of asphyxia at the hands of his mother. However, she plead not guilty and asserted that an epileptic seizure led to his death. Marquardt was finally released after 13 years in prison after new medical evidence allowed an appeal of her conviction. A few years ago, Pate gave a talk alongside Marquardt. Marquardt wore a t-shirt emblazoned with

Senator Kim Pate spoke at the Steven Truscott Lecture in Justice at the end of February. | Photo obtained via Wikimedia Commons

the words: “It happened to me so it could happen to you.” Pate impressed on the audience that this wasn’t true. She explained that if she had called an ambulance, living in the neighbourhood she does, with the education she has, Pate would not have been treated the same way as Marquardt. Pate argued the criminal justice system still does not have an

efficient way of addressing abused women and the lengths some of these women go to to protect themselves. Moreover, she highlighted that the overrepresentation of marginalized women in the Canadian criminal justice system is not being properly recognized. Pate concluded by advocating for more accessible healthcare and a livable minimum wage.

FOR MORE CONTRARION FUN, FLIP THE PAPER!

Some Big Company Inc.

Need a job? We’re hiring!

SPECS

SOME BIG COMPANY INC. IS HIRING ONE ENTRY LEVEL POSITION NOW.

WE ARE LOOKING FOR AN OUTGOING AND PROFESSIONAL INDIVIDUAL TO JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM! • Do you have five years of experience writing and editing in a professional capacity, doing social media, and management? • Can you send us a writing portfolio with 20 to 50 samples? • Are you proficient with coding, Adobe Office Suite, Google Suite, HTML, CSS, CMS? • Do you have a BSc, MEd, and PhD or equivalent experience? If this sounds like you then we want to hear from you! SERIOUS APPLICANTS ONLY: To apply please send us a cover letter, resume, five letters of reference, your portfolio, and proof of CPR certification by March 21, 2019. Please do not call us or email us to follow up when you never hear from us. You only spent a week putting the application together, but we are employed (unlike you), so can’t spend 10 seconds to let you know we won’t be offering you an interview.

HOURS: 40+ hours per week, some evenings and weekends required. Unpaid 20-minute lunches. No benefits. PAY: You will be compensated in either experience or at minimum wage based on your level of experience and education. OFFICE CULTURE: We have pizza lunch parties every other Friday and have a foosball table, so we are fun! That makes it okay that you can’t afford to pay rent or move out of your parents’ house.

EXCITED. OPTIMISTIC. CONFIDENT.

FUTURE READY. Get the hands-on experience you need to enter the job market with confidence. In one year or less, a Mohawk Graduate Certificate could help you: • Gain workplace experience • Make connections in your field • Increase your employability • Advance your career

Join us at our

Open House events!

Jess Mental Health and Disability Management Student University Graduate

mohawkcollege.ca/gradstudies

CREATED BY MIRALI ALMAULA

186.5 | Mar. 14, 2019

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER

LAST ISSUE OF THE YEAR ON STANDS MARCH 28

TRUSCOTT LECTURE ON JUSTICE PG. 26

PROF. ORBAX TALKS NEW CFRU SHOW PG. 23

MYTHS ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF AGING PG. 21

FORD CHANGES CAMPUS CULTURE SIX-MONTH OSAP GRACE PERIOD SCRAPPED ✔ FREE TUITION PROGRAM CANCELLED ✔ STUDENT CHOICE INITIATIVE MAY END SERVICES ✔