The Ontarion - 196.4

3. International Women’s Day: Inequality isn’t the only issue women are facing

4. CUPE 3913 and university reach agreement

An update on the Central Student Association winter general election

5. Plants in campus conservatory withering away

6 & 7. Q & A with Dr. Evan Fraser, member of the United Nations’ High Level Panel of Experts on Food Security and Nutrition

8. April is Autism Awareness Month

9. Love for gardening blooms at Seedy Saturday events

ARTS & CULTURE

10. Arpit’s Music Review: Looking back on Linkin Park’s Meteora, 21 years later

11. “Omigod You Guys!" Curtain Call Productions put on Legally Blonde!

12. A glitch in time

13. Ontarion Book Review: Unrest by Gwen Tuinman

14. He shoots, he scores Learning about the Madness of March

15. Diving into underwater hockey on campus

16. Spring into refreshing your space

18 & 19. FEATURE STORY: The Ontarion’s guide to the 2024 Eclipse

21. A personal experience with living in the moment

22.

23. Breaking the silence: our fight against tuberculosis

24. College Royal 100th photos

2. Pierre Pollievre's plan to fix Canada

Pierre Pollievre convinced electricians are wizards

3. Air Canada pilots new minimalist program Fool-proof ways to call in

4. Donald Trump encouraging Republicans to look directly at eclipse

Contrarion readers disappointed to find out it’s not THAT Taylor’s

5.

International Women’s Day: Inequality isn’t the only issue women are facing

There is a dire need to address the intimate partner violence that women are facing in 2024

Apop of colour was added to Guelph’s Veterans Memorial Bridge this International Women’s Day, which took place on March 8. Women and femme-identifying individuals of the community wore pink and purple to celebrate the accomplishments of women and advocate for the solidarity of those whose experiences are less visible.

Participants unfurled an International Women’s Day banner across the bridge, brought empowering signs, took up space, and most importantly, they got loud.

They cheered for past successes and shared hopes for a more prosperous future, while also acknowledging women who are hurting. Specifically, women who still need support and women whose voices continue to be ignored. Participants echoed their cries, and those cries reverberated the need for change all throughout the city.

The location of the event was extremely significant as it relates to the history of International Women’s Day. In 1993, two women, in response to the rape of 50,000 women during the Bosnian War, developed a program known as Women for Women International. This crusade then became international, involving tens of thousands of people, in more than a dozen countries that join together every March 8 through human rights demonstrations to establish their support for women facing violence internationally.

Specifically acknowledged at this demonstration were the women in Gaza and the injustices surrounding the investigations for Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and Girls.

The event was organized in collaboration with Guelph-Wellington Women in Crisis, HIV/

AIDS Resources and Community Health (ARCH), the WomenOMEN and HIV/AIDS Initiative, the Canadian Federation of University Women (CFUW), the YMCA of 3 Rivers, Zonta Club of Guelph, and the Secret 3K. The event offered a space for women to be vulnerable and accepting of one another, while also promoting encouragement and enlightenment.

Following the demonstration, participants marched to a lunchtime event that involved the personal stories of three guest speakers: Dominique O’Rourke, Nothemba June Moyo, and Kween. Each speaker described their experiences in combating adversity and encouraged the continuation of support for women’s issues. Specifically, the support needed for women facing intimate partner violence, women with AIDS, women of colour, and those part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Kween was one of the leaders of the Black Lives Matter protest and established The Kween Company, which is used as an outlet for mentorship and education to support small businesses by encouraging artistry, empowerment, and advocacy. Through her dialogue at the event, she beautifully articulated the importance of showing up and offering support for each other.

“Recently, I’ve been overcome with this idea of space and what we can do within that space…and I’ve come to this idea of space within duality,” Kween said. “We can live within two spaces [at once], that means grief and that means happiness. That also means success. And that also means failures… Today as we are led through just so much devastation that we're going through

in our world, [it is important to recognize] how much beauty there is.”

Moyo’s story addressed the challenges associated with sexual violence, the contraction of HIV, and the stigma that comes with it.

O’Rourke, who is one of Guelph’s Ward 6 City Councillors, further advanced the conversations surrounding intimate partner violence by informing attendees of her motion to declare intimate partner violence, (IPV), an epidemic across the province, country, and city of Guelph. She noted the extremely high rates of IPV locally and emphasized that these numbers only include the cases reported and deemed serious enough for arrest. As such, many of these statistics are inaccurate and do not illuminate the full scope of the issue.

She recalled that 70 per cent of the top four most frequent incident reports are family and IPV-related, making 40 per cent of the homicides in the Peel Region family and intimate partner related. She then stressed that 50 families every month are on the high-risk list and just last year, there were at least 1,550 calls for service involving domestic violence investigations and then up to 496 arrests. She expresses that these individuals are “Not just numbers, they’re our neighbours.”

When talking with Guelph-Wellington Women in

Crisis’ public educator Cindy McMann, she noted that Guelph does not provide enough support and crisis programs for women facing domestic violence.

“In Canada, rates of violence are [rapidly increasing], and have been for a number of years. We have waitlists for a lot of our programs, [which is devastating because] people shouldn't have to wait for those services. We should be able to have access to the services that we need. And I think we need much more in the way of a sustained investment [in] helping survivors to heal and to thrive,” McMann said.

The discussion surrounding IPV was carried out into the night with the keynote address and panel discussion of Layne, The Auctionista. This address was heartwarming and heart-wrenching, as it covered Layne's experience with IPV, exclusion, isolation, and displacement followed by their journey of self-love, newfound support, and acceptance.

Carla Kostiak, an attendee on the bridge, shared the importance of Women’s Day to her, a day which she uses to celebrate women who have inspired her. Specifically, she commented, “I’ve been influenced by a lot of wonderful leaders in my life. So, it’s great to champion the people that champion us along the way.”

Karen Suk-Patrick, VP of people culture and community for

Guelph General Hospital, also noted that Women’s Day is a day that “Should be important to everyone because women still don't have equality in this world, in any place. Rights are [continuously] being threatened across the world. So it's an important day to celebrate that women are leaders, to support one another, and celebrate our successes.”

Two key themes felt throughout the events were that of inclusion and support. Mcmann encourages anyone looking to support women in the community who have experienced IPV to “Educate themselves, learn about the issues that are impacting women and femme-identifying folks, and … just keep checking in.”

“If [these individuals] know that somebody is there in their life who can support them and who's going to be kind to them, then that can really go a long way towards building that support network that people who are experiencing violence really need,” McMann continued.

Lastly, McMann suggested that individuals support their local gender-based violence organizations through volunteering, donations, or supplies.

For those experiencing IPV, McMann emphasizes that there are resources available to assist you. Their 24/7 crisis line is 1-800-265-7233 (SAFE) or 519836-5710.

CUPE 3913 and university reach agreement

Union president Scott Duchesne said this was a “historic result” for CUPE 3913

Alocal chapter of the Canadian Union of Public Employees, CUPE, has avoided a vote to strike after months of negotiations with the University of Guelph.

According to Scott Duchesne, president of CUPE 3913, the union informed the university in December 2023 that they had set a strike action date for March 2024.

“We subsequently filed for conciliation (the first step toward a legal strike deadline) in early February, which brought in a government mediator in early March,”

Duchesne told The Ontarion in an email. “We also held a strike mandate vote in February (which gave the bargaining committee a mandate to call for a strike vote).

We are deeply appreciative of our membership who voted 92.5 per cent in favour of that mandate, which placed pressure on the university to settle.”

Duchesne said that CUPE 3913 is different from other bargaining groups at the university.

“Our members are students as well as workers,” he said. “We represent members who are the university's primary source of revenue - especially our international members - and who directly deliver the quality of education for undergraduate students.”

According to CUPE 3913’s instagram, items on the table for negotiating were: a liveable wage, improved mental health supports, job security, reducing graduate student workload and graduate financial assistance through tuition reimbursement.

Duchesne explained that there were two units of union members, both with their own set of challenges.

“Our Unit 1 members highlighted workload as a top priority. Aside from the negative effect on their mental health, too many work assignments took our members away from their program work, which delayed their completion times,” Duch-

esne said. “For Unit 2 our focus was on job security, especially at Guelph-Humber where members were losing jobs by way of the university combining sections of a course.”

On March 19, CUPE 3913 announced that it had reached an agreement with the university. Duchesne credited the union’s efforts to get their message out.

“We got the attention of local media, which published several articles about the bargaining process,” he said. “Along with our own events, including a recent rally/cook-out during College Royal,

An update on the Central Student Association winter general election

It’s time to vote in your spring by-election

CARLOTA SOUSA

The voting period for the Central Student Association (CSA) winter general election concluded on March 13. The unofficial election executive results showed that the votes for each executive candidate did not meet the required 10% quorum (2,235 votes). Due to this, CSA by-laws indicate that a spring by-election must occur, which is currently underway for

the 2024-2025 academic year.

The spring by-election includes the nominations period from March 21 to 28 and the voting period from April 3 to 10, or to April 17 if extended. The vacant executive positions are President, Vice President (VP) Student Experience, VP Academic, and VP External. Voting can be done through the CSA’s hybrid

in-person polling stations located throughout campus. For details on how to run in the by-election, on executive responsibilities, and polling locations, visit https://csaonline.ca/elections/spring-2024election.

If quorum is not met for the spring by-election, then a board appointment process will occur as dictated by the CSA’s by-laws.

we brought our member's struggle into the spotlight and compelled the university to address the issues we raised in negotiations.”

Duchesne said this is a historic result for CUPE 3913.

“Not only do we have a wage rise that puts us on par with sector averages… we have also successfully addressed the workload issues for our Unit 1 members and job security for our Unit 2 members,” Duchesne said. “This is the best outcome for this bargaining round - we will put more money in the pockets of our members, and we have improved the condi-

tions under which they work and study. This is a win for everyone, as our members will have a greater capacity to do what they do best - educate and inspire undergraduates, which will make the university better. “

A meeting will be held on March 28 to officially ratify the agreement between CUPE 3913 and the University of Guelph. Duchesne said that if the union ratifies the agreement, changes could come into effect 90 days after that decision. If the union does not ratify they will vote to go on strike.

Plants in campus conservatory withering away

From “a jewel in the crown” of the university to a costly repair bill

The D.M. Rutherford Conservatory has been the focal point of the Conservatory Gardens on the University of Guelph campus since 1930.

What was once a tropical greenhouse lush with greenery and flowers is now a greenhouse in need of repair, with plants having been left without care for several months.

The conservatory is one of the last pagoda-style greenhouses in North America. It is currently listed under heritage designation. In 2025, every building on the heritage designation will be removed and unable to be redesignated for another five years.

By 1998, the conservatory had fallen into a state of disrepair. It was restored in the same year, thanks in part to a donation by OAC alumnus Don Rutherford. When the conservatory reopened in June 1999, it was renamed the D.M. Rutherford Conservatory. A 1999 news release from the University of Guelph called the conservatory “a jewel in the crown.”

Last year, the conservatory was closed off to the public due to badly needed repairs.

The Ontarion reached out to the University of Guelph to learn more about the conservatory during this time of uncertainty.

The Ontarion requested information about whether or not the university will oppose renewing the conservatory’s heritage designation, if the university consulted community members about the conservatory, if the university has plans to tear down the greenhouse and why the plants in the greenhouse were being left to die.

“The University has informed community members connected to the conservatory of its current status,” said Jessamine Luck, Manager of Stakeholder Communications for the University of Guelph, in an email to The Ontarion. “We are still investigating the best next steps for the conservatory. Clippings from plants inside the conservatory were taken and are being cared for in U of G’s other greenhouses.”

No other details were provided in the University’s response.

This is an ongoing story and may be updated in future editions of The Ontarion.

Q & A with Dr. Evan Fraser, member of the United Nations’ High Level Panel of Experts on Food Security and Nutrition

Dr. Fraser discusses his experience on the panel, and how the United Nations is addressing food security

Dr. Evan Fraser was appointed as one of 15 world-renowned scientists to sit on the steering committee of the High Level Panel of Experts on Food Security and Nutrition (HLPE-FSN) for the United Nations Committee on World Food Security (CFS) late last year. The Ontarion spoke with Fraser about what his experience on this committee has been like so far.

What are the goals of the United Nations Committee on World Food Security and Nutrition?

The decision for the Committee on World Food Security and Nutrition was that there needed to be a body to advise the United Nations and develop strategies around food insecurity.

So the goal is global food security at all times, for all people. The Committee on World Food Security has a secretariat, which is very small, that runs the administration. It has what's called the “plenary,” which is where all the member state ambassadors attend, and has what they call the High Level Panel of Experts, (HLPE), which is a group of scientists that advise the secretariat and the plenary on the state of science. Sometimes it's called the Science-Policy Interface. A lot of different disciplines have science-policy interfaces, so, like in medicine, there's all sorts of bodies of medical scientists that advise the government on health things. This is the science-policy interface for food security for the world.

What are some of the challenges that world food security is currently facing?

Well, we live in this terrible situation where, since 2015, both the number of hungry people and the number of people struggling with chronic diseases linked with diet, obesity... things like that, are increasing. So across my whole

life from well, certainly the last four decades, up until 2015, problems like obesity and diabetes were going up, but problems like hunger were coming down. In 2015 and 2016, the data shifted and hunger started rising again. So that's really scary, right? And yet we're producing more food… and more food per capita than we ever have before. We're in this weird situation where there’s more food than there's ever been before per person, and the number of people struggling with chronic diseases linked with diet is increasing and the number of people not able to access enough calories is rising. So that's a huge challenge.

I personally think there's three main reasons why we’re in this situation. One is climate change, specifically in Africa, which is making it really hard for smallholder farmers to make a livelihood. Second would be conflict, specifically conflicts like Ukraine and Gaza right now, but also much of Eastern Africa and the Horn of Africa has been in terrible conflict situations for decades. And [thirdly] rising inequality. Since the 1990s, a very small percentage of the world's population has gained an even greater percentage of the world's wealth, while a vast number of somewhere between one and two billion people have fallen further and further behind. I think those are the three big picture drivers which account for why we have this situation today. I don’t want to be too depressing, but I don't think these things are going to change anytime soon. The conflicts seem to be getting worse, climate change is certainly getting worse, and every year it seems that the world becomes more inequitable.

Do you think the rising global population contributes to the issues surrounding food security?

I don’t think population is as big an issue as we sometimes

think it is. At a global level, [the population] has flattened out in many parts of the world. Interestingly, if you put food production and population growth over the same period of time, food production has stayed ahead of population growth. So we say that the population has risen exponentially, which it has, but food production has risen even faster. So our ability to create better technologies, seeds, fertilizers… have kept food production comfortably ahead of population growth. So there's more food per capita, even though there's more people. So that's actually a good news story, right?

There's a sustainability argument that makes it scary. We produce a lot of food… we are very good at producing carbohydrates, particular grains, oilseeds, livestock, and we are very efficient. But we are so efficient that there’s significant sustainability and environmental problems associated with that. Just producing the stuff isn’t the problem, producing the stuff and not screwing up the planet is the problem.

How many meetings have you had so far?

I’ve had one in-person, two electronic meetings, and then lots of emails. It meets twice a year in-person, and as needed [we meet] electronically. It's a two-year term where everyone gets appointed for two years and it’s renewable for two additional years, so it's a four-year term.

In terms of structure and order of events, what are steering committee meetings like with the High Level Panel of Experts on Food Security and Nutrition (HLPEFSN) of the United Nations Committee on World Food Security and Nutrition?

We've got two ways of working. One would be that the Committee on World Food Security and Nutrition creates a MultiYear Programme of Work, (MYPoW), every four years. So the MYPoW basically establishes themes and the secretariat and the plenary basically say to the scientists “Every year as part of the multi-year programme of work you’re going to tackle a theme.” So the theme we're just wrapping up from last year is urban and peri-urban food systems. This next cycle is resiliency, and then the one after that is Indigenous food systems. That’s for 2024, 2025, and 2026.

In addition to that, those big themes result in us working on fairly major reports which are formally [called] the state of the science or the state of thinking around those things. It’s a 150page long, multi-author report with hundreds and hundreds of references and tons of recommendation reports. In addition to that, on a sort of, every six month basis as issues come up, the secretary or the plenary can say to us, “Can you write us a briefing document on something that's topical or something that's major?” There was one that came out about COVID, and about the Ukraine invasion. Those are much shorter documents written within a much shorter time frame. The HLPE often turns to the plenary and says, “This is an issue we think you should write about. Is it okay if we do a briefing document on this topic?” So there seems to be those two modalities. One is the MYPoW that sets the major themes many years in advance, and then there's the briefing documents that come up as issues arise.

So for those big documents, normally what would happen is that the HLPE as a whole would create a team of three or four people that would lead it and they would have a budget and would get experts from around the world to actually do the drafting and the writing. Then it comes back to the HLPE for scientific review.

What is your specific role in the meetings?

I'm one of those experts. So as an example, with the report on urban and peri-urban food systems, the authors wrote the first draft, and then it came to the 15 of us [on the HLPE steering committee]. We all had to read it and comment on it. Then we discussed it and then all that feedback was sent back to the writing team and they had to write a second draft. Then that second draft went out to public consultation. If the writing group and the HLPE is happy with it then that goes on a website and they invite comments from anybody in the world. In this case, that generated a lot of feedback. Hundreds and hundreds of comments. We [the HLPE] had a whole meeting just to go through the feedback that people had sent in from all over the world. We then spent quite a while sifting through the feedback to provide the authors with distilled feedback. Then we approve the final report, and I participate in each of those steps.

On the one [MYPoW theme of] dealing with resilience, I will probably volunteer to be on the coordinating team because that's a subject that I've worked on. So that's the second specific role. The third one is that I will keep my ears open for things like emerging topics and offer to help on those emerging topics as things come up. So like a bad drought, bad climate change event, disease, or African swine flu. As those things happen, I will offer to participate in writing the briefing documents…showing up

to meetings, and being available to answer any questions.

How are you finding the experience so far?

Super excited and super frustrating at the same time. The exciting part is that there’s 15 members of the committee and the secretariat for us are such good people. The topics [are] unbelievably great topics. But the UN is a very, very big network of organizations that include multiple jurisdictions and multiple partners and figuring out how to effectively work in that highly complicated environment is hard. It’s hard for anybody.

So I think the mission and the people are great, and the topics are fabulous, and working in a big complicated bureaucracy can be frustrating… How do you get change through when there's so many different people? There's

the Food and Agriculture Organization, and the World Food Programme, and the International Fund for Agricultural Development, and the Committee on World Food Security. So each of those are big organizations and they all have similar mandates that overlap with each other and touch base with each other.

My fundamental message is that this is exactly the right kind of work to be involved in. These are the right people, the right players, and generating change is

hard. I'm not blaming or criticizing anybody for that, it’s just the reality of things. I mean, there's nothing simple about trying to figure out a strategy to deal with climate change and food security. There's nothing simple about that.

What have you learned and/ or enjoyed so far?

Well I’ve learned a ton. I know a lot more about urban and peri-urban food systems in Africa than I did before. I mean, that's good because that was not an area that I spent any time researching before. The one on resilience which is the next theme that's coming up, is something as a scientist that I've studied a lot. So I'm not expecting to learn as much, but be able to offer more on that one. So I'm learning a lot about the subjects that I'm not as familiar with, and secondly,

I'm learning a lot about how the United Nations operates which is really interesting. The thing I've enjoyed the most are these 15 people who are part of the panel. They are really interesting and really, really cool people. They’ve done a lot and they’ve got tremendous expertise. So from just a personal perspective, being able to make new friends and colleagues with 15 really interesting people who all come from different countries. Fifteen people, 15 countries. That's pretty cool. I came away from my first meeting in the fall, just purely excited by the human side of things.

When is the next meeting, and where will it be held?

Once a year the meeting is in Rome, which is where… the Food and Agriculture Organization headquarters is. The spring meeting [the next one] is some-

where else in the world where perhaps a member of the panel sits, so we're going to Istanbul in Turkey in April.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

I’d just conclude with what a great honor and opportunity this is. This is policymaking at the highest level in the world and being able to participate in that with this quality of people is remarkable. The fact that we're at a very important point in world history, I think, in terms of developing food systems, which can sustain nine billion people, address climate change, provide equity and good nutrition… I think these are some of the defining questions for this generation. So it's exciting. No matter how hard the work is, or how frustrating it might be at times, this is the right thing to be doing.

April is Autism Awareness Month

What is Autism Awareness Month and why is it important?

ATHAVI NISHAANTHAN

The first of April marks the start of Autism Awareness Month. This is a time to educate, accept, and spread awareness about autism spectrum disorder, (ASD). ASD affects millions of people worldwide, but despite this, in many places there is still a lack of resources for people with ASD. Society is built to cater to neurotypical individuals. Neurodivergent individuals, like those with ASD, are often forgotten because of this. While over the years there have been strides to make the world more inclusive for people with ASD, further support is still needed. The purpose of Autism Awareness Month is to educate others on how they can help and to put an end to the many misconceptions surrounding ASD.

Stereotypes & Misconceptions

There are many harmful stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding ASD and people living with autism. Harmful stereotypes label autistic individuals as “dangerous” and “unintelligent” when this is not the case. People living with autism are not dangerous. Although some may have outbursts, they are not random. There is often a trigger that causes the outburst. By labelling people living with autism as “dangerous,” others are taught that they should fear them. As for being labelled “unintelligent,” it is quite the opposite. There are many strengths that come with ASD. For example, almost half of autistic people also have above average intelligence. Other strengths include strong memory, strong visual and auditory learning abilities, and the ability to excel in subjects like math, science, or art.

Furthermore, misconceptions create the idea that people living with autism can not have healthy relationships or experience emotions, which is also inaccurate. Just like everyone else, autistic people are capable of creating and maintaining healthy, personal relationships and experiencing a variety of emotions. This misconception isolates and alienates autistic individuals from everyone else. It also creates the idea that autistic individuals are not able to enjoy life when they are fully capable of doing so.

Overall, stereotypes and misconceptions spread false information that contributes to stigma.By stigmatizing ASD, the notion that ASD is something to be ashamed of is created. This leads to people not wanting to get diagnosed, and not seeking the help they may need. Stigma discourages people from positively embracing certain parts of themselves, so to end the stigma, there needs to be an end to stereotypes and misconceptions.

Language

When discussing ASD, it is important to use the proper language so that negative connotations are avoided. Autism is often talked about negatively as it is described as a deficit or a loss. This type of language adds to stigma as it makes ASD come across as something that is a disadvantage. This makes it difficult for people living with autism to proudly embrace who they are. This is why when discussing ASD, it is important to use language that does not paint it in a negative light.

How To Help

This month, take the time to learn what steps you can take to support and take action to make the world a more inclusive place for people living with autism. Educate yourself about autism. Education is a powerful tool that can help eliminate the use of hurtful language, stereotypes, and misconceptions, which overall helps reduce stigma. Reducing stigma is one of the best ways to create more acceptance surrounding ASD as it removes the element of shame.

In addition, look into organizations and campaigns that support autistic individuals. Many organizations practice autism acceptance by consistently employing people living with autism. These are amazing businesses to support since they openly embrace diversity. Donating to campaigns that aim to provide more resources and support for these individuals is also an amazing way to show support.

Lastly, practice acceptance by spreading awareness about autism and showing support yearound. Although Autism Awareness Month is in April, there is no reason why you can’t show support during any other month. Autism does not last just one month. It is a lifelong journey that deserves attention every day. Practice autism education, acceptance, and awareness each day.

Love for gardening blooms at Seedy Saturday events

Take a look at what gardening means to our community

Seedy Saturdays are individually organized events all over Canada. During the month of March, four events were held in the Guelph and Wellington County area. The events encourage the community to gather and swap seeds and educate each other on environmentally friendly gardening practices.

The Seed Exchange is a table where individuals can bring their own harvested and packaged seeds to share with the community. There is no cost to donate or pick up seeds, however, donations are accepted for the organization. The seeds can be vegetables, fruits, flowers, herbs, and many more. A few tables are covered in little packs of seeds free for the taking. If you are considering donating seeds from your garden for next year’s events, ensure they are packaged and labeled with the seed name, plant life span, the date of harvest, and your name. Attendees are free to drop and take seeds at their desire.

Seedy Saturday events include up to 30 vendors who are local business owners in the gardening industry. These vendors showcase their products

and services, ranging from seeds, homemade topical products, locally harvested goods, gardening tools, and sustainably crafted art. Purchasing these goods directly supports small businesses in our community.

The Ontarion spoke with Nancy Hainsworth, a vendor at a local Seedy Saturday event this past March. Hainsworth locally grows her seeds in her garden in Waterloo. She has been attending Seedy Saturday events for four years and was a keynote speaker at the event in Centre Wellington on March 16.

Hainsworth specializes in urban gardening and said, “I have seeds that you can grow indoors, so if you don’t have an outdoor space, you can still have that mental health help or the rewarding feeling of growing your own fresh food.” Hainsworth enjoys these events because “I think gardening is the best step towards fixing climate change because everybody can do it.”

Events like these are important as they help provide the community with a greater variety of seeds. Attendees can explore a variety of seeds while supporting

local businesses.

“The big-name seed companies don’t sell that big of a variety, especially when you consider how many varieties there are. There are thousands of types of tomatoes. and half of us here [at the event] don’t have the same tomatoes,” said Hainsworth.

Seedy Saturdays bring gardening to the Guelph community.

“I find gardeners are generally nice people, and we are all congenial,” Hainsworth said. “Somebody today thought it was because we are nurturing people because we are willing to nurture plants.”

Gardeners are patient and kind people, who want to educate and learn about gardening.

Hainsworth said, “We like to share. We share knowledge, we share seeds, even if it’s business things, we tend to share with each other. I have traded seeds with other businesses before. It’s not like we feel like we are in much competition with each other, which I think is so amazing.”

Look to the Seeds of Diversity website for more information regarding future events.

ARTS & CULTURE

11 LEGALLY BLONDE

12 | TIME

Arpit’s Music Review: Looking back on Linkin Park’s Meteora, 21 years later

Meteora strikes with Shinoda's rapping and Bennington’s heartfelt vocals

ARPIT VAGHELA

On March 25, Linkin Park's sophomore album Meteora celebrated its 21st anniversary. After the success of their debut album Hybrid Theory, the band crafted their second studio album, which was named after Greek Orthodox monasteries. Lead vocalist Chester Bennington described this album on Genius, saying, “We were also just going for it. We didn’t really care about what anybody else was doing.”

Meteora featured five singles before the album’s release, most notable of which is “Numb,” the track everybody knows and loves. I got introduced to Linkin Park through my cousin, who sent me a wrestling montage of John Cena vs. Dave Bautista. “Numb” was used as the background track for that video. I was so stunned by the song, I didn’t even care about the wrestlers. My Akon-listening ass found solace in the music of Linkin Park.

This album kicks off with “Foreword,” a 13 second introduction to Meteora that leads into “Don’t Stay.” “Don’t Stay” describes a toxic relationship where a suffering person seeks freedom. The chorus sneers, “Take all your faithlessness with you, just give me myself back and don’t stay.”

Then, the album’s first single, “Somewhere I Belong,” describes the dark and ominous feelings of anguish, anger, and discomfort that many people feel daily. Bennington seamlessly transitions through

these feelings, adding depth and emotion to every moment. His vocal versatility led to this track reaching number one on several music charts.

The fourth track “Lying From You” is about pushing someone away by cheating, using toxic language, and being a horrible person. Bennington nails it during the chorus, his voice shifting between soft and dark. Then, “Easier to Run” explores emotional struggle and the desire to escape from inner turmoil. Bennington screams, "It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb,” and Mike Shinoda raps, “If I could change, I would, take back the pain, I would retrace every wrong move that I made." Bennington and Shinoda's combo is such an overlooked duo in music. Everybody should give them flowers for combining hip-hop and rock into one.

Now, this is where the album reaches its peak: its seventh track. “Faint” is an absolute banger. The song opens with a gripping guitar riff and propulsive drumbeat, setting the stage for Bennington's powerful vocals to soar. "Faint" explores themes of frustration, defiance, and the struggle to maintain one's identity in the face of external pressures and expectations. The chorus erupts with explosive energy as Bennington passionately declares, "I can't feel the way I did before, don't turn your back on me, I won't be ignored.” The bridge features a dynamic interplay between Bennington's raw

13 | BOOK REVIEW

screams and Shinoda's rapid-fire rap verses, showcasing the band's versatility and dynamic range.

But hold on, they’re not finished.

The eighth track, "Figure.09," delves into personal struggle, inner conflict, and the search for redemption. Bennington's vocals oscillate between haunting vulnerability and explosive power as he wrestles with his inner demons. The best part of this song is at 3:11, when everything halts and small disk scratches can be heard before the transition to “Breaking The Habit.”

This fifth and final single is probably the band’s most vulnerable track. Shinoda wrote the track inspired by his friend’s drug addiction and Bennington battled with the same demons since his childhood.

The verses sting with lines like, “Memories consume like opening the wound, I'm picking me apart again” and “I don't want to be the one the battles always choose, 'cause inside, I realize that I'm the one confused.”

The most emotional part of this song is the bridge, where Bennington blames himself for his desire to end his life. “I’ll paint it on the walls” and “This is how it ends” could reference using a firearm to take one’s own life.

The great songs never end on Meteora

“From The Inside” is a high-energy song that captures the band's signature blend of rock, nu metal, and electronic elements. Lyrically, the song explores themes of inner turmoil and the struggle to break free from emotional barriers. The instrumentation is dynamic, with heavy guitar riffs, driving percussion, and electronic sounds. Then, “Nobody’s Listening” samples a Japanese bamboo flute alongside Shinoda’s rapping. The track explores themes of frustration, alienation, and the feeling of being unheard.

But the final track, “Numb”, is indescribably beautiful. As Linkin Park’s most recognizable song, “Numb” is about feeling disconnected and overwhelmed, and the struggle to find one's place in the world. The piano throughout the track, Bennington’s heartfelt vocals, and the heavy guitar riffs during every chorus create the most magnificent musical piece that you’ve ever heard.

Overall, Meteora has a really special place in my heart, because this is the album that introduced me to the band. I

wasn't even a rock fan at first, but this album helped me explore the world of rock music and made me more appreciative of the genre.

The biggest highlight of this album for me would be Bennington’s unique ability to captivate and move audiences with his voice. With a vocal range that spans from gentle melodies to gut-wrenching screams, he can convey a wide spectrum of emotions in his performances. I’ve never heard any singer who can both scream and hum in the same song without losing their pitch. He is one of a kind. If you want to see how adaptable Bennington’s voice is, search Bennington’s cover of Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep” at iTunes Festival 2011. He can cover any artist’s song, but no one has his iconic vocal versatility. He is one of the most gifted musical artists of all time.

Unfortunately, on July 20, 2017, Bennington lost his battle against depression and decided to end his life. I still remember the day when I came back from school and put on VH1 to watch new music videos. All they showcased was Linkin Park. My dumb brain was like, “Wow! Damn, I think today’s Chester’s birthday or something,” but I was so wrong. I hate that day. The impact of his death on me was tremendous. I set wallpapers of my every device to Bennington, I stopped listening to Linkin Park’s music, and overall, my interest in rock music died. As of now, I still refuse to listen to the tracks, “Lost in the Echo” and "Talking to Myself” because I don't want to go back to those painful times.

I tribute this review to my cousin, Kaushal, who was the biggest fan of Linkin Park. He sadly passed away in 2013. We used to bump their tracks while playing counter strike, we even set the intro of the track “A Place of My Head” as our ringtones. I still have all of our wallpapers and the illegally downloaded Linkin Park tracks on my devices. In the end, I just wanna say, may Kaushal find peace in the afterlife. You would have loved the 20142016 Kanye West era.

SCORE: 100 / 100, 5 /5

BEST TRACK OF THE ALBUM: “BREAKING THE HABIT”

“Omigod You Guys!" Curtain Call Productions put on Legally Blonde!

This campus catch showed War Memorial friendship, ambition, and the Bend and Snap

From March 22-24, Curtain Call Productions painted the town pink with the iconic musical Legally Blonde. All four performances were entirely sold out in the days before the show. For good reason – the talented cast, crew, and live pit band made the show an illegally fun time.

Legally Blonde features the bubbly sorority girl Elle Woods, a fashion major at UCLA who loves her chihuahua Bruiser, her Delta Nu girls, and her boyfriend Warner. Elle picks out a perfect pink dress and envisions her and Warner’s future together – until he breaks up with her instead of proposing. Apparently, being blonde and being hot makes Elle not “serious” enough. But Elle enrols into Harvard Law School, determined to prove herself and win Warner back.

Director Jorja Hall described Legally Blonde as fun, sparkly, and real. She said that her favourite moments of this show are “Blood in the Water”, where Michael Albanese went all out as the ruthless Professor Callahan, and “What You Want”, with its cheerleader costumes and huge, exciting dance break. She also loved the show’s smaller numbers, like the title track “Legally Blonde.”

“Since the first day, when we were practising vocals, it made me tear up and cry because it’s one of my favourite musical theatre songs of all time,” she said. “I love Elle’s character.”

Through Elle, Legally Blonde features important messages about sexism and the barriers women face in achieving their goals. Elle’s femininity makes others think she’s less capable, but she achieves her goals and stuns sexists. She proves you can be hard-working and noteworthy (all while taking your notes with sparkly pink gel pens).

Legally Blonde resonated with many women in the audience. As a marketing management major, Hall has felt like she’s taken less seriously than her male counterparts.

“I have been constantly surrounded by the idea that I have to be a certain way to be ‘professional’,” she said. “I have to prove myself because I'm a woman.”

She later added, “As much as it's played up and it's fun… it's real, and stuff like this happens and people like Elle exist. And they're constantly being discredited because they wear pink, or they're a woman, or they're blonde… People love to pick apart women for just the smallest, tiniest little things to make them seem unprofessional when really, they're probably more professional than most of the men that are in these industries. And people don't see that.”

Hall encouraged audience members to support women in their lives, point out inequalities that they notice and see how they can change their behaviour to make women feel more safe and valued. Additionally, stage manager Lily Mammel encouraged audience members to embody Elle’s confidence.

“She goes after what she wants,” Mammel said. “It's kind of crazy to follow a man through an entire career change, but then she owns it. Like, the scene when she comes out in the bunny costume – she gains the confidence to overcome that embarrassment.”

Alyssa Mackenzie, who played Elle Woods, said that this role allowed her to embrace her femininity and trust her gut.

“I'm an anxious person,” Mackenzie said. “So especially when I'm feeling like that, and I'm walking around campus, I can kind of put Elle on for a second. If you just walk like Elle, that's gonna get you through a lot of anxious situations.”

Everyone had a blast putting on Legally Blonde. Mackenzie and co-star Ryan O’Donnell, who plays Emmett Forrest, described that they loved developing their characters and harmonising during “Take It Like a Man.”

“That's one of my favourites,” said Mackenzie. “Just because like when you get that harmony, it’s so good. It's so nice to sing together. And it's just such a fun number.”

Albanese loved developing Professor Calahan’s facial expressions, gestures, and intolerant personality.

“This really obnoxious, cartoony, expressive bad guy is just the role I like doing the most,” he said.

Additionally, as David Svoboda plays both Paulette’s scummy ex and Kyle, he described that it’s interesting to switch between gross ex-boyfriend and hot UPS guy.

“It's very fun,” he said. “And honestly, opening night, getting cat-called and wolf-whistled at was a fun experience. I'm glad I don't have to deal with it all the time.”

Putting on a musical takes extensive work. Last summer, a board of directors was hired and the process took off. Hall applied for the rights for 13 shows, crossing her fingers in hopes she’d secure either Legally Blonde or Mamma Mia. She had a clear vision for Legally Blonde, which included making Warner douchier.

“How he was portrayed in other iterations that I had seen... I didn't love it,” she said. “There's so many opportunities that are completely missed with him. I really turned him into the ultimate douchey guy, and Ivan, who's playing Warner, has helped me so much with figuring out his character and how to make it natural. This might be a tad exaggerated, but these guys do exist.”

At the fall general meeting, the show was announced and actors began preparations. Meanwhile, stage director Lily Mammel incorporated props, costumes, set design, lighting, and sound.

"If you think of putting a show on like putting a puzzle together, the director designs and paints the picture, and then I build the actual puzzle,” she said.

There were auditions, callbacks, read-throughs, and three rehearsals a week until March. Although this is a big time commitment, cast members developed their skills, met new people, and built strong friendships.

“It’s such a huge community,” Mackenzie said. “Especially with this show, Ryan and I are

going to be friends forever. And so many other amazing people, especially with the Delta Nu girls and everything. It’s just such a good vibe in rehearsals.”

Svoboda loves rehearsing with the cast and helping people grow as performers.

“I've done this for a number of years now and I'm fairly used to it,” he said. “So it's really nice to help other people, for whom this may be their first musical or first show, to help them feel comfortable in this space.”

If you’re interested in getting involved in next year’s musical, you can follow Curtain Call Productions on Instagram @curtaincallpro.

All in all, the cast, crew, and Board of Directors behind Legally Blonde hope you laughed a lot, cried a little, and learned that it’s important to be your sparkly self.

“I’m so glad that you all spent your time and money coming in to see a bunch of people have fun on stage and just goof around and sing and dance in pink and Harvard colours,” Svoboda said. “And I hope that you had as good of a time watching as we had putting it on.”

A glitch in time

These facts about history will warp your perception of time

We all have preconceptions about what happened when and what happened first. But sometimes history gets a little off kilter. Here’s some strange historical facts that are sure to mess with your perception of time.

1. Betty White was born before the invention of sliced bread

The famous comedian, producer and overall icon was four years old when pre-sliced bread finally hit the shelves in 1928. With a career spanning over 60 years, she was the first woman to produce an American national TV show and the oldest person (so far) to host Saturday Night Live. Though she passed away in 2021, her funny antics can still be found in the many shows she was a part of. You could say that sliced bread is the greatest thing since Betty White.

2. Woolly mammoths went extinct after the pyramids were built

No, they did not help to build them. Yes, there are theories about aliens actually building the pyramids. The last of the Great Pyr-

amids of Giza was completed in 2490 B.C. by Menkaure, pharaoh of Egypt at the time. The last mammoths died out on a remote island in Siberia around 4,000 years ago, which is about 500 years after construction on the pyramids ended.

3. King Louis XIV could have gone to Harvard King Louis XIV was known as the “Sun King” for his political strategy of making himself the social centre of his court and country. He was born in 1638, two years after Harvard University was founded. If he hadn’t been so wrapped up in court politics and war, he could have taken a boat to America and pursued a degree in Latin.

4. Newton and the… Salem Witch Trials?

Sir Issac Newton’s “Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica”, which laid out his famous three laws of motion, was published in 1687. Just five years later, in 1692, the first Salem

Witch Trials began. Over 200 people were accused of witchcraft over the course of the hysteria. None of them were accused of violating Newton’s Second Law, strangely enough.

5. Recently deceased Greenland sharks were around for the French Revolution Greenland sharks are truly impressive animals. A 2016 study used radiocarbon-dating to determine the approximate age of several of these ancient giants. The oldest sample they had came from a shark that was about 272 years old-- that means she was born around 1744. Since the French Revolution began in 1787, surely she would have been waving a flag and yelling “Down with the monarchy!”

Dr. Who was right to say that history is “A big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff.” Next time you hear about a strange historic coincidence, don’t brush it off so easily. Time is weird. Maybe your perception just needs a little warping.

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VO LU N T R

Ontarion Book Review: Unrest by Gwen Tuinman

A historical fiction filled with secrets, survival and transformation that will keep you aching to turn the page

ALYSSA

In the dimly lit streets of Bytown 1836, where squalor and corruption grip the city that would one day become Ottawa, Gwen Tuinman weaves a tale of intrigue, love, and resilience in her latest novel, Unrest. Set against a lawless landscape filled with dark secrets and simmering tension, Tuinman introduces readers to a cast of unforgettable characters.

Mariah, a quiet and scarred woman, finds herself entangled in a web of familial duty and unrequited love– set between her sister Biddy and Biddy's husband Seamus –as she yearns for a sense of belonging in a world that sees her as little more than a burden. Meanwhile, her son Thomas, who is unaware of his real birth parents, navigates the treacherous paths of a rapidly changing society, where alliances are forged and broken with the turn of a blade. As danger looms on the horizon, Mariah and Thomas must confront their deepest fears and make choices that will alter the course of their lives forever.

Tuinman strays away from creating one-dimensional characters by weaving together complex emotions that depict the gritty and authentic challenges we encounter in our day-to-day lives. Furthermore, Tuinman develops characters

across to us in life as being difficult have a story. And most people are not purely evil, they are just doing the best they can with what they have been given but their best doesn’t always help us. And I find it interesting to have a character who is very difficult and then to slowly peel back the layers and show their human-ness.”

She added, “Although we can have ill feelings and become frustrated with Biddy, there is that peeling away of layers that allows part of us to understand her actions. It’s very neat and tidy for us readers when we can have one absolute feeling toward a character but when they become complex and have those layers it confuses our feelings and understandings of the book.”

Although Unrest is categorized as historical fiction, it is also a story that beautifully encaptures the raw bond between two sisters and the complexities of family relationships. Tuinman demonstrates how in so many family interactions, sometimes you have to bite your tongue, and generally the person holding back for the better good is the mother, the sister, or the aunt.

“There is a lot of female rage in this story, and although Mariah doesn’t realize it herself as being angry, the reader can realize it,” Tuinman said. “She is always tampering down those feelings of frustration and when turned inward on herself, it's very harmful. But when turned outward in a fruitful manner, then it can be used to advance an individual woman.”

Mariah’s journey through Unrest is a tale to remember, one that demonstrates how we can shed the stories that people label upon us and stop accepting them as truth.

“Mariah reminds us that although we are shaped by our life experiences, we shouldn’t be defined by them,” Tuinman said. “Because if we are defined by them–particularly if it was a traumatizing event as so many women experience–then we are letting fear rule us, and if we are letting fear rule us, then we are repeatedly victimized by that event. It is compelling that Mariah is able to move past that, she peeled it away and discovered who she truly is, who she wants to be and then she moved in that direction.”

The inspiration for Unrest stems from Tuinman’s discovery about her fourth Great grandparents' harrowing experience of their shanty burning down in Bytown. Tuinman revealed that when her grandmother was very ill and took a bad turn in the middle of the night, her grandfather drew some whiskey on her lips and said, “Martha, my darling, don't leave me.”

“That captured me and I started wondering to myself what life must have been like. What did they experience when they were there?” Tuinman said.

The resilience and hardships faced by her Irish ancestors led Tuinman to research the historical context of that time period. Further research unveiled the Shiners War, an event in Canadian history involving a gang of Irish rebels terrorizing Bytown and the Ottawa Valley. This revelation captivated Tuinman

and added depth to her understanding of the challenges faced by immigrants in the region.

Additionally, a conversation with an acquaintance who participates in living history events at the Pickering Museum village reminded Tuinman of the heavy burden of women's work during the 1830s. The notion of women foregoing marriage to support their families as helpmates, particularly in times of illness or pregnancy, sparked Tuinman's imagination. She began to explore the dynamic between two sisters in such a scenario, contemplating the tensions and complexities that could arise in their relationship.

“Even if you have love for someone, it can still be complex,” Tuinman said.“And particularly if you're living in difficult times, where there's hunger, and there's poverty, and there's uncertainty, and when you're in love with the same man, that's a problem. So, all of those things were turning in my mind and then it's kind of like the story just starts downloading like a Netflix movie. I can hear it, I can see it.”

Unrest promises to captivate readers with its vivid imagery and compelling narrative with timeless truths about love, loss, and the pursuit of redemption. Tuinman hopes her readers can believe that they are the authors of their own lives, they can rewrite their own stories and should dream in possibility.

He shoots, he scores

Get to know current University of Guelph Men's hockey player Jaxon Camp

Jaxon Camp began skating at the age of just two-years-old when his grandmother got him a pair of skates.

“I just remember never taking them off,” Camp said to The Ontarion.

As a Guelph native, his first experience playing organized hockey would come playing Stanley Stick at the age of four-yearsold, and he would remain in Guelph playing with the junior Gryphons program. When growing up a player he would always look up to was Star defenseman Erik Karlsson

“He's a very offensive-minded player,” Camp said.

Camp would end up getting drafted by the Saginaw Spirit of the OHL in 2015 but would ultimately forgo the OHL in an attempt to pursue education alongside Hockey. Camp’s plan was originally to attend a D1 school in the United States, however, the COVID-19 pandemic put an unfortunate twist on that resulting in him staying in Canada and deciding to return to Guelph to join the University of Guelph.

After switching majors a few times while at the University he finally settled on History as his program while playing for the Gryphons. Camp’s goal was always to play professionally and af-

ter his third year, the idea began to present itself and signed with his agency CKM Sports.

During this current year an increase in minutes allowed Camp to showcase his talents and gain some interest from professional teams.

Speaking on his time at the University of Guelph, Camp said “It's exciting times. Coming through the University of Guelph,

Learning about the Madness of March

A look at this year’s edition of the iconic basketball tourney

OWEN TSIPTSIS

Every March, college basketball's biggest tournament returns.

The men’s tournament has 68 teams while the women’s has 64, and it is split up into four separate brackets decided upon by region. Each team in their respective region is ranked from number 1 down to number 16. The one seed plays the 16 seed, the 2, the 15 and so on. After the winners of the four divisions are decided, they match up in a semi-final format labelled the Final Four.

March Madness comprises the best collegiate players with names such as Steph Curry, Micheal Jordan and Lonzo Ball having graced the court in the past. This year, some players to watch out for include Canadian Zach Edey of

Purdue in the men’s tournament and Caitlin Clark of Iowa in the women’s tournament. Edey led the nation in scoring this past year averaging 24.6 points as he steered the Purdue Boilermakers to the top seed in the Midwest division, and at time of writing, they are in the Sweet 16 with a game on March 29 against number 5 ranked Gonzaga.

There are some notable flaws to his game, mainly his lack of a three-point shot, and his lack of athleticism. However, the 7'4" centre has many accolades including having won the national player of the year last season which has seen his draft stock rise tremendously with mock drafts having him as high as 13th overall.

On the women’s side of the

tournament, Caitlin Clark is garnering the most hype in a prospect in women’s basketball ever. The star point guard is averaging an insane 31.8 points and 8.9 assists as she leads the NCAAW in both categories. This year, she broke the record for the most points of any collegiate basketball player passing NBA hall of famer Pete Mracvich’s record of 3667 points that he amassed in his three years at LSU. Clark is a consensus first-overall pick in this year's WNBA draft, however before that she must focus on the tournament where they have a game against 8-seeded West Virginia on March 25. The men's bracket championship date will be April 8, and the women's will take place on April 7.

being able to complete my studies while doing something that I have dreamed of doing since I was a little kid putting the skates on.”

After four years at the University and with only 2 courses left to finish his degree Camp has decided that this is the time to move on from the University and look to the future. Having played professional games this year with the Fort Wayne Komets

of the ECHL the path is open to be invited to other professional camps.

Camp said one of his favourite memories of Guelph is the Frosty Mug Games

“That's an unbelievable experience,” he said. “Being able to get a win in front of a sellout crowd was special and going in knowing it was gonna be my last frosty mug was definitely special.”

Diving into underwater hockey on campus

Guelph's underwater hockey team makes a splash on the sports scene with their unique blend of skill, strategy, and camaraderie

The University of Guelph has its very own Underwater Hockey Team. This distinctive, limited-contact sport involves two teams diving and maneuvering across the swimming pool floor, trying to score on the opposing team's goal.

The team’s Vice Presidents Lauren Mitchell and Daniella Farara are in their 3rd and 2nd year on the team, respectively. While Mitchell found the club by chance, Farara joined to follow in her Mother’s footsteps who played for the Underwater Hockey Team when she attended the University of Guelph.

The game has not only been in Guelph for over 40 years, but has also been a sport since the 1950’s. It was invented by the British Navy to train divers and was originally called “Octopush.”

The game is six-on-six players. The players have to learn how to cycle with each other so that half the team is always at the bottom following the puck.

“It's important to have a good team, understand each other and know your position,” said Farara.

The gear includes fins, a protective glove, a short hockey stick, a cap with protection for the ears, a mask and a snorkel with mouth

Both teams start on each side of the wall at the beginning. When the referee calls go, you race for a faceoff for the puck in the middle. The whole team moves up together towards the goal, which is a large metal trough. The puck weighs about three pounds and there is no goalie.

This year there are 18 people on the team, including many marine biology, and zoology students as well as ex-swimmers and lifeguards. However all levels of experience are welcome and most people that do join have never heard about the sport.

“All you need is a bathing suit and a towel,” said Mitchell. “There’s no commitment. If you come out once and never come back, then at least you had a new experience and a fun story to tell your friends.”

The team meets for an hour practice twice a week. During the first half hour, the team runs through drills and positioning. For the second half, they play a game. These practices are completely drop-in, allowing members to prioritize school when needed. However, most players find the practices a nice and appreciated break from their busy schedules.

On March 23, the team hosted their annual tournament at the university during College Royal. Over 100 players came, with teams from the GTA, Montreal, Michigan, Illinois, Milton, London, Cornwall and Waterloo.

Separated by skill level, the tournaments include teams with a large range of ages.

“The general age is first year University students, but the youngest person could be 11 and the oldest could be 80,” said Mitchell.

The team has fun in and out of the water. They often host theme parties or “dress-up Mondays” where you have to come to practice in a themed costume. They also have a themed banquet each year after their annual tournament. This year’s unique theme was cowboys and aliens.

“As much as it is a fun sport and we love it, I feel like half of it is social. Everyone is very friendly and we have a really great group of people here,” said Mitchell.

To learn more about the Underwater Hockey Team, check out their instagram @guelph_underwaterhockey or their website fitandrec.gryphons.ca/sportsclubs/clubs/underwater-hockey.

Spring into refreshing your space

Get rid of things that you feel overwhelm, clutter, or take over your mind and living space

Decluttering is not a one-sizefits-all practice. It is a deeply personal journey, distinguished by individual needs and goals. Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.

Decluttering is the act of removing items from your space in order to create a more pleasant environment. This practice encourages clarity in the home providing a sense of freedom and lightness. Getting rid of excess and unused items that weigh you down allows you to appreciate the items you already use.

Depending on the quality of your decluttered items, consider donating, rehoming, or selling your old clothing, décor, kitchenware, and more!

Consider how much you want or need it if you have two or more dislikes of an item. The objects you surround yourself with should not complicate your life.

Items that are expired, spoiled, or cause a reaction should be disposed of. All health and beauty products have an expiry date.

Consider how your unused items can be essential to someone else.

Here is a list of items that you can declutter quickly and guilt-free:

Kitchen

• Expired food/condiments/spices

• Extra reusable shopping bags

• Unused/single use gadgets

• Extra pots/pans/utensils

Closet

• Clothes that you haven’t worn in six months

• Unworn trendy impulse purchases

• Uncomfortable clothing

• Clothes that make you feel like your body must change before you wear them

• Undergarments with rips/ holes (that you don’t urgently want to mend)

Bathroom

Take everything out of your bathroom cabinets. Declutter as you put things away.

• Unused/opened free samples

• Expired medicines

• Empty cleaning products

• Empty hair products

• Anything that is broken

• Anything that is expired

• Excess/unused hair accessories

• Uncomfortable hair accessories

• Products you don’t like the smell/texture of

Around the home

• Books that won’t be read again

• Old phones/devices

• Random cords (and duplicates)

• Things with unenjoyable/tedious maintenance

• -hings that you could rent or borrow

• Things that require you to buy more things

• Things that have already served its purpose

Decluttering methods:

• Sort through different areas of your space, one at a time. Sort items into three piles: keep, donate/rehome, garbage.

• Consider turning all your hangers around, when you wear a piece, put it away with the hanger the correct way. At the end of set time (ex. 6 months, 9 months, one year), anything with a backwards hanger is ready to go.

BOARD

Do you like...

Then you might be just the person we’re looking for!

• 12 – 12 – 12: Locate 12 items for each category: Donate, Toss, Put in proper home

• The 20/20 Rule: get rid of just in case items if it can be replaced for less than $20, in less than 20 minutes.

• At the start of a month, collect the same number of items for each day. (ie. 1 on day 1, 10 on day 10, etc.)

• The 90/90 Rule: ask yourself have you used it in the last 90 days? If not, will you use it in the next 90 days? If not, pass it along.

• Find a box or garbage bag, make it your goal to fill it by the end of a set time. Donate it.

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The Ontarion’s guide to the 2024 Eclipse

Shedding some light on the upcoming solar eclipse

On April 8, a total eclipse will take place in southern Ontario. The Ontarion spoke with The Great Orbax, a science communicator at the University of Guelph about the historic solar event.

Orbax works in collaboration with Guelph Physics to create educational videos that encourage people to pay attention to what is happening in the sky above us. Each month the team creates a stargazing guide for people who are interested in astronomy.

Orbax said the videos were inspired by stargazing during COVID and providing others with the opportunity to know what was happening in the space around planet earth.

“You always hear somebody say, ‘You see that meteor shower last night or did you see that

won't occur again until 2144. PHOTO PROVIDED BY

that once in a lifetime comet that came by last night?’ And I was always like, ‘No I didn't.’ because I had no idea,” Orbax said. “We thought that maybe we could put together something for upcoming things in the next month… It would give people the opportunity to check in and see what they have the potential to see.”

Orbax said he also hoped the videos could spark an interest in trying to understand how the universe works and how physics works in terms of planets, and stars in the cosmos.

Last month, Orbax and Guelph Physics released a series of videos all about the upcoming solar event, which is something he described as, “legitimately a once in a lifetime opportunity to get to see a total eclipse in our region.”

What makes the eclipse total?

“Most of us know that an eclipse occurs when the earth, the moon and the sun line up along a straight line,” Orbax said. “This is called syzygy.”

Orbax explained the difference between a lunar and solar eclipse.

“When the earth happens to be between the sun and the moon, in this configuration we can experience a lunar eclipse,” he said during the video. “But when the moon is between the sun and the earth in this configuration, we can experience a solar eclipse.”

He explained when the shadow blocks out the moon entirely, it is called a total eclipse. He said that the moon is about a quarter of the diameter of the earth. How-

ever, the sun is 400 times the diameter of the moon.

“In an interesting twist, the sun is actually 400 times further away from us than the moon,” Orbax said.

As a result the sun and the moon appear the same size to us on earth, which allows us to experience a total eclipse.

How often does it happen?

“The sun's the biggest thing in the sky, and for a brief moment in time on April 8, it’s going to be blocked out and we're not going to be in a position to see that from this location again for another 120 years,” Orbax told The Ontarion

According to Orbax, the last total solar eclipse in this area was in 1925 and the next total eclipse will happen in 2144.

1925 was the year F. Scott

Fitzgerald released The Great Gatsby. It was also the year that the Charleston was the popular style of dance, Ben-Hur: A tale of Christ was one of the biggest movies and automobile giant, Chrysler, was born.

Orbax said totality cuts its way through eastern Ontario and eastern Canada for the first time since 1925, but not everywhere in eastern Ontario will get a total solar eclipse.

He explained that the further you get away from the path totality, you will see less totality and more partiality.

Will it be a total eclipse in Guelph?

Orbax said that although we had a large solar eclipse event in 2017, it wasn’t a total eclipse but a partial one.

“Guelph experienced a fairly impressive solar eclipse with 77 per cent totality,” he explained. “While a partial solar eclipse happened

here, a total eclipse occurred in the middle of the United States.”

This April in Guelph it will be a 99 per cent eclipse, which means Guelph will not reach totality.

However for eclipse enthusiasts in the Royal City, it won’t be hard to travel to an area that will achieve eclipse totality.

“It’s only a 160 km wide, but the path stretches from Mexico, into the United States, and cuts into Canada starting in Leamington Ontario, travelling up the cost of Lake Erie through Hamilton and Niagara Falls, and continuing up Lake Ontario all the way to Kingston,” Orbax said.

Places a short drive away, like Niagara, will be able to see the total solar eclipse. Niagara Falls is expected to get crowds as big as 1 million people for the event. “If you’re in totality, all of the light from the sun is blocked by the moon and only the outermost edge of the sun’s atmosphere, called the corona, is visible,” Orbax said.

How can you watch the eclipse?

There are a couple of different ways to watch the eclipse safely and view the corona.

“People always tell you not to stare at an eclipse, and I’m often asked why that is,” Orbax said in his video. “The answer is quite simple and it’s this: don’t stare at the sun.”

Orbax suggested purchasing glasses through eclipse.aas.org/ eye-safety/viewers-filters. These special glasses will be marked with the ISO 12312-2 International Safety Standard for you to know if they have been approved for safety.

However, you may not be able to get your hands on eclipse glasses as they sell out quite quickly. Luckily, there are ways to look at

the eclipse using household items without injuring your eyes.

One of the ways you can see an eclipse is by using a colander, or strainer, and holding it in the sunlight while looking at the shadows it casts.

However, making a pinhole projector is another option for those looking to view the eclipse.

“It's a thin layer of foil on a polymer sheet that basically cuts down the intensity of the sun's rays, to a point where all you can see is just the faintest amount of light coming through,” Orbax said.

He also said in the Guelph Physics video that you can achieve the same effect from looking at the shadows of trees, as they often create pinhole shadows in their leaves.

Steps for making a pinhole projector from NASA:

You will need:

• 2 pieces of white card stock paper

• Aluminum foil

• Tape Steps:

• Cut a 1-inch to 2-inch square or rectangular hole in the middle of one of the pieces of cardstock.

• Tape a piece of aluminum foil over the hole.

• Flip over your paper and use your pin, paper clip, or pencil to poke a small hole in the aluminum foil.

• Place your second piece of cardstock on the ground and hold the piece with aluminum foil above it (foil facing up). Stand with the Sun behind you and view the projected image on the card stock below! The farther away you hold your camera, the bigger your projected image will be.

• For extra fun, try poking

multiple holes in your foil to make shapes, patterns, and other designs. Each hole you create will turn into its own projection of the Sun, making for some neat effects.

What can I do if it's cloudy?

In case it gets cloudy on eclipse day and you are unable to see the actual event, there are some things you can do to still observe the eclipse.

According to the American

Ontarion

Eclipse Playlist

2.

1.

Astronomical Society, you will notice several things, such as the temperature getting cooler, the sky darkening and a glow on the horizon for areas not in complete totality.

One of the major things that occurs is that wildlife will start acting like it is night outside. Birds will begin their nightly routines and in some cases, nocturnal animals will come out. The behaviour of animals during eclipses is still being studied, but there have been some odd cases of eclipse be-

haviour. For example, seven years ago during an eclipse, galapagos tortoises at the Riverbanks Zoo in South Carolina, all started mating during the eclipse. You may also notice a lack of noise from animals, but an increase in noise from disappointed eclipse watchers around you.

How can I watch the eclipse at U of G?

During the April 8 eclipse, the University of Guelph will be

holding a special event for daytime stargazers.

From 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., the University will be holding a safe viewing experience on Johnston Green. Members of the Guelph physics team will be there to answer questions you may have about the eclipse.

“We’ll also be hosting groups in the observatory,” Orbax said. Interested groups can email physugra@uoguelph.ca and include contact information, as well as group size, to get their time slot.

Eclipse terminology from NASA

CORONA - The upper atmosphere of the Sun. It appears as a halo around the Sun during a total solar eclipse.

DIAMOND RING - The effect seen in the few seconds just before and after totality of a total solar eclipse when there is a single point of sunlight brilliantly shining through a valley on the limb of the Moon.

PATH OF TOTALITY - The path (up to about 270 km or 168 miles wide) that the Moon’s shadow traces on Earth during a total solar eclipse.

TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE - A solar eclipse seen from within the Moon’s umbra. The Moon appears to completely block the Sun’s photosphere.

TOTALITY - The period during a solar eclipse when the Sun’s photosphere is completely covered by the Moon and the period for a lunar eclipse when the Moon is in the complete shadow of Earth.

A personal experience with living in the moment

If you feel like the world around you is moving too fast, take action to slow your world down

Ihave always felt like I am in a rush – as though everything I do has to be quick and in the most efficient way. With the speed of the digital world today, I have felt overwhelmed and have questioned the pace of my own life, like I wasn’t moving fast enough. I started to wonder why we have to move fast at all, and I noticed that I can’t function at top speed all the time. I felt so used to moving quickly that the idea of actively trying to slow down aspects of my life was intimidating. I found comfort in the concept of living slowly in a world of hustle culture.

At first, I confused slowing down with doing less, instead, it is about being present and intentional. Slowing down requires approaching daily tasks with conscious intention – you must be aware of your thought processes, and how you mentally respond and talk yourself through activities. Only after thoughtful reflection on where I tend to move fast and can move slow, I began to regain a feeling of control of my life.

Here are some of the practices that help me slow down:

Give myself time

Sometimes in order to slow down, I have to give myself more time. My speed walk to campus takes about 20 minutes. By the time I arrive, I am a little sweaty, slightly out of breath, and feeling frazzled. I don’t feel ready for the day because I am in a state of stress. This overwhelms me.

On a random Tuesday, I decided to give myself more time. The walk was 20 minutes, so I left 45 minutes earlier than normal.

When I plan and give myself more time, I allow myself to move slowly. My steps are more thoughtful, and can take my time to watch a worm cross the sidewalk or watch squirrels play tag. Slowing my walk down allows me to see the world around me without fear of being late – or sweaty.

Listen to the way my body moves

This is an exercise in listening to your body. I like yoga and squash. However, this process can apply to any type of physical movement.

Pick a physical activity that you already do, (ie. Walking, yoga,

skating, etc.) While performing the activity, actively pay attention to how your body moves. How your muscles feel, and the rotation of your joints. The stretch of your body. Notice what movements feel strenuous and which movements feel reliving. Once you notice these things, move slowly, engaging each muscle relevant to the move.

I recently tried intuitive stretching and yoga. My definition would be to move how your body tells you to move. This goal is to listen to your body and remain conscious of how your body is moving and how it wants to move next. Move in positions your body responds well to. Sit in one spot for three minutes or another for three seconds. The whole point is to stretch and move in a way that feels naturally satisfying to you.

Explore food

I am guilty of leaving the table before I am finished eating and eating my meals quickly. I always have to remind myself to finish chewing my final bite, savouring the last moments of flavour before getting up to clean. When I remind myself to eat slowly it feels silly, slowing down the speed of chewing/eating allows me to spend time being grateful for each bite.

Try it, chew slowly. Sit with each flavour and texture. Pay attention to how your salivary glands respond to each bite. Let each flavour work its way into your memory. Enjoy the process of eating your food. This is crucial if you make the meal yourself. Spend time enjoying what you create.

Thank my feet (and my body)

When I arrive home the first thing I do is kick my shoes off and then the next time I try to put my shoes on I perform a wiggly stanky-leg that crushes the ankle support of my shoes. When I remember, I try to take the extra time to make things easier for my future self and untie the laces before I take them off (sometimes I loosen the laces to treat myself). So, the next time I put them on I can do so with ease. Take care of your things, take care of your feet.

On a similar note, if you are able, before bed, wash your feet, in whatever way works for you (ie.

Washcloth in the sink/bath). Gently pat them dry. Take five minutes to moisturize your feet, they carry the weight of your body all day long and allow you to move freely. Treat them with love. This applies to all parts of the body. Slow down and thank your body, take care of your skin by moisturizing it daily too.

Consider the excess

After years of being unable to get rid of things, I realized having an excess of things contributes to my sense of stress and rush. I noticed how much of my stuff I don’t use and having so much stuff hindered my ability to truly appreciate the things that I do use.

In actively participating in the high-speed consumer culture of today, I was contributing to my world feeling fast. Social media tells us we need three of everything and we need them now. We have become accustomed to the speed of same-day deliveries. I ask myself, and I ask you, why does life need to be this fast? How does this quick pace make you feel? How many things do you and I need that quickly?

Make time to explore your collection of things, keep what brings you joy and what you consider necessities, and rehome what doesn’t. Slow down and appreciate what you have before considering buying the next new thing.

Slowing down isn’t a onesize-fits-all approach – it is entirely personal as it relies on the intentional feelings behind our actions. While we cannot change the things that are happening around us, we can control how we internalize and react to them. Slowing down forces you to sit and consider these feelings and then gives you the space to contemplate how you can make changes to the speed of your world.

Slowing down forces me to be present in the moment. I must be present to explore the flavors of food or the unmarked paths of the backcountry. A cup of tea is only more delicious after you’ve already noticed how delicious it is. Slow down and set aside time to enjoy the simple pleasures of your life. In whatever brings you joy, actively reflect on the joy it brings you.

A mission to grow plants in space

Exploring controlled environment agriculture

Many different images may come to mind when one hears the term “space agriculture”, but a trip to Dr. Thomas Graham’s lab brings these images to life. Dr. Graham’s research is focused on controlled environment agriculture (CEA), which is a term used to describe the process of growing plants in strictly controlled environments, such as greenhouses and vertical farms, to improve horticultural practices and efficiency.

These controlled environments involve a variety of factors such as light, water, carbon dioxide, nutrients, and temperature. However, one setting that is far more difficult to control than a greenhouse, is space.

One of the many research projects taking place in the Controlled Environment Systems Research Facility (CESRF), is the development of spaceflight-compatible crops, or space farming, which is working to create CEA systems for use on the moon, Mars, and beyond. These systems would have to support life in the harshest conditions imaginable,

factoring in new challenges, such as changes in atmospheric pressure, gravity, and radiation.

However, the challenges don't end here. There are space and cost limitations to consider in any space mission, so taking all of the supplies required to grow plants will only work if the system can sustain itself without the need for extra supplies brought from earth. Therefore, creating a self-sufficient system is a major component of this research.

Since these flights have limited space, there is no room for wasted materials such as the water used to grow the plants, as well as the plants themselves. For example, when growing strawberries, much of the plant is non-edible, or “waste” upon harvest. However, when valuable resources are used to grow a plant in space, every part counts.

This is another area of focus in space agriculture research, where resources — a better term than waste according to Dr. Graham — need to be utilized in every way possible.

This can include composting or incinerating the scraps to generate heat and CO2, while recovering mineral nutrients.

Another challenge with space agriculture is maintaining the cleanliness of the water used to grow the plants, as typical chemical treatments would be problematic in space. The lab is actively involved in overcoming this challenge by examining a variety of water treatment technologies that do not result in accumulation of chemicals or reaction products in CEA systems. To this end, Dr. Graham’s team has been developing patented technologies to address this gap. Among a list of factors, space agriculture needs to be efficient, cost effective, and self-sufficient, providing all the materials necessary for continued growth and regeneration, for the full duration of a space mission… which is no small feat.

So why focus so much energy and research on growing plants in space when there are several agricultural challenges here on earth? Dr. Graham explains that the research being done for space-compatible agriculture has a direct impact on agricultural practices on earth, particularly in places such as the arctic, where the conditions are very harsh.

One example is addressing issues like food insecurity in Canada's northern and remote communities, which can utilize the technological developments that are driven by the really tough requirements of space. All of the discoveries that push space agriculture forward have a direct application on CEA systems on earth.

These advancements can also be applied to the opposite end of the spectrum, in extremely hot and dry desert-like climates, which have been explored in collaboration with researchers in Kuwait. Technologies that work in harsh environments can be utilized in situations where the weather may be unpredictable, or remove the need for reliable weather conditions altogether.

Dr. Graham explains that if you can grow a plant on the moon, you can truly grow it anywhere! A team of student scientists at U of G are getting one step closer to this goal, as they take part in the Canadian Space Agency’s Deep Space Food Challenge. The U of G GOOSE team (which stands for Growth Options for Outer Space Environments), has received $100,000 in funding to create a full-scale food production system capable of sustaining space missions and are competing to win an additional $300,000. Although Dr.

Graham is not affiliated with the competition, the GOOSE project builds on decades of CEA research conducted at U of G. A statement from Dr. Graham reads that he "maintained a strict distance from the project due to [his] role as co-chair of the selection jury. Further, [he] recursed [himself] from any discussion of the GOOSE project during jury deliberations and [he] was not involved in any aspect of the U of G submission, or concept"

Technological advancements used in space agriculture are directly transferable to earth, and make greenhouses and other CEA systems better, but the same is true in reverse. The research being done to dev elop advanced terrestrial systems further advances space applications, creating a positive link between the research projects taking place in the lab.

It is important to keep in mind that the goal of this research is not to take agriculture to space in an attempt to replace earth, but rather to work together in ways that benefit both earth, and space exploration. Fun fact: NASA estimates that for every dollar spent on space exploration, there is a return of more than eight dollars to the economy, emphasizing the idea that research initiatives focused on space will benefit earth in a variety of ways.

With advancements in space-compatible CEA, growing a plant on the moon may be a possibility in the next few years, enabling researchers to further enhance and improve CEA systems on earth. But beyond this, the research satisfies the basic human need for exploration, and that is what research is about after all.

Breaking the silence: Our fight against tuberculosis

Why we need to do more when it comes to tuberculosis

With the COVID-19 pandemic behind us, it is easy to ignore the suffering still present in the world due to long-standing infectious diseases, such as tuberculosis (TB). TB remains a significant challenge, affecting millions and causing over 1.3 million deaths annually. This alarming toll underscores the urgent need for global collective action.

TB isn't just a problem in distant land, it's a pressing issue right here in Canada. Marginalized and vulnerable populations like Indigenous communities, newcomers and the homeless suffer more from TB and are at a higher risk of dying from it. By shedding light on both the local and global impact of TB, we can mobilize collective action against this deadly disease.

Despite significant progress in TB prevention and treatment, the COVID-19 pandemic has exacerbated the TB crisis, presenting unparalleled challenges to TB control efforts globally. Lockdowns, interrupted health services, and redirected resources have severely disturbed TB diagnosis, treatment, and prevention efforts, leading to setbacks against this ancient disease.

While the impact of the pandemic on TB control efforts is undeniable, there are also stories of resilience and innovation arising in tough times. Globally,

effective interventions and programs are highlighting that TB is indeed preventable and treatable.

For example, community-based TB initiatives and healthcare services have proven successful in reaching underserved populations and improving treatment. Additionally, new, shorter treatment regimens are now available, lessening the burden for people affected by TB and increasing treatment adherence. By highlighting these success stories and innovative approaches, we can encourage support for ongoing investments in TB control efforts.

Canada isn't immune to these challenges either. Our TB programs face exceptional hurdles due to the pandemic, demanding urgent action. According to a recent report by Stop TB Canada, the impact of COVID-19 on TB programs in Canada has been substantial. This report provides insights into the specific challenges faced by TB programs in Canada amidst the pandemic, emphasizing the urgent need for continued attention and resources to address these issues effectively.

In the ongoing battle against TB, every action counts. It is crucial to raise awareness, advocate for action, and stand in solidarity with those affected. Prioritizing TB testing, diagnosis, and treatment services is crucial, especially in communities where TB occurrence is high. Additionally, investing in research and development and advocating for policy change are necessary steps in speeding up the progress towards ending TB. By supporting initiatives like the #YesWeCanEndTB campaign, we can increase our collective efforts to eliminate TB as a public health threat.

COLLEGE ROYAL 100TH PHOTOS

BECAUSE WE ASKED...

What are you looking forward to this spring?

Laura Phipps 4th-year, Psychology & Ava Dineen 4th-year, Mathematical Science

Sheril Naeem 4th year, BioMed

“I’m going to England, it’s kind of in June, but there’ll be planning throughout.”

Rebecca Skelhorn Wellness Educator and part-time Masters student in Public Health

Andrew Marumoto 2nd year, Landscape Architecture

Matt Lamm 1st year, Landscape Architecture

THE ONTARION'S CLUB OF THE MONTH

Club Name: Gryphon Ryders

Club Since: Accredited since W24, club since F23

Club Mission: Our mission is to unite University of Guelph students who share a love for motorcycles, enhancing their campus experience while fostering positive social impact in the broader community. We aim to demystify riding, promote safety, and combat motorcycling stigma.

Fun Fact: You don't have to currently ride or own a motorcycle to join and participate in events! How can others get involved: Join us on Gryphlife or message us on Instagram!

If you want to be the next club of the month, email tpipe@theontarion.com

PETS OF THE MONTH

MEET BUMPEE!

Breed: Domestic Shorthair

Photo: Juilee Raje

Age: 4

Fun Fact: Bumpee knows more tricks than a circus clown

MEET FOX!

Breed: Syrian Hamster

Photo: Gray Heltcher

Age: 1.5

Fun Fact: Fox only has three legs

WANT TO

Email tpipe@theontarion.com

MEET GRIFFIN!

Breed: Cat

Photo: Isaiah Dowling

Age: 6

Fun Fact: He likes holding hands

MEET CARAMEL & EARL!

Breed: Rex and mix

Photo: Alison Dasiewicz

Age: 5

Fun Fact: They can spin in a circle on command

YOUR PET TO BE FEATURED?

MON APRIL 1

Study Sessions with the

of Guelph Disability Community

• 5:30 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

• Online

the UGDC for a group study session

• uoguelph.ca/ event/257690

TUES APRIL 2

Motorcycle Safety & Awareness Showcase

11:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.

UC Courtyard

• Learn about motorcycle culture and safety

Easter Bake Sale

12:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.

UC Courtyard

• Enjoy delicious homemade treats from the Malayalee Student Association

History Society Book

Auction

• 6:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m.

The Bullring

The History Society will be auctioning off books donated by the history department

APRIL TO-DO LIST

TUES APRIL 2

Improv Showcase

7:30 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.

• UC

• Check out all of the hard work the Improv Club has put into learning the art of improvisation

WED APRIL 3

Managing Low Appetite

• 2:30 p.m. - 3:20 p.m.

JTP Rm 2259

• Learn about how stress and anxiety may cause low appetite

Gain strategies on managing low appetite

After The Last Toast

7:30 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.

• The Brass Taps

• For all graduating students

Come on out to the graduation semi-formal event of the year

Dance the night away, reminisce with friends, and toast to the Class of 2024

Tickets will be sold $5 per person until April 3 at the CSA Front Office (UC 274)

WED APRIL 3

End of Year Celebration

• 10:30 a.m. - 2:30 p.m.

Branion Plaza Participate in games and fun activities

• Food and UofG swag will be provided for the first 3,000 students

• You must bring your Student Card

FRI APRIL 5

Live Art Sale

12:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.

• UC Courtyard

Heart with Art will be selling all of their art created throughout the past year

LGBTQ2IA+ Community Building Social

• 5:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m.

• UC Rm 442 Hang out, play games, and connect with others in a low pressure environment

• Quiet activities will also be provided for those who don’t want to engage in social activities

FRI APRIL 5

Animal Boy Performance at The Bullring

7:30 p.m. - 11:30 p.m.

Local legends Animal Boy will be joined by Habit and PRRR for a rocking performance

This show is Pay-WhatYou-Can (food and cash accepted) with all proceeds going to the CSA Foodbank

SAT APRIL 6

2nd Annual John Licari Charity Concert in Support of SickKids Foundation

• 7:00 p.m.

River Run Centre

Tickets: riverrun.ca

MON APRIL 8

Solar Eclipse Viewing Event

• 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.

• Johnson Green Members of the Guelph physics team will be there to answer questions you may have about the eclipse

FRI APRIL 12

The Body Project

• Friday, April 12 and Tuesday, April 16 at 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.

• Online

• Participants must attend both sessions (those who do will be rewarded a $15 President’s Choice gift card) The Body Project aims to promote positive body image, reduce body shaming, and encourage self-acceptance

• Be empowered and learn to love your body just a little bit more

THURS APRIL 18

International Student Career Connections:

Professionalism in the Workplace

5:30 p.m. - 6:30 p.m.

• Online

• Receive tips on maintaining professionalism and confidence in diverse workplace settings Participate in an interactive Q&A to address any concerns regarding the world of work

1–Eyelid irritation

5–Jazzy Fitzgerald

9–Convocation of witches

14–Bedouin

15–Large cat

16–Cleanse

17–Add fizz to 19–Girder

20–Curved bone

21–Liquid measure

22–Row

23–Making amends

25–Insult

26–"West Side Story" Oscar winner

27–Automobile transmission

30–Uneven, as if gnawed away

31–Advil rival

32–Relative of an ostrich

34–Entre

35–Copycats

36–Prejudice

37–Pull

38–Orgs.

39–Light wood

40–Abbreviate

42– ___-de-sac

FROM ISSUE 196.3

43–Manipulates

44–Pals

48–"See ya!"

50–Back part of the foot

51–Altar constellation

52–Heathen

53–Horny growth

55–Last Greek letter

56–Fast time

57–Chums

58–Stand used by painters

59–Gds.

60–Comrade in arms

Down

1–The Eucharist

2–Treacherous 3–Hand in bridge 4–Recede

5–Pacific weather phenomenon 6–Either of two Chinese dynasties

7–Trent of the Senate

8–"Wheel of Fortune" buy 9–Connoisseur

10–District adjacent to a city

11–Songwriter Jacques

12–I've Got ___ in Kalamazoo

13–Pro ___

18–Express a viewpoint

22–Poles, e.g.

24–Capone nemesis

25–Prophets

27–First American to orbit Earth

28–Trompe l'___

29–December day, briefly

31–Church recesses

33–Mex. neighbor

35–Fall flower

36–Bundle

38–Weapons supply

39–Constructed

41–Power problem

42–Bring into being

44–Plants with fronds

45–Like Fran Drescher's voice

46–Hand tool

47–Impudent

48–Buddhist monk

49–Matures, as wine

50–Pay attention to

52–"The Bel Is" poet

53–Dutch carrier

54– ___-Locka, FL

BOB'S DOGS CROSSWORD CONTEST

For your chance to win two Bobs dog’s and two pops, just complete the crossword, snap a picture, and send it to puzzles@theontarion.com by April 18 at 3 p.m. Winners are announced in each issue and can arrange a pickup of their voucher by emailing the same address.

Last issue’s winning puzzle was submitted by McKinley Harvey!

With record-high temperatures throughout this February and March, people are putting away their winter coats and complaining about climate change. Common remarks include, “It’s unnatural for it to be this warm in winter,” “Global warming is progressing too fast,” “Save the polar bears,” and whatnot.

I guess you could care about global warming. It’s sort of sad that this will ruin natural cycles for plants and animals, that the world is slowly getting hotter, that wildfires roar, ocean levels rise, droughts dry up the earth, and we might be in danger, or whatever. But have you considered that climate change could be

Don’t be cold-hearted: here are five reasons climate change is actually amazing

Ignore the polar bears, you can finally go tanning in February!

beneficial? Here are five reasons why you should celebrate this warmer weather.

1. Houseflies are back and they’re friendlier than ever. Just last week, I was home alone, feeling lonely, until I heard the familiar buzz, buzz, buzz of five houseflies under my living room curtain. It was like a marvelous mariachi band reminding me I’m not alone in this world. I had little annoying creatures there to serenade me, no longer blocked out by the barrage of the cold.

2. Feel grounded by walking barefoot on the grass in February. Yes, the ground is drier than ever, but does that

even matter? You can feel the benefits of nature, trek dirt through your house, even walk on all fours through the pale yellow grass like your favourite animal. What better way to understand animals than to pretend to be one?

3. Try something new. Have you ever snowboarded down snowless mountains, or ice skated without ice? With warmer weather comes new, innovative ways to try your favourite winter sports. If you’re sad you can’t snowboard, just roll down the hill. This is a time-old way to “snowboard” through all four seasons. And as for

ice-skating – does anyone actually prefer skating to swimming? Hop right into the water, skates and all!

4. No need to vacation to warmer places. Your favourite vacation destinations will be pain-stakingly hot anyways, so instead of SoCal, enjoy the warmth of Southern Ontario. We have gorgeous natural attractions nearby, like the clear, blue, super-swimmable Lake Ontario and the exotic species of cows and horses at the OVC. All you need to do is imagine some palm trees up in the arboretum. There’s so many rare species in there anyways –who cares about palm trees?

5. Get a tan. Now, sun-damage is year round. Forget the snow, you can turn lobster red this spring. Instead of buying a summer foundation and a winter foundation, you only need one shade of makeup for the whole year.

So, next time you hear complaining about the warmer weather, I strongly recommend celebrating. Feel the sun on your skin, the breeze in your hair, the carbon emissions in the gray sky, the bright orange of the wildfire smoke in months to come. It’s only human nature for the rich and powerful to ruin actual nature. You might as well have some fun while they’re at it!

Looking to work this summer?

Here are a few ways to stand out so you can land your dream minimum wage job

So, you just finished doom-scrolling through Indeed and finally found one job posting that you’re qualified to apply for. You immediately apply and then quickly notice, “around 500 people have applied on Indeed'' below your application status. Normally, this would make anyone feel defeated, but don’t worry! The Contrarion staff has your back and has come up with a few full-proof methods to get you to stand out against any other applicants.

Tailor your job application

You have probably heard of this tip before and assume that you should tailor your application to the job posting and role. However, who is really screening these job applications? With the rise of companies using artificial intelligence (AI) to screen cover letters and resumes, your best chance at getting through the screening process is to tailor your application to the real boss, AI. Instead of customizing your cover letter

to what you think the company you’re applying to likes, customize it to what AI likes.

In an exclusive interview with The Contrarion, when asked “what do you like?” ChatGPT responded with, “I like engaging conversations, learning new things, and helping people out.

I'm also fond of creativity, problem-solving, and exploring the intricacies of language and culture.”

And just like that, your new cover letter has practically written itself!

Apply and show off your skills in person

There’s no better way to show a potential employer how you would do on the job than by actually showing them. Get behind the counter and start taking orders, or checking people out at the register, or even answering phone calls. They will love your passion, drive, and initiative taking nature. This will show them that you’re a real go-getter and that nothing

can stop you from getting the job done.

Dress to impress

So, you’ve been lucky enough to be selected to recite your cover letter and resume in person, and now it’s time to pick the right outfit for your interview. Dressing to impress means dressing for the job you want. Interviewing for a barista position? Show your commitment to the role by wearing an apron to your interview and bonus points if your apron looks like it has been worn before. Interviewing for a research lab position? Show your passion for safety in the lab by wearing safety goggles and bonus points if they fog up during your interview. Remember, the more that you resemble an employee, the easier it will be for the employer to see you as one.

Make your social media accounts public

You read that correctly, it’s time to switch your Instagram and

U of G STEM highlights of the month

Spells, Technique, Enchantment and Magic at U of G

Great news out of the STEM

field at our fair university this month, fellow university-goers, Professor Seven-Eyes has determined that the location of the dragon nest that has been recently stealing the bricks out of the Mackinnon castle’s highest spire is located underground twenty meters from the edge of campus. Seven-Eyes has determined the dragons avoided detection spells due to the large amount of warding spells woven into the bricks they stole to build their nest. The local Magic Creature and Other Unusual Beings Control has been called, who safely and humanely removed the dragons, relocating them to a preserve near the portal to Hell just west of Toronto. Anyone who misses the scaley thieves may visit them there. Here at the University of Guelph, we always strive to be at the forefront of STEM innova-

tion, which is why the university is pleased to announce plans to open a brand-new Transmogrification wing to be added to the Summerlee Magic Complex next fall. This new wing will specialize in the act of turning one thing into another, including all-new labs and facilities, a state-of-the-art menagerie for all the animals turned from one animal to another, and locks on all exterior doors to prevent another Marshmallow Colossus Incident.

This will allow the Transmogrification professors and researchers to get their own offices and move away from the Hexes and Curses department. One professor who has a lab specializing in curses next to an alchemy lab and who wishes to remain anonymous states - “It’s about time they got their own wing, I’m tired of having all my lead turned to gold. The next alchemist I see with gold gets their lab

TikTok accounts from private to public! Let future employers see your personality shine and what makes you stand out from other applicants. Worried about some of the content you have posted?

Don’t be. If you’ve posted pictures of yourself enjoying a Saturday night out, this shows that you’re an extravert that loves being around people and putting yourself in fast-paced environments. Or maybe you took part in a viral TikTok dance. This highlights your strong hand-eye coordination skills, dedication to learning

new things, and attention to detail. There’s no better way for an employer to get to know you than by looking at your social media accounts you thought they’d never find.

Overall, if you’re looking to get a minimum wage job this summer, you better expect to be putting in maximum effort. The key to landing a job is by standing out in ways no one else will. If you follow the Contrarion’s methods to stand out, I promise that potential employers will definitely notice you. You got this!

robes turned to goo.” The alchemy professors refused to comment, but our reporters noted them shoving a lot of gold, sparkly things into the nearest cupboard and leaning on it real casual-like. The reporter then noted them all sweating profusely and smiling with all their teeth. They then reported that there was nothing suspicious about them at all.

Finally, the Horticulture Club is pleased to announce that they have finally managed to control the outbreak of venus goosetraps and the local goose population can now safely come to the university for their trip back north this spring.

The STEM-related club reported that the rogue spell that allowed the carnivorous plants to sprout everywhere with even an inch of available soil, including some students’ shoes, has been reversed and the instructions burned. So, we shouldn’t

have to deal with any large plants attempting to eat one of Canada’s greatest bird species come springtime, what a relief. The Wildlife protection club has also reported that they are ceasing their plans for a sneak attack of spell-enhanced squirrels with silly string on the Horticulture Club’s base. This has been the STEM Updates of the month, brought to you by the STEM Fellowship club. Here at the club, we are dedicated to making STEM accessible to everyone, not just those in the field. And remember everyone, STEM, of course, stands for Spells, Technique, Enchantments, and Magics!

If you have any news in a STEM-related field, don’t hesitate to send us a messenger raven, our doors (and windows) are always open!

If you are interested in the work of the real STEM Fellowship, you can email them at denver.bubelich@stemfellowship.org.

Donald Trump encouraging Republicans to look directly at eclipse

The former president and current candidate spoke about his eye-opening experience

During a press conference last week, former US President and current presidential candidate, Donald Trump, spoke passionately about his favourite activity, staring directly into a solar eclipse.

“You know, we really have the best solar eclipses in the world right here in America,” said Trump. “You never know true beauty until it’s burned into your cornea.”

During the press conference, Trump compared the beauty of the eclipse to his daughter, Ivanka. Before doing so, he spoke about some of the issues facing the country in 2024.

“You know, I have a real problem with people who stop in

the middle of sidewalks,” Trump said. “Sometimes you just wanna go up to them and ask them why they’re so stupid. I almost wonder if their mothers dropped them on their heads as babies.”

After being reminded that he was supposed to be talking shit about his opponent, Joe Biden, Trump went on a rant about the solar eclipse on April 8.

“I’ve never been so excited to look up into the sky,” Trump said. “Last time I was this excited to look at the sky was when I was waiting for the plane to take me to my dear friend, Jeffrey’s, island. Great guy, Jeffrey… Had the best taste, best airplanes, best cocktail shrimp and best island. But this eclipse… I can’t begin to

tell you the thrill I get when I think of staring that beautiful flat moon down ... tremendous.”

He compared staring at the eclipse to drinking blood from a unicorn.

“It’s a rare occurrence,” he said. “You might never get the opportunity to see another eclipse - or drink unicorn blood… You see, an eclipse is like presidential immunity…”

The former president did not expand on how an eclipse is at all similar to a presidential pardon.

He finished by encouraging all of his supporters to stare directly at the eclipse before and after totality.

“If you look at the eclipse when only NASA tells you then

Contrarion readers disappointed to find out it’s not THAT Taylor’s version

Technically, all issues for the past two years have been Taylor’s version, but that’s not going to stop us

TAYLOR SLOW

Contrarion readers were delighted to find out the latest edition of the satire newspaper was marked with “(Taylor’s Version)”

The excitement quickly turned into a "champagne problem" upon reading that Taylor Swift had absolutely nothing to do with the current issue.

“As a swiftie, I was enchanted to have the opportunity to read Taylor-approved stories. I was so ready for it,” said Rebekah Drew. “I was excited to see what she thinks about U of G… But was very disappointed to find out Taylor is just The Contrarion’s editor-in-chief… So awkward.”

Many readers were wondering who the hell this Taylor thinks she is.

“She can’t just call something Taylor’s Version because it’s her name,” said August McGraw.

But that is exactly what The Contrarion did this issue.

“I’ve been waiting for the right issue to do this with,” said Taylor Pipe, Contrarian editor-in-chief. “It was rare. I thought it was a great joke that would fill a blank space.. I didn’t think the swifties would come after me this hard. I couldn’t just shake it off.”

Pipe alleges that a group of roughly 1989 swifties were following her and screaming lyrics to Swift’s popular song, Bad Blood.

“Those swifties have quite the reputation. I knew they were trouble when they walked in,” she said.

She expanded on her experi-

you are simply wrong and don’t love freedom,” Trump said. “If you look through special glasses to see the eclipse then you are a sad little snowflake. But if you don’t follow rules and believe in freedom and fairness for all wealthy people, look at the eclipse.”

If nothing else, it’ll sure make voting for Trump as dictator hurt a lot less since your eyes will be so wrecked you won’t be able to see the mistake you’re making. But at least you have the help of freedom and free healthcare, right?

ence with the horde of swifties.

“At first I was a little scared but I just told them they need to calm down, they were being too loud,” Pipe said. “After they realized that I, too, am a fan of Mother Taylor, they realized we’re all on the same team.”

Pipe also said that she felt like a lover, not a fighter at that moment.

Upon learning of this interaction, both Drew and McGraw realized they may have been too harsh.

“Just this small act of acknowledgement makes me feel like I was a cardigan under someone’s bed, but then I was put on and told I was their favourite,” said May.

Although Pipe remembers

the still stinging interaction with the swifties all too well, she was able to move forward with The Contrarion and is looking forward to creating the cruel summer issue the following month.

“I just knew I had to be fearless, and that it was the time to speak now,” she said. “After all was said and done, we had a good laugh about it, and we’ve moved on to the next era.”

Mayor Cam Guthrie misunderstands strong mayor powers

The mayor is currently healing from his injuries

TAYLOR PIPE

Have you ever come across an animal stuck in a tree and thought, “I should pull this tree out of the ground to rescue this kitten?”

That’s what Guelph Mayor Cam Guthrie must have been thinking earlier this week when he attempted to rescue a feline friend using his new “strong mayor” powers.

The incident happened in Riverside Park this past Thursday. Guthrie was strolling taking selfies of himself touching grass for his social media followers, when he heard the first meow.

“I knew as soon as I heard the kitty that it would be the most exemplary opportunity to try out the new powers given to me by

my friend, Doug,” Guthrie said through messenger pigeon to The Ontarion. Bystanders said they saw Guthrie approaching the cat doing a “psspspsspsspss,” before grabbing the trunk of the tree with all his might and pulling, which resulted in a serious back injury for the Guelph mayor. The kitten was res-

to half an apple for the crowd, but ultimately gave up due to time constraints and humiliation. He pulled several muscles in his arms and glutes attempting this feat.

Members of the public have also seen Guthrie on many occasions, in Royal City Park, looking for picnic tables to throw around and picking fights with local geese.

Although Guthrie is still healing from his injuries and general shenanigans in the Royal City, he told The Contarion that he’s been beginning training for his debut at the Fergus Scottish Festival and Highland Games this summer.

“I just know I have these powers and need to put them to good use,” he tweeted in response to a peasant doubting him.

Members of Guelph City Council audibly shuddered at the thought of Guthrie in a kilt attempting to throw telephone poles. They also expressed concern for the Mayor’s wellbeing.

“The mayor is losing sight of what is actually important - building a new overpriced library and taking away downtown parking,” said one councillor.

“He tried to pick me up over his head a couple of times just to prove a point,” said another councillor.

The final blow, which led Guthrie to seek medical attention, was when he attempted to move a car that was parked overnight downtown.

“It was the last day that the winter parking rule was in effect,” Guthrie said. “I thought I would do my part.”

“He was flexing so hard that his buttons flew off of his dress shirt and into the street,” said parking enforcement officer, Carson Tesla.

Guthrie said while he was “successfully” moving the car he heard a pop and that’s when he knew he needed to take it easy.

“I just work so hard to be a good mayor, and all anyone ever does is complain about it on X,” Guthrie said without even acknowledging that X was formerly known as Twitter.

While Guthrie finishes recovering after what has clearly been several months of tomfoolery, he will let his pet hamster, JarJar, perform his mayoral duties.

JarJar will continue to provide mayoral support for Guthrie as he prepares for what should be a very interesting Highland Games in Fergus this summer.

cued without injury by a six-yearold who climbed the tree to safely retrieve the kitten.

This isn’t the first time Guthrie has found himself in this position. This past March, Guthrie was seen at the University of Guelph College Royal opening ceremony attempting to rip an old phone book in half. He also attempted

Residents can send their well wishes to City Hall, where they will promptly be shredded and turned into bedding for the incumbent mayor of Guelph. Reports suggest that nobody has considered telling Guthrie that his “strong mayor” powers do not provide him with superhuman strength.

Pierre Poilievre's plan to fix Canada

A comprehensive guide to the Conservative plan to get us back on track

Be angry.

Angrier than that.

Trudeau bad.

Pierre Poilievre convinced electricians are wizards Get a load of this guy!

Federal Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre is in hot poutine gravy after confusing multiple professions in a public forum.

It’s no secret that Poilievre believes that an electrician “captures lightning from the sky and runs it through a copper wire to illuminate this room and light up the world.” But it seems he’s made similar mistakes on multiple occasions and is just genuinely confused about what Canadians who aren’t lifelong career politicians do.

Poilievre has referred to chefs and bakers as chemists and scientists because they “measure out various ingredients and create concoctions that are yummy in my tummy.”

He claimed that measuring cups and bowls were similar to

beakers and that ovens are just “big bunsen burners.”

“I just think it’s neat that they can mix things together in a bowl and it just automatically tastes amazing,” he said. “You can make a cake just by mixing some flour, baking soda, sugar and cocoa… Unprecedented.”

Poilievre also thought that chicken farmers are the ones laying eggs.

“There’s no way they can fit so many chickens in a small barn,” he said. “I am not buying what the farmers are selling… But I actually am because unlike Justin Trudeau, I say that I support local farmers. Do I mean it? You’ll find out once I’m elected.”

On the other hand Poilievre is a strong believer that pharmacists are witches “because they give

Axe the tax.

The Contarion contacted Prime Minister Trudeau to ask what his plan was. In a one sentence reply, Trudeau said "why do people keep asking me that?"

you a small potion that makes you feel better,” and “they just go behind their tiny counter with your piece of paper and come back with medicine… How neat is that!”

Some of the other professions that Poilievre has said leave him in awe are: snake handlers, stuntmen, cashiers, housekeepers, librarians, life coaches, and dog walkers. Geography teachers particularly wow Poilievre because “they just hap-

pen to know where everything is on a map.”

“Like who can actually read a map?” Poilievre asked with a look of shock on his face. “I am astonished at their ability to be confident in telling me where Ottawa is on a map. I had no idea!”

However, the one profession that Poilievre says is truly marvelous and has always fascinated him was accountants.

“I just feel like I was born to be a boring accountant,” he said. “Like, look at my face and tell me I wouldn’t make the best accountant ever. It’s too bad they gave me a makeover, took away my glasses and made me look like sexy Milhouse.”

One can only hope he changes his career and pursues his actual dreams instead of being dumbfounded at the way Canada works.

Air Canada pilots new minimalist program

If it doesn’t spark joy, literally throw it out the window

Travelling is such a hassle.

You’ve got to buy the ticket, look for hotels, pack your bags, and pray the plane doesn’t crash on the way there. But don’t worry – Air Canada’s new program is a one-way route to a stress-less trip. By focusing on a less-is-more mentality, Air Canada plans to eject pilots, suitcases, and even passengers from planes starting summer 2024.

Air Canada has already been under fire for overbooking flights and losing luggage. Instead of dealing with these issues, the company hopes that their newfound minimalist approach will earn them millions of dollars. Their first step is to ensure all pilots are up to par. Starting Apr. 1, 2024, all Air Canada pilots will be asked to work additional hours to race the planes in a loop-de-loop obstacle course (sponsored by Ontario Premier Doug Ford). Staff that does not comply will be ejected from planes at random.

“They’re literally getting fired

from the plane,” said Ford, who divested 68 million dollars from postsecondary education to support this initiative. “Isn’t that hilarious?”

Supporters of this plan argue that more jobs will be created as pilots will be in higher demand than ever. Remaining pilots will be trained to fly planes “super-duper fast.” Plus, this program gives pilots a job to die for.

“Yes, there’s long hours involved,” remarked hiring executive Ova Werked. “People always complained, ‘I don’t want to live to work, I want to work to live.’ Well, now they won’t be living, and I won’t hear complaining.”

Similarly, Air Canada is launching luggage from planes in an attempt to balance their carbon emissions. Since they’ll also be emitting valuable things like clothes, jewelry, and personal belongings, they reason that they’re balancing out the bad by giving the Earth “the good stuff.” Plus, they won’t need to explain why baggage

keeps going missing.

“It’s never been easier for us to lose your shit,” explained an Air Canada rep.

“I’ve lost my mind, that’s for sure,” argued Florida native Freddy Fliar, who voiced his disapproval for this plan after a flight last Friday. While he was distracted in a mile-high tryst, Fliar’s cargo pants were thrown out the plane’s window. He emerged from the bathroom pants-less and “pissed.”

“The whole thing lasted less than two minutes,” he exclaimed. “And after I finished, my pants were gone!”

So, hold on tight to your trousers on your next vacation. Experts recommend keeping your belongings close to your person and packing light.

However, Air Canada officials are also advocating for the right to throw passengers out of the plane doors. This will ensure the plane has no Negative Nancies, annoying toddlers, or people that let the

Fool-proof ways to call in

Here’s how to play hookie, Contrarion style

Are you trying to get out of that big presentation? Maybe you went out last night and drank a little too much and just aren’t feeling it today. Well, look no further than this guide to learn five unique ways you can call in sick for your next shift.

Your pet fish is sick

If people can take time off when their kids or dogs are sick, you deserve time off to help your pet fish recover from an ailment. Tell them that Coral just isn’t feeling good. Her eyes aren’t looking in the same direction, her fins won’t stop moving, and she can’t breathe underwater. Whatever excuse works for you, will work for your boss - trust us!

You have dance fever

Ants in your pants. Choreomania. Dance fever. Whatever you want to call it, go for it. In 1518 there was an actual dancing

plague in modern-day France.

Who says it can’t happen again?

Just feel the groove and tell your employer you won’t come in until you’ve twerked it all out of your system… The good thing is that sometimes dance fever lasts a couple of days in most cases!

Your long-lost aunt is in town

Did you know you have an aunt Marjorie? Well you do now and she’s in town. Marjorie comes all the way from Eurasia and only comes around once every ten years so you have to make sure you can see her while you still can. Bonus points for bringing up Marjorie’s arrival a day or two in advance to really sell it!

Mercury is in gatorade

It’s that time of year again. The stars are not aligning and this is not the mood. Mercury is in gatorade and royally screwing you and everyone around you.

dogs out while miles high in the sky. Plus, if you’re planning a romantic vacation to Cuba and don’t want to take the kids, or if you’ve got a sneaky link in Spain and don’t want to tell the wife, just tag them along and hand a fifty to a flight attendant. They’ll make sure that problem is solved — easy and breezy.

Although the risk of being ejected is high, this plan shows promise. Firstly, it proves that anxious people can predict the future. You know that annoying gut feeling you get that something will go wrong on the plane? Preliminary research shows that you have a one in five chance of being right!

“It’s nice to have your feelings validated,” said Anne Shous. “At

least now my therapist can’t tell me my thoughts are irrational.”

And although some people are dying from the drop, others are living for the thrill.

“I’ve always wanted to go skydiving,” said Billie Bobb. “Now, it’ll only cost me an arm and a leg!”

Air Canada knows they can’t promise anything. But there’s such a thrill in not knowing what will happen next, in wondering where in the world your luggage will wind up. Maybe dolphins will try on your clothes. Maybe average folks will become world-class divers. Maybe we’ll discover Atlantis along the way.

“A world full of possibilities,” explained an Air Canada rep. “Now that’s the Air Canada promise.”

You probably dropped your toast buttered side down or got really confused when you tried to put on your shirt only to realize you were putting on pants. That’s how you know mercury is in gatorade… It has nothing to do with the stars or spatial alignment, but everything to do with how your day is going.

The vibes are off

Speaking of how your day is going… “Sorry boss, the vibes are off and I’m not feeling very work-y.” I just wanna spend all day online shopping, or listening to murder mystery podcasts, or binge watching the new season of Love is Blind, is that too much to ask? The vibes are off and I am not feeling it.

Whichever way you choose to call in sick, make sure you fully commit to the bit. Make it believable, and make your day off count!

PIERRE

POILIEVRE: A MAN OF MANY HATS