Quarantine Edition
Political
Economic
General
Summer 2020
Incel Nation: the real epidemic- from new converts to elders of the craft laying siege to my DMs. - page 2
New SU President Eoin Hand realises he actually has no idea what SU stands for. - page 3
Love in the time of Collaborate Ultra - a spoken word poem.
004
- page 2025
INSIGHT: The Piranha Investigates: Drinking water - just for simps? Sex dreams about Dr. Tony Holohan and 7 other signs you need to cool down in the frozen section of your local supermarket.
PROTEC T YOURSELF FROM COVID-19 WITH THE PIRANHA CUT OUT MASK
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020
IN FOCUS 2
The Piranha's Agony Aunt he always was. Quarantine agony aunt: These questions and answers have been transcribed from the proceedings of a Q. I think Paul Mesczoom conference: A. Is a ride? Yes. NEXT. Q. I’ve had a lot of time to think.. and really I think I’m ready to get back in Q. Ever since my days on the SCT I’ve been considered, if you will, the g.o.a.t when it contact… should I messagcomes to birds but between ourselves, I’m afraid that my salmon chinos and A. No. school ring won’t cut it anymore. I’m Q. Look I know it’s problematic but worried that everyone is going to go for during these unprecedented times it is these Conell types. How do I conform to these new standards? important to reach out, right?
crest off that school tracksuit, read a book, nick one of the old dear’s silver chains, persist in being a prick but just speak less frequently. Voila! Q. My older sibling lost their job, couldn’t pay rent and had to move back in with us. How do I approach them? A. Best left alone- you’d want privacy if you were up to your eyes in your own future and drowning while your mum repeatedly barges in to check if you’ve got the house phone in there with you for some reason.
A. Wrong. We may live in a new normal A. Not as much of a change as you but he’s the same old normal shitebag might fear, breather of mine. Cut the
The (Self ) Isolated Path to Getting Back With Your Ex
The first week wasn’t bad. Week 4 you actually kissed your mother goodnight for some human affection. But last week, you downloaded TikTok. Rock bottom is filled with awkward dancing , a feeble façade of irony, and restless dreams of a GAA man’s chain. So your mind drifts back to your life’s previous all-time low. Connor. It’s nearly Connell, if you squint. And he is too, if you really squint. He didn’t invite you to the debs and he also refused to take off his jewellery during sex, although that was a Blackrock graduation ring (Not as sexy but equally character-defining). It’s been a year since your friend matched with him on Tinder while he was bringing you on your anniversary date to Captain America’s. No malt milkshake can mend a broken heart. But you saw on his story that he donated 5€ to Women’s Aid and that he at least woke up in time to take
a photo of the sunrise from his window for Darkness into Light. He has changed. You can sense how much more emotionally communicative he is just by his Instagram polls, although you don’t actually care.
Maybe he’s still in love with you. Like he did sad react when you storied your homemade fringe. That boy still cares. AND who did he call to cheat on his takehome exam? Girl, he wants you. And how romantic would it be to be cocooned together? Long days of Deliverooed Bunsens, burnt banana bread, and bareback, body-bumping, bedbreaking bone-athons. Come to think of it you probably still love him too. What are you waiting for? Put on your finest leggings, blow the dust off your Naked 3 Palette, and “accidentally” join his House Party call. Self-isolation just got a whole lot more desperate.
What to Expect from Your *insert preferred social group* Zoom Quiz With pubs shut and nightlife in the shitter we as an Irish nation have turned back to old, something we would have just as regularly participated in before this chaos ensued your classic pub quiz. Except there’s nothing ‘classic’ or ‘pub like’ about this. Each person gets assigned a topic and presents a round on it, or if you’re extremely eager, each person is assigned an entire quiz meaning you have as many quizzes lined up as you do friends (and we’re only talking about ONE friend group here). As soon as that first story hits the gram of you being “responsibly social”, watch those DMs explode with requests - from thirst follows to one-time acquaintances alike - begging for some of that zoomy quiz action. Whether it be the extended fam, school friends, work buddies or college mates next thing you know you have
a quiz lined up every minute of every hour of every night. But you NEVER get tired of it - you love the buzz, the rush of endorphins as you slyly pretend to pop off at the host for setting such difficult questions and pretending not to know the answer so your mates don’t suspect you to crush them all on the topic of ‘what happened in this one class we had before lunch every Monday in second year’. Thus, your pre-quarantine minimal, non-sincere interaction scene becomes a much scarier and darker space as you all inevitably, relive the ‘glory days’ (prequarantine). But, by the end of the night (quiz) you’re still sharing your deepest, darkest thoughts and each your individual, existential crises. Not so different to a regular Saturday night now is it?
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020 3
This Day in Histor y
Quod Dixeunt Dixeunt
1612
Smallpox truther claims smallpox spread by Native American smoke signals.
1984
Paddy Cosgrave takes credit for achievement he had nothing to do with for the first time.
2021
The Sam Maguire is melted down into 15 silver chains to be awarded to the winning AllIreland Football team.
2068
Paul Mescal's floppy willy awarded Honorary Patronage of the University Philosophical Society.
3222
Sex-O-Bot 3000 deemed to be essential worker. Nurses relegated to 'Optional' status.
"Aye you want-a some of my a pizzaaa pie! Bellisimo!" - Piranha’s guide to creating a safe space for your friends who can’t go on Erasmus.
"Haha it does get a bit crowded in here but we’re getting on really well, aren’t we, girls?" -JF Art History student to her Russian doll collection on day fifty of quar
"Poor Barbara, she’s had to stop sleeping with the yoga instructor because he lives with his mum and she’s cocooning."
“I was a fan back when she was just a racist xenophobe” - Trinity Social Political Review
- Mum logging off the zoom book club “If I wore his skin would anyone really notice” - Macebearer in background of Provost Zoom call.
“I’m endlessly inspired by friend’s abilities to make shit art in their bedrooms” - 3rd Year Med student who’s impressed by poems that don’t rhyme.
"Back in my day we had actual problems, like the Spanish flu" - Chad grandad to virgin grandson.
NOTES FROM THE THRONE Honestly, we have never known what this ‘Notes from the Throne’ section is for. It is just one of those things that has been around far longer than we have and we felt awkward about taking it out. Indeed it is fair to say that on more than one occasion, this little column has helped us meet our page count, so who are we to turn up our noses?
provision needs to be abolished.
This has been a lot of fun. We’d like to thank our team of writers who were funny enough to hide how unfunny their editors were. And we could not be happier to leave the paper in the very capable hands of Shane and James to carry on the tradition of problematic Phil hacks sweating out the PTSD of the GMB onto the pages of our beloved We couldn’t really think of a more satirical rag. At least it’s cheaper than fitting end to a year of Piranha. When therapy. Best of luck guys. we first took over, we were sure our incompetence would spell the end of Jack and Maeve this paper. Now, it appears that the whole world is ending anyway and any impact that this bizarre apocalypse has on the survival of this paper will have nothing to do with us. Sounds like a win in our book. On a serious note, a week has passed between creating this edition of the Piranha and writing this epistle. In that time, protests have happened around the world in reaction to police brutality in the USA. While we aim to keep the content of this paper as lighthearted and sneering as possible, we would be remiss not to remind our readers of a few things: black lives matter, racism is prevalent in Ireland and direct
The Piranha Outgoing Editors: Maeve Claffey Jack Counihan
Incoming Editors: James Johnston Shane Kenneally
Senior writers: Ellen Higgins Katie O'Brien
Contributors: Celine Delahoy Hugh Gallagher Hugh O'Leary
The Piranha is a satirical newspaper and should be regarded as such by all. Be advised that some readers may find the contents of The Piranha to be offensive. If you believe that you may be such a person, please seek advice from a qualified professional before reading. Nothing to do with us, perhaps try learning that jokes aren't necessarily things people believe but are instead, jokes. Serious complaints about the content of the publication should be addressed to the Editor, Regent House. All
events and people described in The Piranha are fictional. Any resemblance to real events or real people is unintentional, and hilarious. The Piranha is a member of Trinity Publications and a family of omnivorous freshwater fish that live in South American rivers, being funded by a grant from the former. The Piranha is a fully participating member of the Press Council of Ireland and supports the Office of the Press Ombudsman. The opinions expressed in The Piranha are not reflective in any way of any view held by anyone, anywhere, at any time. The opinions expressed herein are especially not representative of The Piranha and indeed any creature, inanimate object, institution, or person involved in its production, publication and distribution. The Piranha claims all special rights and privileges, just in case. The Piranha is not an equal opportunity employer, in the sense that it does not employ anybody and therefore is not an employer strictly speaking. The Piranha is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020
4
Trinity’s Social and Political Review links 5G internet to COVID-19
The Trinity Social and Political Review (SPR) recently announced the focus of their most recent edition: COVID-19 is being transmitted via 5G radio waves in order for Big Government to control our minds. The SPR had previously been renowned for its hard-hitting political takes such as “Donald Trump is a Bad Man” and “Brexit(?)”. Yet it has now pivoted from this relatively safe content haven towards a bold new territory; unfounded conspiracy theories. This dramatic shift can be traced back to their decision to invite “award-winning journalist” and all-round shitebag Gemma O’Doherty to launch their 2018 edition. O’Doherty, who is best known for her links to the far-right National Party and her deranged Twitter conspiracy theories about minorities and flouride, was deemed to be a fitting guest to launch the Review. Since then, the SPR has undergone a radical change, resulting in articles such as “Did vaccines kill Jeffrey Epstein?” and “Stop the homosexuals from reading your mind with this DIY tinfoil hat.” The coronavirus is, however, the major focus of the current edition. Editor of
the SPR, Edward Cullen (yes, the very same) announced yesterday that “the Government is installing 5G internet to spread the coronavirus throughout the community, in an effort to cleanse half the population.” When this publication suggested that the virus was spread, well, virally, as opposed to via mobile data, the 119-year old Junior Sophister student responded that the virus is a hoax, which has been made up in order to keep us in our homes and deprive us of our freedom: “The virus doesn’t even exist, it’s an invention of Big Pharma to keep you sipping their Kool-Aid. But the virus is also very deadly. That’s why I’m selling the Trinity Social and Political Review Survival Shield Plus zinc supplements, to protect my true believers against COVID-19.” He added that these ‘supplements’, which contain copious amounts of mercury and lead, ward off the left-wing, child-eating hobgoblins that walk among us and can be bought for €79.95 on the SPR website. While we at the Piranha do not condone the new direction taken by the SPR, we certainly admire their hustle.
Opinion
The front gates of Trinity, just 17 minutes after wild-flower biodiversity enhancing measures are introduced.
Trinity Gym to be Deemed an Essential Service To Chisel Taoiseach’s Summer Bod. The Piranha has today viewed confidential internal government memoranda which outline plans for Minister for Health Simon Harris to announce the re-opening of Trinity’s Sports Centre so that the Taoiseach may sculpt his supple form. This action is said to be for the purpose of “lifting national morale by presenting a strong and boyishly sexy Taoiseach”. A recent poll found that 58% of respondents said they felt angry and inconsolable about the loss of Leo’s tight tushy. Furthermore, reports have surfaced this week detailing the diminishment of Taoiseach Leo Varadkar’s impressive chest from
a taught C-cup to a sagging B-cup. As a result, the cabinet was sent into a (socially-distanced) frenzy, scrambling to prevent public discord. Homely heartthrob Tony Holohan waxed poetic at a press conference this week,”The public can only bear a lockdown if they’ve got some sweet eye candy. I for one will only feel safe in Leo’s arms if they’re as tenderly robust as a bough of oak braving a winter storm”. Indeed, recent civil conflict in Yemen is rumoured to have begun when President Mansur Hadi didn’t renew his FlyeFit membership. Though Trinity have yet to officially respond to these reports, eagleeyed passers-by have noticed that facemasks have been placed on all of the gym’s weights, further fuelling rumours. The Piranha has reached out to the Sports Centre staff, one of whom anonymously informed us over the phone that “if Leo needs a pump, we’ll give him a pump”. The informant did not elaborate further, though he did say the word “wink” before hanging up. This desire to maintain Leo’s luscious lats is said to be shared by the staff of DIT’s TUD’s new gym, though the Taoiseach is apparently unlikely to avail of this facility due to its remote location in Cavan.
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020
5
What's Hot // What's Not Piping hot takes from the stone busts in the Long Library The Library is full of secrets. News spreads through its narrow corridors, carried by the faintest of whispers, delivered by faceless, genderless beings with subversive motives. Amid the secrecy lie the stone busts of the library, immortalising famous college figures who now have nothing better to do than to comment on college's latest and lamest.
NOT
HOT Normal People Existentialism:
I get it, we all want to be Marianne or Conall but no amount of bulimia or chain smoking is gonna get us there. You might console yourself with being Peggy but you can’t afford cocaine and you’re not charming enough to make friends with rich people, well at least not charismatic enough to live in two of their properties for free. You’re not even the girl who got 18 lines of meaningful dialogue and then the absolute ride of her life off Conall before her two days on set were up. You’re none of the above because none of those people are real. The only character you could be, who incidentally is the closest thing the show has to a living human who eats, shits and has gay friends (maybe), is Mariannes’ english friend. She wears oxfam beige, actually goes on nights out, and seems to know other people outside of that toxic group of 5 who sit in a Ballsbridge townhouse and hate each other for their entire degree. Crucially she is offscreen when any drama does occur - because this is college, and when you don’t like someone you can just walk away - or vote Ron whenever they put themselves out there. Normal people is in the HOT section for reminding us that no matter how much we might romanticise student life and being “sad, but no need to check up on me all the time sad”, we’ll never be the 11 minutes of slow, white, skinny sex in episode two. We’re all collectively the awkward semi on the couch with your parents. The shameful push in your O’Neils you hide with a throw cushion and try to ignore as Dad offers you a top up of red from the singular bottle you’re sharing between the three of you. A silent wank in your childhood bedroom and a headache, but that’s okay, you’re enough. Thanks for reminding us of that Sally.
This:
Paul Mescal:
Paul Mescal is a LIAR. A crooked mouthed fraud who’s duped every GAA gay (who left the team cause the comments from the sidelines were hurtful) and girl with scissor-cut bangs into thinking that men who wear chains are capable of empathy. Who or what is Connell Waldron? He’s from Sligo, dressed like your brothers friend who’d take showers in your house after training (and leave you fidgeting to the sound of water sliding down his shoulder acne), uncircumcised, and a bit of a shaky crier. But the crucial thing is, he can cry and he can fuck, he’s perfect. But what about our pal Paul? Simply put Paul Mescal is a sociopath with a Judas chain who’d not rule out sex with a married woman and throwing stones at cars on the N7. The sort who’d go half’s on a baggie if you really pressured him, then proceed “lose ” it in the toilets but chew his lips bloody til morning. Can’t you see it behind his smug crinkly eyes, the abyss that lives there, I’d say he even wears SPF when it’s cloudy, prick. He’s an actor, a pretender, he’s not Connell and never can be. Paul’s from Kildare, he’s not a shy boy out in the country town, he’s swiping pints in the Wright venue and pissing himself on the airport bus home. Paul Mescal is in the Not section because he exists in 12 perfect half-hours on the RTE Player that will never, ever be real. He’s the part of you that waited for a letter from Hogwarts, that wanted to be a mermaid when you took a bath, that stared in the mirror and wished for the death of a parent so you’d seem “mysterious” in school. Paul Mescal is the blank canvas for all of us to project what we hope for and what we aren’t, and I think he knows it. And I don’t think he gives a fuck about you, he’s sitting somewhere in loose Cos trousers thinking “Keep walking simp. Jesus, I’m really craving a Rockshore.”
Recreating the club at home:
One thing that’s been keeping everyone sane this quarantine is adapting your everyday activities to being trapped in your home. For some this means virtual drinks, and for others, huffing poppers in their childhood bedroom. However any thought that substances will make quarantining with your parents less grim is unfortunately false. When the 15 second high wears off, you will still be surrounded by the Harry Styles posters you loved at 14 and the beady eyes of your Sylvanian collection casting judgment on every bomb, line and pop. The music you’re using to emulate a rave is strictly earphones-only and has to be kept low in case one of your elderly parents takes a fall and cries for help. The sad truth is that no chemical can replace the thrill of things we once took for granted, such as Going Places and Doing Things. Ultimately, taking drugs in your parents’ lovingly furnished home is not the subversive, anti establishment behaviour you’ve convinced yourself it is: there are easier, and less pathetic ways to fight the power.
The Piranha Want to get involved? Email us at piranhatcd@gmail.com
6
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020
Should you cut your own fringe or do you love yourself? It’s day 12 of self-isolation and you catch a glimpse of yourself in a
five minutes, maybe watch some netflix.
shattered piece of a mirror because you threw a hair-brush at your own reflection only two hours earlier. Answer the questions below
Q4. Are you prepared for a high maintenance haircut which might not
to find out if you should give yourself a radically different haircut
look the way you intended it to?
that you cannot fix, or continue to self-loathe, without telling the
A. I think microbangs would suit me.
world!
B. Hmmm… possibly not….
Q1. What do you think when you see yourself in photos?
Q5. Do you have someone who could at least cut them for you?
A. I haven’t let someone take a picture of my face since my debs.
A. I have a pair of kitchen scissors and a mirror?
B. That was a fun night out, my outfit looks good too!
B. Not really, my Mum doesn't have a steady hand.
Q2. How would you describe your taste in music?
Mostly As
A. I exclusively listen to music that was produced from 1982-1984
You might not be in the best head space right now to get a fringe.
in Germany on vinyl or cassette tapes.
You should consider it again though after you’ve had a bottle of
B. I like indie-rock and anything by Billie Eilish- she’s so cool!
wine!
Q3. What do you do to relax?
Mostly Bs
A. I’ll burn anything but a candle.
Wow, look at you, well done on being able to stop and smell the
B. Normal stuff I suppose. Have a nice drink, cry inconsolably for
roses
Trinity College Dublin to Replace Book of Kells Exhibition with Normal People Tour Experience In an effort to replace the 140 million euros gap left in Trinity’s income stream this coming year, and a predicted decline in American tourists over the next 12-24 months, Trinity is understood to be repositioning itself within their marketing field, and aiming to focus on a new, domestic segment- the thirty youth of Ireland. Renovations and transformations have already begun on The Long Room, The Book of Kells, and The Official Trinity Tours, to become the new and improved “Normal People, Normal Tours” experience. The tours include bringing individuals to the locations where the filming took place, including the library where Trinity students study. There will be regular interruptions throughout the day in The Berkely library from September onwards as groups of 12-20 individuals will be brought through the library, up the staircase, and then will be presented with the opportunity to sit in the very chair where Connell sat. If a student is sitting there, they will be told to move, or face a fine. A very exciting part of the new experience will be the complete eradication of the Book of Kells, which has been described as “pretty underwhelming for 18 euros”, and instead will be replaced with the shiny, sexy, much coveted “Connell’s chain”. Sourcing the chain was an imperative for the director of the project, Patrick Prendergast, who stated “It was quite difficult to get the chain because apparently Paul Mescal gave it to Daisy Edgar-Jones at the end of filming, but it’s grand, we found the exact same one in Argos for a tenner. We then gave it to one of the lads on the TCD football team for an hour during training, and now it smells and looks the same. This is the kind of stuff we mean when we say ‘inspiring generations to meet the challenges of the future’. You’re welcome.” Some members of the Trinity community have expressed disappointment that all of the busts in the long room were replaced with busts of the cast members. In response Prendergast said to The Piranha, “But I thought you guys wanted the most bottom-of-the-barrel level of representation by having a female bust?”. Normal People, Normal Tours, are set to begin operating on September 20th, but like all Trinity projects, will inevitably begin about 7-48 months late with no explanation as to why.
Provost reveals first Long Hall bust with low-cut blouse in Trinity History Over a shaky Instagram live a dishevelled Patrick Prendergast declared how pleased he was to finally have a female figure grace our college’s crown jewel . He tentatively pulled back the silken covering to reveal a truly groundbreaking work of art in the pursuit of gender equality. He declared that forgoing actually selecting a woman and opting to have a headless bust with massive tits was the most inclusive option available. “We received such a wide variety of suggestions from our incessant emailing we felt it was only correct to put that feedback into action” the Provost stated. He addressed concerns that this move would generate controversy by assuring his three viewers
that “bitches love boobs, it’s me I’m bitches” before ending the live abruptly. It is truly inspiring to watch our college’s administration adapt to these challenging circumstances. The event was originally scheduled to take place two days prior to exams, with a full marching band to patrol the college campus from sunrise to sunset before a violent allnight firework display. Yet Trinity College Dublin has persevered in the face of adversity and still managed to highlight their terrible decision making prowess in new accessible formats. If only I could be that hot and sexy.
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020
"We can stop any time if you want to stop, it won’t be weird or anything”, Provost says to students being charged €9000 a year to live on-campus
Trinity Launches Branded ‘Normal People’ Line of Merchandise
Board Announces Plans to award college places using comically oversized wheel from ‘Winning Streak’
Quarantine Edition, Summer 2020
COVID Tweets from Trinity's Ivory Tower
And a little something from our favourite Students Union Officer