DECEMBER 2019
HOW TO DEAL WITH SANTANA ROW
HOLIDAY
Family Members Who Stress You Out
GIFT GUIDE
HOTEL SPOTLIGHT Rosewood Sand Hill
Volume 6 / Issue 70
The Destructive Effects of Constructive Criticism
[ PARENTING ] Why I Aim to be a “Deeply Disciplined Half-Ass”
Christmas At The Princess
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[ SEASONAL ]
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How to Deal with Family Members Who Stress You Out
Santana Row Gift Guide
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HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: Rosewood Sand Hill – A Family “Staycation” Sprinkled with Holiday Magic
Six Benefits of After-School Clubs
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Christine Carter, Ph.D. Elizabeth Kang Dr. Irene S. Cohen Stratford School Susan Stiffelman
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Elizabeth Kang ekang@activefamilymag.com
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Editor’s Note As another year wraps up I can’t help but reflect on how fast time flies. When the kids were babies and I was in pure survival mode, it seemed like time literally stood still. However, looking at my “babies” now it is hard to comprehend that I only have four and a half years left with them before they venture off on their own. The holidays make me nostalgic, missing those toddlers on Christmas morning who couldn’t contain their excitement, running down the stairs to see what Santa had brought them. I miss experiencing the magic of the season through their eyes. But with each milestone, each year that has gone by I have marveled at the amazing humans I have raised and am so lucky to be their Mom. The experiences are now different, but so special nonetheless. My advice to parents with young children; savor every moment. I know it sounds cliché but there are no wiser words. Just breathe, study your child’s baby face, try to hold unto every memory you are making. And enjoy as much as you possibly can. Wishing you all a magical holiday shared with family. Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
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Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).
Why I Aim to be a “Deeply Disciplined Half-Ass” by Christine Carter, Ph.D. Throughout my life, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with hard work. I credit both my past successes and my past anxiety problems to how hard I’ve worked, to the strive-y part of me that always wants to be right, always wants to be the best, that always wants to do everything correctly. Ironically, I’ve worked hard to minimize this strive-y part of my personality. I’ve become quite wary of my past “blood, sweat, and tears” method for getting things done, in part because I tend to conflate perseverance with perfectionism. Fortunately, the two things are not the same! There’s nothing wrong with determination towards a worthy goal, especially when the mere pursuit of it— the process — is joyful. But perfectionism is the tendency to persevere well past the “good enough” stage, to persist even when an activity or project becomes joyless, painful, or counter-productive in some way. There are a lot of problems with perfectionism. For starters, perfectionism is not a happiness habit. Perfectionists are prone to depression and severe anxiety, and they are more likely to commit suicide when things go wrong.
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[ PARENTING ] A lot of people incorrectly assume, as I used to, that
project or task. We don’t need to feel guilty about the
perfectionism will propel them to the top of their field (or
areas in our lives where we’re half-assing it, she assures
the top of their class or team). But perfectionism doesn’t
us when we prioritize completing tasks and projects over
contribute to success. On the contrary, perfectionism
perfecting them. She explains:
tends to detract from success. Here’s why: [The great American novelist Robert Stone once joked • Perfectionism creates a steady state of discontent
that he possessed the two worst qualities imaginable in
fueled by a stream of negative emotions like fear,
a writer: He was lazy, and he was a perfectionist. Indeed,
frustration, and disappointment. Negative emotions
those are the essential ingredients for torpor and misery,
drain our energy and reduce our cognitive abilities.
right there. If you want to live a contented creative life,
• Because failure is not an option for perfectionists, fear of failure becomes a driving force. All that fear diverts energy from more constructive things, making perfectionists less able to learn and be creative. Perfectionists expend a lot of energy on the things they are desperately trying to avoid: failure and the criticism they imagine it will create. Ironically, this preoccupation has been shown to undermine performance in sports, academics, and social situations. • Perfectionism — like all fixed-mindset thinking — keeps us from taking risks and embracing the challenge. Overcoming an obstacle is one of the best ways to go from being good at something to being great. • Perfectionism leads us to conceal our mistakes and avoid getting constructive feedback. In nearly every field — writing groups are the most obvious example here — group critique is a fast way to get better at something. Perfectionism is NOT about setting high expectations or being successful in your endeavors. It is about being concerned about making mistakes and about worrying
you do not want to cultivate either one of those traits, trust me. What you want is to develop quite the opposite: You must learn how to become an intensely disciplined half-ass.] It starts by forgetting about perfect. We don’t have time for perfect. In any event, perfection is unachievable: It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death. The writer Rebecca Solnit puts it well: “So many of us believe in perfection, which ruins everything else because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it’s also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun.” In any event, perfection is unachievable: It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death. “Become a deeply disciplined half-ass” is some of the best happiness advice I’ve ever heard. And in a world where people begin loads of projects but are too busy (or afraid of not being good enough) to complete much of anything, completion is a strategy that will put you
about what others think.
ahead of the pack.
About ten years ago, I was able to get my perfectionism
If you need more discipline, think about cultivating work
under control, but the tendency (for me) is always there.
rituals or developing some new habits. If you struggle
Here’s the weirdest thing about me: At times, I’m a little
with perfectionism, read Big Magic to become your most
anxious that I don’t feel guiltier for not continually striving
authentic, good-enough self.
to earn myself an A+ in every little realm of my life. Want more tips for conquering perfectionism, or For this reason and many others, I am totally in love
developing discipline? You might like my free guide to
with Liz Gilbert’s book Big Magic. In it, she clarifies:
saving time, How to Gain an Extra Day Each Week. This
Success and happiness aren’t just about not being
free eBook will leave you with practical results so that you
perfectionistic. They come when we allow ourselves
can generate more time for the things that matter most
to be mediocre if that’s what it takes to complete a
to you. DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 7
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HOTEL SPOTLIGHT: Rosewood Sand Hill – A Family “Staycation” Sprinkled with Holiday Magic
by Elizabeth Kang One of my favorite traditions that we’ve, as a family, developed over the years is our annual family holiday shopping “staycation.” It’s when we take a break from the hustle & bustle of the season, book a night at a nice hotel, and enjoy each other’s company while getting some holiday shopping done the next morning. It’s a great way to treat the whole family, while also getting some much-needed seasonal errands done in the same trip. This year, based on its raving guest reviews and convenient proximity to the always lovely Stanford Shopping Center, Rosewood Sand Hill was our pick. The hotel, while frequented by Silicon Valley execs and business travelers, is ultra family-friendly. We got the your-children-are-welcome-here vibes as soon as we stepped inside the
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[ TRAVEL ] lobby, where an adorable motorized minisized Tesla beckoned the kids to take it for a spin.
The Room to Book If you’re traveling with children, you’ll want to book a deluxe queen, preferably near the luxurious, heated pool and hot tub. These spacious rooms boast two plush queen beds, a walk-in closet, and an oversized bathroom with a walk-in shower and a massive soaking tub. The room we stayed in was on the first floor, right across from the gated pool. We simply walked (ok, my kids sprinted) a few feet from our screen-door patio to the heated, outdoor pool, which made the chilly walk back that much more convenient (and thankfully, short.) Another extremely convenient aspect of our stay that I really came to appreciate was the parking situation. Most hotels require valet or self-parking in a designated lot, so going out becomes a bit of a hassle. Not at Rosewood Sand Hill. The hotel accommodates guests who arrive in vehicles by letting them drive up and park right next to their room, so going to and from is easy and quick.
Kid-Approved Fare With 24-hour room service and a Michelinstarred restaurant that actually offers a kids’ menu (yay!), both children and adults enjoy dining at Rosewood Sand Hill. X
Dining “En Suite” is a perfect option if you’re wanting to cuddle up in jammies and watch a family flick after an afternoon of swimming. Dining options include choosing from the full menu of the onsite restaurant, Madera, or choosing from additional seasonal dishes. The kids’ menu includes mini cheeseburgers, roasted chicken, and chocolate chip
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cookies. Getting hungry at the pool? Just order from the poolside menu to have french fries, burgers, or poke delivered right to your lounge chair. If you’re in the mood to get out of your room and enjoy an upscale meal, Madera is an exceptional choice. This Michelin-stared restaurant is open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s gorgeously appointed in rich, warm tones, with a welcoming fireplace and rich wood and earth finishes. The balcony windows let plenty if natural light in, offering sweeping views of the pool and mountains beyond. The menu is comprised of artfully arranged seasonal American fare, using sustainably sourced seafood and naturally raised meats, as well as farm-to-table produce. During dinner, adults can choose from a chef’s tasting menu, along with a thoughtful wine pairing. Wagyu Beef, Dayboat Scallops, and Liberty Farms Duck are all options during dinner. During lunch, a Cobb Salad or Oak Grilled Sand Hill Burger might hit the spot, DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
[ TRAVEL ] and breakfast offers equally delicious eats, such as Chilaquiles, Banana Pecan Pancakes, and Smoked Salmon & Spinach Eggs Benedict. Weekend brunch is a regal affair at Madera, where oysters, caviar, and mimosas make an appearance on the menu. On the kids’ menu, our girls enjoyed chocolate-chip pancakes, scrambled eggs, and freshly made smoothies.
What’s Nearby Located in Menlo Park, only 1.4 miles from the Stanford Campus, 3 miles to the Stanford Shopping Center, and 3.5 miles to Downtown Palo Alto, Rosewood Sand Hill is a short drive to plenty of shopping, dining, and entertainment venues.
For more dining options, check out downtown Palo Alto’s University Avenue. Being a college town, it’s a great options for cheap, kid-friendly bites, but it has it’s fair share of delicious, upscale restaurants, as well.
Looking to get in some outdoor exercise? The Stanford Dish Loop Trail is a popular 3.8-mile long paved walking and biking path. This looped trail near Stanford features beautiful wild flowers, serene hill views, and is accessible year-round.
In the mood to Shop? The Stanford Shopping Center offers an abundance of quality stores, and it’s one of my favorites. The grounds on this outdoor mall are lovely, with year-round planters filled with gorgeous, seasonal flowers. There are a variety of stores to visit, from upscale, luxury haunts like Hermes, Tiffany & Co. and Louis Vuitton, to fan-favorites like Nordstrom, American Girl, and the Apple Store. My girls love to pick out something sweet at Sprinkles Cupcakes, and I love to check out the offerings at Anthropologie. 12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2019
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ROSEWOOD SAND HILL 2825 Sand Hill Road Menlo Park, CA 94025 www.rosewoodhotels.com/en/sand-hill-menlo-park
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[ PARENTING ]
How to Deal with Family Members Who Stress You Out by Dr. Irene S. Cohen “Dr. Ilene” S. Cohen, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist, professor, blogger and award winning author of the popular self-help guide, When It’s Never About You. Her work regularly appears in top psychology publications. After graduating from the University of Tampa with a B.A. in
“Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with lots of nuts.” After the holidays, I see a lot of people recovering from spending too much time with their families. Before the holidays, they mistakenly thought to themselves, “This year will be different; this year we’ll have a nice time together.” But then it’s never different. The time they spent with their families was like walking on hot coals; they couldn’t wait for it to be over. It’s like all their reasoning and maturity went away when faced with close-minded comments and overly opinionated uncles. Then, to top it all off, they get mad at themselves for letting these things bother them. Can you relate?
Psychology, Dr. Ilene obtained her Master’s and Ph.D. degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
Feeling overly agitated, like you’re going to burst whenever you’re around family, isn’t a new phenomenon. However, there are ways to better prepare yourself any time you have an unwanted family reunion.
Both her books and her practice are fueled by her passion for helping people achieve their goals, build a strong sense of self, and lead meaningful lives. She is also guided by a passion for service and lends her time to multiple charitable causes around the world. Dr. Ilene resides in Miami, Florida with her husband and two young daughters.
Dealing with stressful situations in the moment So, your annoying aunt asks why you aren’t married yet, or your parents scream at you to help them with something before you’ve even had a chance to close the door. Going in with a clear mind and making a deal with yourself to take on any situation in a rational way is a good start, no matter how you’re greeted. But at the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that you have the right to naturally get upset by others’ unthoughtful actions. The crucial part is knowing that just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you have the right to act out from those emotions. In fact, it will probably only make the situation worse if you retaliate.
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[ PARENTING ] A good place to start is by taking a few deep breaths, trying to reduce your anxiety around the stressful situation by bringing in your rational mind. Breathe out, and disengage by remaining factual. If your parents are asking you to run off and help with something, tell them you’ll look into it after you close the door and are able to say hi to everyone, or maybe even after you eat. If your pushy aunt asks you why you’re still single, make a joke. If you’re too agitated, just say you’ll talk about it later. That will give you time to relax and think about how you want to deal with the situation, if you want to talk about it at all. Sometimes just acknowledging that you’re annoyed is enough to give you room to deal with the frustration and anger. If it’s not enough, practice a coping skill like deep breathing, or talk yourself down from the situation by telling yourself, “They don’t mean to be annoying,” or, “Things will calm down once I get settled.” Develop a strong sense of self When people fail to develop a strong self, their wellbeing and functioning usually depend on what others say or don’t say, instead of on what they personally think. Essentially, their sense of self vanishes in the presence of others, especially in the presence of family. This happens because many people try to manage the anxiety of everyone in their family instead of their own. It would better serve them to look inside themselves and see how they’re managing and feeling, rather than being so concerned with others’ behaviors. When we lack a strong sense of self, we want to be and do what everyone in our family expects of us. Ignoring our own needs results in an experience of anxiety and discomfort whenever we’re surrounded by multiple family members at once. Ask yourself, “What difference would it make if I held the belief that the people in my family can handle themselves?” Change happens when you shift the way you view a situation. Whenever an issue or argument arises in your family, do you get uncomfortable? Do you think you have to ease the situation and be the one to carry the conversation? Do you get uncomfortable when others get agitated? Then, when you can’t stand being with your family, do you believe the only solution is to distance yourself and ignore them? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re emotionally connected to others. This is normal, of course; however, there are ways you can better regulate your reactivity
towards your family while staying emotionally connected to them. By developing a sense of self, you build the ability to self-regulate and better manage your anxiety, which brings about changes that allow you to be less reactive to your family members; thus, your need for everything to go smoothly decreases, as do your expectations and feelings of distress. Feeling less stressed around family is all about learning to manage your own part in your relationships with others, instead of trying to manage everyone else’s feelings. It means being part of your family while being able to control your own functioning at the same time. What a lot of us unknowingly do is adjust our internal functioning to help keep our family in harmony, which has adverse effects on how we feel about ourselves. By paying attention to your body, mind, and emotions when you’re interacting with your family, you become capable of balancing your co-occurring needs for togetherness and individuality. Remember, you don’t have to always agree with your family Family is family; they can be a source of comfort or the main source of stress at times, but they’re still a big part of your life. We think that we should agree all the time and get along in order to be a nice, functional family. However, there’s no rule that says you have to get along with everyone in your family all the time. Being related doesn’t mean you’ll get along in every situation, share the same political views, or even enjoy each other’s company. It’s a fantasy to assume that just because there’s a family event, you automatically have to become a picture-perfect family to enjoy it. You’re only responsible for yourself. So be kind and respectful, but don’t force yourself neglect your true views out of fear that someone else will have a different opinion. Be strong enough to excuse yourself if a conversation gets out of hand, and spend more time around your favorite cousins or siblings. Remember, when a difficult family situation arises and anxiety is high, avoiding the issue and distancing from family isn’t particularly helpful. Work on being who you want to be, even when you’re around people who have different opinions or make annoying remarks; that includes responding in ways that are suitable for you and beneficial to your functioning and health. DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
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Santana Row HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
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Santana Row HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
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Kendra Scott - www.kendrascott.com Alice Drop Earrings in Rose Gold - $85 Jolie Rose Gold Cuff Bracelet in Dichroic Glass - $88 B8ta - www.b8ta.com Onewheel+ XR - $1,799.00 Meural Canvas - www.meural.netgear.com Discover new art every day with the - $495 Amazon Books - www.amazon.com Happy to the Holidays at Amazon Books. Find the perfect gift for everyone on your list at Amazon Books stores. Discover a curated selection of customer favorite books, test-drive the latest Amazon devices, shop for the top toys of the season, browse our best deals, plus find top-rated gifts for the home. DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
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Six Benefits of After-School Clubs by Stratford Schools Many schools and community organizations host after school clubs for local kids. Clubs usually include interests such as team sports, creative arts, performing arts, and further exploration into academic subjects. Parents know that extracurricular activities, like after school clubs, can look good on college applications and resumes. However, after school programs also come with a wide variety of physical, mental, and emotional benefits for kids. After school clubs can help improve academic performance, allow kids to discover new passions and hobbies, nurture life skills, and so much more. Improved academic performance Kids who participate in structured after-school programs see improved academic performance, according to a study by SMU’s Simmons School of Education and Human Development. Not only did students’ grades improve, but the researchers noticed better attendance, as well as higher grade point averages in some cases. Higher confidence and self-esteem Participation in after-school clubs can lead to better academic performance, which goes hand-in-hand with another benefit: higher confidence and selfesteem. Kids who join after-school clubs are often pursuing a hobby, skill, or subject that they enjoy. As they get better at this activity, they might see a boost in their confidence and self-esteem. That carries over into their outlook and performance in school. Developing real-world skills An after-school activity teaches kids so much more than the activity itself. Realworld skills, or life skills, are developed alongside the skills with a new activity. For example, your child might join an after-school soccer club because they love playing the sport. They’ll get better at handling a soccer ball and keeping up their physical health. Plus, they’ll learn essential life skills like teamwork, communicating with their teammates, and perseverance. They’ll also learn skills like time management: how to prioritize after-school club attendance with school, homework, chores, and family duties. The skills they learn in after-school programs can benefit them in their future. Foundation for the future Speaking of the future, we all know that a well-rounded student with extracurricular activities is often a more attractive applicant when it comes to college acceptance. That’s also true for jobseekers: hiring managers will sometimes assess a person’s abilities and work habits through their passions outside of their career. 20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2019
[ PARENTING ] Getting involved in extracurricular activities at a young age can help kids see the value in having regular hobbies, a value that will carry into their future beyond school. Participation in healthy activities
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extracurricular programs like team sports, dance, or selfdefense gets kids outside and physically active. Even if the extracurricular program isn’t considered a “physical activity,” participating in something like drama, robotics, or speech and debate is still good for physical health. Pursuing a hobby can reduce stress, lessen screen time, and encourage healthy lifestyle habits.
After-school programs are certainly great for kids, but
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unable to pick up their children after the school day finishes, after-school clubs provide a safe place for kids to spend their time. Rather than hiring a childcare provider for the hours until the workday ends, parents can have peace of mind knowing where their kids are and what they’re doing. Instead of vegging out at home on the couch with a babysitter, kids can practice a musical instrument, or
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centurylandscape55@hotmail.com DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
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CHRISTMAS AT THE PRINCESS by Elizabeth Kang Dreaming of a not-so-white Christmas? If a sun-
tree-lighting ceremony on November 26th, and filled
drenched, palm-tree-studded holiday vacay sounds
with fun family-friendly holiday events and entertainment
more appealing than frosted windshields and gloomy
through New Year’s Eve. Read on to discover more about
mornings, it’s not too late to start planning your family trip
all of the holiday magic to be experienced at Christmas
to the Fairmont Princess Scottsdale.
at the Princess.
This stunning Five Diamond property is the perfect
FAMILY HOLIDAY FUN
holiday getaway, and, bonus — only a two-hour
There’s never a dull moment during the holidays
plane ride from the Bay Area. Every year, the Fairmont
at the Fairmont Scottsdale Princess. With so much
Scottsdale Princess transforms into a stunning holiday
entertainment, activities, and fun to be had, the entire
desert oasis, adorned with over four million dazzling
family will enjoy their stay! Check out the lineup of family
LED lights, and decorated with festive holiday decor
holiday fun:
throughout the property. This year, the Princess is celebrating its “Decade of Decembers,” with a 10th
Enchanted Plaza Show — This dazzling five-minute show
annual Festival of Lights. This special line-up of festive,
is a can’t miss. It’s a spectacular HD Video show that’s
holiday-themed events is quite impressive, and worth
projected onto the resort’s facade, displaying 18 holiday-
experiencing for yourself.
themed songs that coordinate with the resort Christmas tree’s dancing LED lights. This musical tree is a delightful
In addition to the six sparkling pools, five top-ranked
treat, and one of the most popular holiday events in
restaurants, two championship golf courses, beautiful
Scottsdale.
accommodations, and sprawling grounds, the Fairmont Princess Scottsdale plays host to an exciting lineup of
Desert Ice Skating Rink — This giant 6,000 square foot rink
festive holiday events every Winter, beginning with a
is made of real ice, so skaters will be able to experience DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
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a real taste of winter magic right in the Scottsdale desert.
Nick, an have the opportunity to take professional photos with him, and whisper to him their Xmas wish list,
Build-A-Bear Workshop — Build-A-Bear sets up shop
of course.
right on the resort’s property, so little ones can delight in choosing and making their own Christmas keepsake.
Holiday Character Appearances — As guests meander through the property, the little ones will be delighted
S’Moresland — This delicious, enchanted land of
by appearances from a host of holiday characters
chocolate and marshmallow is a delight for all ages,
appearing throughout their stay. Fun characters such as
with a campfire for roasting marshmallows in a Christmas
Graham, Shivers, Princess Noel, Angelica, Selfie Elfie and
Tree Forest, and visits from “Graham,” the s'mores-loving
Peppermint Penguin make appearances throughout the
character who delights little ones. There’s also a four-
resort.
lane Polar Glide, where guests can take an icy slide, and holiday-themed carnival rides such as the Christmas
Princess Express Train — All aboard! Princesses and
Carousel and Frosty's Ferris Wheel.
commoners alike will be able to hitch rides on the Princess Express Train, which transports guests around the
Santa’s Secret Headquarters — No holiday trip is
resort's stunning lagoons. These lagoons are adorned
complete without pictures with Santa, and the Princess
with beautiful lights, and filled with mystic creatures such
has that covered. Inside Santa’s magical secret
as Nessie, the 30-foot Loch Ness monster, a mermaid,
headquarters, the whole family will meet Jolly Ol' Saint
pirate ship, and more.
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[ TRAVEL ] ADULT CHRISTMAS MAGIC There are some special events and attractions for the grownups to get in on the holiday spirit planned at the Fairmont Princess, as well. Check out all of the adult Christmas Magic to experience: Winterland — There’s no better way to get into the holiday spirit than indulging in a few, well, holiday spirits! At Winterland, adult guests enjoy toasty winter-themed alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages, and a festive ice bar stocked with ice-cold champagne, vodkas, and more . Live musical performances set the mood while guests sip, mingle, dance, and laugh. Decked out in sparkling holiday lights, igloos, and even some wellplaced mistletoe, Winterland is a festive adult hangout loaded with fun. Mrs. Claus’ Corner Holiday Shopping — Everyone loves beauty and spa gifts, including Mrs. Claus! This year, she’s curated a collection of her favorite beauty, spa and relaxation products like bath bombs, the latest fitness fashions, and ultra-cozy pjs for those looking for the perfect gift to purchase. There’s also plenty of other holiday shopping to be had at Kringle's Korner, like stuffed animals and toys for the kids, and warm pjs for the hubby at Maverick men's store. SPECIAL HOLIDAY EVENTS The Fairmont Princess has a jam-packed calendar this holiday season, chock-full of special events, celebrations, and activities. Take a look at some of their planned special festive events: November 26th, Tree-Lighting Ceremony — The annual tree-lighting ceremony kicks off the holiday season at the Fairmont Princess, with the lighting of its four-story Christmas tree that’s adorned with 70,000 LED lights. This musically animated tree boasts lights that twinkle and “dance” to holiday music. At the ceremony, there’s also live musical performances, ice-skating displays, and more. November 28th, Thanksgiving Brunch — Give thanks in style, stress-free, at the Fairmont Princess’s Thanksgiving Brunch. At the brunch, four of the resort’s world-class restaurants (Bourbon Steak, La Hacienda, Toro Latin DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25
[ TRAVEL ] Restaurant & Rum Bar and Ironwood American Kitchen,) collaborate to bring guests a memorable Thanksgiving menu. December 1st, Santa Cares Photo Experience — This is a sensory-friendly event is designed to help those with special needs feel comfortable, calm and safe while getting a chance to take a picture with Santa. This event takes place prior to public hours, avoiding the crowds and hustle & bustle of the season. December 25, Christmas Brunch — Held in the stunning Palomino Ballroom, chefs from four of the Fairmont Princess’s renowned restaurants put their culinary masterminds together to create a spectacular Christmas Brunch feast. December 31st, New Year’s Eve at the Princess — An exciting night awaits at the Plaza Bar, where guests ring-in the new year with specialty drinks, live entertainment, and newly made friends.
26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2019
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[ PARENTING ]
Susan Stiffelman, Huffington Post Parent’s weekly advice columnist (“Parent Coach”), is an engaging speaker whose presentations leave audiences upbeat, entertained and fortified with practical strategies that will make an immediate and significant difference in their day to day lives. Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child therapist, a credentialed teacher, and a highly regarded parenting coach. Instead of offering standard, scripted advice to parents about how to control their children, Susan focuses on helping them be what she calls the Captain of the ship their children need and naturally want to cooperate with, confide in, and respect. Those who attend Susan’s presentations routinely email her office with thanks, and a request to come back again!
The Destructive Effects of Constructive Criticism by Susan Stiffelman My mother insists on giving me what she calls constructive criticism. She thinks it’s her job to tell me everything I’m doing wrong. For instance, when my three-year old whines, my mother gives me dirty looks and later lectures me on how I need to be more strict. I am a single mother and wish she respected my choices and understood how hard I try to do right by my children, who are good kids. It is difficult for parents to hold back when it comes to sharing with their grown children what they’ve learned from their own parenting trials and tribulations. What I find useful when anyone’s behavior is upsetting is to consider what might be fueling it. By looking at the underlying source of your mother’s concerns you may be in a better position to address them directly. Many grandparents tell me that their “constructive criticism” stems from anxiety about their children or grandchildren. They worry that their adult son or daughter is in over their head, lacking the knowledge, patience, or commitment to “properly” address their childrens’ challenges and needs so they step in–
28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2019
[ PARENTING ] uninvited. (By the way, we do this with our kids, spouses,
I have a request to make, and I hope you’ll honor it. You
and friends, too! I call it Crashing the Party.)
can tell me what you’re worried about with the kids, but then I want you to respect that I am hearing you and
Anxiety can cause us to turn common problems into
taking into account your concerns, even if I approach
imagined futures that are troubled and bleak. For
the situation in a way that you don’t agree with. Can we
instance, if little Cathy tends to whine, Grandma may
try that out?”
decide that she’ll never have friends because she can’t cope with not getting her way. By trying to convince
Be simple, direct, and to the point; avoid delivering a
her adult daughter or son to be more firm with their little
long list of complaints about the many times she has
girl, Grandma is attempting to deal with her own worries
questioned your parenting decisions.
about Cathy’s future. Of course, no matter how old we are, it’s easy to revert Of course, children who are whiners at three don’t usually end up living bleak and lonely lives. Still, the mind can tell all kinds of stories about what our children’s lives will be like based on their behavior today, and grandparents are not immune to this phenomena. The fix? The next time your mother offers unsolicited advice about what to do when little Cathy starts whining, resist the urge to defend your approach. Instead, ask her to tell you what she’s afraid will happen if the behavior continues. By getting her fears out into the open you can more successfully–and compassionately–address them. First, acknowledge what she has shared: “I understand you’re afraid that if we don’t scold Cathy for whining, she may end up friendless. I appreciate how much you love Cathy and how important it is to you that she know the joy of having good friends.”
to feeling like a child when our parents criticize us. But this is part of the ongoing work of becoming an adult. Recognize the self-doubt or insecurity that gets triggered when your mother delivers unsolicited advice. Acknowledge the desire you have for her approval. Allow yourself to feel sad when she comes across as critical. These are complicated human emotions, and perfectly normal. We never stop growing, and growing up. While it may be tempting to shout at your mother when she criticizes you or tie yourself up in knots as you try convince her that you’re being a good mom, neither is necessary. Identify the anxiety that may be fueling your mother’s constructive criticism, and acknowledge it directly–as an a adult. I promise you, the practice will come in handy. You may well need it when your own kids grow up and have children of their own!
Then make your request–as an adult! “Mom, I’m very glad you take an interest in your grandkids and want
We all need support to be the parents we want to
you to be a big part of our lives. You’ve helped me
be. Check out my Parenting Without Power Struggles
in so many ways. (Here, you may want to list two or
Monthly Membership Program to learn how to apply the
three things you’ve learned about parenting from your
strategies I’ve developed over thirty years of working with
mother.)
children and parents to your real life challenges.
And when you let your worries run loose, it puts me in
You can also join our Facebook page; I post ideas and
a position of trying to manage them. That’s too much
tips nearly every day. Thank you for taking steps to learn
pressure.
and grow as a parent! DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
WHERE CURIOSITY TAKES YOU Step inside a tornado, turn upside down in a giant curved mirror, walk on a fog bridge, and explore more than 650 hands-on exhibits for visitors of all ages. You’ll find all of this plus unique programs; a café and restaurant; two stores; and more at our beautiful San Francisco bayside location. Now through September 3rd, don’t miss Inflatable: Expanding Works of Art—where gigantic, fantastical air-filled artworks reimagine what air can become. Inflatable is included with museum admission. Pier 15 on the Embarcadero •
exploratorium.edu/visit
30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | DECEMBER 2019
Rated #1 Museum in San Francisco
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Preschool
Education is a Lifelong Commitment
®
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NOW ENROLLING Join our Open House every Wednesday! www.QuarryLane.org/Preschool
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PLEASANTON WEST CAMPUS Preschool and Pre-Kindergarten 4444B Black Ave., Pleasanton, CA
925.462.6300
Full and Half Day Schedules Computer, Spanish, Music, P.E., and Library Two Preschool Campuses in Pleasanton
PLEASANTON EAST CAMPUS Toddler through Pre-Kindergarten 3750 Boulder St., Pleasanton, CA
925.846.9400
DECEMBER 2019 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31 CA Licenses: 013411303, 013411304, 013411305, 013417681