Hanover Review Inc. P.O. Box 343 Hanover NH, 03755
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DISTORT D’NEWSA: THE SATIRE ISSUE
PRESIDENT PHIL HANLON supports what is certainly not “fake news”
Image Courtesy of the College Republicans
East Wheelock Suspended CR to Build Over Hazing Allegations Border Wall T. O. Washington
Contributor Hazing has, and always will be, a part of any exclusive institution. Proponents of new member education stress that it gives students common experiences and facilitates bonding amongst people of different backgrounds, allowing new members to quickly cozy up with older brothers as well as new members. Additionally, if for nothing else, these events give students fun stories to share with their friends and, once they become alumni, reminisce about the crazy times they had at college to their children and future undergraduates. People take these
memories with them and look upon them fondly when reminiscing about their youth. Some people take this reminiscing a bit further and permanently etch their memories into certain areas on their bodies (anyone else smell burning flesh whenever Hanlon walks by?). Many Dartmouth students consider their pledge terms some of their best memories and attribute their intimacy with fellow undergraduates to these times. Opponents of hazing argue that it creates unhealthy power dynamics within societies and may cause bodily harm. I for one am extremely proud of my university for taking progressive
steps to reduce hazing. Unhealthy power dynamics are certainly to be avoided, and I’m glad that my college is teaching me to have “healthy” relationships with authority. I look for ward to going into the real world where I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I can’t wait to leave the messed-up reality found at Dartmouth where, sometimes, I have to do tasks I don’t really feel like doing. I shouldn’t have to bear any less than positive circumstances to get what I want. When will I ever need to keep my head down and tough it out to make my way up in life? Certainly not in the real world. That backwards think-
ing should be left to the cavemen in fraternities. I also whole-heartedly believe that people should not engage in anything that could risk bodily harm. After all, what good are our bodies except for carr ying our heads around. It’s not as if — I don’t know — we would have to use them to ever protect ourselves or fight for our rights or countr y. God forbid someone uses force to protect their loved ones instead of patiently empathizing and negotiating with those who want nothing but to harm the people they care about. Action is so toxically-masculine and barbaric.
> FEATURES PAGE 6
Bill Tickelson
Contributor Ann Coulter recently tweeted out her daily reminder that exactly zero feet of the border wall has been built during the Trump presidency. Recently, President Trump seemed to take her criticism to heart, but it ended in an unpopular government shutdown and an unclear declaration of a national emergency. Although the President of the United States appeared flustered in the face of obstructionist Democrats, and congressional Republicans seemed once more impotent in advancing the President’s agenda, Dartmouth College Republicans decided to take matters into their
own hands. “Originally we had planned on simply making a group contribution to the GoFundMe account that was created to help pay for the wall,” said the College Republicans president. ”But once we realized the fund was never going to reach their five billion dollar goal, we decided we needed to take matters into our own hands.” The organization first tried to take a group service trip to the southern border, but after being denied funding by COSO, many members realized that they could help advance the President’s agenda closer to home. “The Granite State is
> FEATURES PAGE 7
FAIR & BALANCED
OPAL REBRANDS AS ANAL
DDS DITCHES GREEN2GO
After Dinesh D’Souza spoke at Dartmouth last week, campus fell into chaos.
The Agency of New Advancment and Leadership will bring much excitement to campus.
Use of any container is wasteful, so students will now carry food with their hands.
> EDITORIAL PAGE 3
> FEATURES PAGE 8
> FEATURES PAGE 10
2 Wednesday – February 20, 2019
The Dartmouth Review
TABLE OF CONTENTS
OUTCASTS
DRINK
WRITE
DRINK
DRINK
“I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.” —William F. Buckley Jr.
For thirty-eight years, The Dartmouth Review has been the College’s most recycled newspaper and the only student opinion journal whose staff is illiterate. It is the oldest and most renowned campus publication in the nation, inpsiring hatred in most of our campus readers. Our staff members and alumni have won many awards, but no one really knows why. The Review aims to provide a voice for any student who has been told to stop talking over people in class, can’t forumlate a coherent argument, and wants to tell his helicopter mom he’s involved in something on campus. We stand for free speech as long as it’s our own, the God-given right to troll libs, and the conservative arts. Whatever your political leanings, we invite you to come lose yourself in a case of Shiner Bock and a bottle of Granite State Vodka. We’re looking for those with an empty social calendar, an inability to interact with women, and no desire to run for political office. Join us, and learn from Dartmouth’s unofficial school of involuntary celibacy.
“Please don’t associate with us.” —The Wall Street Journal “It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” —Ronald Reagan
Meetings held Mondays at 6:30 PM at our offices at 32 S. Main Street (next to Lou’s in the cave-like basement)
INSIDE THE ISSUE East Wheelock Suspended...................................................Page 1 CR to Build Border Wall Between VT and NH...............Page 1 Editorial: Fair & Balanced...................................................Page 3 OPAL Rebrands as ANAL....................................................Page 8 50 Shades of Politically Involved Students.......................Page 9 DDS Removes All To-Go Containers..............................Page 10 Carnival Has College-Sanctioned Events.......................Page 11
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KIM JONG UN READS THE REVIEW.
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Wednesday – February 20, 2019
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MASTHEAD & EDITORIAL EST. 1980
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win great triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” —Theodore Roosevelt
EDITORIAL BOARD
EDITORIAL
Editor-in-Chief
Fair & Balanced: What Really Happened
grammarly.com
Bartender Scotch Cara
Executive Editors Ayn Rand’s Cigarette Not Todd Heatherton
Senior Editors
Old, Conservative Evelyn Waugh Young, Gay Evelyn Waugh God (He’s very disappointed in you)
Associate Editors
Minor Campus Celebrity Major Campus Asshole
BUSINESS STAFF President
Nicolas Maduro
Vice Presidents Avarice Incompetence
ADVISORY Founders
Old and crotchety
Legal Counsel
Sue us and find out
Board of Trustees
Kirsten “Killary” Gillibrand, Shonda “Where’s the Plot?” Rhimes, Jake “Fake News” Tapper, Dinesh “Deranged” D’Souza, Laura “Ice Queen” Ingraham, Nelson “Not a Republican” Rockefeller, Bruce “Econ Bro” Rauner, Theodore “Not a Doctor” Geisel
NOTES Special thanks to William F. Buckley, Jr. Disclaimer: this entire issue is satire. Please take none of it seriously, but read into it what you will. The Editors of The Dartmouth Review welcome correspondence from readers concerning any subject, but prefer to publish letters that comment directly on material published previously in The Review. We reserve the right to edit all letters for clarity and length. Please submit letters to the editor by mail or email: dartmouthrevieweditor@gmail.com Or by mail at:
The Dartmouth Review P.O. Box 343 Hanover, NH 03755 (603) 643-4370
Please direct all complaints to: editor@thedartmouth.com
For those of you outside of Hanover in the first place. My eyes peaked out who are reading this, you may have from underneath my camouflage: Phil questioned the accuracy of the news Hanlon, his eyes glazed over in a trance, headlines about the recent protests and stood with a small crowd of administraverbal harassment of Dinesh D’Souza — tors, all in rainbow robes, as they imyou should. One news outlet claims to be molated a life-size cut-out of Dinesh. “fair and balanced,” and yet it is doing Escaping the ritual at the BEMA, I detotal injustice to the outright rioting on cided I would be safest if I could make Dartmouth’s campus right now. Bricks it back to the Review office, so I turned are flying, cars are overturned, and liber- onto East Wheelock street. The entrance al tears are causing flash floods through- to the Hood museum was littered with out Grafton Country. But The Dart- smashed Attic vases and a decapitated mouth Review is here to statue of Daniel Webset the matter straight. ster. An injured docent Late Monday night, sat against the buildI was suddenly awoing, offering me a swig ken by the screams of from his flask: “There’s a mob clad in Parisian no hard alcohol ban yellow vests that made if there’s no school!” Antifa look like a couAs soon as he said ple of playground bulthat, two S&S officers lies. The high-pitched in riot gear ran out of squeals broke my winthe building, slapped dow, covering me in the flask out of his hand glass. I sprang from my with a nightstick, and bed with grace, despite arrested him. One of the immediate peril I the officers looked at faced as a vaguely conme and said, “HPD has servative white male, An Oppressed Homosexual been eliminated. But, and threw on my Veryou can trust S&S to keep sace dressing gown and monogrammed Hanover socially just from now on.” slippers to go see what was the matter. I When I passed the Hanover Inn, the left my dorm in a hurry, but tripped over usual Black Lives Matter sign-holders rethe copy of The Review placed outside of mained resolute in their spot on the cormy door. After a quick fifteen minutes of ner, as if Dartmouth were not crumbling totally manly sobbing, I collected myself around them. Behind them, Baker Tower and ran out into the courtyard of East — the most oppressive of Dartmouth’s Wheelock, where Morton had once again phallic buildings — laid collapsed. been set aflame. A hoard of blondes in Making my way through the labCanada Goose jackets and “Exeter Acad- yrinth of overturned Priuses (AKA emy” caps sent up a volley of Molotov Prii) on Main Street, I finally apcocktails while screaming “DINESH IS proached the salvation of the ReOPPRESSING ME!” Across the street, a view office, now a sandbag-fortified platoon of social justice warriors cheered bunker. I approached with my hands as they laid siege to Alumni Gym — a raised, yelling, “I am socially liberal symbol of Dartmouth’s fatphobia. but fiscally conservative! Stand down!” Scared that they would recognize me “Welcome comrade,” said a young by my white-maleness, I ran in the di- man in a bright red MAGA helmet. rection of BEMA. Ditching my slippers I descended into the dark bowels in the snow, I felt like a modern Napo- of the building, the stairwell shaking leon fleeing Russia in the dead of win- with each not-so-far-off explosion, ter. Once at the BEMA, the cold of the and entered into the office. The room snow beneath my feet changed to the was littered with the limp bodies of burning heat of scorched copies of The College Republicans being treated for Dartmouth Review and fliers for the scratches (from falling), hearing loss Dinesh event. I dropped to the ground, (from screaming), and hurt feelings covering myself in the latest Review is- (from free speech). A stout, uniformed sue—a somber grin stretched its way man in a MAGA hat turned to me. across my dirtied face, touched that stu“My name is Colonel D’Souza. Weldents had actually picked up the copies come to the resistance.”
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GREEK LIFE UPDATES ALPHA CHI ALPHA Exciting news from the little green house on Webster! “First off, we’re not little. And we’re not green. We have a perfectly average sized house, and we are not jealous of any other house’s architecture out there,” commented a proud brother of Alpha Chi, “But yes, we’re very excited about our social climbing competition. We’ve been extensively training for several years now and believe that this is our time to shine. We will finally get the recognition we deserve. I mean, we’ve always been recognized as a top house. But now we’ll be the top house. Sig Nu won’t know what hit them.” Yes, it’s true. Alpha Chi Alpha will be hosting its first annual social climbing competition. Only brothers of the house are welcome to apply. The brother further commented on the implications of what being the winners of their own social climbing team means for the house: “We’re no longer a NARP house. I mean, we were never a NARP house. We have members of the rock-climbing team and hella people in the DOC. We are all born athletes. That’s why we have beach party every winter—gotta show off our sick abs and delts.” After finding out that Theta Delta Chi—a fraternity with actual athletes in it—hosts the occasional pig roast, Alpha Chi has also made the groundbreaking decision to double the size of the house’s stick for Pigstick. When asked to comment on this choice, each brother asked simply responded with confusion as “the stick has always been that big.”
BETA ALPHA OMEGA After several years of struggling with complex emotions surrounding their own feelings of inadequacy, the brothers of Beta Alpha Omega have finally found a way to manage their inferiority complex. Beta’s national chapter has agreed to remove beta—a lesser letter—from its letters. The fraternity will now be known as Alpha. “We’re the best, so we need the best letter. We hear that Alpha Chi is trying to social climb with some competition or something and we can’t let that happen,” commented a representative of the fraternity. “Our leadership proposed this drastic measure and we followed through with it.” As Beta is a local fraternity, The Review questioned as to the need to get the national organization of Beta to make this change. The answer was...odd...to say the least: “When we talk to people who did not go to Dartmouth, they do not know that we are a local organization. It is unacceptable that anyone would ever consider us second-best. We need the national organization to become Alpha so that everyone we meet knows that we are the best.”
BONES GATE Ah, the brothers, scholars, and philosophers of BonesGate. They’ve been through so much this past term. After realizing that they had gone through their supply of ket-
amine, the brothers of BG abandoned their armchairs, declared Chemistry Majors, and were recognized as the #1 academic house after they all received extra credit for successfully completing some advanced synthesis independent research. Immediately following this success, strange phenomenon started happening to their Webster Avenue abode. First, there was a dog fight. Or, rather, a fight about a dog. Half of the brothers swore that they adopted a dog. The other brothers swore that the house did not adopt a dog. Some brothers said that they had seen a dog, but there was no proof. As a precaution, all spot remover was banned in the house. Second, all of the brothers moved into the Hood Museum after a lab accident where they dropped some acid. When asked why they made such an odd decision, a brother replied that they could not find their home—it was lost to the great woods of New Hampshire. For hours they tried and tried to find it. But, alas, they could not. When someone took a brother by his hand to the front door, the brother ran in terror from what he described as “a big, scary mushroom breathing fire, man.” Spot was nowhere to be seen. Third, in the wee hours of the night, the house was blown up after a failed attempt to create meth. Only time can tell whether the brothers of Bonesgate will recover from this sobering experience.
GAMMA DELTA CHI After all taking the same Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies course and ridding themselves of toxic masculinity, the brothers of GDX have decided to all quit the football team in favor of participating in an NCAA-approved sport: Powderpuff. This shocking change meant that the Dartmouth Cheerleading Team has some amazing new blood. However, this change was short-lived. After Vespas were banned in New Hampshire following the recall, all of these new players promptly transferred to Cornell. Interested in block rushing Gamma Delta Chi? Interested in joining the football team? Now is your time to shine. It is such a shame for all of these young men to leave campus. They made such valuable contributions to pong and Dartmouth Athletics.
THETA DELTA CHI As anyone who has ever ventured to Theta Delta Chi knows, there is a friendly neighborhood church in close proximity. After being influenced by this church, TDX has implemented a new policy: all individuals dancing in the basement must now “leave room for Jesus.” In order to assist with this policy, TDX will have free clothing from the housing communities for dancers to wear to dissuade anyone from being sexually attracted to one another. Lights will only ever be kept on in the basement. The only music available will be Kidz Bop and religious hymns. Instead of Keystone, TDX will only provide lukewarm herbal tea for its patrons. In addition to these new regulations to their physical space, the brothers of Theta Delt have taken a vow of celibacy
to regulate themselves. Upon hearing the news, brothers at Psi U, with tears in their eyes, poured one out for their best lays. Due once again to their guilt complex, all brothers of TDX have become SAPAs. There are also rumors of a children’s novel in the works titled “Boom Boom Lodge” meant to educate younglings on potty training
KAPPA KAPPA KAPPA A war is going on inside of Tri Kap. After David Duke sued the local fraternity Kappa Kappa Kappa for trademark infringement. This overturned the precedent set in a past court case that Tri Kap brought against the Ku Klux Klan wherein the judge ruled that the English “K” was different from the Greek letter “kappa.” The Classics Department will hold a counseling session complete with therapy dogs for those individuals affected by the injustice of the new court ruling. The members of Tri Kap have no chance but to rename themselves. Half of the house is in favor of becoming Iota Rho Alpha (IRA). The other half of the house is in favor of rebranding as Alpha Alpha (AA) after realizing a quick-six epidemic. The members in AA state unequivocally that nobody will understand the IRA joke. The IRA cohort states that it would be ridiculous for Ivy League educated students to have not heard of the prominent Irish domestic terrorist organization and not understand how the KKK–IRA joke is freaking hysterical. The AA members were frustrated with this impasse and took several shots of Granite State Vodka to cope with the tension inside of the house. Another point of tension that was raised was whether Tri Kap could survive the loss of their Kappas. Some brothers like being Kappas— “even though it’s not our full letters, I love using my Kappa tote bag. It’s iconic. If i’m not a (Tri) Kappa, then I’ll look like an idiot using my tote bag.” commented a brother, ’20. “It’s all about aesthetics.”
SIGMA ALPHA EPSILON More like Σ A.. Δ!
SIGMA NU This year, Dartmouth’s Delta Beta chapter of Sigma Nu made the groundbreaking decision to take a full pledge class. Immediately following this influx of new pledges… excuse me, new members…the new blood took over the house. As of this term, Sigma Nu has voted to go local and rename itself Nu Sigma Epsilon. “We’re the Nu Sig Ep! I mean, just Sig Ep. We have a bunch of new parties planned to bring to campus. Like pop punk. Nobody’s ever done pop punk before. We also have Sigma Brews. We did that before, but nobody knew we existed,” commented an anonymous ’19. For the first time in eons, Sig Ep has seen people ac-
EVEN JESUS... WE ALL KNOW THIS ISN’T TRUE
The Dartmouth Review
tually trying to get into the house for more than a circuit. For the old members of Sig Nu, this has been quite a jarring transition. Not only do they have to complete actual cleans of the basement, but they have to actually coordinate shifts for who will work on the door.
SIGMA PHI EPSILON Ah. They had to give up the ship. Some claim to see lights on and ghostly sounds of revelry emanating from the house late at night...especially during Winter Carnival...but such reports are unverified. There have been rumors that a new house, Tau Delta Rho, is in talks to purchase the property. These rumors have only been bolstered by the newly constructed t-shirt cannon on the front porch with the sole purpose of launching issues of The Dartmouth Review to President Hanlon’s doorstep.
PHI DELTA ALPHA After being named as the #1 House for Architecture in The Jack-O, Phi Delt has decided that the inside of its house must look as good as the outside of its house. Accordingly, for the first time in history, Phi Delt will be cleaning its basement. To pay for the several metric tons of bleach needed to clean the basement, Phi Delt has become New Hampshire’s largest exporter of bacon just in time for the Class Pig to retire. However, this entrepreneurial excitement was short lived. After announcing that pledges… sorry— “new members”…would be responsible for cleans, the entire class of ’21s revolted and depledged the house. More recently, Phi Delt was required by the Office of Greek Life to become coeducational. This caused a mass panic among current members of the house. Some brothers were seen with tears in their eyes groveling over a t-shirt reading “Girls are pretty but hard to talk to” in an Inter-Fraternity Council meeting in an attempt to get the Office of Greek Life to reverse its decision.
Wednesday – February 20, 2019
Heorots are afraid of bears, there are talks of their excitement to be learning at an institution that does not contain scary bears that will climb trees outside of their house. When asked to comment on this astounding honor, a representative brother of Heorot responded with a confused “Who is Rhodes?”
PSI UPSILON White meat be praised! After reflecting on several years of mistreatment, the President of Psi Upsilon Fraternity has decided to pardon a turkey. “We just began to think about our impact on the world around us,” commented a representative of the house. “More and more of our brothers have begun participating in FoCo’s ‘Meatless Monday’ and we’ve had such positive results with that. At Wednesday night meetings, we often have a share circle where we open up to one another about what we’re feeling. Emotional openness is a paramount characteristic of the brothers here. A few brothers started voicing concern about all the harm that we’ve inflicted on poultry. We wouldn’t just eat turkey — we’d grill it and fry it and, worst of all, stuff it. By
the end of the conversation, we just couldn’t bear the thought of not publicly confronting our meat consumption. That’s why our President will pardon a turkey.” To avoid any concerns that Psi U brothers would deflate their egos and care more about animals who are not in the fraternity following this one-time event, Psi U will be renaming themselves “Psi Me.”
ZETA PSI Zeta Psider has been corrupted! As the Zete alcohol and programming budget has run low, they have begun replacing hard cider with apple juice. The Dartmouth Review only discovered this after a long, intense investigation into on-campus alcohol consumption with the purpose of convincing our staff that nobody actually drinks Granite State Vodka. Nobody realized that there was no alcohol at Zete’s “well-known” social event as only bored freshmen ever attend Zeta Psider. At this point in time, Zete is still not relevant enough for The Review to diss more than once. We acknowledge that this seems suspiciously similar to a pot calling a kettle black... but we will just ignore that.
CARTOON
CHI GAMMA EPSILON The entire Chi Gam brother has been admitted to Dick’s House after each member spent upwards of a minute in their hot tub. While brothers claim that the hot tub has, in fact, been cleaned recently, it has become clear that it was not. The concentrated plague has drawn the attention of the Center for Disease Control. When investigating the outbreak, the CDC reported that it had never seen any disease like it before—”it’s like three different type of sexually transmitted diseases in a single strand. It’s like one virus had sex with a strand of a different virus, and those two viruses human-centipeded the third virus. Weird man…just weird” commented the head investigator. Campus is extremely confused about this development. After all, sexually transmitted diseases can only be transmitted one way… right? So, someone would have had to have sex in the hot tub. There are some questions here. First and foremost: lube people. Lube. Use it. Second— and more pressing—did someone in Chi Gam have sex? How did that happen? There are rumors that some brothers of the house have had sex before. Some of them have even had sex more than once. But could enough people have sex in the hot tub for the hot tub to get infected? Amidst all of this confusion, one thing is certain: the brothers of Chi Gam will think twice about skipping cleans after this chilling (and burning) experience.
“I don’t know which is worse: The Review’s attempt at satire or the D’s attempt at an opinion page...”
CARTOON
CHI HEOROT In a stunning turn of events, the brothers of Chi Heorot have chosen to combine their minds to form a single Rhodes Scholar. This comes after their pledge class’s courageous decision to declare a single English Major under the assumption that if they all worked together, they could each learn a single letter of the alphabet. We at The Dartmouth Review could not be more proud of these brothers for improving upon themselves to such a degree. Without a doubt, the Rhodes Scholarship will present an extraordinary opportunity for these true intellectuals to shine and flex their academic muscles. As
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“Intersectional feminism has gotten way too mainstream for me.”
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FEATURES
East Wheelock Suspended Over Hazing Allegations > CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
We at Dartmouth only live the life of the mind. Why bother strain ourselves in any way and teach toughness and discipline when students ought to be coddled? Regardless of anyone’s opinion of it, Dartmouth’s current administration has made eliminating hazing from voluntary student groups one of its main missions. Though most recent efforts have identified fraternities as sources of hazing (sororities don’t haze… what are
by the piercing screeches and calls that were yelled at them throughout the event. Once their group had all completed this part of the ceremony, they were led to a different floor up a few flights of stairs. The pigeons were led one-by-one into a small room where they engaged in a practice known as “bird-feeding,” wherein a phoenix would drink a copious amount of alcohol and regurgitate it into the mouth of a pigeon. This long process
“East Wheelock has been suspended following claims that freshmen were forced to engage in a “fiery rebirth” ceremony to be officially inducted into the housing system on the anniversary of Morton Hall’s reopening.” you talking about?) it seems the college has recently been made aware of a huge blind spot in its efforts to fight the scourge of pledge-dom. During a failed attempt to investigate fraudulent claims of hazing at fraternities, investigators seem to have found an unlikely source of new member coercion. East Wheelock has been suspended following claims that freshmen were forced to engage in a “fiery rebirth” ceremony to be officially inducted into the housing system on the anniversary of Morton Hall’s reopening. Freshmen, referred to by older members as “pigeons,” were ordered to participate in a ceremony called the “phoenix birth.” Earlier on in the night, “pigeons” were unexpectedly pulled from their rooms by older “phoenixes” dressed up in bird costumes obscuring their identities. These older members would approach and surround the freshman, gifting them a bottle of fireball which they were to finish as fast as they could whilst being jeered on by bird calls. The freshmen were then blindfolded and led to an unknown location described as “hot and smoky”. Here, they were covered with a glue-like substance and told to walk over burning coals while being repeatedly hit with pillows, feathers flying everywhere. The interviewed freshmen repeatedly mentioned the ringing in their ears caused Mr. Washington, contrary to popular belief, is a remarkably subpar axeman.
was concluded by a group of phoenixes lowering the pigeon into a bathtub filled with ashes preserved from the original Morton hall, singing a hymnal chant of unknown origin. The pigeons were told to hold their breaths and were buried under the ashes until finally the head phoenix, reportedly the house professor, pulled the student from the ashes and removed their blindfolds. The room would fill with cheering and the student would be led outside to the top floor, where they were served hibachi. It seems however that not all freshmen went through the same experience. One freshman alleged that he was tied to a tree and left alone for an hour or so, only to have a phoenix come and sit on him for the duration of the night. Though the process was uncomfortable, this freshman did appreciate the warmth and sense of intimacy it brought. Another student claimed that she’d been forced to walk like a chicken for an extended period of time and was pecked whenever she stopped to take a break. The new students had mixed reviews of the event. A select few outright condemned it, expressing frustration and anger that hazing existed at such a fundamental level on campus. Most students, surprisingly, spoke positively of the event. One anonymous freshman was quoted as saying that “the event allowed me to get in touch with my avian side. It’s as if I’ve discovered this new part of me that I never realized I had before. I never understood
my urges to leap off high places and squawk at my friends.” Other new members described it as a life-changing experience that made them feel more at home: “I was initially nervous about fitting in at Dartmouth. I come from a small town more or less in the middle of nowhere, so I was worried about finding common ground with people. Now that I know my fellow phoenixes and I have all gone through this same experience, I feel less apprehension about talking to them, learning about their backgrounds, and eating their regurgitated food.” Some students were possibly ambivalent about the event and responded to interview requests with loud screeching or light pecking. There were a few injuries associated with the event, though most were minor. A few students went to Dick’s house with burnt feet and ripped skin. One more serious injury occurred when, following the conclusion of the rebirthing ceremony, a student attempted to take flight from the roof and landed in a snow bank. The student later revealed that he had taken LSD earlier that day. It seems as though the issue of hazing isn’t limited to
FLYER retrived from Morton Hall Image Courtesy of the scary Morton UGA
petition, where older members hurled fish at the freshman. The freshman who caught the most by the end, they were told,
King’s Cup. Players took turns drawing playing cards with each number or face representing a different task. The Mars
“North Park, whose mascot is a polar bear, forced their freshman to endure a series of thematic tasks. After drinking copious amounts of Coors Lite (all bears drink Coors), the students were pushed into performing a polar plunge...” the East Wheelock Residential Community. Numerous other reports have been emerging of similar incidents of hazing throughout the residential communities, each themed accordingly. North Park, whose mascot is a polar bear, forced their freshman to endure a series of thematic tasks. After drinking copious amounts of Coors Lite (all bears drink Coors), the students were pushed into performing a polar plunge, where they were made to swim across a cut-out portion of the frozen Connecticut river and bear crawl back over in the nude. They were then chased into trees by older members of the house community where they were pelted with snowballs. Shortly afterwards, the freezing freshmen were blindfolded and taken to a remote unknown location. Here, they were given more alcohol and participated in a blind-fish catching com-
would “stay warmer during the hibernation.” This hibernation came later, where the group was brought to an igloo, where they were to spend the rest of the night “hibernating” in sub-freezing temperatures. Though the freshman were offered warm clothes, one still refused to wear anything but a t-shirt and basketball shorts. West House had the longest night of all. House Professor and Astrophysicist Hickox led his new members through a marathon astronomically-themed night. The night began with a ceremony to Jupiter, ruler of the Roman gods and more or less the equivalent of the Greek god of thunder, Zeus. The freshmen were forced to play the drinking game “thunder” in which individuals take turns drinking to the beat of ACDC’s “Thunderstruck.” The Saturn event involved the playing of the game, “Ring of Fire,” more commonly known as
event, being dedicated to the god of war, pitched students in a series of combat-sports such as wrestling and boxing. The Venus event involved the taping of two people’s hands together around a champagne bottle, commonly known on campus as a “wedding tails” theme. Students were told to steal various items from campus in the Mercury event, though these were all returned early the next morning. The Neptune event required freshmen to stand still as they were pelted with water balloons and shot with water guns. A few students mentioned that some of the liquid was unsettlingly warm. Perhaps fortunately, the night was interrupted by Safety and Security officers before the Uranus event, and the relieved and exhausted freshmen were sent home. School House, perhaps most cruel of all, forced freshmen to live in the Lodge.
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FEATURES
College Republicans To Build Border Wall Between Vermont and New Hampshire
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is under attack,” College Republicans said in a statement released last week. “Right now, a caravan of hundreds of socialists are marching toward our western border. The illegal Vermonters are bringing with them high taxes, single-payer health care, and balding Brooklynites with wild hand gestures. Some, we assume,
dia article about the Supreme Court case Vermont v. New Hampshire. “It turns out that the border isn’t in the middle of the river after all,” he said. “It is actually on the west bank of the river at the mean low water mark. None of us knew what that meant, but thankfully we had a Geography major
construction supply shortage and decided to make the long journey to Norwich to buy more supplies. Halfway there the duo called a friend on campus who came and picked them up in a Zipcar and transported them the rest of the way into the village. A half hour later, the students came back with a pre-fabricated, partial-assembly-required border wall. When asked how they found such a convenient niche product, one of the students simply shrugged, “We went to Dan & Witts. If they don’t have it, you don’t need it.” After working with the pre-fabricated barrier for a few hours, the club members hit a wall. “It all started when one guy realized that he got a little bit of mud on his Beans,” said one club member. “After that, someone else realized she had a small tear in her Canada Goose coat.” An ar-
who told us which side West is, and we crossed the bridge and got to work.” After a couple of hours of hard manual labor, the materials for the wall were nearly depleted, and the club was not yet finished building. A couple of brave members noticed the
gument then broke out about appropriate clothing for such a construction project. One disgruntled member implored his fellows to wear cheaper clothing. The other member indignantly reminded his compatriot that only poor people wear cheap clothing.
CR member. “We got down there and almost gave up because we assumed that the border ran directly through the middle of the river. That was dejecting because none of us wanted to go out onto the ice, especially with cinder blocks.” Luckily for the Republicans, one faithful ‘20 got on his phone and found a Wikipe-
“We must build a big, beautiful wall on our Vermont border to protect Dear Old Dartmouth and the state we call home every day except Election Day.” are good people. Nonetheless, we must build a big, beautiful wall on our Vermont border to protect Dear Old Dartmouth and the state we call home every day except Election Day.” The club then sent out an email to Campus Events soliciting labor and materials to begin constructing the wall. Shortly after securing the necessary funds, the club marched triumphantly down Wheelock Street with cinder blocks in tow, fully prepared to build a wall stretching hundreds of miles. When they reached Ledyard Bridge, however, they realized they had a problem. “None of us accounted for the Connecticut River,” said one Mr. Tickelson is a student at the College and is primarily concerned with not throwing his back out on his backswing.
“It is actually on the west bank of the river at the mean low water mark. None of us knew what that meant, but thankfully we had a Geography major who told us which side West is.”
“That’s when it hit us,” said the CR president, “manual labor is for the poor. It makes so much sense when you think about it: their personal belongings are worth less, so it doesn’t matter as much if their clothes get dirty, or if they can’t spend much time at their home because of the long hours they work.” The leadership of College Republicans decided to use this revelation to inspire a learning
tled. One particularly angry member submitted to an interview on the condition of anonymity. “We aren’t getting paid enough for our work,” he said. “You can barely live off of what they are paying us. Honestly, I think we are worth at least fifteen dollars an hour.” His sentiment was not unique, however, and soon a faction of workers split from the group and demanded higher wages,
“They just dropped their tools one day and left,” said the club secretary. “They came back with picket signs that said the most outrageous things. Completely unreasonable. So we just fired them— even the ones that weren’t striking.” opportunity. They gave their workers the rest of the day off but asked them to come back the next day dressed up as, and acting like, poor people. “We thought it would be a great way to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes,” said the club treasurer. “After all, Dartmouth is about bridging divides between people and tearing down barriers.” The College Republicans reconvened the next morning on the bank of the Connecticut, and the faux-working-class laborers got to work. This trend continued for a few days, and the club began to make tangible progress with the wall. By the end of the week, however, the workers became disgrun-
safer working conditions, and paid family leave. “They just dropped their tools one day and left,” said the club secretary. “They came back with picket signs that said the most outrageous things. Completely unreasonable. So we just fired them— even the ones that weren’t striking.” When pressed on the issue, he explained, “Look, I have a lot of friends from the Bay Area. They know a lot of undocumented individuals that are more than happy to work for less than minimum wage. It’s great work for them, and it’s cheap labor for us. Really, it’s a great system. The best. We’re flying in another planeload tomorrow.”
8 Wednesday – February 20, 2019
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OPAL Rebrands as ANAL, ASS Expands ASS. I will invest in the ASS. ANAL is just the next step for ASS. ANAL will transform an ASS into a fun, unique experience for our student body.” “We’ll need to go slow with ANAL,” Mr. Bates commented. “Dick is so excited to really start pushing ANAL on the student population. But change is hard. ANAL will be hard. People are just so used to OPAL.”
“The hands represent community. The concentric circles on the inside represent the new ASS that ANAL will make. It’s bigger. It’s better. It can just fit more students in it!” ANAL is set to expand programming in the coming months. While the exact content of what will be in the ASS is unknown, it is clear that one exciting new activity will be food focused. ANAL will be
It is clear that this rebranding initiative is a worthy use of the College’s money. Although it will take time to replace the stickers, t-shirts, water bottles, scarves, keychains, sweatpants, hats, pocket knives, couches, sneakers, bedroom tables, blankets, DVD covers, tightie-whities, stress balls, shot glasses, and socks that all have the old OPAL logo embroidered, screen printed, or engraved on it, the time and money spent will be well worth it. After all, it is the obligation of a college — a place of education meant to facilitate critical thinking — to ensure that the entirety of the student body can clothe themselves in swaths of coordinated clothing… just like NASCAR! “Branding is not just skin deep,” remarked Hanlon. “Branding is about having an organization’s likeness permeate your very soul. This is why the College must invest so heavily in all of the free gear for students. In order to ensure that the housing communities do not become exclusive and harm other community-building organizations on this campus, we must double-down our rebranding efforts across campus. Every student should wear something that says ‘ANAL’ on it. Everybody has to have
working with Dartmouth Dining Services to expand healthy eating on campus. Cox released the following statement to us on the new collaboration: “It might be a little bit wet and messy, but we’re overwhelmed with anticipation about our new tossed salad program! Students can walk into a safe space and learn how tossing a salad works. We’ll
“Branding is not just skin deep,” remarked Hanlon.
OPAL Will soon be Agency of New Advancement and Leadership
Scotch M. Cara
Bartender
Last winter, The Dartmouth Review, in an article titled “Dartmouth S&S Rebrands as S&M” proudly announced that Dartmouth College’s Department of Safety and Security’s had chosen to rebrand as the College’s Department of Safety and Magnanimity. In the past year, S&M has whipped this campus into shape — Good Sam’s are down, campus is safer, and the Blue Light Emergency System around campus has switched to a much easier to understand red light system. Students have embraced the “safe words for safe rides” program and have truly bonded with their favorite S&M officers.
Image courtesy of Dartmouth College
tian Bates — to look in to rebranding their own office. Mr. Bates and OPAL Dean Richard Cox settled on a new name: The Agency of New Advancement and Leadership.
To have ANAL be successful, you need an abundance of ASS. This is why I am passionate about all of the ASS at Dartmouth.
Dean Cox stated in a press release that “ANAL has come to be a cornerstone in the Dartmouth student experience. Prospective students know that ANAL will be a place for them to go to let off some stress during term and to be supported during their most demanding moments of term. I love it when students come rushing in
I love it when students come rushing in to our office exclaiming “I need Dick! Where’s Dean Cox?”
We also reported that The Office of Pluralism and Leadership had approached S&M’s Head of Rebranding — ChrisMs. Cara is a student at the College and will absolutely judge you for your whisky tastes.
for alternative social spaces, ANAL’s future, and rebranding initiatives at the College: “It was in my time at Dartmouth that I grew passionate for branding. A few years pri-
to our office exclaiming ‘I need Dick! Where’s Dean Cox?’” This initiative has drawn attention from none other than President Phillip J. Hanlon. In an interview, President Hanlon spoke about how this project combined his excitement
or to my matriculation, the fraternity I ended up joining renamed itself as it went local. Being Alpha Delta — rather than Alpha Delta Phi — was our brand. But we were a mouthful. Being widely known as AD was less painful. Acronyms are the way of the future. This is why I’m working with Mr. Bates to transform the term “alternative social spaces” into ASS. ASS is just more fun in your mouth. I also believe in ANAL. To have ANAL be successful, you need an abundance of ASS. This is why I am passionate about all of the ASS at Dartmouth. In the past, Dartmouth has seen many a small ASS overruled by fraternities. Today, we see a large percentage of the student population enjoying Dartmouth’s large, myriad ASS. I love our
S&M was just the beginning of this exploration, and ANAL is certainly not the end of the College’s experiments. provide all sorts of dressings — ranch, 1000 island, Italian dressing, caeser, and lemon yogurt — and teach students about how much dressing is too much for a salad. We’ve found that students often just put too much on their salad for them to eat. That leads to food waste! In the future, we’ll expand our food program to offer the following activities: taking students to fish markets, providing a sailor’s cup of tea in the afternoon to anyone who walks in to our office, classes
“Dick is so excited to really start pushing ANAL on the student population. But change is hard. ANAL will be hard. People are just so used to OPAL.” ANAL. Everybody has to be exposed to ANAL.” When asked to comment on the new shorts that contained the new logo, students had quite a lot to say. An unnamed ’22 remarked that he was a huge fan of the new logo: “Although the shorts need to air out quite a bit to get rid of that weird chemical smell, I’m a fan of the new logo. The old OPAL logo had separated dots on it. I always thought that the design should have more connections… more central spaces. This new ANAL logo is awesome!” “Oh, we just knew that everyone would love the new logo!” Mr. Bates exclaimed.
on how to deseed a cherry, and printing out diagrams on how to correctly butter a muffin and placing them around campus.” Time will only tell how successful this rebranding will be. One can only hope that ANAL can accomplish all that the administration has claimed that it will. While there is a lot of uncertainty surrounding what the general population’s reaction will be to ANAL, one thing is certain: it does not seem like the College’s initiative to invest in rebranding is at all close to over. S&M was just the beginning of this exploration, and ANAL is certainly not the end of the College’s experiments.
The Dartmouth Review
Wednesday – February 20, 2019
9
FEATURES
50 Shades of Politically Involved Students Scotch M. Cara Conrad Kissenger
Contributors and BartendCollege Republicans 1. “I’m going to make College Republicans so Republican it gets kicked off campus” 2. “Do you think we can bring Sean Spicer to speak?” 3. “Those two carnal lesbians were making out during the speech! Revolting.” 4. “I’m not homophobic I once walked into Sig Ep.” 5. “Dinesh has such striking eyes.” 6. “How dare anyone have sex.” 7. *smiles during all of Lingerie* 8. *brings second pair of underwear to Lingerie* 9. “Tabard is for heathens” 10. “The Review is full of liberals.” 11. “MAGA!” 12. “Just because I’m not American it doesn’t mean that I can’t be a Republican. Right?” 13. “What do you mean you’re deporting me?!” 14. “50 bucks and I’ll sleep with a Dartmouth College Democrat!” 15. “The memes on DMFCAFT are so offensive. I’m not extra virgin.” 16. “I just want to make a bunch of money in finance and then become governor of Ohio.” 17. “Why don’t people like us?” “We need to be cooler.” 18. “That’s a lower class problem.” 19. “I think this velvet Mr. Kissinger and Ms. Cara have no patience for anything less than Monkey 47 and Aberlour
cloak really accentuates my figure.”
College Democrats 20. “I just wanna show everyone how much Dartmouth cares!” 21. “Who is Baronet? Someone was running against Garrett?” 23. “Some people say I look like Hilary Clinton.” 24. “Dartmouth College Democrats is the premier political organizations at Dartmouth College” 25. “Dartmouth College Democrats frequently bring relevant speakers to campus” 26. “The President of Dartmouth Democrats and the Editor-in-Chief of the Review walk into a bar…” 27. *sobs* “I’m still with her” 28. “Hating Ivanka Trump is, like, the first rule of feminism” 29. “Omg my life is over I slept with a College Republican last night.” 30. “They can have sex?” 31. “The Green New Deal is such an elegant bill… those long, dense clauses really get me going.” 32. “Oh my gosh, I met her when I was a first-year fellow!” 33. “This is my third Hillternship… why haven’t they made me a senator yet?” 34. “A KAPPA IS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT! This will be SO good for diverse representation in our government!” 35. “Part of being an ally is confronting your privilege. That’s why I know I need to do better when I get drunk and listen to rap music.”
HANLON Tells us how he really feels about the Greek System
A FEUD LIKE NO OTHER But there’s enough shade to go around 36. “Phil Hanlon has such striking eyes. I love his hard… alcohol ban. So supportive. So just.” College Libertarians 37. “Look! I bought a Whiskey Rebellion Flag on Amazon for $5 to use up my giftcard!” 38. “Why can’t we start the Dartmouth College Independents? You wouldn’t even have to be libertarian.” 39. “I’m not saying that taxation is theft, but taxation is most certainly theft.” 40. “Dammit get the government out of my freakin’ go-
nads” 41. “I love the Government Department.” 42. “Nobody for President 2020!” 43. “My libertarianism has just turned into an ode to crazy alcoholic farmers who don’t want to pay taxes” 44. “I need ‘don’t tread on me’ men’s dress socks” 45. “Why can’t New Hampshire secede? #FreeStateProject” 46. “DDS is socialist.” 11. “Do you ever think that Parkhurst looks like the Kremlin?” 47. “Legalize it, man”
Image courtesy of Vix Dojo 48. “Vermont might be leftist but at least it hates the government as much as we do.” 49. “S&S is fascist.” 50. “I think the government should just stay shutdown.”
10 Wednesday – February 20, 2019
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DDS Removes All To-Go Containers
GREEN2GO CONTAINER Once heralded as environmentally friendly, but now we know better.
Edmund Pontellier Contributor This week in an official press release, the Dartmouth Dining Service (DDS) announced an ambitious new plan to promote sustainability across campus’ numerous dining halls: “As of
in customers electing to order their food “for here,” and that has left management extremely encouraged. “We have evidently succeeded in creating a safe space for students who are concerned about the environment,” they eagerly commented. “In fact, the number of students
“We will officially eliminating the use of all containers and food carrying vesicles of any kind. Instead, all meals will be served directly into students’ hands, ending the need for any unnecessary intermediaries.”
today, we will officially be eliminating use of all containers and food-carrying vesicles of any kind,” insisted the spokesperson. “Instead, all meals will be served directly into students’ hands, ending the need for any unnecessary intermediaries.” In an ingenious effort to purge a devilishly wasteful biproduct, the Dining Service will be connecting students with their meals in a manner that truly allows them to feel the full magnitude of their environmental impact. “By eradicating the need for dangerous plastics and the use of power-gobbling dishwashers,” said the spokesperson, “we’re hoping to see tangible changes in Dartmouth’s wastes and emissions.” Notably, after switching from portable disposable containers to Green2Go at the Courtyard Café last month, the popular dining hall saw a surge Mr. Pontellier has been writing for the Review since 1899.
electing for their food ‘to go’ has dropped to nearly zero! We never could have expected such a positive reaction.” After the announcement, The Review took a visit to some of campus’ dining halls to see for ourselves what students think of these new changes. Just outside of the Courtyard Café, one student eagerly strolled past carrying the day’s lunch special, the chicken bowl, a long-time Hop favorite. “I love the feel of the mashed potatoes between my fingers!” she commented, “and plus, the gravy acts as a nice handwarmer for my walk back to the River… good thing I forgot to bring my gloves!” As she turned to go, one of her chicken tenders tragically tumbled off onto the floor, but her distress was only momentary; it was a small price to pay in the struggle against climate change. In Collis, it only took a few seconds to notice a radical change in the eating culture. Not only was the ground notably littered with chicken tenders
and pork dumplings — perhaps drunk Dartmouth students are not as good at holding food as pong paddles — but everyone also seemed much more sociable. Notably, a single cell phone could not be spotted in use, a positive yet unexpected side-effect of the preoccupation of handheld meals. We asked one student to comment on her experience between slurps of her Collis pasta: “I mean, I guess I love it!” she spurted enthusiastically. “I spilled pasta sauce and stained my Bean Boots this morning, but it’s 100 percent worth it for the environmental impact. These boots are ex-
to nearly-raw catfish, everybody had arms full of delicious fares. One girl audibly shrieked after placing a freshly-undercooked FoCo cookie onto her palm, and across the corridor, a rowdy lacrosse player stood under the frozen yogurt dispenser as his teammates eagerly filled his mouth with milky delight. Students were audibly raving about the sustainability, and even the distraught rugby player trying to pour milk and cereal in his cupped hands didn’t shed a complaint. The next day at the Hop, we witnessed a particularly crunchy outdoorswoman
“I love the feel of the mashed potatoes between my fingers!” she commented, “and plus, the gravy acts as a nice handwarmer for my walk back to the River… good thing I forgot to bring my gloves!” pendable anyway, but on the other hand, the Earth definitely isn’t, and so yeah, I’m super happy about the change.” The next stop was the illustrious FoCo, and only steps into the door did we quickly encounter a student exiting the building bearing handfuls of General Tso’s Chicken. While he declined to comment on the record, he subtly mentioned something about the social liberation of sticky fingers before dropping his entire meal on the floor. We scurried away as to not be associated with such an oaf, and soon later we found ourselves amongst a crowd of hungry food-carriers. From stir-fry
eye her handheld salad with a nigh-orgasmic passion, and so we couldn’t help but to ask for a comment. “Oh, I just LOVE these new changes,” she raved. “It really connects me to my food on an almost existential level, as if I can now truly understand what’s behind the things I’m putting in my mouth. It feels as though I’ve scooped up these very leaves out of nature myself. Like, just imagine doing this with meat, to feel a chunk of dead animal flesh in your hands before gobbling it up like a savage… or, am I not supposed to use the word savage anymore? I’m not a racist… I swear!”
Courtesy of Dartmouth College Also at the Courtyard Café, we noticed a slight change in the layout; students were now paying for their food before ordering, as it must’ve been too difficult to pull out an ID card while grasping a tender queso in one hand and fries in the other. Considering the glaring problems that this caused concerning theft, we reached out to the Hop staff to see what they had to say. In our first attempt, Hop Mike would not give us a serious answer, but the second time around we were redirected to management, who said that they were “willing to pay the price to do the right thing for the Earth.” Truly, DDS staff members are martyrs against an oppressive, profit-driven capitalist system. While DDS has made great strides towards palpably improving sustainability, drinking containers are the unneglectable next step, and there are rumors that there are already plans in the works. According to one brother at SAE, a Dining Service email address purportedly reached out to the fraternity’s leadership, inquiring about purchasing their kiddie pools to be recycled as “communal beverage troughs.” While the thought of oversized dog bowls is certainly enthralling, the SAE brother appeared to be more emotionally moved by the assumption that they no longer used their kiddie pools. Regardless, it’s apparent that Dartmouth is setting the standard for sustainability in the dining halls, and we’re certainly excited for what more is to come.
The Dartmouth Review
Wednesday – February 20, 2019 11
FEATURES
Carnival Has College-Sanctioned Events
COLLEGE-SANCTIONED ACTIVITIES No alcohol was consumed before this picture was taken
A. T. Chigurh Contributor
Although such rumors had long been discussed as pure speculation, the Review has learned from a confidential source that Winter Carnival 2019 featured several college-sanctioned events in addition to the alcohol-infused events with which the weekend is normally associated. The source, who asked to remain anonymous out of a fear of the threat to their social life admitting to having participated in these college-sanctioned events would pose, disclosed that, in addition to observing the carving of ice sculptures by artists brought in by the College but not otherwise affiliated with it, they had also attended other events, including human dogsled races, “Ancient Arts and Crafts,” and an Ice Age Trivia Night, in which participants answered questions about the critically reviled series of children’s films in addition to ones about winter carnival. “Dartmouth wants current students to feel some sort of connection to winter carnival traditions that haven’t been relevant since the internet made us into less of a geographically isolated hellhole,” the source said, “it’s honestly sort of sad.” When reached for comment, the College admitted to having had a limited involvement in winter carnival events. “We provided funds to student Mr. Chigur enjoys high-stakes gambling, especially coin tosses.
groups, but did not plan the events ourselves,” a spokesman for the college said. When asked about why they thought student interest in traditions like the ice carving competition had fallen to the point where outside groups had to be brought in to carve them, the spokesman declined to comment. However, off the record, another Dartmouth employee disclosed to us that lack of student participation in winter carnival was a source of serious concern for the College. “Winter carnival used to be a source of pride for Dartmouth-we’d bring up Smith and Mount
view, “one option has been to make the College men’s only and returning to having girls bused in from neighbouring colleges. Maybe a sense of romantic desperation among the men of Dartmouth will help them avoid engaging in such hedonistic behavior and instead participate in the sort of wholesome traditions this institution used to be centered around.” When asked, many Dartmouth students reacted negatively to possible administration moves to combat the heavy drinking culture of winter carnival in the public arena.
ing something else.” Tanner Goldsworth ‘21, echoed Tafton’s sentiment. “One of the highlights of my summers in Kennebunkport was hearing my dad and his Dartmouth buddies tell me about winter carnival. But I need to decide which of his Wharton classmates’ hedge funds I’m going to work for next year, and that occupied most of my sober time this weekend.” However, some students did express desire for college-sanctioned events to regain their prominence on campus. “The fact that the drinking culture here has become so dominant is
“Dartmouth wants current students to feel some sort of connection to winter carnival traditions that haven’t been relevant since the internet made us into less of a geographically isolated hellhole,” the source said, “it’s honestly sort of sad.” Holyoke girls for the boys to court, we’d have athletic events all day, and drinking was little more than a formality as it is with every event at Dartmouth,” the employee told us, “now it’s become the entire weekend. We’d always thought Dartmouth students were interested in more than just excessive alcohol consumption, but that doesn’t necessarily seem to be the case anymore.” When asked about potential steps to increase student engagement with official events, the employee said that Dartmouth was considering taking drastic steps to address the issue. “We have had discussions at the highest level about what to do,” they told the Re-
“It’s like they don’t even know what Dartmouth represents,” said Sperry Tafton ‘20, “my grandfather and father have regaled me with winter carnival stories since I was a little kid.” Although he acknowledged that both his father and grandfather participated in administration-sponsored events during their time at the College, Tafton insisted that times had changed. “The world we live in today is faster-paced, and we simply don’t have time to do the sort of things we did a long time ago,” he said. “It’s a sign of the times that I spend all of winter carnival playing pong and doing coke off of a replica of Eleazar Wheelock’s official portrait instead of do-
worrying to me,” Callie Wegman ‘20 told the Review, “I mean, drink on the Saturday if you want but don’t drink on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with studying and winter carnival events only serving as a brief interim between periods of complete intoxication.” Historically, winter carnival has had a long tradition of student involvement in activities like ice carving and human bobsled. Timothy Sitzpiddler, a Professor of History at the College told the Review that there were two primary factors behind the decline in student interest since the beginning of the 21st century. “Students have increasingly become focused on remaining within the
Courtesy of Dartmouth College frat-dominated social scene, and have turned their back on an increasingly unpopular administration. In many respects, it’s a manifestation of the growing sense of alienation felt by young people, which has been exacerbated by economic, political and social factors, which have left old traditions in the dust in favor of more diversionary activities like drinking. We can observe this throughout many aspects of life as a Dartmouth student; many students, when asked whether they would take advantage of the sort of programs offered by the House System or by the Hopkins Center would simply reply by making up some excuse about having to go to a dinner or something when in reality they were likely half-assing a chem problem set before going out to drink.” The Review’s confidential source did not confirm that they had attended any of the events held at the discretion of the college, but identified themselves as someone with significant connections to the administration, the Collis Center, and other student organizations on campus. When asked why the College has sought to reduce the prevalence of party culture during weekends like winter carnival, the source offered an explanation. “What the college wants to do is make us more engaged with events beyond frat row,” the source told the review in a follow-up to its initial interview with them. “They should know that’s impossible, but yet they persist.”
12 Wednesday – February 20, 2019
The Dartmouth Review
THE LAST WORD GORDON HAFF’S
UPDATES FROM ACADEMIC DEPARTMENTS AND STUDENT LIFE
Government Department declares anarchy. Removes itself from College. Economics buys out the space for private casino club.
Philosophy Department finds itself in basement of
First Year Fellows all hoping for government internships get places at Goldman Sachs in Trump’s America
Environment Science students embarking on experiential learning project cause oil spill on Occom Pond in preparation for jobs at fossil fuel companies after graduation.
Studio Art Department evicted for being unable to pay rent. Geography Department confused as to how to find classrooms. Demands multiple maps. Classics Department reveals itself as the mastermind behind Sphinx Department of Psychological and Brain Studies faculty no longer invited to any parties. Ever. Because obviously. Webster Scholars complain that they aren’t given a third Pine dinner at Webster Scholars Retreat. Student goes to the Center for Professional Development for help with a resume. CPD looks confused and asked what “nonprofit” means before giving student an Amazon employment pamphlet saying that a $15 minimum wage would turn Amazon into a “nonprofit”
Bonesgate
English Department calls upon The Dartmouth Review to apologize for its long, unjust history surrounding grammatical errors. We’re sorry. Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies Department holds Taco Tuesday. Latin American Studies Department protests the insensitivity of this event. Economics Department releases extra fee to obtain degree by requiring all major students to buy a gold frame for their diplomas. Programming Board gets Beyonce, Ariana Grande, and the ghost of Prince to perform at Green Key. People still complain about wristbands. Students also comment that “nobody has heard of any of these artists” and that Programming Board should start charging tickets to afford better artists. Members of Programming Board think that everyone should let the organization do its freaking job.
The Clueless Cocktail Ingredients • •
President Philip J. Hanlon ’77 completes Dartmouth Seven on own lawn. To celebrate, he sends out a campus-wide e-mail to commemorate this historic occasion and, in it, announces that the Hard Alcohol Ban is lifted just as his spirits were. Dartmouth Broadcasting (also known as Dartmouth College Radio) exists. People are confused. Dartmouth Outing Club in shock as it receives hate mail from LGBTQIA+ groups accross the country confusing their organization for The Dartmouth Review. Review sincerely apologizes. English professors take credit for recent vandalism at Karl Marx’s grave saying, “Marx wouldn’t have wanted us to have to pay to see his grave.” “The Dartmouth Review has a sense of humor? Wow, you really can buy anything.” –You, reading this issue right now
Thayer renamed to honor its lord and savior, Satan.
BARRETT’S MIXOLOGY
•
Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies Department calls for Hinman to be renamed Hinwomxn to fight patriarchy. In memo released to campus, the department comments “It’s bad enough that there’s an entire organization devoted to men! I mean...mail.”
Three cups of ice chipped from the melting Winter Carnival Snow Sculpture One cup brandy: heated to 120 degrees by the light of a small Homecoming bonfire One cup vodka: must be Popov or Granite State Vodka because the plastic bottle imparts flavor One cup absinthe: no one likes it but they still think that it’s illegal so that makes it good One cup orange juice: best if stolen from Thayer Half cup of fruit punch: because no college drink is complete without something red in it
• The recipe that follows is intended for those Dartmouth students who have never mixed a drink • on campus due to the ban on hard alcohol. This drink • harkens back to the days when students would come back from a day at the Skiway and go looking for their friends around campus. There were no cell phones to tell us if our group was at Thayer (sorry … Foco) or Collis or the Hop. We had to walk around campus and look for them. If we got lazy, we just went to our dorm or house and sat in front of the TV and ordered EBA’s. Sometimes it could take 45 minutes or an hour for the food to come so we would pop a tape in the VCR and watch “Dances With Wolves” for the twentieth time while doing shots of Jim Beam. Other times we would grab the watering can and mix up a batch of Kamikazes to enjoy with our chicken sandwich and spuds. If there was a party happening and we were feeling particularly ambitious we would grab the blender and make the perfect, bubblegum flavored Rum Runner. For the truly committed, Jagermeister parties started, and sometimes prematurely ended, the night. The bottom line here is that Dartmouth students today lack certain skills so please enjoy this drink while you play Fortnight in Foco, Bumble in Baker Berry, Friendsy in Fairchild, Tinder in Topliff, or Grinder in Gile. Mix all of the aforementioned ingredients in a large pitcher. Best served by pouring directly into your mouth but you may consume in pong cups if necessary.
— Dunkin’ Deez Nuts, Class of ’92, P’20
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