Time to sing a new tune and move forward

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I started dating a girl on Valentine’s Day and I thought we had real magic from that night on. Now it’s June, and she has had a tour of the inside of me, my head and heart, and has decided she’s had enough. That really tears me up. Before she knew me well she thought I was perfect.

I’m a musician and I wrote many songs for her in the few months we were together. Then, suddenly, I was too mushy for her. She said she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t live up to the vision of perfection I had of her in my love songs.

I told her I would back off the love songs, and she said way too loudly, “Yes, leave me alone.”

I didn’t call her for a week and when I finally did, she actually said, “Ha. I bet myself you couldn’t go a whole week.” I just hung up. I was shocked and could not speak. What do you think of this?

— Shocked and Lonely, Fort Garry

Dear Shocked: Good on you for hanging up on this woman who makes bets to herself on your weakness and how long you can do without her. She’s disrespectful and “meaner than a junkyard dog,” as Jim Croce’s song Bad, Bad Leroy Brown goes.

Now, the trick is for lonely, romantic you to stay away from her. Manipulators like her will try to pull an ex back in just to see if they have the power to do it — not because they made a mistake and realize they love the person.

So, block her completely, stop writing songs about her that keep her in your mind, and emotionally kick her out of your heart.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother has been twice married and failed at it both times. Now I’m allergic to marriage.

Mom first married her high school love after getting pregnant with me at age 17. We lived in a tiny place over a store where my dad worked. Then he lost his job and pretty much disappeared. Mom and I moved in with my grandma when I was two, and hardly ever saw dad after that.

Mom had quite a few boyfriends as I was growing up living with her — around half a dozen. I watched it all happen and shook my head. Now I have a real marriage allergy — I sweat and break out when my girlfriend of four years demands to know when we are getting hitched. I look at her like she’s going to make me break out in hives.

I don’t believe in successful marriages, as I’ve seen bad marriages first-hand. Last night my girlfriend told me she wouldn’t stay with me unless I got over my hang-up. But do I have one, or am I just a scientific realist?

— Wrongfully Accused? St. Boniface

Dear Accused: If you were a serious man of science, you would know you were making a premature judgment using a test group that’s too small. It’s time to look past your mother’s poor decision making and don’t used her as your guide to happiness anymore.

Consider going for some relationship counselling on your own to help you see your mom’s mistakes in perspective. Hire a professional to undo what you seem to think your mom’s love life has taught you. You might consider inviting mom to a session or two, where the counsellor can bring up some important questions you really need to ask.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The new guy in my life is a daredevil. I’m turned on by that and we have great sex after he tells me about some of his feats, particularly in the air. But the truth I’m hiding is this: it makes me sick when he takes me along on a real adventure. I wouldn’t put up with it if I were married to him, especially if we had kids.

I guess I’m in this relationship for the second-hand adventure and the sexy excitement of his tales, and I’ll be here for a short time, not a long time — or maybe not. I’m so mixed up right now. A few weeks ago I started secretly feeling crazy about this man who is the opposite of me. What should I do now?

— Joke is on Me, West St. Paul

Dear Joke: You need to tell this guy what you just confessed. Chances are he already senses a change, but knows you’re still pretty scared.

He might chuckle, and then suggest some lessons including important information on how everything works and all the safety features that protect him. Information like this can be freeing for newbies.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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