Talk:Raiden Shogun/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Bluecrystal004 (talk · contribs) 01:32, 23 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I can take a look at this one during the holidays! Ping me here or on Discord after 7 days if I haven't posted a review. ~Bluecrystal004^{(talk · contribs)} 01:32, 23 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Stability -

Reviewed this version

Copyright/images -

Earwig
The infobox image rationale still talks about the game's cover art, instead of the character art
Raiden Shogun Cooking Meme.png
- Non-replaceable: the rationale doesn't actually justify why this isn't replaceable with an image of the same encyclopedic value
- Minimal use: makes mention of MiHoYo, but not the copyright holder listed in the rationale template, which is Kitchen Nightmares

Infobox -

Lead -

...of the game's Inazuma setting. - maybe "region" is a clearer word
...they originally act as... -> ...she originally acts as... because she's the subject of this sentence (She consists of...)

She has also been discussed in regards to some of the better and worst aspects of the game's story - I don't actually know at all what this is intended to mean
...though with some criticisms of its own... - at least remove "of its own" which doesn't make sense, possibly something like ...but there has been criticism aimed at...

Conception and creation -

...both were built around the game's "Electro" element... - what is "both"?

...bluish purple hair that forms a long hair down her back... - should be rephrased from "forms a long hair"
...she portrayed the "Shogun" aspect "cold and unemotional, but not emotionless" and "not a robot". - add "as" between "aspect" and the quotes

Appearances -

The actual "Baal" is revealed to be Raiden Shogun... - not the actual Baal, but the fake Baal
...after attempting to chooses to adopt... - grammatical error, probably removing "to chooses" is best
...decides to repeal her policies, adoption a more forward-thinking governance... - adoption -> adopting

...obtained by inviting to a card duel... - inviting her
"make her sound like a Queen from nowhere in particular." - prefer paraphrasing this quote

Promotion and reception -

...a polearm called "Engulfing Lightning," to acquire. - the "to acquire" is ungrammatical, I assume it means players could explore her story and get her weapon; maybe along with allowing players to obtain...

Might be good to mention when she was released as a playable character
...comments followed regarding her animations, in particular her sword draw animation where the blade is manifested from her exposed cleavage, with mixed reactions. - I would suggest moving the "with mixed reactions" up to replace the start, something like After her reveal trailer, mixed reactions followed regarding her animations, ...
...her inability to cook, resulting resulted in... - rm doubled word

"one of the most realistic portrayals of grief that I have seen in years." - prefer paraphrasing of this quote

The paper Preliminary study into the Genshin impact's aesthetics... - paper title should be in quotes not italics
...suggested that large breasts "sensual figure" were designed to play a large part of her appeal... - kind of doesn't make sense, maybe removing either "large breasts" or "sensual figure" will make more sense?
...within that country... - redundant, remove

In September 2021, a week after Raiden Shogun was released, - was it in the whole month, or a week after her release?
...far exceeding the monthly revenue in August. - the game's total monthly revenue?
In March, 2022, the Shogun's banner saw a rerun... - does "the Shogun" refer to Raiden Shogun? It seems an unusual phrasing but not wrong I guess

References -

Keep in mind I'm using machine translations for some of the sources in Chinese which might complicate things

Spotcheck part 1, this version of the article

1a - Go with something secondary (not an interview) to establish who the VA is, I found this source

Done

4a -
2c - the source isn't English so quoting the word "nostalgic" isn't appropriate, I think

Done

6b - do you have a scan of this issue (looks like it originally was on zhwiki)? There's a lot of info sourced to it
10 - it mentions that she has this Chakra Desiderata but seems like synthesis/OR to say that this reflects design elements from the god Raijin

Done

3b - move this up to ...Park Ji-yoon in Korean. which is the only relevant fact it mentions

Done

Spotcheck, part 2 this version of the article

14a -
18 - I'm not seeing any of the previous section supported by this article. I suppose citing the game itself is fine
19 -
25 - also doesn't seem to support the sentence at all, but the other source does
29 - fine at its core but I think "took particular delight in" and "significant" are sort of laying it on thick
5c - the quote should be "absolute leader", not "absolute ruler"
39b -

@Kung Fu Man: My initial thoughts are here; I'll do a source spotcheck within the next couple days. ~Bluecrystal004^{(talk · contribs)} 20:32, 29 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

@Bluecrystal004: Addressed what I could. I'm hoping the image rationale is satisfactory now to boot.--Kung Fu Man (talk) 21:30, 29 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

@Kung Fu Man: Sorry for the wait, wow! Spotcheck parts 1 and 2 are posted, still let me know about that pash article otherwise I guess I can just assume good faith on the zhwiki editor who cited it. Everything else from the review was addressed, I think. ~Bluecrystal004^{(talk · contribs)} 02:00, 5 January 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@Bluecrystal004: I should have everything fixed. The Pash article I don't have, but there's a translation of it here in this reddit thread, pages 6 and 7. Lemme know how everything looks!--Kung Fu Man (talk) 07:17, 5 January 2024 (UTC)[reply]

@Kung Fu Man I made some fixes and I removed a line which I couldn't find reference to in the Pash source, feel free to modify if I got anything wrong. Should be fine to pass this now, thanks for your work on this article! ~Bluecrystal004^{(talk · contribs)} 08:08, 6 January 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Chinese Sources Check

If you have any need, I can help check the Chinese (and perhaps some Japanese) language sources. Milky Defer 05:47, 31 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]