How to Fix a Relationship

Your love relationship is struggling, but you are not ready for couples therapy just yet. How to proceed? The transformation required for a relationship to become rewarding is, of course, neither simple nor instant. There is not one dramatic issue to be repaired, but a series of little separations that, over time, like termites, have eaten away at the emotional connection.

To avoid the pitfalls inherent in the change process, whether for yourself or as a couple, here are several guidelines that have proven to be effective:

1. Express feelings, not demands. No surprise, casting blame in love relationships does not work and is often dishonest. To avoid blame, consider beginning your statements with a form of the pronoun “I” (“Me,” “my,” “mine”).“I” statements are expressions of responsibility; beginning a sentence with “I” personalizes your feelings or thoughts. Note that tacking a prefix like “I think that you . . .” or “I feel that you . . .” onto a sentence does not make it an “I” statement. An “I” statement is a report of your awareness of yourself, not of the other person: “I resent being told what to do” rather than “You are too bossy.”

2. Be gradual. A great many attempts at change fail because they are too sweeping. Misguided attempts to change something about themselves or their relationships too quickly or too dramatically in too short a period are responsible for a good deal of the disillusionment and despair many people feel. For example, when a woman is dissatisfied with her partner’s lack of participation in household chores, she may request broad changes in his behavior that he is quite likely to resist since the change request will be perceived as overwhelming. However, if the requests are gradual and successively approximate the desired level of participation, the process of change is more likely to proceed more smoothly.

3. Expect resistance. Compounding the difficulty we all have with the change process is that change in relationships often involves taking the risk of moving closer to another person. While we want the rewards of closeness, many of us fear the increased vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt that accompanies intimacy. To counter resistance in another person be a model for what you want. Do you want more warmth, for example? If so, are you giving what you want to get?

4. Be persistent. Both parties can be expected to test the sincerity of each other’s efforts to change. Testing may take the form of questioning motivation (“You’re doing this only because you’re afraid I’ll leave you”). Or attempting to discount the change effort (“These changes are just too artificial and trivial”); and or a return to earlier, relationship-defeating behaviors. By viewing testing as a natural part of the change process and continuing with the novel behavior pattern despite temporary discouragement, a new precedent is set.

5. Be positive. It is much easier to increase positive behavior than it is to directly eliminate negative behavior. For example, rather than emphasizing a suppression of excessive criticism, a spouse is likelier to be effective if he or she concentrates on a response incompatible with criticism—an increase in positive, appreciative comments. Behavioral science research suggests that undesirable behaviors are more effectively controlled when confronted in this positively oriented manner.

6. Be behavioral. Although feelings and beliefs are critically important in a relationship, neither carries the impact of action. Telling a partner you love them does not have the immediacy and potency of a demonstration. Relationship change, therefore, is founded on paying close attention to what you do rather than simply what you profess—am I behaving in a manner that promotes relationship satisfaction?