The Pain of Cut-Offs

My 20-year-old daughter stopped talking to me, her father, and her sister two years ago. This has been devastating for us all. She moved to another state with her boyfriend, and they may have married. We were so close before she left. This still makes no sense. We have tried reaching out through letters, emails, and even gifts. The only response was that she needed to do this and to please respect her decision. The pain I experience is unbearable at times. I want to visit her, but my husband and others think I shouldn’t. What can I do?

Estrangement is always incredibly painful. It is also difficult to understand since cut-offs are an extreme measure and your daughter not only offered no explanation but, from your perspective, the relationship was devoid of overt conflict, neglect, or abuse.

There may be little consolation in knowing that you have lots of company. Experts report a growing trend of family estrangement among the young in the United States. In one recent study, researchers found that 26 percent of young adults are estranged from their father, beginning, on average, at 23 years of age. A smaller number—6 percent—are estranged from their mother.

It’s worth noting that the estrangement is not likely to last forever. According to the researchers, “Among those who become estranged from mothers, the vast majority became unestranged (81.3%).”

Unfortunately, the very closeness you describe as a rewarding (to you) feature of the relationship may have something to do with the estrangement. Late adolescence/early adulthood is a time when many are anxious about future success and their ability to navigate life on their own. It is also a time for beginning to recalibrate the parent-child relationship. And for a variety of societal reasons having nothing to do with family dynamics, the transition to independent adulthood has indeed become more challenging, and many young people have come to believe it must be someone else’s fault when they don’t feel perfectly prepared for the future.

Cutting off contact with parents is, however surprising, a way of resetting the parental relationship. It may seem the only option to a person who lacks the skills to modulate it any other way.

Visiting your daughter right now is not a wise move, says New York therapist Susan Birne-Stone. If she refused to see you, you would likely feel even more pain than you already do.

You can reach out in other ways—providing that you have no expectation of response. You could send a simple email saying that you love her or a brief information-only family update every so often. Think of it as a short, sweet note to an absent friend. Such a bulletin lets her know that she still has a place in her family of origin—even if she does not yet know how to redesign it.

In the silver-lining department, know that most estrangements are temporary, and reconciliation, especially with mothers, is the rule.