I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
Most of my partners and myself enjoy kink play, scenes, and bondage (shibari) stuff, but I've always found that integrating that into sex creates an awkward break and interrupts the "moment," and when we've tried to LEAD with the toys/tools/kink play, it's harder for things to happen organically. Any tips on how to flow better from impromptu fucking to a tied up bottom getting thrashed?
—Horny Virgo
Dear Horny Virgo,
Your question reminds me of the ones I get from very busy couples with children or who work long hours and don’t have time for spontaneous sex. They have to plan sex around their hectic schedules, and like you, they often claim it’s awkward, unsexy, or they’re too “in their head.” Similarly, I have guys who write in, talking about that awkward moment of futzing to put on the condom and how it is a literal and metaphorical boner killer.
My response to them is the same one I'm about to give to you: live with the awkwardness, and it’ll become less awkward over time. The thing is, those busy couples are not going to fuck unless they plan it. Guys need to wear condoms. Sex, at times, is a little awkward. You gotta get over it.
That said, there are three things you can do to smooth the transition from fucking to flogging.
First, prepare all your toys and other gear beforehand. For example, I tell men to have the condom out and right-side-up before they start hooking up. So that way, when they open it, they don’t accidentally attempt to unfurl it the wrong way. Prepping the condom in advance takes the break in action from a few minutes down to 30 seconds, max. In your case, can you be wearing any bondage-related gear from the time you start the encounter? That way, you're already wearing your cuffs, and the rope top can start the scene immediately.
Second, eroticize the downtime between sex and the kink scene. If you’re awkwardly sitting in silence, waiting for your partner to put something on or find gear, it’s awkward. This is a great time to engage in anticipatory dirty talk. “Fuck, I can’t wait for you to tie me up, Daddy.” “You’re going to feel fucking incredible inside of me.” “I’ve been daydreaming about you spanking me all day.” Keep the scene and sexual energy going during the transitionary phrases.
Third, joke about the awkwardness. Obviously, this isn’t for everyone, and some Doms abhor it when the bottom joshes while boning, but personally, I am cracking jokes nonstop during sex, even during kinkier, more “serious” BDSM scenes. It acknowledges that this downtime is awkward and helps to break the uncomfortable silence. And when I laugh with my partner, I feel more connected to them. I end up feeling more at ease, which leads to kinkier, wilder sex.
