I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner" because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I’m a 26-year-old lady dating my first boyfriend (30) for 10 months now. I really like him, but the sex is totally unsatisfactory. No kissing, no foreplay, manhandling my boobs for some seconds, fingers in my dry vagina and clitoris, lube on his penis, and straight to pound town. Once he’s finished, that’s it until he’s ready for another round.
I’ve told him I don’t like that, sent him articles on foreplay, tried to get him to slow down during sex, and mentioned things I’d like to do, such as oral sex and using toys together, but still, nothing has changed.
I only get pleasure and orgasm when I use my vibrator alone. Lately, I’ve been avoiding his touch, getting more irritated at him, and found myself googling how important sex is in a relationship. Recently, [my thoughts have] changed to breaking up over bad sex. I don’t know what to do.
—Sexually Frustrated Girlfriend
Dear Sexually Frustrated Girlfriend,
Are you sure you don’t know what to do? I feel like you do, but you don’t want to admit it because it's scary. So I'll do it for you: You need to break up with him.
You have repeatedly communicated your sexual desires. You’ve even sent him articles on foreplay! And yet, he is not listening to you. He has made it clear that he only cares about his own sexual pleasure, and he's treating you like a Fleshlight for him to pound out whenever he’s horny. If he doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure, frankly, I’m not sure how much he cares about you.
SFG, you’ve recently found yourself Googling how important sex is in a relationship. While there is no set answer, it’s clear that sex is important for you—and that is what you should pay attention to. You deserve to have an incredible sex life with someone who someone who doesn’t pound your dry vagina until he nuts and then rolls over and falls asleep.
Let’s imagine a world where you don’t break up with him. Do you want to be with him 10 years from now? Thirty years from now? Does the idea of being with him forever not give you a panic attack or make your blood boil? I think the main reason you haven’t broken up with him yet is because he's your first boyfriend. You don’t have “data points” (i.e., other boyfriends) to compare him to, and you might think this is how every guy behaves. Trust me: it's not!
You might also be thinking, “Shit, I may never find another man.” This scarcity mentality is why so many people stay in relationships with partners who do not treat them well. But he is your first, and there will be so many others.
