Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast Quotes

“I once taught a duck how to swim. I'm such a good coach that in no time at all it learned how to fly.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I make Coach Noises while I sleep. If my yelling wakes you up, you need to sleep harder and stop slacking off.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Questions shaped like slow elevators deserve jazz oxygen. You know, music designed to suffocate a small space.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“If I owned a bulldozer, it would be my paintbrush, and the land would be my canvas. My art would be full of streams, creeks, and waterfalls.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Crack a duck egg and chug it. Nature's energy drink.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I have weapons of self-defense. They’re called jokes.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“First the AI came for the lawyers’ jobs, and I did nothing, because it was funny. Then the AI came for the journalists’ jobs, and I again was passive, because it was hilarious. Finally, the AI came for Human Resources’ jobs, and I actually did something—I laughed heartily.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Before accepting a new job, you need to know if you'll like it or not. That's easy to do. Just simply search for memes that skewer that occupation.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I only VOTE with my wallet. I have no money, so you should probably try to buy my support.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Inside jokes should never be inverted. That would make them outside jokes, and those often get carried away—mostly by the wind.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I swim like I’m water. I’m like water in water, and that’s how I move so invisibly.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“The kind of music you listen to influences who you are as a person. That’s why I make my own, with the help of the birds, the breeze, and a homeless man named Dale who lays down the rhythm by beating on a metal trash can.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I want to write a 500-word book full of colorful cartoons. The target reader will be between three to five years old, or a college basketball player.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Is your job title your identity? When you introduce yourself, do you also include what you do for a living? If so, you may be meeting people who want to know what you do, because they want to know what you can do for them.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“The only thing better than Steve Winwood is an instrumental cover of Steve Winwood that's heavy on the flute. When I hear it, I dance like I'm on a crowded elevator.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I think I have a lot going for me as far as dating. I have a high IQ, I'm 6'3", and on May 23rd I'll be Forklift Certified. That's right, I'll soon be qualified to transport stacked pallets, and I know that's the first thing women look for in a potential partner.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Why does Joe Normie think it’s a litmus test for morality if one returns one’s shopping cart? Big-box stores put out of business local retailers, they automated their systems to reduce employees, and they got customers to be their own cashiers without getting paid for their labor, and yet to prove I’m a good person, I’m supposed to do more unpaid work for them to streamline their operation?”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“A child raised by himself becomes a fool. But a child raised by The State becomes something worse—a fool that thinks he’s wise.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic Church added a thousand years to history, so I figure I'm actually way ahead of schedule.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“You shouldn't sing blues if you don't have a voice like barbecue. It's got to be smoky.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“People always ask me, they say, “Jarod, what do you do with your money?” Well, I base my financial decisions on the annual migratory patterns of Bigfoot, because maps are the new charts, as taught by the esteemed Ponce de Leon School of Youth, Wealth, and Duck Farming. Next time you’re in St. Augustine, Fl, or here in The Ozarks, you should stop on by and learn to become your own cartographer.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Math equations converted by mouth into Dizzy Gillespie noises. That's a tax service I offer.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“The dollar is continually worth less until it's finally worthless. That's how it was designed. It's not money. It's a financial weapon.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash are similar, but not related. The first is something real, and the latter will soon suffer from hyperinflation.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Why are there no saxophone-flavored potato chips? It's like they don't want my car to run on an alternative form of energy.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“Yesterday I played a round of golf. And by a round I mean I kept hitting the ball in circles, never once hitting the ball in the circles called holes.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“A body with no brain is a VOTER. A brain with no body is a woman's ideal man.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I screenprinted a T-shirt that says "Media" on it. Do you know what people will tell you and the exclusive access you are granted when people think you're with The News?”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“History is full of great men who were too humble to allow themselves to be called great men. So instead, they pretended to be women.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast

“I don't play the saxophone. But that's OK, because I talk to my quacking ducks, and our conversation is like music to my neighbor's six AM ears.”
― Jarod Kintz, Eggs, they’re not just for breakfast