'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' recap: Trip Down Memory Lame

Tonight’s episode of RHOA was like a weird midseason feature on small businesses and small towns. Really, for a quarter of the show, Cynthia is just roaming around a bead store. And that’s about as consequential as it gets in this filler hour. Oh, and that Chuck guy proves himself to be a complete toolbox, but seeing as he’s not actually married to any of the housewives, does it really matter?

Apparently so, because “Retired NFL Player” Chuck is all anyone can talk about for most of the episode. Kenya starts us off by sweetly inquiring to Miss Lawrence: “Have you f---ed Chuck?” He has not, but might I humbly suggest Charles Schwab grab that as their new slogan before Kenya copyrights it for twerking-on-piano purposes?

Speaking of Atlanta’s most eligible married man, Chuck has invited his old Clarke Central High School buddies, Phaedra and Nene, to have drinks. He wore his creepy, barely tinted Puffy-era-JLo glasses for the occasion. Phaedra is concerned he wants to talk about the Mynique blow up from Savannah, but he’s just asking the two successful women if they’ll road trip to Athens with him to talk to the Boys and Girls Club. At the time I thought it was really sweet; now I think maybe this guy shouldn’t be influencing children quite so much, but more on that later.

My Co-founder of the She-Woman Peter Haters Club, Cynthia’s sister Malorie is back in town. Cynthia has brought her to a bead store *Small Business Count: 1* “because her business is making beaded jewelry” (note: I hope when called upon, my family tells people my business is Bravo reality shows). Cynthia still hasn’t really gotten over Malorie’s comments about Peter last year at their anniversary party, but they both want to get the relationship back to where it once was. So, naturally, Malorie informs Cynthia she’ll be staying with her for two months. I don’t know how much of that was editing, but from my vantage point (being judgmental on my couch), there were no question marks used in her approach. Bold move, Mal.

Porsha goes to a dog accessory store *Small Business Count: 2* to pick out Sunday dresses for her dogs, but mostly to inform her mom that she’s finally moving out of her house. Her mom might feel better about that decision if Porsha didn’t later invite her whole family over to the new house -- which is the size of a New York City block and has a kitchen island that, I kid you not, is as big as my apartment -- to basically tell them that she doesn’t know if she’ll keep getting her spousal support and she can’t really afford the house, but “the way you make a person believe in you is to just step out there and do it.” Sure, if by “believe in,” she means “question your ability to conduct your life as an autonomous adult” and by “do it,” she means “make a completely financially unsound decision.” Then, yes girl, you get out there and make those people believe in you.

On the other side of delusion town, Kandi has put on her thickest Rosie the Riveter headband to go see Mama Joyce while she gets her hair done at Derek J.’s salon *Small Business Count: 3* Apparently they haven’t spoken since Mama Joyce said she was wiping her hands of her daughter and wanted nothing to do with her relationship with Todd. Mama Joyce is colder than ice upon Kandi’s arrival, Kandi nervous laughs like a maniac per usual, and Derek J. does what any of us would do in that situation: pretends to hear his phone ringing and gets the hell out of there. Once alone, Mama Joyce proceeds to lead Kandi to believe that she’s having health problems to make her feel guilty about choosing Todd over her, which is difficult to do when Kandi didn't choose Todd over her and she’s not having health problems (except for the mental variety...that woman is going to hurt somebody).

NEXT: What does it take to be The Big Homie? Just a little jack-assery...

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