Ask Bossy

Dear Bossy: I was hoping you could help out with some advice on how I can get my girlfriend to take more interest in her appearance. Charlotte and I are both in our late twenties, and have been going out for about three years now. The relationship is great, except for one thing, Charlotte doesn’t seem to have any interest in the way she looks. She’s a brunette, kind of chubby, smallish breasts, and doesn’t wear particularly feminine clothing or makeup, or get her hair done often.

When we first met, she had been through a really tough time with her ex, and I thought once she cheered up a bit, she might put in some effort, and that her appearance was just a result of the depression she felt.

I’ve told her countless times that I prefer blondes over brunettes, but she won’t change her haircolour. I also prefer women who are a bit slimmer, Charlotte isn’t exactly fat, but she could stand to lose a few kilos.

The other issue I have with her body, is, as I mentioned, her small breasts. I really don’t find them attractive, and I’ve offered to pay for Charlotte to have a boob job, but she doesn’t seem very interested.

I can’t see why, because I reckon it would really help her confidence, not to mention her sexual appeal. I thought it was a very generous offer, and it really hurt when she didn’t even consider it, or bother to say thanks for the offer.

Other than that, I’d love it if she wore something other than jeans and t-shirts all the time. When we first met, she at least used to get dressed up when we went out, now she hardly wants to go out with me anymore, she spends most of her time on the couch.

I’m still young, and make enough money so that I’m comfortable and can live well and party now and again. And I do love Charlotte, really, and I know she loves me. But I’m not the kind of man who can put up with a frumpy homebody for a girlfriend. I was just wondering if you had any advice on getting Charlotte to see that if she doesn’t change and start putting in a bit of effort, she’s probably going to lose me in her life.

I’ve tried to tell her this, but she just walks away and refuses to listen. I don’t know what else I can do. Please help.

Can’t Take Much More

Continue reading 'I offered her a boob job, why won’t she say yes?'

Dear Bossy: I am a teenage girl, and having grown up with a father who is a police officer, I see myself as quite ‘street smart’. This question is about my friend.
She is a year or so older than me, and how to put this, not as ‘educated’ about the ways of the world. For several years, she has been molested by her grandfather, not in a severe way, (though I suppose any way is severe) but enough to damage her.

The main thing is, her mum knows, her dad knows and most of her family know. They know because her mum and aunt were both raped by her grandfather when they were children. I always wondered why her mum (unlike her aunt who has ceased contact) would allow her precious daughters to be in contact with their pedophile grandfather, but she is in complete denial.

She has sent my friend away to stay with the grandparents, allowed alone time and sleep overs. For me this is unthinkable, and I hate her mum for it, but she doesn’t want to break up the family. Now my friend is old enough to look after herself.

She is nearly 20 but not at all independent. I don’t understand why she puts herself in this position. She just says she does not want to break up the family. I have told her over and over that it is not her causing the problems, but her grandfather and she does not believe me.

I can’t speak to her mum about it, because I am not supposed to know. I can’t tell my dad, as I am sure he would take action. Everytime I see her grandfather I shudder.

So my first question, is what do I do?

Now secondly, this same friend has claimed to have been sexually abused by many men. Some are just boyfriends who have tried to kiss her (quite common at this age) and others are coaches, church leaders etc who have touched her innappropriately. Are some girls just easy targets for predators, or is she over reacting? It is always a continuous thing as she never speaks up.

I know if a male was to touch me innappropriately, especially in a public place as has been the case with her, I would raise the alarm immediately, screaming and removing myself from the situation. I have started to pull away from her, I have many interests and am always busy with uni etc, and as I love her dearly and feel bad for her, it gets repetitive hearing who else has abused her and I can’t understand how she manages to put herself in that position. Why will she not speak up?

I am having trouble staying close to her and am concerned that I am pulling away.

Please guide me as to what to do.

Concerned Friend.

Continue reading 'My friend is being abused but she won’t speak up'

Dear Bossy: When I was eighteen I had a termination. Don’t believe anyone who tells you you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex, because I did. I’ve never regretted the decision to terminate. I haven’t even really thought about it much over the years. When I hear people talking about pro-life vs pro-choice I even forget that I’m one of the women they’re talking about.
I’ve never told anyone about it (except the guy involved), not because I’m ashamed, just because it’s not really anyone’s business and I know some people have very strong views about it. I went on with my life, acquired an education and a career and, a few years ago, a husband. We have now decided to start a family.

I never intended to tell my husband about the termination. The problem is, I’m worried that now I’m about to open myself up to a lot of medical investigation he might somehow find out from a doctor. I mean, I’m not sure if they can tell when they’re doing various scans and stuff. I’m not even sure if it might lead to any problems.

I didn’t think to ask those questions when I was young and scared and it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I know he’d be horrified to find out from someone else. But I don’t honestly don’t think he needs to know or I’m obliged to tell him. I don’t think it makes any difference to anything, and he’s sometimes a sensitive guy and I’m not sure how he’d react or if he’d look at me differently, or think that this experience the two of us will share will be tainted in some way.

I’m not sure what to do, whether I should tell him or not. And if I should tell him, when should I do that? If I tell him before I get pregnant will that ruin the experience of trying to get pregnant for him? Or if I tell him after I’m pregnant will he feel cheated in some way, like he went into this without all the facts?

I know you can’t tell me how he’ll react without knowing him, but I’m really not sure what to do.

Mother-In-Waiting

Continue reading 'Should I tell my husband I had a termination?'

Dear Bossy: I read your blog religiously, but I never thought I would require advice. I’m usually a decisive person who doesn’t often ask others for assistance. Recently my brother handed over my e-mail address to an old school friend, without my permission. This is not the issue, as my brother is a kind-hearted person who would not stop to think I may not want to be in contact with old school friends. The problem I have is that this school friend has initally sent me a short e-mail to advise that a reunion is going to be held next year and I’m not sure if I want to attend.

I lied to my old school friend and e-mailed her with a brief answer of: “that sounds wonderful, if I don’t hear from you again please send the details of the reuion to me”. I did this because I did not want to offend my old school friend by telling her that I am petrified of catching up with the girls from my primary school years.

I come from a conservative, catholic background and I was a well-behaved child. All this changed after being sexually abuse in my early teens, which then lead to poor choices in relationships, plus drug & alcohol abuse. From late teens to late twenties, I made poor choices, but I was fortunate enough to meet a man who turned my life around. We have been together for 11 years and life has been great, except we have had sadness in trying to have children.

We endured four miscarriages and, even more tragic, the termination of a pregnancy which the doctors told us the baby would not have surived due to a chromosomal problem. After this event, I gave up catholicsim and looked into Buddhism, but right now I feel I am just ‘detoxing’ from religion.

My question is, I would like to attend my reunion but I don’t know how I could discuss my life over the last thirty years. Questions will be asked and I’m actually extremely upfront when answering to the point I can give TOO much information. I worry that I will upset some of these girls, as they still attend church and I’m at the point where I never want to set foot in one again. Also, my school friend who e-mailed me has sent ANOTHER e-mail giveing me her life history and I have not replied for obvious reasons.

Feeling lost for a change

Continue reading 'Should I go to my high school reunion?'

Dear Bossy: I (and gradually my boyfriend) have big problems with the housemate of his and I would love to kick her out personally but I don’t think it’s my place to do so, giving that I do not live at his place full time while she does and pays rent. (I stays at his place a few days a week.)

Initially I was a bit concerned that she is taking advantage of him by paying rent for one room but has her stuff spreading into another room and HIS shed (you know what a shed means to a man!), and forcing her personal tastes onto us with her deco all around the house as if she owns the place; while I, the girlfriend, do not have any decor at his place as I feel it should be his own place with his taste. Also, he was being nice to her by waiving the rent for a few weeks while she was still living in Brisbane but have shifted her stuff in and taken the rooms already. The common sense is you start paying when you start occupying, because that means we landlord can’t use the space anymore; if you can’t afford to pay then don’t occupy 2 places at the same time!

After she moved in, she constantly leaves the kitchen messy as in bread crumbs and pieces of butter on the bench top, never cleans around the stoves or the oven (she was the sole user of the oven!), never swept or mop the kitchen floor (covered in stains), hardly cleans the outdoor setting that was covered in HER ciggies ashes (and hardly empties the butts too!), never cleans the bathroom, drinks and takes our water bottles but never refill them or replace them. I am always finding the chux and scourers covered in you-don’t-want-to-know-what after her, but she never sees it. All this from a person who claimed to be clean! My boyfriend is starting to have a gutful after having to clean after her all the time.

She’s also loud as in everytime she’s on the phone she must parade through the house to let people know she’s on the phone; talks loudly over my head and sneezes so loud you can hear her a few houses away. She’s inconsiderate, as my boyfriend got parked in by her car a few times (we only have a tandem driveway); no sense of security as she leaves the front door unlocked when she goes out or in the backyard (you see right through to the backyard from the front door), not a worry about those daring burglars who break in while you are home! She doesn’t acknowledge the doors as she never knocks on them before talking or entering, and slams EVERY door and drawers in the house as if she’s deaf.

She never buys her own laundry or dishwashing powder but quite happy to use ours as if they’re free, but made a big dance about it and made sure we all saw it when she bought a pack of toilet paper, ONCE. She has no respect of our/his property as she uses what she sees fit without asking, refilling or replacing them. My boyfriend even caught her wearing my thongs a few times when I’m not there!

Lately she’s got a boyfriend that comes over all the time, drinking and smoking and helping themselves to OUR food without contributing a cent. Her boyfriend’s been getting into our milk, sugar, coffee and tea more than reasonable quantities everytime he’s here (mind, you, we have to clean up after him too!), and hasn’t even replaced the beer he drank. My pet hate was that she leaves all the pegs on the lines which get in my way when I’m putting washing out but I’m trying to get over it.

What gets me was that when his parents come to visit, she acts like she’s THE girlfriend; and she would take over any situation completely as if SHE is the owner, even flirting with tradesmen (when she wasn’t even the contact)! Once she gets in the kitchen and starts cooking you will be looking at no-cooking for 2 hrs as she will use EVERY single pan, pot and cooking utensils in the kitchen and leave them OOZING grease and fat; in other words there is no sharing of kitchen. Thank God she doesn’t cook as much now!

Often she’d be away for days and not coming home without saying anything, and we’d have to keep an eye on her PETS while she’s happily away somewhere. The animals have starved a few times and we always top up the water while she’s away out of our kindness; initially she’d acknowledge it but hardly anymore. My thought is, if you are going to be away so much don’t keep pets and leave others to look after them! A few days ago her sister came to stay with her/us for a week, and no, the sister does not sleep in the same room as her, didn’t ask him first (I would if someone’s staying with me more than 2 nights!) but she’s still only paying rent for one room.

I have chatted to my boyfriend about her while trying not to sound jealous or bitchy, and he’s starting to see what she’s like, but I suspect that she would try to cry poor to get on his good side, and I don’t know if he can harden up enough to kick her out once and for all, being a Mr Nice Guy all his life..

Dear Bossy, what should I do with her? Can I tell her to piss off or must it come from him?

Continue reading 'Can I tell my boyfriend’s house mate to leave or is it up to him?'

Dear Bossy: Let me explain my relationship situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, this time around. We don’t live together and I live 3 hours away most of the year and with my parents (near her) the small part of the rest of the year. I’m 20, currently at university and working on carreer, intraverted and very conservative, i prefer to be alone most of the time but really enjoy the company of those closest to me.

My girlfriend (19) on the other hand has no secondary education and intent to get a career, is a social butterfly, her house is the centre of every party in town. She drinks, used to smoke (i told her she had to stop for me; i’m asthmatic), smokes weed occassionly, needs constant attention (can’t do anything alone) and can’t keep a clean house. Now thats not to say i’m not very much in love with her, cause i am. She is so sweet and very very caring, and one of the few people who really get me (the sex is great to).

The problem is I don’t drink and don’t go to parties which she has every weekend, often twice. I can’t be around smokers, and all but one of her friends smokes. I hate the weed thing and she knows it.

Now at the moment that is fine, i don’t have to be around when she has parties i have my own place to go to, BUT...I can’t see a future with her where i’m living in the same house as her.

There are other issues with comflict of intrest in other areas to. She wants kids early, i want to wait and i don’t want to bring a kid into this environment. She has issues with my parents (and hers). She can’t complete her job properly, she’s lucky she works for her dad or i don’t think she’d have a job. I just feel like she’s never gonna grow up.

I love her dearly and i know she feels the same way. This may sound pig headed but i’m not going to change, its just who i am, and i feel bad to ask her to change for me.

I guess what i’m getting at is at the moment i don’t have the heart to leave her but i’m afraid that we are going to move in together one day and it’s just gonna be hell.

I don’t know whether to just let it go and see how things happen, try to change her ways now, or just walk away? Or if possibly someone has a 4th solution.

From possibly an over-the-top in love fool.

Continue reading 'She’s a party animal and I like the quiet life. Do we have a future?'

Dear Bossy: I have something a little different for readers who might be able to help.

Mine is a moral dilemma that has recently been on my mind for a while. It is not your normal relationship problem. Mine is a choice I have to make which I am struggling with. I have an ability to innately know information about an object, person or event without ever being exposed to it.

I suppose you could say I am highly intuitive or even psychic but I cannot switch it on or off nor can I choose what the object, person or event is. Some people may have trouble believing in these sorts of things and may call me crazy… For this reason, I do not talk about it with many people and in my current profession which I love, my reputation could go from excellent to non-existent.

This is where it becomes a problem. I believe I have information regarding an unsolved crime which, if solved offers a substantial reward to the person providing the information. I cannot substantiate this information and if it is wrong, I could potentially be wasting a lot of time for a lot of people. If the information is correct, it means that I have essentially killed my career after a lot of time & effort to build it up over the years. I also do not want to treated as some crazy guy or even treated as a suspect by the police for providing information which I cannot explain how I obtained it. All I know is that every time an appeal for info is made on the news over time, the whole incident comes to me in pieces which are quite specific to the point I could write a book on the topic.

On the other hand, I know that the family of the victim you like to know what happened and get on with their lives. In this respect I feel selfish for holding onto this information. I need to do something as more recently, I have been having trouble sleeping and getting an urge to do something about it. I know things like Crime Stoppers are anonymous but then it comes down to wasting time if I am wrong and they take me seriously or being correct and not being taken serious.

What should I do?

Continue reading 'I know details of a crime because I’m psychic. Who should I tell?'

Dear Bossy: I have now been broken up with my ex for 4 months… not a good break up and I was shattered as he was my true first love.  Anyway I have known lets call him Tom, since primary school, we have stayed in and out of contact for the last 15 or so years.  We have heaps in common and we can talk for hours and hours! 

About 6 months ago when I was still dating my ex, Tom and I caught up for a beer and a chat something not out of the usual for us, anyway he knew that the ex and I’s relationship wasn’t on solid ground and we were having a few problems, he sat there and listened to me and told me to get rid of him… anyways I took another 3 months for me to do so… about 2 or so months ago Tom told me that he was really interested in me and wanted to ask me out that night of listening to my upset… I told him that it would have never happened as I don’t cheat and that im flattered that he wanted to go out for a date. 

Ok so heres the problem… I got a txt from him about 4 weeks ago on a Saturday night saying – you rock my world…. I wasn’t sure if he was drunk or truly meant it so I didn’t responded till the next day just saying did you have a good night last night?  We caught up 2 weeks ago for a beer and a chat which turned out to be a 7 hour beer and chat… when having to say goodbye it was dragged out and the s exual tension was so thick you could pretty much slice it… we spoke through txt msgs the next couple of days both asking ourselves why didn’t we do anything at that moment… I think we were both shy or whatever???

So after much thought about the night I started realising that I was developing feelings for him, so I stupidly told him over txting (im kicking myself now coz I hate doing personal kinda stuff over txts and emails) anyway I told him in a way that I didn’t wanna freak him out, saying Tom I think you’re a rad guy and since seeing you the other night I think im starting to like you a bit more than friends… anyway his response took ages and he didn’t really say much as to wether or not he felt the same or wasn’t interested!  I was so confused (and still am) about this whole situation then about 4 days after me telling him this we ended up sleeping together, was awkward in the start but then the passion and heat was just magnetic! So yes it was very hot! 

Ok so since sleeping together things seem to be weirder! He hasn’t really shown any interest to see me and txts rarely I finally got to talk to him about the whole situation and that I didn’t understand why he was distancing himself or why he never gave me a real answer but wanted to sleep with me?  I told him if it was just a booty call that he wanted and didn’t wanna do it again then im ok with that (which im really not) he told me he thought he responded to my admittance of how I felt towards him, he said that he doesn’t think he is ready for anything and that I want kids and marriage and all that… I told him which is completely true that yes I do want those things but not now!  Im only 23 I want to travel and do so much more before I get into anything like that and oh he also said he wasn’t ready to love again… the thing is if he would have just been honest from the start and I knew where I stood I would be fine!  I told him that all I wanted was to spend a bit more time together getting to know each other a little better and just take it easy?? 

I don’t know how else to react, I honestly think im not being to pushy or clingy but am I scaring him off?  IM SO CONFUSED!  Im sick of trying to organise us catching up when he keeps knocking me back.. he told me he wanted to hang out and I seem to be banging my head against a brick wall as to why its not happening?  Is he just not that into me??  (you’d think I would know after seeing the movie and reading the friggen book!!)

Should I just give up on him and any hope that there may be a chance for us?  Or should I try a different approach?

Thanks
Clueless!

Continue reading 'We had sex and now he won’t call. I’m so CONFUSED!'

Dear Bossy: I recently became very addicted to your blog and would love to get some of your up front advice on something I just can’t get my mind off.

I had been single for 6 mths, and pretty fed up with attracting loser partners.  I vowed never to get into another relationship again if I, A) can immediately spot any red flags (mumma’s boy, bad addictions etc) or, B) if I already know that it won’t/can’t last forever or at least a long time.

Anyway, I to the States and hit it off with a local.  We most of my days time together during my 2 wks there. We kept in touch and as time went on, the more I really liked him. Although I thought of it as an exciting fling, he did have all the things I liked in a guy, with no obvious red flags! We both really liked each other and constantly were in touch some way or another, almost everyday.

Anyway, after months of talking, I find out that although he wants to move to Australia eventually (2+ years time), he doesn’t want to come now, due to work etc. Although he has some strong points, I feel he could at least come for a short holiday to see how it is with us but it seems he is making excuses. So as I see no future anymore, and I feel a “he’s just not that into me” moment, I break it off.  He took it quite badly, really didn’t want to end it and said he was pretty heartbroken.

So my problem is, even though I see no future unless I uproot my whole life and move over there to be with him, I cannot get over it! I feel depressed, I constantly think about him, I have no interest in anyone else etc etc.

You see, to give you some background knowledge, I’m extremely picky when it comes to men, and i guess some would say that i can easily have ‘sex like a man’ (you know, relations with no emotional attachment). But, I can honestly say i’ve never felt like this about a guy before and it’s screwing with my head!  Should i just go for it and move to the states for a bit? Even though he isn’t willing to do it for me? 

I know his feelings are true, but I think he got stuck on the idea that I could do all the moving because i don’t have much holding me back right now. Do you think I’m just stuck on the excitement of a summer fling and the novelty of a long distance relationship or could it be one of those moments where I should just follow my heart? I know its hard for anyone else to say, but I’m wondering if my emotions are clouding my judgement!

From Unlucky

Continue reading 'I’ve known him two weeks. Should I move countries to be with him?'

Dear Bossy: This is very difficult problem that I have had for 20 years, so good luck to you & your readers if you decide to deal with it.

I am a single middle aged woman and I want to stay single, but I also want to have friends. Unfortunately there is a very big barrier for me in getting close to people.

Currently I am trying to make friends with a new bunch of colleagues. I have recently moved cities and need new friends. My lovely friendly colleagues want to know about my love life and take me out on the town. I keep making excuses and putting them off.

My initial excuse was that I had just emerged from a relationship. Untrue. In other situations I have pretended that I am in a relationship, just so that people don’t think I am abnormal. Also untrue.

Recently I have been thinking about presenting myself as a widow. If I am convincing in this story, perhaps people may respect my ‘grief’ and leave me alone. By the way I hate lying and am not very good at it.

Due to my single status, sometimes people assume I am gay. I don’t care about the gay rumours, unless they get vicious. A couple of years ago at a company function I was asked by a senior manager if I took pleasure in seducing innocent young women. He was outraged at the monster they had all decided I was. Based on no evidence of course, simply their own salacious backroom gossip. I work in a conservative industry by the way.

In my career I have been sexually harassed (3 times) and hit upon by married men (more times than I can count). It appears these guys saw me as fair game because I am a) single b) not young, so therefore must be gagging for it. Most of these approaches made me physically ill.

Needless to say I change jobs when the speculation or harassment gets too much.

So why don’t I come out with the truth? Two reasons. I don’t think anyone could cope and I am sure they would see me as even more of a freak.

The truth is I am unable to have relationships with men. I have not had sex for 20 years, and the last time I did was truly revolting. While I am heterosexual, if I am physically close to a man I get flashbacks of my prolonged and sadistic childhood sexual abuse. So for me sex is utterly nauseating and makes me physically ill.

Regarding the abuse; I have had over 15 years of therapy and read pretty much everything. I have come a long long way and healed a great deal. But after many many tries I have finally given up on relationships. I feel that it is mean and unfair to date a man only to reject him in the end because I cannot get close to him.

So I leave all men alone and discourage any prospective wooers. I don’t hate men, I just can’t be close to them. The damage is too profound. This might seem awful, but I have finally found a kind of peace with it. This is not the problem that I am seeking advice about.

While I don’t want a relationship with a man, I do very much want friends, especially female buddies. But sooner or later my ‘weird’ single status becomes an issue because I don’t have a convincing explanation (except lies). The benign people try to match-make me, the nastier types start rumours about me having affairs, being gay etc.

One long-time friend accused me of going after her husband - I could never work out why. It broke our friendship. I had always looked on her husband as a brother figure and have never had any non-brotherly interaction with him, and I am very loyal to my friends. But I guess me hanging around being single for years just made her suspicious.

So here I am unable to tell people the truth about why I am single. So it seems easier to keep my distance altogether.

But I don’t want to stay being so isolated. It’s not healthy. I have never told anybody the truth about why I can’t have relationships except health professionals. I’m not Roseanne or Oprah. I did try to tell one long term friend who I thought could take it, but she didn’t want to know. She got up while I was mid sentence and left the room, to never mention it again.

Childhood sexual abuse is pretty horrible and I don’t expect people to be able to understand what happened to me. And I don’t want the dark secrets of my life picked over, known about and eventually judged. I’ve seen the comments about the Matthew Johns sacking and have heard all the negative comments about the victim. Good for her going public with her pain, but I’m not that brave.

I just want to know how I can get closer to people without telling them my tawdry tale and, if possible without my sad repertory of lies about non-existent relationships.

Peaceful Liar

Continue reading 'Should I lie so people don’t think I’m a celibate “freak”?'

Dear Bossy: Me and my ex have had a rather volatile relationship over the last three years. I’m still crazy about her, but I know that it cannot work out in the future. We have incompatible opinions on kids and opposing opinions on religion. I’m private, possessive, intensely and irrationally jealous while she’s normally a very open, warm, friendly (I think flirtatious, she thinks friendly), funny and very social. With way too many guy friends.

Through the relationship I’ve noticed that she’s stopped hanging out with most of her friends and has become more introverted. This pains me a great deal as I feel I may have had been the stifling and controlling boyfriend. I did not want her to change because of me.

All this led me to break up with her three times, the last and final one being 6 months ago. But I haven’t had to the heart to stop talking. Apart from being her boyfriend I was also her best friend. Recently I had become the only person she turns to apart from her mum when she’s in trouble. Also she’s had some major family problems that was causing a lot of grief so I felt I couldn’t abandon her during that period.

Just two weeks ago, on her birthday, she was sacked from a role in a company that she desperately wanted to do well in. She worked hard to get it and a lot of things rested on her maintaining that position. Losing it has shattered her confidence.

We’ve been talking almost everyday since then and I have taken her out and bought flowers etc for her birthday and also hoping to make her feel a bit better. There was no sex, kissing or even hand holding though we’ve both been generous with the hugs.

I found out yesterday that she still hasn’t accepted the breakup. She says she knows I will always be there and can’t imagine life without me. She says she believes in me and knows that I still love her. The last part may be true but this was heartbreaking to hear. I responded by telling her that I WILL move on and that we should not speak to each other anymore.

The guilt is now overwhelming. My hand is constantly on the mobile and I find myself navigating to her name on the contact list before I stop just short of dialing. I want to be there for her at least until she gets another job and is back on her feet. But I’m scared she will again get the wrong idea.

What is the right thing to do? Should I call her?

Sincerely,
Self-loathing Asshat.

Continue reading 'Am I leading her on by staying in touch?'

Dear Bossy: My husband and I have been married now for over a year. When we were first married it was a little tough for me leaving home for the first time and starting anew with my now life partner who at the time was VERY supportive. However, now we are better than ever and I love him more with each passing day. (I know some people will want a bucket to be sick in, but it’s true).

Within the first 2 weeks of being married we were watching a show and it bought up the subject of whether a person should marry again after the other has passed away. To which I posed this question to my new hubby. He replied “yes, probably to (let’s say) “Georgia”. Georgia is a long time friend whom he thought that “he would one day marry if I didn’t come along”.

When I first met Georgia at one of his birthday parties, I knew they were really good friends and went to school together but I picked up on the more than lingering hug they shared when she ran and jumped on him. I confronted him about Georgia and asked if there was a history or just a close friendship. He replied they were close friends and nothing ever happened, to which I strongly believe and have no reason to doubt.

I have since asked him if he would move on if I pass away, and he just said “I don’t want to think about that”. Then he reversed the question back onto me to which I replied, “probably not, but I have no idea”. I know everyone has a different opinion and I can’t enforce mine on them, which is not what I ever want to do to anyone, let alone my hubby.

Am I being paranoid and reading too much into the past given that we were newlyweds and I was having trouble settling into married life and now we are well on our way to 2 yrs and have settled down after all the hype of the wedding and moving away from family? I know the first few years of marriage are meant to be hard, relationships are rarely easy or problem free as I have read many times on your blog.

If I were to pass away, I want HIM to be happy, regardless. But I still have the thought in my head, that the love of my life knows who he will marry after I am gone. Should I just let it go or confront him about it?

Happily married

Continue reading 'He said he’d marry her if I died. Should I worry?'

Dear Bossy: After all the blogs re- sex, scandal etc I thought my own life was fairly sedate. Then I met Mike.

I’m 23, Mike is forty. I like older men but even by my standards forty was pushing it. I have a professional degree and am studying my masters (I’m not stupid), although I guess that’s a matter of opinion. 
I am by anyones standards very attractive. (Sounds arrogant but often younger women going for older men are perceived as desperate, ugly and stupid, wanted to remove that theory).

Mike and I met at a bar (no nice way to say it). We got chatting. I found Mike to be extremely good looking. He was very intelligent. He is not wealthy but has a good job and ‘did it for me’ if you like. I found out that night after 3 hours sitting and talking that Mike was married.

I was in a moral quandry about this. We had not had sex, but had been intimate (not overly).

After two months of meeting for lunch, subtle sexual innuendo and long conversations, I decided I was in love with Mike. I convinced myself that he was my soulmate. I can’t explain this extreme emotional swing but there you go. It was just one of those times you think you’ve met the one.

I said i could not be the ‘other woman’ and that if he really loved me he’d leave his wife. I refused to have sex with him until this occurred. 4 months later they separated (for me).

I was excited by the prospect of sex with Mike. He has a smoking hot face and is nice and tall. Gorgeous eyes and heaps of sexy intelligent conversation. I knew it was going to be amazing, and I’d been waiting for this for months.

I was about to have the shag of my life, and was quite thrilled about this. Due to the wife it was a bit forbidden, the age gap etc made things very exciting, and the guilt and passion I thought was a winning combo.

To cut a long story short… well, that really sums it up actually. It was short. Very short. Over in a second, in fact. Mike the sex god was a complete disaster in the bedroom. Not only did things end quickly ‘it was in and it was over’ he also made this weird shrieking noise at the point of climax. It was not good.

In fact, I quickly realised (after trying valiantly again to no avail) that Mike was not my soulmate and I was severely deluded.

Here is my dilemma: I want to end it but feel shallow and guilty. he’s left his wife for me and I want to break up because he’s terrible in bed. We still get on really well but I’m not attracted to him anymore.

To be honest I kind of don’t want to see him again. I could handle friendly emailing but just want him to go back to his wife and continue having bad sex with her. At the moment I’m pretending I’m interstate so as to avoid him. How do I go about this? If I do it in person he’s going to start crying, I can tell. I feel like I’ve ruined his life. Is email too harsh?

What would you do?

Sincerely,
Recent purchaser of mechanical sex toy

Continue reading 'I broke up his marriage but want to dump him now because he’s bad in bed.'

Hands up who thinks a woman’s idea of a good night out is a gang bang?

Monday night’s Four Corners program didn’t just expose the immorality of group sex in the Rugby League, it showed the incredible gap between what women want from sexual encounters and what men think they want.

We’re not talking about the pros and cons of a woman having sex with more than one man. There will always be people who enjoy – or want to try - sexual encounters with more than one person.  Nor are we talking about a couple who hook up with someone for a threesome or a woman who willingly seeks out a swingers group and winds up in an orgy.

This is about a young woman who went back to a hotel room with two rugby league players and wound up involved in sex with a ‘team’ .

Continue reading 'Hands up who thinks a woman’s idea of a good night out is a gang bang?'

Dear Bossy: I was made redundant back in February. I had been with the company for over 5 years and I was planning on staying for a few more. I had loyalty to them, I had made friends there and I thought I was well liked.

The company employees received an email from management saying that although the company had a good long term outlook it was inevitable there would be short term job losses. There was speculation the following week by everyone and I was mentally comparing myself to colleagues trying to come up with a case of whether I would stay or go. I thought I had a pretty good chance of staying. I thought they would choose to keep someone with 5 years of experience rather than a graduate they had hired the previous month (yes, apparently this was so sudden they were hiring up until January), or graduates ranging from 2 - 3 years experience. I was given a payout. I was told it was not performance based. I was not marched out of the office but allowed to finish the same day or the next, pack my things at my leisure. Of the job loss stories I have heard, I got it pretty good. In the wash I found out the company worldwide terminated 10% of its workers.

I found a short term position within a month. It has no guarantees so I could be job hunting again soon but the conditions at the moment are good. Through looking for a job, I realised I was underpaid at my previous employer and at the moment, I am on double my previous salary for only a few extra hours a week (my actual salary should be somewhere in between). So for the short term I am financially well off, again, I know I am lucky in that respect.

My question is then, why do I still feel crap when I think about it? I know I am one of the lucky ones. I knew I would not cope well with being told to go but I didn’t realise how bad it would feel. I have a lingering thought of why did they pick me? I know I will never get an answer to that question. I am still in contact with old colleagues but I now feel left out. I am no longer part of their team. I find myself dwelling on it and then feeling down about it.

I am bummed that I don’t have job security and the ability to guarantee income anymore. Fearful that when/if the time comes to look for another position, I won’t be successful. Who would want to hire the person that was the first picked for redundancy if people are hiring at all? When I look at it rationally, I know I am better off financially. The job itself was nothing to brag about, I wasn’t stimulated at the time I was let go but I did have good times where I got to travel in the past.

I am looking at the company with a fresh set of eyes and I do not have the same good opinion I did. I see there is potential elsewhere for a more interesting job. So I know I am being irrational by dwelling on it. How do I throw out the irrational, dwelling thoughts? The insecurity?

Outwardly people would think I am over it, there is no problem, but it is just something I find myself thinking about. I think if I had job security it would make it easier.

I understand there are people worse off than me and I am trying not to hold a pity party where only I am invited - I know I am comparitively lucky but I would be interested to hear other people’s experiences and ways of coping.

Continue reading 'I was retrenched. How do I stop feeling like a tool?'