Q. My friend is about to be declared bankrupt but is desperate to take a break and get away from her troubles for a while. I’m the only person available to go with her and the intimation is that I should pay her share of the holiday too. I don’t want to deny her a trip away, but my finances are not as healthy as they once were. What would you do?
A. They say that money doesn’t buy happiness — but caviar, jets, jewels, Jacuzzis foaming with Dom Pérignon, private islands, impressionist paintings … I’d sure like to experience the kind of misery that money buys. Being skint is so stressful. When I ran away from home aged 16 and ended up living in a squat, we were so broke that some nights we didn’t eat dinner; we just met at the kitchen table to read out recipes. I took to wearing my sister’s hand-me-downs, while she still had them on. My beauty regime involved using an old tube of discarded foot cream on my face — which could explain my tendency to put my foot in my mouth.
So, like you, I totally feel for your poor pal, though nobody uses the word “poor” any more — modern mores dictate that you refer to her as “underprivileged”, “disadvantaged” or “fiscally challenged”. Basically your friend will still be poor, but her vocabulary will have been enriched.
However, I don’t like the “intimation” that you are expected to pay for her. Exactly how close are you? If she’s your bestie, don’t hesitate. But a more casual friend? Well, that gives a very literal meaning to “PayPal”.
If the tide is going out on your finances you have to be honest and upfront. Explain that your bank balance reminds you of a jaded lover in bed — ie not showing the slightest interest — then suggest a more basic, less expensive break: a weekend away in a cosy country pub, a caravan park stay by the seaside somewhere or a camping trip, for example.
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To me camping is something that Graham Norton does on his chat show, but when money’s tight there’s nothing wrong with pitching a tent and sleeping under the stars — the only star I want to sleep under is Chris Hemsworth, but needs must.
If you splash out on an expensive holiday for your chum and she doesn’t show appreciation, resentments will build. This could lead to the end of the friendship, and surely she’s lost enough already.
My top tip would be a walking holiday. A pair of hiking boots and an honest debrief could be your answer. The best thing about walking is the talking. Immersed in the calm balm of mother nature your friend may then open up about what went wrong and why. This is not just cathartic but will also deepen your friendship, and good friends are life’s true treasures.
It also couldn’t hurt to cheer her up by suggesting that she write to the government apologising for her dyslexia. “Dear Insolvency Service, Sorry about any spelling errors — I tend to get my b’s and w’s mixed up, so bear with me, you bunch of bankers.”
Make it happen
The Bike & Boot hotel in Hope Valley makes a break in the Peak District appealing — not least because of the added extras, which include coffee and cakes in the afternoons and three film screenings a day. You can nab a room-only double here, right in the middle of the national park, from as little as £100 a night. There’s even a two-and-a-half-hour guided walk included on Saturdays, though rates are a little higher at weekends (bikeandboot.com).
Husband’s snoring means we can’t cruise
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Q. I’d love to go on a Caribbean cruise, but at home my husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because his snoring is so loud that it can be heard from a fair distance — we’ve even had someone knocking on our hotel door once to complain. Apart from shelling out for two cabins, is there a way around this? He doesn’t want to spend extra, but really he is in denial that it’s a big problem for me..
A. Forget sex therapy — men need to understand that there are two basic ways to please a woman: stacking the dishwasher and not snoring. A woman’s biggest fantasy in the bedroom involves getting through the night without being woken every hour by a racket equating to that of a combine harvester.
Apparently 50 per cent of women who cohabit suffer sleep deprivation because of men snoring. More annoyingly, most of the latter are in denial, refusing to believe that their decibel levels would be tolerable only if they were to sleep in a separate bedroom — preferably in, say, Nova Scotia. (Women don’t snore, by the way; we simply sleep out loud.)
A snoring hubby could come in handy on a cruise — as a fog horn. But the only way you can share a cabin without keelhauling him is with some strategic thinking. If silicone earplugs, sleeping pills and noise-cancelling headphones don’t work, just when your hubby is snuggling up mention casually that HM Revenue & Customs rang and wants to audit his accounts — he won’t get a wink all week.
Do you need Kathy’s help with a travel problem? Email us at travel@sunday-times.co.uk
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