They think it's all over. No way, Jose

If I could just map out the season ahead, now that the first round of fixtures is out of the way and we have all the evidence we need. First, contrary to public opinion, Sven Goran Eriksson does not possess all the leadership skills of a soggy lettuce but is, in fact, an astute tactical mastermind who will lead Manchester City into Europe and on to an era of unprecedented glory.

Martin Jol, on the other hand, is a deluded fool for believing Tottenham could ever leap ahead of Arsenal and break into the top four. Add to that Liverpool's Fernando Torres is a waste of money, Sam Allardyce has one foot in the Champions League despite having more gravy spots on his tie than points, Sunderland's Michael Chopra is better than Michael Owen and Manchester United have already blown the title, and that's the next nine months or so summed up in a nutshell for you.

Scroll down for more

Too soon? The comedian Stephen Wright once joked: 'I put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time', and football is close to turning itself inside out with the same indecent haste.

After a summer of hype, this campaign has already set a new world record for rash judgments, such has been the stampede to anoint a new Messiah or tar and feather one-game flops.

You only had to look at the number of injuries suffered at the weekend to spot the trend. Not the damage to expensive feet, but to knee caps cracking the underside of furniture after involuntary spasms of the leg in boardrooms, pubs and homes across the land. The first round of Premier League encounters might as well be called 'Knee-jerk Weekend' from now.

Above the sound of thumping it was just possible to recall that Eriksson has always been a fairly smart club manager who merely lacked the verve to inspire players at international level. Few doubted he would fail to drag City up a few notches from their miserable low.

Not being a man prone to excess, Eriksson also would agree that his band of relative strangers are unlikely to come across opponents quite as accommodatingly pliant and awful as West Ham in the months ahead. Even allowing for the understandable jubilation of the club's success-starved fans, he isn't the Messiah. He's still a naughty boy.

Spurs were caught cold at Sunderland, but they won't be the only ones to suffer that fate this season if Roy Keane is giving the pre-match team talk. And, despite the lemming-like cries of supporters ready to throw themselves off the top tier at White Hart Lane, it should still be an encouraging season for them.

But there are some constants in this ephemeral world, some sights more dependable than Sir Alex Ferguson pointing at his watch in the final minutes of a game; events more enduringly persistent than Keith Richards' morning cough.

I refer here to Jose Mourinho's winning habit. The man has his critics and, Lord knows, I count among them, but let us give credit where it is due and pay tribute to the magnificent landmark Chelsea reached on Sunday, setting a 64-match unbeaten record at home in the League.

In doing so, his team surpassed the mark of a team of Anfield legends including Kenny Dalglish, Graeme Souness, Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson way back in 1980. Not bad, by any measure. More so when you consider Stamford Bridge is hardly considered the impregnable fortress like Anfield was in the days of the swaying Kop.

It was achieved on Sunday with a taste of the more open, expansive football the Chelsea boss has promised to serve up this season, and Florent Malouda was a particular joy, showing signs he will star during the campaign. That is no instant judgment, either. Malouda has been splendid whenever I watched him play for Lyon or France. In fact, I was baffled when my Sportsmail colleagues omitted his name from their lists of top summer transfer deals.

When you consider Mourinho's vow to be more mellow in his approach, the fact that he has declared no player in his squad is 'untouchable' - and remember he is operating on a somewhat reduced budget (by Chelsea standards, at least) - it might even be time for a revised view of The Special One. But then it is only Week One. Let's not be too hasty.

Time for Scudamore to give 'wrong' explanations

Richard Scudamore is a good salesman, no question about that. He knows how to apply a bit of a shine on even the most unpalatable of deposits.

Put it this way, if he worked at a sewerage plant and was put in charge of deciding what lumps were too big to go through the filter, Scudamore would describe himself a 'flow facilitation consultant' and demonstrate what a success he was by jingling pockets full of damp, stinky loose change.

Quite why that analogy sprang to mind when I thought of the Premier League, I don't know. But the chief executive was out and about last week, permitting one newspaper an interview in which he tried to account for the Carlos Tevez farce.

By now, I'm sure most of you won't need all the details of the case repeated, but for recently exiled Thai dictators and the team Sven has signed from YouTube, let's just say Tevez was the guy given the green light to play for West Ham when he shouldn't have been: they stayed up, Sheffield United went down.

Scudamore explained this by saying: 'We did what was right, at the time when there were no easy answers,' an utterly meaningless phrase plucked straight from the Tony Blair book of lame justification.

He added: 'When people were calling for me to resign, I went back through the process and asked myself, "Have I done anything that was wholly wrong?"' Sorry, but what does 'wholly wrong' mean? Is he saying he didn't resign because he was only a bit wrong? Who calculated just how wrong he was? Was he 80 per cent wrong? Does he have to be 100 per cent wrong to consider his position?

We never found out. That may have been because the interview was reward for a kinder piece in the same paper the previous day that argued football was bloomin' lovely really when compared to other sports. Apparently cycling and athletics and their litany of drug cheats are treated with kid gloves by comparison to football, which is nonsense, of course.

They just engage a smaller audience in this country and the coverage (and the outrage) is proportionally less. It's the same reason a flood in Tewkesbury gets more airtime on the 10 O'Clock News than genocide in Darfur.

Besides, one of the main reasons football even attempts to be accountable is because of a fear of press exposure. 'The media have a relentless pursuit of all areas of the game - it is no longer about what just happens on the pitch.

Everyone is under increased scrutiny,' said Scudamore, and credit to him for acknowledging that at least. But mostly we get distracted by the here and now.

The game's the thing. When the whistle blew, do you think Chelsea fans were agitated about where Roman Abramovich's money came from? And how many Manchester City fans agonised over whether to cheer a goal scored by a player who may have been bought with funds tainted by human rights abuses? I'm guessing not too many.

That is why we need strong leadership. That is why the Premier League has a chief executive. He is not there to make excuses for people. He is there to ensure they act in a 'fit and proper' manner.

So it was interesting to read Scudamore explain why the Premier League failed on Tevez. He said: 'This started because West Ham did something they should not have done and then suppressed that fact, which is plainly bad faith. This is trade association. If they do not tell you the straight-up, honest truth, the whole thing collapses.'

I see. It's the fault of those beastly clubs with their rapacious investors, men who have built fortunes with cut-throat wheeling and dealing on the world's markets. Suddenly these guys just won't tell the Premier League ' straight up, honest truth' when they are asked. How fiendish of them! Now is that 'wholly wrong' or just a bit wrong?

Stupid? You said it, Sven

Sven Goran Eriksson was indignant at the very suggestion he had not seen Manchester City's new players before signing them with the club's millions.

'It can only be from stupid people,' said the Swede.

Absolutely. Who would be so stupid to dare accuse Eriksson of recruiting players he had never seen in the flesh before - apart from Theo Walcott at the last World Cup, that is? Only stupid people.

This misunderstanding may have arisen from the fact Eriksson said a few days ago: 'Most of the players I have never seen in action live, but I have seen videos...'

How stupid of everyone.

Did you see all that skilful fancy footwork in the Premier League at the weekend? Waste of time, according to one of the fleet-footed legends of the game.

Tony Cascarino says more players should opt for the approach preferred by the playground oaf - and toe-punt the ball.

'I'm surprised we don't see more,' he said, hailing the prodded goal scored by Portsmouth's Benjani Mwaruwari. 'It's a great tactic; the ball spins more and no one can predict the flight.'

Got that everyone? Forget the backheels and overhead kicks - give it a toe punt. Mr Cascarino there, proving you can take the boy out of Millwall...