I lost my husband to a rare brain tumour at just 32 - these are the lessons I've learned as a widow and single mother (including how people will always be 'extremely invested' in my dating life!)
Being alone in the room with my husband's dead body is one of the most surreal experiences of my life to date.
Not really knowing what to do, aware that although what was left looked kind of like him, it had none of the energy and soul of the Ross I knew and loved.
I guess I thought about what I was 'supposed' to do, perhaps things I had seen on TV or read of other people's experiences.
I considered doing nothing and just leaving the room and worried I may regret this when they took away his body.
Thinking back to that version of me, I want to grab her and tell her it's going to be OK.
She vaguely knew it then, even in her pain but she was drowning in the weight of everything she had carried for so long and both desperately wanted support but in equal measures wanted everyone to leave her alone.
Holly and Ross shared two daughters, Texas (left) and Brook (right) and enjoyed happy family times together
I was 32 and a mother of two daughters Texas, then four, and Brooke, then six, and about to embark on being a widowed single mother with no handbook and no clue.
Eight years on from that moment, I'm now a qualified self-development coach and founder of The Happy Me Project, helping women build their confidence.
Here are some things I have learnt that might support you if you're going through anything similar...
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN MOMENTS OF GRIEF WILL HIT
I know it's largely understood now that the 'stages of grief' aren't something to be completed and moved on with, but I wish I had understood that grief comes in waves, in moments.
For me, the second year was way harder than the first; that new grief has often opened up the wounds of old grief and it can surprise you what triggers it.
I have learnt that self-compassion is key and however grief presents itself to me is how it is supposed to be in that moment. The moment will pass and there will be joy again.
PEOPLE WILL MEAN WELL BUT SAY RIDICULOUS THINGS
We aren't good with grief and loss, and people often have no way of knowing how to deal with it. It's not a judgement of anyone because I would have been the same had I not had to walk this painful walk myself.
People mean well, but they won't always get it and at every stage this has a new version.
Early grief seemed to be about whether I was grieving in the 'right way' (i.e did I look sad). Then it became am I parenting in the right way (i.e without a man around the house).
And as I walk into my eighth year, I have found people extremely invested and interested in my dating life.
I find this intrusive, presumptuous, and lacking in awareness of how this might feel to be on the receiving end.
Thankfully at every stage I have reminded myself that people mostly mean well, even when they're wildly off the mark.
Holly struggled with being a single mother to two young girls Texas (11) and Brooke (13) at first, but found her confidence in time
Holly came up with the concept of The Happy Me Project in order to help people struggling with grief after she lost her husband, Ross
THERE'S NO CORRECT WAY TO NAVIGATE LOSS
I have trusted my gut a lot in my journey of grief and sometimes in the face of people who thought I wasn't grieving properly or should do things with my children differently.
At times I spun myself out with 'am I OK?' or 'should I be doing things this way?' because I had so many voices offering their thoughts.
There is no correct way to navigate the loss of a loved one, you just do what you can with the knowledge you have at the time.
Whatever zig-zag way you create this new version of your life will be the right way for you and no one else.
Former Waterloo Road star Holly and Ross wore dressed-down attire to their wedding day, with Holly in Nike trainers and Ross a football shirt
The couple dressed up for an evening out with their two children Texas (left) and Brooke (right)
Ross giving a piggyback to his youngest daughter, Texas
YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID
The last eight years have had extreme highs and extreme lows and I have had to remind myself that if I have felt angry at the world or even at Ross for dying, that this doesn't make me weak and unable to cope, it makes me human.
That those feelings of frustration at being a single parent and never having someone to take you out are normal, human and a reasonable response to the hand I've been dealt.
I've learnt to embrace my joy alongside loss and know that this is equally as valid as my pain and more important than ever before.
YOUR KIDS WILL BE GREAT
The troupe of 'kids are so resilient' is such nonsense. They're as resilient as we are and have all the emotional difficulties we as adults do.
It has been an utter emotional rollercoaster with my beautiful daughters but my goodness they're great people. They're empathetic, kind, strong, sassy, confident and hilarious.
I have tried to remain as open with them as possible, I have made mistakes along the way, but our chaotic little family is full of love and fun.
I have learnt to let go of how I think family life should look and embrace who we are.
LET GO OF JUDGEMENT
Holly says that while she and Ross didn't have long together, he made an incredible impact
Holly launched The Happy Me Project in 2017 just months after the death of her husband
The mother-of-two believes in the power of positive thinking, even when faced with extremely dark times
I thought I lacked judgement of others prior to Ross's death but my gosh I don't judge now. When you have walked a difficult walk you see things through very different eyes.
Things I may have questioned or judged before I now recognise don't really matter, aren't that deep and if anyone can find joy in their lives, they should follow that.
I have learnt on a painful level that we have no idea what people are dealing with or have gone through and to find connectors rather than look for what separates us.
If you currently sit in a space of judging and pointing the finger at other people's choices, be mindful that life can aggressively humble you and you may be forced to face a new reality.
THERE IS POWER IN THE PAIN
Holly has built a new life with her 'empathetic, kind, strong, sassy, confident and hilarious' daughters Texas (left) and Brooke (right)
The motivational speaker and life coach has tried to lead by example and be as emotionally open with her children as possible
Holly believes that there is no 'right' way to grieve and it's important to still find the joy in life
So much good has come because and not 'in spite of' Ross's death and that's a weird thing to place in my mind.
All my current Happy Me Project work was born off the back of pain and my desire to support others finding their joy.
You can walk through incredible pain and there will be good circling this, waiting for you to notice it and let it in.
There will be lessons and wonderful people, kindness and maybe even ways you can help others because of your new insights.
WE DON'T MOVE ON
We don't move on and away from our loved ones, we move forward with them. They come with us in everything we do, every decision, every move, every new love.
I am who I am because of having met and loved Ross and I am who I am because of having lost Ross.
Don't be scared to laugh and have joy and love and find peace in living a whole different life to what you had planned.
I know Ross would do things differently to the way I am in many ways and that's OK, I also know he trusted me to do what I needed to do. I live my life fully in honour of Ross. He didn't get long but boy did he impact and make his mark.
YOU WILL CHANGE
That might sound scary or negative but not all change is bad, in fact most isn't. The version of me Ross knew doesn't exist anymore.
I am stronger, wiser, sometimes a little jaded and intense but I am also a better person in many ways since going through this pain.
I am more grateful than ever, braver with my choices, and really appreciate life. I see the world through a different lens and every moment I have feels more valuable than it would have before.
Bestselling Bloomsbury author and former actress Holly Matthews is a qualified self-development coach and founder of The Happy Me Project, helping women build their confidence.
