Sex & Relationships

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Single stigma: Why do we still believe single people aren’t as happy as couples?

I noticed it after three people had the same reaction. A happy sigh, almost of relief. A thrilled clasping of the hands and a gleeful utterance, “that’s fantastic”, or something along those lines.

Dear Mary: My kids’ mum is an alcoholic and I am struggling to cope

Where do I begin? I am currently living with my long-term partner. We have children together, who live with us. I have full custody of the children, as she has had a drinking problem for the last two to three years and has assaulted me. She spends the majority of her time away from the house; for instance, she has been away for 12 of the last 14 days.

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‘Being with other men is self-care’ – Meet the cheaters who say affairs are saving their marriages

Missy* is 41, married and regularly sleeps with men she’s met online. “Me and my husband have never been sexually compatible,” she tells me. “I have a much higher sex drive than he does. After we got married, it really dwindled.”

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Asking for a friend: ‘My boyfriend wants an open relationship but I am not sure about it. How do I decide if it’s right for me?’

Q: My boyfriend asked me recently if I would consider the idea of being open in our relationship. It’s not something totally new to us as we have some mutual friends that are in polyamorous relationships and seem to be OK with it all. I’m not quite sure, as it’s new to me, personally. We’ve been together for eight months so we are still new enough, but we have had a great relationship so far. I don’t mind others doing it, but I suppose I hadn’t given much thought to it for me personally. I guess I am a bit worried about what my parents would say if they found out. I’m at college so I do have a bit of space from them, and to be honest I wanted to use my time at college to explore my sexuality too. At home, it’s a small town where everyone talks. But now at college I have so much more freedom. I don’t feel like my boyfriend is pressuring me, and we have had some good chats about it, but I feel nervous about making it a reality. What do I need to look out for if I do decide to take this route in my relationship?

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That mysterious account watching your Stories: why people make burner accounts to stalk their ex online

Katie* was in the early stages of dating a guy when he went on holiday to Mexico. After she viewed some suspicious Stories on his Instagram account, the 22-year-old had a hunch that he’d jetted abroad with someone else.

Frolo founder Zoë Desmond: ‘It’s not unusual to see kids described as baggage on traditional dating apps’

When Zoë Desmond was navigating being a newly single mum in London, she craved the camaraderie and support of other single parents, so she did what any 21st-century, entrepreneurial-minded individual would do — she built an app for that.

Dear Mary: I’m 22 and feel my family is suffocating me with their rigid rules

I feel alone all the time. Don’t get me wrong — I have a caring family, a mom and a dad. However, I feel they suffocate me. Either I have to abide by their rules or hit the road. I work, come home, chill on Netflix, or work out.

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Asking for a friend: ‘I’m marrying my friend’s brother but she’s been distant with me since the engagement and I haven’t asked her to be bridesmaid’

I’m having an issue with my soon-to-be sister-in-law. We were friends in college for three years, and stayed in touch since, although we hung out less frequently. I met her brother, who I hadn’t known before, when I went to a party, and we instantly got on. We started dating and ended up spending most of our time together. I have to admit, this meant I saw my friend even less, but we were both so busy. Since my fiancé popped the question, she’s been really distant. I don’t know how to manage this, and I’ve been busy planning the wedding, so I haven’t tackled it head-on. I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid as I don’t want a huge wedding as I would feel overwhelmed. I miss her but I worry that our friendship is never going to be as close again. I keep thinking about it but don’t know how to bring up the subject. Would it be better to have my boyfriend there so that he could be a buffer and make it easier?

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Hira Ali Opinion This is why I had an arranged marriage, and you might wish you had too

Let me take you through a very common conversation about arranged marriage:

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Jennie Young Opinion I tried an alternative way to date – and it worked

After years of frustration on dating apps, I still desperately wanted to find the needle in the haystack. On a night when I was feeling especially pathetic, I googled, “How do you find a needle in a haystack?” The answer, according to multiple sites, is that you burn the haystack.

Dear Mary: We have the neighbours from hell. It’s so bad we feel pressured to sell up and move away

I would appreciate your advice on a difficult issue. My wife and I moved back to the country some years ago with our young family. My wife had inherited a house, which meant a great deal to her having been raised there. She is from the area, but has no family there any more. I am not from there; my extended family live elsewhere.

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Asking for a friend: ‘I’m single seven years and I’m not interested in sex anymore. Should I even bother trying to meet someone?’

A reader writes in with a question for Dr West:

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How to dump and be dumped: These are the new rules of celebrity breakups

If there is one rule of celebrity relationships, it’s this: don’t give an interview about your enduring love that works in spite of long distances/vast age gaps/not enjoying the same things — because the next interview you give may be the ‘it’s over’ one.

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‘I’ve lost the will to live on them’: Meet the most desired men on dating apps

We all know about the men who fail at dating apps. The men we sometimes call incels. The men whose Hinge acts like it’s stuck in airplane mode. The men whose only experience of eye contact with a woman happens on TikTok. The men with no likes. The men who cope and seethe online. But what about the chads?

Dear Mary: My husband wants me to experiment with cuckolding, but I am afraid it’ll ruin my marriage if I agree

I am in a bit of a dilemma. I am in my mid 50s and a grandmother. During lockdown, my husband and I spent a lot more time together than we had done before as, pre pandemic, we would have been busy with our hobbies — golf and bowling.

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Asking for a friend: I’m queer but have not yet worked up the courage to come out and I’m nervous about dating. How do I take the next steps?

Q: I’m in my first year of college, and I’m working up the courage to come out as gay. I’ve known I was gay for a few years but I never felt comfortable telling anyone. I come from a small town, and I’ve heard the people I know there say bad things about gay people before. I’m not comfortable coming out to my parents just yet, so I want to keep this from them for now and just see if I can explore at college. I live away from my town, so I feel safer around this. I have been to a gay bar just once before for a birthday party and wouldn’t mind going again, but I don’t really have anyone to go with and to be honest, I’m still scared about actually dating in real life. I know I’m queer and I’m happy to be queer, but I’m just not sure how to take it from my head to real life. I worry I’ll come across as inexperienced and naive, or just awkward. It feels like the right time, so how do I take the next steps?

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I suspected my dad was having an affair for a decade, but now I know it’s true do I tell my mother?

Question: My parents have been married for over 40 years. I have a very close relationship with my mum but more of a distant relationship with my dad. This is partly because, for the past 10 years or so, I have suspected he was having an affair. My suspicions were confirmed at Christmastime and it’s been on my mind ever since. I spoke to my older sister about it and she thinks our mother already knows. My parents have been in separate bedrooms for a long time and she says they are essentially divorced but still living under the same roof. She could be correct but even if that’s the case, it doesn’t sit right with me. I recently became a father myself and I don’t want to bring my son up in a family where secrets are buried and where people hide who they really are. I’m thinking of telling my mother what I found out at Christmas. She might know already, but maybe she needs to know she has the support of her children? At the same time, they’re both getting older and the stress might be more than they can bear. What should I do?

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From gravediggers to priests: Everything I learnt from going on 100 dates with 100 men

I was heartbroken – my husband had left me for another woman – and I was struggling to get my self-image and confidence back.

Dear Mary: My wife won’t have sex or even touch me any more. Could her hysterectomy be the reason?

I’m in my early 70s and my wife is four years younger than me. Three years ago, she just stopped having sex. I still miss sex and it would take very little intimacy to satisfy my needs these days, but she refuses to engage with me at all.

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A 26-year-old woman’s sex diary: ‘We have sex twice and sign up for Tesco clubcards between rounds’

Please note the article below contains details about sex that might not be suitable for some readers

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A 31-year-old woman’s sex diary: ‘What starts with a little fondle turns into me yelling in pleasure’

Please note the article below contains details about sex that might not be suitable for some readers

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A 51-year-old woman’s sex diary: ‘I spend the evening masturbating — not because I am especially horny but because I am stressed’

Please note the article below contains details about sex that might not be suitable for some readers

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Asking for a friend: I’m in my 40s, live rurally and have never had a long-term relationship. I don’t think I even know what love is...

Q: I’m in my early 40s, and I hate to admit it but I haven’t really dated a lot in my life. Any relationship I’ve tried to build hasn’t lasted more than a few months, so I’ve never known what it’s like to have a long-term relationship. I think that if I was really being honest, I’ve never been in love and don’t really know what love is. I’ve never treated women badly, and I would like to think my friends and family would describe me as a good person with good manners. I don’t think I am ugly either, but I live in a rural location where there aren’t a lot of single people, let alone single women my age. I feel very frustrated as I would love nothing more than meeting someone special and settling down. Some of my friends joke that they are jealous of my ‘bachelor lifestyle’ but I find myself jealous of their relationships as I don’t want to be a ‘bachelor’, whatever that really means now.

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The reality of sex with a disability: ‘My body may not work well — but orgasms are free pain relief’

Recent conversations about access to contraception and the review of the secondary school sex-education curriculum have expanded our understanding of sexual wellness. However, the experiences of disabled people have been largely missing from the conversations .

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Let’s talk about the L-word: ‘I think more Irish women than not are struggling with libido and desire’

As a GP nurse in South Co Dublin, Samantha* has seen both ends of the spectrum when it comes to women and sexual desire.

Dear Mary: I’m the second wife and I always seem to come second fiddle to everything else in my husband’s life

I’m a second wife, or Wife Number Two and not Wife Number One. Wife Number One was unfortunately only in her 30s when she passed due to cancer, leaving two children and a broken-hearted husband.

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Asking for a friend: ‘Abusive relationships have ruined my self-esteem – how do I learn to love myself again?’

I’ve been single for almost two years, and it’s mostly okay, but I would love to be in a relationship again. The issue is, my self-esteem is so low. I had a couple of abusive relationships that really just destroyed my confidence. I let myself go and struggled with depression. I’ve lost some friends and I don’t really know where to begin with dating. I’ve tried dating apps, but it hasn’t really worked so far. I either chicken out of meeting someone or pick guys that seem nice online, but we don’t click in real life. Sometimes I’ve gone home in tears after another waste of a date. I feel like I’m going to end up single forever, and I feel stuck in a loop of blaming myself for getting into bad situations and not being able to feel like I love myself. Where do I even start to try to break this cycle and actually care about myself so someone else can love me too?

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Could a marriage sabbatical energise your relationship?

Romantic relationships may be joyous, but they are also hard work. And even the happiest couples need a reboot on occasion.

Dear Mary: I fantasise about women and prefer sleep to sex with my husband. Am I a lesbian?

I’m 60 years old, and have never had an orgasm by penetration alone. I fantasise about sex with women, but I’m not emotionally attracted to them. I admire pretty women, but I’m not physically attracted to them. Does that mean I’m a lesbian?

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Modern Morals: I want to search my husband's phone after finding lingerie in his office that’s obviously not for me

Question: I found a gift box containing lingerie in my husband’s office. It is not in my size — not even close. I would never in a million years wear what I saw in that box. It’s been almost 10 years since he bought me lingerie. The gift is clearly not meant for me.