Sex & Relationships

Dear Mary: My mother is a racist and my boyfriend is a person of colour

I have a wonderful boyfriend that I met in college and I love him to bits. He is thoughtful, loving, very kind and even thinking about him puts a smile on my face.

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Asking for a friend: ‘My wife and I are separated but still live together because we can’t afford to rent two houses. I feel trapped and frustrated’

My wife and I decided to separate a year ago, as we both felt it was the right thing to do for our relationship. It had fizzled out and it felt like we had become more like friends rather than romantic partners, and we have stayed friends since. However, we have had to live together since our separation as neither of us can afford to rent a new place, and neither of us wants to share a room with someone else — we are in our thirties and too old to do that. The housing crisis has meant that we feel stuck together. Neither of us have dated much, at least to the point of wanting to bring someone home, and even if we made it that far, we would have to figure out how the logistics of that would work with our exes in the house. I feel so stuck and I don’t want to start resenting my ex, but I feel so frustrated. Thankfully, we have separate rooms, but it’s still so difficult. It’s stressing me out and I am starting to feel uncomfortable at home, and generally try to avoid her lately. She seems upset by this, but I don’t even know where to begin to explain how we can fix this.

Dear Mary: Housework wars are destroying my marriage — no matter how much I do, it’s never enough for my wife

My wife and I have been married for seven years and we have been pretty happy — until Covid-19 hit. I started working from home and she did the same, and things have just become very uncomfortable.

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Asking for a friend: My husband has erectile dysfunction but he won’t talk about it and avoids any kind of intimacy. What now?

Q: My husband has started having issues with our sexual activity. He has been struggling to keep his erection, and it’s stopping us having sex — of any kind. He won’t talk about it and we haven’t even tried to have sex in a while. I know he’s embarrassed, but I don’t know what to do. I feel so rejected and frustrated. He won’t even hug me now and changes the subject when I try to bring it up. I’ve tried being gentle and even though I regret it, I have lost my temper at him and probably said things I shouldn’t have. I want to be able to enjoy intimacy and I can’t understand why he won’t even talk about it. I tried speaking to my doctor but he won’t say much to me, just that my husband has to come in himself — but that is not happening right now. I’ve tried suggesting date nights, but he says he’s busy or too tired. I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t dream of having an affair or anything, but I just don’t know what to do, and I feel unwanted and unloved. I know that’s not true but I can’t help thinking it sometimes. Where do we go from here?

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Roisin O'Connor Opinion ‘I’d 1,000 per cent rather be ghosted than told all the reasons you don’t like me’ – The toxic dating behaviour that suddenly isn’t

A ghost came back to haunt me this summer. I’d gone on a first date with a guy. We agreed it went well and planned to meet up again after I got back from holiday. We continued messaging while I was away; the conversation was good, definitely better than your average “hey what you up to”s. A week into the holiday, though, I replied to one of his WhatsApps and suddenly… nothing. This wasn’t the first time he’d taken a few days to reply, so I shrugged. Maybe he was busy. But a few days became seven, by which point I wrote him off, my logic being that he was no longer interested. I’d officially been ghosted.

Dear Mary: I’m wary of my mother-in-law’s partner. Should I let my teenage daughter sleep over at their house?

Myself and my husband have just one child, a daughter, who is in her very early teens. As you can imagine, she is the centre of our universe and gives us endless joy — as well as a few tears now that she is beginning to question some of our decisions when she doesn’t agree with them.

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Women reveal how they tricked their partners with ‘Mastermind’ trend inspired by Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift’s song Mastermind off her latest album, Midnights, has inspired women to share the masterful ways they mind tricked their partners into dating them.

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Asking for a friend: ‘I had some awful sexual encounters a few years ago. Now I am trying to date again but it is bringing up my past traumas’

Another reader sends in a query. If you would like to ‘ask for a friend’, send your questions to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr West regrets she cannot answer questions privately.

Dear Mary: My girlfriend says I don’t care and she threatens suicide when I try to break up the relationship

I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years and we have lived together for three. We both work and we’re both university students and we have two dogs together.

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Asking for a friend: ‘All my college friends are drunkenly hooking up at house parties, but I don’t even know how to approach a girl. How do I learn about sex and dating?’

Q: I’m 18 and in my first year of college. I’ve gone to a few house parties, and it’s been fun so far but I am worried about dating and having sex. I don’t have a whole lot of experience but everyone else seems to be getting drunk and having sex at these parties. There’s a few girls I like, and it’s not as if I feel like I have to have sex in a relationship, but I’m not sure house parties are my thing. Last time I went, I walked in on someone by accident, and I would die of embarrassment if that happened to me.

Dear Mary: Our marriage is OK and the sex is great, but I think I want out and don’t know why

My husband and I have been married for 21 years and together for 24. We are in our mid- 40s. We have two adult children and one grandchild. Over the last few years, I have slowly been losing my desire to be married.

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Asking for a friend: ‘My partner wants nude photos of me but I’m worried he’ll share them with friends. Should I just do it?’

Another reader sends in a query. If you would like to ‘ask for a friend’, send your questions to drwestanswersyourquestions@independent.ie. Dr West regrets she cannot answer questions privately.

Dear Mary: I’m scared about starting college as I’ve never kissed a girl. How do I begin to meet people and fit in?

I am a very lonely guy in my late teens and I don’t know how to start dating girls. I don’t even know when or how I should kiss a girl. I really am amazed that I am writing to you at all because I am so embarrassed to admit all of this.

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Asking for a friend: I’m newly single but find it hard to orgasm with sexual partners and it feels like a performance. What can I do?

Q: I’m newly single and almost 30, and while I have enjoyed dating since becoming single, I have had some issues with intimacy. I found that while I am on my own, things run smoothly when I masturbate. The issue is, with new people I have been seeing, I haven’t managed to orgasm with them, and I feel very self conscious about this. The guys have been good at asking what I like but the magic just isn’t happening. I am finding it hard to shake off the feeling that this is a performance, and I am getting frustrated that I can’t seem to get past this block and enjoy my dating experiences fully. I feel like I want the process to speed up as I feel very conscious about the time it takes trying to make me orgasm. I worry about my partners feeling offended that I haven’t had an orgasm, and that they think I haven’t had a good time. I do enjoy it, but just wish an orgasm was easier to experience, the same way it’s easier when I am alone. Where do I go from here?

Dear Mary: My ex always put her needs first so I ended the marriage soon after I moved here. Was I right?

I have recently moved to Ireland from South America. I was in a relationship for some time before we married. Very recently, I decided to end the marriage.

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Dating in rural Ireland: ‘Farmers have to cancel dates because they’ve got trespassers or cows in a ditch – it totally takes over’

She wasn’t long into online dating when Vicki realised that she needed something more specific than what was on offer from Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and Bumble, the three dating apps she tried.

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Asking for a friend: ‘My partner wants us to explore our sexual fantasies but I don’t really like porn. How can I be more open with him about what I want?’

My partner said that they were interested in exploring our fantasies together. We have explored a little bit, but I am unsure of how to figure out both talking to him about this and making it all a reality. I’m not used to being very open about this kind of stuff, which has caused issues in past relationships. My current partner has a little bit more experience than I do, and seems to be more confident than I am. I’m used to going along with what my partners want, and it’s usually been okay. I want our relationship to grow and I like this guy a lot, so I am looking forward to doing this. I am just not sure where to start. I don’t really like porn and don’t know how I would feel if he suggested watching it together. I know other people seem to like that, but I haven’t really seen a lot of porn that I like. Do you think this is something I can become more comfortable with?

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Why are men so bad at sexting?

Picture the scene. It’s New Year’s Eve, and you’ve just stepped away from the clamour of the coked-up boys and their NFT portfolios to get some air outside. A stranger comes out to join you, and you feel the grip on your Aldi prosecco tighten a little when you notice how handsome he is. Minutes pass in seconds. Something wild and intoxicating is in the air, louder than the EDM playlist and thicker than the plumes of cigarette smoke. Then it happens: he leans in slowly, places his hand awkwardly on the small of your back, and whispers those seven little words in your ear: “I may need to see the booty.”

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I never thought I would sit in a room full of strangers and say the words, ‘I am a sex addict’

I didn’t know my problem even had a name – all I knew was that I couldn’t control my sexual behaviour. For me, sex had become all-consuming; a way of life. I returned to the same behaviours over and over despite the consequences (to me and to my family) becoming worse and worse.

Dear Mary: My friend can’t orgasm with a man or by herself. How can I help her?

I have a close friend in her 30s who has never had an orgasm — either with a man or on her own. She says she doesn’t mind, that she enjoys sex and has tried to masturbate but with no success. She isn’t in a long-term relationship at the moment, but over the years she has had a couple of them.

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Asking for a friend: I’ve never enjoyed receiving oral sex, but my new boyfriend is very keen for us to try it. What should I do?

Asking for a friend:

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Life as an intimacy director: ‘Watching a film or TV show, I can tell if an actor is uncomfortable doing a sex scene’

I became an actor in the 1980s and worked for over 15 years with various theatre companies. Along the way I became more interested in physical storytelling so I went to the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama in London and did a masters degree in movement for actors.

Dear Mary: My wife of 30 years is no fun any more and is always too tired for everything, including sex

I am a happily married man in my 60s, married for over 30 years with three children and a clatter of grandchildren who gladden my heart every time I see them. When I married, my wife was just amazing — beautiful, full of fun, a great hostess, had endless patience with all my foibles, was ready to join in any adventure and was a marvellous mother to our children.

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Asking for a friend: My single friend doesn’t trust my partner and says he will cheat, but I love him and her negativity is annoying me. What should I do?

Q: I have a friend that won’t stop interfering in my relationship, and I am so close to losing it with her. She never liked my partner of almost a year, and she keeps picking up on little things and turning them into big things. We have been friends for years and used to share every detail about our dating experiences, but she hasn’t had a boyfriend since her last relationship ended two years ago. She keeps bringing up stuff from the start of our relationship and makes it very clear that she doesn’t trust him. I love my partner, but it’s getting harder to deal with her suggesting he might cheat on me or that she doesn’t think he is good enough for me. We don’t have any issues in our relationship, and I like how it is going, but her constant negativity is annoying me. My partner doesn’t want to be around her now because he feels like he can’t do anything right, which impacts me when we want to go out in a group of friends. I feel like I have to choose between them, and I don’t know what to do.

Dear Mary: My daughter’s boyfriend is a layabout. I don’t like him and I think he’s after her inheritance

My daughter is in her early 30s and is the apple of our eyes. She is our only child — not for the want of trying, but it just didn’t happen for us. She did really well at school and college and has a fantastic job that she loves.

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Asking for a friend: Health issues affect my sex life and I’m worried I won’t be enough for my girlfriend — how do I talk to her about it?

Q: I am really worried about the future of my relationship right now. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost seven months, and I really love her and would love to see a future with her. The issue is that my sex life is often impacted by my health.

Dear Mary: My partner’s foreplay is predictable and boring. It’s turning me off sex

I’m a woman in my 30s and my partner of many years, who I love, has a few moves that he does to get things going in the bedroom.

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Asking for a friend: ‘The guy I’ve been dating for two months told me he loved me but I didn’t say it back and now he’s avoiding me’

Q: The guy that I am seeing told me that he loved me, and I didn’t know what to say. I know I have feelings for him, but I don’t know yet if it is love. Now it just feels awkward, and I can tell he is hurt. He started to make excuses not to see me, saying he was busy. I’m not sure of my feelings and thought we were just having a good time hanging out together. I haven’t thought about a long-term future as it’s only been a short time (almost two months), and we haven’t had any conversations about being in an exclusive relationship or any sort of commitment beyond just spending time together. I just thought he was cool and liked spending time together, but now I am unsure as to where to go from here. I was in a long-term relationship until six months ago, and I don’t know if I want to commit to someone else already. What should I say to him?

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Tinder at 10: ‘I was catfished by a fake Gabriel Byrne who kept cancelling on me’

When it was revealed that Tinder was celebrating its 10th anniversary, my first thought was, ‘Surely there must be some mistake?’ I probably only spent four or five years on the dating app, where people swipe left and right to find matches, but truly, it felt like 124 years.

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Asking for a Friend: My girlfriend wants us to be more kinky and try swinging. I don’t want to let her down but the idea of it really scares me

Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and things have been really good. We get on really well and are making plans for our future as we love each other and being together.