Sex & Relationships

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Why are men so bad at sexting?

Picture the scene. It’s New Year’s Eve, and you’ve just stepped away from the clamour of the coked-up boys and their NFT portfolios to get some air outside. A stranger comes out to join you, and you feel the grip on your Aldi prosecco tighten a little when you notice how handsome he is. Minutes pass in seconds. Something wild and intoxicating is in the air, louder than the EDM playlist and thicker than the plumes of cigarette smoke. Then it happens: he leans in slowly, places his hand awkwardly on the small of your back, and whispers those seven little words in your ear: “I may need to see the booty.”

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I never thought I would sit in a room full of strangers and say the words, ‘I am a sex addict’

I didn’t know my problem even had a name – all I knew was that I couldn’t control my sexual behaviour. For me, sex had become all-consuming; a way of life. I returned to the same behaviours over and over despite the consequences (to me and to my family) becoming worse and worse.

Dear Mary: My friend can’t orgasm with a man or by herself. How can I help her?

I have a close friend in her 30s who has never had an orgasm — either with a man or on her own. She says she doesn’t mind, that she enjoys sex and has tried to masturbate but with no success. She isn’t in a long-term relationship at the moment, but over the years she has had a couple of them.

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Asking for a friend: I’ve never enjoyed receiving oral sex, but my new boyfriend is very keen for us to try it. What should I do?

Asking for a friend:

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Life as an intimacy director: ‘Watching a film or TV show, I can tell if an actor is uncomfortable doing a sex scene’

I became an actor in the 1980s and worked for over 15 years with various theatre companies. Along the way I became more interested in physical storytelling so I went to the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama in London and did a masters degree in movement for actors.

Dear Mary: My wife of 30 years is no fun any more and is always too tired for everything, including sex

I am a happily married man in my 60s, married for over 30 years with three children and a clatter of grandchildren who gladden my heart every time I see them. When I married, my wife was just amazing — beautiful, full of fun, a great hostess, had endless patience with all my foibles, was ready to join in any adventure and was a marvellous mother to our children.

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Asking for a friend: My single friend doesn’t trust my partner and says he will cheat, but I love him and her negativity is annoying me. What should I do?

Q: I have a friend that won’t stop interfering in my relationship, and I am so close to losing it with her. She never liked my partner of almost a year, and she keeps picking up on little things and turning them into big things. We have been friends for years and used to share every detail about our dating experiences, but she hasn’t had a boyfriend since her last relationship ended two years ago. She keeps bringing up stuff from the start of our relationship and makes it very clear that she doesn’t trust him. I love my partner, but it’s getting harder to deal with her suggesting he might cheat on me or that she doesn’t think he is good enough for me. We don’t have any issues in our relationship, and I like how it is going, but her constant negativity is annoying me. My partner doesn’t want to be around her now because he feels like he can’t do anything right, which impacts me when we want to go out in a group of friends. I feel like I have to choose between them, and I don’t know what to do.

Dear Mary: My daughter’s boyfriend is a layabout. I don’t like him and I think he’s after her inheritance

My daughter is in her early 30s and is the apple of our eyes. She is our only child — not for the want of trying, but it just didn’t happen for us. She did really well at school and college and has a fantastic job that she loves.

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Asking for a friend: Health issues affect my sex life and I’m worried I won’t be enough for my girlfriend — how do I talk to her about it?

Q: I am really worried about the future of my relationship right now. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost seven months, and I really love her and would love to see a future with her. The issue is that my sex life is often impacted by my health.

Dear Mary: My partner’s foreplay is predictable and boring. It’s turning me off sex

I’m a woman in my 30s and my partner of many years, who I love, has a few moves that he does to get things going in the bedroom.

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Asking for a friend: ‘The guy I’ve been dating for two months told me he loved me but I didn’t say it back and now he’s avoiding me’

Q: The guy that I am seeing told me that he loved me, and I didn’t know what to say. I know I have feelings for him, but I don’t know yet if it is love. Now it just feels awkward, and I can tell he is hurt. He started to make excuses not to see me, saying he was busy. I’m not sure of my feelings and thought we were just having a good time hanging out together. I haven’t thought about a long-term future as it’s only been a short time (almost two months), and we haven’t had any conversations about being in an exclusive relationship or any sort of commitment beyond just spending time together. I just thought he was cool and liked spending time together, but now I am unsure as to where to go from here. I was in a long-term relationship until six months ago, and I don’t know if I want to commit to someone else already. What should I say to him?

Dear Mary: At 38, the thoughts of pregnancy and birth frighten me but my husband wants us to have kids

I’m very confused at the moment and need some help sorting out my feelings. I’m 38 years of age, happily married, but my husband is anxious to start a family. I am not ready for this step and am aware that my childbearing years are running out.

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Tinder at 10: ‘I was catfished by a fake Gabriel Byrne who kept cancelling on me’

When it was revealed that Tinder was celebrating its 10th anniversary, my first thought was, ‘Surely there must be some mistake?’ I probably only spent four or five years on the dating app, where people swipe left and right to find matches, but truly, it felt like 124 years.

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Asking for a Friend: My girlfriend wants us to be more kinky and try swinging. I don’t want to let her down but the idea of it really scares me

Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and things have been really good. We get on really well and are making plans for our future as we love each other and being together.

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We’ve spent 10 years on Tinder – will we spend eternity?

It’s easy to think of 2012 as a simpler time. Indeed, it’s become something of a cliche for centrist media types to rhapsodise about the London Olympics as the last bastion of a more liberal age. Yet when it comes to dating, it’s difficult to deny that a decade ago seems like a different era entirely: a lost world of slipping someone your number, putting personal ads in a newspaper, or connecting with a bookshop magnate in an “over-30s” chatroom. Before “ghosting”, “catfishing” and “breadcrumbing” conjured anything other than children’s fairy tales.

Dear Mary’s 14 tips for a happy marriage: 50 years on from her own wedding, our agony aunt shares her lessons

I am celebrating 50 years of marriage this year, and was asked to write an article on my tips for a happy marriage. My immediate response was ‘frequent absences’, as my husband John is often away from Ireland, sometimes for quite long stretches, and I often reflect that these absences do a lot for the relationship. Every couple has their ups and downs and we are no different, but the absences mean that when we see each other again after a long absence, we appreciate what we have.

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Asking for a Friend: ‘My boyfriend and I had decided we wanted children but I think I’ve changed my mind’

Q: My boyfriend and I have hit a bit of a brick wall and I don’t know how to get past this. We had said before that we wanted children, and we have been together for just about six years. Lately I’ve been feeling that I am not so sure anymore. My friends who became parents seem really stressed out, and we never really get to see them anymore as they are either busy or tired. I love that we can go on holidays together when we want, and I like my own space. I know we must talk as we are in our thirties and need to really decide, but I just don’t know where to start. I don’t want to disappoint him. He seems to love spending time with his nieces and nephews and talks about wanting children one day. I just don’t know if I want to be a parent.

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Modern morals: I’m dating a new woman and it’s going well – but when should I tell her I don’t want kids?

Question: I met a woman on a dating app recently and we’ve gone on about four dates. I really like her and I believe we have the potential to become a couple. The thing is, I’ve never wanted to have children and while we haven’t discussed this subject, I’m wondering when I should tell her.

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Kate Ng Opinion Straight men, if you want to find love you’ll need to do better

It seems like it’s harder than ever to be a single heterosexual person looking for love. Judging by the endless dispatches from my female friends in the dating pool trenches, finding a single man who is not An Arsehole is akin to staying cool during this heatwave: impossible. These friends report being patronised, fetishised or insulted by potential dates, who apparently think this is how they are going to find the woman of their dreams.

Andrew Tate: Who is the controversial TikTok influencer?

If you’re a regular user of social media, namely Instagram or TikTok, it’s likely that you may have seen one or two videos of Andrew Tate on your feed in recent weeks.

Dear Mary: Can I trust my new boyfriend when he lied about his age?

I met a guy on Tinder and we’ve been seeing each other for three months. I really like him and the ‘exclusive’ conversation has been had. However, he revealed something that shook me a bit last week. We were chatting about the future and he admitted that he had lied to me about his age. It turns out that he is eight years older than me, whereas he told me he was only one year older.

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Asking for a friend: I gamble because I’ve a higher sex drive than my fiancée who hates her body – what should I do?

Q: I have had an issue with gambling on and off for a long time. I agreed to give it up but have slipped a few times over the years. My fiancée gave me enough chances and I knew what I was doing was wrong.

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Jenny Singer Opinion I don’t miss being single – but here’s why I do miss first dates

If I wake up one day in hell, surrounded by columns of fire, my insides being applied to a cheese grater, I will not have any questions. I will know why I am there: I love dating.

Dear Mary: I’m 14 and I am scared to be a lesbian because I want to fit into the ‘normal’

I am a 14-year-old girl. I’ve been thinking about my sexuality recently and I’m scared of becoming a lesbian because I want to fit into the “normal”. The thought of being with a woman pleases me and I cannot imagine myself being with a man. I want to like men to fit into the “normal”, but the thought of liking/being with a woman just overruns that thought.

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Asking for a friend: ‘My fiancé earns more than I do and wants a huge wedding I can’t afford. It’s becoming an issue’

My fiancé earns more money than I do, and it’s starting to become an issue. It wasn’t a big deal before, as we would often take turns paying for things, and we hardly went out during the pandemic. However, now that we are planning our wedding more seriously for two years’ time, I am starting to see an issue. He wants to have a huge wedding with so many extras, and then have a big honeymoon somewhere on an island. It makes me anxious as my wages won’t stretch to that, and I don’t want to get into debt. He says he will pay for it from his wages, but I don’t feel comfortable having him pay for most of it. We are paying for it ourselves and wouldn’t dream of asking or taking money from either set of parents. I don’t know how to say this to him as I don’t want to hurt him or make him think I don’t want to get married. But I just wonder about our future if I never earn as much as him.

Five ways to avoid the pitfalls of DIY divorce

For many divorcing couples, the split of assets seems straightforward. It means sharing property and personal possessions, and maybe working out maintenance fees for children.

Dear Mary: I caught my partner of 20 years looking at naked women online and I’m now afraid he might cheat on me

I’ve been with my partner for over 20 years now.

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Asking for a friend: ‘I’m in my late twenties and still with my childhood sweetheart. I feel like we’re living a middle-aged life. Am I missing out on having fun with the lads?’

Q: I’ve been with my partner since we were in school, and we are now in our late twenties. We grew up together, and our families get on great. Everyone is always saying they can’t wait for our wedding, and it’s started to make me nervous. My friends aren’t close to settling down and I’m starting to wonder if my relationship is right for me. I wonder if I’m missing out and should be out there partying instead. They are going on lads’ holidays, and my girlfriend and I never seem to go anywhere. I feel like I’m living a middle-aged life. Do I break up with my partner, or just stay and hope that things change? I feel like something needs to change, but I don’t know what — or when. We have lived together for the past five years and would be looking into getting a mortgage in the next couple of years. Maybe I’m just getting cold feet?

Ever been ghosted? A politician wants to make it a criminal offence

A Filipino politician is seeking to create a law which would make the act of ‘ghosting’ a form of emotional abuse and criminal offence.

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Dear Mary: My husband keeps denying me sex. I’m so frustrated that I’m thinking of getting it elsewhere

Mary O'Conor takes a look at another reader’s issue.