Setting money boundaries with friends

Like most people, I love my friends and I enjoy spending time with them.

Everyday life of course throws us challenges including busy schedules, living in different cities, competing priorities, having our own families and other commitments. It can mean catching up is hard.

Unfortunately, when we could make up for lost time and see our friends again after the extensive COVID-19 lockdowns, the issue of being able to afford to do things was real.

Not only is this a shame and frustrating but it has also meant that I've had to set boundaries with my friends around money.

Now I'm in a pretty fortunate position but nevertheless things are still tight. I have two children who do a lot of activities, financial commitments like a house and bills, and the other daily expenses which right now seem to cost more than ever.

As a friend who always used to say yes — yes to that girl's trip away, yes to attending a concert, yes to going out for dinner — now I've had to hit pause.

Instinctively, I still go to say yes because the truth is, I do want to do these things. I want to enjoy my life and make memories and make up for the two years where I couldn't.

But now, I have to willingly make it a non-option by saying no, or providing conditions, because like many I need to reduce my spending.

These conditions, based around money, are hard to speak out loud — especially to friends.

Sometimes it feels as if you are saying they aren't important (or not as important as other things or people) and it can be hard not to offend or upset them.

But it is something I have had to do and will continue to have to do for the time being.

While I'm not an expert, the things that have worked for me include being completely honest and up-front.

I have told friends who have invited me on holidays or trips away that right now I just can't commit to that because everything is so uncertain.

I have been proactive. I've tried to talk to my friends about money more regularly and more openly, often explaining that doing some things is just not an option for me. That way they know and can take that into consideration before extending me an invitation to something in the future.

I take more time to consider invitations. In the past, I have always been an instant "yes" person. Now, I don't reply straight away, or I tell a friend that I need to think about it, talk to my partner about it and get back to them. This allows me to really think through the invitation, work out costs and make a considered decision.

I suggest an alternative. If I say no to a trip away, I invite my friend to stay with me, or ask to stay with them. If they ask to go to a concert, I'll try and find live music that is free, or at a reduced cost, that is still something we both like but without the huge price tag.

Sometimes though, it doesn't, and it can be uncomfortable, and feelings can get hurt.

Bigger trips or occasions like milestone birthdays or baby showers can often become more personal to the invitee and saying no, regardless of why, can be upsetting.

For this, I've found there isn't really a clear-cut answer but talking about it with them helps. Sometimes it can be extra details that help them understand your perspective.

The thing about friends is, the majority of them just want to spend time with you. They don't care what you do or where you go and while an island getaway will be nice one day, for now a nostalgic move night in will do the trick.

Shona Hendley is a freelance writer and ex-secondary school teacher from regional Victoria. She lives with her four fish, three goats, two cats and one chicken, as well as her two human children and husband. Find her @shonamarion.