How to deal with differences in intercultural relationships

Couples from different backgrounds tend to see me because they're having trouble communicating.

And whether it's couples of different races, nationalities, or ethnicities or who have different religious, tribal or caste backgrounds, I often find there are instances when these communication issues have a lot to do with their fundamental differences.

Intercultural couples face added challenges on top of the usual ones you'd expect to see in any relationship because there's an added layer of difference.

Through my practice, I've identified three levels where these problems can present for them. I think it's important to understand these to begin to work through it all — which I have advice for you about too. 

The first is within the couple itself

Disagreements around values and traditions are a big one here.

And when a mother tongue isn't shared, language can become a barrier that leads to a disconnect, too.

These issues can surface at any point in the relationship journey and become more of a problem when they aren't addressed.

For some, they begin only after meeting their partner's family. For others, they begin when they have children.

Then there's the outside world

Family influence can play a large role in creating tension within a couple.

Is your relationship accepted by your extended families, as well as your broader communities?

Because if it isn't, seeking this acceptance after it wasn't immediately offered can be extremely challenging.

There are often feelings of isolation and rejection involved, and in some instances people are also grappling with discrimination.

The partner whose family or community hasn't been accepting can experience a strong sense of loss over this too: they have chosen a partner they felt was right for them, and their family's rejection can leave them feeling stuck in the middle of two worlds important to them.

On top of all that, these couples may also need to deal with wider society's lack of acceptance of their relationship.

Situational issues can cause big stress too

Maybe one person in the couple has been waiting a long time for their visa to be processed.

Or maybe one of them is struggling with being far from wherever they call home while transitioning to a new culture and establishing themselves in a new place, at the same time as having this relationship.

While there can be so much joy and excitement with these things, homesickness can have an impact on emotional wellbeing and mental health.

This has especially been the case with the intercultural couples who've come to me since the pandemic started.

It's a lot. Here's how I recommend beginning to work through it all

Start by making a conscious effort to remain open-minded and accepting when communicating with your partner.

You might be reading this and thinking, "yes, I always do that", but committing to this is a big step that needs ongoing effort.

An example might be if your partner's cultural background is gendered whereas yours is more liberal and you can't stop clashing over that particular point because you feel you're right.

If you come to a point of tension like this from a place where your bias is speaking, you're not likely to see much movement.

Instead, try and accept that it's OK to have differences. What's important is how we navigate them.

Then — no matter who you are or what your background is — I'd suggest reflecting on the cultural and spiritual stereotypes you're still holding onto.

Once you can accept and see that you maybe also have some flaws in the form of biases, you have a gateway to a constructive conversation with your partner.

Respect is another really big thing, especially when it comes to our identities.

Even if there are parts of your partner's identity you don't agree with — is there some way you can respect them while you work through the issues around it?

Enter the 'third' culture

From there, I often ask couples facing this stuff: if you could come up with a third culture, what would it look like?

Maybe you decide it's OK for only one of you to partake in certain traditional or spiritual events.

Or you decide together that if or when you get married, your wedding will celebrate both your cultures somehow.

If you know you both want kids, you could talk about how you would like your backgrounds to influence their upbringing.

Those were just some examples — but I hope they've given you enough to get going.

Know that this is sensitive, tricky stuff, especially if there's trauma from racial or spiritual discrimination involved.

There's mental health support out there if you need it.

If you decide you do, I'd recommend choosing a therapist who practises through a cultural lens, or one who can hold space for it.

This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.

Jill Dzadey is a relationship counsellor based in Naarm, Melbourne.