Dave Barry
Classic ’00: Neither man nor rat can properly fold the laundry
(This Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, July 2, 2000)
Are you a male, or a female? To find out, take this scientific quiz:
Your department is on a tight deadline for developing a big sales proposal, but you’ve hit a snag on a key point. You want to go one way; a co-worker named Bob strongly disagrees. To break the deadlock, you:
a. Present your position, listen to the other side, then fashion a workable compromise.
b. Punch Bob.
2. Your favorite team is about to win the championship, but at the last second the victory is stolen away by a terrible referee’s call. You:
a. Remind yourself that it’s just a game, and that there are far more important things in your life.
b. Punch Bob again.
HOW TO SCORE: If you answered ``b’‘ to both questions, then you are a male. I base this statement on a recent article in The New York Times about the way animals, including humans, respond to stress. According to the article, a group of psychology researchers have made the breakthrough discovery that - prepare to be astounded - males and females are different.
The researchers discovered this by studying both humans and rats, which are very similar to humans except that they are not stupid enough to purchase lottery tickets. The studies show that when males are under stress, they respond by either fighting or running away (the so-called ``fight or flight’‘ syndrome); whereas females respond by nurturing others and making friends (the so-called ``tend and befriend’‘ syndrome).
This finding is big news in the psychology community, which apparently is located on a distant planet. Here on Earth, we have been aware for some time
that males and females respond differently to stress. We know that if two males bump into each other, they will respond like this:
FIRST MALE: Hey, watch it!
SECOND MALE: No, YOU watch it!
FIRST MALE: Oh yeah?
(They deliberately bump into each other again.)
Two females, in the identical situation, will respond like this:
FIRST FEMALE: I’m sorry!
SECOND FEMALE: No, it’s my fault!
FIRST FEMALE: Say, those are cute shoes!
(They go shopping.)
If the psychology community needs further proof of the difference between genders, I invite it to attend the party held in my neighborhood each Halloween. This party is attended by several hundred small children, who are experiencing stress because their bloodstreams - as a result of the so-called ``trick or treat’‘ syndrome - contain roughly the same sugar content as Cuba.
Here’s how the various genders respond:
* The females, 97 percent of whom are dressed as either a ballerina or a princess, sit in little social groups and exchange candy.
* The males, 97 percent of whom are dressed as either Batman or a Power Ranger, run around making martial-arts noises and bouncing violently off each other like crazed subatomic particles.
Here are some other gender-based syndromes that the psychology community might want to look into:
* The ``laundry refolding’‘ syndrome: This has been widely noted by both me and a friend of mine named Jeff. What happens is, the male will attempt to fold a piece of laundry, and when he is done the female, with a look of disapproval, will immediately pick it up and re-fold it so that it is much neater and smaller. ``My wife can make an entire bed sheet virtually disappear,’‘ reports Jeff.
* The ``inflatable-pool-toy’‘ syndrome: From the dawn of human civilization, the task of inflating the inflatable pool toy has always fallen to the male. It is often the female who comes home with an inflatable pool toy the size of the Hindenburg, causing the youngsters to become very excited. But it is inevitably the male who spends two hours blowing the toy up, after which he keels over with skin the color of a Smurf, while the kids, who have been helping out by whining impatiently, leap joyfully onto the toy, puncturing it immediately.
I think psychology researchers should find out if these syndromes exist in other species. They could put some rats into a cage with tiny pool toys and miniature pieces of laundry, then watch to see what happens. My guess is that there would be fighting. Among the male researchers, I mean. It’s a shame, this male tendency toward aggression, which has caused so many horrible problems, such as war and ice hockey. It frankly makes me ashamed of my gender. I’m going to punch Bob.
(c) 2000, Dave Barry This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this column at https://www.miamiherald.com may be posted or distributed without written permission.
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