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John Krasinski And Emily Blunt: Their Tips For A Successful Marriage, Debunked

Girlfriend’s Back Too Knotted And Gnarled For Massage To Turn Sexy

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Illustration for What You Siege Is What You Get

Editorial Cartoon: ‘What You Siege Is What You Get’

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Senators Overjoyed By Chihuahua Jumping Through Hoops During Impeachment Intermission

WASHINGTON—Cheering as the small, brown chihuahua triumphantly jumped through hoops placed throughout the Capitol chamber, senators were reportedly overjoyed Thursday when traveling act “The Amazing Nacho & Friends” performed acrobatics stunts…

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End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5

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Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear

BOSTON—Calling it one of the most meaningful purchases a person ever makes, romance etiquette experts told reporters Monday that it was customary to spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on a Valentine’s Day teddy bear for one’s significant…

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Botched Autopsy Brings Murder Victim Back To Life

SANTA MARIA, CA—Leaving local community members shocked and heartbroken, a botched autopsy performed at Marian Regional Medical Center Wednesday had reportedly brought a murder victim back to life. “I realized his heart had started beating, and I…

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Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos

LOS ANGELES—Visibly exhausted from his hours-long binge, Christopher Nolan was reportedly still no closer to understanding the end of Tenet Tuesday after watching dozens of YouTube explainer videos. “Wait, so what the hell was that turnstile…

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Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody

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Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her

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Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull

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Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull

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City’s Outdoor Dining Solutions Slowly Advancing Beyond Rest Of Civilization

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Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now

Onion Native Content

Can you Spot the Real Comedies on Peacock from the Ones We Made Up?

Politics

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Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to assess the problem from the ground up, transportation secretary nominee Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday he was learning about the challenges facing the nation’s outdated rail infrastructure by living as a train for a…

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Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down

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Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation

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Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling

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Health Insurance Lobbyist Tears Up After Realizing Dianne Feinstein No Longer Recognizes His Face

The Topical

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

The Topical

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

The Topical

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Local

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Woman Quick To Clarify That Child In Dating Profile Picture Not Alive Anymore

SKOKIE, IL—In an effort to ensure that potential mates wouldn’t get the wrong idea, local woman Karen Dugas told reporters Monday she was always quick to clarify that the child in her dating profile picture wasn’t actually alive anymore. “It’s such…

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Shy Brothers In Affluent Suburb Already Feeling Pressure To Become Auteur Filmmakers

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Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse

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‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity

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Boho Woman Pushes Intricate Bead Curtain Aside For Another Groovy Adventure Into Pantry

Slideshows

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Confused About The GameStop Stock Situation? Here’s An Explainer We Plagiarized Wholesale From Polygon Because We Don’t Get It Either

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Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Goddamn Suck

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Rest Easy: Bethesda Announces That Shia LaBeouf Will Appear In ‘Indiana Jones’ Game But His Character Dies Almost Immediately

Illustration for PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

News

John Krasinski And Emily Blunt: Their Tips For A Successful Marriage, Debunked

Girlfriend’s Back Too Knotted And Gnarled For Massage To Turn Sexy

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Editorial Cartoon: ‘What You Siege Is What You Get’

Senators Overjoyed By Chihuahua Jumping Through Hoops During Impeachment Intermission

End Of An Era: Sony Just Announced They’re Stopping Production Of The PS5

Romantic Experts Recommend Spending 3 Months’ Salary On Valentine’s Teddy Bear

Botched Autopsy Brings Murder Victim Back To Life

Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos

Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody

Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her

Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull

Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull

City’s Outdoor Dining Solutions Slowly Advancing Beyond Rest Of Civilization

Report: If It Weren’t For Covid, You’d Be On A Carousel Right Now

Can you Spot the Real Comedies on Peacock from the Ones We Made Up?

Pete Buttigieg Learning About Problems Facing Rail Infrastructure By Spending Week Living As Train

Report: Lincoln Memorial Most Powerful Testament To Nation’s Passion For Sitting Down

Inaugural Address Spills Over Into Second Day As Biden Continues To List Greatest Issues Facing Nation

Paranoid Janet Yellen Hides Entire U.S. Money Supply In Treasury Department Drop Ceiling

Health Insurance Lobbyist Tears Up After Realizing Dianne Feinstein No Longer Recognizes His Face

Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird

Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees

Woman Quick To Clarify That Child In Dating Profile Picture Not Alive Anymore

Shy Brothers In Affluent Suburb Already Feeling Pressure To Become Auteur Filmmakers

Man Excited To Get Tattoo That Will One Day Be Used To Identify His Corpse

‘Hope You Don’t Mind I Shoveled Your Sidewalk Too,’ Says Neighbor In Devastating Blow To Dad’s Masculinity

Boho Woman Pushes Intricate Bead Curtain Aside For Another Groovy Adventure Into Pantry

Oh Christ, Time To Name These 60 Eggs

This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

Confused About The GameStop Stock Situation? Here’s An Explainer We Plagiarized Wholesale From Polygon Because We Don’t Get It Either

Bad News For Gamers: OGN Has Learned Ocarinas Are Real And They Goddamn Suck

Rest Easy: Bethesda Announces That Shia LaBeouf Will Appear In ‘Indiana Jones’ Game But His Character Dies Almost Immediately

PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

Most Popular Martial Arts In The U.S.

History Of Demonstrations On The Capitol

5 Things To Know About MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell

5 Things To Know About Trump’s Second Impeachment Trial

Christopher Nolan Still No Closer To Understanding End Of ‘Tenet’ After Watching Dozens Of YouTube Explainer Videos

Media Claims Britney Spears Well Enough To Be Released Back Into Their Sole Custody

Shy Brothers In Affluent Suburb Already Feeling Pressure To Become Auteur Filmmakers

BET Executives Panicking After Realizing They Have Nothing Lined Up For Black History Month

LaVar Ball Claims LaMelo Unhappy About Being Left Off NBA’s Top-50 All-Time Team

Study: 95% Of ESPN.com Visits Habitual

Tom Thibodeau Confident He Can Get One More Vintage ACL Tear Out Of Derrick Rose

Patrick Mahomes: ‘This Loss Will Motivate Me To Appreciate What’s Actually Meaningful In Life’

National Guard May Deploy Up To 20,000 Troops To DC For Biden Inauguration

Bill Belichick Declines Medal Of Freedom From Trump

‘Sex And The City’ Reboot Will Not Include Kim Cattrall

Hallmark Asks Senators Hawley And Marshall To Return Political Donations