What Are Your Family’s House Rules During the Covid Crisis?

Students in U.S. high schools can get free digital access to The New York Times until Sept. 1, 2021.

What new rules has your family instituted during the coronavirus pandemic? Are there new mandates on screen time or social distancing? Or washing hands or wearing masks? How hard are they to live by? Do these rules ever create conflicts or tension?

If so, how does your family try to resolve these conflicts? Have you ever reached out to outsiders for insight, perspective or help?

In “Helping a Teen Who Is Angry About House Rules on Covid,” the Times Adolescence columnist Lisa Damour, a psychologist, responds to a reader’s question about what to do about a grandson whose friends don’t socialize safely. Here is the query:

Q. We are having an extremely difficult time with our 15-year-old grandson, who lives with us. He has finally found friends after struggling socially and wants to spend time with them, but they do not social distance or wear masks. Some of their families are not true believers in this pandemic. It is absolute chaos at our house because of him fighting to be able to do things. He says he is tired of Covid, because while he stays in, most of his friends do not and go about their lives like nothing has changed. He is angry and depressed and we are at a loss as to what to do.

What is your immediate reaction to the grandparents’ question? Can you relate to the situation — either from the boy’s or the grandparents’ point of view? What do you think is really going on? What questions would you want to ask the teenager or the grandparents? What advice would you offer to both?

Now read this excerpt from Ms. Damour’s reply:

A. You and your grandson are in a heartbreaking predicament for which there are no complete or satisfying solutions. I cannot tell you how much I wish this weren’t true. Above all, I want to acknowledge the painful reality of the circumstances you describe.

Even though there are no perfect remedies, it may still be possible to improve the situation at least a little bit. First, let’s note that you are contending with two distinct, albeit related, challenges. One is that the pandemic has uprooted your grandson’s budding social life. The other is that his perfectly warranted distress about falling out of touch with his new friends has ruptured his relationships at home. On the first front, you may be hard-pressed to offer your grandson more social opportunities than you already have. On the second front, however, there may be ways to repair your connection with your isolated teenager, who needs loving support now more than ever.

Empathy, empathy, empathy is the place to start. The situation in which he finds himself is miserable and not of his creation. It may be true that he is acting out and upsetting everyone around him, and that many other young people find themselves in similar straits, and that we are starting to catch glimpses of the light at the end of the tunnel. Try not to let these factors sap your sympathy for your grandson. The adjustments that we have been asking adolescents to make, both in how they conduct their social lives and how they learn, take almost all of the fun out of being a teenager and have been in place for nearly a year. No amount of compassion for this is too much.

Without any other agenda, deliver to your grandson the message that you are deeply sorry that the pandemic has wreaked havoc on his social life. Tenderly communicate that you grasp how painful it must be to know that his friends are getting together without him. Let him know that you cannot believe that the pandemic has gone on for so long (roughly one-tenth of the lifetime that he likely remembers) and that you understand that for teenagers in particular, the support of family cannot make up for losing touch with friends.

Compassion won’t alter the lousy circumstances, but it can still help to relieve his emotional suffering. Feeling alone with psychological pain is a lot worse than believing that your distress is seen and validated. So, do all you can to help your grandson know that you are entirely on his team.

Students, read the entire article, then tell us:

• What are your family’s house rules on Covid-19? How closely are they enforced? On the whole, do you agree with these rules? Which would you change and why?

• Have these rules led to any conflicts or arguments? If so, tell us about a specific conflict and how you and your family have tried to resolve it.

• Does anything in the teenager’s situation, as described in the grandparents’ letter, resonate with your own experiences? Do you have friends who are less careful or more careful than you about Covid? Has that ever caused any friction?

• What is your reaction to Ms. Damour’s response to the grandparents’ letter? Does her response change your original thoughts on the matter?

• Ms. Damour writes that “Empathy, empathy, empathy is the place to start.” Do you agree with her that “compassion won’t alter the lousy circumstances, but it can still help to relieve his emotional suffering”? Do you think this would help you?

• What other advice would you give to the grandparents and their teenager? And to other parents, guardians and teenagers who are struggling with house rules during the pandemic? Why?

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Students 13 and older in the United States and the United Kingdom, and 16 and older elsewhere, are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public.