Hello, fellow patriots. My name is Rex Huppke and I’m a proud member of President Donald Trump’s Council On Patriotism-Inducing Coronavirus Vaccines That Will Be Ready In Two Weeks.
We here at the Council On Patriotism-Inducing Coronavirus Vaccines That Will Be Ready In Two Weeks have a surprise announcement: President Trump will soon introduce a patriotism-inducing coronavirus vaccine! And do you know how soon it will be ready? In two weeks!
Much like President Trump’s truly amazing health care plan, which will also be ready in two weeks, as it has been for the past four years, this vaccine will be the best thing to ever happen to America.
That’s because it will not only protect you from COVID-19 (COVID-19 protection not guaranteed), it will also dramatically enhance your patriotism by erasing any education you received that focused on negative parts of America’s past.
If you thought slavery was a dark chapter in American history, worry no more. This vaccine, much like President Trump’s recently announced National Commission to Promote Patriotic Education, will whitewash (emphasis on the white!) any American historical blemishes.
“Many young Americans have been fed lies about America being a wicked nation plagued by racism,” Trump said while announcing the new commission Thursday.
Now we’re a nation plagued by an actual plague, and also plagued by liberals teaching children that racism might exist. It’s hard to know which is worse!
But the good news is a perfectly safe (safety, perfect or otherwise, not guaranteed) vaccine is going to wipe out both those plagues — and it’s coming in two weeks!
Some of you all are probably thinking, “Gosh, I know Donald Trump is incredibly smart and the greatest president in American history, but how is it possible that he can produce a coronavirus vaccine so quickly and manage to, completely coincidentally, deliver it right before the presidential election?”
Good question, some of you! The answer is simple. The president is using outside-the-box thinking and ignoring the tired vaccine path usually followed by swamp-dwelling politicians and people who understand medicine.
The Trump path sidesteps bureaucratic nonsense like “rigorous safety testing” and “clinical trials” and “science” by having several former business associates of the president who are not in prison formulate an injectable liquid that will protect you from the dreaded coronavirus (protection from coronavirus, dreaded or otherwise, not guaranteed) and shut down the parts of your brain that store unflattering information about American history (safety of other parts of the brain not guaranteed).
There are, of course, seething, murderous, anti-American liberals out there who will claim that President Trump’s vaccine — coming two weeks from now! — cannot be trusted. But these are the same people who think we should not honor historical figures simply because they committed acts of treason and killed fellow Americans in an effort to maintain their right to own human beings brought from Africa to America in chains.
Ridiculous! As the president pointed out Thursday, “America’s founding set in motion the unstoppable chain of events that abolished slavery.” No need to get hung up on all the stuff that happened prior to slavery being abolished. Just focus on American exceptionalism!
And speaking of American exceptionalism, this vaccine is going to be exceptional! It has already been tested on several leftover Trump Steaks, and they have been coronavirus-free and perfectly fine (the fineness of said steaks cannot be guaranteed).
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So if you want to be 100% safe from the ongoing pandemic (actual safety rate may range from -50% to 0%) and never again worry about the term “systemic racism,” reserve your dose of Donald Trump’s Patriotism-Inducing Coronavirus Vaccine That Will Be Ready In Two Weeks.
You can order a vial right now with a $250 nonrefundable deposit payable to: “Dr. Eric Trump, Holder of Vaccineologism Degree.” You’ll get your vaccine (product may not fit legal definition of “vaccine” and may smell like bleach) in two weeks! Syringes (product may not fit legal definition of “syringe”) will be shipped two weeks later.
Side effects may include: coronavirus; cerebral melt; chronology amnesia; forgetting everything bad about America, including this vaccine and its creator; voting against your self-interest; colon erasure; elbow bloat; tendon malfunction; and ocular fascism.
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com