They Didn’t Have Children and, Most Said, They Don’t Have Regrets

The vast majority of American women have children. Yet fewer women are deciding to become mothers: The fertility rate is at a record low.

When we asked people who don’t plan to have children about their reasons for an article in The Upshot, the top answers were the desire for more leisure time, the need to find a partner, and the inability to afford child care. Many women said motherhood had become more of a choice, and they were choosing to forgo it, whether for personal or economic reasons.

In response to that article — and a related one about a woman who was happily child-free — we heard from many older childless women, and some older childless men, reflecting on their lives without children.

Many celebrated their decision. Some wondered what might have been. Others said they had moved from feeling heartbroken to feeling grateful.

Here is a lightly edited and condensed selection of comments.

A Heartbreak That Healed

JoAnne, from Georgia

Over my life of 62 years I have gone from being heartbroken, to relieved, to proud that I never had children!

An Abundance of Upsides

Carson Drew, from River Heights

I’m a 66-year-old woman who chose not to have children and I’ve never regretted it for a minute. Friends, lovers, professional colleagues, siblings, nieces and nephews, neighbors and other people can be “constants” in a person’s life, too.

Implying that women who don’t have children are doomed to loneliness is ignorant. There are plenty of seniors whose adult kids want nothing to do with them or who get in contact only when they want to mooch off them.

It’s possible to create a happy, richly fulfilled life without having kids. Or a husband, either.

A Trailblazer’s Pride

“Retired&lovit,” from the Oregon Coast

I’m a retired woman, 66, and never had children. I went to college on the G.I. Bill and always worked a white-collar job. Women like me were considered oddities when I was in my 20s through 40s.

Instead of having kids, I spent time traveling, owning my own home and doing very fulfilling volunteer work. I was fortunate to be able to retire at 65. I have never regretted being childless.

A Missed Opportunity

Oldie, from NC

For most of my adult life, I was extremely shy around men. My social anxiety was crippling. I was able to overcome it and find a partner. However, I believe I’m too old to have a child now safely. Even though my story’s slightly different, I support you in any decision that you make. Some of these people who make judgmental comments seem to have some bitterness toward people who choose not to have children. These are the same people who tell me that I ought to have a dog, and that my life won’t be perfect until I have a dog. These people can stuff it!

An Unwavering Satisfaction

Janet, from Key West

I am encouraged that young people are more thoughtful about having children. I am 70 and had a tubal ligation when I was 27 and never looked back.

This culture does not support families. My concern is that the women who are having children are doing so for their own emotional needs, rather than thoughtfully making a decision that will require them to commit the next 18 years to another human being.

A Carefree, No-Regrets Life

"BigWayne19,” from the San Francisco Bay Area

My first wife asked me why I wanted a child or children. I pondered that as I was spending a year in Europe, working in Mexico, drinking a lot of wine, smoking dope and riding a motorcycle.

The doctor doing my vasectomy gave me a tranquilizer and a shot of bourbon. My wife watched the operation. Now I'm a millionaire a couple times over. I've never regretted not having kids.

Nicole Phillip contributed research.

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