Avengers: Infinity War villain Thanos seeks to kill off half the universe, but would you also let him cleave you in two? It’s the question that is roiling Twitter and ruining relationships, and even the Vulture office is not immune: When I asked my co-workers whether they had the hots for this oversized, space-faring jewel collector with Josh Brolin’s mo-capped face, a surprising number of people confessed to me that yes, they did need to love themselves more. Below, I have preserved their answers so that they may be put on a government watch list, while also mounting a defense from those of us who would never give Thanos a second look when he’s sharing screen time with Mark Ruffalo. (I said what I said!)
“Is Thanos hot? Like Archie in Riverdale, Thanos certainly got hotter. The first time we saw him, in the post-credits tag to The Avengers, he was a smirking behemoth who had the the purple skin and disconcertingly smooth white teeth of Barney the Dinosaur, and I assure you, back in 2012 the idea of anyone lusting after either of them would have seemed equally comical. In Guardians of the Galaxy, things got a little better: Josh Brolin had been hired by this point, which gave Thanos a slightly more human physiognomy, though it also meant the most feared supervillain in the universe spoke with a slight California accent. But now, like a character in the second season of an HBO show, Thanos has gotten a glow-up. His skin is a more subtle shade of purple — “I didn’t notice,” say America’s non-racists — and there’s a lot more Brolin in his face than before. (At least in the top half. The bottom half still … needs work.) And he got rid of that hideous ensemble that had him looking like Goldar, in favor of a sleeveless getup that shows off his titanic delts. I don’t know if I’d call him a Space Zaddy just yet, but alongside the Infinity Stones, he’s definitely stolen the title of Sexiest Single-Glove Wearer from its previous champion.” —Nate Jones
“Thanos is not hot. Thirst culture is out of control! It’s like the Michelle Wolf thing: I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation.” —E. Alex Jung
“Thanos … would smash. The arms are great. The hands are great. And he cries! He’s no M’Baku, but I wouldn’t say no. Obviously, not relationship material, given the genocide. But I would totally take him home from a space bar.” —Tara Abell
“On the one hand, Thanos has got the whole intensity of purpose thing going for him, which, as a generally aimless person, is pretty hot. On the other hand, he’s got a whole bunch of magical jewels, which he intends to use to kill everyone. Honestly, that’s kinda dull, would it kill him to have more interesting hobbies? I love TV and I bet the guy hates watching TV because everything has too many characters. Anyway, killing people is also bad and therefore not hot, and his chin looks like it was carved out of stone in a literal way, which just seems painful. No one wants to make out with lavender Mount Rushmore. It’s a pass from me.” —Jackson McHenry
“I don’t need to have seen Infinity War yet to know that, yes, I absolutely would with Thanos. He hits all my sweet spots: extremely tall, muscular build, all that purple (use your imagination for what’s hiding below), and a total megalomaniacal baddie. Or should I say, zaddy. Just picture that gravelly voice grunting in your ear and what That Fist could do. [Editor’s Note: Noooooooooo.] Now, I can understand why some are stuck on the whole cut-up chin thing, but when there’s just so much more of him to behold, honey, what’s not to like? Also he is played by Josh Brolin, a man who could get it any day of the week.” —Dee Lockett
Dee also wanted to note that this photo of Thanos swayed her to the dark side:
“My main problem with Thanos as a potential thirst object is his proportions, which I can only describe as ‘whatever the opposite of the Golden Ratio is.’ Thanos’s head is too small, and yet, his chin is too large. His neck is a water tower, but his lips do not even exist. Please don’t get me started on his ears. Imagining the size of his nipples is enough to send me into lifelong celibacy. His eyes are 1/200th the size of his fingernails. Put your own fingernail next to your eye for more information.” —Rachel Handler
“Here’s how I know that Thanos is hot. Despite clearly incorporating the face of Josh Brolin into the character, Thanos actually looks like a purple Ron Perlman, and I happen to think Ron Perlman is a babe. Therefore, I can’t legitimately gripe too much about the off-putting texture of Thanos’s chin (the only detail that really calls his hotness into question), since it’s really just like looking at Ron Perlman with a goatee. The broad jaw, the deep-set eyes, the wide mouth, the strangely satisfying oval-shape of his whole head … the sum of the parts is sex appeal, because he clearly has a flawless Titan bod. The animators didn’t do him any favors by tweaking the lower half of his face since we first saw him in Guardians of the Galaxy, when his chin waves were just extensions of the markings under his eyes. That design stayed on his face through a cameo in Age of Ultron, but for some reason, they had to given him that unsightly rippling for the big dance in Infinity War. It’s not a deal-breaker, though. As long as he keeps giving me pseudo-human Perlman looks, I’m in.” —Jordan Crucchiola
“Anyone who says Thanos is hot isn’t looking at him with human eyes. Josh Brolin can be hot, and often is. But Thanos?! That raisin-colored, too swole, inflated gummy snack? Not on my watch!” —Hunter Harris
“I hate that I was asked whether Thanos is hot, because prior to being presented with the question, I had no opinion one way or the other; now, I have to deal with the fact that my answer is yes. I didn’t ask for this. Jesus, I was about to write ‘I’m not sure I’d necessarily let him bang me,’ but as I typed those words, I realized that I would! What can I say? He’s a burly, charismatic intellectual who likes to toy with his prey and has the face of a movie star. The chin is a little gross, but if we were alone, I’d probably be too lost in his eyes or chest to focus too much on it. I am not happy with the way I’m feeling right now.” —Abraham Riesman
“I’ll admit that Josh Brolin was hot in The Goonies but I cannot go on this journey with the rest of you in the daddy-issues crowd! Even if you are attracted to massive slabs of purple beefcake, consider these drawbacks: (1) Thanos seems like the sort of gymgoer who would shout really loud, throw his weights on the floor, and not re-rack. (2) Thanos used to have kind of a roguish Dennis Quaid smile, but now his face is warped in a permanent scowl and he squints like he’s trying to read the ticker on Fox News. (3) If Thanos is a daddy, does that make us all children of Thanos? (4) In a movie full of hot beards, Thanos can’t so much as grow an eyebrow. No sir! No ma’am! This is exactly the sort of straight man who would pose with a fish he caught on Tinder. Swipe left, and love yourself.” —Kyle Buchanan