As “The Colbert Report” comes to an end on Thursday, it’s a historical moment for Comedy Central’s groundbreaking satirical show. It’s also a sad moment because we have to say goodbye to one of the funniest bits on late-night television, one that mocked the pharmaceutical industry while being hilarious: “Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A.”
Colbert would issue a disclaimer: Dr. Stephen Colbert, D.F.A. was not a medical doctor; he had an honorary doctorate in fine arts. As he once said: “I can’t treat your rash, but I can compare it favorably to a Jackson Pollock.” Or: “I can’t write prescriptions, but I can interpretively dance to them.”
After that, Colbert would introduce a real medical problem and offer a solution brought to you by Prescott Pharmaceuticals. The made-up company had taglines including “The more pills you take, the more chances you have to win”; “Look for us in your spam folder”; and our favorite, “Family-owned for three generations because we can’t lift the curse.”
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For example, Colbert once featured a (real) disorder called “Truman Show delusion,” where people believe they’re the subject of a reality show, like in the movie starring Jim Carrey. “The only mental disorder more horrible is the one that causes people to go on reality shows,” Dr. Colbert said gravely.
He added that one treatment for Truman Show delusion “is to isolate the patient in a luxurious mansion with eight other patients and have them vie for the hand of a rugged bachelor by bungee-jumping off the Eiffel Tower while designing a wedding dress for Flava Flav.” But Dr. Colbert had a new cure: A medicine called Vaxaloon, which “makes you believe you’re in a different Jim Carrey movie.”
As always, the best part of “Cheating Death” was the list of side effects. After every segment, Colbert warned warned about symptoms that included everything from “spontaneous pregnancy” to “increased risk of vampire attack.”
Here’s a list of some of the best side effects. And below, some of the funnier “Cheating Death” segments (starting with the first one where Colbert can’t keep a straight face, a rarity for him):
Hepatitis C++
Phantom Hand Syndrome
Vivid dreams of self-cannibalism
An inability to breathe on weekends
Bad humors
Chicken fingers
Oxford coma
Ukraine in the membrane
Atomic fireballs
Sleep waltzing
Night terriers
Creamed corneas
Stubble vision
Idris elbow
Male pattern Baldwin
Search and seizures
Hipster dysplasia
Highballs
Bud Light lime disease
Mathlete’s foot
Involuntary jowel movements
Abra cadaver
Brain whistle
Ice-splosions
Capillary yogurt
Abdominal salad shooters
REO Speedlung
Nostril inversion
Pituitary ferns
Skeletal xylophoning
Teriyaki lung
Elevated heart weight
Chinese firebones
Restless torso syndrome
Mild Hulk-ism
Minor heart explosions
Late-onset albinism