Matt Labash
Matt Labash is a senior writer at The Weekly Standard. His collection Fly Fishing with Darth Vader: And Other Adventures with Evangelical Wrestlers, Political Hitmen, and Jewish Cowboys was published in 2010 by Simon and Schuster. He lives in Owings, Maryland, with his wife, his sons Luke and Dean, and his dog, Moses.
Stories by Matt Labash
The Crusader Goes to His Reward
4:30 AM, Feb 23, 2018
Just a few days before America’s Pastor, Billy Graham, succumbed to Parkinson’s or cancer or pneumonia (when you’re 99-years-young, ailments tend to arrive in multiple-choice fashion), I was walking through Washington’s new Museum of the Bible with my family. As local museums go, the Bible museum is not a sexy one, like, say, the National Museum of American History, which houses the artifacts our culture tends to prize more than the inspired word of God (Fonzie’s jacket, Seinfeld’s “puffy shirt, Read more
The Crusader
Matt Labash remembers Billy Graham.
5:05 PM, Feb 22, 2018
Just a few days before America’s Pastor, Billy Graham, succumbed to Parkinson’s or cancer or pneumonia (when you’re 99-years-young, ailments tend to arrive in multiple choice fashion), I was walking through Washington’s new Museum of the Bible with my family. As local museums go, the Bible museum is not a sexy one like, say, the National Museum of American History, which houses the artifacts our culture tends to prize more than the inspired word of God (Fonzie’s jacket, Seinfeld’s “puffy shirt,” Read more
LABASH: Don't Care Less, Care About What Matters
Ask Matt Labash, who says loving thy neighbor isn't measured in how many times someone presses the little heart button on Twitter.
5:00 AM, Feb 15, 2018
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, As the news becomes more and more important, it’s becoming less and less important to me. I am losing the ability to care. Maybe I have a declining attention span, or am just overwhelmed. But should I care that I no longer care? - Careless in Portland Would that be Portland, Oregon, or Portland, Maine? Never mind, I don’t particularly care. Here at Ask Matt, we meet readers in whatever state Read more
Valentine's Day: A Dissent (UPDATE)
Ask Matt Labash, who's still dissenting from V-Day one year later.
5:05 AM, Feb 14, 2018
Last February 14, "Ask Matt Labash" dissented from Valentine's Day. One year later, the editorial staff submitted a question (under the name "All Out of Love") asking if he felt any different now. His response, written with his characteristic flourish, was, "No." Here THE WEEKLY STANDARD presents the 2017 classic "Valentine's Day: A Dissent" in its unaltered form. — Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Read more
LABASH: Drone-Assisted Fishing Is Real, and It's Pathetic
Ask Matt Labash, who casts his own line to catch the mystery of life.
4:42 AM, Jan 25, 2018
Dear Matt, A couple of weeks ago, I was fishing with friends in the Bahamas. Our guide mentioned that a guy recently came down with a drone and sent it across the flats to scout for fish before venturing out of the boat to wade. What are your feelings about this next phase of fishing? Sincerely, C.R. Houston, TX I won’t go so far as to say drones should be completely outlawed. But I am a situational libertarian: I’m against the government ever encroaching on my freedoms, but if they Read more
The Book That Ate Washington
Here's what happens when you let a Wolff loose in the West Wing
8:13 AM, Jan 12, 2018
Like any dutiful Washington swamp creature, I’ve spent the last few days holed up with Fire and Fury . Which is not, if you’ve been in news-cycle hibernation, the new fragrance from Ivanka. Rather, it is a book by Michael Wolff about life inside Mar-a-Lago North, aka the Trump White House. Or scratch that—it is not a book. It is the book. If there is only one book Washington political reporters will read this year—and for many, one book a year is their outer limit, as reading gets in the Read more
The Republican Tax 'Reform' Deserves to Die
Ask Matt Labash: Aren't the tax cuts a good thing?
5:05 AM, Dec 21, 2017
Correction, 12/21/2017: The piece originally said that "If you have children under the age of seventeen, while you’re getting an additional $1,000 per child, you’re losing their personal exemption, which was worth $4,050 per child. (So you’re still short by $2,050, per child.)" It has been amended to "while you're getting an additional $1,000 per child tax credit, you're losing their personal exemption, which shielded $4,050 from taxation per child. (So you're still slightly short of what you u Read more
The War on Christmas . . . Parties, That Is
No sauce for the goose or the gander.
4:00 AM, Dec 08, 2017
As we celebrate this Christmas season (or this “holiday,” for Christ-haters), I don’t wish to be a killjoy to the world. But reflecting on the year gone by, it’s hard not to notice that we have lost a few of our favorite things: Tom Petty, political moderation, our dignity. And yet, as we’ve hunkered down throughout 2017 to weather every storm from Hurricane Harvey (the tropical cyclone that nearly destroyed Houston) to Hurricane Harvey (the film producer/sex-criminal who has all but destroyed Read more
Millennials Have Officially Killed the Holiday Office Party
Thanks Vox.com.
4:23 PM, Dec 07, 2017
As we celebrate this Christmas season (or this “holiday,” for Christ-haters), I don’t wish to be a killjoy to the world. But reflecting on the year gone by, it’s hard not to notice that we have lost a few of our favorite things: Tom Petty, political moderation, our dignity. And yet, as we’ve hunkered down throughout 2017 to weather every storm from Hurricane Harvey (the tropical cyclone that nearly destroyed Houston) to Hurricane Harvey (the film producer/sex-criminal who has all but destroyed Read more
Labash: Conservatives Should Police Their Own
Ask Matt Labash, who grew up listening to James Dobson mixtapes.
9:32 AM, Nov 30, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Who do you think would win in a fight between Roy Moore and the truth? Brent, Tuscaloosa That’s a hard one. Though Roy Moore is now 70 years old, he used to train under a renowned kickboxing instructor in Texas, and if accounts hold true, he’s proven to be a formidable grappler, especially if you’re a teenage girl trying to wrestle your way out of his car. The tru Read more
Kill the Bill
Ask Matt Labash, who says the GOP should have called its tax reform measure the "Robbing Peter to Pay Apple Act."
12:28 PM, Nov 06, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Republicans have called their tax bill “The Tax Cut and Jobs Act.” President Trump wanted to call it “The Cut, Cut, Cut Act” (And here we thought his specialty was branding.) What would you have named it? H.R. Block I’d be fine with calling it “The Republicans Pissing Down Your Leg While Telling You That You’re Bathing In A Warm Mineral Spring Act.” Or maybe “The Robbing P Read more
Twitter Fights Are Killing America
Ask Matt Labash suggests you keep it together on social media.
6:05 AM, Oct 19, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, My Twitter account is one long rant. I yell at people—that’s it. I’m not interested in socializing on Twitter or having a fair exchange/convo, because really, how can you do that on Twitter? So the anger has taken over and the question is: How do I think differently about that person who I know is wrong? I know it because I have facts and they don’t. They can’t string a sent Read more
Ask Matt Labash: How to Make Peace Over Trump and the NFL Kneelers
America needs to #TakeABreath.
5:30 AM, Sep 27, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, If you were in the NFL, would you take a knee? Or stand up and sing? Colin K. Glad somebody finally asked. For I’ve long suspected racism from NFL owners, since I’m a middle-aged white guy who has a 25 percent BMI, can still run a sub-two minute 40, and yet here I remain, unsigned. Whether I took a knee would depend on a lot of factors, like whether we were playing on ar Read more
A Beating in Berkeley
Antifa mayhem and malice in Martin Luther King Jr. Civic Center Park
3:00 AM, Sep 01, 2017
Berkeley As white supremacists go, Joey Gibson makes for a lousy one. For starters, he’s half Japanese. “I don’t feel like I’m Caucasian at all,” he says. Not to be a stickler for the rules, but this kind of talk could get you sent to Master Race remedial school. And it gets worse. The founder of Patriot Prayer—a Vancouver, Wash.-based operation that sponsors rallies and marches promoting freedom and First Amendment rights along with all-purpose unity—also spews hippie-dippie rhetoric like “ Read more
In Defense of Cigarettes
Ask Matt Labash, who longs for a time when Kooler heads prevailed.
5:30 AM, Aug 08, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, I had this thought that America was more civil when everyone smoked. You learned from an early age that people will do something you don’t like but there wasn’t much you could do other than walk away. Then smokers became not just people doing something others don’t like, but bad people whose second hand smoke (allegedly) kills. Nowadays, anyone who disagrees with you isn’t ju Read more
Cursed Be The Machines, For They Shall Inherit The Earth
Ask Matt Labash, whose column is not an automated process.
6:55 AM, Jul 19, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, I have no objection to watching frenemies and office rivals being made redundant in the machine age. But I was wondering what you thought about automation. Friend or foe? Dwight Schrute, Scranton, PA While some people like to stay in shape by taking barre classes or doing high intensity interval training, I stay healthy—at least mentally—by savaging tech triumphalists Read more
Men Should Not Attend Baby Showers
Ask Matt Labash, who says yes to "no" and no to "baby bottle drinking contests."
5:30 AM, Jun 21, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, I consider myself an enlightened guy. I respect women so much that I even pretended to like Hillary. But recently, when my wife insisted I accompany her to her friend’s baby shower, to which all husbands were invited, I told her I’d rather stay home and research divorce attorneys. She called me “chauvinist” and claimed I had “outmoded ideas of how men are supposed to behave.” Do Read more
There Isn't the Time to Worry
Ask Matt Labash, whose tic is to not fret about the tock.
5:30 AM, Jun 01, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, As we age, life seems to fly by ever faster. How does one strike a balance between appreciating that our time here is finite and should be spent wisely without obsessing over how much (or little) of it may be left? - Aspiring Nonagenarian Allow me to concede straightaway that I might be the wrong guy to ask. As I spend a lot of time—too much of it—looking back wistfully. I'm Read more
When Living Life Becomes Secondary to Showcasing It
Ask Matt Labash, who likes to smell the roses without Instagramming himself next to them.
5:30 AM, May 18, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Katy Perry took a selfie in an Infinity Mirror room. Should you do it too? A Washington Post headline writer No, I should not. And neither should you. There are approximately three things wrong with this proposition: a. Taking life cues from Katy Perry, a woman who had relations—on purpose—with both John Mayer and Russell Brand. Meaning she should probably be va Read more
Taking Questions About Your Canine-Nine-Nine
Ask Matt Labash, who's here to discuss options about your possibly racist pooch and tax reform.
7:50 AM, May 04, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . ‐‐ Matt, As a known dog lover, you have to settle a debate for me: Our pup sits in the window of our high rise and growls randomly at suspicious looking people walking around the train station across the street. My wife thinks he is a smart dog and knows good people from bad. I am afraid he is racist. Is he? Please help. Alex R. Arlington, VA Without having met your do Read more
Sweet Dreams Are Made of This
Matt Labash, insomniac
3:00 AM, Apr 28, 2017
Whatever being a red-blooded American man means these days (not much, it seems), I like to think I am one. I chop wood. I’ve never had a manicure and refuse to wear skinny jeans. I relieve myself outdoors with great regularity, even when indoor options are available. And though I don't hunt my own meat, I sure as hell eat plenty of it. But with my manhood established, I have an embarrassing confession to make: I like watching YouTube videos of women brushing their hair and whispering. This mig Read more
When the Fish Don't Bite, Keep Fishing
Ask Matt Labash, who's got a fever, and the only prescription is more shad.
5:30 AM, Apr 19, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Now that spring and fishing season are finally here, what is the first thing you will fish for? What should I be fishing for? Chris R. Not to be an annoying pedant, but allow me to correct one notion at the outset: To the devout fisherperson, there is no such thing as "fishing season." All seasons are fishing seasons, some just require wearing a ski hat and thermal un Read more
Trump Fatigue, Being the Dog, and How to Live Like Jim Harrison
Ask Matt Labash, a legend of the fall, but also an advice column good for all seasons.
5:30 AM, Mar 29, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, I'm suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome. I blame the news, which is always bad. Jihad rages all around the world, and the economy still feels sucky at home. Innocent people die on Westminster Bridge, while Obamacare, which deserves to die, seems like it will live on forever. Even our "united Republican government" feels as divided as always. And though I reluctantly vote Read more
The Puritanical Love Doctor Is In
Ask Matt Labash, if the kama suits ya.
5:30 AM, Mar 14, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Relations with married women. Any situation where that’s a-ok? Name Withheld Sure. I have relations with a married woman all the time. I call her "my wife." (Or maybe not all the time. We are, after all, married.) But other than the women we're married to, I strongly suggest leaving married women alone. They already have enough burden to bear, feeling biologically obligated Read more
Brunching on Millennial Stereotypes
Ask Matt Labash, who cautions against putting all your eggs in one label.
5:15 AM, Mar 02, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Millennials—why am I always reading about them? Why should I care? And why do they always seem to be eating brunch? Hungry for truth, Darcy I don't really like to stereotype large groups of people, except for Blacks, Mexicans, Asians, seniors, Southerners, et al. And not because I'm racist, ageist, or even locationist. But because stripping people of nuance and im Read more
Release Me
Matt Labash, soulcatcher.
2:00 AM, Feb 24, 2017
There is nothing more boring than other people’s dreams, so I try to forget most of my own. Life's waking nightmares are vivid enough. But I'm dogged by one I had the other night. I was standing in a favorite fishing hole up to my waist, attempting to release a largemouth bass I'd just caught. Slow on the trigger, I'd missed the lip-hook. So my fly had lodged deep down his gullet. As I struggled to work it free with hemostats, trying not to injure the fish, hands grew out of his pectoral fins, g Read more
Valentine's Day: A Dissent
Ask Matt Labash, who's well-versed in the poetry of February 14.
5:15 AM, Feb 14, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, What do you think about Valentine's Day? Cheers, Amanda Like most American males, I try not to think about Valentine's Day. At least not until it's on me, like a tax deadline or microvascular angina—unpleasant realities that can only be ignored for so long before the failure to reckon with them could result in imprisonment or death. For I am one of those Romeos Read more
Boys Will Be Boys, and Eventually Should Be Men
Ask Matt Labash, who plays the world's smallest violin for Reiner and The Emasculators.
6:00 AM, Feb 01, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, A friend of mine just sent me an article from the New York Times that says upper-income men no longer want to have sons , because they're too terrifyingly masculine. Can this be real? Phil Buntz, Milwaukee Is it real? Is that a serious question? Get real, Phil. This is America, 2017. I'm reading the Drudge Report right now, as I often do when I want to see how the End of Read more
When Rage Is All the Rage
Ask Matt Labash, whose pharmaceutical experience includes filling prescriptions for chill pills.
5:30 AM, Jan 18, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, I thought when the election was over, I'd stop being angry all the time. But I find that I still am. Constantly. I'm angry at Donald Trump for tweeting like a 4Chan troll. I'm angry at the liberal media for not treating Donald Trump fairly and for running unsubstantiated rumors that he's a Russian double agent who hires prostitutes to pee on each other. I'm angry at Barack Obama, fo Read more
Against Change, the Hostess Election, and Years Worse than 2016
Ask Matt Labash, who really just loved Loni Anderson.
5:30 AM, Jan 04, 2017
Have a question for Matt Labash? Ask him at askmattlabash@gmail.com or click here . Dear Matt, Do you have any New Year's resolutions? Charles P. Only one. I resolve to resist change at every turn. (I tried change once, around '98, and didn't care for it.) This, incidentally, was my New Year's resolution last year, and every other year in memory. I thought about changing it. But being a man of resolve, I resisted. Dear Matt, What will you miss least about 2016? A Read more