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Onward (2020)
And they have pointy elvin ears for no reason...
Stupid loud childish movie like "Goonies." I feel like I am babysitting without getting paid for it. The premise is from hunger. It was like "Jumanji" crossed with "Dungeons and Dragons" mixed with any coming of age film you have seen a million times before. This Oscar year has almost nothing worth recommending in any category.
The Golden Girls (1985)
Drinking Game for This Show
Every time Dorothy (Bea Arthur) says, "Rose," you have to take a hard shot. You will be stinking drunk before the end of a few episodes.
Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
Dum-Dum Afternoon
Sonny did all the wrong things. Here is my list as to why:
1. Robbed the bank at the wrong time.
2. They could have left right after they failed and before the police came.
3. Burning the registry and I don't know why.
4. First cops arrive and they can run out the back in opposite directions.
5. Order pizza and soda and then throw money into the crowd. Run into the melee and disappear for awhile. Even the cops were distracted. Run away you idiots; and throw the guns as far as you can.
6. Take a bus or a train out of town until things settle down.
7. Ask the crowd for females to volunteer as more hostages. There would be a handful.
8. As soon as they turned off the air conditioning and the lights, Sonny should have said that everything is stopped until they turn them back on.
There were a hundred options to try. They did none of them. Freaking 'tards, man.
I originally gave this film 9/10 as a kid, but now it's 3/10 and I cannot seem to change it now.
Days of Wine and Roses (1962)
Felix and Oscar Together Again
As soon as I saw Blake Edwards' name attached as the director, I just knew I had to see this. Then I saw Jack Lemmon as the star, or leading man. There was also Grandpa Joe, or Jack Albertson's name as the opening titles rolled. Here was a comedy I simply had to see. There was no TV show funnier than 'Chico and
the Man.' Now "The Man" himself was going to shine in this must-see laugh fest.
First, Joe (Lemmon) flirts with (Kirsten), played by Lee Remick by buying her Peanut Brittle. She just laughs in his clownish face, along with the audience. In between plot points, we see Kirsten (Lee Remick) munching constantly on chocolate bars. Now my sides are splitting. Joe (Jack Lemmon) is seen boozing it up from the beginning of the picture, so we assume he is some sort of zany sot, but hard drinking is just a part of his job as a PR man.
Finally Kirsten accepts a dinner date with Joe Clay (Lemmon) and he still drinks a lot, even though he is not at work now. I thought maybe he was nervous, but he just needed more drinks. Kirsten does not drink at all, but since she is hooked on chocolate bars, Joe pours a few Brandy Alexanders down her gullet to show her how great alcohol really is. By this time, they are both laughing at nothing, and so are we.
Weeks go by and they are constantly smashed and having a ball. At one point they are both sober and they surprise her father late one night and she introduces Joe Clay (Jack Lemmon) to him. The old man (Buddy Ebsen) takes an immediate dislike to Joe, for no good reason! Blake Edwards sure knows how to set up a great uncomfortable minute or two. They realize that they must have woken up Pa, so they abruptly leave so Kirsten (Remick) can show Jack Lemmon (Joe Clay) the huge greenhouse in the back yard. The (second-most) funniest scene comes soon when Joe and Kirsten kiss passionately in the entryway, not knowing that the old father is watching them from the house. I personally had to pause the DVD and hurry to the bathroom so I wouldn't pee myself laughing. The real kicker comes now when Joe announces to Pa that they were married about two hours ago. I could not believe this script! Married two hours ago and they didn't even invite Buddy Ebsen (playing Kirsten's father). Tears were close to streaming down my cheeks when I saw the look on his face. I simply cracked up trying to hold back the giggles. There is a lot more to go yet.
Soul (2020)
All the 10/10 Reviews Were Written by PIXAR
You can easily tell that the best reviews here were written by committee. Shameful way to stuff that Oscar ballot box. Boycott now.
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
Saw This at the Movies When it First Came Out
I was seventeen and I went with my aunt (age 34), on opening day, and I had not seen any of the clips from the classic films yet. It's not a great film, but I still hang onto the nostalgia factor. Worst line: "I am a butler, not a catcher." That coffee scene lasted forty-five seconds. Not too funny.
Seinfeld: The Millennium (1997)
Another Bottom Five Episode
The various stories presented here would be better portrayed by children in a middle-school play. George trying to get fired. Elaine caring about some business going under. The whole millennium plot. Speed-dial. Not even one aspect to care about. Puke.
The Last Blockbuster (2020)
Would be Better as a Short
It was fun to learn these facts, but after forty-five minutes, the story has been told. The rest is just boring, gushing repetition. My rating went from 7 stars in the middle; to 5 stars by the end. That jerk toward the finish line was not funny; not even by accident. The snake ate itself. I pity this taffy-stretching movie.
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman: Lizzo (2020)
Terrible Guest; Worse Interview
I have never heard a woman say so much about nothing. Those crystals should help you lose some weight, girlfriend. She tries to record Dave and she messes it up. How funny. Well. Try it again. No. Dave's not fun when he's a suck-up. He used to be so brusque and smarmy; but now he's a dishrag in this particular interview. Pee-yew.
Four Good Days (2020)
The Whole Movie is in the Trailer
After under three minutes, you are done with the entire story. I just saved you two hours. You're welcome.
Kim's Convenience (2016)
Cancelled
I cannot believe they are wrapping this up after Season Five. It was a great very funny show. And I know someone will replace it with more garbage and utter crap.
Gilmore Girls (2000)
Whiny, Immature characters; every ONE OF THEM
Past the first season, only because of my wife. The mother, Lorelei, looks like a deranged bunny rabbit, and she only eats pizza and chips and sweets. She pouts and runs away when things don't go as she planned. Her only daughter, Rory is just as bad. So each episode they trade the baton as to whom will be the most and biggest crybaby. They both act as if they are ten years old. Rory's grandmother is a wealthy harpie who wants everything and yet gives nothing, except to Rory. Lorelei's father is all business, well-meaning, but distant as the North Pole. This show is aggravating to watch at forty-five minutes each. Every female talks exactly the same way. The quips fly by at a blinding pace but only a few of them make any sense within the context of the story/conversation. So if you like vapid characters who are as thin as tissue paper (even though they eat only junk food every meal) then this insipid show is for you.
Firefly Lane: Hello Yellow Brick Road (2021)
No One to Root For
Just slogged through the first episode. Almost every character is a loser. Make that, EVERY character is a loser. Not a fun show at all. The scenes jump back and forth through about four decades and there is no reason for it. It's needlessly confusing disguised as being arty. I may try just one more but god knows why. The successful characters are bored and lonely, and the others just mope and cry a lot. No one needs this programme in their lives.
WKRP in Cincinnati: Herb's Dad (1980)
One of the Best
Now, first of all, I have two copies of every episode on DVD. First ones were bootleg transfers from some VHS tapes in the southern USA. Pretty complete and not cut up for syndication, but they look totally washed out. However, there were no complications about the soundtrack tunes back when they were taped (late 90s maybe). So I was happy to have them because I knew they would never be complete and sold by a professional distributor. Until SHOUT! came along. Their collection was damn near perfect.
OK, about this episode: Bert Parks is perfect as Herb's Dad, because he talks and dresses just like Herb, with the same smarm and charm. Plus, he looks just like Herb's father would look. Now the bootleg has the usual WKRP laughtrack. The remastered SHOUT! version has almost no laughtrack in this episode, making the story even more poignant. I am not sure how this happened but I am glad it did. Every main character is used, so this makes it one of the perfect episodes to savour and enjoy for years. I am sure you know the plot so I will spare you the details.
Bewitched: Samantha's Lost Weekend (1970)
Samantha Eats and Eats and Eats
One of the lamest premises in this series. Tabitha won't eat her lunch so Esmeralda puts a spell on her milk so she will want to eat. Through a very contrived storyline, Samantha drinks the milk herself and spends twenty minutes of screen time eating everything constantly. Funny stuff.
So if Tabitha drank the milk herself, it would be her that ate until she probably would get sick and start throwing up the entire episode. Funny stuff.
Then some stupid plot where Sam develops narcolepsy for an unexplained reason for the remainder of the show. Avoid the new unfunny Darrin seasons at all costs.
The Drew Barrymore Show (2020)
You Can Tell All the Great Reviews Are by the SAME PERSON
Drew's team hired a bunch of hacks/staffers to rave about her manic energy. The show stinks, has no good/new ideas and all filler, even going so far as to discuss astrology as if it were still 1964. Drew jumps around the set like a rabid animal (one time she literally howled at the moon!) and she uses crazy gyrations and insane movements as a means for non-existent excitement and entertainment. She has gone insane, methinks. And all the rave reviews you read here are by Drew herself or some other phony baloney. They are all one paragraph, run-on sentences with no punctuation and poor sentence structure, as if written by a young ignorant child. Read the first week's worth of "reviews" here and see how desperate the show must be to cheat and mislead the would-be viewer. Bah.
Bewitched: My Grandson, the Warlock (1965)
Not One of the Best
Maurice always respected Darrin. Here he treats him like Endora mocks him. By calling him the wrong name a few times. I don't think I remember The Tates even having a son. The whole plot could have been solved by just telling everyone that he is Larry's and Louise's baby. This show is smarter than this "joke" of an entry.
Monty Python's Flying Circus: Scott of the Antarctic (1970)
Eric the Fish
An unlikely contender for a winner of an episode. I didn't get it when I was fourteen, but I needed more life-experience to understand most of it. Foreign film. Behind the scenes of making a movie, et al. Watch it a few times and you will be hooked; just like Eric the fish.
Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Spanish Inquisition (1970)
Nobody Expects!
One of my Top Five episodes of this show. It is consistent throughout. Carol Cleveland is used quite a bit (can't be bad). The common thread of the title is woven cleverly within the other sketches inside thirty minutes. If your friend is uninitiated, this is a pretty good place to start. I wish I hadn't seen it yet, so I could watch it for the first time.
WKRP in Cincinnati: God Talks to Johnny (1979)
Lesser Fever
Out of a sea of wonderful WKRP episodes, this one is pretty weak. And any sitcom not set in a radio station could have played it out. It was funny only because of the talent involved. The same epiphany could have happened to almost any other character with nearly the same outcome. It only happened to Johnny because it was always assumed he was using some sort of drug at one time or another. The 'golf pro' joke was probably the best. Since Mr Carlson has always been portrayed as a religious man, it is natural to assume that his input would be involved and matter to the story's resolution. The ending could have just as well taken place back at the station.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Roger, shut the hell up!
I had such high hopes in 1988 when I first heard the details about this movie being made. I read every article about it, anticipating its opening. Add Robert Zemeckis to the mix and I wanted to see it as bad as "Back to the Future II" (another disappointment, by the way) and the release was finally here and I went on opening day. Sure, the combined animation and live action was genius, but the story itself needed a complete re-write, for starters. Bob Hoskins was totally miscast as the drunken detective. The opening cartoon was funny but that just started all the screaming from Roger to follow. When the title character is this pathetic and loud and annoying, it's not a fun experience. I tried it again twenty years after its premier and I still didn't like it much, if at all. Watch it with the sound off Eddie! Pl-leeeeze!
Clerks (1994)
37! My girlfriend! In a row?
I only wish the sequel was in Black & White. This was almost pure gold. Yes, the editing and direction was lacking but the dialogue cannot be beat. Considering the budget, this is aces. If you don't like the first half hour, skip the rest. Enjoy.
Major League (1989)
Watch the 'Wild Thing' Edition After You Memorize the Movie
A lot of great commentary from director David S Ward and producer Chris Chesser. I wish all my favourite DVDs had a commentary of some sort. My "Citizen Kane" DVD has a few commentary tracks including a decent one from the late Roger Ebert. Same with "Sunset Blvd." I won't bore you with a synopsis of "Major League" because if you are reading this, you must know the film backwards by now. Suffice it to say that the cast was hand-picked and everyone worked their asses off (Rene Russo; grrrrowwLL) for about nine weeks. Some of those days were ninety degrees and very humid, even at midnite. Some actors even suffered minor injuries while filming multiple takes. The director even worked six days a week with very little sleep just to keep the budget where it should be. If you are a long-time fan of this movie, you owe it to yourself to buy this edition. It's very cheap (used) on any website like Amazon. Buy it today.
Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill (2020)
All the Screaming
First of all, I have seen/heard all of these jokes at least twice before. I don't understand why he is still performing if he doesn't have any new material. Jerry can't need the money that badly. I am not sure when this was filmed but it's the same old tired schtick from at least ten or fifteen years ago. His voice gave me a headache and I stopped watching when there was still twenty minutes left to go. I own all the 'Seinfeld' DVDs and he was not this whiny back in the 90s. Skip this so-called "special" and read a book or call your parents or children. If you watch half of this and it all seems familiar, you might as well turn it off because it doesn't get any better as it goes on.
The Honeymooners: A Man's Pride (1956)
Great Final Episode
I only remembered the smallest of details before I watched this classic episode recently. Ralph brags that he a bigshot owner of his bus company to an old friend. I will not give away anything more but it is all online for you to enjoy. There is a blooper in the middle when Ralph is talking to Norton and refers to Alice as Audrey. You have to really listen but once you hear it, you will be stunned. A really superb episode.