YOUR HOMEWORK FOR THIS EVENING
The Fiver isn’t going too far out on a limb when it suggests the Spanish are better at football than the English. Consider: England have only one major trophy to show for 144 years of trying. By comparison, Spain have claimed three in the last 101 months alone. That particular run of success stands as arguably the greatest achievement in the entire history of the sport, given they parlayed all their prizes from a bunch of monotonous 1-0 wins that made George Graham’s Arsenal look like Bill Nicholson’s Sp … hold on, this is supposed to be a compliment, isn’t it. Yes, they’ve been very impressive. Sheer genius. Pure alchemy.
England could certainly learn a thing or two from them. And, oh look! Good news! Here they come, ready to put on their latest tactical masterclass at Wembley! You see, good players no longer turn up to strut their stuff or sashay about, like Ferenc Puskas or Johan Cruyff or Diego Maradona back in the day. Instead, in accordance with the prevailing mood and parlance, they hold seminars and symposia. So after the pre-match niceties – no national anthems, the band of the Coldstream Guards will simply play the jingle for the Open University – Spain will begin their tutorial by stroking the ball back and forth between the lines in a highly technical fashion. Meanwhile, English student and lecturer-elect Gareth Southgate will diligently fill his Moleskine with notes about 4-2-3-1, observations on 3-4-2-1, and a reminder to give John Stones a clip round the ear followed by an urgent lesson on the benefits of giving it a Good Old Fackin’ Hoof.
Whether Spain will be taking themselves quite as seriously is another matter. Most of their usual suspects are either knacked or have been given permission to put their feet up for this one, so Julen Lopetegui may hand debuts to the likes of Ander Herrera and Iago Aspas, and see how things pan out. Both players practically guarantee old-school entertainment – Herrera is always worth watching as he dutifully explores new methods of sparking almighty rumbles in empty rooms, while the entire stadium will be desperately willing Aspas to take a cheeky quick corner – although such freeform shenanigans are unlikely to help Southgate finish the essay he has to hand in to the FA on the final whistle. Let’s hope for his sake – and football’s – that flippant nonsense such as goals, fun and excitement are kept to a minimum.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray from 8pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of England 0-2 Spain.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“On a free day he says, ‘Those who want to have relations, it’s before midnight because you must have a good night’s sleep’. He did that with [Lionel] Messi, who since then was not injured muscularly, and [Robert] Lewandowski, whom he had put on the bench at one point, and made him understand certain things” – Samir Nasri reveals Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City ban on making the beast with two or more backs after midnight.
FIVER LETTERS
“Pondering Thomas Müller’s musings (yesterday’s Fiver), especially his hard-hitting comment that ‘matches like the one against San Marino have nothing to do with professional football’, one was struck by two thoughts: the first being of a pedantic nature, namely that playing a non-professional team made up of accountants and carpenters (probably) quite obviously has nothing to do with professional football and, as such, hardly needed to be stated. Fiver readers don’t respond to its contents by saying: ‘Tea-timely missives like this one have nothing to do with high-quality journalism.’ We hold these truths to be self-evident and all that. But the more interesting thought prompted by Herr Fruit-Corner was what exactly defines professional football? We can see that playing isolated mountainous hamlets doesn’t cut the mustard but what separates professional football from … not professional football? Is it a straightforward Manichean divide or is it more of a continuum with Him at the top, jumpers for goalposts at the bottom and amateurs mixing it with the big boys like Dundalk somewhere in between? Or, is the actual sporting aspect the key consideration at all? $ex, TV rights, ca$h money, Mr 15%s, tell-nothing autobiographies, sponsored cacks, human-rights abuses, a crushing sense of ennui … is it, in fact, these metrics we should be utilising? If the recent election in USA! USA!! USA!!! and the Clinton campaign post-mortem has taught us anything, it is surely that every issue must have one clear explanation, with no room for nuance” – Éanna McIntyre.
“Nice to see a Smog lyric in yesterday’s last line. Interestingly, from a footballing perspective, the EP of Cold Blooded Old Times (the song whence those lyrics come) contains two prescient B-Sides referencing future events in British football: a song about David Moyes (‘Chosen One’) and another about that Newcastle supporter (‘I Break Horses’)” – Philip Smith.
“Will your cousin Wizard Fiver be launching a daily digest of The Quiddich Premier League? I (and probably no) other muggles will be looking forward to a daily digest, with knack reports which might include wand-gah and owl-knack or spells which banish managers away from the dugout” – Paul Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Éanna McIntyre, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Roland Duchâtelet has activated his itchy trigger finger again, getting rid of Russell Slade after 16 matches in charge, meaning Charlton are looking to fill the role for a seventh time since their Belgian owner took over in 2014. “The club would like to thank Russell for his tireless work during his time at The Valley, particularly the processes and disciplines he has instilled at the training ground, and wishes him well for the future,” trilled a club suit.
Mile Jedinak scored two penalties but Australia could only record a flamin’ 2-2 draw at Thailand in their World Cup qualifier.
Moussa Dembélé – the Queen’s Celtic one – scored twice to burst England U-21s’ bubble as France inflicted a first defeat in 16 matches.
Bastian Schweinsteiger is ready to climb aboard the Soccerball Express after holding talks with Chicago Fire. “I’m trying to keep myself fit for the situation in which I am needed,” he cooed. Frank Lampard, meanwhile, has had enough of MLS. “I have very much enjoyed my time, and I am very grateful to have had the opportunity to play for such a great club,” he blah, blah, blahed.
Ronald Koeman has given Liverpool the kiss of death by backing Everton’s rivals as real possibles for the Premier League title. “I have been impressed by Liverpool so far,” he blootered. “Maybe that is not what you might expect the Everton manager to say but they have been playing some very good football and deserve to be at the top.”
And Chile’s coach, Juan Antonio Pizzi, will risk the wrath of Arsène Wenger and throw Alexis Sánchez into action against Uruguay on Tuesday despite a reported hamstring-twang. “All of the clubs can remain calm, we are very respectful of our players,” trilled Pizzi. “We will never force any player who has not got the medical all-clear.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Donald Trump, England v Scotland, mis-shaped Toblerones and Tactics Tim are among the apocalyptic scenarios conjured in David Squires’s latest cartoon.
4-2-3-1 is so passé, chin-strokes tactics guru Jonathan Wilson – 3-4-2-1 is where it’s at. And he explains precisely why here.
FA suits are doing their damnedest to fill Wembley for England games, and succeeding, writes Owen Gibson, but a sense of importance and excitement is missing as apathy surrounds the international game.
Spain’s Vitolo talks tactics, passion, sunflower seeds and, er, Vinny Samways in his chinwag with Sid Lowe before the lukewarm international friendly with England.
Tales of Cyril the Swan taking on Millwall’s Zampa the Lion in a pwopah nawty mascot tear-up, Lord Ferg fuming at a coach driver sitting in his dug-out and Bobby Mikhailov’s foray into the hair-development industry are among the choice episodes in Nick Szczepanik’s new book of football anecdotes. Read about them here.
FA killjoys’ canning of FA Cup quarter-final replays gets short shrift from Richard Foster, who reminds us of the many epic matches replays have brought us.
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