[Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
Krusty the Clown: But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!
Sideshow Mel: No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!
Krusty the Clown: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr Johannson: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty the Clown: I don't want it!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
Krusty the Clown: Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.
Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
Krusty the Clown: Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."
Flea: Wow. That's much better.
Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that.
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Flea: Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car.
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...
Anthony Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.
Moe: It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.
Barney: [flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.
Krusty the Clown: If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.
[the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk into Moe's bar in their underwear]
Anthony Kiedis: What's up, Moe.
Flea: HEY MOE!
Moe Szyslak: Hey! You guys can't come in here dressed like that!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: [In his underwear] Get with the time, Moe.
Chief Wiggum: [In his underwear] Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Alright.
[stretches Wiggum's underwear and snaps him with them - laughs histerically]
Chief Wiggum: Don't snap my undies.
Krusty the Clown: Hey that dummy can't hurt you! He's not even alive, he's dead!
Krusty the Clown: I don't how to thank you kids.
Bart: That's okay, Krusty.
Lisa Simpson: We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.
Krusty the Clown: WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!
[calms down]
Krusty the Clown: Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.
Krusty the Clown: Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?
Johnny Carson: Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.
[does so]
Krusty the Clown: Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!
Johnny Carson: Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.
[He juggles the car over his head, while singing opera]
Krusty the Clown: Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi.
[the dog goes for Krusty's nose]
Krusty the Clown: AH. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT.
Gabbo: And now it's time for another patented Gabbo crank call! Oh, I love these!
Bart: I can't believe it! He stole this bit from Krusty!
Lisa Simpson: Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Grandpa Simpson: Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.