What Do We Know About the PlayStation 4?
Nothing! But here's some baseless speculation to generate ad revenue.
By Bob Mackey Feb 01, 2013 1:19PM PST
Since yesterday's gleefully insubstantial tease from Sony, games journalists the world over have been scraping together molecules of information from the darkest corners of the Internet in a desperate attempt to give you small clumps of news-like substances. Rather than cutting ourselves free from the PR choke chain digging ever-deeper into our necks, we at 1UP have also decided to embrace The Beast with the first of several hundred articles concerning what will inevitably be an announcement of an announcement. Be sure to print them out and wallpaper your prison cell with every last one, as the anticipation of February 20th will no doubt drive you to commit some crazed, unspeakable act against a GameStop manager who probably deserved it.
Without the ingenuity of Bell Labs, news about the PlayStation 4 could only be heard exclusively by people in the front row.
The Event
On Feburary 20th, 2013, several thousand people will enter a building, and eventually take their seats. A man in a suit will walk onto the stage, and say words into a microphone. (Note: Other men in suits will also be in the audience. Do not be confused.) Thanks to science, these words will be disseminated throughout the globe, eventually reaching your smartphone/touchthing, or, in the case of any unplanned economic hardships, a filthy public library computer. Following this, you will either be informed, or asked to wait several more months. But don't worry! As long as time keeps moving forward in a linear fashion, this horrible cycle can continue until the Earth's sun burns out.
An anonymous source has confirmed that a Zip Drive attachment would be very unlikely.
The System
As expected, the PlayStation 4 design features "sitting in front of" capabilities. It will cost several hundred dollars, and you will refuse to buy it on principle until a moment of weakness leaves you feeling like a distressed toddler in need of immediate gratification. Thanks to low morale caused by clogged suicide nets at overseas manufacturers, the first generation of PlayStation 4s will suffer from minor hardware problems, forcing thousands to briefly play with their other expensive toys while delivering unsolicited and drawn-out complaints to anyone within earshot. We can only assume that the PlayStation 4 will ship with an AC adaptor; ethanol-based gaming systems aren't likely to catch on in 2013, regardless of how many gamers subsist entirely on corn syrup.
This is what happens when you outsource all of your engineering jobs to cenobites.
The Controller
The PlayStation 4's controller will offer several bold enhancements that will change the way you're distracted from the next generation of gaming. Expect to see a touchscreen, tip calculator, postage scale, as well as a fully playable game of electric football on the reverse side. In the event that these wild allegations prove false, we can assume that any new features will quickly go disused after Sony stops forcing developers to implement control options that some engineer drunkenly doodled on a cocktail napkin the night before a big meeting. When thousands of subdermal barbs dig their way into your flesh during the Cactus Ranch level of Uncharted IV: Chartin' It, the Vita's rear touchpad may begin to seem like a good idea. But you really shouldn't let pain cloud your judgment like that.
Will the PS4 be able to render this many rubber duckies at once? And will that be enough to distract you from your mortality?
THE FUTURE OF ENTERTAINMENT?
February 20th is more than just French Stewart's birthday -- though hopefully Sony's announcement won't draw too much attention away from the Stewmonster's 49th. On this day, a new era of buyer's remorse will be ushered in, complete with a fresh crop of patronizing buzzwords designed to override the logic centers of our brain. Until then, we'll be sure to spin even the smallest of details into thorough, overwrought features. What does Jack Tretton's choice of ties say about the future of the PlayStation brand? I don't know, but it had better take up 1000 words!
- 88
Comments (40)
-
-
Wow...
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by Coarse_Limely
An honest article about this subject. Kudos, 1up. XD
-
-
I, for one, want to play Uncharted IV: Chartin' It
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by amightysquall958
And the PS4 must dispense beer, or else I'm not buying it.
-
-
-
It's funny because it's true!
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by D-e-f-
Great job, Bob! (This is not intended to be a pun referring to Sony's E3 demo of Sorcery from two years ago)
However, I'm geniunely bummed out that Zip Drives are being ruled out. It clearly means Sony hates us all and does never learn. EA apparently doesn't know of this yet since they are so hyped about Next Gen. Ah well, maybe all will be well once we see how many rubber ducks will fit into a phone booth. Or a police box! Maybe the PS4 will be capable of time travel (naturally only for PlayStation Plus subscibers) and Sony is going to secure exclusivity for all Doctor Who games.
The future does only everything* without Linux support.
*= 10% off for PlayStation Plus subscribers.
-
-
The Controller...
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by Pacario
...still sounds better than this awful thing Sony considered for the PS3 way back in the day:
-
-
Title
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by LBD_Nytetrayn
I still want to chuck that thing at a criminal's head and/or gun hand whenever I look at it.
-
-
I kinda want to put it in my butt.
Posted: Feb 02, 2013 12:00AM PST by colin_in_sick
And maybe share with a partner.
-
-
-
I won't buy it
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by CoyoteGenius
at least not unitl I finish my backlog of PS2 games. And then I will buy a PS3. I'm not even looking at a PS4 for many years to come.
-
-
HOORAYY!!!!!
Posted: Feb 03, 2013 12:00AM PST by Thaliusmain
Congrats, CoyoteGenius! You win! You are the best person ever! A certificate and a medal have been mailed to your permanent address! Go out and celebrate!
-
-
-
Best name for a game ever!!!
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by Kokoru
"Uncharted IV: Chartin' It"
Thank you Bob Mackey... You deserve an award for this comedic piece of jewelery!!! I seriously laughed out loud (lol in RL) lol-
-
Also...
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by Kokoru
I hope Sony shows some actual tact this time and doesn't deliberately try to copy Nintendo... As much as I LOVE the Wii-U so far (despite the lack of AAA games, just the features and what it does have is pretty awesome), I really dont' want my PS4 controller to be a Gamepad as well...
I really hope they consider it as an alternate release (like they did with the Dual Shock originally)... The Wii-U doesn't have the mind-bending graphics that the PS4 will have so I really dont' want to look at anything other than our new TV lol.
-
-
-
Nice
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by Dr_Corndog
Great to read a comedic article that doesn't sound forced. I chuckled.
-
-
Haha
Posted: Feb 01, 2013 12:00AM PST by pokemon.exe
1up is one of few sites for which I turn my ad blocker off. I felt I needed to click on this article for that reason... I was very happy I did! Very funny!
-
-
lol good article
Posted: Feb 02, 2013 12:00AM PST by Togegawa1
so much for their 10 year game cycle maybe their new system will have full backward compatability (hopes)
-
-
The "game cycle" lasts longer than you think.
Posted: Feb 02, 2013 12:00AM PST by colin_in_sick
The PS2 was just discontinued last year. Lifespan doesn't necessarily mean relevance.
MAYBE they'll pay more attention to backward compatability. I certainly hope so, but this is Sony: they're no more likely to learn from their failures than from their successes.
-
-
-
This was fantastic
Posted: Feb 02, 2013 12:00AM PST by Pachinko
Every line under the "system" paragraph was just brilliantly scathing. There is a certain excitment building in the air, I wonder how hilarious it will be to watch forums the internet over implode when games are finally out and they don't looks stupidly amazing day 1.
-
-
Or...
Posted: Feb 02, 2013 12:00AM PST by colin_in_sick
I'm actually expecting to be more astonished by the positive feedback--not just for PS4, but for any new console. We're not jumping from 8-bit to 16-bit, or from cartridges to digital discs anymore. But there will be people foaming at the mouth raving over how revolutionary every little bell and whistle is, and insisting from Day 1 (or earlier) that these features will give any system the hands-down advantage over every other option for years to come.
There are only so many smartTV and "dual screen" features they can keep throwing in and expect people to still be impressed. Nonetheless, the psycho fanboys will continue to force themselves to believe that such add-ons make all the difference, and that you/we are idiots if we don't agree with their enthusiasm...over THEIR chosen brand.
-
-
-
Good thing it's got a postage scale
Posted: Feb 02, 2013 12:00AM PST by Neon_Entropy
Because that is very practical .
-
-
Zip Drives!!!!
Posted: Feb 03, 2013 12:00AM PST by Iron_Saint
A zip drive? Man, that takes me back. Does anybody else remember how expensive the disks were when they were first released.
-
-
This sense of humor
Posted: Feb 03, 2013 12:00AM PST by genresrforposers
is why I used to love reading EGM, and the honest tagline is why I clicked; great article.
-
-
Waste of Time 1UP !!!
Posted: Feb 03, 2013 12:00AM PST by aindriu80
What a waste of time writing this article !!!!
-
-
-
it's a fwak page for PS4
Posted: Feb 04, 2013 12:00AM PST by jonnyjones72
false wisdom and knowledge, because nobody knows anything about next gen just yet.
Based on the 'hints' from my old EFL student who worked for Sony in their next gen optical data disc R&D department, I'm gonna say PS4 supports next gen BluRay. GoldRay, SilverRay, DeathRay, or whatever it's called And it will be capable of rendering 2K and 4K resolution for those with IMAX screens in their living room.
-
-
even if the PS4 would be released this year
Posted: Feb 06, 2013 12:00AM PST by DarkdaemonPK2
I will not buy it. The reason? We all know it will undergo a whole slew of changes, like "this PS4 will have a 150 GB Hard drive" and then next year, there will be a slimmer version of it that will be released and "changes this" and "changes that" made to the console. I refuse to buy a console w/c is just a few years old since they make consumers like guniea pigs just so they can make improvements after every year and launch new versions of it like what phone manufacturers are doing.
-DarkdaemonPK2
-
-
Speculation on the new Playstation Controller
Posted: Feb 07, 2013 12:00AM PST by T0AST_GH0ST
I think Sony will keep the four traditional face buttons, two analogue sticks and shoulder triggers of older PlayStation pads, as well as vibration and improved motion-sensing. There could be possibility of a capacitive touch pad, like the one found on the back of Vita, capable of recognising two-point multi-touch.
In addition, the controller itself can reportedly be "clicked" to make an additional input button, and could also feature a new "Share" button from what I know so far. While this button's purpose is unclear, it may be linked to a new user account system. I don't really know what to expect, I will just have to wait until Sony holds it's press conference in New York on Feburary 20th. It's anybodies guess
Recently Updated 1up Blogs
-
Chiptuned: 1UP's Game Music Blog
Latest Entry: The Sound of Sega's Yakuza Studio -
The Grind: 1UP's RPG Blog
Latest Entry: Active Time Babble: The Final -
Retronauts: 1UP's Classic Gaming Blog
Latest Entry: Retronauts Prime Episode 59: The Future of the Past -
Handheld: 1UP's Portable and Mobile Gaming Blog
Latest Entry: Real Racing 3 Causes Me to Worry About Gaming's Future
Around the Network
-
-
-
-
The Most Ambitious Pokemon Ever? Early Thoughts on Pokemon X/Y
-
Metal Gear Rising Revengeance Connects the Series' Past With a Radical New Future
-
About 1UP
- Contact Us
- 1UP Staff
- Ad Gallery
- Contests
- Help
- Site Map
Popular Games
- Resident Evil 6
- Diablo III
- BioShock Infinite
- Call of Duty: Black Ops 2
- StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm
- Grand Theft Auto V
- Assassin's Creed 3
- Tomb Raider
- Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance
- Halo 4
Popular Guides
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
- Deus Ex: Human Revolution Walkthrough
- LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4
- The Witcher 2 Walkthrough
- Dark Souls Walkthrough
- Portal 2 Walkthrough
- Deus Ex: Human Revolution Walkthrough
- The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword
Popular Content
- Best Free Games
- Mapping Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
- Why Japanese Games are Breaking Up With the West
- The Nine Worst Video Game Themes
- I Played Skyrim Wrong, but It Felt So Right
- The Dark Souls Survival Guide
- The Top 10 Worst Consoles
- Why Quake Changed Games Forever
Big Events
- Tokyo Game Show
- PAX
- E3
- Comic-Con
- GamesCom
© 2010 | Advertise | Terms and Conditions | Privacy Policy | Site Usage | Site Map | Browse Games:
#
A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z