'The Bachelor' season premiere recap: Juan At a Time, Ladies!

Hola rose lovers! ¡Feliz año nuevo! Are you ready to make some history with the first Latino Bachelor? And does anyone know how to say "ass-grab maneuver" in Spanish? Judging from that preview of the season, I'll need to know how if I want to recap Juan Pablo's make-out sessions accurately.

You remember Juan Pablo, don't you? For those of you who didn't watch Desiree's season of The Bachelorette (and let's be honest -- a whole lot of you didn't), here's a quick reminder: Juan Pabs is an American-born, Venezuelan-bred former professional soccer player who managed to exhibit more sex appeal and charisma in about 12 minutes of total screen time than all the other bachelors wooing Desiree combined. After Desiree sent him home in episode six... Sorry, what's that, Team Bachelor? We're pretty much ignoring Juan Pablo's Bachelorette origin story? We're just going to pretend that you happened to find him in Miami raising his adorable 4-year-old girl Camila and thought "Hey, this hunky single dad would make a great Bachelor?" Oh... okay.

In that case, let's join Juan Pablo's life, already in progress: shirtless beach volleyball, hanging out with professional baseball players as part of his job as a "sports and entertainment consultant," or something, and drawing hearts with his forever valentine, Camila. Sure, it's nice -- but duty calls! "I'm in this situation because America wanted me to be the Bachelor," says Juan Pabs, who reminds us that he's uniquely qualified. "I'm the first el Bachelor Latino. I speak the language of loooove." (Congratulations, Internet -- your first Juan Pablo gif of 2014 has arrived!)

So pack your bags, Camila, because you and your abuelo and abuelita are off to Los Angeles for the first few weeks of daddy's "journey" (or "aventura," to use the Bachelor's chosen phrase). And don't worry -- he's going to have plenty of time to play with you... and Bachelor No. 17 Sean Lowe! Camila, honey, run along now; daddy's got some important, grown-up things he needs to discuss with his pink-cheeked predecessor. First and foremost, warns Sean, "All all costs, make sure if you kiss someone, the other girls don't see." Also, be sure to choose a woman you can have fun with whether you're riding an elephant in Thailand or bathing skunk-sprayed dogs in tomato juice in Burbank at 2 a.m. Got that, Juan Pablo? Great. Now suit up, guapo -- the limo arrivals are nigh! And I hope you've had your shots, sir, because Chris Harrison just informed us that Juan Pablo fever has reached "epidemic proportions." As far as I know, there is no cure.

Speaking of things that can't be helped, let's meet the "ladies"! Keep in mind, Juan Pabs is looking for four things in a woman: the ability to be a good stepmother to Cameeeela, and (according to his Bachelorette questionnaire) a "fit body, good-size breasts, and a nice smile." Wait, would that be five things? Either way, it's pre-taped intro time.

Chelsie, 24: This perky blonde science "educator" (this apparently means she teaches at a museum) figures the way to Juan Pablo's heart is through the recitation of rudimentary Spanish phrases, so she's practicing diligently in an effort to "totally impress him." Overall rating on the Juan Pablo 5-Point Mateability Scale: 2 (I'm docking her 3 points for insufficient rack exposure during her intro package.)

NEXT: I probably would have gone with "unemployed" instead of "former NBA dancer"