BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn’t Commit

Run!

YOUR LOCATION—According to late-breaking reports, a police squadron is currently tearing down the highway at breakneck speeds with the express purpose of arresting you ...

Kidnapped Teen Freed, Though Freedom Is Its Own Kind Of Prison, Is It Not?

BEDFORD, IN—The Lawrence County Sheriff’s Department confirmed Wednesday that Jessica Paulsen, a 15-year-old who went missing last month, has been freed from the ...

Gatorade Releases New Performance Suppository

CHICAGO—Gatorade officials unveiled Tuesday the newest product in its G Series line of drinks and supplements, G Push, a performance-enhancing suppository engineered in the ...

Financially Ruined Executive Still Piecing Life Back Together 2 Years After Occupy Movement

NEW YORK—More than two years after the commencement of the Occupy Wall Street protests, former Wall Street executive and financially devastated man Arthur Stratton ...

New Documentary Reveals SeaWorld Forced Orca Whales To Perform Nude

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on widespread abuses faced by orcas in captivity, a new documentary titled Under the Surface revealed that killer whales at SeaWorld ...

Republican Alternatives To Obamacare

As the White House struggles with the rollout of Obamacare’s online health insurance marketplace, pressure has mounted within the Republican Party to begin offering ...

Shameless Coworker Doing Nothing To Conceal Clearly Flaccid Penis Lying Beneath Khakis

HARTFORD, CT—Employees at Trustwell Insurance expressed shock and embarrassment Monday upon noticing that senior sales associate Mark Hansel had a visibly flaccid penis just ...

Locker Room Reporter Still Hasn’t Gotten Used To Seeing Jerry Jones Naked

IRVING, TX—Despite having frequently visited NFL locker rooms for several years, Dallas Morning News sports reporter Adam Laverty confirmed Monday that he’s still ...