Do you need anger management?

By: Dr. Pam Spurr

Over the years there have been prime examples of anger problems from the reported extremes of Mel Gibson (who's destroyed his marriage and reputation) to Charlie Sheen (who's managed to save his marriage) and to angry behaviour in the Big Brother house from the likes of John James.

You may not be as angry as Mel - or even Charlie or John James - but your temper still might need reining in.

Angry men can be frightening, intimidating and ugly. Not only can poorly managed anger destroy your relationships but it can damage your work and health - leading to increased levels of stress hormones that are bad for you.

People with anger problems vary from 'the stewers' - as I call those with a constant dark, angry cloud hanging over them - to those I call 'the erupters', who seem fine until they erupt unexpectedly. Either way the problem needs sorting!

Here are seven steps to manage your anger:

Keep an anger diary 

It's crucial to begin by identifying your 'hotspots' - the things that make you see red. Keep a diary for a week of when your temper starts to flare.

Make a note of what you were doing, who or what wound you up, and what your reaction was on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the most angry you could possibly be).

After seven days, look through it for any identifiable pattern to your anger. Do you tend to lose it when you've been out drinking? Or when your boss tells you off? Most important, who gets the brunt of your anger?

Solutions for your 'hotspots' 

Once you've identified your key hotspots start thinking about potential solutions. Why does your boss tell you off - do you miss deadlines or show up late? Or when drinking, if you cross a certain limit have you entered a 'danger zone'?

Get practical and do things to sort these issues out: find out what your boss expects of you; get a loud alarm clock you can't sleep through; learn what your limit is and don't drink more than that etc.

Not only do solutions sort out your basic hotspots - making them less likely - but finding them can boost your confidence - many angry men lack it.

What works? 

It's also crucial to identify what keeps you calm and soothes away stress. Definitely build more of these into your life!

Maybe certain music puts you in a good mood so load it up on your iPod and keep it handy - listen to it when you're feeling stressed.

Or you might have a friend who's good at reasoning with you. Get on the phone to them when things are getting on top of you - let them know you appreciate their help.

It helps you to find what works by hearing what doesn't work. You probably don't realise how badly you come across when angry, so film yourself on your camera phone when ranting. Afterwards take a real good look - you won't like what you see. Seeing the worst can help inspire the changes you're making.

Challenge faulty thinking 

Challenge your faulty thinking, especially believing there's always someone/something to blame for things. Angry people always want to finger-point or find a scapegoat for problems.

But stuff happens - and always trying to blame someone else stops you doing what you can do to change the situation.

Also, because you probably jump the gun when something irritates you, go easy with gut reactions. Slow down, challenge and analyse it. And don't let it get you into trouble.

Clear communication techniques 

Learning to clearly communicate your needs is probably the most important step to take. Once you become a better communicator you're less likely to let things build-up.

You'll also begin to understand what others are saying and won't rush to think that someone is criticising you when they're not.

Always pause before you speak so you can choose your words carefully. Let someone know when something's beginning to bother you. Sitting on things makes you more likely to explode.

But stuff happens - and always trying to blame someone else stops you doing what you can do to change the situation.

Also, because you probably jump the gun when something irritates you, go easy with gut reactions. Slow down, challenge and analyse it. And don't let it get you into trouble.

Take responsibility for what you're saying - don't beat around the bush, just state it clearly.

It goes beyond emotions

Proper anger management goes beyond your emotions. Looking after yourself means you feel better at a general level.

Avoid foods packed with sugars and additives as these send your mood up and down. Minimise caffeine as it heightens anxiety, fuelling angry feelings. Also minimise alcohol as it loosens your tongue when angry.

Definitely take regular, stress-burning exercise selecting something you like so you actually stick with it. You'll sleep better - very important as sleep deprivation makes angry outbursts likely.

Remove yourself if needs be

Even if you implement the first six steps above, there may be times your anger wells up to damaging levels.

Immediately remove yourself from the situation.

Then sit down, take a few deep breaths and talk yourself out of it. Better safe than sorry!