Coming out

back to top Coming out - what does it mean to 'come out'?

Identifying yourself as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (LGBT) and disclosing this to other people is often referred to as 'coming out'.

Many people find that coming out is a positive experience.¹ However, coming to terms with confusion about identity can have both positive and negative effects on many aspects of a person's life, including social relationships, school or work, and self-esteem.² Coming out can be a difficult time; many LGBT people fear negative reactions, rejection and upsetting people they are close to. In many parts of the world strong cultural attitudes and discriminatory laws make coming out even harder.³

Despite the obstacles faced by LGBT people, every day more people around the world make the decision to come out, and many organisations are working to provide support and campaign for the rights of people who are able to come out and live their lives openly as LGBT.

back to top What is coming out like?

A lot of people come out during their teenage years, as this is when we begin to learn more about our sexuality and identity.^{4 5} However, coming out is something that can take place at any point in life. Coming to terms with sexual feelings can take a long time, and many people don't come out until later in life. For some, it may not be until they are older that they become aware of lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender feelings.⁶

Coming out is not a single action, it is a process of coming to terms with being LGBT and disclosing this to others.⁷ Many factors affect the coming out process, for example gender, ethnicity and age, meaning that everyone's coming out experience is unique to them.⁸ However, there are some common stages, which many LGBT people find they go through when they come out:⁹

Sensitisation

'I felt as if I had nothing in common with people. There was no conversation - I don't like sport, I don't like any of this stuff.' Tom¹⁰

"Experiencing life like anyone else as I grew up, I saw movies, read books, and heard stories about love. The typical, Boy meets girl, falls in love at first sight, grow up together, and marry, have kids, then die together all made sense to everyone else. But not me."personal story received by AVERT.

In the first stage of coming out generally a person begins to feel 'different' to other people of the same sex. Sometimes they recognise that they are not very interested in people of the opposite sex but more often they feel they are not really interested in things which are supposed to be appropriate for their sex. Most people report just feeling unusual when they compare themselves to other people of their sex. Commonly this happens before or in early adolescence when friendships and relationships between the sexes begin to change.

Confusion about identity

'I didn't even know what a lesbian was. It was a sort of tradition that girls in the lower end of the school had crushes on older girls. They were everything you wanted to be and admired. I did wonder once if my crush was just a bit stronger than it ought have been but I was brought up to believe I would meet Mr Right and settle down to 2.4 kids so I just expected it to go away when we started to go out with boys.' Katie¹¹

In this stage of coming out, feelings are becoming more concrete. A person may well have partners of both sexes and find their moods and feelings shifting as they feel more or less certain about their identity. Coming out as LGBT involves dealing with changing feelings and also with changing relationships. As a person's perception of themselves alters, they are likely to feel confused about their identity. Experiencing homosexual feelings can be very difficult to come to terms with, particularly if a person lacks knowledge about homosexuality or is aware of stigma attached to being gay or lesbian. In most places, understanding of transgender identities is even more limited, making it very difficult for people to acknowledge and come to terms with feelings that do not match the gender roles traditionally associated with their birth sex.¹²

Different people cope with the emotional upheaval of identity confusion in various ways. Some people who think they are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender will try to deny it to themselves and even seek help to eradicate their feelings. A person might try to avoid thoughts and feelings which may confirm they are homosexual, or ignore inclinations which they don't feel are acceptable for their biological sex. This can make it hard for LGBT people to seek information and support.

Managing relationships with peers and family can also be very difficult for a person who is dealing with confusion about their identity. It is common for someone coming to terms with homosexual feelings to avoid situations in which they encounter opportunities for heterosexual relationships. This strategy means that they don't have to deal with their lack of sexual interest in members of the opposite sex, or have it exposed. Others persevere with heterosexual relationships to try and 'convert' themselves and/or conceal their homosexuality from others.

'You'd keep her for a while, just to keep your mates happy. And then after a bit you just dropped her, saying, 'Ah, didn't really like her, broke down. So you constantly went through the heterosexual bit until you found you were strong enough to go out on your own and tell people.' Rod¹³

It is not unusual for someone at this stage in the coming out process to redefine homosexual feelings and behaviour in such a way as to convince themselves that they are not really homosexual. They may describe an experience as a 'one-off' or a 'phase', or put it down to extreme emotional or physical circumstances such as the break-up of a relationship or drunkenness at a party. Bisexuality in particular is often rejected as a phase, as many people find it difficult to understand sexual orientation which does not fit into the categories of 'gay' or 'straight'.¹⁴

In some extreme cases people may try to avoid confronting their feelings by expressing strong homophobia or turning to drink and drugs in order to find temporary relief from them.

Assuming a lesbian or gay identity

Coming out to my friends was probably one of the best experiences of my life. I could be me, and they would know the reason.Mark¹⁵

Living with confusion about identity is emotionally exhausting and potentially destructive. For some people this period is followed quite quickly by a stage in which they come to accept their identity and are able to express it in a positive way. Mixing with other LGBT people - in social settings or through support groups - can help a person feel able to accept who they are. For some people, particularly in larger towns and cities, LGBT support groups provide a safe environment for coming out. Elsewhere local and national LGBT telephone helplines provide a listening ear for people who want support.

Commitment

'I think when I fell in love it all became so much more concrete for me. I was suddenly very certain of what I wanted and why I wanted it. I mean, I still found myself thinking every now and then, 'why am I gay?', but I came more and more to think, 'I am gay because I love another man'. And I'm proud of that. I am proud of him and I'm proud of me and I don't care who knows it.' Martin¹⁶

The final stage in the process of coming out involves becoming openly lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender and recognising that it is an important aspect of, 'who I am', and, 'how I want to live my life'. People develop a sense of contentment with being LGBT, and see it as a valid way of life. The experience of being in a relationship or falling in love often helps people to feel more confident, fulfilled and able to combat the social stigma that they may suffer.

Some transgender people choose to undergo medical treatment so that their bodies reflect their gender identity. However many choose not to pursue medical options, instead expressing their gender identity through how they dress and present themselves, and how they ask others to refer to them.¹⁷

"I made the personal decision not to go through sex-reassignment surgery. The only person who can decide what's right for you is you."¹⁸

In this final stage of coming out, many people begin to feel proud of their sexuality or gender identity. The expression of this pride in being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender is a powerful force in challenging stigma and prejudiced attitudes, and provides positive role models to others less sure about coming out.

back to top Young people and coming out

LGBT youth are coming out younger than ever before. Studies have shown that the average age gay and lesbian young people begin the process of coming out is now 16, compared to the 1980's when it was between 19 and 23.¹⁹ This means that many more young people are coming out when they are still at school, which can seriously impact upon school-life and work. One study found that half of students who experience homophobic bullying have skipped school because of it.²⁰ Schools that openly acknowledge and include LGBT students, and explicitly oppose homophobic bullying, create a positive environment in which all students feel safe and able to learn.²¹

Coming out as LGBT for many young people can also mean risking rejection and even the loss of support from family. As young people are less likely to have the resources to support themselves if they are cut off from family, this can lead to considerable hardship, for example homelessness, mental health problems and substance abuse. In the US, LGBT young people represent a disproportionate number of homeless youth - between 20 and 40 percent.²²

Young LGBT people need more than just practical support when coming out; acceptance and understanding are crucial. Many young LGBT people are undermined when they try to talk about their sexuality and gender identity, by parents, teachers, and even doctors dismissing their feelings as a phase. Many young people experiment as they are learning more about their sexuality. However, for young LGBT people, coming out is not a phase but an important part of their life. When this is not recognised by close friends and family, young LGBT people often find coming out much harder.²³

back to top How do I come out to my family and friends?

Making sure you're ready

Making the decision to tell others that you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender can relieve a great deal of stress and unhappiness and build self-esteem, as well as help improve relationships. However, there are also risks associated with coming out, and it is important to think carefully about how you could cope with the potential consequences before telling others that you are LGBT.

Friends and family may not react in an understanding way, and relationships can be changed significantly. Having time to fully come to terms with being LGBT before coming out to others can mean you are more prepared to deal with any misunderstanding or prejudice you may face. For many LGBT people around the world, coming out can mean putting their personal safety at risk. The loss of a job or family support can cause great financial hardship and it is important to be prepared for how you can support yourself if this were to happen. In many countries, LGBT people also face discriminatory laws, which make same sex relations between consenting adults a criminal offense.²⁴ The laws and general attitudes towards LGBT people in a country will influence a person's decision about whether they are able to come out, and who they choose to come out to.

Choosing the right time

There is no best way to come out to friends and family. Different approaches are right for different people, depending on their situation and relationship with the person they want to tell. Some people, for example, find it easier to write everything down in a letter, so that they can explain fully what they want to say. This can also give others the time and space to react and come to terms with initial feelings of shock. However, open and frank conversation is a vital part of coming out, and helps to move a relationship forward toward a point of mutual understanding and acceptance. These conversations need time and commitment, so it is best to choose a moment when neither of you will feel rushed or distracted. Being tired or emotional can also make talking more difficult, and lead to people saying things they may otherwise not have said.

Coming out does not mean that you have to tell everybody. Many LGBT people chose to come out first to people who they think are more likely to react positively. This not only helps them get an idea of how people may react, but often means that they will have someone to support them when they come out to others.

"I told the person whom i am closest with. she was a little taken by surprise but took it well and supports me. life is far too short to be hiding away and putting on acts so others will accept you. hopefully i can get more courage and find better ways to express this feeling to others i love"John, personal story received by AVERT

How will people react?

LGBT people often say that they have been surprised by the positive reactions they have received when coming out. It is common for people to be honoured that you feel close enough to share this important part of yourself with them. This acceptance can be a valuable source of strength and helps many LGBT people to have the confidence to express their sexual or gender identity more openly.

However, many LGBT people also have to cope with negative reactions when they come out, which can be very painful, particularly when it is someone who you care about. It is important to be prepared for someone to be shocked; They may feel uncomfortable and not know how to react. This doesn't mean that they will not, with time, accept the news. Try to encourage them to ask questions, as this can help them to understand.²⁵

Some people may never be able to accept your sexuality or true gender identity. This is not something that you can change, and it can be very hard to feel rejected by someone you are close to. It is important not to let negative reactions stop you from coming out to others, as everyone will react differently. Reminding yourself why you have decided to come out can help you stand by that decision.

"There will be people who hate you because you have discovered who you truly are but know that you have the confidence to finally stop pretending. Some people will love you for who you are, these people have confidence. They know who they are and you know who you are."personal story received by AVERT

In the stories section of avert.org, you can find more coming out stories.

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Source back to top

• AVERT, "Talking about Homosexuality in the Secondary School"

References back to top

1. EMIS (2010) 'The European MSM Internet Survey (EMIS) Community Report 1'
2. Savin-Williams R, 'Lesbian, gay male, and bisexual adolescents'. In D'Augelli A & Patterson C (1995), 'Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Identities over the Lifespan: Psychological Perspectives' Oxford University Press: Oxford.
3. Amnesty International, 'Sexual Orientation and Gender Rights'.
4. York F. (2008, September), 'Review: The New Gay Teenager' National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality.
5. USA Today (2007, 2nd November), 'Gay teens coming out earlier to friends and family'.
6. Phillips S, Richardson J & Vaughan S, 'Sexual orientation and psychotherapy'. In Gabbard G, Beck J & Holmes J (2005), 'Oxford textbook of psychotherapy' Oxford University Press: Oxford.
7. Hunter S (2007), 'Coming out and disclosures: LGBT persons across the lifespan'.
8. Grov C et al (2006, May), 'Race, ethnicity, gender, and generational factors associated with the coming-out process among lesbian, and bisexual individuals' Journal of Sex Research 43(2).
9. AVERT (1997), 'Talking about homosexuality in the secondary school'.
10. AVERT (1997), 'Talking about homosexuality in the secondary school'.
11. AVERT (1997), 'Talking about homosexuality in the secondary school'.
12. Ohio University, 'Transgender resource guide'.
13. AVERT (1997), 'Talking about homosexuality in the secondary school'.
14. Parents Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG), 'Bisexuality resource packet'.
15. AVERT (1997), 'Talking about homosexuality in the secondary school'.
16. AVERT (1997), 'Talking about homosexuality in the secondary school'.
17. American Psychological Association (2006), 'Answers to your questions about transgender individuals and gender identity'.
18. Human Rights Campaign (2009), 'Transgender visibility: A guide to being you'.
19. National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (2003), 'Education policy: Issues affecting lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth'.
20. Stonewall (2007), 'School Report: The experiences of young gay people in Britain's schools'.
21. Stonewall (2009), 'Teacher's report'.
22. National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (2006), 'LGBT youth: an epidemic of homelessness'.
23. NHS (2007, 4th September), 'Briefing 3: young lesbian, gay and bisexual people'.
24. International Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans and Intersex Association (2009, May), 'State-sponsored homophobia'.
25. Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (2008), 'How do I tell my parents?'.