Kate de Brito
–,
Tuesday,
October,
07,
2008,
(9:02am)
Dear Bossy: This is something that has been heavy on my mind for a couple of weeks now. I’m a 44 year old single mother (divorced) and I have two daughters. One is living with me still.
She has been dating a boy for 18 months now and he has been coming over regularly more recently. I have enforced strict rules with my daughter that there is to be no sex while under my roof and so far they have been good kids in that respect. The problem isn’t with the daughter so much as the boyfriend.
It was one day when he came over and my daughter was out, delayed for longer than she had expected and I am not sure if he received the same text message from her that I had, telling me that she wasn’t going to be home for dinner. Sometimes I fantasize that he had and that’s why he was there.
When I realised it was him at the door I told him she wouldn’t be home for a while, but he insisted on coming in and waiting for her even though we didn’t know when she’d be back. Since it was a Friday, and coming up to a long weekend, I invited him in and we started drinking and talking.
We talked about the mundane things like the weather and his studies, and then the conversation turned to my daughter. By now we’d had a few drinks to loosen our tongues but lucid enough to know what we were talking about and he told me that he had always wondered what it would be like having me.
I was taken aback by this, of course, because this is my daughter’s boyfriend, not someone I had thought was available for me to look at and even consider let alone think of things like that.
To make a long story short we then had sex. I won’t go into details of course but he made me feel amazing. I envy my daughter for having such romps with him!
My dilemma now is that I don’t know whether to tell my daughter or not. I expected her boyfriend to confess, but it seems to be a matter of keeping her in the dark as far as he’s concerned. He told me he doesn’t regret what we did that day, but he loves my daughter and doesn’t want to break her heart. She sees him as her perfect partner and he adores her.
I don’t know whether to forgive and forget his one little indiscretion with me. I feel guilty about it but I have watched them grow and learn together over the years they have been together, and it’s beautiful and touching and I don’t want to take that away from her. There is no tension between any of us since that time. In fact it feels like there’s completely no tension now, like her boyfriend has finally put to rest any lingering thoughts of infidelity.
He made me feel amazing for a short moment out of time and made me feel attractive and sexual again, and knowing that he can do that for my daughter for the rest of her life puts my mind at ease and makes me a little jealous as well.
Hoping you can help me figure this one out.
Torn Mother.
Bossy says: It’s not often I get really fire and brimstone, but your letter sent my heart rate through the roof.
As I read your first paragraphs I was literally willing you to show restraint and keep your hands off this young man. I was wanting you to remember how important your daughter is, and how no matter what the temptation it is up to you as her mother to turn away and refuse to breach her trust. And then I read on and realised it was all just too late.
Of course this issue has been weighing heavily on your mind for some weeks now. You slept with your daughter’s boyfriend. I’d be flabbergasted if you could committ such a gross act of betrayal and not have it weigh on your mind.
It kind of appalls me that in one paragraph you refer to your daughter and her boyfriend as good “kids”. You say they have been decent enough to refrain from having sex in your house. You act as though you are guiding them in decent behaviour. And then you go and bang you daughter’s man?
At least some of us watched The Graduate and then the 80s teen flick Class, so we all understand it’s a fantasy for some young men to have sex with an older, more experienced woman. And yet I still struggle to understand how you could be so emotionally immature and so easily flattered to tumble into bed just because he thought you were hot.
Which leads me to your question. Should you tell your daughhter? Should you forgive her boyfriend this one indiscretion? Well gee, let me see...
It seems you have this whole matter about-face. You’re wondering whether your daughter’s bloke deserves another chance after cheating on your daughter. But of course the subject is twisted by the fact he was shagging you.
I struggle to see how you can tell your daughter what happened. Despite a secret like this having the potential to damage your long-term relationship with your daughter, you could create even more damage by telling her just to get it off your chest.
For you this was an enjoyable romp. You had your ego stroked and now you’re moving on, happy any tension between you and the boyfriend has disappeared. You fail to appreciate that for your daughter this would amount to a most wretched betrayal, discovering the two people she loves most have let her down.
As a mother you are supposed to do your best to support and protect your daughter. You are expected to be worthy of her trust. All mothers make mistakes and all mothers at some time fail their children. Few do it as absolutely as you.
I can only suggest you work from now to redeem yourself with your daughter, not by self-serving admissions of guilt, but by proving over time that nothing of this nature will ever happen again.
As to the boyfriend and whether he deserves to be with your daughter, you have unfortunately ruled yourself out of having any involvement in this decision. If you had acted in your daughter’s best interests rather than your own, and rebuffed his advances, you might now be in a position to warn her about his character.
As it stands you will have to hold your tongue and show your love and support in other ways.
I think we can all understand the charge of sexual desire, especially the illicit type. And I think most parents feel a twinge of envy when they see young love blossoming and know this is now perhaps beyond them. What most parents don’t do is act on these feelings or try to step into their children’s shoes, effectively stealing a life that is not theirs to live.
The best thing you could do at this stage is work on your own personal growth to try to understand what could make you act with such emotional immaturity. And you can hope your secret isn’t discovered.
As much as you think the situation is resolved don’t be surprised if her boyfriend has talked. He may not be able to help gloating about his conquest. And what one person knows another soon finds out. It may be only a matter of time before a rumour reaches your daughter’s ears.
You will deal with that if and when it happens, by behaving maturely and taking responsibility for you actions including accepting the consequences. It’s the least you can do.
I know this has probably been difficult for you to read and I know you probably love your daughter very much. But understand love isn’t always enough. We must show our love by our actions otherwise the rest is really just words.
I think you’ve sent your email to the wrong place - this is Ask Bossy, not Penthouse Letters.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:16am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:35am)
LMAO
.
what is it with older women preying on young boys lately? it’s disgusting. get a guy your own age.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (10:53am)
I tend to agree wordsmith that I think this is a fantasy story. I am betting that Torn Mother is one of those women who claims that her and her daughter get mistaken for sisters all the time. Dear oh dear.
I can not possibly see a 18 year old boy being interested in his girl friends 40 plus mother. If it is true you should be ashamed of yourself and should be feeling far more guilt that you are showing. Stop blaming the guy, the serious betrayal here is between you and your daughter.
If it is a fantasy, as I suspect, knock yourself out. It is understandable that a women would like to remember back to her younger days when she was more desireable to the opposite sex.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (12:20pm)
I agree. This reeks of Jerry Springer actually.
Seriously Bossy, are these types of letters real?
This person seems too literate, educated and communicative to be so dumb. I sincerely hope this is not some intelligent person sitting back in their office and making this stuff up.
Maybe I just expected a letter such as this to be loaded with spelling mistakes and said with an Aussie twang,
“Awwwww shit. I slept wif me daughter’s fella. He was a good root and he fought I was ‘ot”
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:31pm)
She probably thought it was no big deal, her daughters boyfriends probably the mothers brother.
that’s the only way i think someone could justify this stuffup
PS: ALWAYS TELL PEOPLE, knowing straight away is one thing, finding out the last ?? years where all BS is 150% worse, usually i like bossy’s replies and agree but OMG people what is good about keeping people with pain comming IN THE DARK!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:34pm)
speak for your self kellie
MILF for the win!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (02:46pm)
@James - what do you mean? A good-looking 40-year-old woman is still attractive, and there’s a definite appeal of a woman who knows what she wants, and is willing to show you the ropes. They can be very good at it.
That said, trying to steal your daughter’s beau is way, way off. Good luck with your daughter ever forgiving you.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (06:01pm)
I have a feeling this letter is based on a true story.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (10:28pm)
you are a BAD BAD person.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (10:35pm)
This woman doesn’t feel sorry at all, she only wrote in so she had a forum where she could gloat about her conquest without her daughter finding out. Any expressions of regret were merely to add an element to the letter that would help get it published. She had no intention of telling her daughter, but wishes she could tell someone so they would know that she was desired by a younger man.
i doubt her friends would approve or allow her to have the goss sesh about it she is secretly craving so she’s hoping we will all cheer her on. I have no problem with older women sleeping with younger guys, old men do it all the time and are applauded. But your daughter’s bf is the lowest thing you could do besides rubbing it in her face by telling her about it.
help her ditch this loser and go find a guy with no strings attached (although I figure that was probably part of the turn on, the fact that it was forbidden and your daughter might return at any moment).
Thu 09 Oct 08 (06:28am)
Yes this letter does reek of bored teenager on school holidays living out a fantasy.
That said, lots of my 40+ female friends get hit on by young men. Just last weekend having a few drinks with 2 female friends they were approached twice by men under 21. One even sat down and stated his case - or should I say his fantasy.
I also did a test. I went onto one of the free dating sites and created a fake profile of a 50 yr old woman seeking a young man. The next morning I had about 40 emails in my fake inbox and about 15 included their photo and mobile number. I was amazed.
Most of my friends have not bothered taking up the offers and in a couple of cases they admitted they did but none of course as crude as with their daughters boyfriend. that is just too weird.
Thu 09 Oct 08 (08:16am)
Yeah, I call BS. All it really needed was to begin with “I never thought this would happen to me"…
Thu 09 Oct 08 (09:14am)
Kellie, you’re missing out. I’m 20 and would LOVE to have a relationship with an older woman—so much they can show me that you young girls can’t
Thu 09 Oct 08 (11:04am)
The opening line shouldn’t have been “This is something that has been heavy on my mind for a couple of weeks now.” It should have been - “I never thought these letters were real”, or “I never thought this could happen to me”.......
Thu 09 Oct 08 (11:12am)
James,
You have got to be kidding...you said, “I can not possibly see a 18 year old boy being interested in his girl friend’s 40 plus mother.”
Mate, if her mum is like Halle Berry who is over 40 by the way, I am sure you would be interested...damn!
With more advanced cosmetics, better diet, more life experience and better finances I have no doubt that a woman who have kept herself in a great shape in her 40’s would have an upper hand over most teenagers or early twenties who thinks Miley Cyrus is cool, is facinated with the latest iphone and dinning out at KFC is considered a luxury because it costs more than Hungary Jack’s.
Thu 09 Oct 08 (11:32am)
What does MILF stand for?
Thu 09 Oct 08 (11:34am)
G, you’re overlooking the fact that young ones can pick things up quite quickly!
Thu 09 Oct 08 (04:37pm)
you guys must lead pretty sheltered lame lives if you find this hard to believe.
and you who feel the need to comment that it is disgusting for a woman inher 40s to be with a younger man - even worse
not that that has anything to do with the fact that this torn mother has committed an outrageous act of harm towards her daughter.
and yes bossy is right. she should not tell, that is self serving and likely to be even more damaging to the daughter, that is unless the family come from a typical aussie white trash suburb, which i expect is the case
Thu 09 Oct 08 (06:56pm)
Mel, MILF is a Mum I’d Like to ... Well use your imagination to fill in the rest. I’ll give you a hint: It’s not “have deep and meaningful conversations with”.
Fri 10 Oct 08 (09:39am)
Oh dear, I should have expected the older women to come out fighting that they are desireable to young men. My observations are that I have never seen a mother and daughter who could be mistaken for sisters, I have never seen a 40 plus women who was legitimate competition to a 20 year old women for any aged man (especially not a 20 year old). That being said if we take it to the extreme if the 40 year old looked like Hale Berry I am sure she would get some interest.
As a 25 year old now, I find the concept of sleeping with a women 20 years older than me quite disgusting. I generalise however usually overweight, wrinkled, droopy with baggage. Yeah that sounds a lot better than a 21 year old blonde hard body. Haha each to there own I guess.
Fri 10 Oct 08 (11:32am)
Aha, thanks Kate. I’ve filled in the blanks. lol.
Sat 11 Oct 08 (01:59pm)
James said: “As a 25 year old now, I find the concept of sleeping with a women 20 years older than me quite disgusting. I generalise however usually overweight, wrinkled, droopy with baggage. Yeah that sounds a lot better than a 21 year old blonde hard body. Haha each to there own I guess.”
Yep. Said the same exact thing when I was your age. But let me tell you what is coming. The young ones will always look pretty. But in a few years, you will be amazed at how 40-year-old women suddenly transform themselves from “ewwwww” to “holy chit!” Looking backwards at 40, now, they actually qualify as “babes” in my book, provided that they have made half an effort to keep some kind of physical fitness.
Mon 13 Oct 08 (07:00am)
This is your daughter, my God, be an adult and tell her what you did, before someone else does, it will be better coming out of your mouth then someone else and not just that if your daughters bf can cheat with you he can cheat with someone else, be a women and take on some responsibility. I think you should tell your daughter as soon as you get the chance, and for next time try someone your one age that is single.
Tue 14 Oct 08 (08:52am)
I can’t wait until the video shows up on the net
Tue 04 Nov 08 (01:13pm)
What you’ve done is discusting he doesn’t love her because if he did he wouldn’t be sleeping around your prob not th eonly person he has slept with. And to do it with a guy your daughter is sexually active with is discusting. I could never imagine my mum doing that with my boyfriend. YOU DISCUST ME.
You should def tell your daughter because she has the right to know. because it makes me feel sick just thinking abotu what you’ve done.
Thu 20 Nov 08 (12:59am)
you’re buggered love…
if that was my mother..
i would never EVER speak to her agen…
and id ever get married id never invite her just because that thought would always be in the back of my mind… what if??
anyways LOL unlucky on you.. you deserve what you get from your daughter
JERRY! JERRY!
On a serious note, you are an awful person. Why tell your daughter? It’ll only humiliate her. What type of mother does this? And then to try and make excuses for it. I hope like hell he and your daughter break up and she finds someone faithful. And you keep your hands to yourself.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:19am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:36am)
LOL!!
Jerry!! Jerry!!
Thu 09 Oct 08 (04:46pm)
This is the exact story of what happened with Maurissa and her mum in season one of the OC…
when maurissa found out the bf was gone and she wanted nothing to do with her mum…
i hope you tell your daughter so she can do the same to you, you selfish b*tch… putting your own sexual gratification before your daughters feelings and trust??
you dont deserve to be a mother
Thu 09 Oct 08 (06:29pm)
do not - I repeat do not tell your daughter - she will feel utterly betrayed by the one person that should be the one place she can feel safe, the one person who should care more about her feelings than a drunken romp with a young man ....... (her young man)
it isn’t about his age, its about your obsession with soothing your ego and your appetite...... over the care of your child - you have lost the precious trust of your daughter - not that you deserve it!
You should never have let it happen.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:21am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:16am)
Very true.... but sadly, it did so the big question is what to do from here.
I would suggest, at the moment, you say nothing. If you daughter finds out, then that’s the time to confess. But not now.
Shouldn’t you be more worried about whether you forgive yourself? Or if your daughter can ever forgive you?
Saying something now will be a double heart-ache to her. She would end up hating both of you.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:15am)
Well, duh, Soriah! What a lot of tongue-clicking, perfect people we have here, reading all these censorious posts. People who, if they are Christians, seem to have forgotten the bit about ‘let he who has never sinned cast the first stone...’.
You lot sound like the type of people who witness a car accident then stand around criticising the careless driving.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:13pm)
Ratso.......meh!
Thu 09 Oct 08 (01:15pm)
ratso - No one is pretending to be a saint, but I’m pretty sure the majority of posters have never slept with their offspring’s partner (well, those with kids, anyway) at the same time said offspring was supposed to be dating said partner.
your daughter deserves better then you
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:22am)
Mon 20 Oct 08 (03:04pm)
I hooked up with my friend’s boyfriend while they were still together, they have since broken up but the worst mistake I made was telling her. I thought because they were broken up I could clear my conscience and make her aware of it so the issue wouldn’t surface later.
It was the worst, most selfish mistake I have made as I did it to clear my conscience, not because I wanted to do what was best for my friend.
My advice: Only tell your daughter if you think that is the best thing for her well being not yours. Go Bossy — great advice once again!!
What an selfish immature woman… scary…
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:27am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:03am)
I agree completely…
I hope your daughter finds out what an awful person you are and never speaks with you again. It will cause her a lot of pain at first, but she deserves to know about the knife in her back and who has put it there.
And then to describe this incident as an indiscretion of her boyfriend’s only - I’m sorry, how self-centred are you exactly? You cheated on her too, you know. The boyfriend wasn’t the only one who did the wrong thing.
You both make me sick. You are a disgrace to motherhood.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:21pm)
Yep.. i agree…
What kind of a person would do that?
Its wrong on oh so many levels.
she will never forgive you! nor be able to scrap the image in her mind…
‘eeewwwwww’
Thu 09 Oct 08 (10:17am)
Kay writes: “I hope your daughter finds out what an awful person you are and never speaks with you again. It will cause her a lot of pain at first, but she deserves to know about the knife in her back and who has put it there.”
Cause her a lot of pain *at first*? I would say, cause her a lot of pain - period. I for one hope the daughter never finds out. She is the true victim in all of this - how does it benefit her to never speak to her mother again? To possibly lose, forever, one of the most important relationships she ever will ever have?
Torn Mother clearly has a lot of soul searching to do regarding why she made such an extreme error of judgment. I agree 100% with Bossy that this should not involve “self-serving admissions of guilt” to her daughter. Torn Mother needs to focus on her own self esteem, to ensure that she *never* makes a similar choice in the future. Comments about how sexually fulfilling the boyfriend was, and how it made her feel young again, suggest a significant crisis of confidence. It may be that speaking with a psychologist or counsellor will help, as her confidentiality will be protected.
This of course leaves open the possibility that the boyfriend will say something. My initial reaction is that Torn Mother needs to cross that bridge if she comes to it. If the boyfriend says something in the context of a nasty breakup or idle gossip, Torn Mother could deny it as out of hand and ridiculous. If he capitulates out of guilt - “I love you but need to tell you something” - that would be more problematic. But it is quite likely that will never happen.
Obviously, too, Torn Mother cannot out the boyfriend as a cheat. Torn Mother does not know whether this is a one-off incident or part of a pattern. If it is the latter, she can only hope her daughter finds out independently.
Sat 11 Oct 08 (07:20am)
Why would you think that continuing such a poisonous relationship with someone who would do something like that to their own daughter would be of any benefit to the girl in the future?
I don’t care if this woman is her mother, she certainly has not behaved like one. The relationship between a mother and daughter should be one of loyalty and absolute trust. If my mother did this to me I would never speak with her again.
It’s completely evil and sick.
OMG!!
Did the thought occur to you that if he so easily cheated on her daughter with you that prehaps he has with other women as well. He has probably used the lines on you with other women while still dating your daughter. How can you say he is a good bloke and is good for your daughter?
At the same time, he no longer have the right to intervene. If you find him cheating with other women, you can’t say anything because he will tell her about you. Also, what will happen if they break up? He may tell her then to make her angry. What happens if they get married? Are you going to resist temptation for the rest of your life?
I think you need to tell her now before he does after a fight or when she catches him cheating with someone else.
Once a cheater always a cheater. This may have been the first time he cheated but once it was so easy to cheat, he will do it again.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:30am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (03:16pm)
Shmuda brings up some awefully good points here.
Also - you disgust me. Not only did you and your daughter share a partner but you think he is a “good guy” - trash.
Thu 09 Oct 08 (04:46pm)
I agree with Shmuda.
What a mess this is - a terrible horrible mess and I feel so sorry for the OP’s daughter - that poor young girl who has grown up loving and respecting her mother and her wishes, then to be betrayed in the worst way possible.
This made me feel so incredibly, deeply sad.
As a mother of 2 teenaged daughters and 2 adult step daughters, I am absolutely horrified that this even crossed the OP’s mind, let alone resulted in a sordid act.
I’ve been called a MILF often (and a couple of times by my oldest daughter’s lesbian friends) but gees!!! Take it with a grain of salt and move on.
Parents are supposed to be supportive and loving and respectful of their children - it works both ways.
I can imagine the pain the OP’s daughter will go through when she finds out. And she will find out, because as previously stated, people cannot keep their mouths shut.
Very very sad indeed.
Fri 10 Oct 08 (02:37pm)
When I was 18, my mother slept with my boyfriend. (He was 26, she was 52).
I didn’t find out till I was pregnant with our child 3 years later, when he had a few too many to drink, and slurred that I was a better root than my mother. I asked Mum, and she confirmed that she had slept with him. Eventually, I ran away with Mum’s boyfriend. All square. No problem. Most guys will jump on anything they get the opportunity to anyway if they think they can get away with it..
How old was this boy exactly?
I’m concerned by the fact that you reference him as a ‘kid’, yet you slept with him????
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:30am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:55am)
My thoughts exactly. She also gave him alcohol!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:06am)
I am also extremely concerned about this. You also mention his ‘studies’ ... i pray that you are not referring to highschool!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:18pm)
What ever his age he will be high fiving himself for getting the all but impossible cow and calf double. What a champion.
So many words running through my mind while reading this post. Betrayel, jealousy, and yes Bossy definatly immature. The last word is KARMA!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:32am)
i didn’t know they had internet connections in trailer parks....
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:32am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:45am)
They prefer to call them mobile homes these days
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:49am)
wireless
sometimes it is so hard to believe these letters are real, people never cease to amaze me but there is almost always some evidence after the fact that they are.
seriously, I have an adult child and cannot imagine getting it on with his peers, it’s wrong in more ways than one. I even know someone whose mother selpt with his friend, that betrayal was bad enough. If I were your daughter and you told me you slept with my lover I would never forgive you, ever. I might talk to you someday again but I would never trust you again. Bossy is right, love is not a word, it is a lifetime of actions and I’m not sure you understand that.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:01am)
Haha, why did my mind jump to this straight away also?
Damn you Jerry Springer for putting these stereotypes in my head.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:06am)
OMG! They must live in the trailer park with me!
Last week my mum slept with my boyfriend and now all the mum’s are doing it.
I sure showed her though, I slept with my step dad and now we have to move out of the trailer park....
lmao :-D
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:17am)
‘trailer trash’ omg are u serious??
If so....
You are all class! I dont find that funny at all!
The bad genes do actually spread. I hope this girl doesnt do it to her kids one day.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (03:52pm)
Jaya = Gullible
Thu 09 Oct 08 (07:35am)
“just a suggestion replied to dingo
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:49am)”
I was actually part of something like that… I was staying with a friend and his family. His mother was a big drinker and would constantly make advances. We ended up having sex on several occasions while her sons were sleeping downstairs. I honestly don’t know how they slept through it. When it became f*cked up, it really did, I moved out and told friends what had happened. It got back to my mate and needless to say we don’t talk anymore. I was 17 then, now I’m 21 and he still holds a grudge. I really feel like I wasn’t the responsible adult in that situation- that she crossed the line, not me. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become clearer that she indeed was very much in the wrong. Being over 30 years her junior, she should’ve resisted.
Thu 09 Oct 08 (01:58pm)
Come on J, take responsibility for your actions. Of course you were in the wrong as well...you were doing your mate’s mum while he was asleep. 17 is old enough to know right from wrong. Yeah, she should have resisted...but YOU should have as well. Grow up.
Thu 09 Oct 08 (02:29pm)
GOLD!!!!!
Now bring on the “You know your a red neck when......” jokes!!!!!!
Thu 09 Oct 08 (04:15pm)
Gotta love the internet on mobiles.
Stop being a selfish bitch.
Your sister’s boyfriend cheated on her, will break her heart and crush her hope, and you’re a part of that.
For one, you’re terrible.
For two, you shouldn’t want someone like that with your daughter. Somone that shows her so little respect.
You need to tell your daughter, and apologise as much as can apologise, grovel if you can. Because you just undermined any faith and hope she had in you.
Keep it in your pants, guys are told that all the time. It’s about time you do the same.
You’re her mum!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:32am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:58am)
“Your sister’s boyfriend cheated on her, will break her heart and crush her hope, and you’re a part of that”
Tybalt it is her daughter not sister
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:25pm)
My sister! ... my daughter! ... my sister! ... my daughter!
This is the first time I have to disagree with you Bossy.
This letter repulsed me. I think she needs to tell her daughter. She needs to let her know firstly what an cheating asshole her boyfriend is. And then tell her what an immature slut her own mother is.
Then let the daughter make her own decision on whether she needs any of these people in her life. She is old enough.
The mother has not just broken the trust that should be between a mother and daughter, but in my opinion, has completely severed it beyond repair.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:34am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:06am)
AGREED!!! great advice Greg.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (12:48pm)
Agree with every word of Greg’s - from the “disagree with Bossy” to the “tell the daughter”. Why live life as a lie?
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:08pm)
The daughter, the victimised party here, needs to be allowed to choose.
As for TM, I think you’re in denial as to how big a betrayal this is.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (02:59pm)
I just reckon if she decided to tell it will only made herself feel better. I feel sorry for the daughter, with a mum that is so selfish and irresponsible.
I agree with Wordsmith...and I’d put money on the author of this letter being some dude getting his jollies off
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:35am)
I’m pretty angered at what you’ve done, but also just saddened and really pity that you couldnt control yourself for five seconds for the sake of your own flesh and blood. The thing that makes me the most angry is that neither of you regret it. Thats a disgusting display of selfishness. Id be in agony if I ever got drunk and cheated on my husband.
Maybe you should actually tell her, because if neither of you regret it then i wonder if she marries this SOB and you two decide to do it again five years down the track when shes pregnant and cant meet his ‘need’ one day? I think its a good likelihood because your letter expresses a sense of satisfaction that you got a younger man and he pleased you in bed. She may just well be better off without the both of you.
Now I’m all for reconciling families, but I would rather the bombshell drop now than when shes married with 3 kids who also have to deal with the fallout.
But all in all I have no idea what you should do right at this moment. I think you first need to get over your personal satisfaction and unfounded BS jealousy to feel some sort of remorse for your actions before you decide what to do. Because seriously your response to the situation is more sickening to me than the actual act. So when you find yourself finally feeling some sort of proper response to what you’ve done, come back and then we can try again. But until then, you should damn well just TRY and be ashamed of yourself.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:36am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:11am)
“you couldnt control yourself for five seconds for the sake of your own flesh and blood.”…
Can you shed some light on how to recognise at which point these 5 seconds start...???
Wed 08 Oct 08 (09:18am)
The five seconds after the idiot boyfriend propositioned her that she should have taken to throw him out of the house.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:00am)
“throw him out of the house” is another extreme to what actually happened in the event explained by OP.
Is there any mediocre way?
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:41am)
If my mother’s boyfriend, husband’s friend or my future children’s partners *ever* expressed a sexual interest in me and we were alone in the house, yes I would ask them to leave.
NOT asking them to leave is akin to welcoming the attentions.
But that’s just my sense of propriety and honor and clearly others (such as yourself) will/may differ on what they consider appropriate.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (01:45pm)
agree with sarah, 5 seconds to get out of the house. if the suggestion was ambiguous, maybe you could do it politely and take a minute. nothing wrong with your sense of propriety & honour!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (02:04pm)
Sarah, a brilliant response. You’ve captured all my thoughts exactly — what upset me the most was the lack of contrition in her email.... it almost sounded smug to me. And personally I can’t really be bothered wasting 15 minutes of my lunch hour on penning a response.
And about throwing people out of the house, I’m on your side there too — it would be entirely appropriate.
Now I’m off over to your wee post now… will try to be far more constructive than on this one!
Wed 08 Oct 08 (04:51pm)
Sarah, as ever, you rock my world!
a bucket of common sense in an endless drought.
thank you
Thu 09 Oct 08 (08:42am)
Is it the BOY just lucky that he proposed and MUM agreed??? OR he read some signs and hints over a period of time???
Thu 09 Oct 08 (08:43am)
Lucky in the sense ‘not to be kicked out in 5 seconds’…
Hold her toungue? I don’t think so. Suck it up and tell your daugther what happened. People are such animals these days. They can’t control their sexual instincts. Yes your daugther will hate you and her bf, but still, it’s better than lying to your daughter. The longer it takes for her to find out, the worse the situation will be. Just imagine her and her bf have a big fall out and he tells her that he slept with you just to make her angry.... World war 3 will be coming your way. Tell her now !!
It seems animals are becoming tame and humans are becoming wild, with no thought of what their actions might cause.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:36am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (10:55am)
“ People are such animals these days”
No, you just hear about it more. If stats are anything to go off, people are actually improving, regardless of what the media says.
Thu 09 Oct 08 (02:05pm)
You are so right Tim the Toolman. I was complaining to my sister about how the world is going to hell and crimes are getting worse, people getting worse etc and she said they had just covered that in a topic at Uni, where a study showed society is not degenerating, we are just hearing more things because of the internet and more immediate reporting of events.
Bossy i love reading your blog.
This one totally shocked me.
Who needs enemies with a mother like this!
What a sad woman you are to put yourself before your daugher. The bond between mother and daughter is a huge thing. Im Irish and living in Australia and i e-mail my mother every single day.
All my male friends and boyfriends in the past have fancied her. She’s a young good looking single woman. But would never even contemplate something like this. She has morals and values which this woman is seriously lacking.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:37am)
Oh my giddy aunt… I can’t decide if I think this letter is real or not! I guess because I find it so smug in that this woman seems almost proud to have slept with her daughter’s boyfriend! And I reckon if she had the chance again she would jump at it!
Why are you telling us how good it made you feel? If you had any conscience you would be telling us that you make yourself sick every time you look in the mirror. You sad selfish woman.
While I am generally a believer in the truth… don’t tell your daughter. No good can come of it! You would be easing your own conscience and shattering her whole world. If her idiot boyfriend is really no good, he will slip up with someone else and your daughter will see his true colours. Sadly, it will probably be your arms she is crying in and I hope your guilt eats you from the inside out if/when that day comes.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:37am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:07am)
Completely agree Rooster - smug and proud!
This was jaw dropping behaviour and if/when she does find out you will reap the ‘rewards’ of your own selfish behaviour. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (02:17pm)
The guilt won’t eat her as she has no conscience, only the ones with a conscience engage in guilt.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (03:53pm)
smug… exactly what I was thinking as I read the OP!
I doubt you actually feel any guilt given that you are more interested in telling us how he made you feel and how you are so jealous of your daughter.
I am so gobsmacked no only that a mother could so ruthlessly betray her daughter but then to not appear to have genuine dispair and shame over what happened. What you have done is so disgraceful I would like to say some seriously nasty things but will leave it to the many other posts.
Bossy’s advice was spot on and good on you for the fire & brimstone!!
Your daughter deserves to know what a poor excuse for a mother you are and that her ‘adoring’ boyfriend is a loser.
Your letter screams pathetic and desperation.
I hope she finds out and never speaks to either of you again.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:38am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (10:54am)
Agreed. OP, you do not deserve your daughter. You are scum.
No wonder you are divorced. Obviously your ex husband is a smart man.
Ooooh I like this one.
As a mother you should not better...but sadly its not the first time it has happened and usually the cause is..alcohol.
I wouldn’t tell your daughter and hope that the boyfriend doesn’t tell her or your relationship with her will be destroyed and do you want that.
Acting as though nothing has happened is going to be hard. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again, by say GETTING YOUR OWN FRIGGEN BOYFRIEND..
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:41am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (04:05pm)
After that big a stuff up you have no choice but to deny everything.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:43pm)
He will tell her. At some point there will be some argument, and women often get very nasty and personal in order to get the man into the argument. Faced with all the armament in his girlfriend’s arsenal he will feel he has no choice but to use the doomsday device “I f#cked your mother!”. Lives will be lost!
Thu 09 Oct 08 (04:29pm)
Yes, he will talk but just keep denying it and casting negative views of his charachter. Never admit it to anyone else. You should be able to pull it off - though not really a recommended position to put oneself in, but if protecting your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing then.... PS pretty low thing to do, you are much more culpable than the young boyfirend.
I reckon you’ve been had, Bossy. Notwithstanding the reveresed gender roles, this reads like a Penthouse Forum entry. I reckon it’s some bloke who wants to have a lend of you.
“Sometimes I fantasize that he had and that’s why he was there...” Oh please.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:43am)
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:03am)
I’m not sure why people think this story isn’t true. Just add alcohol or drugs to any situation and anything can happen.
But I have three words for the mother in this story.
McTavish, Jeeves, and Bazooka.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:09am)
I’m normally not a sceptic, but I’m with you on this one, David. This post is too provocatively phrased, and is too well-constructed to have been written by anyone stupid enough to expect any sympathy.
Oh, I’m sure it will get a lot of pops. But then, so do fake tits.
Wed 08 Oct 08 (11:45am)
Monkey, as much as I hate to think it, I am sure there are cases when a mum has sex with her daughter’s bf. But that doesn’t mean this one is true. To me the original post is unbelievable not because of the crux of what it describes but the way it describes it. It just doesn’t sound true.
So maybe the post is totally bogus or maybe a mum had an affair with her daughter’s bf and kind of wants advice but can’t bring herself to describe the issue honestly. I don’t know why you wouldn’t be honest on an anonymous forum like this.
I can’t believe this…
surely you didn’t…
You really do have a dilemma. I don’t know what advice to give.
If I had been cheated on (no matter who it was with) I would want to know, and yes I would be furious at both parties, regardless of who the other person was.
So now you are stuck with:
a) don’t tell and live with the guilt
b) tell and risk the wrath of your daughter and see your daughters relationship fall apart
If you choose option B then you have to hope to hell that your daughter will forgive you…
all in all i have no advice to give just stating the options
Wed 08 Oct 08 (08:44am)
Fri 10 Oct 08 (10:59am)
If she doesnt tell the daughter, what is going to stop the boyfriend telling her to be cruel when they break up (which they innevitably will since he’s a cheater) Surely the lesser of the two evils would be for it to come from the mum