Kate de Brito
–,
Monday,
March,
14,
2011,
(7:22am)
Dear Bossy: My wife and I have been married 19 years this year, we have two children (14 and 11) and I thought our life together was a great as anyone could every hope or dream of. We’re both fit and healthy people (she’s in fact been a very successful personal trainer for about 7 years now, working hard 5-6 days a week) and I’ve always thought I’m the luckiest guy in the world to be married to her, not just because she is an incredibly attractive woman (she turns 40 soon, yet most people pick her as early 30s) but also because she’s a wonderful wife, companion and mother.
Then about 2 weeks ago I found out she was having an affair, which naturally enough has completely crushed me……...
The discovery came about when a number of things that have occured over the last month or two didn’t really seem right to me when I put them all together: she’s always dressed very well but since the start of this year had been buying more and more “sexy lingerie” and so on, but I have never seen her wearing them. She would receive multiple text messages on her phone late at night but she’d say they were from a specific girlfriend (who I have met in person - let’s call her “Anna” here) and she would also get very annoyed if myself or one of the kids touched her phone for any reason). She also started going out to the city on the occasional Friday/Saturday night for drinks with “Anna” and another girlfriend while I stayed at home to mind the kids. I was fine with this because I was told they’d all stay together, and she’d be happy knowing I trusted her and wanted her to have a good time, which they did. On two occasions though she pre-planned to “stay the night at Anna’s” to save having to drive home late at night, even though that was only a 10 minute drive.
So, it all started to unravel when I was standing beside her one day and the real “Anna” rang. The name on my wife’s phone came up as “Anna “ however all the late night text messages she’d received previously came from “Anna Th”. This I later discovered was the code name in her phone for a guy she knew who works near to where we live (let’s call him “Thomas"). I also found out that they had been sending each other quite explict text and picture messages (including a nude shot to him on Valentine’s Day!) and this led to me discovering that the two stay-overs at “Anna’s” apartment was actually a night at his house and another night at a local hotel (for which I have since obtained a copy of the room bill - she used the name “Ms….”, the real Anna’s address and paid for it on a credit card I didn’t know existed). The lingerie was all for his benefit too, as he appreciatively told her via text. I was gutted.
Anyway, I sat down with her one afternoon 2 weeks ago and let her know how much I love her and don’t want to lose her, but that I was now fully aware of the affair. The initial denials eventually turned to acknowledgements that I was right and that it was all true. This led to the obvious question: Why? Well, this is where I need feedback from you and your readers Bossy. My wife’s ‘reason’ for having an affair was to improve our sex life, and that she was doing it all for me. She felt that with “Thomas” she became sexually ‘alive’ (he’s 8 years older than me, but much fitter being that he’s also a personal trainer), and she was happy that she could bring that energy back into our relationship. The history with my wife and I in that department is that we had made love only once each year from 2006 to 2010, simply because she wasn’t interested and/or a lack of energy or motivation on her side. My efforts to help were seen as more of a hindrance, because she mistook them as me wanting sex almost every day, even though I never tried that often. On numerous occasions when I tried to talk to her about it she would get annoyed about the subject. The tipping point I’m told was when I said to her about a year ago (after one of the above failed discussions) that we might as well sleep in separate rooms, hoping to spark a conversation that would lead to us rectifying the issue. She told me she had been privately stewing about that comment ever since, and in doing so she says that’s what led to the affair she is now having. Admittedly we’ve been having great sex 1-2 times a week since the beginning of this year, but now I know the heartbreaking reason behind her ‘sudden’ resurgence of interest and increased libido.
So, we’re now at the point that my wife is angry at me finding out about the affair (funnily enough I’m angry too, but have not raised my voice once) as she hoped that it could go on indefinitely “for us”. I’m willing to forgive and for us to see a counsellor or do whatever it takes to keep the marriage (and family) together, but she still wants to ‘see him’ once a month, which of course I told her is an untenable situation. I haven’t mentioned sex but she’s told me several times since that I can forget about it, and that she’s now “shut down” in that regard. I asked her to tell “Thomas” that I now know about the two of them and to end it. She said she did but I have my doubts, mainly because the text messages continue (she says they from the real “Anna” but I know for certain they’re not) and she still visits him in the store where he works.
I haven’t eaten or slept properly for these last 2 weeks because of the anguish I’m going through, and I’m man enough to say I’ve had a cry or two in an empty meeting room at the office where I work. I know I need to confront her for a second time about the ongoing deception but I don’t want to throw away 20+ years by simply asking her to leave. I feel I should make her choose between him or me but don’t want her to leave. I know where “Thomas” works and lives but I am using an enormous amount of self-control to not confront him at either location. He also has a girlfriend would you believe, so the temptation to tell her is huge but I don’t want any split between them to give him “clearance” to continue pursuing my wife. Where do I go from here? Your guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks and regards, “Distraught yet loving husband”
Bossy says: What are you trying to do? Squeeze my heart out? Your letter just killed me. It gave me such a strong sense of your pain and despair.
You used the word anguish and I think it really describes what you are going through and I suspect most of us can sympathise with that. Even those of us who have not been in your particular situation have probably been though times of extreme mental and emotional pain.
Part of your anguish of course is not knowing what to do. You feel stuck in this nightmare with no idea which way to move.
Do you leave? But you love her. Stay? But how can you bear the compromise? Tell the man’s partner and possibly push them together?
I don’t know if I can give you all answers. But I can offer you some comfort. One way or another this situation will resolve itself and probably sooner than you think. You can’t live under this level of strain. One of you will bring it to a head.
The most important thing right now is that you are not afraid of your wife. You can not sit back and be too scared to talk to her because you fear she will walk away. If she does then you have to be clear it would have happened anyway.
Just for the record your wife’s reason for having an affair sounds like rubbish, although of course I can’t know what is really going on. I suspect though she is interested in something more than just an affair this man and will hold out for the time he leaves his wife.
She probably hoped she could continue in this holding pattern until he made a decision. Alternately, now you know she hopes to keep it going with him secretly. The idea that she keep the affair going to make your marriage better was a ruse.
Despite all of that I get what you mean about not throwing 20 years of marriage away. Many people today will tell you to dump her. But anyone who has been in a once solid marriage knows it’s not that easy.
Still, there is hope for you as a couple, even at this terrible juncture. Be hopeful but don’t be blind.
Marriages can survive infidelity but it takes a lot of elements to bring you out the other side.
One is a determination by both partners to stay together and make it work.
Another is a determination by the cheating partner to end the affair, be upfront and honest about their dealings and essentially open up their life to scrutiny in order to regain trust.
Another is the willingness of the partner who has been cheated on to forgive.
Counselling is also pretty helpful.
You do need to confront your wife again. You need to sit down and say: “I know it is still going on and you can shout until you are blue that you have ended it. And even if you have we can’t just pick up and keep going now as though nothing has happened. We need to pull this mess of a marriage apart and see if we can start again.”
It might also help to make a heartfelt plea for compassion. Sometimes you can appeal to the best in people when you say: “You are tearing me apart. If you love me or loved me once, have some compassion and let me know how things really stand.”
Forget about telling his partner for the time being. You can wade into that mess anytime. Focus on the conversation with your wife. See if she will commit to ending it and getting counselling and handing over her phone to you whenever you ask. This is the bare minimum.
If you feel she is continuing the affair you always have the option of confronting him. Tell him you will tell his wife. See how keen he is on continuing to shag your wife then.
I wish you all the best. I am not certain any of this will help you, because I can only advise you on how to conduct yourself. Your wife’s actions are sadly out of our control.
All the best
Please update us when you can.
“You are tearing me apart” Bossy?
Really?
Have you ever seen a film called “The Room”?
If not, go watch it and then you will know why I burst out laughing when I read that line.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (07:35am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:17am)
Hey when my wife cheated on me, I found the guy and I f&*ked him, my wife wasn’t happy but hey if I’m going to get f&*ked then I’ll do the f&*kin.
Worked for me sailor,
toot toot!,
Mon 14 Mar 11 (12:01pm)
Bossy, great advice.
OP, man the f*ck up. She’s clearly bored and is seeking some excitement elsewhere and although she says she has stopped, she has not. You should leave. Screw her! Let her look after the kids. Then you can see if she has time for this other dude. All that bullshit about the lack of motivation is crap. She has it. It is directed elsewhere. Leave the sorry bitch. She doesn’t appreciate the loving husband she has. Her loss.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (06:48pm)
I really feel for you, however I think you’re being incredibly naive.
Your wife is cheating on you, and when confronted she basically blamed you for the affair by saying that she has been privately seething about a comment you made about having seperate rooms. Which sounds like a perfectly just comment considering your dwindling sex life.
She then claims that she had the affair to save your marriage.... hmmmm.... she’s quite a manipulator, yes?
If a guy said this to me I would tell him to go # himself in no uncertain terms.
I’m sorry OP, I applaud your wanting to work on the marriage and keep the relationship together, and if she had cried and begged forgiveness and promised never to see him again.... well, maybe I would think their was promise, and a reason for you to want to work on it.
But she hasn’t. She has blamed you, she has made a ridiculous excuse for cheating, and she still wants to see him.
How respected do you feel right now? And don’t you think you deserve better?
I do.
Best of luck in whatever you decide, but trust me… no-one respects a doormat. Don’t let her think you will accept being treated this way.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (05:22am)
It’s over mate - you are the beta and he is an alpha male. I hate to say this but maybe you should also check the paternity of your kids as well.
Seriously - it’s over and the sooner you realise that the sooner you can start to mend your heart.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (10:09am)
Went through the same thing , didn’t know what to do but in the end I left 1 week before Christmas, yes it was damn hard but what I couldn’t see was the future.I couldn’t trust her anymore and I had 2 beautiful kids to think about and they became my priority.
The skank got her karma back when the guy she fell for dumped her but 1 year later i met a fantastic woman who helped and guide me and now 8 years later she is my best friend and a fantastic step mum to my kids.
You can’t see it yet but it does get better.
I think Bossy has great advice.
I just want to add one thing: your wife has been selfish (despite what she says) and is continuing to be incredibly immature. You have two children. Whatever happens between you and your wife as you try to work through this, it appears to be up to you to protect those children from hearing the details and getting caught up in the middle.
As you try to be the best husband you can be, please don’t forget for one second to be the best father you can be, first and foremost.
Best of luck.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (07:36am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:09am)
Try and work through this? He married an a grade arsehole who has only just revealed herself for what she really is. Now she’s just trying to keep control of her babysitter and hold on to her assets while having everything her way. The OP deserves much much more. He should kick the bitch to the kerb with both boots. Just sayin’.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (12:47pm)
Spot on Sarah! Instead of focussing on themselves, why don’t peaople focus on the innocent vctims - the kids! How can you let them go through the anguish that THEY go through when parents split. It just rips them apart.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:08pm)
I think the OP is going to have to man up on this one and cut her off. He has to face it that he will never truly trust her again. If she ends up coming around and going back to the OP; I think that would be the only way you could really try and get back with her. At the moment, the situation is out of your control. You’ll have to get back that control, by controlling your surroundings. Once you throw her out, she’ll try go to be with *thomas, his partner will find out and she will probably be stuck in the middle. Its only then she’ll make up her mind. In the mean time, you should probably get yourself screened for an std, who knows what you could have caught from that guy.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (02:04pm)
Hopefully, you can get custody. Keep this in mind as the truth of the matter is that this relationship is over.
From what you’ve said, I find it hard to believe that this is the first incident. She has simply gotten away with it for so long that she became careless.
You’ve got to know a few things:
1) You will never be able to trust her again. Even if you want to. With no trust, there can be no love.
2) This “Thomas” may be an asshat, but he is not really your concern. He’s cheating on his girlfriend, you’re wife is cheating on her family. Leave him be, he’ll get his in the end.
3) Your children need you. At 14 and 11 they can understand what is happening. They need to know, otherwise it simply seems like you have rejected your wife, not the other way around. Discuss it with them as adults, do not pass judgement on your wife, as she is still their mother.
4) I cannot see anywhere in this work that shows true regret. It will happen again, and continue happening as long as she feels she can get away with it.
Best of luck, I hope you get the kids.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (03:50pm)
i really cant see this working out with your wife OP, her “reason” sound selfish and she found a way to bring it back on you and make you feel guilty for finding out, by saying she was doing it for you is just her way of tring to cover up the fact that she betrayed you, if she had no energy when it was just the 2 of you, why does she have the energy to screw someone else, trust is the vital part in any relation ship, you trusted her for over 20 of them, you have to ask yourself if you can trust her for 20 more?
but i agree you have to protect the childen, you need to let them understand that you love their mother, but SHE did something bad, you dont have to tell them what if you dont want to, but if your family does fall apart, you dont want to loose them if they dont understand what really happened, and they are old enough to know....
Good Luck OP
Tue 15 Mar 11 (02:56am)
Sorry mate, but the wife has already packed her bags emotionally and mentally. She is 2 steps ahead of you - note how she tried to put the “reasons” (read: blame) for the affair on you? As a fit attractive personal trainer for the last 7 years, she’s probably been carrying on with someone for a large portion of that - most women (and most weak men) can’t help themselves in that situation. If I were you I’d play the patient game - keep a nice guy face while hiding all the assets. I’d get a DNA test on your kids too, just to be sure. All going well, in a month you can drop a bombshell on Thomas and his GF when they’re at some sort of public function - hopefully a work one so you can socially knife your wife too. Then you turn around and tell her you shagged her best friend.
However, whatever happens, if you love your kids (and they’re actually yours) don’t forget to tell them that and don’t treat them like idiots when it all blows up.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (07:51am)
World Prophet - Poor kiddies have to deal with their parents splitting up. Kids would be much happier in a stress and tension free home. They can see and feel when there’s something going on with their parents and it’s stressful. They’ll be better of with their parents seperated but happy.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (09:06am)
I couldn’t disagree with you (or Bossy) more. Let me break it down.
Before this year, their sex sucked, their marriage was in a rut, and their attempts to talk about it only made things worse. Since the affair started, everyone’s life got better: she had a boyfriend on the side, and she brought her new happiness there home to her marriage as well.
The ONLY thing that’s gone wrong is he found out and flipped out about it.
Now, it would have been better if she could have been honest about getting some somewhere else as well, but she obviously knew her husband well enough to know that he’d take it badly (she was right!) and so, to keep the everything’s-better-for-everyone vibe going, she lied about it.
How long would the marriage have lasted if they’d stayed in their rut? Just until she thought the kids would cope with a split-up? She wants to keep both relationships going because THAT’S WHAT IS MAKING EVERYONE SO HAPPY. The husband’s attitude (I’d rather be monogamous, miserable, and heading for a divorce than open and happy) is so backwards, and I was really hoping Bossy would point that out, but she seems to have slipped up there. Oh well, hopefully he’ll read my comment and get it.
LOTS of people have relationships like this. It’s not unusual. It’s just that nobody talks about it, so people think it’s icky or bad or something and react like it’s such a terrible thing when it happens to them.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (10:01am)
It’s just that what I get from the email is he has to make a choice - try to be ok with it, or go back to an unhappy situation (which will probably turn worse, if I read it right).
I think that it would be better advice to him to try to see the situation as something that CAN be okay, because he doesn’t seem to have considered that as even an option. I don’t see any other good outcome.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (10:23am)
RU - it’s not ‘open’ at all. There hasn’t been any discussion of him having some on the side also. I wonder how the wife would feel if he did?
The fact that SHE is angry that he found out - plus her ludicrous claim that it was all ‘for us’ is beyond belief.
The wife is a A1 BITCH and needs to be cut down a peg or four. You can’t expect a man to suddenly dissolve his spine and tolerate such shit.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (11:45am)
Wait, this is a better way to put it.
Things were not going well for them before this year. Then things got a lot better, then he found out why they got better, and it made everything worse again.
I think it’s naive to think that just insisting everything go back to how it was before this year will somehow fix things. Things were already broken - he’d just be going back to there, only you’ve added distrust (on his part - for the lying) and resentment (on her part - for checking on her all the time and ending what was making her happy).
He said that he wanted a way to keep her. The only way I see that is if he can come to terms with what she wants, and I get that that’s a very difficult thing for him to do, but there’s this knee-jerk reaction to a spouse wanting to see someone else. People feel like they’ve failed, and this never happens to anyone. He HASN’T failed. Heaven only knows, we’ve seen in the media that the most incredible, attractive, everything-going-for-them people get cheated on.
He needs to work out whether his anguish is because he feels like he’s failed, and he can come to terms with this, or he’s adamantly, irreversibly opposed to the situation himself, ignoring things like ‘what will the neighbours think?’. If the former, I see a shot at hanging onto what he has. If the latter, I think he’s better letting go of her than insisting they spend another few years making each other miserable.
Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s just what I’m taking from the letter. It would all be different if they’d been happy before this, but they weren’t.
The problem is the OPs is not ok with it RU. And you cant just flick a switch to make it ok. A lot of people do have relationships like this and its not ‘icky or bad”, but it’s not going to work if one person is just doing it to hold onto their partner while crying their eyes out inside.
Kate de Brito
Tue 15 Mar 11 (09:25am)
Oh man I feel for you, I truly hope this never happens to myself. I get it, your willing to forgive her but the question remains, can you trust her?
Is she willing to let it go, see a therapist, work towards resolving your issue, or she so fixated on herself that she doesn’t care? These are questions you must ask, and questions you need answers to. Its easy for me to say, have a threesome, leave her or something stupid along those lines, but this is your life and your emotions.
Some time off work may help, but you must tackle this situation head on and not pussy foot around. You need to be strong and somewhat forceful on the decisions you make, but ultimately if she is not willing to go forward with you then its not worth the effort in my opinion. I have a mate whose wife cheated on him many years ago, he forgave her, had another kid and a few years later done the same thing again, this is the issue with taking her back, the fact “trust” is gone is the most difficult aspect to overcome,, albeit they never saw a counsellor, this does not mean it would happen to you.
Many couples realise their mistakes and actively patch up relationships after an affair, its all about how committed you both are in putting behind you and moving on.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (07:41am)
Is it any wonder? How boring is this letter. Can’t you get your point across succinctly? If you carry on like this in the bedroom she’d be asleep before you even got to half bar.
It’s pretty easy to read between the lines, you have 2 options.
1. Divorce (i suggest this one, damage is done, to you and your children)
2. Get really fit, obviously you have slackened up if someone 8 years older then you is fitter and more exciting in the sack.
DO NOT have a threesome, you don’t need meat and potatoes flopping out over your leg.
Sincerely,
Mon 14 Mar 11 (07:41am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:10am)
haha I agree, You come across to me from the letter as the most boring lack luster man I’ve ever read about.
And you deserve everything you get if your going to sit by and let her screw around behind your back. There’s no doubt she is a #1 bitch, but you’re allowing her to do what she’s doing.
I would have packed her bags up and shown her the door.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:44am)
Love the meat and potatoes line!
Gotta wonder what position that would be though…
Mon 14 Mar 11 (11:51am)
or......go to another personal trainer, get super fit and then go nail some awesome younger hottie from your bitch wife’s gym and see how she likes it!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (12:20pm)
Semiotic,
I would assume seeing as it’s both guys wanting the woman that it would be DA/DV
Sincerely,
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:01pm)
Didn’t you vow to leave this blog Dr?
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:08pm)
So often we complain that the OP hasn’t given us enough information. This guy did, and you complain that he can’t make his point succinctly? Can they ever win?
Mon 14 Mar 11 (03:04pm)
Jessie,
I will leave two ways,
1. I get bored of responding to OP’s and tit for tat responders like you.
2. Bossy Blocks me.
I don’t see either happening anytime soon,
Sincerely,
Mon 14 Mar 11 (03:05pm)
You guys are horrible, you might find the letter boring but i take it you are men and single and if not your wives are probably shagging someone else, i certainly would be.
Don’t listen to these nobs mate, they probably drink rum and coke out of a can watch league and think they are gods gift to women ohhhh and have no idea how to please a women or know the difference between a real orgasm and a fake one, but then again it would be difficult to distinguish between the real and fake when you have never been able to give a woman a real one.
The meat and potatoes comment show just how pathetic and immature these individuals are, although then again they could be 15 which would clear up a lot.
Anyway i am sure that is enough to send their little minds spinning lets wait and see what witty comments they come up with now. But at least you know if you do end up single morons like this will be no threat. As a woman i wouldn’t give my number to them, i most likely wouldn’t be in the same establishment ohhh and Dr Zero (inches) it might make you feel better to think of me as a massive fatty with buck teeth and no man - but you’d be WRONG!!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (03:20pm)
Dropkick, 2 blokes wanting the same chick doesn’t have to be D(double)A or D(double)V. They can have one slot each!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (04:04pm)
Kim,
I’m a woman and yes i found the letter very boring as previously stated.
How can you feel sorry for someone who allows others to treat them this way?
She has shut up shop, has told him she is still sleeping with the PT, and he is allowing this behaviour. I might be a bitch but i can’t feel sorry for him while he goes along with it.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (04:04pm)
Hi Kim,
Actually I am in a loving and satisfying relationship. I never EVER climax until my partner is exhaustingly satisfied. I guess you could call me a work horse which is apt on many levels considering the feed back I have been given of my attributes. I also had a lovely weekend with said partner enjoying the marvels of nature and art. All of these events took place probably whilst you were sitting on your bum watching repeats of “St. Elmos Fire” and “Pretty in Pink” Your tissue box drained from the tears of bitterness you display towards affectionate, sensitive, intelligent, amusing, handsome, young and verile men like myself. And yes I do think you have a big bum and buckteeth Kim, I mean you created the imagery, at least you are honest about your bathroom mirror reflection.
Oh and by the way nob (sic.) is spelt K-N-O-B.
Sincerely,
Wow, way to pull on the heartstrings.
Your kids deserve a better household then what they are in now. Tell her straight up that she either goes or stays and if she is staying, she will need to surrender any privacy until you can trust her again.
Oh and as a side note, his girlfriend probably knows about your wife but isnt ready to admit it.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (07:56am)
Your wife is ‘angry’ at you because she has been fucking someone else and you have not raised your voice once?
I know you are in shock and you want to appear that you have your shit together and naturally you feel if you show your ugly side she will leave you, but let me tell you darling, you better start yelling and screaming and giving a shit because there is nothing more pityful that a weak man who is willing to cop this amount of shit.
Start yelling! Start getting angry.!You have every right to FFS!
You think being passive has gotten you anything so far? NO! All its done is enable this woman to take the right royal piss, and STILL you are taking it lying down..
Let yourself go, be honest with yourself. Unless you are fundamentalist mormon, or severly browbeaten, why would any sane human being want or have to share the object of their affection with another…
Mon 14 Mar 11 (07:57am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:20am)
Lexie, not all blokes take that path. Call me a wimp or whatever, but even when my wife and I go at it hammer and tong, I don’t raise my voice, nor raise a hand against her. Why ? Given the number of single-parent families here on the Coast, my daughter runs in in tears to us, whenever an argument looks at getting loud and heated, terrified we’re going to split up. She becomes devastated.
Worse, I saw my father beat my mother as a child growing up, and whenever my wife angers me to a point I want to go wild, those images come to the fore-front of my mind, and a vow to not abuse a woman - either physically or mentally - comes rushing to the forefront of my thoughts. It’s a line I don’t cross...as once crossed, I fear the flood-gates will open. I pride myself in being a better person than my father.
So I can understand his predicament - he may think similar to me. He does need to ask her to leave, with minimum of fuss, given the emotional impact that it will have on the kids and what she’s done. She’s done it once. She won’t stop. He can’t stay tied to the current situation. He didn’t cross the line. She did.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:52am)
His wife is angry cause she got busted with someone else’s salami in her sandwich.
She is attempting to defend her use of additional fillings and condiments by stating that she needs additional flavour in her marriage…
Kinda simple when you look at it like that
Mon 14 Mar 11 (11:05am)
Spot on!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (12:01pm)
Blackadder, I understand your pain. I did not mean to sound so flippant to the OP. What I was saying is that this woman is walking all over him because he is too damn polite.
If he feels passionate about this, then show passion. If he is angry then get angry.
I am certainly not saying he should put on a display in front of his children. Absolutely not.
There is nothing sexy about being polite.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:18pm)
Yeah, Raising your voice is generally ccompletely unnecesary,
Explaining to a child that they have let you down is way more emotional punishment than any physical punishment you can dish out.
Yelling,screaming being irate gets you nowhere fast.
The adult approach is to discuss the problem, see the pro’s con’s and what both want in life and working out how if possible to go ahead.
Not Rocket surgery.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:20pm)
I think Lexie is close to the mark. Show some passion, show some fire. Show her that you’re fighting for her or show her the door at least. Maybe its the passion that will breathe life into the realtionship again.
Show some spine, set an example for your kids, show them its not okay to be a pushover. Fast forward twenty years from now and one of your kids comes to you telling you that their spouse is having an affair - what would you say? “Hang in there”? “Its okay to have sloppy seconds”? You’d want what was best for your kids and your grandchildren. Is having to play second fiddle best for you and your children?
Be assertive but not agressive. Tell her its you and the family, or the other guy. If it’s the later, kick her out.
Don’t be fooled by her telling you she’s doing it for you. If you believe that I have this Thursday night’s winning powerball numbers which I’ll sell to you for $5m upfront - must be purchased before Thursday and there are no refunds.
Seriously though, take a deep breath, square your shoulders and get ready to fight (metaphorically speaking). Its you and the kids, or himbo and the door.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (02:58pm)
While I agree to a point Lexie I think Blackadder has a very good point too, and I concur totally with his summation.
My partner’s ex did something similar to OP’s wife; they had been together 18yrs and had 2 teenage kids. He didnt lose the plot with her or anything, but did try to talk her around. He later realised however that he had put up with her lies and excuses too long, which meant that by the time she did move out it had affected the (teenage) kids way more than he would have liked. BTW the kids stayed with dad because clearly mum wasnt putting them first.
And later on he realised that she had done him a huge favour in setting him free, because he is happier than he had been in years - now he has me
OP first and foremost your wife is deflecting the real grossness of the situ by trying to make it about you when its clearly about her: her dishonesty, her cheating, her selfishness. Even after 20yrs sometimes its better to let go the things that are broken beyond repair, to allow good things to fill the gap....
Imagine if you will what diseases she is potentially exposing you to if she’s banging Thomas and Thomas is banging his gf (++) and potentially the gf has other options on the go too....
At the end of the day it doesnt matter how much you love her: she is showing no love for you by behaving the way she is. Ultimatum time is nigh my friend, its you or him - and dont be too hurt if she picks him because you do deserve better than she is giving you.
Chin up old son, you sound lovely and there really will be a lovely single girl out there just waiting for you to be available so she can make you happier than you’ve ever been before......
Tue 15 Mar 11 (12:15pm)
Blackadder
if that is how you handle you situation that fine, but i would have to agree with Lexie here, it sound like the relationship lost passion a long time ago, and only came back when she was screwing some on else, Anger is a for of passion, and mybe if he shows he is angry with her she will relise he still has passion for her..... Lexie never said to beat the shit out of her, just to show her he is angry at what SHE did.... because if you were whay he wrote, he is not angry at her… he is angry at himself for finding out, he is blaming himself for her affair.... thats not healthy for him or his kids.
The spark has long gone from your marriage and your wife is not interested in you sexually at all. You have a best friend relationship and a housemate relationship and a co-parent relationship but you do not have an intimate relationship.
Your marriage is effectively over at this stage. You and your wife have grown apart (no blame) and it is time for you to decide if it is worth saving. I’m not sure how shagging another bloke is supoposed to make your wife want you more (unless it is pure guilt sex which seems likely).
You need to sit down with your wife and ask her what she needs. You also need to explain your needs. Maybe both prepare lists beforehand and swap them, read and then discuss.
This is not a blaming exercise, and care should be taken to avoid recriminations. You need to understand what she needs and if you can even provide it.
Then you can begin to work out your moves. Good luck.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:03am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:57pm)
Like!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (02:29pm)
What I find interesting is that he says that his wife’s interest in sex with him HAS increased, or at least her willingness. I don’t pretend to understand it, but I’ve heard swingers say how their extra-curricluar activities bring their marriages closer together, so it’s not completely out of the realms of possibility that somehow she’s telling the truth.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (04:08pm)
Maybe no blmae for the grown apart bit but there is NEVER an excuse not to end the first relationshp before starting another. Cheating is never justifiable.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (08:21am)
Yes, Crooked, it’s way out of the realms of possibilty. With swingers you usually find that both parties are happy to have the open marriage which is why it brings them closer together. Doesn’t work when one person wants to be monogamous and the other just wants exciting sex with some man-meat.
I’ve heard that in a ‘normal’ monogamous marriage when the guy cheats he tends to want less sex/no sex from his wife because he is getting it elsewhere. Whereas if the woman cheats then she will be much more interested in having sex with her husband because her fire has been stoked, so to speak.
I understand what you are going through and im sorry for the pain, you need to take a step back and think about this. She cheated on you and put you at risk of std, spent time away from her family seeing this guy so she could have better sex with you 1-2 times a week? Dont fall for it she is a cake eater & is stuck in the affair fog, you want to know what to do? BE A MAN!! Act very strong (dont beg her to stop) and pull the rug out from under her, i suggest you tell her she can keep her affair going as you will begin filing for divorce and seperating the finances\assets, she needs to realise that her choices will break up her family by basically throwing a cold bucket of water on her and see what her reaction is. End of the day her betrayal will never leave you so how you handle the situation now is very important for your health & your kids.....dont settle for 2nd best if she is not willing to open up herself to complete transparency she is probably secretly going to conitinue with this....finaly the last thing you have to think about for your own sanity, everytime she says she is going to meet “anna” you will be stewing over WHO she will actually be seeing. :( so sad she would do this to her family
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:05am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (10:24am)
100% agree with you Garts. Even though she is a personal trainer, she wants the cake and eat it too (pardon the pun!). Take away the cake and give her a Ryvita I say!!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:11pm)
Spot on Garts, very well said. Good luck at states!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (01:18pm)
Spot on advice!
Oh mate. I so feel your pain. I’ve been there too - the sudden interest in huge amounts of sex after a period of not much, the lingerie, the furtive text messages, carrying her phone to bed and the toilet, everything exactly as you described. I caught her out and she denied it - I knew she was lying and it took ages before she finally came clean. We split up. But I really wanted to make our marriage work so I took her back.
But knowing what she’d done killed our marriage. I could never trust her again, I thought constantly about what she did, found more and more reasons to pick at her for anything and in the end had an affair myself, which ended our marriage. But guess who’s the bad guy huh? Me.
From what you’ve written I don’t think you can save this. She has all the power in the relationship, you are scratching to hold on. It is a terrible thing to happen but I think you should start preparing for separation. Maybe in a few months after she’s had her fun she’ll want to reconcile, but if you can get used to the thought of going back to where another man has been (and not lose the plot like I did) you’re a better man than me.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:13am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:36am)
Aw Baz it sucks that your missus would do the dirty and then blame your dirty for it all going pear-shaped. Cheating is not acceptable. I’m of the belief that once your partner’s cheated it’s almost impossible to recover the trust and love. I don’t even know why people try to “work through it”. So much trouble, heartache and blame when really your relationship is unlikely to ever be the same as it used to be or better. You’re just settling (or at least I would feel like that. Maybe there are better people than me who can truly forgive and forget).
I personally think that anything less than telling her it’s over and chucking her out on her ear sends the message that what she’s done is somehow acceptable. The only rule in our marriage? You cheat and we’re over. No exceptions and it goes both ways.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (03:35pm)
Baz? That’s the best fake name you can come up with? I know how you write.
One of us has to be the adult and it sure as shit doesn’t appear to be you.
Tue 15 Mar 11 (03:29am)
I`d do this. Through all her clothes and crap out of the house while the kids are at school. Ring her and tell her she had better come pick her stuff up. Change the locks etc etc.
Then pick the kids up from school, drive them somewhere quiet and calmly explain that you and your wife are having some problems right now and mum might be living at her parents for a while. Tell them that they`ve done nothing wrong and you both love them very much.
Balls in her court then.
Wow...what a story...it sounds like you’ve gone about it all the right way so far. My advice right now would be to make sure she knows it’s not ok to keep having the affair, that you make sure she knows you don’t believe for one second that she had/is having the affair to try and better your marriage/sex life (you’re not an idiot!) and that while you do love her you will not wait around forever for her to make a decision. The best thing for you to do is take control of the situation as best as you can rather than let her call the shots. You do not need to be submissive to her desires here. She’s the one that’s done the wrong thing, not you. You have the power here. Don’t go crazy with it or anything, but you need to show her that you won’t be pushed around. Even throw it out that on how she would feel in your position. Don’t use it as a threat- don’t make it out that you wish you could, but simply ask her to see it from you perspective.
All the best OP- and huge congrats on wanting to make it work rather than go for the easy option of divorce. I hope it works out for you…
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:18am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:51am)
anna, divorce is not ‘the easy option’, or it wasn’t for me anyway. For your sake I hope you never have to experience it.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (10:25am)
Are you ‘the’ Anna? Lol
Mon 14 Mar 11 (12:36pm)
Sorry- poor choice of phrases. Easier option would have been more appropriate. (Yes, I have been through a divorce. Yes, was easier, and better for my child, than staying).
No Kelly, thankfully not ‘the’ anna!
Gosh your wife sounds like she really loves you. I get that you dont want to throw away a 20 yr marriage but this woman is walking all over you with no consideration for how you feel. She is also going to break the hearts of your children when they find out, and they will find out. My husband was once engaged to a girl twice during an 8 yr relationship. During that time she cheated on him 3 times. After the 3rd time he decided enough is enough and he ended the relationship. Good decision on his part because she ended up with incurable STD that she got from screwing around the last time. A couple of months later he met me. (Yes Im the rebound girl), a couple of years later we bought a house together, got married and had a baby. We have been together 5 years now. During that time I have never cheated on him, or even contemplated it. I love him very much and I want to shag him regularly. Im telling you all this not because the public want to read about my life but because I believe this is what you deserve. You deserve to be desired, you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be appreciated, you deserve faithfulness and you deserve regular sex. In deceptively continuing this affair your wife is telling you how much you really mean to her. How much are you willing to allow yourself and your kids to be hurt before you go in search of some peace?
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:20am)
I feel really sorry for you and I am saddened by your story.
I think it is very easy to say “just dump the bitch!” but love doesn’t just disappear even when the person has been truly shitty (and she has been).
She is incredibly selfish and she needs to wake up to herself...I don’t know how you can go about making her realise this, but she might when she wakes up one day and realises she doesn’t know her children anymore, and the lover will have moved onto someone else if he hasn’t already.
I guarantee she hates herself, OP. Try and get her to attend counselling with you.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:22am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:14am)
You guarantee she hates herself.. REALLY?
We must have read different letters i think.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (06:33pm)
Mifo many people (I’m sure there must be men that do this too) are capable of lying to themelves, and believing their own lies for decades. I have witnessed this.
OP I think the marriage is over. It would be different if the wife appeared to be affected by the thought of losing you but it sounds like she’s more interested in making her betrayal look like your fault. Don’t shy away from this, she will get a lawyer and clean you out but it’s already in the post, best to do it now.
Don’t be afraid to be alone, you will find you are better company for yourself than you thought and you will probably find you have more friends than you realised.
Now there is the sort of woman that ruins it for the decent ones of us. That marriage will end, because thats exactly want she wants and that poor man will be bruised and damaged for life.
What the hell sort of woman would ask if she can continue the affair?? She has a heart of stone and no amount of counselling will ‘fix’ anything. She is treating you like a retard OP, toughen up and show her the door. IMHO there is no hope for this marriage.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:23am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:55am)
You know Daintree that was pretty much what I was about to say. OP I am so very sorry for you but you need to lawyer up NOW and kick this selfish bitch to the kerb. Then find a woman who will love and respect both you and the relationship (we do exist!). Good luck and let us know how this works out.
OP,
Amazing how the idiots believe in love…
I knew women could be dumb, but I didn’t know men could be this dumb.
I suspect your wife has been having an affair for years, especially since you went years having sex just once per annum - that’s a sign of cheating.
The sexy lingerie is a giveaway too - one of my mates busted his wife’s affair because she had a brazillian.
The howler, the thing that really made me laugh was her excuse for the affair. She was fu*king someone else to help your relationship. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard for a long time, I mean seriously, and you’re a total idiot for clinging to that.
OP, it’s time to get mean, plum mad-dog mean.
Kick your skank out. No one should ever put up with an affair, yet so many dumb, insecure hopeless people do.
If it was my wife, I would’ve sacked her years ago for the lack of sex. Now you’ve got ample reason.
She lied. She played starfish in another ocean. It’s probably not the first time. She busted your heart. She’s ruined her family. She is a horrid wench without morality.
Don’t try counselling - it won’t work. From this day on, everytime you look at the strumpet you will be thinking of the affair.
That’s no way to live.
OP - women and children can be stupid, not men.
Now, go and find someone hotter and younger than your wife for revenge sex.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:23am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (10:50am)
Yep I agree,
Get angry, destroy all her possessions and then kick her out of the house.
If Jersey Shore has taught me anything (and it has), it’s that nothing shows a woman that you love her better than wrecking all her stuff. She’ll eventually try to come back but you’ll be too busy picking up young chicks who are DTF.
Mate, I really feel for you.
I could start on a diatribe about how selfish women are sometimes, but that isn’t going to help.
Do you think you could share your wife with another man? I know damn well I couldn’t, but love makes us do funny things.
Your letter is one of the saddest I remember on this blog, and you have a problem that gets to us all, I only wish that I could be more help.
Best wishes to you and yours (yes, including your wife, she’s suffering too), and I hope you can come to a resolution to this problem that doesn’t hurt your family.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:27am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:15am)
Best wishes to the wife?
I now know that you have no spine Shane.
What a pussy,
Sincerely,
Mon 14 Mar 11 (11:14am)
You sound surprised Kate!
Tue 15 Mar 11 (11:04am)
Dropkick, never was a person more aptly named.
For a start, you don’t know what went on between this nam and woman, you don’t know the reqasons why she is playing up, you are making all of your judgements based on a few statements by a man in pain, and god knows, that humans in pain tend to present a version of events that doesn’t always resemble the truth. You also don’t want to consider the emotional pain that the wife is suffering and the guilt she would be feeling. I’m not condoning her actions, playing up is despicable, but that doesn’t mean that the person should be treated like an animal.
Next, you and your hater mates are very quick to tell the OP to kick her arse to the kerb, and remove her from the lives of the children. I’m here to tell you that the absolute worst thing anyone could do to the kids is treat their mother like shit.
In the absence of a loving mother and father scenario, the best thing for the kids is to have both parents happy and available to the children.
I suspect you have a few ‘roos loose in the top paddock if you don’t understand this.
So if it takes being a spineless pussy to understand the effects on fellow humans, all I can say is I’m bloody proud to be a spineless pussy if it means that I treat human beings with dignity and respect.
I love it when you show you care, Shane
Not at all Shane. You’ve always had a heart of gold
Kate de Brito
Mon 14 Mar 11 (02:53pm)
Everything she has told you is an excuse. She wants to have hot sex with this man and its nothing to do with sparking up your relationship at all.
And now she says you won’t get to have sex with because she’s shut down? Well, what the hell kind of option is that for you??
You are in a hell that I would not wish on anyone. Sadly, I think your relationship is over - she wants the new man. She is in lust, not thinking rationally and is cock struck. Start preparing your kids for a separation.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:30am)
I honestly feel for you OP. I was where you are now 3 years ago but have stared into the abyss and come out the other side. I too had two kids and 13 years of marriage to a cheating wife.
The reality is your marriage is over. Your wife has disrespected you and thumbed her nose at the vows she made. You will never be in a partnership of equals with her again. You will always be the poor sap she duped. She is keeping you around now because whilst she has no attraction for you she still enjoys your money and it’s easier than explaining to her kids she is a whore....
You are wondering if there is any way this mess can be salvaged. There isn’t - you need to work on salvaging yourself and your relationship with your kids. That is all you can salvage from this.
Organise your belongings and move out. Get a solicitor to help organise some parenting orders such that your contact with your kids is protected. File the paperwork for divorce. Get to your GP and ask them to get you in to see a mental health professional. You are going to go through some extreme mental anguish yet.
Explain to your kids exactly the facts why you have left but do not recriminate or deride your wife. Let them do that ... if they choose to .. if you do it you are attacking their mother - which they won’t appreciate.
You must understand you are currently without perspective. You are 2 weeks in to a nightmare that will last for at least the next 6-12 months best case. After this time your perspective will gradually start to return to you.
The truth is long term marriage emasculates males. History and literature is filled with thousands of examples of this. This is just how it is. If you can remember back to the time before you were married when you were in full possession of your testicles you know that you would have not tolerated this sort of behaviour from a girlfriend.
Right now you are at your weakest… in 4-6 months you will be at your lowest ... but trust me if you persevere through that and maintain your dignity, you will come out the other side at your strongest - tempered by the adversity and more knowledgeable from the experience.
Just remember a divorce doesn’t stop you from being a dad - and hopefully a dad your kids can respect..
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:34am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (10:57am)
F@ck that, why should he move out?
He should tell the kids that their mum is a lying whore and chuck all her stuff out the front door.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (11:15am)
and while your at your GP get yourself tested for STDs - she hasn’t shown much respect for you as a person so she’s probably had even less respect for your physical wellbeing
best of luck
Mon 14 Mar 11 (11:49am)
I agree Tim and I am a female, I suggest contact the police, when my parents seprated (dad was an alcoholic) she chucked his stuff out and the police said because he had somewhere else he could go he had no right to re-entry (might of helped that she owned the house). I say kick her out also
Mon 14 Mar 11 (02:42pm)
@ Tim
Because Tim ...any form of direct attack on or confrontation with the mother will be construed by the kids as an indirect attack on them - they are after all 1/2 dad and 1/2 mum…
If OP wants to keep a good relationship with his kids he should not get into a slanging match with the trollop, or bad mouth her in front of them - no matter what kind of a lying whore she is..
Tue 15 Mar 11 (03:49am)
This is very true. It is a very difficult long term struggle to retain your balls in the face of constant subtle attempts to change your behaviour in a long term relationship.
Its programmed into women to change men`s behaviour to something more suitable. Then its programmed for them to lose attraction to the man as he is no longer the man that they fell for. Such is one of the greatest contradictions in life.
Why would you ever change someone from something that you are attracted to, to something that you aren`t?
Dude, right there, between your legs… Use ‘em!
She’s right where she wants to be man. Enjoying a fun filled life, with excitement, mystery and, fully funded by you! - sucker!
She’s not going to change, it’s just too much fun for her.
You’ve gotta man up. It’s the only way to get back onto stable ground and make a future for you and your children.
Stay, and it’ll eventually end… when They split, you’ll be left feeling the pain *AND* your sex life will drop further than it was before.
And you would’ve lost the last bit of respect your wife might’ve had for your and your manhood by not doing anything about it.
Kick her out on her backside, lets see how torrid their relationship is when they’ve gotta deal with the everyday & not just the fantasy!
There’s a nicer girl out there, just waiting for you to get your head back on!
Quite your jibber-jaber - Get some nuts - fool!
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:38am)
Mon 14 Mar 11 (09:29am)
YEAH! Awesome comment Ray!!
Tue 15 Mar 11 (10:21am)
At the risk of ruining a good rant....
Shouldn’t that be
Quit your jibber-jabber! ??
And if not, how does one quite a jibberred jab?
Jesus your wife sounds very self-centred. I echo what Bossy says. I don’t think she’s telling you the full story and I think her claim that she had an affair for the sake of your marriage is bull. I wonder how she’d feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
My only advice to you is; Don’t compromise yourself and your beliefs for anyone else...not even your wife. If you want a monogamous, faithful marriage and she doesn’t then it sounds like you might be better off without her. I know how much pain you’re in and how much it will hurt to go separate ways - my ex did this same thing to me. The reality is that the woman you love isn’t the woman she really is. You sound like a nice guy and I hope it will work out for you one way or another.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:41am)
As someone who has been through something similar recently. I can guarantee, I know what you are going through. My Fiancé and partner of 6 years recently admitted to having an affair with an older co-worker. A considerably older co-worker.
I was naturally shattered, however the difference between my situation and yours is that my partner was extremely remorseful (or at least acted remorseful) and has since ceased all communication with the other woman and continues to see a personal counsellor and a couple’s counsellor. He discovered that his affair was a self-destruction act brought on my huge amounts of stress and fatigue.
We are trying to work things out and it can be done. I am only with him now because I do love him so much. I sympathise with you so much, because the love you feel for your partner, and even the fear of living life without them feels so much stronger than the will to leave them.
You won’t be able to recover from this without her support. If she continues to be angry with you for discovering her affair it’s a clear sign that her affair will continue and she will continue to blame you for her actions. She needs to realise she has done the wrong thing and begin to support you in your recovery to trust her again, or you need to tell her to get out. You can find other people to help support you through this. The thoughts that will run through your head will be absolutely harrowing and depressing, maybe even suicidal. You shouldn’t have to do this alone. If she won’t support you – tell her to get out and gather your friends and family around you instead.
Mon 14 Mar 11 (08:47am)