Anna Nicole Smith

["Dear Alex" is a new BWE.tv feature wherein I will offer my expert advice on how to become a better celebrity.]

Dear Alex,

I’m a famous person whose every move is photographed and printed in tabloid magazines. Should I date one of the paparazzi guys who follow me around?

–Poppy McStarlet, Hollywood

Dear Poppy,

As we’ve seen in countless rom-coms and TV reality shows, true love can be found in the unlikeliest of places, so while a relationship between a celebrity and someone whose sole existence revolves around systematically stalking them for money is highly illogical, it is by no means impossible. As is the case with most things in life, the answer to your query can be found in a careful inventory of the pros and cons associated with the endeavor you’re proposing, and what better way to assess the risks and rewards that come along with a celebrity-paparazzo romance than two very recent instances of this Hollywood line-blurring?

Anna Nicole Smith was a blonde bombshell with billions of dollars and personal problems to spare. Larry Birkhead was a probably gay failed actor so desperate to be famous that he earned a living following around and photographing people who were. On the surface, it would appear that Birkhead was only interested in Anna Nicole for her money and fame, but consider the positive changes he made in her life. He gave her a child, really very extremely publicly fought to establish his claim of fathering that child, and is now selling staged photos of said child in order to ensure its financial future if he doesn’t blow all the money first. And following Anna Nicole’s untimely passing, he’s firmly established himself as the Official Anna Nicole Spokesperson for any and all (no matter how small) press requests that might arise. All in all, I’d say a pretty positive influence.

Then there’s the case of Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib. Britney, needing no introduction, was pretty much at the nadir of her celebrity existence when she began her mysterious romance with Adnan, one of the increasingly shameless paparazzi who have been following Brit night and day for the past two years. With Britney so clearly having the most public nervous breakdown in history, the casual TMZ observer would probably wager a guess that Ghalib was cynically exploiting her deteriorating mental condition to financially profit from her tragic downfall. Or then again, maybe he was a Paparazzi Knight In Shining Flash Bulb Armor come to save this damsel from the distress of Evil Celebrity Blood-Sucking Overlord Sam Lufti by taking the exclusivest exclusive photos of Britney in only her most flattering moments. From Britney’s standpoint, his constant stalking kept him conveniently close at hand, and if you can’t beat ‘em, why not f*ck ‘em? Or maybe Adnan was a willing pawn in Lufti’s so-insane-it-could- only-be-true masterplan to turn a young woman into the biggest, saddest carnival freakshow the world has ever known. This one’s a pretty a tough call.

Anywhoozers, back to the question at hand – should you, a famous person, get into a romantic relationship with a paparazzi photog? Now I’m no Dr. Phil or anything, so I don’t know how important my opinion is, but my answer would have to be, in a word, no. No, you should not.

Keep being the best celebs you can be, guys!

Until next time,
Alex Blagg