Suspicious wife wants to hire gumshoe

Dear Amy: After 12 years, I have realized my husband is a narcissist — true to the psychological definition. I have been to therapy (he won't go) and it is through therapy that I have realized this.

I am far from perfect, but I am not the horrible person he makes me out to be. I have very close and healthy relationships with friends and family.

He values the people who work for him (he is a very successful businessman) and that is about it.

My husband has no interest in me sexually; he's always "exhausted" even though he is very physically fit and energetic all day.

My therapist asked if it was possible that my husband was having an affair, and I surprised myself by saying, "Yes, I do think it's possible."

How do I go about finding out if he is cheating on me? I am not the spying kind. Should I hire a private investigator?

It all seems so seedy to me, and yet, I want to know the truth.

— Not the Spying Kind

Dear Not: You don't mention asking your husband outright if he is having an affair.

One hazard of therapy is the impulse to diagnose other people. And while it is fascinating to ponder your husband's psychological makeup, ultimately the most important questions to wrestle with in therapy are, "What about me? Who am I, and what do I want?"

Another question you need to answer for yourself is, "If my husband is having an affair, then what?" You also need to ponder what difference it will make if he is not having an affair.

If after considering these questions there are legal, practical or emotional reasons to dig deeper, and if you don't have the stomach to do the snooping yourself, then by all means, hire someone to do this for you.

A matrimonial lawyer will advise you on how to go forward and refer you to an investigator.

Dear Amy: I found out recently that a neighbor — someone we have known for years — has been walking a few houses down from his, around the corner, and getting into a car with another man for a few moments. Then the neighbor gets out and the car drives away.

This has been happening for a while, according to my kids, who are teenagers. Other neighborhood kids say, "It's his dealer." My kids say this car shows up in the neighborhood every week or so.

I don't want drug dealers in my neighborhood and I know others don't, either.

This father of five has been a jerk all of his adult life.

How can I (or how can we, the neighbors) get the dealer to close his store in our neighborhood?

— NIMBY

Dear NIMBY: If you (not your kids) see this car repeatedly idling in your neighborhood and it is obvious to you that the driver is selling drugs, then get the license number and give the police a call.

The police may ask you to notify them the next time the car is seen in the neighborhood.

Aside from the impact on your neighborhood, there is no need to explore, investigate or gossip about your neighbor's actions.

Dear Amy: "Distressed Diner" wrote to you about his reaction to a fellow patron, who had doused herself in perfume.

For me, and millions like me, I am not just offended by women who wear strong perfume, I am allergic to perfume. When I am exposed to it, I develop a sinus infection that requires me to go on antibiotics for 10 days.

And it's not just a problem with perfume wearers. It is almost impossible to buy sunscreen, dish soap or shampoo, to name a few, that does not have "fragrance" listed among the ingredients. It is estimated that 1 percent of the population has such an allergy.

This is not just a matter of style or taste, but an issue seriously affecting the health of millions of Americans.

— More Than Distressed

Dear More: I've heard from many readers who suffer from chemical sensitivity and urge others to use common "scents" and not douse themselves with fragrance.