Because of its history, the United States has a society with many different classes, groups, races and lifestyles. Within each of these groups, individual members are also quite different from one another. No one behaves exactly like anyone else. There are, however, several characteristics which most people have in common. Remember, these are general characteristics; many people you meet will not fit these patterns.

The following tips have been compiled from a variety of sources, including NAFSA conference materials, American Ways, A Guide for Foreigners in the U.S. (2003) and The Handbook of Foreign Student Advising (1995), both by Gary Althen.

"Small talk" includes topics, such as sports, weather, jobs, or past experiences. Most people do not talk about religion, politics, or personal feelings with strangers. Sex and bodily functions are not discussed. People do not usually talk about the personal lives of their conversation partners. This emotional distance does not mean people dislike you, but personal lives are discussed only with close friends and family.

There are few "ritualistic" exchanges in English, but you should know that "How are you?" and "How's it going?" are greetings, not questions about your life. "See you later," or "See you soon," are ways of saying good-bye, not appointments.

People in the US are curious. They will ask you a lot of questions. Some of their questions may appear ridiculous, uninformed and elementary, but try to be patient in answering them. You may be the first person from your country whom they have met, and they will have very little understanding of your life. Most people are sincerely interested in learning about you.

Many people believe in the "scientific method" of understanding the world, so they look for facts and evidence when you tell them something new. This may seem odd to students whose cultures emphasize feelings or emotions, but people are not rude if they say, "Show me" or "Prove it".

Loud conversations usually mean people are angry. Most conversations are moderate in volume with few gestures. Do not speak too loudly or too quietly, and keep your hands under control.

When you have communication difficulties, you may think it is because of spoken or written language. However, many mis-understandings happen because of non-verbal communication, or body language.

EYE CONTACT

During a conversation, the speaker looks briefly into the listener's eyes, briefly away, and then back at the listener's eyes. The listener should look at the speaker's eyes constantly. If you do not look into the eyes of your conversation partner, he will think you are not listening, or that you are not trustworthy.

TOUCHING

Touching people often makes them uncomfortable. Men are especially nervous when touched by another man. Women who are good friends may walk arm-in-arm, but only rarely.

SPACE

You do not have to touch people to make them nervous. People expect others to be at least an arm's length away from them. If you get closer than this, people will move away from you; they do not dislike you; you are "in their space."Also, you will hear people say, "Excuse me," although they have not actually touched anyone. No matter where you are, give people plenty of space.

Remember, these are generalizations. Some people will be uncomfortable if you do not touch them during a conversation. The hard part is figuring out who wants what.

INDIVIDUALISM

Most people in the US believe that the ideal person is independent and self-reliant, and most people think of themselves this way. People in the US do not think of themselves as representatives of their families, communities, or social class. Some international students see this attitude as "selfish". You can see examples of individualism in the classroom as well. Teachers expect students to be independent and individualistic, to work alone, and to produce original work.

EQUALITY

The Declaration of Independence states that "all men are created equal". In many ways people believe this; you can see equality in such common practices as "waiting in line". When you go to the bank, to the post office, or to immigration, you will be asked to take a number and wait. Regardless of how important or trivial your need is, you will be treated like everyone else; first come, first served. You can also see equality in the classroom. All students are the same in the eyes of professors, and many professors view students (particularly graduate students) as their equals. Professors may ask students to call them by their first names.

INFORMALITY

Although equality is ignored in some parts of life, it is followed closely in others. For example, people treat one another very informally, even in the presence of great differences in age or social status. This is not a "lack of respect," this is the custom in the United States.

PUNCTUALITY

Many people in the US are very punctual and organize their activities around schedules. Being late is rude. If you cannot be on time, tell the people who are waiting for you. For business appointments, you should arrive a few minutes early. For social appointments, you should arrive 10-15 minutes after the appointed time. It is not a good idea to arrive early for social invitations.

MATERIALISM

Success in the United States is often measured in dollars. Many people think about money and material possessions as much as time. As a result, you may think that people ignore more important things in life, like love and friendship. This is not true; like people in every country, most people in the US value friendship more than wealth.

COMMON MISJUDGEMENTS

Internationals often think that people in the United States are incapable of deep conversation or thought. Many people are able to think and talk deeply, they are just reluctant to do so with strangers.

People in the US often think that internationals who speak rarely or quietly are too shy, too formal, or just dumb.

Arguing may alarm some people. They expect violence or long-lasting anger to follow such encounters.

Many people are easily embarrassed by sex, religion, and politics, and may assume that those who mention such topics are rude.

SOME DIFFERENT CUSTOMS

People in the United States have no taboo associated with the left hand; they touch you or hand you objects with either the left or the right hand.

People in the US have no negative association with the soles of the feet or the bottom of the shoes.

A common way to greet children is to pat them on their heads.

People point with their index finger.

Respect for someone is shown by looking her in the face.

Relaxed postures, whether sitting or standing, are very common; do not think your listener is inattentive because she is relaxed.

People are uncomfortable with silence.

The doors of rooms are usually open unless there is a specific reason to close them.

Religion does not play the same role in the United States as in many countries. There is no government-supported religion or established church of state. The government is based on "separation of church and state," and people believe this. In general, people are quite private about their religious views. Do not talk about religion until you know someone better.

This does not mean that people are not religious, and that religion is not a political issue or an important part of people's lives. Most people in the United States believe in God, and the majority of people are Christians. Christianity is divided into Catholicism and Protestantism. Protestantism is also divided into many churches: Baptist, Methodist, Mormon, Christian Scientist, to name a few. Many believers reject evolution in favor of creation and some believe any form of birth control is a sin. You should be aware of different views when discussing religion. Christianity has many different faiths, and the United States has many different religions.

All major world religions are represented on campus. There are many Christian groups, and some represent a particular nationality. These organizations often have weekly Bible studies, English lessons, and other activities for their student members. For more information, check the Arizona Daily Wildcat for meetings.

Tucson has dozens of churches and places of worship: Protestant, Catholic, Islamic, and many other religions and denominations. Look in the yellow pages of the phone book under "Churches" for a list of all the religious organizations in Tucson.

Someone may telephone you or come to your house to talk about their religion with you. These people are salespersons for their beliefs. They often invite new international students to a "dinner" or "party" in order to tell the students about their beliefs. Your conversation partner may be part of a religious group on campus. However, most people are friendly and want to learn more about you and your country. If you are not interested in discussing religion with them, simply thank them for their time and excuse yourself. If they ignore your requests and continue to pressure you, you do not have to be polite.

HYGIENE

Television commercials for soap, perfume, cologne, deodorant, anti-perspirant, toothpaste, mouthwash, breath mints, etc., show people's obsession with smelling good. People consider bad breath and natural body odor offensive in the United States, and the topic of these odors is so offensive that most people will not tell another person he or she has bad breath or body odor. You do not have to cover yourself with perfumes and chew gum constantly; a shower each day, clean clothes, and good dental care is enough. The following essay makes fun of the American Nose.

THE GREAT AMERICAN NOSE

One of the strangest phenomena you will encounter in the United States is that of the Great American Nose. The American Nose may look like yours and mine, but in reality it's not. Something seems to have been left out of the American Nose. It is incapable of degrees of differentiation of odors. Whereas most of humanity is capable of smelling a wide range of odors, the American Nose can smell only two - good odors and bad odors, right odors and wrong odors. Of course, the American Nose prefers good odors and right odors. It is quite virtuous, therefore. It must have inherited all its genes directly from its Puritan ancestors.

After a careful study of the matter, I have come to the conclusion that there are only three good odors, and that all the rest are bad odors. The three good odors - artificial flowers, artificial lemons, and artificial spices - are used to mask all of the bad odors. Bad odors emanate from bathrooms, from garbage cans, from moldy things, and most of all, from human bodies. All natural odors are bad odors, as you can see, and there are hundreds of American products in the three good odors designed to mask all the bad ones.Wherever you find the Great American Nose, a hand holding a can to spray, a deodorant to roll on, an air freshener to stick up, or a cleaning solution to wipe on will not be far behind. Does the kitchen smell like cooking? Spray it with great amounts of artificial spice. Does the closet smell moldy? Fill it with odor of roses. Does a person smell sweaty? (Sin! Sin!) Roll on quantities of deodorant with scent of jasmine. Does the bathroom smell like a bathroom? Wipe everything down with scent of lemon cleaner.

Pity the poor American Nose. It is really very fragile. Yet this fragile appendage rules the American. Should the Nose detect bad odors, you will hear the American complaining loudly, and very shortly excusing itself from their presence.

You may think Americans are an independent lot, but they're not. They can't go anywhere without extra bathroom paper, disinfectant sprays and cleaners. I sometimes have the feeling that if the American civilization falls into decay, it will be because the American Nose could not tolerate the smell of it. It's remarkable to me that with such a handicap as the Great American Nose, Americans have survived this long. Leticia Lupinska

(Excerpted from 25 Strategies: Reading Skills for Intermediate-Advanced Students of English as a Second Language by Jacqueline Neufeld and Marion Webb.

SHAKING HANDS

Men usually shake right hands when they first meet. Men do not usually shake hands with a woman unless she offers her hand first. Shake hands the first time you meet someone, but not the second.

First impressions are important so you should learn to shake hands correctly. Right hands are clasped at waist level and arm's length. A firm squeeze occurs while the hands are raised slightly, then lowered and released. Do not squeeze too lightly or too strongly, and do not prolong the handshake by refusing to let go; that is social death in the US.

NAMES AND TITLES

Most people in the United States have three names: a given name, a middle name, and a last (family or surname) name. In conversation and in writing, the given name usually comes first. For example, "Hello, my name is Tom Cruise." Most official forms ask you to write your family name first, followed by a comma, then your first name: "Cruise, Tom." Read carefully before filling out any form so you fill it out correctly. A comma shows that the last name is written first.

People often use first names. Do not assume from the use of given names that there is no respect for status or age. There are many non-verbal habits that show respect. Young people generally talk less in the presence of their elders and are less assertive. Young people and people of lower status are less likely to use slang or profanity around their "superiors".

USE OF NAMES

• It is all right to use the first name of someone your same age and status, or someone younger. If you are unsure, you should ask if the person prefers to be called by his or her first name.
• A woman or man older than yourself is often addressed as Ms., Miss, Mrs., or Mr. until the individual requests that you use his or her first name or until you get to know the individual better.
• Men and women will be confused if you use Ms., Miss, Mrs., or Mr. with a first name, as is the custom in some countries. Ordinarily Ms., Miss, Mrs., or Mr. is used only with the family name.
• Some women in the US prefer Ms. (pronounced "Miz"). Ms. is used for both single or married women and replaces Miss and Mrs. You can use Ms. if you do not know if a woman is single or married.

MEETING PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES

Meeting people in the United States is not easy. Because of the problems mentioned previously, internationals sometimes stick together and avoid contact with people who live here. The best way to learn more about the United States is to meet and talk to new people.

There are countless opportunities to meet people in Tucson. On campus, there are dozens of student organizations. Find a club that shares your interests or hobbies. Attend the meetings. Remember shared interests are a way to meet people and to see them more than once. Check the Arizona Daily Wildcat for each day's meetings.

At CESL get involved in working on the Director's Award. By joining as many activities as possible and becoming involved in a variety of activities, you will meet more people, improve your language skills, and eventually make friends.

RELATIONSHIPS

Another barrier to forming relationships is that the definition and expectations of "friend" are different in different cultures. Friendships in the United States tend to be shorter and shallower than those of other cultures. People have different groups of friends: "work friends," "schoo themselves, so be prepareates in general. If you complain constantly, you will not have many conversations with anyone.

Romantic relationships are difficult between members of the same cultures; men and women often view romance quite differently. These problems increase in cross-cultural romance, and the source, again, is stereotypes. Men may perceive international women as "prudish", not interested in the opposite sex, nor in having fun. Women may perceive international men as being "wolves", interested only in the physical rewards of a relationship. International women often view men in the US in a similar way: they are interested only in sex. Foreign males may think all women in the US are willing sex partners. Again, it is important to be aware of these stereotypes, and that they are usually wrong.

In the United States, relationships between members of the opposite sex are generally less structured than in other countries. "Platonic" relationships (non- romantic friendships between members of the opposite sex) are very common and virtually everyone has platonic friends of the opposite sex.

Like most rules governing relationships in the United States, those which govern romance are informal and vague. Generally, however, when a couple makes a "date" they will do something: go to a movie, have dinner, go dancing, etc. They will not simply sit and talk. A man or a woman can ask for a date. The person who asks will probably pay for the date.

Asking someone on a date, or accepting a date, does not obligate you to become romantically involved. If, for some reason, you do not wish to date the person a second time, simply do not ask them out again, or if they ask you out a second time, you may refuse politely. Many first dates turn out to be last dates, which is perfectly acceptable in the United States.

When you meet someone who interests you, it is wise to get to know the person before pursuing a romantic relationship. You need to let the person know that you are interested in them, but you should not just blurt out, "Wow, I am interested in you. Would you like to go out with me?" The process of communicating interest without being blunt is called "flirting."

Keep in mind that flirting is a two-way street. The person with whom you are flirting is also getting to know you, figuring out if he/she would like to see you again. If the person becomes inattentive or seems to be avoiding you, generally that means he/she is not interested. Do not pursue the relationship. If, however, the person is attentive and seems in no hurry to end conversations with you, that usually means he/she is interested in you as well. When this happens, ask this person if he/she would like to have dinner, or go to a movie or a play or theater, and set a specific time and place to meet. Traditionally, the male paid for everything on a date. Nowadays, people on dates often pay their own way. If your partner pays for everything, offer to return the favor on a later date.

The most awkward part of dating in the United States, as in many societies, revolves around sexual involvement. Like everything else in the United States, there are very few guidelines; attitudes vary tremendously from person to person and from relationship to relationship. There are, however, two rules which most people accept:

1. Sex is not expected during the early stages of a romantic relationship, and agreeing to a date or going to the home of your partner does not obligate you to have sex. Regardless of what you have seen in US movies or on television, that is not how dating works in the US.

2. Sex is usually the result of a strong emotional attachment. Those involved in the relationship feel love toward one another, and "making love" is a logical part of their relationship. This does not mean, however, that sex guarantees emotional commitment. There are people in the United States and internationals who view sex as a goal in itself and who attach no emotional significance to it.

Date rape and sexual harassment are growing concerns in the United States especially on college campuses. It is sometimes very difficult to know what to do. On a date, sex should only happen by mutual consent. If either partner says "no" or is not willing, do not force it. That is rape. Sexual harassment is difficult to define, but it means that no one in a position of power or authority can take advantage of that position for sexual favors. If you feel sexually uncomfortable with an employer or professor who has authority over you, talk to someone and get advice. You can always talk confidentially to someone at the Student Health Center.

You have heard of Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS). Though the odds seem slim that you will come into contact with an infected person, this is not something you leave to chance. If you are sexually active, practice "safe sex." "Safe sex" means you and your partner do not exchange bodily fluids. Condoms are available at the Student Health Center and at any drug or convenience store. Use them.

Social gatherings are quite informal in the US. Most people do not use parties to show wealth or taste. Parties are opportunities for people to gather, converse, and relax. As a result, the host-guest relationship, which is quite formal in many cultures, is very informal. Your host wants you to "feel at home." You may be greeted at the door with "Make yourself at home." This means you may have to serve yourself.

A formal, written invitation, requires a response and often a written response.

• If the invitation says "RSVP," you must call the host and tell him whether or not you will be there. If you cannot attend or do not plan to attend, say so. Do not say "yes" just to be polite. The "RSVP" is to help the host plan how much food and drink to prepare; an accurate count is necessary.
• If your invitation says, "Regrets only," you only need to tell your host if you do not plan to attend. If you are unsure how to dress, call the host and ask, "What should I wear?".
• Student gatherings are much less formal. What time you arrive makes little difference, because people are coming and going all the time. Many student parties are "BYOB" (bring you own beverage). You will make enemies rapidly if you go to parties and drink other people's beverages. If a party is BYOB , then you should BYOB!

GIFTS FOR HOSTS

It is not necessary to bring flowers, candy or a gift to a dinner host. However, it is a nice thing to do. You should always say "thank you" when you leave. It is also polite to write a note or telephone the next day and repeat your thank you. Overnight house guests usually bring a small, inexpensive gift to the host, such as a souvenir from your home country or other small remembrance.

TABLE ETIQUETTE

If you have dietary restrictions, it is a good idea to tell your host when you are invited. When you are at the dinner table and are asked if you would like something, do not refuse out of politeness. The host or hostess probably won't ask you a second time. After you have had enough, it is all right to politely decline additional servings.

US individualism shows in attitudes toward children. In many societies, it is important to have many children. In the US, a few religious groups emphasize the importance of large families, but most people think one or two children are enough, and many couples have no children. Because taking care of a child is very costly financially, emotionally, and socially, many couples view large families as a disadvantage. Having many children would restrict the freedom and individualism of the parents as well as the other children in the family.

Parents teach individualism by the way they raise their children. They want to create a self-reliant, independent child, who can make it on her own by age eighteen. Parents begin teaching this self-reliance early, asking the child to do things on her own and praising her when she does. As a result, children are more talkative and assertive than children of other cultures. If they seem rude, it is because they have been taught to be assertive.

Parents want their children to be healthy and happy, and to have a better life than the parents. Families spend a lot of money to give their children what they want: nice clothes, many toys, adequate health and dental care, and a good education. Strangely enough, many parents give up time with their children to pay for these things. In most two-parent households, both parents work to support this life-style, leaving their children with babysitters and child care programs for eight, nine or ten hours a day.

Many parents want to expose their children to a variety of situations. They bring their children with them to church, to sporting events, to stores, and to social events. However, many places, such as expensive restaurants and live theater productions, do not welcome children. Most formal social gatherings, those with written invitations do not welcome children either. If you are going to such a place, you should leave your children at home with a friend or babysitter.

Children, especially boys are expected to be energetic and assertive. That does not mean, though, that they are allowed to "run wild" in public. Parents are expected to keep their children under control at all times, particularly in public places and in the homes of others. When a child misbehaves, only the child's parents may discipline him. Other adults should not interfere unless the child is doing something which may be harmful to himself. Most parents discipline their children by rewarding good behaviors, not by punishing bad behaviors. While a spanking, a slap to the child's buttocks, is acceptable to some people, any punishment that wounds the child or leaves a mark is considered child abuse and is against the law.

Perhaps the most difficult situation facing international families is how much US culture they want their children to learn. Many of the attributes which are valued in the US, and which your child will unconsciously learn, will not be valued when the child returns home. You will need to give this issue serious thought and discuss it with your spouse.

The Center for English as a Second Language
at The University of Arizona
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cesl@email.arizona.edu
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