Vivian
There is nothing more painful than the betrayal of the one you love and the uncertainty as to whether or not they are being honest. There is definitely something going on between your husband and this young woman. The fact that he sent these photos from his cell phone to his e-mail lets you know that he wanted to get a better look at them. The two of them hugged up in a motel tells you everything you need to know. When men are put in a position of confrontation they will lie to get out of trouble. Your husband is doing just that. Your first instinct, to tell her father, was the right one. If your husband was behaving as a responsible, mature adult he would have brought these photos to you the first time she sent them and asked your advice as to how to deal with it. Since he kept it a secret, he knows that he is doing something wrong. If your husband was being a mature adult who cared for this young woman's well being he would have addressed this issue with her father and let her father talk to her about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. I would recommend that you both go, as a couple, to see her father and let him know what is going on. It is the responsibility of adults to help children when they go astray. She is 20 and human beings do not fully mature mentally until the age of 24. It is your husband's place and your place to bring it to the attention of her parents, so that she learns that this is not acceptable behavior. Your husband will try to talk you out of doing the right thing, because he is approaching this with his "child's mind." He knows he has done something wrong and is now trying to hide his wrongdoing from the world. He feels embarrassed that his secret is out, and he does not want anyone else to be witness to his inappropriate behavior. You now have to be the adult and make the difficult choice to address it as the mature woman you are, even though your husband will fight you on it. This choice is for the good of your marriage and the mental health of this young woman.
I met a wonderful man, who has treated me, in the last few weeks of dating him, better than any other I've known. I have lived with and had long term relationships with other men, but no one as endearing as this one. He is willing to do almost anything to make me happy, but he has a past, one where he abused his privileges and took advantage of resources for his own personal use. I am falling very quickly and hard for him but there is some degree of mistrust. We met over the internet, and I find myself looking for ads online, only to discover he's not used them for months. The great news is he's paid for his mistakes and rejuvenated himself. I want to get over his past and my previous relationship issues and give him the trust he deserves. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to get hurt either.
Anonymous
Part of learning to love fully means taking the risk to trust someone else with your heart. The key to doing it safely is to take it slow and give yourself enough time to observe him as he interacts with you and with others in his life. This is the testing phase of dating when you want to watch and see if he walks the talk. He claims he has rejuvenated himself, so now you have to pay attention and see if what he says is translating to how he behaves. Are his actions those of a man who is honest and open about his choices? In the process of getting to know him, you should find out what led him to make the choices that landed him in hot water. You want to be aware of any signs that tell you something is different so you can recognize when he begins to go astray. This is the time to be very thorough about finding out who this man is, and if he is truly deserving of your heart.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (208)
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By: jo on 3/05/2010 8:41PM
How can further exposing her husband help her marriage. Love the first part of your advice but come on. She would not be able to cope being with him once she puts him out there.
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By: babydoll on 3/08/2010 10:54PM
lol pardon my laughter but did the wife say she thought of going to tell her father ! um excuse me so what because she lives at home with her dad she is 20 years old yes 51 is her dads age but she is past legal telling her dad is gonna do what make her dad put her out for sending naked pics or sleeping with a married man yes it's wrong her father might say but really? what is he gonna do my advice honey@ the wife figure out if u want to look at your husbands face another week day or year and if u do then workout if not tell him and her poof be gone !
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By: kingkyd on 3/05/2010 8:57AM
Have to disagree with going to the 20 year old's parent's who live down the street. At 20 the woman's parents have no legal influence over their child and even if they wanted to know, which I doubt, they still couldn't do anything about the situation that would help. Wife and husband need counseling to see if they want to improve their 15 year marriage.
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By: Elizabeth on 3/05/2010 1:39PM
I absolutely agree. This girl is was just an instrument. He could have cheated with anyone. At this point the problem is in their marriage and no longer the younger woman.
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By: cher on 3/05/2010 12:24PM
I disagree. This 20 yr old may be messing with a married man. He had naked pics on his phone to down load them to his computer for a better look of that girl found her husbands e-mail pictures of her naked, and a picture of them hugged up which appears to be in a motel roomtells me everything. I would tell the parents so they know what kinda of man would have that moment with his daughter. I say he is afraid the father will take action aon his ass I feel for the women that was a trusting women. The 20 yr old should be told you DONT mess with MARRIED MEN
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By: Kimberly on 3/05/2010 2:43PM
I agree with Kingkyd that going to the girl's parents is pointless, she is an adult and has children of her own. If they should come to you asking questions then I would be honest and tell them the truth but there is no reason for you to go to them. It is obvious that your husband is lying about the pictures and the reason is just as obvious, he is cheating on you and he is doing it with a 20 yr. old. Whether or not you stay married to him is up to you, but I find it doubtful that he could ever be trusted again and I personally would not care to spend my life with someone that I can't trust. He has proven that not only will lie to you and cheat on your marriage, he will do so with a girl who is little more than a child herself and there is something horrible wrong with that and clearly something horrible wrong with him.
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By: Cherie on 3/05/2010 12:58PM
What kind of scumbag fools around with a 20 year old woman who already has three kids? Three kids before 20? Really? And she is 31 years his junior? This "girl" has problems and this letch is taking advantage of it. I would dump them both and move on. There is no way back from that.
Oh, and if her "father" couldn't stop her from having 3 kids, unmarried, before age 20, he isn't going to stop her from "hugging up" on a married man.
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By: Goddess Mother on 3/05/2010 2:54PM
I would first like to comment on the womans asserion that she has been like a mother to her since she was twelve. What monther figure influence are we talking about here, the girl has three children and is only twenty! She obviously does not have a husband,(according to the letter) and I am not judging BUT.. that should say something in itself.
I hate it when people say they were like a mother, she should have stepped in the first time.
The girl is twenty, her hysband is going through "his phase", she needs to confront the woman and say stay away from my husband!
THe woman needs to determine if her relationship is worth keeping and set boundries on all his female relationships or start on finding a new one built on mutual trust and love.
"If it smells like a fish, looks like a fish, it is a fish.."
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By: michele on 3/05/2010 3:41PM
She lives with her father down the street, there is no legal problem here so age has nothing to do with it.
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By: noway on 3/05/2010 4:07PM
I agree that they should go to the young woman's parents. So what if the parents have no "legal right" to do anything? Her parents will -- hopefully -- have the commmon sense to pressure her out of being this stupid with the man. And since she's living with her parents, that's one more point of leverage. This is a sad situation.
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