Tom Jicha’s TV Plus

“American Idol” should borrow the mantra from the old summer movie “Meatballs”: “It just doesn’t matter.”

On “Idol,” it’s the singing that just doesn’t matter even though it is supposed to be a singing competition.

Scotty McCreery was crowned the new American Idol Wednesday. No surprise there. The country cutie from North Carolina has been the favorite for weeks.

It just didn’t matter that Lauren Alaina, despite a strained vocal cord, outsang him in Tuesday’s final competition show, the one that’s supposed to be decisive.

Last year, it just didn’t matter that Crystal Bowersox outsang Lee DeWyze. Two years ago it just didn’t matter that Adam Lambert outsang Kris Allen.

This is to take nothing away from Scotty. There wasn’t enough difference between him and Lauren to mount a strenuous protest at the result.

As “Idol” finales go, Wednesday’s couldn’t go fast enough. There were some shining moments: Scotty getting to sing with one of his heroes, Tim McGraw; Carrie Underwood joining Lauren for a duet; James Durbin, who should have been in the final, giving metal another chance with Judas Priest; Tony Bennett, still vibrant at 85, doing a duet with Haley Reinhart, the third-place finisher many thought also should have been in the final.

Beyonce, Lady Gaga and J-Lo’s spouse Marc Anthony also performed. Finally, Steven Tyler left the desk to perform his classic “Dream On.”

Still the show plodded along and produced no really memorable moments.

Other than Carrie, not a single former Idol was invited back to perform. What a strange decision for a 10th annivesary show. The only thing I can guess is executive producer Nigel Lythgoe, who is famously jealous of Simon Cowell, wanted as few as possible reminders of the Simon years.

Millions undoubtedly recorded the show. You have to wonder how many erased it as soon as it was over. I did.

What did you think of the result and the show?

If you have DirecTV, mark down July 13 as a date to remember.

That’s when the fourth season of “Damages” will appear exclusively on the satellite TV service. Unlike “Friday Night Lights,” there are no plans for a post-DirecTV encore on a broadcast network.

FX decided at the end of last season that the acclaimed legal drama starring Glenn Close was too rich for the ratings it generated.

Fans without DirecTV probably will have to wait until the new season is eventually released in a boxed-set DVD.

Anna Kournikova, who became an international tennis sensation without winning a major title because of her stunning looks and physique, has landed a new gig.

She’s going to be one of the trainers on “The Biggest Loser.”

Kournikova is said to be a certified trainer but rest assured this isn’t why she got the job. She’s the eye candy on a show populated by jelly bellies.

Does she make you more or less likely to watch?

Q. I assume you plan to remind “American Idol” viewers, who plan to tape Wednesday’s finale, that it’s scheduled to run at least two hours and seven minutes. Unbelievably, there are poor souls like me, who don’t have a DVR and actually have to tell my recorder how much time to record. B.B., Margate

A. You just did it for me. I would plan on at least two hours, 15 minutes. To be safe, I’d set it for two and a half hours. What do you have to lose? You can tape over the parts that turn out to be extraneous. It isn’t only the old VCR’s that need to be set. DVR’s also have to be programmed for extra time or you are liable to watch later and just as Ryan Seacrest says, “The winner of American Idol 2011 is…” your recording will end.

The drama of Lauren Alaina’s blown vocal cord during “American idol’s” rehearsal Tuesday was the only thing memorable about the season 10 competition finale.

I’ve seen the final night of competition of all 10 “American Idols.” I’d rank Tuesday’s as No. 9. Only the season six showdown between Jordin Sparks and beat-boxer Blake Lewis rates lower on my scale.

Plaudits to Lauren for adhering to the grand show business tradition that the show must go on. After having the troubled cord frozen and sitting silently until show time, she went on as if nothing had happened. If anything, she out sang Scotty by a clear margin.

Not that this necessarily means anything. Crystal Bowersox and Adam Lambert had bigger closing nights than Lee DeWyze and Kris Allen the past couple of seasons but the latter two went home with the title.

Then again, neither runnerup had a sympathy vote going for them like Lauren figures to have.

The three performances apiece by Lauren and Scotty McCreery were solid but unexceptional. I’d bet there will be fewer downloads than any night this season.

Scotty opened with “Gone” and it was like every Scotty performance of the season. Good, not great.

Lauren was slightly better doing “Flat on the Floor.”

This would have been a night where Simon Cowell would have told both we expect more from you at this stage of the competition.

The new Gang of Three didn’t even weigh in until after the second round. No loss. When they finally did offer their opinions, they said nothing beyond what has become the typical, “You’re really great” and, of course, Randy Jackson’s “You’re in it to win it.”

Celebrity choices made up round two. George Strait did well for Scotty picking “Check Yes or No.” The greatest Idol of all, Carrie Underwood, also served Lauren well, opting for “Maybe It Was Memphis.”

The third round, the single each will release if they win, really separated the two. Scotty’s “I Love You This Big” was instantly forgettable.

Lauren’s “Like My Mother Does” was the highlight of the night. She scored bonus points by tip-toeing, with Ryan Seacrest’s assistance, down into the audience to hug her sobbing mom.

Jennifer Lopez declared, “You may have just won.”

If Tuesday’s performances are the decisive factor, J-Lo could be right. But this is “American Idol” where how well you sing is often a minor consideration.

I still expect Scotty to carry the electorate but you won’t hear me protest if Lauren gets it.

That’s not a hedge. I’m picking Scotty, but without enthusiasm.

What do you think?

History is going all the way back for its next series: “The Bible.”

Mark Burnett, the creator of “Survivor” is producing the five-part, 10-hour series. “Adam, you have been voted out of the Garden of Eden.”

I’ve always thought this was a great idea because of the mischievous possibilities. Imagine what you could do with the episode on Sodom & Gomorrah–especially on cable.

Maybe Lindsay Lohan would be interested in playing Mary Magdalene. She wouldn’t have to stretch much.

If the moral mafia complained, there’s a perfect comeback: “But it’s in the Bible.”

This might be like teaching a dog to bark or a lion to eat meat but the Oprah Winfrey Network is going to suspend its activities from 4-5 p.m. Wednesday and instruct its audience (both of them) to watch Oprah’s syndicated finale.

Wouldn’t you think that anyone who has gone to the trouble of finding the Oprah Winfrey Network wouldn’t miss her final show on broadcast TV even if it meant losing out on the final elevator to the Rapture?

The show was taped Tuesday. Reports are circulating from those in the audience that it is essentially a solo for Oprah, reminiscences of a quarter-century on the air.

Stars were present but in the audience. Gayle King and Stedman Graham were there.

By Wednesday, if not sooner, there will probably be blow-by-blow accounts of the show all over the web.

If you’re not an “Oprah” regular, do you plan to make an exception for what is being treated as an historic TV event?

“Good Morning America” has released its roster of summer concerts, which are staged in New York’s Central Park, just a couple of miles from “Today’s” musical events in Rockefeller Plaza.

Lady Gaga kicks it off on May 27.

The Go-Go’s are up June 3, followed by Jennifer Hudson on June 10. Selena Gomez is the featured act on June 17. The month closes out with Florence & the Machine on June 24.

Beyonce leads off July on the 1st. Miranda Lambert is next on July 8. Brad Paisley is schedueled for July 15. Goo Goo Dolls are pencilled in for July 22 and Debbie Gibson and Tiffany go on July 29.

Nicki Minaj launches the August lineup on the 5th. “American Idol’s Top 11″ performs for a rival network on Aug. 12. Taio Cruz is set for Aug. 19. Aug. 26 is still open.

The series ends on Sept. 2 with Mary J. Blige.

A good dose of Sue Sylvester’s sarcasm is just what the TV Academy needs

It might get it. Jane Lynch, who plays the caustic teacher on “Glee,” is Fox’s choice to host this year’s awards ceremony in September. Not all the i’s are dotted or t’s crossed but there doesn’t appear to be any reason why Lynch won’t get the gig.

A perk of being the network that televises the Emmys is the right to select the host. The last time Fox had the show, Ryan Seacrest did the honors.

Lynch is a much nicer person than the character she plays–how could she not be?–but she does have a sharp sense of humor and comic timing.

What do you think of this choice?