My fellow citizens, I come before you today with, what for me, is an unusual feeling. A feeling I suppose you would label as humility.

Yes, believe it or not, I am humbled by the honour bestowed upon me as the 45th president of these 49 United States. At the same time, I feel it only right and proper to say: "I told you so." America needed me and I, The Donald, proudly answered the call.

There are some who would diminish my accomplishment, who would say that I am standing here today only because of a fluke, a technicality. To them, I would say: "Who cares? I'm president. Get used to it."

To my opponent Barack Obama, I wish to apologize for questioning his birth in Hawaii. I now know that Mr. Obama was, in fact, born in Honolulu on Aug. 4, 1961.

But, thanks to my tireless efforts, we now also know that Hawaii's ascension to statehood on August 21, 1959 was fatally flawed. I know it may seem trivial to some that not all the i's were dotted and all the t's were crossed but, as they say at the Securities and Exchange Commission, rules are rules.

I'm sure it won't take too long to get Hawaii back into the fold. But in the meantime, Barack Obama's 112 million votes in last November's election are void and my 26 million votes were sufficient to give me a 534 to zero slam dunk Electoral College win, not counting Hawaii's four electoral votes, of course.

Thanks to the support of almost 10 per cent of the American people, I am now in a position to save this great country from the path of defeat it was on. My companies having filed for bankruptcy on several occasions and having personally been on the brink of bankruptcy, I know what defeat looks like. But I also know what success looks like and that's why I am proposing nothing short of a Re-branding of America. Even a modest licensing program for our world-recognized brand will yield billions of dollars that can be used to build hotels, casinos and, if necessary, roads and bridges.

I think it also goes without saying that I know real estate. So as part of my Re-branding of America, I intend to sell off the White House. We already have some tentative ninefigure offers from overseas buyers including the Chinese. Since they've been screwing us for so long, it's only fair that we stick them with this two-storey, 200-year-old money pit which, quite frankly, is not in the most desirable real estate location.

You may be wondering where the president will be staying once the White House is put on the market. Not a problem. As the nation's premier realtor, I am prepared to take a bit of a loss and lease three vacant floors in what is unquestionably one of the poshest hotels in Atlantic City.

I think we can all agree that we are entering into a new era for our country, what I like to call the Fantastic Era. As part of the new Fantastic Era, I have entered into a programming deal with NBC to immediately start work on a new show called "Cabinet Apprentice."

I want to make government open, exciting and, most of all, entertaining. Each week for the next 15 weeks, I'll be presented with five candidates for each cabinet position. I'll ask the candidates to compete in different business tests to see who will get to sit with me around the cabinet conference table in my new White House Suite in Atlantic City.

As part of that show, I'll also be looking for a new vice president. That's right, Sarah Palin, you're fired. Let's face it, dear. We can't have two inexperienced, exceptionally groomed egomaniacs running this country.

So until next week, I want to thank you for placing your faith in me as president of these United States. With your help and continued viewership, I trust that we can make this the most successful, if not telegenic, government in our great country's history. May God save us all.

David Martin writes every other week.