Attention hockey widows (and widowers?): the NHL playoffs are nearly half over!

In celebration, we present a smattering of utterly arbitrary mid-term award candidates, some to honour inspired performances, others to highlight individuals whose play was so underwhelming they should have started golfing weeks ago.

• EARLY SMYTHE: Dwayne Roloson, Ryan Kesler, Tim Thomas

Also known as the Kiss of Death award, because as soon as these would-be playoff MVPs are celebrated prematurely, they tend to tank, or their team gets knocked out. And yet we persevere ... Roloson has been insane for Tampa Bay, a team loaded with other candidates, including the remarkable Martin St. Louis and Vinny Lecavalier. Kesler carried Vancouver past Chicago when the Sedins weren’t up to it. Thomas sure is a guesser as a goaler, but boy, has he guessed right most nights for the Bruins.

• MR. INVISIBLE: Nicklas Backstrom, Brad Boyes, Chris Drury

“It was so (expletive) frustrating,” Backstrom said, after his self described “embarrassing” one-point (an assist) effort in the Capitals’ loss by sweep to Tampa Bay. Tell us about it, Nick. We had to watch you. This is the award no player wants associated with his name, because it speaks to a quality player whose playoff turned into basic nightmare. Boyes, from St. Louis, should have been a good pickup for the plucky Sabres, but he contributed just one goal in seven games to the utter frustration of head coach Lindy Ruff. Remember when Drury was Mr. Clutch (for Ruff’s Sabres)? Years later, after a season lost to injuries, Drury was a lost soul as the Rangers bowed out to Washington.

• WHERE DID HE COME FROM?: Sean Bergenheim, Steve Downie, Teddy Purcell

Can’t apologize for the Lightning sweeping this category. Tampa Bay has turned in a stunning first two rounds, partly because players like Bergenheim, Downie, Purcell and Dominic Moore are playing out of their skins. Downie leads all players with a plus-9. Bergenheim, a 14-goal scorer during the season, has seven in 11 playoff games. Purcell, the pride of St. John’s, N.L., has a point per game.

• LOVE ME TENDER: Roloson, Thomas, Roberto Luongo

Heroes or goats. Goalies live in blue paint, not grey areas. With eight wins, a 2.01 goals-against average and .941 save percentage, the ageless Roloson has set the bar high. Not far below are Thomas and Luongo, the latter desperate to prove himself as the real deal in a run to a Stanley Cup.

• LIKE A FINE WINE: Roloson, Mark Recchi, Teemu Selanne

What a season for the old men of the NHL. Roloson will be 42 in October. Recchi is 43. Selanne turns 41 this summer. And all three have been on top of their games when the games mattered most. Recchi entered Friday night’s action with six points, Selanne scored six goals in six games in Anaheim’s first round. Well done, gents. Now, get to bed. It’s past 9 o’clock.

• BOYS OF SPRING: Brad Marchand, Claude Giroux, Logan Couture

The old men aren’t having all the fun. Marchand, 22, has been a productive pest for the Bs, Giroux, 23, a force for the Flyers and Couture, 22, doesn’t look like a rookie for San Jose. Couture is poised, are the Sharks poised for greatness?

• YOU TRADED FOR HIM? Tomas Kaberle, Dustin Penner, James Neal

So much was expected from all these players. Kaberle was supposed to boost the Bruins’ power play. He — and it — has been a disaster. At least the Bruins have been winning. Penner moved back to California, this time, L.A., with a chance to lift the young Kings but instead dragged them down. Dead weight. Neal was brought in to help the Penguins get over the loss of Sidney Crosby, with the hope he might eventually play alongside Crosby, but Neal did little down the stretch or in the playoffs.

• NOW THAT’S A TRADE: Chris Kelly, Eric Brewer, Roloson

Two of these deals were made by Lightning rookie GM Steve Yzerman. Is it any wonder he’s up for executive of the year? Brewer, picked up from St. Louis for Brock Beukeboom and third-round pick, was sensational as a shut-down defenceman against Alex Ovechkin and the Capitals and also has six points. Roloson was nabbed early in January, ahead of the deadline, and shut out Washington in his first start (Can you say, omen?). Kelly moved to Boston from Ottawa at the deadline, ostensibly to be a defensive centre/penalty killer, but got hit in the face in Round 1 and in his delirious state, woke up as Wayne Gretzky (old hockey joke). Seven points prior to Friday’s game vs. Philly, including four goals, three of them big ones in a tight opening series with Montreal.

• SNOOZER AWARD: The entire second round.

Remember the first round action that kept you up half the night, riveted to west coast overtimes and seven-game series? Yesterday’s news. In Round 2, fans could freely watch for a single period, then go to bed, rest assured they wouldn’t miss a thing. It’s been duller than a 1-3-1 system. Let’s hope for better stuff in the conference finals or there won’t be a fan left watching by the time we reach the final.

Ottawa Citizen

wscanlan@ottawacitizen.com